Elder care-Demands by elderly can be selfish and unrealistic!

Desertrose,
Wow, similar things here, except, I am a year older but still working full-time with lots of overtime hours, and my almost 93-yr old mom is living with me although "not permanently" since last July. She always has been anti-social and should not be driving because of vision and occasional positional dizziness, but still has her car and house in her hometown 3 hours away. I thought it would be a good idea for her to be here, because all she did in her house was play games on the computer all day and watch TV. So I figured she could easily do those things here. I am the only "child" left and my kids also thought it is a good idea. She has no support system in her hometown, nothing, couldn't go anywhere on her own. And I was the one who always called daily, sometimes multiple times in a day to chat/talk and check on her.

But since she has been here, I see she really should not be on her own, and she continually thinks I should live in her house with her. She won't let go of her house or her car, and I've told her that if she goes back to her house, she will have to have a caregiver. Because I no longer want to drive back and forth for her doctor's appointments, etc. But I am her "only" child and she thinks of me as her playmate and sees nothing wrong with she and I being companions/playmates all of my non-working hours. She won't even eat dinner unless I am right there with her. I have been single for 20 years now and have my own routine which is not like it was when I had a family, sitting down together for meals. I have 4 days vacation later this month when I am flying out of town to see a friend and my daughter will check on Mom and her 2 dogs while I am gone. I wish it were for 34 days!!!

I think she secretly hopes I won't be able to pay my house off and have to move in with her.... but the reality is.... I don't care if I lost my job, couldn't afford my house, I would live somewhere, BUT NOT in my mother's house with my mother.

Exactly what I'm going through at this very moment! My mom has some ridiculous demands! When we serve breakfast if she doesn't like it she sends it back and asks for another meal. She screams if we break her over easy eggs and won't eat them. I don't like eggs that much but I eat her eggs that don't make the cut most mornings so they don't go to waste. Just an example. I wonder what seniors who get meals on wheels do if they don't like what's on the menu?

My mother has treated all 3 of her kids as a financial safety net for 40 years. Whatever came up, we were supposed to fix everything and pull out our wallets. Before retiring she inherited a large amount of money that she kept and ran through at a rapid pace. She's now bankrupt and seeking more help. She thinks the 3 of us should split the cost for her to live in the lifestyle of her choosing--namely, allowing her to continue to live in her current home. She needs to downsize to an independent living apartment, but apparently, that's not suitable. None of us have children and have worked hard for everything we've gotten in life (college, careers, etc.). NOTHING was given to us. Now as we near 60, and prepare for retirement, we are expected to provide for her yet again. It never seems to end. I was happy to find this blog and see that I'm not the only one feeling taken advantage of by a selfish parent.

To Desert Rose 7
Okay. PLEASE give up!
You moved her there so she would be safe and not isolated, not to take the place of your deceased father. Excuse me, but if she can dress herself, bathe herself and drive a car, sounds like she can cook for herself and find her way around town.
You just got rid of the overburden of one elderly parent. Did you not learn anything from that a experience?
A lot of elderly people expect their older adult children to live out their fantasies of “being mother and daughter” again. You are not a teenager. She is a retiree and you are not. She is a widow and you are not. It is not “cute”. She needs to find community with others who are in the same phase of life as she is. There is the YMCA, senior center, group trips, religious worship, excercise groups, arts groups, volunteer groups, dance groups, etc. for seniors in every community. It is ridiculous for her to expect you to be her constant companion. Don’t jeopardize your marriage or your sanity trying to fulfill her every fantasy. She’ll be fine and you will sacrifice your own welfare in the process. You are not required to do that just because she gave birth to you. 
Take a big step back. You are doing plenty enough for her by seeing to it that she is not isolated 1,000 miles away. And she has her own home? I could only wish for such luxury at that point in my life. You do not have to be her constant playmate in addition to all that. Let it go. 
Let me ask you - when you re-read your own post would you advise another person to do what you are doing? I don’t think you would! And leave your husband to move in with your mother?
Take a reality check. You are a little caught up. You don’t have to do all those things. Please don’t!

The best thing to do is not get started caregiving for a parent. Once you're in even the doctors look the other way. No one wants to get involved and you're left drowning in caregiving while it robs you of all that is good in your life. My mother has always been selfish and self centered and when compounded with aging and unending needs, no one no matter how kind can continue to give care without resentment. I used to look forward to the day it would end but when it does, I will be a very broken human with no compass. I've become a total emotional mess. Thanks mom.

Yogi, I totally agree with you. Problem is, for almost everybody here, that train has already left the station. If only we knew then what we know now. If only I had known that my mother was going to outlive her normal life expectancy by so many years and in such lousy health that I would be virtually tethered to her for the whole long miserable ride. If only I had known that my plans for helping her and her plans for me helping her were so wildly incompatible as to cause unending struggle and conflict between us. If only I had known how much caregiving services cost and how little help is out there for those that can't afford it.

If only, if only. Yet I'm close to positive that I would have been roped into this one way or another, sooner or later, just because there were no other really viable options. And because I'm the sort of person who just can't leave bad enough alone.

My mother's plan for her old age was to simply end her life, if she were unable to care for herself and nobody else showed up to do it. She even has/had a stash of pills at the ready. In retrospect I think that would have been a better solution than this. But at the time, when decisions were being made, that alternative was just unthinkable. You can't just let your own mother off herself because nobody is willing to take care of her. But all these years later, I think that would have been a better solution than to have her take over another person's life for so many years, a person who had their own plans and dreams and other things to do with what remained of their life. So shoot me. I really do.

My 80 yr old elderly mother thinks me and my brother should be 100% financially responsible for her. She keeps all her old age pension, and we pay for her caregiver, PLUS give her lots of extra money. Her "income" is like a full-time health professional. She has her own mortgage-free house, a brand new Mercedes (which she saved up enough to buy, because we refused to pay for it). She likes luxury items like jewellery, and brand name handbags. Even with her "income", we are expected to purchase business class air tickets for her when she travels and pay for her hotel, which we took turn every year. My brother and me have been indulging her for the past years (including expensive cars and handbags), but find we are close to retirement now. We have our own children, and whenever she knows we are travelling, she will give us the guilt trip about not taking her along. The thing is, she can't walk far, so if we took her with us, we would be sitting around. Apart from shopping for expensive goods, she's not interested in sightseeing at all. Also, she would expect us to pay for everything, including anything that she likes during shopping (e.g. a $3K Prada handbag). We took her out for dinner every week, but do not enjoy it at all. It is more out of duty than anything. We both dread spending time with her as all she talks about is money, money and money. She always looks miserable, and nothing will make her happy. Both my brother and I have put our foot down. Except paying for her caregiver and give her all that money, we will no longer buy "gifts" for her. We are talking about things like designer handbags. We feel we have done more than enough to allow her to live an extremely comfortable live, and she should be spending her own money if she wants an expensive item! My brother and I said to each other we will never treat our children as a bankcard!

Wantsfree, your mother sounds horrible. If you pay for her caregiver now, how much caregiving is that? 24/7? A few hours a few times during the week? Somewhere in between?

Is someone her POA? Healthcare POA? Executor of her will?

Her income is like a health care professional? Does she have a sizeable estate or trust? Do you know the terms of that? Wouldn't it be awful to have been ponying up for her care for all these years, and then she turns around and shafts you in her will?

After a lot of consideration and a week's test run (didn't tell my father it was that), I learned I would never survive him living with me. He was not a good parent, but he was family. Today he died, alone living on a bare lot he purchased 2 months ago, 3000 miles from home, in a tent with no water, electricity or toilet.

.I tried everything to get him into alternative housing and support near me, but he 'bolted', essentially went off to die, like an Eskimo on an ice floe because he couldn't live with me or my brother.

He died today and I'm so sad, mostly for the loss of potential; for what could have been had he been willing to work with me.

My mother, on the other hand has made lots of friends in her senior's apt bldg, takes advantage of volunteer drivers, etc and so has created a safety network for herself.

I too now am working hard to make sure 20 yrs down the line I have a good safety network for myself.

I don't regret not taking my father in- I would not have survived it, but am sad the only 2 choices in his mind were to live with us or go off to die alone.

After four years of abusive behavior from my 98 year old mother, I know I should have sent her to a nursing home and never taken her in. She expects a servant around the clock. I am +70 years old and have poor health.
She abandoned us as children and has only thought of herself her entire life. Don't make the mistake of trying to mend a lifetime relationship flaw. Send them to a nursing home and don't guilt yourself.

Abbie, can you have her go to a NH now? You have to take care of yourself and have some happiness!

Grateful to have found this thread. My mother lives with me, she just turned 79. My dad was always the one who did everything for my mother, she couldn't do even the simplest things. She never even learnt how to drive. My dad passed away 18 years ago and ever since then she has clung on to me. I am single because I can't go out on dates because she wouldn't let me leave the house. I have to prepare her breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack and dinner everyday. If I am even a few mins late, she will throw a tantrum. I can't go overseas even though I have received project opportunities. There is no such thing as a holiday because she doesn't believe in them. She is not mobile so I have to help her get around if she wants to go out - she refuses (to the point of scream-crying) to use a wheelchair or walker or a similar aide. She disallows anybody from coming to our home but she makes me tell them and when they ask her why they can't come over she puts the blame on me. Putting her in assisted living is impossible because she threatens to either kill herself or she calls all the relatives and tells them how I abuse her (I barely speak with her! I only speak with her when necessary). And the relatives all think she's a sweet old lady because that's how she treats them. So they give me a hard time. They have no idea what's going on at home. She uses the bathroom to urinate and doesn't clean very well. So every day I need to clean her bathroom because it stinks or urine causing the whole house to stink too. I have employed live-in professionals to care for her but she has chased three away after just one week by yelling and screaming at them. After the third one, she threatened to chase the next one away in a day if I dare to get someone. She insists that I need to care for her 100% of the time. Even if I have work to do, she sulks and criticises me sarcastically so it creates this toxic environment. All she does everyday is eat, sleep and watch tv all day. She refuses to make an attempt to even help herself out. I have given up and have limited talking to her. I barely say a few words everyday. But the fact remains that I am tired and I am stuck in the house with her forever. There's no escape. And yes, I do feel sorry for myself because I don't know what I can do to make my situation better.

kcred78, I'm just guessing from your name here that you were born in 1978? So you are around 40? And you've been living in this abusive situation since you were 22?

Please give us some background. How did you get saddled with her 18 years ago? Do you have siblings? Who is in the family that she calls to tell them you are abusive?

Please start your own thread. The wonderful, caring people on here can help you formulate a plan to take back your life. We will provide support for you every step of the way.

This miserable life you have does NOT have to continue. There is a way out.

How about it?

Things are not getting better. Even when I am not talking much to her she manages to find fault and yell at me about the few words that I do say - the tone is not right, I am being rude, I am ungrateful, etc. I have come to a point where I feel like death is better than this.

Kcred, I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your mom needs more help than one person alone can provide, and perhaps medication to treat her mental health symptoms.

It sounds like she is not cooperative, but you do have options. One would be to call 911 the next time your mom threatens to kill herself. The police can do a Baker Act and have her taken to a mental health facility to be evaluated.

You can also contact APS and let them know that your mom is unable to live alone and that you are no longer able to care for her. They will potentially look for any other relatives who might be willing to oversee her care or the state might assume the responsibility. Either way, you would not be liable.

Another alternative would be to seek guardianship if your mom is determined to be mentally incompetent, which would allow you to find facility placement. However, this would also mean the responsibility of overseeing her health care decisions and finances, as well as providing regular reporting to the guardianship court. If your mom is toxic and abusive though, consider carefully whether you would want that responsibility. I am my mom's guardian but often wish I hadn't taken it on because she has not been easy to deal with either, nor has the drama from other family members.

Definitely not an easy decision, but it sounds like your mom is a danger to herself and that living with her is taking a toll on you as well.

Would she be willing to talk to a geriatric specialist? It really does sound like she should be evaluated for both neurological and mental health issues.

kcred78, understanding how you got into this situation can help you figure out how to get out of it.

I asked you some questions several weeks ago, but you never replied. Can you answer some of the questions?

Some elderly parents expect their adult children to become caregivers, servants, banks, entertainment systems and emotional trash cans. To name
a few of the roles I've both seen and played myself.

It's grotesquely unfair. Many have subjected their children to abuse or abandonment in childhood and then wish to plunder the rest of their chidren's productive adult lives. I wonder how many of the "spending my children's
inheritance" crowd will demand free housing and care when they've blown
through their savings and need help down the road.

All I can say is that aging is verrrrrrry expensive. Taking care of oneself financially, emotionally and health wise becomes an obligation if we do
not wish to be a burden on our adult children in our later years. So many
seniors enjoy expensive travel, lavishly maintain their home(s), spend a
small fortune on restaurants and expensive clothing and cars, and then
essentially rob their adult children and grandchildren from even a weekend
getaway or small experiences of respite, let alone life changing adventure.

I've heard so many stories of elder abuse, that I never dreamed there was
even such a thing as caregiver abuse. My own experiences and reading
some of the stories on here has definitely changed that view.