Elder care-Demands by elderly can be selfish and unrealistic!

My father is in a rehabilitation hospital due to a devastating illness causing him to be very well. Hardly can walk. He is 93 and therapist say there is not much else they can due for Dad. Dad has dementia which very much worsened while he was hospitalized and its àffecting any chance at rehab. My sister's relationship is abnormal with my dad & dotes on his every need. She now expects my brother and me along with her to take shifts being with Dad 24 hrs a day while he's in rehab. Is there something wrong with her? If we don't help as she planned,
she gets resentful and miserable.

Do it with joy, or don't do it. Never heard such drivel in my life. You want selfish look in the mirror.

Thanks for your advice

I just want to add that it is a form of domestic violence - elderly parents forcing their adult children to give up their jobs and lives to be their sole carer. And when doctors and aged care services allow this to happen, they are guilty of assisting with the domestic violence.

Adult children are not selfish for not wanting to give up their lives. The elderly parents are the selfish ones - they had their lives, did everything they wanted to do, but they don't want their children to enjoy the same privileges. And then the selfish elderly parents wonder why you see so many stories on TV and in the paper about adult children killing their parents. Sorry, one can only put up with so much before they snap. And have you stopped to think - these selfish elderly parents are guilty of murder forcing their kids to be their sole carer - in most cases, it is the adult child with a disability or medical condition who is forced to be their parents sole carer.

I was watchin a video on caring for the caregivers that was recommended here on the group. It is pretty good, but one thing made me wonder if I was on the right planet. The speaker talked about how people do not want to be a burden to their family. What??? From personal experience I can say that my mother never had any qualms about asking me to come home. She said they needed me and were going to die soon. The first time she said it was 15-20 years ago. I can honestly say that my mother has always been more concerned with her comfort and care than for her daughter's life. She even wanted me to leave my job and husband so I could come take care of them. She was in her early 70s then.

I don't know if it is selfish as much as it is thoughtless. It is like personal concerns are so big that other people's lives become small when compared to the concerns. I think it is caused by a narrowing view of life, so that only their own concerns are seen anymore. It is easy to use other people if we get too big and they get too small. (Hope that made sense.)

ToKevinKevin
I do not know what your economic circumstance is or your proximity to your father's health care facility is. If he is on death's doorstep it would seem natural to spend as much time with him as possible so he will not die alone. However if he may linger for some time and he is receiving good treatment, there is no reason for you to drop everything all the the time to be there. Do you live nearby? Are you retired? These are all important questions. If you are not retired and/or live far away, it is not good to stress yourself out keeping a vigil. If you are inclined to spend time with the man because you have deep affection for him and you are retired and alone, that is one thing. Realize that he will not live forever (and neither will you) and let your own conscience be your guide. A frank discussion with the attending physician and the social worker at the healthcare facility might also be helpful.

Good luck Kevin!!

Unfortunately, kathyt1, many of us don't have the luxury of either doing it with joy or not doing it. Lots of us are helping parents because they need help and nobody else is willing to deal with them. Many elderly parents are selfish and demanding (as this whole thread attests) to the point where it's just not possible to find any joy in helping them. As for the snarky comment about looking in the mirror, there's a quote from Oscar Wilde that I like to bear in mind: "Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live." That well describes the elderly parents we're talking about here.

One thing we all need to remember is that not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver. I know I am not and I had related that fact to my parents some years ago that if they find they need a level of care higher than they can manage for themselves, in their best interest is to hire from a professional agency. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm

I know my limitations, I am a senior myself, and I have my own age decline. Sorry, I cannot maintain two large households. Yet my Mom is of that generation where she won't let anyone in the house to help, because it is her job to be the homemaker even at 97 years old [clear mind]. How I would love to get a cleaning service into my parents house.... but it's not happening. Mom is just so unrealistic.

I agree entirely with CarlaCB - well said. Could not have put it any better ! Thanks.

I would tend to agree with the thoughtless idea. My other sibling tried to get a cleaning service into the house on a regular basis, but my father resented it. The only people he'll allow to do any kind of "house" stuff are family members.
I seem to be the designated caregiver who is expected to juggle my schedule to meet their demands.
I wonder have there been any studies which would prove the elderly become more selfish with age?

My mother had the absurd notion that she would just "get somebody" to "stay" at her house for her and basically she believed she would just continue to live how she wanted.So that turned into she lives with me, I do the best I can,try not to blame myself because she has osteoarthritis(severe),meet all her needs, try to meet all her "needs"(wants).

Jazzyfox - I don't know about scientific studies, but my therapist tells me it's very much the norm for people to become more self-focused as they age, and for other people's needs and wants to become much smaller (as JessieBelle said) in their minds. It certainly cuts against the idea that elderly people should be honored and respected for their "wisdom."

It is very frustrating. My parents act like I have no life, no job, no responsibilities and should be there for them 24/7. Even when I'm not well or just dog tired, I get oh you're young you'll be fine. I also find they have developed more of an entitlement mindset. They expect me to routinely pay for groceries, meds, bills and other things without a quibble. It infuriates me to no end. I told them the bank of treasury is not in my back yard and you have the means to do this yourself, so no don't expect me to pick it up every time because you won't get it. I feel bad sometimes and hate to sound mean, but I resent it deeply and angers me. Just the other day after the caregiver left, not even five minutes, they call and say can you bring some food. I lost it and asked why didn't you have her get it for you. No, I'm not driving 30 minutes over there when she was there and offered to take you or get it for you. They had food and were fine.

It's so true, age is not always an indication of maturity or wisdom. I just pray if I get to that age or even as I get older that I'm mindful of this. It is a mental battle like no other to contend with daily.

My mother still looks at me as if I were a teenager when it come to "doing" things for her. I constantly remind her that these "projects" she wants done,when she says "we" she really means ME and I am worn out, 2 back surgeries(neck and lower back,I have a metal plate and 2 screws in my neck) gained 50lb.after I started the antidepressants and antianxiety meds after she moved in with me.She actually dared to comment(mom does not have dementia,just mobility issues from osteoarthritis) that she thought I was lying in bed to much.Really,how did all that laundry get done and put up,floors vacuumed,garbage gathered up and put out,her meds put out, her fed, her bedsidecommode cleaned,cleaning up after her 2 little dogs ,etc so on and so forth.I am doing better about stating " I can't possibly do that" and not having to justify it as she attempts to interrogate me as to why I am " defying" her. I am a senior (56 and closer to 57) taking care of a senior(79).I refuse to allow her to "guilt" me into anything that would be harmful to me or to her.

Timbuktu, if you've had neck and back surgery - and have metal plates and screws there - and you are a senior yourself - why in God's name are you doing all that stuff for your mother. You are making exactly the same mistakes i made for nine years - submitting to and serving my extremely selfish mother to the extent i was doing stuff my neurosurgeon forbad me to do. And if you keep this up, you will end up like me - permanently on a walking frame - or worse still paralyzed from the neck down like one of my friends girlfriends - she was forced to be her mother's slave in spite of her history of neck laminectomy. She ended up fracturing her neck which rendered her paralyzed. And she died. Please do not make the same mistakes.

Do whatever it takes to force your family doctor to have your mother hospitalized and placed into permanent care - even if it means committing a crime so you can go to jail. Do anything rather than damage your own back and neck and life. I would rather see you in jail than paralyzed or dead.

Believe me, I am very careful. I know if I get hurt that isn't going to help my mother. I have a lot of chores but so far mom is able to maneuver safely in the bathroom with assistance from me but NO LIFTING just balance assistance. I even discussed with her what she and I should do if she did start to fall. How to make a "soft" landing with no one getting hurt.I really do assess everyday the physical toll on me because I don't want to be in denial about my abilities because denial will get me hurt.

I thought about this thread last night when I was talking to my mother about how we never know what life is going to bring. We were talking about her estate and leaving it to the children. I told her that she could end up having to spend it on her own care, that we couldn't predict things that lay ahead. She was horrified at the thought that she may become incapacitated and said that she planned to stay just like she was until she died. I pointed out to her that if something happened to me, like being hurt or killed in a wreck, then her life would change in an instant. She pondered that and found it acceptable to go into a facility if that happened.

What really stuck out to me in this conversation was that it was more agreeable with her that I become incapacitated than for her to become that way. Motherly love, what can you say? I guess I know how to handle things better if she ever does need to go to a facility. I'll say I've become incapacitated.

JessieBelle - what I find interesting in your mother's statements is her failure to acknowledge that for her to stay the way she is until she dies totally depends on you being willing to stay where you are as long as she lives. There seems to be no sense that this may get to be too much for you or that you may need to take your life in another direction at some point. I find it amazing that seniors can simply disregard the fact that another person's willing involvement is necessary to allow things to continue just the way they are. I can't imagine just assuming that anyone would be willing to help me day after day indefinitely with no respite despite the sacrifices required for their own lives.

My mother is a piece of work. To tell the truth, if I were in my mother's position, I would be a lot nicer to me. I don't really think she recognizes her position. In her mind, she is the generous person, helping her needy daughter. It is a story that she confabulated after I came here. She denies she ever asked me to come, even though she started asking me almost 20 years ago. This was hard to come to grips with, since I am an independent person who has always worked and am not poor. She had a need to raise herself over me, so that she is helping me and not vise versa. I don't know how much of this she believes herself or if it is just something that she wants me to believe in order to keep her own pride. Anyway... it is a most hateful thing to me, to tell the truth, so I guess I won't dwell on it. Everyone but her knows the truth. I guess the only thing we can say is we get the parents we were dealt at birth -- no way to change that.

The terrible thing is that during those terrible years of having to cope alone with mums dementia, she, the family doctor and all the carer support groups in South Australia said it was more acceptable for ME to become injured and or incapacitated than it was for mum to have her wishes for me to be her sole carer violated. They all said i had no rights at all.

The most ridiculous thing about the whole thing is - I, out of desperation, contacted the local women's prison and asked them - if i committed a crime bad enough to land myself in jail, would they organise care for my elderly mother. They reassured me they would organise care for my mother - and any pets if i had them - also the upkeep of my home including bill paying. Also, that womens prison is in the process of organising a hospital wing for the elderly and or demented parents of prisoners. It will be a state of the art hospital cum aged care centre.

I think parents just assume we will be there being held hostage forever if we allow it. My mom said you're off today are you coming over. I said no I'm having a date day with my husband because we're long overdue and deserve a day to ourselves. I knew she'd forget but I went on. I saw she had called several times and when I called back she initially had an attitude. I said I need time to myself, I cannot be here always just to answer every time you call. She took my head off and said I don't expect you to, but I said yes you do.

We went on fine, but I too said if something happens to me, which it could, you will have to accept help elsewhere whether you want it or not. I said you do have a son you can call too. She laughed and said yeah okay. I said really you need to prepared that if something happens, you will have to accept it.

I've been following that Dagan thread about his wife Judy and thought no way do I want to experience that kind of issue, so she'll just have to be mad.

My parents divorced when I was young. I am never married with no kids. I have very modest means. My 5 sibs are all doing much better than me. Both parents not living in our childhood home. Everyone split up and are all over the place. Mother move 1,000 miles away (she was living about 20 miles from here until recently). I do the best I can. I am not a magician.
It is important to recognize one's own personal limitations and one's own responsibility for their own personal welfare as well. My mom is lonely, I am too. She moved 1.000 miles away. Okay. My father has a wife, he is not alone. He wants and expects nothing from me, not does he care anything for me. Great. I take care of myself, I show care and concern for my mother and I try to keep going. I am a long way from retirement, if I ever get there.
I love my mother. She is 82 years old. I am 57. There is no way for me to take care of her without completely jeopardizing my own welfare. She has help around her apartment and lives in a senior center in Florida where she prefers the weather. There are also many retirees there and she has a good social network. She has good medical care there. My sibs have discussed with her that she will move to a nursing home up north if she becomes too disabled.
For now she feels separated from her family. She is. She moved there. It was her choice. I said in previous posts if parents want the company of their children they should not move all over the place.
Not every child can afford to follow their parents around like gypsies. It is impossible for most. I think most adult children do their best.

Children have also rights, this should be remembered. I gave up many years to care for my parents, as years went by the load got heavier and heavier. It is no shame to get to a point (before you break - hopefully) to admit I can not cope any longer. A good parent would never wish to bury their child before themselves.

Had a weird day today. Went out to get some things done. When I came back, I stopped the car long enough to talk to a neighbor. It was all pleasant enough. He asked me about my mother and I said she was fine. Then he said very sternly, "Take care of your mother." I said she didn't need that much help, that I mainly did chores. He said even more insistently, "Take care of your mother." WTH?

This made me wonder if people are absolute nuts and if you're a caregiver that they feel they have the right to address you in such a belittling manner as he did. All I can say is just frak him and his disrespect.

Now the stinger is I told my mother about it and she said the neighbor was right. That I ought to take care of her. She kind of missed the point that no one had the right to address me like that.

Beware of the judgemental tell you what to do while they do nothing neighbor.Obviously this male neighbor has been conversing with your mom.What's up with that for you to have such an encounter with this guy?Who else has mom been "talking" to one wonders? Sorry, I just know from experience with my own "mommy dearest" I had to nip that stab you in the back behavior in the bud before she moved in. Prior to her moving in I gave conditions under which I could provide care and that one was that if she ever "lied" about me and because of this especially since I knew I would never do anything disrespectful or wrong toward her that it would be the one and only time she did it and she better have a new place to live, I refused to live as a hostage in my own home.

Wow JessieBelle - that's really strange. And annoying.

My father used to comment about my anger and I never understood what he meant. He asked why I was always so angry. From a happy natured child to an angry women . I never knew what he meant until I realised the cause of my anger was frustration at never satisfying the endless list of jobs both him and my mother found for me. I never got time to focus on my children, my husband and myself. The frustration in me give way to resentment and anger. Sometimes we live a life not realising we are angry. My brother made a similar comment on his very few visits across the Irish sea to visit my parents. The irony was he would not stay with them and insisted he and his family could not cope with staying with OUR parents as it was to stressful for them all.

JessieBelle, there was a time when I wondered why dad's sister told me that I needed to help dad or my SIL's father who told me that I needed to do more in helping my dad. I was also puzzled why a government caregiver asked my brother what kind of a person I was. It took months before I finally realized that he was telling everyone that I was a bad daughter. I work full time, paid ALL the house bills, mom's medical bills and changed mom's pamper. I took over caregiving when I wasn't at work. I didn't go out socializing at all. I have 7 siblings and yet dad and everyone lectured me to do more.

I have a feeling your mom is telling 'stories' to everyone behind your back. Soon, if she's going to follow my dad's footsteps, she will also be telling it to your face. And she will believe it, too.

my suspicions were confirmed when I put cameras in the house for my parents protection (they were opening doors to strangers and accusing care teams of theft), I learnt the stories they told behind my back. Amazing to learn they had two faces. The one they showed me and the other one !