Elder care-Demands by elderly can be selfish and unrealistic!

Today 4th April 2015
My mother tried and very nearly succeeded in committing suicide.

All my worst fears manifested themselves in a living nightmare. Thank goodness I had installed cameras in her home or I could have been facing a manslaughter charge.

How sad the mental health services would not listen to me. How sad they put so much pressure on a lady with schizophrenia.

They deemed her able to make her own decisions regarding her care. They filled her head full of false hope. I knew my mother was not capable of making decisions, but the mental health told me I had no legal rights as a carer over my mother's decisions.

The frustrations and anguish this caused in our relationship was unreal. Coupled with outside influences from so called do-gooders offering my mother advice about subjects they knew nothing about caused so much frustration and confusion.

The memories that live in my head now will haunt me forever. The look in her eyes when we found her covered in lacerations and bruises, the hopelessness in her eyes ...... An empty vacuum now replaces the desperation I once felt. The many letters I wrote to the mental health doctor, the many meetings with the mental health social worker flagging up my concerns regarding my mothers inability to make her own decisions. Light bulb decisions made by an anxious lady striving for normality (in her own words 'I acted out of a fit of nerves').

Why oh why would no one listen to me. I was screaming in the wind.......

Thank goodness my mother lived. I would have become a victim of phantom living in my mind, caught up with internal torture. Now I have to learn to live with a memory I would have never invited inside my head. An unwelcome friend I have no hope of evicting. I will just have to learn how to live with it.

First things first I will have to ensure my mother is cared for in a safe place. Then I will talk to her and hope we can find away to live with an unsavoury memory. Then I will have to leave this place and find a future brighter and happier. I hope we can both survive this and move on.

The mental health team have allot to answer for. I hope there will be an internal enquiry and the doctor and social worker will be held accountable. No doubt they will close ranks and play cover up, pass the buck then nothing will be learned from this dreadful situation we find ourselves in.

The past cannot be changed but a proper investigation and a willingness to make change based on recognised failures or inadequacies can bring a legacy of hope to situations and families in the future. The carer needs a voice and a clear set of professional contacts who are not only in a position to listen but are able to assist with the necessary problems. Past the buck might cost the health service less only because accountability in management has gone on vacation.

Help the carer to hold the health service responsible for its actions and failures. Reinstate human rights.

Politicians listen up and do something to help the elderly and their carer's in the community. HELP !!!!!

Foremost in everyone's mind here should be, 'They have lived a good life and if they don't understand that we need to live our lives too, then it's just too bad.'

Example, my mother (99) is 'punishing' me right now because I'm about to take a 2.5 week vacation and then another 2.5 week vacation about 3 weeks later. My mother and dad went to Europe for 5 weeks when we were kids. Now it's my turn and if my mother thinks it's better for me to stay home and help her when she has plenty of paid help and help from my brother and sister, all I can say is 'tough luck'. For anyone saying that I have no empathy or sympathy for her, just know that I've been to her house 8x times a week for about 10 years since my dad died. That's over 4000 times to help her with meals and assorted other functions. It's idiotic to ruin your own life and marriage 'caring' for someone who has little appreciation for what she is asking.

I know what you mean. My mother gives me plenty opportunity to say something that is my best "weapon" against her criticism of me. She tells me when I was your age, I was still working and going on trips and doing all the others things. And I tell her, yeah, but at my age you weren't taking care of your parents. That hushes her right up.

I have to say, how soon they forget. I am single, not well off, had a long and serious illness for 10 years (age 40-50) and basically took care of myself.

I had a loving Aunt who has since passed away. If it were not for her moral support and economic assistance I would be destitute.

Thankfully I recovered, but left with a big economic hole to fill. I have no partner or children. I always helped my late Aunt and the other elders in the family very much when I was physically able. They were kind to me and I returned the favor. They also had economic resources and hired help. That took some from my inheritance but it did not matter to me in the least as they assisted me when I was in greatest need, and I them. I was very glad they had money to pay for help and that they were not demanding. I loved them and visited them frequently. They lived long lives (into their 90's) in general good health. I am so grateful that they did not move far away as I never would have been able to visit them due to poor health and lack of finds. The were wise. I read many of the comments about baby boomer generation never having the security of their parents. This is quite true. My parents (who are divorced) have little comprehension of this fact. They lived in an era of a prosperous middle class, long term steady employment and reliable pensions. This is not the current state of affairs for many middle aged people. Hopefully the economic and political tide will turn. But for now, it is virtually impossible for children to take care of aging parents in the same manner as the previous generation. Add to the mix that they are divorced and have moved far away. I would go positively broke if I were to try to meet their demands. They do not see the current economic picture. Additionally they both had intact families and elders that stayed put in their late years so no one had to travel to give them care and to visit.
I do not have children, but if I were lucky enough to have them I would never expect them to relocate to take care of me. How can a parent expect such a thing? It is impossible. My mother, who is very disabled, left her very nice and comfortable home which was nearby so she could be in Florida. She is uncomfortable in the cold climate. While that is understandable, it is unreasonable for her to expect that the whole tribe should accommodate her desires to come and go. She requires a high level of care and having her as a houseguest is a full time job. I can hardly take care of myself and do not have a place to accommodate a handicapped woman. I asked her not to leave her home here, but she left anyway. Two years later she is reaching the point where she feels abandoned, unloved and forgotten. But she is the one who moved away. I can only say that while I love my mother very much, I do not have the resources to up and care for her. Neither do my siblings who have all been very generous with their vacation time and whatever cost is incurred to travel and accommodate her. As I wrote in another post, it is best if the aging parent stays nearby if they expect the company of their adult children. But this is old news. My parents divorced when we we young and sold our childhood home. Now they would like everyone to make them cozy in their old age. Interesting contrast. I do my best and leave the guilt behind. i cannot fulfill their every desire. They left, not me. Their concern for their own personal comfort is most important to them. That's great. But I do not have to jeopardize my own personal welfare to accommodate their unrealistic ideas about how things aught to be. Things are simply not that way.
I have always done my best and that is all anyone can do.

My elder is the one who directed his wife and my uncles wife to do all the cleaning, cooking, etc for his own 100+ father, doing NONE of the dirty work himself. He also expected us kids to to the nursing home/hospital visits to his father, mother, brother. In my memory, HE visited his brother 3 times for 5 minutes each over the course of 5 years. He visited his own parents only sporadically. Fast forward 35 years....much is expected and demanded. Pay it forward? Pay it backward? Much time and effort that should have been spent on my marriage and my children was spent on him. I feel like the lost generation.

Hi Mincemeat -
In addition to my elderly mother, I have an elderly father. His sister took care of his elderly parents. I took care of his elderly sister. He showed up at the funeral, settled the estate (he got about 85%), thanked me for my hard work and told me to expect nothing more.
I did pay it forward - to the ones who cared. I already have a pretty good idea of what to expect from him. Hard work and no appreciation. This is the lightbulb that has gone off in my head.
As long as you are at the service of someone who treats you as if it is your duty and their birthright to have their bidding done always, a person will always come out short. There is no real understanding or empathy. I do my best but I am not a doormat. I am sorry to hear that your father treats you in this manner. Just do what you feel is right for those you care for and who care for you. They brought us into this world. We are free individuals, not servants. It is an unfortunate characteristic that some have, which is a total blind spot to "their end if the bargain".
Go in peace and do not let this person terrorize you any longer. Take care of yourself, and let your kids grow up in peace as well. It is surprising that sometimes the most generous person can emerge from such selfish parents. I am guessing the other family members had more charitable characteristics.

So, the big question to me, is what are you supposed to do in the situations on this board? My mom is only 60, I'm 37, but she is having constant surgery after surgery for about 5 years. Between surgeries, she barely does anything on her own. She's divorced, and my siblings ran away to different states to avoid the situation. She lived with us for a year before my husband couldn't handle her and her dog any more and kicked them out. She has no retirement, no job, no money, and is on medicare so options are limited. I don't have kids, but my marriage is struggling because of her, and she just assumes its my job to do everything for her. She never asks any more. So, now we're 3 weeks away from back fusion surgery. She says she's in too much pain to do anything for herself. So, it's doing laundry, giving her showers, caring for her dog, meals, house cleaning, dr visits, grocery shopping, etc... 24/7 until she has her surgery and then who knows how long after. I don't know how long i can do this and whether my marriage will survive or not. The thought of her living another 30 years requiring this of me kills me. But, she has no one else. What do i do?

Frog2, easy as - refuse to give up your life for your selfish mother now before you ruin your own health. I learned this lesson the hard way and as a result of neglecting my life and health for my mother, I am now permanently on a walking frame and I am only fifty. The worst part is - mum had her life and did everything she wanted and had her mother put in a nursing home, but she deliberately denied me those same rights.

Hi Frogs2
Do not sacrifice your marriage to be a personal servant to your mother and her dog.
I suggest you speak to the social worker at the hospital. There are many services available to those on Medicare including bathing, housekeeping, laundry, help dressing and so on. Also, there is an organization called Meals on Wheels which will prepare and deliver a hot nutritious meal with milk, fruit, entree, coffee or tea. This service is low coat or free to people who are unable to do this for themselves because of poor health or temporary or permanent disability.
Like I said, speak to the social worker at the hospital about this. DO NOT sacrifice your own marriage to walk your mother's dog. Maybe there is a chapter of the ASPCA that would offer a volunteer to walk and feed your mother's dog or provide foster care for the animal. DO NOT forgo your own personal happiness for a dog.
Create some boundaries for yourself. It is nice to
Be concerned about your mother's welfare. It is not right for you to sacrifice your own marriage to keep
het company and be her constant companion.
My mother is divorced twice and disabled. It is not my job to be her "husband" just because she is my mother.
Any if this make sense?
Talk to the social worker at the hospital or to the department for the aging in your community.
It is natural to feel like helping your mother. The lengths you are going to are not necessary.
If she refuses the help that is offered, DON'T DO IT YOURSELF!!'
Often the older people are averse to change or feel it is their right to ask their child to wait on hand and foot just because because they brought them into the world.
Please reach out to these recourses. Your mother will destroy your marriage if you let her.
Just because she got divorced doesn't mean you should.
I have dealt with guilt trips and selfish elders. My own mother refused help for the longest time. After many injuries and accidents, she finally accepted reality and accepted help from Medicare, Meals on Wheels and so on.
Good Luck

She has no one else because she has driven them away.

Think about it - What made hubby insist she move out? Was he being unreasonable or unkind?

Your marriage will not survive if you do what she is expecting you to do, which includes deserting your husband, which is wrong to ask of you but she feels free to ask it anyways...or not even ask, but expect.

You contact your area agency on aging, and she either has resources to pay for some help or she doesn't; if she doesn't she applies for Medicaid. She will need it because post op from her back surgery she will either get rehab, or she will expect to go home and lay around and have you take care of everything again, and that would virtually guarantee she will not even begin to recover. Medicare only pays for about 20 days of rehab now.

I would bet dollars to donuts that when you are not there, she manages to do some things for herself. Ask them to do a cognitive assessment at some point; there may be some surprises there as well.

Cognitive AND psychiatric assessments.

Thank you guys for the comments and support. She is going to the rehab place for 20 days, and is applying for madicaid today. She was very surprised that i told her to go their after surgery and has been putting off calling because she thinks I'll change my mind. A lot of wailing and gnashing of teeth on her part, but worth it to me if i can be with my husband. Thanks again!

Frog2 - Please talk to the social worker at the hospital where they will do surgery and ask which rehab centers will take medicaid. Also call medicaid and find out what options there are for her to go from rehab to senior living of some sort. You have also recieved very good advice above. Those resources may help you sort out everything except the dog....which may have to be adopted by another friend or a dog rescue that focuses on "re-homeing" dogs.

Yes Frogs 2
Mincemeat is correct. The rehab stay after surgery is covered by Medicare and some aftercare at home is as well. If she has no resources, Medicaid will pick up for many on home services. I also mentioned Meals on Wheels. At the very least you do not have to shop and cook for her. Mincemeat gave you great advice. The social worker at the hospital should be knowledgeable about all the Healthcare and home care benefits your mother is entitled to.. There is no reason on Earth you should leave your husband to care for your mother. You are already caring for her by investigating the professional resources available to her via the healthcare system. If she doesn't like it, too bad. DO NOT do it yourself. There are many qualified capable professionals who get paid to do this. You can visit and offer moral support.
And as far as the dog goes, adoption may be the best choice. It is HER dog, not yours. Perhaps there is a willing neighbor who is an animal lover who would help. If not, don't turn YOURSELF into her personal dog servant. Don't let her guilt trip you into that. Talk it over with the social worker and perhaps they can assist you with a solution. Do not turn your life upside down over a dog. There are plenty of animal lovers that would love to "rescue" an animal.
Good luck Frogs2.
I hope your mother gets better and I hope you and your husband have a long, peaceful and happy marriage.

By the way, my own mother eventually moved into a señor residence. She has lots of company there, great on site services, support from social workers and so on. If your mother is unable to keep up her home, a senior residence is an excellent alternative. Many services and companions of a similar age there for her comfort and needs. Social activities and helpful seniors in similar circumstances. It will lift a load off your mind and she might actually like it there!

Thanks. I would say that her dog is definitely a problem. She had been making her dog food by hand, and wants me to do it as well. I love dogs but this dog is just the worst. I love the advise, and agree that the dog needs to find a new home. Thanks for all the good info for resources, and Jay for understanding.

Good for you Frogs2.
I have adult friends who cannot pay for their own night out because of dog care, dog food expenses and so on. They complain they are bored and out of cash to go out.
It is their dog, their responsibility. Preparing homemade dog food for your mother's dog is too much. When do you get to stuff for your husband and yourself?
The dog has got to go. If she cannot take care of it herself - it must go. She must take care of her own personal health
My mom has many pursuits that she loves but can no longer do or afford to do. She likes treating her grand kids and traveling.
Unfortunately it is no longer a physical and economic reality for her.
As I said, I would like an all expense paid trip around the world. I can't really afford that, so I enjoy myself within my means.
Some elders expect things to be their way in perpetuity. It is unrealistic. Their every wish can not be granted.
Good luck Frogs2!

My mother was prescribed Olanzapine and Fluoxetine. I have just learned through my own research that a side affect from taking Fluoxetine can be thoughts of suicide. Why were the family not made aware of this ?
Now I can understand the events that surround the 4th / 5th April 2015 a little better. My complaint has been dropped and I have been denied contact details for SAI external enquiry. What is going on ? These people are untouchable ! 😞

Prozac (fluoxetine) and any SSRI can increase suicidal thoughts, but so can depression. If she in fact had that as a side effect don't necessarily hold it against the prescriber - Prozac was probably a very appropriate drug to try, and failing to treat treatable illnesses for fear of side effects when the illness can be at least as bad as the most likely ones is usually a mistake. My mom almost did not get treated for her Parkinsonism and would have gone downhill a lot sooner and a lot faster if the scaredy-cat doc had prevailed. And, some things that held out hope of making her better cognitively did not pan out and had to be stopped, but if we'd never tried I would have read the most recent articles one of them, and felt like I'd failed her! Some of us are better at the side effects talks with new Rxs than others.

My mother has suffered from schizophrenia all of my life (well over 50 years). We hen my father (89) took vascular dementia due to heart failure, I was left alone to care for my mother. We knew this was going to be a very difficult time. I wrote time and time again to mental health asking for help. I was ignored. I even fitted cameras to watch my mother. My life became intolerable. Dealing with my father and mothers financial affairs, back and forth to the hospital then to the care home (where my father resides newly a year later), and back home to cope with my mother. Eventually she tried to end her life. She left the house late one night, never to return. We found her some17 hours later barely alive. My mother is now also in care. I am angry about the fact that firstly I was not told about the possible side affects her medication may produce, secondly the fact my concerns, letters, meetings, emails were ignored, thirdly the lack of transparency surrounding the SAI enquiry and lastly the manner in which they treated my family and myself. My father and I cared for my mother for as long as I can remember. This last 4 years of my father's declining health have been unbearable. I never knew life could be so hard. My father was unable to walk, doubly incontinent, blind, confused, suffering from pressure sores which were badly infected, unable to feed himself or sleep and suffering from confusion. Eventually he went into heart failure ( that was nearly a year ago). He is still alive although he suffers from continual urinary tract and chest infections. It is all so terrible to watch.

I know that just because my mother makes demands I don't have to give into them. Even when I don't give into every demand, that doesn't stop her from bombarding me with them. She just never lets up!! I have burnout from this and from spending so much time trying to dodge her demands. I've been trying to deflect her, by telling her to call one of my siblings to do something. She always goes into these mind bending, round about, lame excuses why she can't expect them to do anything for her. (they're busy, they're sleeping, they have other things to do...)

For example: she wanted me to take her shopping for clothes hangers. The cheap plastic hangers. I took her to two stores, she "didn't see anything she liked", they had packs of 12, oh no, she doesn't need that many. She wants me to take her to other stores a couple of towns away to shop for the exact small pack of hangers she wants. This is what my life has been like a couple of times a week since she moved here over a year ago.

One time when I was driving her home from her weekly 2 hr. grocery shopping and I was tired, she said that she COULD go shopping once a week. But she deliberately decided not to and that she holds back on getting everything she needs on purpose, so that she has an excuse to go shopping every week and it gets her out of the house. In other words, she COULD give me a break every other week, but deliberately manipulates her shopping so that I don't. (I felt like driving my car off the road when she said that.) And right after she said that she hit me up with two other shopping errands she wanted me to come back and take her to. (the hangers shopping) She doesn't acknowledge at all my involvement in getting her shopping, and all the work, time and energy I have to put in, and doing her driving and getting her out of the house.

phoenix, I know exactly what you mean. Everything becomes about them. We could break an arm and have a heart attack, and they'll say they hope we get better fast so we can take them shopping. :)

I've been their also. Shopping for tomatoes in packs of four that only come in fives. Eventually I insisted on Tesco home deliveries. That to had its drawbacks when the van did not arrive percisely at the requested time. Impossible situation we find ourselves in.

I did something today that works with the narcissistic need of my mother, instead of against it. Sunday I had taken her to church and out to eat. Monday we had an emergency appointment at urgent care that took half a day. It made me miss my hair appointment. :( My mother was all glum today while I was working, so I asked her if she wanted to get her hair cut tomorrow and go out to eat. She said yes and brightened up. She was pleasant the rest of the evening. I hope we can both get our hair done, but if not, I can always get mine cut later.

I wonder if some narcissism comes up because someone feels left out. It's worth a try to include her as much as feasible when it comes to things she likes to do.

JessieBelle, if the unforseeable future, your mom gets used to these outings and finds out it's even more fun to embarrass you publicly, don't feel bad if you drop these outings like a hot potato. That's my dad. I hope your mom is different. Enjoy your hair appointments tomorrow!

book, taking Mom out is rarely enjoyable. She walks like each step is her last. It is hard on her. I know she won't want to go out very often. I think it was more because it gave her something to look forward to and also a message that someone was including her. It is so much easier not to include them, particularly when they are difficult. I am kind of embarrassed that I don't include her more. Maybe if she felt she still belonged she would be better?? It's worth a try. I don't think this would work with your father, book. He is so different from my mother. And you do so much for him already.

I love my mother but she moved far away. I was sad when she first left, but it was her decision. She is not well and lives in a senior community in Florida. Although none of her family live there, she seems quite content in a strange way. Everyone who lives there is a senior and they are a fairly cohesive community. She also has excellent doctors there. She has more mobility because of the warm weather and there are many social activities geared towards her elderly lifestyle.
She is the one who chose to move there. She engineered the whole thing herself. The first year she expected people to come see her (there is no room for guests to stay in her efficiency apartment) and for people to squire her back and forth to have her visit them. None of us has a home equipped for the handicapped (she had one here complete with guest room but she gave it up).
Also, none of us are retired and therefore cannot be there to look after her and make sure she is entertained and safe.
So she lives far away and she prefers the year round warm climate.
While I often wish she were closer by, I realize she would probably be miserable and so would I - trying to be a valet service and companion. Our family and the Grand kids are all spread out all over the country.
To those who make 3-4 trips to buy hangars, packs of tomatoes in just the right size and so on, seems like Mom is bored. Is there a senior community group in your area? My late Aunt was alone after her retirement. Although I loved her very much and we got along well, she was retired and had loads of time on her hands. I coaxed her into finding outlets for socializing and making new friends (she was a career woman her whole life - many contemporaries passed away and she was never married, no kids).
Well, she first joined a parish (she was Roman Catholic). There were SO many single older ladies there that she ended up having a busier social calendar than me! I would visit when I was able, knowing that she loved my company, but at least she was not alone. She did not live nearby so that made it more difficult to see her.
In this day and age there are so many activities for seniors. If your Mom is able bodied (sounds like she is) there are activities that can be arranged in the community I am sure. My Aunt even found a service that picked her up each week for trips to the grocery store. She also joined a cooking class, a women's club, a senior group and made lots of new RETIRED friends who went to the movies and shows together at a discounted price.
It is great that you love your mother, but you do not need to be her CONSTANT companion.
Good luck!!

My sig other took my Mom to a new hearing aid place. He said he never realized how frail my parents were becoming because the past 3 months all we saw them was in the house because I had to stop driving because of an injury.

Sig other doesn't have much patience as my parents both are walking very slow .... hard to believe that 6 years ago both of them use to walk 2 miles a day, every day, rain or shine.

Then my Dad complained to sig other that he's been stuck in the house as I stopped coming over to drive him here or there.... that struck a nerve with my sig other because he's seeing the pain I have been in since my fall this past May. Sig other had to remind my Dad "she can't drive yet".

If only my folks would have moved to a nice retirement village, which they could easily afford... which has transportation, etc. But no.

It's interesting to hear what you say, Kidnumber2. My mother did exactly the same thing. Moved to a retirement community in Florida, had lots of friends and social activities. We were all in the northeast, where we were raised. That lasted almost 20 years. Then she started having mobility and balance problems. She started falling a lot. She needed a cane, then a walker. Even with the walker, she can only walk 20-30 steps at best, and she still falls occasionally.

About 5 years ago I decided that Mom needed at least one of us nearby in case of emergencies and to do any chores she couldn't safely do, like anything involving getting on a ladder. Almost immediately upon my arrival, Mom gave up driving by herself, and roped me into being almost her full-time chauffeur and household help. I quickly got overwhelmed, and a year later we both moved to the town about 2 hours from her where both my older sisters had retired to.

My point is that the senior-community-lots-of-activities-lots-of-friends period only lasts so long, and then it's adult children called in to meet all the parent's needs. My mother rarely sees or speaks to any of her old friends, although I encourage her to keep in touch. She feels that part of her life is over. She's now needy and dependent, and those old friends are no use to her. Her daughters, on whom she can impose endlessly without anything expected in return, are the only people she wants around. Luckily there are three of us, although most of the burden is still on me. My mother is 84 and could still live a long long time.

Hi CarlaCB
My Mom is 82, has had many falls and injuries and uses a walker. This ALL before she decided to move to Florida. She had also suffered a stroke. I do not think it is a picnic there for her, but she could not be persuaded to stay here. None of us is retired as I said. Our plan (and hers) is that when she becomes too feeble she will move back to the Northeast where the majority of her children reside.
I got her on a short waiting list (6 months) in a senior residence 3 minutes walk from my home. She refused to go.
So she is in Florida. She will stay there until she decides to return. I cannot turn my life upside down for her. There is just so far one can go. I do not drive, I work up here, I am single with not a lot of money and retirement is 10 years away for me.
She'll be fine and I'll be destitute. As I mentioned in another post, if the parent really needs to have a family to lean on, don't move 1,000 miles away.