Elder care-Demands by elderly can be selfish and unrealistic!


Too many elderly parents assume adult children will become responsible for them no matter what their child's life is at. They do not consider the impact it will have on their children's lives. Adult children are not built in safety nets for the elderly parent. Elderly parents must take some responsibility toward their care as they age and not assume their children will do it all for them. In today's economy it is selfish and unrealistic for the elderly to meet their expectations by their children. Have some compassion for your adult children and help yourselves first and in return your children will not hesitate to help you.



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Some elderly parents expect their adult children to become caregivers, servants, banks, entertainment systems and emotional trash cans. To name
a few of the roles I've both seen and played myself.

It's grotesquely unfair. Many have subjected their children to abuse or abandonment in childhood and then wish to plunder the rest of their chidren's productive adult lives. I wonder how many of the "spending my children's
inheritance" crowd will demand free housing and care when they've blown
through their savings and need help down the road.

All I can say is that aging is verrrrrrry expensive. Taking care of oneself financially, emotionally and health wise becomes an obligation if we do
not wish to be a burden on our adult children in our later years. So many
seniors enjoy expensive travel, lavishly maintain their home(s), spend a
small fortune on restaurants and expensive clothing and cars, and then
essentially rob their adult children and grandchildren from even a weekend
getaway or small experiences of respite, let alone life changing adventure.

I've heard so many stories of elder abuse, that I never dreamed there was
even such a thing as caregiver abuse. My own experiences and reading
some of the stories on here has definitely changed that view.

kcred78, understanding how you got into this situation can help you figure out how to get out of it.

I asked you some questions several weeks ago, but you never replied. Can you answer some of the questions?

Kcred, I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your mom needs more help than one person alone can provide, and perhaps medication to treat her mental health symptoms.

It sounds like she is not cooperative, but you do have options. One would be to call 911 the next time your mom threatens to kill herself. The police can do a Baker Act and have her taken to a mental health facility to be evaluated.

You can also contact APS and let them know that your mom is unable to live alone and that you are no longer able to care for her. They will potentially look for any other relatives who might be willing to oversee her care or the state might assume the responsibility. Either way, you would not be liable.

Another alternative would be to seek guardianship if your mom is determined to be mentally incompetent, which would allow you to find facility placement. However, this would also mean the responsibility of overseeing her health care decisions and finances, as well as providing regular reporting to the guardianship court. If your mom is toxic and abusive though, consider carefully whether you would want that responsibility. I am my mom's guardian but often wish I hadn't taken it on because she has not been easy to deal with either, nor has the drama from other family members.

Definitely not an easy decision, but it sounds like your mom is a danger to herself and that living with her is taking a toll on you as well.

Would she be willing to talk to a geriatric specialist? It really does sound like she should be evaluated for both neurological and mental health issues.

Things are not getting better. Even when I am not talking much to her she manages to find fault and yell at me about the few words that I do say - the tone is not right, I am being rude, I am ungrateful, etc. I have come to a point where I feel like death is better than this.

kcred78, I'm just guessing from your name here that you were born in 1978? So you are around 40? And you've been living in this abusive situation since you were 22?

Please give us some background. How did you get saddled with her 18 years ago? Do you have siblings? Who is in the family that she calls to tell them you are abusive?

Please start your own thread. The wonderful, caring people on here can help you formulate a plan to take back your life. We will provide support for you every step of the way.

This miserable life you have does NOT have to continue. There is a way out.

How about it?

Grateful to have found this thread. My mother lives with me, she just turned 79. My dad was always the one who did everything for my mother, she couldn't do even the simplest things. She never even learnt how to drive. My dad passed away 18 years ago and ever since then she has clung on to me. I am single because I can't go out on dates because she wouldn't let me leave the house. I have to prepare her breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack and dinner everyday. If I am even a few mins late, she will throw a tantrum. I can't go overseas even though I have received project opportunities. There is no such thing as a holiday because she doesn't believe in them. She is not mobile so I have to help her get around if she wants to go out - she refuses (to the point of scream-crying) to use a wheelchair or walker or a similar aide. She disallows anybody from coming to our home but she makes me tell them and when they ask her why they can't come over she puts the blame on me. Putting her in assisted living is impossible because she threatens to either kill herself or she calls all the relatives and tells them how I abuse her (I barely speak with her! I only speak with her when necessary). And the relatives all think she's a sweet old lady because that's how she treats them. So they give me a hard time. They have no idea what's going on at home. She uses the bathroom to urinate and doesn't clean very well. So every day I need to clean her bathroom because it stinks or urine causing the whole house to stink too. I have employed live-in professionals to care for her but she has chased three away after just one week by yelling and screaming at them. After the third one, she threatened to chase the next one away in a day if I dare to get someone. She insists that I need to care for her 100% of the time. Even if I have work to do, she sulks and criticises me sarcastically so it creates this toxic environment. All she does everyday is eat, sleep and watch tv all day. She refuses to make an attempt to even help herself out. I have given up and have limited talking to her. I barely say a few words everyday. But the fact remains that I am tired and I am stuck in the house with her forever. There's no escape. And yes, I do feel sorry for myself because I don't know what I can do to make my situation better.

Abbie, can you have her go to a NH now? You have to take care of yourself and have some happiness!

After four years of abusive behavior from my 98 year old mother, I know I should have sent her to a nursing home and never taken her in. She expects a servant around the clock. I am +70 years old and have poor health.
She abandoned us as children and has only thought of herself her entire life. Don't make the mistake of trying to mend a lifetime relationship flaw. Send them to a nursing home and don't guilt yourself.

After a lot of consideration and a week's test run (didn't tell my father it was that), I learned I would never survive him living with me. He was not a good parent, but he was family. Today he died, alone living on a bare lot he purchased 2 months ago, 3000 miles from home, in a tent with no water, electricity or toilet.

.I tried everything to get him into alternative housing and support near me, but he 'bolted', essentially went off to die, like an Eskimo on an ice floe because he couldn't live with me or my brother.

He died today and I'm so sad, mostly for the loss of potential; for what could have been had he been willing to work with me.

My mother, on the other hand has made lots of friends in her senior's apt bldg, takes advantage of volunteer drivers, etc and so has created a safety network for herself.

I too now am working hard to make sure 20 yrs down the line I have a good safety network for myself.

I don't regret not taking my father in- I would not have survived it, but am sad the only 2 choices in his mind were to live with us or go off to die alone.

Wantsfree, your mother sounds horrible. If you pay for her caregiver now, how much caregiving is that? 24/7? A few hours a few times during the week? Somewhere in between?

Is someone her POA? Healthcare POA? Executor of her will?

Her income is like a health care professional? Does she have a sizeable estate or trust? Do you know the terms of that? Wouldn't it be awful to have been ponying up for her care for all these years, and then she turns around and shafts you in her will?

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