Dysfunctional Family Definition

Happy for you, Canoe.

CTT,

You said it. Definitely a train wreck.

BarbBrooklynn,

Thank you for this thread. Anyone who has read some of my posts recognizes me as one of the poster children for dysfunctional families. It’s been you and many others on this forum who have gently awakened me to this fact, and I am forever grateful. I obviously can’t fix the depth of dysfunction in my family but I am trying hard to recognize the cause and effect, practice self care, and fix how I respond. My goal is to stop my co-dependent tendencies and to make better decisions on behalf of myself and the people I love. No small task, but I’m a climber. It’s a new day and I no longer feel like the victim.

So when I thank all of you and tell you that you’ve been a lifeline, I mean that more than you know. I am grateful and I only hope to be able to inspire others in their journeys the way you have inspired me.

I’m tearing up as I type this so hugs and thank you again.

BarbBrooklyn: "I find it very sad to read on this forum about abused adult children who feel that they have an obligation to destroy their lives because a parent is elderly and in need of care. They carry around a longing for a 'good' parent and seem to think if they sacrifice enough, mom or dad will get nicer.

It doesn't happen; the adult child is left broke, sometimes homeless and emotionally destroyed.

We see it here everyday; it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion."

Yes, this is SO common on this forum! Often this unnecessary martrydom is justified by writing that they do what they do so they can sleep or night or that they are taking the moral high road because hey couldn't live with themselves otherwise.

Often the people realize that they can't/won't change their patterns, and then they often (but not always) become hostile to those who propose solutions. The self-change for them to improve their situation is too overwhelming for them.

But every once in a while there is a poster who really does make radical changes and refuses to accept the abusive dysfunctional status quo. : - )

Sendhelp,

I totally get what you’re saying. It’s based on what we perceive as our ‘frame of reference.” There’s evidence of it certainly in so many areas.

For instance, so many alcoholics have alcoholic children. Yeah, I know there is genetics involved too. It also goes the opposite way too. Some don’t follow in the same footsteps.

The same can be said for abuse. Some who are abused end up abusing as well. Again, not always but it does happen because it’s all they know, like you say, it becomes a ‘normal’ scenario in their family.

Wow, very interesting. Especially the drama trainge. Found a youtube (if that works).

https://youtu.be/E_XSeUYa0-8

I really like the approach of the second triange: Creator, Challenger & Coach.

Being a Coach instead of a Resucer mindset for all those adults stuggling with stepping in to provide care for former abusive parents. That is exactly what helped me! Instead of responding to their speed dial beck & call alarms - I kept asking how are YOU going to solve this/get this done etc.

21 months of asking - of pointing out the consequences - of me stopping to turn up to unlock the door. Now (after 21 months) there is a code box access for paramedics & aides to get in that door.

Hope other families are quicker learners than mine! I didn't have the triangle knowledge then... now look out!

I've learned so much about the dynamics of dysfunctional families here on this forum. A part of me used to believe that "blood is thicker than water" and I didn't understand the people in my life who went no contact with a family member, now when I hear about some sweet old man/woman whose family never comes to visit I wonder what might be hiding beneath the surface that precipitated that. As well as those who come here to vent about the toxic people in their lives there are also many who avow to have a close relationship with the person they are caring for but from the outside it looks very much like an unhealthy enmeshment.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dysfunctional_family

Not sure if the original link got taken down or what, but here it is.

Look, each dysfunctional family is unique, but there are some commonalities that are useful to read about.

I find it very sad to read on this forum about abused adult children who feel that they have an obligation to destroy their lives because a parent is elderly and in need of care. They carry around a longing for a "good" parent and seem to think if they sacrifice enough, mom or dad will get nicer.

It doesn't happen; the adult child is left broke, sometimes homeless and emotionally destroyed.

We see it here everyday; it's like watching a train wreck in slow motion.

No, that's not right.
Most children who grow up in dysfunctional families grow up thinking this is all normal, and something must be wrong with themselves.

No definition needed, you know if you have one kinda thing.

Lol Barb,
We need more information.

Do you have a link? Since it's on Wikipedia, I probably have a lot to ADD to the dysfunctional family definition..........LOL.