Today truthfully, I am ready for my mom to die....most days I do not like her..everyday I take a 0.5 Xanax before I even step into the nursing home because I do not know what I am going to face. I go Monday -Friday during my lunch hour. People say don't do that but I am the only person in her life that isn't paid to take care of her. Will it be the sick woman ? Will it be the mean, mad and hateful woman that thrives on watching my face melt ? Will it be the one who she reminds that she does not want to be there and worked to hard all her life for it to end this way. She left me with every Tom, Dick and Harry as a child I was left with people I should have never been left with.
I am disgusted with myself for always wanting to be the pleaser. I admire the people that just let things roll off there backs. I was so angry with her last week when I left so you know what I did ? I went shopping and spent money I don't have to bring her some new stuff for her room that" may" make her happy. Plus, I have to buy her pads for incontinence because the pull ups the nursing home provides are not enough she says. What is wrong with me ? I was therapy for awhile a few years ago which helped. I have been my mom's caregiver since 1999 (she did not live with me) I am an only child my half brother died in 1997 and he took everything she owned before that happened. She has no friends..doesn't like anyone in the nursing home nor did she when she lived in the apartment. I am it... Decisions she has mad in her life put her where she is, but still I feel guilty.. I needed to vent this morning so I did. If you look at my account information you will see that I have been doing this awhile. Just needed to release some stream. I will tell you I am the wife to the love of my life the mother of two great kids married to people we love and I am blessed to be the Nana to four...so my life is good in so many ways. I broke the pattern of dysfunction on my end. I am the only one who suffers at the hands of my mother and will continue to tend to her until she draws her last breath because that is what I feel God asks of me....Thanks for listening and any life altering words of wisdom are appreciated. Someone said let her words just flow over your head but her word are like a hurricane to me and even "if" I walk out swearing to not let it bother me it is always a little voice in my head that will not go away...it is easy for people that do not do it, but you guys do....I didn't want her to die and me be mad at her but in the end she will die being mad at me which I told her last week without any response back. She will not talk to the hospice Chaplin nor the social worker. I am the only she sees other than the ones who are paid to tend to her.