The dreaded Holiday season is almost here.......just another responsibility for caregivers

If your sisters aren't interested in making plans with Mom, then she probably knows that and feels uncomfortable saying that is what she wants. I wouldn't be keen on visiting a place for Christmas if I'm not wanted, even if they are my family members.

I might check into a local place who hosts Christmas lunch or dinner, like a church, senior center or local ministry. They host meals and present gifts. It might be a way she could feel welcomed and able to enjoy the spirit of the season who want to make her day brighter. There are people who give of their time and energy on Christmas to make it special for those who need it. I'd afford Mom an opportunity to enjoy it. And hopefully, they would help with transport due to her mobility issues.

I'm wondering if our grandparents or parents were once just as stressed about the holidays as we are, but when we were children and young adults we just didn't see it. In my childhood my grandmother always hosted the family for christmas, despite having to care for my grandfather and living in a tiny house without cental heating. She only had a 24 inch range yet somehow crammed in a 20 lb turkey and all the trimmings. That HAD to be stressful.
Of course naturally all the women pitched in with last minute prep and clean up, now when I tell my family not to bother they actually listen to me and leave the clean up to me. LOL

cwillie, good point, I hadn't thought about that. I remember when I was a kid my Mom would get up at 4 in the morning to start the Thanksgiving meal... back then stuffing was hand made and Mom was toasting old bread in the oven. And this was for Dad and I, there weren't other family nearby. Once in awhile my parents would drive down from NY to Conn to the family farm where Mom was one of 5 sisters and everyone pitched in to help my Grandma. I didn't, Dad and I were out in the barn with Grandpa as what he was doing was so much more interesting :)

But my Mom apparently liked her "job" as being the housewife, having the whitest sheets on the backyard clothes lines, keeping her house sparkling clean [I remember her on her knees waxing the wood floors], so cooking meals and grocery shopping made her happy. She was the Martha Stewart of her time.

As for myself, anytime I watch "Everyone Loves Raymond" and everyone is raving about Marie's cooking, I am the "Debra" character [Ray's wife who can't cook].

I need to figure out Thanksgiving this year as for the first time my parents aren't together, as Mom is in long term care, and Dad has caregivers [will give the caregivers the afternoon/evening off and bring Dad to my house]. Guess I will once again have the grocery store cook the meal and I bring it home to heat up. But sig other will be working Thanksgiving as usual, as world security doesn't stop for the holidays.

Kimber, you made me laugh and smile with your comment about "FOOD RELIGION"...whew I loved it! I live on a farm and when I put on a holiday meal, 80 percent of everything on the table was grown myself. What ever the current buzz words are...."sustainable agriculture", "farm to fork", organic, GMO (Did you know that we as humans are GMO organisms?), yada, yada, yada. Yessiree, the meal is as wholesome and fresh as it possibly could be. And when neice in laws bring tofu, taboule, and raw veggies....it is all fine....just bring your own!

Thanks for bringing forward an important thought about how we should learn to be flexible and erradicate undue stress from our holidays!

Yes holiday time can be the pits. All those "cutesy" commercials with families in their huge homes, Give me a break. This year, the family will celebrate earlier (like end of November) because two are going to Thailand for six weeks. I have no idea what actual Xmas day will be like. The holiday season used to be fun but now it's work and more work. Usually, I end up decorating the house and getting the folks ready for the festivities. Hopefully, it will be different this year (ha,ha).
BTW, eating at The Cracker Barrel sounds like a great idea! Haven't been there for years.

I found that the people making the most noise about family get-togethers are frequently the ones that don't plan to do the work to make it happen. Or contribute money or food beyond a bag of green salad or 50 cent bag of rolls. I told my husband that family get-togethers are now happening at a restaurant so I don't spend three days cleaning the house before and after as well as resent being a servant for weeks. Easy-peasy. If someone else wants to host at their home, feel free. In 4 years, has only happened 1 in 8 times. Heh-heh.

I am constantly keeping the "green eyed monster" away when it comes to my siblings and their no show/no call neglect concerning their Mom...

BUT this being a holiday week makes it so hard!!!

I'll be cooking dinner for my immediate family and only one of my sisters (fav, my support) will call Mom.. The rest of them 5 will not even give a crap...

I can't wait till the holidays are over!!

Like most of you here I'm pretty much on my own (especially in my heart)... no siblings ever, ever around... and relationships have just about made me literally sick while trying to care for my mother (after a decade). I can't express (like you) the heartbreak, especially around the holidays and trying to get through them... and, do all the 'chores/caregiving'. So, this year I told myself whatever I do (like put up a little bit of Christmas decorations, will be to keep it in mind for 'me' first. We keep trying don't we?...

My mom "hasn't had time" to put away her Christmas decorations since 2010. And had an early-dementia(?) sh*t fit when I made the radical offer to, uh, carry them to the basement for her. (Won't make that mistake again.) So.....all things Christmas are in a big heap on mom's living-room console stereo. Every time I walk in the door, I'm greeted by a jumble of fake holly and stockings, a tower of ornaments and a snowman cookie jar. There's a part of me that sees the humor in this......and a part of me that wants to run-not-walk to the closest nuthouse and sign myself in.

Yikes! Son just called and told me he and his girlfriend will be coming Tuesday night till the Sunday...

And husband says has off Wednesday thru Sunday..

I was so looking forward to Mom being at Daycare on Wednesday and being able to prepare some things before Turkey Day alone!!!

Fav country song ever: DADDY, DONT GET DRUNK AGAIN FOR CHRISTMAS

Yikes, assandache! That was a major double shock. Sending sedative vibes your way.

Blackhole, my parents didn't take down their Christmas decorations for years. My mother would put the decorated tree and all the other things in the back bedroom so they would be ready for next year. When I came here to stay for a month we had to clear a path in the bedroom to the bed. And I had a Christmas tree there to enjoy all month. SMH. And she didn't have dementia then. She just didn't want to bother with taking down the tree.

Hey Windy "can't make any promises"...

Assandache, I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put a little in the food....

The holidays! I have had my share of great ones and bad ones.
However, I am through with the family drama which has only gotten worse over the years.
I no longer expect anything from my siblings. Siblings are just too full of their self importance.
Of course due to these brats, I have had to hear about it from my mom. Not anymore! I am officially through with the drama! From this moment on my parents are not allowed to talk about my siblings in my presence! If they do--we leave!
I have learned that life is too short to have to deal with people I just don't care for. Quality is all I am interested in. Done with the forced family stuff for the sake of tradition. No more stress over stuffing, cranberry sauce, pacing conversations for fear there will be some political blow up. Forget it all!
Christmas. A most beloved holiday for billions around the globe, and who screws it up? Family drama. This crap has to end! Well, it won't end so you have to end it yourself!
First off, I celebrate Christmas all month long. There is so much to do! So many parties, light shows, helping the homeless, visiting veterans in the hospital, volunteer, donate, adopt a family, buying gifts for children that do not have much, getting involved by helping others, play Santa, bringing treats to the animals at shelters, adopt a pet, give blood, meet with people in assisted living facilities and talk with them as they are lonely--the list is really endless. Not enough here? Just google it! By the time the 24th and 25th come around I'm beat. I usually give these days a break and start putting away decorations.
I will be taking my folks out and having some special dinners throughout the month, check out beautiful lights etc.
I refuse to give up the glory of December because of stupid family crap. So I am flushing it down and going about my business helping others.
Someday my parents will pass away and I will have great memories of years past. I am lucky I had those. Very lucky.
The traditions I am making now are far better.

Update on my post where I said I would let the caregiver have the evening off on Thanksgiving and I will take care of Dad at my house, and have the grocery store cook the meal. Ah best-laid plans of mice and men oft go astray.

Kidney stones [no not a side dish] threw a wrench into my plans, so I still had time to give notice to the Agency to have caregivers available for Dad. Dad had his regular weekday caregiver and she was happy to be getting time & a half, so she took Dad to Cracker Barrel for Thanksgiving.... Dad liked the food but he commented the place was way too noisy.

Today the Agency called asking about Christmas and New Years, and I said go ahead and schedule caregivers for those days. Heck at my age, anything can happen :P

Company just left!!

Actually we had a good time..

Good for you assandache7! My 86-year old MIL w/Alzheimer's is a package deal for the holidays with her 56-year old mooching live-in son, so no one ever wants to invite her. SIL, whose house he invited himself and his mother to last Thanksgiving, didn't want them so headed them off by calling another brother, who then called us to try and hand off. My husband was working and is 365-day a year POA and caregiver already. (Thanks for the consideration.) So brother relented, even though his wife, so loving, asked, "Can't we just bring them a plate??" I was soooo tempted to post to FB, "So sweet to see how my husband's siblings fight over their mother for Thanksgiving…" haha

I used to love the holidays too. But now I am counting the days to be done.

FF, I hope you are okay. Is it you with the kidney stones. YOUCH, oh ouch!

findingpeace, I hope know one sees me as the mooching 63-year old daughter who lives with my mother. Probably many people do. If your mother is 86 I'm glad she has someone living with her. Does he do any caregiving?

For myself, we didn't do Thanksgiving with my brother as planned. Mom was not doing so well, so I told her that we weren't going to go. It would have been too hard with the way things were. I feel very good about saying no. I just wish I had said it right off the bat and saved a lot of work and worry. I thought I would feel guilty after the fact that we didn't try, but I don't. I know it was the right decision. It would have been miserable.

Jessie Belle, his mooching is nothing new and my husband requires a certain amount of caregiving from him in exchange for his living there for free. It's been all my husband can do to keep him from constantly stealing her cash and using her car for himself. He has to make sure that she takes her meds (took months to get him regular on that even though HE takes meds every day) and make sure she eats (the groceries and cooked food that we provide), and just to clean up after himself and his cat. My husband goes by twice a week (two other sibs live closer or as close, but rarely see her), and all sibs look to him to take care of everything, including keeping live-in sibling from continuing to blatantly use her. I don't know your situation but I pretty well doubt you could possibly be mooching the way this man shamelessly has for years. We stepped in because she almost lost everything, partly because she couldn't tell her big baby "no" on anything, including the over $25,000 she put out buying him a foreign internet wife half his age. (She lasted 9 months before she left, thank heavens.) It's a frustrating situation, but she's so emotionally dependent on him that we can't make any changes until such time as she doesn't know who he is anymore, and I'm pretty sure she'll forget who everyone else is before him.

Bless you for being there to REALLY take care of your mother.