due to being told last month my mum now needs to go into a nursing home, she had a carer 3 times daily as well as my sister or myself being there daily, her falls were numerous, black eyes, broken nose,etc. we had alarms fitted, bed in the sitting room, stairs blocked off, we did all we could do.2 weeks ago we emptied her house, furniture going to the elderly who were in need,also a lot of clothes were collected by her carers who will divide them out to the needy. when I went down on Thursday to take final meter readings it was heartbreaking. seeing an empty house, remembering where my late father sat watching tv. all the memories that we had there as a family, it really got to the moment she is still in hospital as there are no placements available yet. I visited on fri and she was shouting she was going home, she kept saying she would be better of dead. her sister was with me at the time, despite speaking to her and telling her she was being cared for in the hospital, she remained aggressive. I went yesterday to visit her hoping she would be in a better mood, but she was worst. I took in the watch she wanted, she told me
(keep it). I told her I brought in a radio to listen too, she told me (stick it). the nurse heard her attitude and asked if she was in any pain? she said no and even if I was I wouldn't tell you, you are all selfish pigs, the lot of you.the nurse spoke gently to her asking are you not going to speak to youre daughter, she said no. I said to the nurse making sure my mum heard me, I don't know why I bother coming maybe I should leave and let her sleep, my mother then asked me to take her jewellery home in case it went missing, I tried making conversation but it was difficult as she remained very dry. she allways had mood swings even before dementia set in, very selfish, yet she wants for nothing. we have spoilt her for years. my late father was allways grateful for us visiting him, despite being in pain he kept his sense of humour, whereas my mother it is allways her way or the high way. I understand she is missing home, I cannot tell her she wont be going back, false hope is better than none at all, the doctor told her on many occasions, as did my sister but my mother remains oblivious to this. im away from home visiting her for 5 hrs, the time it takes to get there and back and also sitting with my mum. I feel angry and hurt for the comments she makes, today my nephew is going in to give me a break, my other sister will visit tonight, tomorrow it is myself and im dreading it.there are people there who have no visitors at all, I guess that is what makes me so angry with my mother.

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Make sure that she is seen by a geriatric psychiatrist while she's in the hospital. She must be so miserable. Not to mention you. You've done your bit, get some rest.

BTW as far as visitors are concerned, whenever I visit (2 or 3 times a week) whatever day or time there might be one or two other cars in the visitors lot, often none and there are 60 residents so, yes, so many never have a visitor.

I agree. Don't force yourself to visit. Or if you do visit stay for just a short time. Yes, your mom has dementia and that is why she acts out but you don't have dementia and you have to carry that around with you so limit your time with her.

I had a patient with dementia and when she'd talk about "home" I'd try to get her to tell me about it but all she could do was tell me about the home she grew up in, not the home she had as an adult. The home she lived in as an adult was gone from her memory.

"Home" means somewhere safe where people don't bother you, somewhere where things are normal.

I'm sorry you have to go through this with your mom but remember that it's ok and necessary to take care of yourself too. It's not a luxury, it's a must.

Starskye you've gone above and beyond. There is nothing more you can do. It sounds like your mother has been a narcissist life long and, with age, physical issues and perhaps dementia/alz, the behaviour only gets worse. My mother was exactly the same all her life.

She's been in a nursing home for almost two years and, nearing the end of her time, is recently no longer nasty, probably due to another stroke a few weeks ago knocking the stuffing out of her. Of course she still insists that the NH is killing her not age (88), 15 years of parkinsons and numerous falls and strokes.

I sold my home, quit my career and spent 4 years caring for her until it was clear she needed 24/7 care which, alone, I could not do. Last winter the stress of the years caught up with me and I was very ill, hibernating at home and only going out for essential groceries. Plagued with verbal abuse and daily screaming tantrum phone calls I changed my phone number, made it unlisted and went no/low contact. Had I not taken those steps I doubt I would be alive today.

Having been in your situation I can only say, as many others will here, that you have done the very best you can and then some. Yes, she'll probably kick, scream and hurl abuse in person or by phone until the end but your mother will get the best of care around the clock. You must now take care of your own health and sanity before it makes you will. God Bless you.

When it comes to dementia, it's my understand when someone says they want to go *home*, it means they want to go back to the house where they grew up.

And you need to keep telling yourself, *it's the dementia talking, not your Mom*, as sad as it is. If it was me, I would cut back on the visits at the hospital as she might remember you being there in the moment, but maybe an hour later not remember you were there.

And once she is in a nursing facility, don't visit for at least a week or two, your Mom will need time to adjust to her new surroundings.

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