I just don't understand how dementia patients can say such hurtful things.

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My mother says nothing but wonderful things about my brother who is hardly ever here to help with her. But she goes back to telling me I have been a difficult child since I was born and how she had to promise my father to stop smacking me or she would never stop. I am the one living with her and providing her care yet she says so many nasty things to me. I feel she is being truthful with her comments since she has always treated me like crap.

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Yep, I'll be 61 next week and my mother can still put me in timeout. Usually she says "You can just go to He%%!" and I do. Sort of. Actually, I just don't go see or talk to HER. I also put myself there, or my hubby says "Enough already!!"

My kids all think this is hilarious. I have to admit, life is much more pleasant when I do not have to keep mother on the radar. She called me today and I let it go to message. Nothing of importance, but I know she's "humbled" b/c she was so sickly sweet on the phone. T'would be nice to hear "I am sorry I inconvenienced you and wasted so much of your time" but that isn't gonna happen. That's not the dementia--all dementia has done is make her far more self obsessed and maybe a little less mean.
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Yes. Enjoy your summer time out. Thanks for answering
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Midkid, I thought you were the one who was sometimes put in time-out by your mother, and I looked up past posts and I was right.

Enjoy your summer time-out!
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I got a "break" by trying to get my mother in home aides 3 times a week. Polled the family, it was 5/5 as yes! With mother's acting like she really liked the idea. Brother "R" with whom she lives had back surgery and cannot drive or pick up anything for 6-8 weeks. I'd stepped in for a couple of weeks and just lost it. Couldn't do it anymore.

Mother's LTC policy would have paid for an aide. On Thurs. last week she said to go ahead and plan for one. I have to get said LTC from "E" the executor. Sunday at 9:45 he texted me and said Mother had changed her mind and to forget it. WHAT? She doesn't even have to courtesy to call ME and talk to ME? (This is mother, very manipulative and sneaky).
Monday morning I called her and kind of told her off--If she doesn't want aides, OK, she can figure out her life on her own! But to simply get me involved and invested and not to even call me made me furious.
She said she is "not ready" for that kind of care. She SHOULD have gone right from the hospital from her last hip replacement to an ALF, but didn't. She is way PAST needing it, said she treasured her independence. (As I worked for an in home aging co as and aide for my CAREER!! I know that she needs someone terribly!). Aides PROVIDE more independence than the person can achieve on their own.

Well, she cannot be forced. Her dementia will worsen. I also told her she better figure out how to facilitate rides to all the places she wants to go as I am now also not invested in caring for her. Said I had a very busy summer and I would talk to her in the fall, if I felt like it. Then I hung up on her. (This sounds very mean, but mother doesn't DO emotions, except when it gets her what she wants. I'm sure she doesn't care on iota that she really put me out.)

She has some financial issues that I had straightened out for her, one still wasn't done to her satisfaction and she asked "what do I do about this bill?" I told her if she was so independent, she'd figure it out on her own.

I keep trying to help her and it keeps falling apart. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of crazy.
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Midkid, please tell how you got a break . Thanks
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Midkid, good for you for taking a break!
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Midkid58, hurray for your summer break! Who is taking care of your mother this summer? (And is there any way you can extend your break indefinitely?)
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My mother has never been particularly "fond" of me, and now she is showing serious signs of dementia, she really doesn't hold back. I have to keep telling myself that it's just a more intense "mother" than the one we used to have. She has her favorites amongst us kids (I'm not one) and it's ironic that the faves are NEVER around to help.

Even knowing this, it hurts, just as much as it hurt when I was 4, 10, 16, 25...I'm now 60 and she is the one person who can get under my skin. Sadly, for me, the "beloved" sibs do not see her enough to see how she's become.

In my heart, I KNOW I do what's best for her, but she fights me on everything. I'm currently taking a summer break from her, as she has caused my depression to get so much worse.
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I think that the caregiver kinda become an extension of themselves, your the part that loses things, makes them feel bad when there sick etc. They have actually bonded very close and because they feel vanarble they blame the bad half ( you ) for all the things they did. There scared . You might notice them start bragging on other siblings that never come around very often or don't do much to help if they rember them at all they become the good part to show everyone they were a good parent, they just use it to make since of a world they no longer have the ability to understand. It hurts ,and is very stressful. sorry I have no answer to help, just try and remember others know the truth and see you as a great caring person
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Thank you all so much for your helpful comments!
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