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My mother says nothing but wonderful things about my brother who is hardly ever here to help with her. But she goes back to telling me I have been a difficult child since I was born and how she had to promise my father to stop smacking me or she would never stop. I am the one living with her and providing her care yet she says so many nasty things to me. I feel she is being truthful with her comments since she has always treated me like crap.

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Yep, I'll be 61 next week and my mother can still put me in timeout. Usually she says "You can just go to He%%!" and I do. Sort of. Actually, I just don't go see or talk to HER. I also put myself there, or my hubby says "Enough already!!"

My kids all think this is hilarious. I have to admit, life is much more pleasant when I do not have to keep mother on the radar. She called me today and I let it go to message. Nothing of importance, but I know she's "humbled" b/c she was so sickly sweet on the phone. T'would be nice to hear "I am sorry I inconvenienced you and wasted so much of your time" but that isn't gonna happen. That's not the dementia--all dementia has done is make her far more self obsessed and maybe a little less mean.
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Yes. Enjoy your summer time out. Thanks for answering
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Midkid, I thought you were the one who was sometimes put in time-out by your mother, and I looked up past posts and I was right.

Enjoy your summer time-out!
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I got a "break" by trying to get my mother in home aides 3 times a week. Polled the family, it was 5/5 as yes! With mother's acting like she really liked the idea. Brother "R" with whom she lives had back surgery and cannot drive or pick up anything for 6-8 weeks. I'd stepped in for a couple of weeks and just lost it. Couldn't do it anymore.

Mother's LTC policy would have paid for an aide. On Thurs. last week she said to go ahead and plan for one. I have to get said LTC from "E" the executor. Sunday at 9:45 he texted me and said Mother had changed her mind and to forget it. WHAT? She doesn't even have to courtesy to call ME and talk to ME? (This is mother, very manipulative and sneaky).
Monday morning I called her and kind of told her off--If she doesn't want aides, OK, she can figure out her life on her own! But to simply get me involved and invested and not to even call me made me furious.
She said she is "not ready" for that kind of care. She SHOULD have gone right from the hospital from her last hip replacement to an ALF, but didn't. She is way PAST needing it, said she treasured her independence. (As I worked for an in home aging co as and aide for my CAREER!! I know that she needs someone terribly!). Aides PROVIDE more independence than the person can achieve on their own.

Well, she cannot be forced. Her dementia will worsen. I also told her she better figure out how to facilitate rides to all the places she wants to go as I am now also not invested in caring for her. Said I had a very busy summer and I would talk to her in the fall, if I felt like it. Then I hung up on her. (This sounds very mean, but mother doesn't DO emotions, except when it gets her what she wants. I'm sure she doesn't care on iota that she really put me out.)

She has some financial issues that I had straightened out for her, one still wasn't done to her satisfaction and she asked "what do I do about this bill?" I told her if she was so independent, she'd figure it out on her own.

I keep trying to help her and it keeps falling apart. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of crazy.
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Midkid, please tell how you got a break . Thanks
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Midkid, good for you for taking a break!
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Midkid58, hurray for your summer break! Who is taking care of your mother this summer? (And is there any way you can extend your break indefinitely?)
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My mother has never been particularly "fond" of me, and now she is showing serious signs of dementia, she really doesn't hold back. I have to keep telling myself that it's just a more intense "mother" than the one we used to have. She has her favorites amongst us kids (I'm not one) and it's ironic that the faves are NEVER around to help.

Even knowing this, it hurts, just as much as it hurt when I was 4, 10, 16, 25...I'm now 60 and she is the one person who can get under my skin. Sadly, for me, the "beloved" sibs do not see her enough to see how she's become.

In my heart, I KNOW I do what's best for her, but she fights me on everything. I'm currently taking a summer break from her, as she has caused my depression to get so much worse.
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I think that the caregiver kinda become an extension of themselves, your the part that loses things, makes them feel bad when there sick etc. They have actually bonded very close and because they feel vanarble they blame the bad half ( you ) for all the things they did. There scared . You might notice them start bragging on other siblings that never come around very often or don't do much to help if they rember them at all they become the good part to show everyone they were a good parent, they just use it to make since of a world they no longer have the ability to understand. It hurts ,and is very stressful. sorry I have no answer to help, just try and remember others know the truth and see you as a great caring person
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Thank you all so much for your helpful comments!
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PetsIlove, there are some excellent comments on this thread. I'm not sure how advanced your mother's dementia is, but, I'd try to take comfort in the fact that your mom's words may be completely inappropriate and untruthful, only she doesn't know it.

I have observed false information come from my LO after she got dementia. I know it was false, because the things she said were things that I witnessed throughout my life, so, I know she was not right in her comments. I learned to take what she said with a grain of salt. Of course, I would check her out, if she was sick or injured. (You have to check out anything regarding their health or welfare, but, for most things, I knew they came from a person with a damaged brain who could not inform intent to misinform or hurt others.)

So, I'd be hesitant to take what she says at face value. I'd try to develop a thick skin and already have in your mind that her words may be hurtful, unkind and also untrue. If you are prepared, it might sting a little less. My cousin could tell me that monkeys were playing the piano in her room, but, I know it's not true. So, I take it and move on. This phase usually last for a period of time and fades. Some people have loved ones who accuse them of stealing, harming them, or even being other people. It doesn't mean it's true. My LO would claim that I left grease on her kitchen counter...not true, but, I would placate her and go wipe it up. That way it made her happy. I had to view it as part of her illness.

You say that your mom treated you poorly growing up. I'd consider if that is something you can work around. It's generally difficult to provide direct and long term care for someone in that situation. If it's too painful, I'd explore other options.
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Here is an excellent article on the above subject matter.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/bad-behavior-by-elderly-parents-138673.htm
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I've been told that my mother says the F word a lot. Granted she's always here on the couch watching Foxx News. But when I was away last weekend and her Neice and brother stayed here , her niece told me how much she swore. The hair dresser told me too. She used to swear but not that much. She doesn't swear around me , my daughter or husband. We don't swear much at all. Unless of course if the Steelers or Penguins are doing poorly ( and that's just my husband). Any way I guess that's her way of expressing herself. I think she thinks she is funny. Not sure.
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Petsilove - sounded like I wrote that. Yes. I do believe dementia brings out their real deep seeded personality and feelings that they were harboring for years. I, too, live with and am the caregiver to my 93 year old mother. I have 2 siblings that come "when they can" but they are "wonderful". I am the one who gets the brunt of the real personality and it's not pretty.
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It sounds like the main issues are centered around that fact that you are caring for your parent who is living at home. The lines get crossed really quickly in that situation and as parents regress a bit, you can easily be exposed to absorbing that same regression. One moment has to do with today and then the next hour has to do with something that occurred decades ago. You try to find rational thought in the source of issue so perhaps you can make things better but you have to address today. Keep it separated. Focus on today and tomorrow, for yourself, but respect the fact your parent is just thinking about a lot of those things than span their lifetime. You cannot solve the past, but you can make things better tomorrow with new approach. Find solace in what new approach, common ground will lessen any insults you might have to endure and realize you are just stepping up, doing the best you can. Be optimistic, but refrain from letting any demeaning comments take you off your game of just trying to be there or help. Good luck! Things can get better.
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Petsilove, you must be an animal person. Have you noticed that people who really, really love animals were often not treated so well when they were young? I've noticed that is often the case, though not always. Maybe people find in animals what they couldn't find in people. That you are there helping with your mother says that you are a good soul. I guess the best thing we can do is say it doesn't really matter as much if they like a sibling better than us. 

Caregiving can open wounds that we thought had healed long ago. What helps close the wound is realize our parent is just a person and not let their words be overly important to us. Chances are that they don't really know us at all.
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I'm so sorry Pet
As country mouse says the filters drop away - my mom loves to point out the fattest person she sees and then says look!

Through the difficult stages of her dementia we would go at it especially when I took her car keys away, but I never doubted her love for me so that must be especially hard for you
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Well. The disease certainly can remove inhibitions - things that would never have been said out loud before, because they were hurtful or *incredibly* rude, your lovely, polite, nicely-brought up parent is suddenly blurting out in public. It's a frontal lobe function, I gather, this kind of social self-regulation.

When you think about it, we all think things about all sorts of people that it would be completely unacceptable to say. Imagine if you couldn't tell the difference any more and just said whatever popped into your head?
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I have the same situation with my father. He never says a bad word about a brother who does not take care of him, and calls once a week. I have read that they take out their frustrations on the family they live with, but I do think it goes deeper than that. My dad's neurologist said that either they will  be a totally different person or that the disease will just intensify the person they were before. Sounds like that is what we are dealing with. The disease is just intensifying their feelings for us.
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