My mother says nothing but wonderful things about my brother who is hardly ever here to help with her. But she goes back to telling me I have been a difficult child since I was born and how she had to promise my father to stop smacking me or she would never stop. I am the one living with her and providing her care yet she says so many nasty things to me. I feel she is being truthful with her comments since she has always treated me like crap.
My kids all think this is hilarious. I have to admit, life is much more pleasant when I do not have to keep mother on the radar. She called me today and I let it go to message. Nothing of importance, but I know she's "humbled" b/c she was so sickly sweet on the phone. T'would be nice to hear "I am sorry I inconvenienced you and wasted so much of your time" but that isn't gonna happen. That's not the dementia--all dementia has done is make her far more self obsessed and maybe a little less mean.
Enjoy your summer time-out!
Mother's LTC policy would have paid for an aide. On Thurs. last week she said to go ahead and plan for one. I have to get said LTC from "E" the executor. Sunday at 9:45 he texted me and said Mother had changed her mind and to forget it. WHAT? She doesn't even have to courtesy to call ME and talk to ME? (This is mother, very manipulative and sneaky).
Monday morning I called her and kind of told her off--If she doesn't want aides, OK, she can figure out her life on her own! But to simply get me involved and invested and not to even call me made me furious.
She said she is "not ready" for that kind of care. She SHOULD have gone right from the hospital from her last hip replacement to an ALF, but didn't. She is way PAST needing it, said she treasured her independence. (As I worked for an in home aging co as and aide for my CAREER!! I know that she needs someone terribly!). Aides PROVIDE more independence than the person can achieve on their own.
Well, she cannot be forced. Her dementia will worsen. I also told her she better figure out how to facilitate rides to all the places she wants to go as I am now also not invested in caring for her. Said I had a very busy summer and I would talk to her in the fall, if I felt like it. Then I hung up on her. (This sounds very mean, but mother doesn't DO emotions, except when it gets her what she wants. I'm sure she doesn't care on iota that she really put me out.)
She has some financial issues that I had straightened out for her, one still wasn't done to her satisfaction and she asked "what do I do about this bill?" I told her if she was so independent, she'd figure it out on her own.
I keep trying to help her and it keeps falling apart. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is the definition of crazy.
Even knowing this, it hurts, just as much as it hurt when I was 4, 10, 16, 25...I'm now 60 and she is the one person who can get under my skin. Sadly, for me, the "beloved" sibs do not see her enough to see how she's become.
In my heart, I KNOW I do what's best for her, but she fights me on everything. I'm currently taking a summer break from her, as she has caused my depression to get so much worse.
I have observed false information come from my LO after she got dementia. I know it was false, because the things she said were things that I witnessed throughout my life, so, I know she was not right in her comments. I learned to take what she said with a grain of salt. Of course, I would check her out, if she was sick or injured. (You have to check out anything regarding their health or welfare, but, for most things, I knew they came from a person with a damaged brain who could not inform intent to misinform or hurt others.)
So, I'd be hesitant to take what she says at face value. I'd try to develop a thick skin and already have in your mind that her words may be hurtful, unkind and also untrue. If you are prepared, it might sting a little less. My cousin could tell me that monkeys were playing the piano in her room, but, I know it's not true. So, I take it and move on. This phase usually last for a period of time and fades. Some people have loved ones who accuse them of stealing, harming them, or even being other people. It doesn't mean it's true. My LO would claim that I left grease on her kitchen counter...not true, but, I would placate her and go wipe it up. That way it made her happy. I had to view it as part of her illness.
You say that your mom treated you poorly growing up. I'd consider if that is something you can work around. It's generally difficult to provide direct and long term care for someone in that situation. If it's too painful, I'd explore other options.
Caregiving can open wounds that we thought had healed long ago. What helps close the wound is realize our parent is just a person and not let their words be overly important to us. Chances are that they don't really know us at all.
As country mouse says the filters drop away - my mom loves to point out the fattest person she sees and then says look!
Through the difficult stages of her dementia we would go at it especially when I took her car keys away, but I never doubted her love for me so that must be especially hard for you
When you think about it, we all think things about all sorts of people that it would be completely unacceptable to say. Imagine if you couldn't tell the difference any more and just said whatever popped into your head?