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Maybe just looking out the window of you working in the garden is enough for her or sitting talking to you maybe she will get interested since you said she use to have beautifull gardens.
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OK mom just called me back and wants me to buy another Collard Green plant. Didn't I just get off the phone with her.........I got you Alz. let it be me who does the working. OK on the music she does like jazz, and I'll go ahead and bring the music outside.

You are right, it may not be puzzles, but there has got to be something she'd rather do than to stay in the bed and look out the window. I can hardly bear sitting in that room with her laying in the bed.

She sounds a lot like "froggy" from the little rascals now. I miss her little girl voice. Man oh man.
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Other than emergency medical situations, I try to avoid forcing any issue, primarily because I think of how I wouldn't want to be forced to do something if I were walking a mile in my parents' shoes. It's all a matter of individual preference, I believe, though. I understand that there are many caregivers who feel differently about the answer to your question, pamela. When a person is sick, she is already following medical orders and a whole lot more. I don't want to add to that already lengthy list of thou-shalt's. Pressure plus physical and emotional vulnerability has to be the most powerless feeling for someone who is chronically ill, but that's just me. We all have different perceptions and feel differently on a whole lot, and there is nothing wrong with that. Whatever works and is not harming anyone....
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I admire AlzCaregiver's spirit. She lives to serve her mother. And her mother appreciates it. How many daughters will do that?! I think her mom is blessed to have her. And you have found your niche.

We tried giving mom everything she asked for and more, but nothing we did pleased mom. She's found her life outside, and calls just-made acquaintances her "new family." Wierd. At least she's nice to them. And she gave up her husband, her dog, her home, and most of her possessions, trading them in for a tiny little oppressive apartment. Strange. Whatever makes em happy! We're so glad we don't have to try pleasing her anymore.

Dad is easy. Just showing up makes him smile. He kind of just goes with the flow. Advanced Stage Alzheimer's is like that once they get past a certain point.
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pamela. Don't give you. YOU work in the garden when you talk to your mother while sitting outdoors. Bring a CD player out there and have "theme music" going. Maybe it isn't garden, nor puzzles. Something else. I had to work to find mom's remaining veins of interest. Making a contribution to something outside of self is also important, thus our current interest in feeding squirrels out our kitchen door.
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Well I just spoke to my mom. I bought some crossword puzzles, and some garden materials, for she and I to work on when I go over.

She told me she can't work in the yard anymore. Said she doesn't feel like it. I just talked to her and we made plans to go out there and work in the garden. Now she doesn't want too.

Gardening was always therapy for her, made her so happy, and vibrant, with a sense of accomplishment, (you should see it it's beautiful). Now it's as if her spirit has just left and she has no initiative. She had just come in from sitting outside in her wheelchair in the back yard with the "help".

Come Friday I'm going but should I just insist, (which may not do any good and the "help" may report back that I am being mean) or should I just work with her on the crossword puzzles.

I guess they lose so much confidence in themselves and that's what really wears on our minds. Mom was a go-getter, now she's a no-getter and I'm still trying to get her to just get!

Does that make sense, or am I just rambling.

Alz tell us again how you got your mom involved. And is there anyone else who has insisted on their parent doing something that they just don't want to do?
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I'm not only ready, but am also scouting out a spot on the beach...
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That's right Secret Sister! you pack that sundress and sandals because we are going to figure this out and go on the boat and hope you're coming!

Where we going to be girls?
on the boat, baby.

lovbob
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SS I hope you're talking about the cruise we're planning! yeah get those things packed and ret-2-go cause we will be shoving off soon!
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My mom always did the triangle thing with anyone who would play the game, too. It was a no-win situation for all, except the one in favor at the moment. Pretty sick games. Think I'll go pack a sundress and sandals for a ride on the next sailboat to someplace warm and sunny, lest I get accused more, too. I'm enjoying not answering the phone.
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Naheaton you are so right!
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Like you said, your mother has always pitted you two sisters against each other. Don't get sucked into the twisted thing she has going. Time to get off the merry-go-round that mom has put you BOTH on...
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From now on, whenever something upsetting or stressful happens, I'm going to hear bobbie's voice...."On the boat, baby." On my way to Aruba........singing something in my head.....
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AMEN my sista'
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on the boat, baby.
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Here's a kicker that it's taken me a few days to get around so I have to tell you of it.

My mom said to me, when I was there Saturday, "don't touch nothing in here because I don't want anyone to say that you took anything". I said "WHAT", my mom said that my sister thinks since I had all the paperwork (that my mom told me to take mind you, but I bet she didn't tell my sister that).

So now I'm a thief, now I'm a frickin' thief. How low can I sink if I have to resort to stealing all my mothers "JUNK" from her delapidated house. Wow I was so blown away that I started crying. I asked my mom if she really thought I would steal from her and she said no but my sister does. Now I didn't even go into the fact that maybe that's what good old sis is doing since she's in Las Vegas at this very minute, (Saturday that is). Hmmmmmmmm ! I was hurt, and dissapointed, and really ready to get out of there at that point, however I stayed and kept her company for a while.

She called me Saturday night to see if I was coming over on Sunday. I said yes. I went.

She called @ 4 in the morning to say she felt so good she was gonna go to the restroom on her own. I discouraged that, then I noticed my sister came in the room. I also noticed they had a baby monitor when I was there so I made sure to turn it off while I was there so the help couldn't hear.

She called me Monday and asked if I could come over and watch her my sister went to run some errands. Well I couldn't because I was in the streets with my son taking him to job interviews. God knows he needs another job since he was laid off from his last one.

Now sis didn't call me to tell me she was going out of town or to ask me to come stay with mom. My mom told me and asked me to come over. That's why because she wanted to let me know what my sister was up too. But I remember people telling me not to get too comfortable because sis would be calling soon enough.

The conclusion I've come too, my mom has always played my sister and I against one another. Tell me one thing, tell sis another. She is in a bind and always has been because sis and her family are there with her, I am not. I'm not falling into that trap anymore, and I'm not going over there to look after her either. When she calls I'm gonna tell her I don't want to be tempted with all the wonderful things she has to STEAL anything so it would be better that I NOT come.

I still like the idea of tasks to do. I'm going to the bookstore tomorrow and novelty shop or game stop, somewhere to see what I can find to do with my mom. That way I won't be in her room, she won't be in that bed, and she will be working her mind and her hands. That's important.

Yeah I'm still hurt about what she said to me, but I guess at this point I should expect anything.

It is what it is! I can refuse to go there, I can stay in the solitude of my own home, I have the choice of do I or don't I and for that I am now grateful. My sis can do her errands 2morrow when the "help who doesn't steal" is there.

Where's my darn Johnny Walker Red at?
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This thread or another (same people posting about same problem), I wrote about Seligman's studies on happiness, cept he studied helplessness first. Experiment: Dogs given slight shocks in two conditions. One they could easily jump over barrier and escape, in the other no barrier, no escape. There were no longterm adverse affects on barrier dogs, but non-barrier dogs finally just gave up totally. They learned Helplessness. When the helpless dogs were then put in the barrier cage, and they COULD escape, they collapsed just like before and didn't try.
Seligman continued studies on people doing concentration tasks, but annoying sounds kept going off. One group couldn't do anything about it, and the other had a switch to turn off the noise if it got too much. He found that the subjects who had the CHOICE continued working well even when the sounds were blaring. It meant so much to them deep inside that they had a choice and were not trapped by the situation, and they seldom turned off the noise.

So Pamela is now like those with the switch. Free in her mind, liberated, but now free to choose when/if she contributes, how much, and what quality. Similarly, my friends (I used to have friends) were waiting for me to put Mom in a nursing home so she'd be cared for and I can come "home" (a thousand miles from here.) No, I'd be down at the NH probably 8 hours a day, making alliances with the staff and other residents, and standing with/by Mom in her final weeks...ok, months (ok, it can take years).

Pamela is now in a position to raise her mother's quality of life to a whole other level, with just a few hours here and there. It can be much more satisfying for Pamela to contribute in that way rather than using every inch of her spirit and resources just keeping her mother alive.

Oops, Mom is awake, gotta go.
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Thank you all for the great ideas. My husband and I went to Michaels today and picked up some of the wood puzzles that you pop the pieces out and make 3D items. I got a squirrel, 'thank you very much' and a dolphin. My idea was to ask him if he would like to put those together for the granddaughters, even though they are too young to appreciate it. He doesn't realize that so that's okay. For my stepmom I got some large beads, a small pack, and a leather string for her to string together and some small 'pictures' that you color in. These items are for younger people so they are easy to do and large to handle. I am using the granddaughters as an excuse so they don't feel that it is beneath them. Hopefully these will be well received but I don't hold out too much hope as we all know what happens when you do that.
As far as painting and glueing, they aren't allowed to have those kinds of things because of the liability if one of the other residents that wanders were to get into those. Also, I didn't want anything that could be spilled that the caretaker would have to clean up after (thus the small package of large sized beads).
So sometime this week I will make my delivery and see how it goes! Thank you everyone! Sometimes we just need a seed planted to get the ball rolling. You have to change your way of thinking, it's very challenging sometimes but good for the brain, mine that is!
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You deserve nothing but kudos for having outdone yourself in seeking to protect and care for your Mom.
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Caregiverslight Thank you so very much. I really appreciate that.
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Pamela, give your Mom a big hug from me when you next visit her. Hold onto her for as long as you wish, let her know how much you love her, stay as long as you wish to visit her, and leave the guilt behind when you walk out of your Mom's home. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You have a life to live, and are free to speak with your Mom as often as she may call. I agree with you that her circumstances are not her fault. She has been manipulated as you said. The manipulation is neither your fault, nor does it need to be on your conscience. If you can take little drives out, or walks, or treat yourself to cups of coffee and your local newspaper a couple of mornings each week, and might enjoy that time to yourself, go for it. Nothing wrong with prayer, whether you use it as a crutch, or not. All that matters is that you will be leading yourself forward, one day at a time. God has blessed you with a much-needed respite. Take a deep breath every now and then, and reap the blessings of having served your Mom to the very best of your ability. Hugs to you, Pamela, and to all who face such life challenges with grace and dignity. You stand tall.
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My Dad was a mechanic and my mom made a tool box that had safe tools and large bolts, nuts, blocks of wood with holes bored in them and things so that he could construct things or put them together and take them apart. Even to the end he loved a flashlight that had a coiled base he could wrap around things (black and decker I think). Get creative, I am sure you can find things in the garage to try.
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These were some great suggestions. Today when I went to my moms house I asked her about some puzzles. She said she wasn't interested and I explained to her that it would be great for her hand coordination, eye coordination, and mind stimulation. She said "OK then bring me some".

Think I won't, shoot I'll be over there Wednesday with one BIG one that she can do on the dining room table.

Thank you
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My father-in-law used to fidget with his hands too while he was living in an adult foster home. That's because he was used to doing stuff with his hands all the time. I got him one of those brain buster hand held puzzle things. You know, the kind that look like a pretzel or whatever that you have to figure out how to separate? I would visit him, and there he was..fiddling with that thing trying to figure it out. At one point, the young man whose house it was, separated it for him. He told my f-i-l to tell Nancy that he had done it himself. F-i-l said "She'll never believe it". We had to laugh over that!
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What helps make activities more meaningful is if their result makes a contribution to others. Giving completed projects to a great grandson (who ha ha ha writes at thankyou note...what the heck, forge one!) or the hospital's children's unit. Chores work the same way, one can still make a contribution, even if folding washclothes and dishtowels. He gets some "thank you"s into his day, perhaps a "please," and a "much appreciated" and a "good job." Perhaps there is a stool that could use refinishing and he could go at the old paint layers it with a sander, perhaps even electric? Then you could work with him on staining and varnish. Also, doing something together where he is still the expert. You'll have to find out how much he is still self-generating.

TV wise, catch the shows "Dirty Jobs" and "How it's Made." Think they are both Discover Channel shows...probably avail on DVD.
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AlzCaregiver, well you people have just planned my day. These are all great ideas and I am going to check all these things out. My husband and I were going to the Bird Store today which is right next door to Michaels and ToysRUs is up the street from there so the erector set sounds like something he just might do (but probably not)! That's okay too though. You all have a wonderful Valentines Day and thank you so much for the help. I really appreciate it....and you!
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Deefer12, yes that is a good idea too. I just got the Michaels ad in the Sunday paper. I think I will check that out today as we will be up in that area. I too don't know that he will do it. I have to word things very carefully so that he doesn't think it's something I w-a-n-t him to do but something that I need help with. It's such a fine line isn't it?
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I woke up this morning with an AHA!
There are hundreds of Lego theme sets that make transformer monsters, pirate ships, Star Wars vehicles, etc. No glue. Save the boxes for when he's done and takes them apart.
Another thing is there are 3D puzzles that make things like the Empire State Building and Notre Dame.
There are books about how it's made. The books contain cutaway diagrams of a building project, like the Titanic. That would be great for hours of poking around.
Computer wise, you can download the first levels of two games that would probably fascinate him. The did me. ONe is Crayon Physics, where you draw with the mouse a crayon looking like (a pendulum, ramps,, "weighty rocks" to get a circle ball to roll to the desination. Delightful ,simple yet challenging.

Another buildit computer game is called World of Goo. Here you extrude triangular bits of stiff goo to build Eiffel-tower like structures for the goofy goo balls to enter the suck hole. It's totally addictive, He could probably stay on the first few levels. Just building the structures is fun enough, but is sure a reward to get to the next level.

Another building project that does not involve glue ... erector sets. Make little wind up cranes, etc. Start small and see if he likes it. Other ideas might be at educational toy store or online.

for squirrels, there is an anti-squirrel bird feeder. When the squirrels get to the bottom level, the base zooms around like a manic merry go round, and the squirrel hangs on for dear life until flung like a frizzby across the yard. Great of hours of glee. Of course, we feed squirrels directly, and I even built a special bar to go over the kitchen door. It has a fold out table. I added stencils of flowers and a giant squirrel in the middle of the table. I got carried away, but glad I did. Feeding our Lil Peanuts, our Babies, is the center of Mom's life, good for at least two hours a day. Here's blog about it with photos. http://whendoesthegladstart.blogspot.com/2010/01/our-little-peanuts-feeding-squirrels.html
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I don't know how cognitive your dad is, but Michael's craft store has lots of little projects that he might like. There are wooden puzzles that come still in the original board they were cut out from. You just pop out the pieces and put them together. They have race cars, planes, animals,etc. Buy some sand paper to go with the puzzle. If he likes to work with his hands, he will most likely want to smooth out the edges before he puts the pieces together. You could also buy brushes and bottles of water base acrylic paints so that he can paint the pieces. I don't know how crafty you are, but you could ask him to sand wood cutouts and tell him he's helping you with a project. Just a thought! Good luck, I can't get Mom to do anything.
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Hmmm I hadn't thought of the digital camera before. He might get a kick out of that. That's a good idea. He loved to feed the squirrels at his home, it was one of his favorite pastimes so yes once the weather gets nicer I hope he will still enjoy that. As far as chores goes, oh if you knew the history there! LOL. Let's just say that was not his forte! I think I might look into the computer like games for his television. He was never into game playing but that doesn't mean that he wouldn't like to try it now. Those are good suggestions. If you think of anymore, let me know! Thanks so much!
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