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I would leave a note or something for your sister about what your mom has said about you coming back for 1-2 days a week. I would ask her if it is true or is mom just thinking that and then I would tell your sister she MUST start speaking directly to you and stop going through your mother. If you do decide to go back there 1-2 days a week you must tell your sister that one of the things that must change is the communication between the two of you. She must take your calls and stop putting the burden of your not communicating on your failing mother. There has to be an open dialogue between the two of you and it has to start NOW. I know by reading your posts that you have reached out to her many times and had no response but this is an opportunity to make her change. If she wants the help from you and the relief from paying so much for the "help" she has to start treating you with the respect you deserve. Hang in there Pam!!!!
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Pamela, get your mom exercizing, weight exercises, squats holding onto the kitchen counter, leg lifts while seated with small weights, walking. If she has to get out of the chair or bed, have her do it three times instead of just once. People can gain strength at ANY age. Look up exercises on the web. Get a gait belt to help steady her. If she senses she can improve herself, and actually DOES, it will make difference in her mood.

I also just bought a full spectrum light, figuring this is a non-work help in mood...for both of us. will report if it seems to make a difference. Another non-work help is the massage pads for chairs, with heat (shiatsu type probably too rough on old bodies)...and a Homedics foot massager. These can help keep the circulation going, give some pampering, and might actually help bowels move along. Old folks might not be able to take too much of it though.

I must say, I borrowed a 5-lb set of hand weights from the neighbor, and just started pumping flab whenever I saw the weights. I'd lift it ten times in various ways. I then bought an 8-# weight, and will soon get a 10#. Getting myself stronger so I can hold Mom up and help lift her has made a huge difference to ME, and I am more secure lifting her. I have also kept after mom to learn how to scootch in her chair (like we'd do to move our chairs a bit while seated in them) so she isn't dead weight.
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Pamela, we were missing you on the boat. My heart hurts for you. I know how it feels to watch a loved one decline, and it doesn't feel good. You are precious, lady! I am praying for you.

Gigglebox, you're precious with your prayers. Good suggestion for Pam to take some time to think...and ask God to lead.
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Yeah - you made it.. don't get too reeled in! You are writing which I have found is a huge help... write on paper and disconnect from all of this technology... sort your feelings, pray about it! What a mess! Your time with mom sounds pretty precious - and for that you are blessed!. Keep that chin up and stay focused on the positive and good things about all of this - THAT's what keeps you going! When PRAYERS GO UP, BLESSINGS COME down. Hang in there, fellow caregiver!
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Greetings family. Been really busy, and my minds been a bit heavy.

Went to moms on Saturday. Sister and her family were there getting ready to leave. Finally, don't know when, but they got on the road.

I layed on the floor reading for a while, and mom was doing the usual, looking out the window. The T.V. was on but no one was watching it. I turned it off then all of a sudden WELCOME BACK, CHANGE THIS POOPIE DIAPER!!!! no worries. My mom asked me if I remembered how. I told her dear mother I'm the one who taught sister how.

Finally I said "mom I miss you and I wonder if you realize that when you got sick, I got sick too". Mom said I have no idea what it's like to be bedridden, not able to do anything for yourself, and have to watch life through everyone else, pass you by. I was kind of floored by that so I got up off the floor and layed down next to her. I just held onto her because it seemed like she was crying out to me. Then I got hit with a wammy!

Mom says that sis wants me to come back and take care of mom 1-2 days a week so that the "help" bill won't be so much. Now sis is realizing it is a lot more than she thought it was and they want my help again. So the question becomes should I bail them out, or not. And that's why I've not been on line.....I been thinking on everything.

The time with mom was great though and I have realized that my moms illness actually took a lot more out of me that I'd ever admitted. It's as though when she got sick, I got sick because of our closeness. Mom admitted that she can no longer focus anymore, yet she could tell me all about my wedding reception, or the births of both my boyz. It's amazing the way the mind works. She is still asking the same questions over and over again not retaining anything and I get so disgusted.

She is still looking for this imaginary black jogging suit though, oh gosh I think I'm gonna buy her one and say I found it at my house. What's the harm.

The "help" arrived early, @ 11:00 p.m. and was shocked that mom was still awake. She asked why she hadn't gone to sleep yet and my mom said "because I'm excited that Pam is here". I fooled her though because I didn't leave until 1:15 a.m. and mom was still awake.

Mom kept telling me she wanted pancakes for breakfast and I kept telling her that I wasn't staying the night, ever again actually, but she never really got it until I was leaving for the night.

Being reeled in again.........nah.........this time my sister is gonna have to pay me to stay there. I'll help them out, but if they want my help, they will have to pay for it. And I will draw up my own contract and all three of us will have to sign it.

Yes I've kept track of everything that has happened Ed, or atleast I've tried. I bought a file cabinet (2 drawyers) specifically for that just in case I have to give an account because I feel I will.

I still don't trust whats going on over there, but atleast if I start going back, I'll know and that's really what it will be all about. Knowing how mom is doing.

Seems so strange when I'm away for a while to see her laying there. Everytime she seems to get smaller and smaller, weaker, and weaker, struggling so hard to hold on and that's what is so hard. When you're so used to your parent being like large Marge and in charge, then revert back to something else whewwwwwwwwww well you already know how that feels.

I was shaken up on Friday because mom kept calling. I was mad because sister wouldn't. When I went over there sister was in the room and never opened her mouth to me, and I didn't open my mouth to her.

Mom did say that she told sister and brother in law NOT to put her in a home and made them promise. When she asked me about it I told her that I've given my sonz permission to put me in a home because it is not their responsibility to take care of me. Their lives need to continue without the burden of me. Mom said I was cold blooded and that was not the way she raised me. I said yes and this is MY wishes for my children, which has nothing to do with her care.

I think I've taken up enough time and there is still much to figure out but I wanted to check in and thank all of you for your prayers and concerns. You all keep me going.
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Pam, where are you?
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PAM:

I'm sorry love, but I've neglected checking my wall messages lately.

Were you born for slavery? Since your sister is so bent in being the puppeteer, dump everything in her cart along with DPOA. She's already living with your mom and apparently there's a care team available, so it's not like the old woman will be stranded. ... I hope.

This will take courage, but I'd ask your sister what her motivation is. If it's financial control only while leaving the care to everyone else, you're still going to be stuck. If it turns out she believes she can do a better job than you, then don't hesitate to accommodate her wishes. I don't doubt for a minute she'll put up a fight, so get ready for the fallout.

If you don't put it down in black and white it never happened, so keep everything in writing; including your sister's reasons for wanting to be DPOA. Whether she becomes DPOA or not, and no matter what happens, you'll know in your heart that you did the best you could. You can't continue to neglect your own family, put your health at risk, and enjoy life.

Now, let's review that priority list of yours. ...
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pamela...how goes it today Saturday 2.27.2010
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Pamela, heart and prayers with you. God bless ya! Angels watching over your mama. Hope your night is good. Pirate Gal, and Alz, she'll be thinking of your support all night! Bless you, too!
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I'm working tonight, it's 2morrow that I will be going over and yes I'll take some of that rum, gin, burbon, scotch, whatever you have.

ave a good night folks.

Gotcha Alz, I'll have to catch it later. I sure hope it's something that will make me laugh.
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passing some rum to pamela....and quick! Go over calmly and take care of the boxing match, and on the way back home this eve...stop for a COCKTAIL on us!
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Pamela, the video is hot linked to my main page, but you have to copy in the entire link...This is an old video with a squirrel puppet. It can also be found on my list of videos way near the bottom, as it was early video creation.
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OK I am just shaking all over. This is just why I try to stay clear, TOO MUCH MESS, TOO MUCH DRAMA, TOO MUCH BS! That's why my legs just about give out everytime I step to her front door.

I had my son to call, sis wouldn't even answer the phone, (did I really think she would) well he left a msg. Simultaneously mom was calling and I told her what time I'd be there too.

Come on really let's be real, would you go out of town after just getting out of the hospital.

I'm num, and all this while I'm getting ready to go to work.
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And how about some boxing lessons from Ali? LOL ! Seriously, keep that chin up... and upper cut it!
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Pam, you need a hug n prayers! Prayers sent up!
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okay pam...roll up them shirt sleeves get them fists ready...and kapow...what's sweet lil sis up to? Your poor mom is surely bewildered...I am glad the caregivers are there to watch over her! What mayhem....and just to keep you dangling on the sidelines is just pure ridiculous...geeezus....
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Can you believe my mom just called and asked me to call my sister and ask her how she's feeling?????????????

She said that my sister called the "help" last night and had her to go BACK over to my moms house. Can you believe that???????? and now my mom wants me to call my SISTER and ask her what day she needs me to come stay with my mom while she goes out of town???????????//

Out of town, out of town, if you're just going in and out of the hospital, should you be going out of town. I don't think so.

This is all getting to be a bush of bs and I'm gonna have to put my rpide aside and not sacrifice my mother's well being. Excuse me while suck up................
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my mom never said pirate. I guess the "help" probably stayed, although there are teenagers there that could have stayed but they're too cute to work.
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...so is sis back at to the house the stroke of 7pm?
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Viewed it, remember I told you I loved that flower song.
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OMG Bobbie...the gagging comment had me in hysterics! Too funny. My husband's grandmother ruined his cousin's couch that way. My oh my.
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Why not see if there is a mediation counselor. The thing that is unique about your situation is that there are two of you WILLING to be involved and WANTING to know what is going on. You can let her know clearly that you are able to help somewhat, and what you'd prefer to do.
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I don't think it's asking to much for little sister to pick up a phone and let me know what's going on with mom. If she is going out of town she should call and let me know. If she needs help she should call me and ASK for it.

I called and called and called before she was in charge. She wouldn't answer. Atleast I did that to ask for help. Now maybe she feels that since she has the "help" she doesn't need my help!

She has called and said NOTHING! NOT ONE THING! I'm done sucking up, I'm cucked out. (no pun intended).
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My mom has someone with her, a care-giver who is there from 7 in the morning till 7 in the evening Mon-Fri.

Alz you are right.
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What your sis is in the hosp. and mom is home alone....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! (pic. after shave scene from Home Alone)
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And your mother is such a reliable source. Let's put it out on the AP newswire. ;-)
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Alz sis is back home, did not stay, came home very late. She still has not called. All this came from mom.
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Pamela...you're picking up the ball, of course! All kidding aside, you should find out what's going on. Perhaps the young man is leaving his dog to be caregiver again.
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OMG guess who went back to the hospital last night, for you guessed it, sister sister, side affects from gastric bypass surgery again! Of course this came from my mom who may have gotten it wrong however....

I sure would like to know how you plan on taking care of someone from either out of town or from the hospital.
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Thank you MsChrys, you've said a mouthful.
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