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Or you can do it all if you have to... don't get me started on that! Just glad that I am here and able to.
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Do true Gigglebox, so true. Cooperativeness can come in many forms. It can also be you perofrming as the back up.
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It makes it easier if one is responsible for it all...! Unless you have cooperativeness among siblings.
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Takingtheplunge I was so involved in writing my response I neeglected to read your post as I just have.

I say bravo to you. You are putting your foot down early on. I have come to believe whoever has monetary control should be the primary. If dear brother is all mighty and keeping the books, then dear brother should be made to understand that you will not pick up the slack, or pick up mom.

Do your thing girl. I'm proud of your stance.
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Pray and press on , all! It's a hard job but obviously some of us have to do it... some of us bear more burdens and weights than the rest of us. Let's pray for one another and encourage one another.

Have a great day!!
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Pam, I can so dig it ! I am so proud of you and so happy for you.. life is a journey... and caregiving is a special chapter for you.. NO, you are not running and hiding and neither are those of us who are not TRUE caregivers who have their loved ones in homes. YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU and that's between you and God, the way I see it...

I had a man criticize me yesterday at the post office .. "Your dad should be home in a scooter!" Does he not realize that man (my dad) is immobile, craps his pants, and is overbearing...? He's being taken care of and that's what it takes... and we are using up all of his money (my brother's inheritance) til it's gone and Medicaid kicks in. My dad worked for it - it's his money.. so be it!
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Takintheplunge, YEAH YOU! You are only responsible for your actions and reactions (I am sure that's in the Bible somewhere!) Seriously, stand your ground and juggle this crazy balancing act! You can do it!

We get by with a little help from our fellow caregiving friends and a lot of help from God. Prayers up - blessings down!
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Pamela, your mom is blessed to have you.
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Taking the plunge-good for you telling your brother it is what it is-her money should be for her care and you should not take her to live with you.
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Deefer12 and anyone else who thinks I'm lucky to have only been involved for 4 months.....excuse me but since this is my mother I am in it to win it and that means for life.

Sure I'm not there night and day, sure I'm not making the decisions (although my mom is slowly appointing me more and more legalities to take care of, which I politely decline), sure I have lost communication with my sister (never had one in the first place), sure sure sure.

Perhaps you don't realize that since my mom is a shell now I will never be totally detached, only attached to a shell of what my mom use to be. Personally I'll settle for that if that's the hand I've been dealt.

Let me go a step further here and say that my sister is taking really good care of my mom, heck I have to call it the way I see it, and quiet as it's kept maybe my mom honestly and sincerely really believed that to be true. I cannot complain about one thing that she is doing for mom, and that takes a lot of courage to admit. Mom is not hurting for anything and the house is peaceful.

God don't close a door without opening a window. I have a 21 yr old who was just going crazy. By my sister taking control of my mom, this enabled me to handle my 21 yr-old. I can gladly say that now HE IS BACK ON TRACK. My X husband is even surprised at what son and I accomplished with love and understanding. There is no doubt that there is a God protecting and guiding us.

To run and don't look back would be a cowards way out, and I've never been known to be a coward. I've spent the last 4 days with my mom, not the nights days only. We've been gardening. When she starts to talk about things going on I just let her talk, I'm listening though but for the most part I know she is not being neglected and I know I will be there as well. Nobody can keep me from moms, nobody.

I started this thread by saying I think I'm done with my mom and sister but I've grown quite a bit since then. I'm not through until the man upstairs tells me that I'm through.

Can ya dig it?

Love to all of you.
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deefer, I am also praying for you. Bless you for all you are doing, but I hope you find some answered prayer in relief, too.
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takintheplunge, what an excellent post! Love your thinking, my dear. Our responsibility, as Christians, and loving daughters, is to see that their best interests are met. The basics are food, shelter, and clothing. But we go far beyond that. We give them love and compassion, too. Bless you, Sister. You have done well. We are not responsible for the thinking of another, either. So I pray for you and your mom, and others in all they do. So glad you are posting here!
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You are so lucky to have been able to get your life back after only 4 months! I took a leave 2 years ago and had to quit my job to care for Mom. I get 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night, and have to pay someone to watch Mom if my husband and I want to get out for a few hours on the weekend. Haven't seen or talked to many of my friends in months, and just getting to the grocery store is a treat. By the way, I have 6 siblings who have such busy lives, that they can't even stop by to see Mom on the weekends. Two of them don't offer to help at all, and don't visit for months at a time. My younger sister just left for a week in Florida (we live in MA.). My husband and I have been away 1 night in the last 2 years. So I say yes, count your blessings for only having 4 months of your life lost. Run and don't look back!
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Gigglebox,
First off...what is that Beth Moore book, she is one of my fav authors!
Secondly...I had a conversation with brother this AM. Yes, we actually get along very well but as you say money can change everything. This is the thing: since her money is being put in his charge...I made it very clear that her living with me was NOT an option (especially after reading many of these posts, which I told him about) and that I WILL BE expecting him to use that money to fund HER needs, which will very likely include assisted living, in the next year or so. He is telling me how expensive it is, but I am holding to my word on this one and let him know that unless he were taking her into his own home, disrupting his life and marriage, then WE have no option but to use her own funds to support her. I do not see this as unbiblical....or anything to feel guilty over. She is cared for, she is not left wanting. Is this the situation she WANTS? No, she wants to be catered to and treated with elevated importance at the 'Matriarch' of the family. But, the reality is that she never functioned as a Mom except when we were babies and very young, after that it was all about her. Our lives were hell. None of the 5 kids stayed home beyond 16-18. From my experience alone, she has been emotionally absent and dependent on me for her social life, medical care, familial context. I have been a good daughter, but can I say I did everything that I would have had I felt a true love or respect for her, no. This is why it is not possible for me to have her with me until one of us leaves Planet Earth. She has informed me, just a few days ago...armed with a Bible verse, that I am responsible for her Happiness. When I told her it was NOT my responsibility to make anyone happy, nor did I have the capacity to do so (that would make ME God), she was angry with me. For adult children of difficult people, we have a special balancing act to perform...reading these posts gives me comfort that I am not Evil, Selfish or in anyway Negligent. Thank you all for that support, so glad I found this site!
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You are there - enough said! I am here - enough said. I take it he has POA as he is in charge of finances... that could be hard since you are there and he's not! Do you two get along? Money changes everything - trust me, I know.

You have to pray and press on. Don't feel guilt over your decisions and talk with your mom if she has her wits about her. I worried over the probabilities and ended up with my dad in a nursing home... things worked out despite all my thinking scenarios. Living with me was NOT an option.

Just think on it.. talk about it with mom and bro and don't worry too much... easier said than done. It has a way of working out and this is a wonderful site filled with wonderful caregivers who will help you on this journey!!!!
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I do not want ti sound hard but the brother who has the purse strings need to give some money for her care it should not be all on you most people do not understand us older people who have been able to save money away it is for our care as we get older not for inheritances-the money needs to be spent now for her care and when she becomes more dependent she needs to be where she gets total care and that does not mean the daughter home-I am sure you have read many of these post where Mom moves in with the daughter and how often it does not work. The brother who is doing his part needs to talk to a elder lawyer and make real plans for her care and you need to say no way is she going to be my responibility to dear brother say what are you planning for her care redirect his role do not let it become your problem or duty I had to make that decision last year about my husband I was not going to become his slave or remain so when he could not even be civil to me he was going to be placed 47 years was all I intended to give to him even though living on what medicaide would allow me would have me collecting cans from the side of the road-I could not take care of him any longer.
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Wow. I am so glad I found this site before I become the TOTAL caregiver. My mom is still able to live alone and I try desperately not to take on anything that she can and should still be doing. I do not baby her, although she wants to be babied. While some of the posts talk about elderly folk wanting to be the ones taking care of their lives, my mom is waiting for that special moment when Someone will do everything for her, and I mean everything. My problem is similar to this post, I have only one sibling that is interacting with Mom, and two that have abdicated years ago. He is out of state, while I am 15 min from her. He is recently in charge of all her finances. Not a problem...he put most of her expenses on auto debit and has her using one credit card for all purchases, because she was becoming 'overwhelmed'. This one act of his has now put the complete care of her on my shoulders, because he is doing 'his part'. As her health deteriorates with advanced age, I will be the ONLY one nearby to care for her, or eventually bring her to live with me. I am already angry over the probablities and could use a little advise as how to redirect this destiny???
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Pray and press on, Ben There... I am reading a book about you right now... seriously a Beth Moore story about those who have been there and been Had.. don't know your story... but I like what you said. True caregivers aren't here for our glory while we tell our story.. it's for GOD's glory.. We do what we have to the best way we know how.. with a little help from our friends and fellow caregivers and a lotta help from God!

Sometimes we have to sit and be still to hear his voice... which is hard, I know... but the peace!!!
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no good deed goes un punished!! sounds like sis wants to be a glory grabber!! wait till mom gets worse!!! she'll be in a
nursing home so fast she won't know what happened! The GOD thing is the best plan yet!! turn to him for the anwsers! just be wise enough to listen!
BEN There
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Support groups would be nice.. hmmm!? POA I have, thank goodness... thanks for info, SS! Drowning in paperwork now!
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PAM:

Way to go girl! ... Nothing like a caring, assertive, responsible woman who takes what she wants to get what she needs without trampling on anyone to get it.

Have you ladies seen Bette Davis' movie "Now Voyager"? Hurry up!

-- ED
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Pam, I am still praying for you.. prayer is the only thing that keeps me going.. You have to pray n press on.. and sometimes God seems slow with answers, but they do come.. part of that patience contract - lol! Seriously, you gotta laugh to keep from crying!

Alz, you have some wonderful suggestions! How long have you been at this caregiving thing?!

You guys have got me thinking.. I write things down b/c I fear that my actions will be questioned when it comes down to the money in the end.. if you know what I mean! GRRR!

Mine is "I think I'm done with my father and brother" - consider this - that's MEN I am dealing with.. just teasing, guy caregivers!
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As far as I know, there's no way to prepare for dementia, except make sure you are prepared financially, medically (POA), and emotionally. You're already on this site. Does he have an exact diagnosis yet? I read every thing I could that related to corresponding diagnoses in my folks, and also attended support groups. That helps a lot. The more info we have to ground us, the better, it seems. Once you have the basics covered, just take one day at a time.
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I am just beginning to see the dementia in my dad.. is there anything that I can do to help him or me through this... ? You guys are preparing me for what's ahead and for that I am grateful. A lifetime movie is always a good cry, PirateGirl or Hallmark.. Heck, 7th Heaven makes me bawl like a baby here lately... sometimes you just need to cry it all out! I am needing to go through tax stuff - ugh ! Thanks for the reminder!
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Pamela, I can relate to your tears. Hard watching them decline, and dealing the the grief; both anticipatory, and present. Kinda sad, stuff, really. But, then again, just part of life. Dealing with it makes us stronger, I think. At least we grow in compassion, grace, and empathy. Don't we?

PirateGal, empanada dough sounds so...delish. Comfort food? Sad for mama, though. Must be so hard on them losing abilities, and being so out of control, both physically and emotionally. Mental illness, dement, and Alzheimer's are the worst!
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Pamela, Sounds like your on the right track to helping yourself! Do keep an eye on Mom. You have her best interests at heart, not your sister. Good luck!
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Pirate I can totally understand it, the helplessness we feel, the way we have to keep repeating what we're saying and the feeling of "why can't she understand what I'm saying" part of it. And then when we really sit down and think about what's happening we cry. I cried last night too. I was at my friends house watching a movie and just started crying, really boo hoo'd because it is so hard when they are just "melting away".

Good luck with all those tax issues, you can handle it, if anyone can I know it's you. Plus like you said you'll be able to watch what u want, noone clicking that remote but you. Hell you can even watch lifetime if you want, for as long as you want.

Do what ya have to do my friend.

Thank you everyone for your comments. Much love to you all.
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Pamela I know you have had it, but it might not be a bad idea with the helping a couple of days a week and then you can really see what is going on over there...and from what it sounds like you have been getting some quality time with your mom. I totally broke down this morning cause yesterday my mom sat in the patio and kept saying "I'm going to die, I'M going to die". She kept complaining about numbness and headache and a wierd feeling that kept coming over her shoulder and to her chest, but I kept asking are you in pain, and never got the real confirmation. Later in the evening after I came back from grocery shopping she seemed fine again...she was curious watching me make some empanada dough...I kept saying I am making pie crust and she kept saying fish...I said no pie crust...pastry crust. I guess she said fish cause the last thing I cooked over there was fish and I made a big mess with the oil boiling over. I decided not to try out new recipes while there. The empanada dough was for my house later that eve. But this morining I kept feeling really bad and started crying and then I kept calling until she answered and then it took me awhile to get going to get my buns to work. Today I am going over after work to try to marry up Caregiver Invoices with Bank statements so maybe we can get some kind of tax relief...tax man says we can...crossing fingers. Then tommorrow after work going back over for the actual tax appt. So will see mommy 2 nights in a row, which is not so bad need a break from b/f - no earplugs/snoring and can watch what I want on tv...lol
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@what Alzcare said, pamela.. i can look mean when i want to!! ill go there with ya..

im glad you sat and thought about your decision. i know it wasnt easy. but youre absolutely right about charging and coming up with a contract. this way sis cant over step any boundaries and blame you!
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Pamela, bring a friendly gorilla with you when you speak to your sister. Sometimes people are not so willing to be a jackass if there is a third party there to witness their behavior.
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