I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Dear Ann, sounds like it's time to find someone to help him, and you. It's important, so please don't delay. Both of you have needs, and you've got to care for yourself. Wishing won't help, but if you make some phone calls, to your local Commission or Area of Aging office, Physician, etc., they can refer you to someone who can assist you with his and your needs. No reason to do this alone, with a variety of resources out there to help. Let us know how you're doing, and please take care of you!

Dear Ann:

Life is too short to keep company with someone who is "rude and hateful." You are being used by this person. I would dump him like a hot potato.

Dar

I have been taking care of what use to be a friend that is 86, I am 60, he is very ill, lonely and very rude and hateful. I do his cooking, cleaining, driving, grocery buying, nursing etc. Never do I get a thank you. I am tired. I have no life, I was waiting for my disablity. If I do not quit I will not be around much lounger. I am lonely and depressed. I do a very good job though. Wish I could have a few days off........Ann

I am back from my vacation and tired. Going to bed. Just wanted you to know that we had small tornadoes in NJ while I was gone. In South Jersey we had sun shine so it wasn't so bad. Of course, mom's nose is all out of shape because I am tired and don't want to talk to her tonigh. Going to bed. Missed you guys. Austin, keep up the good work and take that time for yourself.
Night.
Linda

From Loisw: "Find a way to present your boundaries in as respectful and loving a way as possible. Then, work together to find a more workable solution. Once the option of living with you is out of the question, mom or dad will have to look at the other alternatives. if it is an option, I also suggest seeking the advice of a family counselor or mediator for some objective input."
Very well put!

scpirate
I'm so glad you had the courage to change this situation. You are now a better daughter as you can care for your mother without the resentment of unsustainable living conditions. Good for you!
Carol

LoisW... You certainly have all this in the proper prospective. I have lived 7 hours away from my mother for 17 years, and since my father's death 12 years ago the guilt of not being there for her has increased as she aged and got more and more frail. I thought that by moving her into my home I would alleivate the guilt- but that did not happen. after 1 1/2 years of resentment and bad vibes between us, I decided to move her back into her house with some assistance. She has been back in her home for 6 weeks and i have to say that I am more at peace with the situation than I have been for several years. I want to be a "good" daughter and be there for her (I am an only child now) but that doesn't necessarily mean that I have to sacrifice my own marriage and happiness to accomodate her. It has taken me years to figure this out!!! I am spending alot of time and energy to manage her life and financial responibilities from 3 states away but believe me, it is worth the effort to have my life back again. and I honestly believe that she is happier with the situation too.

LoisW, very well said! Thank you!

So much personal conflict goes into the decision to tell mom, or dad that you don't want them living in your home any longer. As both an eldercare professional and the daughter of an elderly mother, who, by the way does not live with me, I have seen and heard much. My best advice it to respect your own personal boundaries. You will not experience the experience the fulfillment and satisfacton of careging if the giving is tainted by the poison of resent. Find a way to present your boundaries in as respectful and loving a way as possible. Then, work together to find a more workable solution. Once the option of living with you is out of the question, mom or dad will have to look at the other alternatives. if it is an option, I also suggest seeking the advice of a family counselor or mediator for some objective input.

Well thank you Austin, I was always teased for being skinny still have those bird legs my mother always points that out all these years later " you have legs like your father" she has ham hocks, LOL anyway I look at my legs pull my pants legs up or my skirt yes I do wear skirts skinny legs and all and say yep they sure are little but their pretty! sometimes I crack myself up hey they get me where I want to go thats all thats necessary. Well in HS I was always 98 lbs and was this until about 10 years ago now I am sixty guess I'm finally going to get the body I always wanted but now what do you do with it LOL. Thanks for your surpport Austin you are a wowzer yourself kiddo. love you and have fun and the bottle of wine and a long talk sounds like just what the doctor ordered. You go to girl. I am so glad I have made a difference I guess I'm like a cat want to leave my marks everywhere LOL and I sure do my best to do so. people will NEVER FORGET ME Oh new one. my mother says to me last night I think I'd like to have a one bedroom apt. Didn't we go thru that last month or so? I just flat out told her I wasn't moving her and she got mad but hey I'm 60 years old with arthritis really bad getting worse and there are much better things I would like to do with my time and energy than move her one more time knowing full well she would only be moved right back. She will never be satisfied and I told her that to. so she huffed and puffed and went to her room. She said you told me you want me to be happy I said I do but you're gonna have to do it here. I try as muchas I can to make her happy without being a door mat there is only so much I can do happiness must come from within. so there you have it chapter 10. I am sure we will visit this again in a couple months. LOL Keep my chin up and a song in my heart and a smile on my face. rightyo mates.

Neon- I am so proud of you not smoking as a nurse you go girl and you need some weight on those bones - I am on a diet at my last high school reunion 5 yrs ago I was called fat of course 50 yrs ago I weighted 92 lbs so want to be slim at the one in Aug have decided to stay there at the hotel overnight so my friend from HS and I can talk all night with a bottle of wine this is the only treat I am giving myself until I get our debts paid off- I earned it over the years being the good wife or as I told a nurse years ago when she asked who I was -I said the long suffering wife in a couple of weeks I will get back with you guys I miss you all esp. you Neon you really touched my heart.

Yes, I know and I have been working really hard with the no guilt trips and doing well I must say also this is day 49 of no smoking and doing well with that to have gained 14 lbs in 49 days not bad I was a boney thing to begin with LOL I do buy her things from time to time to have some semblance of love at least from my point and she seems to be acting somewhat better. This week end however I asked her why she didn't dust anymore, that is the only thing I ask her to do its easy and I hate to do it. Reminded her gently that I was not the only person who lived there and she had all day to do that she does wash her own laundry and she gets the mail thats about it. So she said she would dust from now on I told her I was not sending her a personal invitation each week to dust. so we will see this will I hope tell me she either is getting forgetful or maybe just don't want to do it thats the trouble with people who cry wolf all the time its very confusing. thanks for the encouragement mitzi and secret sister.

Neon, as you know the history of my mother from these boards, she tried last week to use the guilt about not being around or "in case she had an emergency" and I wouldn't buy it. Sometimes you have to take a risk if your health is at risk. Have you found someone you can trust your mother with at periods of time?

I know that my mother says no one else can do anything, but its amazing when I'm impossible to get ahold of, how she manages just fine.

Don't get guilted. She can be happy in her misery with someone else too. :)

I wonder about leaving, but know that Mom is doing some things for herself. I figure if she's not a total invalid, I can entrust her to her self, or call 911 if I'm away. That gives us both some independence and some freedom.

We all have to do that I want to go see my great niece but with mother here I am afraid to leave her I sometimes say no to things I would like to do to stay home although all mom does is stay in her room gain weight lay in bed and complain about being weak. the list goes on its been over a year and she isn't going to do anything to help herself so as long as she is warm fed and comfy that's all I can do she is hard headed and manipulative although I do not fall for it most of the time, in every day stuff. But to take off for a few days I am afraid to but want to so much and should while I can if I keep waiting my life will be all used up

Hi scpirate.

It sounds like you are making sure that your Mom is getting cared for. When we went to see a family therapist about my Mom who lives with us, I told her that I felt like I wasn't doing enough. My mother reinforces that by actions and things she says. The therapist said that I was taking great care of my Mom but not the way my mother would like.My mother lives with us and it has been a difficult past few months. It's hard to tell if her controlling behavior is a result of disease, personality, meds or all of it. Whatever it is I am working on getting some of my life back too!

Good luck!!

Dear scpirate,
I put my mother in an assisted living facility about three weeks ago. It was a very difficult decision,since my mother had been living with us for over three years. We sought counseling prior to our decision and then had a talk with my mother and explained that she could no longer live with us. It was a difficult discussion for all. My mother was very angry!! She is in a lovely facility and seems to be adjusting well. We can now have a discussion as mother and daughter again. She laughs and smiles. I was expecting the worst, but all turned out well. My husband and I have our life back, and mother is being well cared for. We all need to do what is best for all at the time. Good luck to you and keep in touch.

Good for you! You are getting some control back in your own life as well as caring for your mother. Is there an assisted living near you? She has the money, so that shouldn't be an issue. She'll fight that, too. But some of what she is doing is controlling you.

It's good that you are recognizing this and standing up to it.
Carol

My mother has lived with my husband and me for the last 1 1/2 year. We knew that it would be an adjustment for all of us but after all this time, nothing has improved. She is still unhappy and "ready to die" as she tells us daily. Our home life has deteriorated to the point that we had to make some tough decisions. My mother has the money to care for herself she just doesn't want to spend the money, I told her if I was willing to give up my inheritance, she shouldn't mind spending the money. we just relocated her back to her home 8 hours away. I have arranged for council on aging to pick her up 5 days a week and at home care 2 days. Is this the ideal solution? absolutely not, but I feel like I am gaining control of my life again. I pray for her safety and that she will agree to go into assisted living in the near future. this is not easy but at least I feel like I have a choice in the matter.

I am glad to see a B1969 too - its refreshing to read a post from someone who obviously cares, but can articulate what he wants to say in a clear and consise way. I hope you continue to add your opinions on this board to keep it from turning into a girls club.

I suggest you find the nicest nursing home you can and explain to your mom you cannot help anymore but you will visit. I know easier said than done. My mom breaks bones left and right and has one leg and thinks she can care for herself. Moms can be nasty when you want to help them. All I can say is hang in there, I will pray for you.

Welcome Law, Nice to hear some stories from men. We don't hear that very much. You are a good son for all you do for your parents I'm sorry about the loss of your brother. This is a great site to vent or ask questions about anything we pretty much have done it all!!!Keep writing it helps a lot.

Dear '62, thanks for reminding us to count our blessings. While i grew up in a very dysfunctional home, it wasn't all gloom and doom and sometimes i forget that.

Welcome,
We welcome the men to this sight. It gives us hope and another perspective. You are very fortunate to have siblings who help and care for your parents. Most of us have experienced the opposite. Keep writing as this site has been a blessing to all of us.
Linda

I now find myself being the primary caregiver to my parents, Dad is 79 and Mum is 80. We suffered a sudden loss of a brother at 52 - so it is particularly hard for both of them - though he has a family of grown children - it still aches to recollect the events of that fateful day.

I am probably one of few male contributors to this forum (though I note that many have their partners/wives to pen their thoughts as both are collectively looking after their aged parents/parents in law etc.

I have 3 other brothers (one of them stay with us with his wife and kid) and a sister who lives with her own family but contribute to looking after her mother in law who is 83 and had recently suffered a fall and has multiple illnesses too.

While I am single, I can truly empathize the many stories of the sandwiched generation. While in Asia, there is much emphasis on filial duties etc, we are also seeing many instances of family issues regarding care of their elderly parents.

One thing I did recently when my parents were in a strange way, taking turns to be in hospital, I took to writing down my thoughts and recollections of being brought up by them. I know there are many who have had very bad childhood and growing up years with their elderly - I also had my fair share too but overall, I am grateful for many things too - :

(a) they both, only until recently have had good health - and gave us many decades of independence and freedom to pursue our dreams and careers.
(b) they taught us well - especially of how to look out for each other as siblings (we are quite close knit - and in recent years have been in much more communication about our aging parents)
(c) they both love each other much and also traveled to many places in their younger days
(d) they showed us that even with the most serious arguments or fights, they also make up - they kept the family together in its ups and downs.

I tell my sister that I am grateful for the opportunities to do things for them now - having left my corporate job for a lower paying teaching one - after more than 22 years. I cook for them once a week - and I drive them around whenever they need to for doctors' appointments or our Buddhist meetings or gatherings.

I also dread the eventual end - I pray every day that they will be free of unnecessary pain from any illnesses or falls or accidents at home. They had resisted the suggestion of a domestic helper until recently - as I explained that I would not be always available. If and when I do have activities to attend, such as dinners or dates or the gym, I will inform my siblings so that some kind of arrangements can be made to ensure that someone is at home, until our domestic help comes in.

Just some thoughts to share - we are different yet we are the same - in dealing with the cycle of life. Take care !

Yes, I keep reminding my mom that I am not as young as I used to be. She has a hard time with that one. So do I!!! I have learned to take as much time as I need for myself and I have set boundaries from day one! Caregiverslight is right, it doesn't get any easier!

Hi, lspoon. Being on your feet all day as a hairstylist is a phsyically demanding profession, as is being a caregiver to a 96-year old who is starting to become physically weaker. That must be very hard on you.

Is assisted living an option for your Mom, or, in-home home health care, maybe?

May be good to start looking into those options now while you still have some time. In the interim, it helps to take lots of breaks and slow down. In what ways is your Mom "stronger" when you are not looking?

Sometimes gently saying, "I can only do one thing at a time, and I am a little bit slower," works magic for you as the caregiver, and is something your loved one needs to hear as well. I am never ashamed to admit to feeling that way when I am unable to keep pace as well as I would like to do as a full-time caregiver.

It doesn't get any easier, that's for sure. God bless you in your tireless support of your Mom. Share your feelings anytime. This is a great place to share and to realize that you are not alone in your feelings.

Thanks lovingdaughter.... that's why I always share with people why boundaries are important and do not feel guilty about saying no to people. Too bad they don't understand. I am not responsible for someone not being able to grasp the concept of no or the explanation (if I explain it).

Chin up and God bless!

Wow, Mitzi and Secret Sister, I hope you both can get some down time or a vacation soon. You are both in my prayers. Stay strong

Thanks to all for caring ! I have always been honest with my mother concerning her care and with my siblings that I was not a caregiver and would help support her finincal. but when they started leaving her at their homes for days some times weeks by her self, I stepped in. I first found a 5 star assisted living because at the time I was to college and working a fulltime job. My husband and I helped with the cost of the fee. When fee increase I siblings to help and they refused. One sibling ran up credit cards, borrowed money on her house ;lost the house and the other one is a drinker; both on disability. Then when I had to move her in my home the money drama started. From Adult protective too turning the family against me. They got mad when adult procective service didn't find anything wrong. Since she has been with me I have used an account spread sheet, boxes and boxes of receipts; hired and fired 4 different helper because mother couldn't get alone with them, I dropped out of college, turn down job promotions,take her with us on our wedding annivesaries and switched my work hours from day to nights to be able to take her to appointments and even paid for family cousneling but during the cousnelling session all they did was continue to accuss me of wrong doing. my husband gives up his free time to stay home with her when I have to work at night and he do this and his own mother is in a nursing home. His siblings got together and decided this was best for their mama. The last step is mediator and I am working on that know to end this drama once and for all. She will be in one of their homes or the nursing home. Should I have feel guilty say that and ready for her to move out? What I would give have a day without drama!
Thanks again,
Happy,sad,glad

My Mom lives with me. She is 96 and getting weak. She is weak when I am in the room. I leave the room and then all of sudden she is strong. I am trying so hard for this to be a good situation. But honestly I want my life back. My brother helps once in a while. Other than that I am the main caregiver. I always said I would take care of her but it's not working out. I bodily have to help her at times. Then if I am not around she moves around and needs no help at all. I don't think I can do much more. My back and arms are killing me. Plus I am a hairdresser. I think I am just worn out.