I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Hi all,
I just got a call from the nursing home and they have a bed available for mom. I will be admitting her tomorrow afternoon. The hospice chaplain will be here when I tell mom, and help us with the move. I know this is the best thing for her, but telling her is going to be one of the most emotionally difficult things I've ever had to do. Please pray for me.

You are both right on. There's a point for many when they know in their hearts that they can't give the care the care receiver needs. No guilt needed. You are at a crossing point and it's hard, but the right choice is often hard beause what is "right" is different for everyone.
Carol

"Something" does happen. Sometimes it is sufficient to serve as an alert that approaches have to change. Sometimes, that "something" is so significant that it limits options that were open before "something" came into the picture. I urge everyone who cares for an elder loved one, don't wait until you are in crisis, don't wait until your options shrink to the "lesser of two/three evils." Be proactive, have the difficult conversations. Set your boundaries ahead of time. Please, I've seen enough in 25+ years of eldercare to know the importance of a proactive approach.

Neon, you are a wise lady. My cousin, who took care of her mother and FIL, both initially at home and then in a NH, gave me some good advice when I was telling her about my problems with Mom. She said that something will happen, an event, a conversation with your parent, or ???, but something will happen and you will know it is time. I wasn't sure exactly what she meant until the something happened here. Without going into details, it became abundantly clear to me that I had reached the point of doing all I could, and that Mom needs far more than I can give her. So now that I'm there, I'm still giving while awaiting a NH bed, which I've learned don't come easy. God Bless you, Neon, and all of us.

My mom is slowly declining and I will give to her all she needs until it is impossible she will then go to a nursing home. That is what they are there for,m Yes you can do some but you cannot do it all at the risk of your own health and we are getting close to that I just want to make the transition as easy as possible for her as she is adament that she will not go to a NH but I watch and evaluate, talk to her doctor and am wise enough to know when i can no longer do her any good. It is a shame life ends this way but it does for everyone. I will go to a NH as I do not want to be a burden to my son. I didn't have him to take care of me. Although he is always concerned and always here when I need him. God Bless us all.

Continuing as you are won't ultimately be healthy for you, your mother, or your marriage. Please help get some professional help from a good family counselor, your clergy, your mom's MD, or even a friend your mom trusts. Caregiving is tough in the best of circumstances. Boundaries are important. It's okay to say you have had enough. "Enough" can be said with love and compassion. Saying so doesn't mean you don't care or that you plan to abandon your mom. Please get some help.

mitzi,
Thanks for being a reasonable voice in a very unreasonable sea of emotion. We know how truly hard it is to care for our families, but not everyone gets it. How blessed some are to have the "perfect" situation. Wish we all had that. My mom is really good, but her health and weight are fighting against her. I do what I can and have had her here for 4 years, but I know that after a few more, she will be beyond my help. Then, I will put it in God's hands and that of the professionals. Thanks for being one of the good ones!!!

Thanks tx, but all I'm stating are truths. So many times people feel guilted into not doing it themselves, and there is no reason for guilt!! This day and age has now provided great services (granted some still suck), but nursing homes and assisted living is changing for the better. The people are the ones to change the tide in requesting excellent care with reasonable prices.

I was blessed to have my parent's family not argue with me and was amazed at what I was able to do for my parents. What we owe are parent's is our best no matter what the result.

Now I know there are people who will give the lowest quality of care (saying they provide) in order to gain inheritance..... shame on them! But do not feel guilt for wanting to provide for your family.

My parent's never talked about the type of care they wanted, just that they wanted me to care for them. Well if I was single, maybe things would be different. But I owe it to my husband regardless. My mom when she was hospitalized then demanded assisted living. Then when she got into AL, she was throwing a temper tantrum then (I understand the drastic lifestyle changes, but there is more to that story). I provided her and my father care with excellence.

They have 24/7 care, a nice size apartment (to bring many of their furnishings), 3 square meals a day (when mom was starving herself and dad doesn't remember to eat), apartment cleaning, hourly checks, socialization, etc all for the cost of $3 less a day than if I had had 10-hr in home care.

I did the comparison. I factored my life into it. I'm exhausted and I am still recovering from 5-6 years of medical issues, running myself ragged, etc. I don't have the energy. I've become more anemic because I haven't and still don't eat great anymore because I'm sleeping when I can grab it.

Be fair to yourself. Evaluate the situation carefully. Seek God in all that you do. This is NOT a light burden. How can you show your loved one you care when you are nasty, miserable, exhausted yourself? Parents can sense that as well. This is making their end of life with quality, contentment, and dignity. You do the best you can.

lovingdaughter
You are right. People shouldn't judge the choices others make. No two situations are the same. Everyone here is trying to do the right thing, often affect many people they love. Keep at it. You all are great!
Carol

Mitzipinki, you said it SO WELL!!! Wish I had said all you do. So true. Sometimes doing hands-on 24 hr care becomes less than optimal care because we are only human and need to sleep occasionally! I'm at the tail-end of the isolated stressed out caretaker, awaiting a nursing home bed for mom. I did all I could while I could, but parents' conditions change and deteriorate, and at some point we're doing more harm than good by keeping them home with us. And to the rest of you, lovingdaughter, secretsister, neon to name a few, you're the best! I love coming to this site have having y'all's shoulders to cry on.

I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and burdened. Have you thought about hiring live-in care? You don't have to take care of her and your mother doesn't have to go to a nursing home. You should think about it; it was a good compromise between my mother and I.

Good luck!

Thanks, I needed that!!!!!!!!!!

thanks loving daughter you know I WILL fight for us to the end. And kiddo you ain't so bad yourself

Neon,
YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!!! JOJO, you need to be with us a long time and read our posts and histories as we VENT and have the right to. How a a person can judge us without knowing the history that each of us has, is beyond me. We all do our jobs for many different reasons, but the fact is we are doing it!! The ones who may need to be told off are the ones who are not on this site because they don't care and have left us in the lurch!!!!!!! Walk in our shoes!!!!'
Yes , we set boundaries, make sacrifices and cry a lot, but we are here. Where are they??????????

My heart goes out to those who have tough choices, but I am going to say a strong statement, then ease into an explanation. I am so tired of hearing people say it is out of obligation because my parent's raised me and now I owe her. What I owe my mother is honoring her as a parent and even my mother and honoring my dad for that matter, BUT doing it within the boundaries that I am physically able to do without destroying those around me.

Now with that being said.... my mother had issues prior even to becoming a senior needing care. It goes too deep to discuss here on this post (you can read my previous posts). I am an only child, and I have no children of my own. My father has Alzheimer's and my mother has Severe Major Depression. With working full-time, taking care of my household, handling my parent's legal, financial, and housing (keeping their original house as well) is more than a full time job.

My obligation to them is that I make sure they are well taken care of and that is EXACTLY what I do, but its not solely by my hand. My two cents is that you need to be fair to your family as well. The misnomer in caregiving for a parent is that you solely have to provide it. But then what you are losing out on is the relationship because of the stressors in caregiving that seem to then consume your life.

I bend my boundaries for my father a bit because it is the disease of Alzheimer's and he cannot help his behavior. My mother's behavior on the other hand is a lifetime of issues I care not to go into in this post.

You have to decide what's right, but consider the statistics as well.... caregivers die many times sooner than the cared for person. They (the cared for elder) are also not being raised like a child is in order to be independent. Reality is they are becoming dependents. AL and nursing homes are not like they once were. If its a necessary situation, then move them. This way you can spend much more time on loving your parent without the added stressors. Then you are giving your mother or father the much needed love they need. Besides, the socialization is awesome for them instead of being isolated with a stressed out caregiver.

There is nothing wrong with that. There are just various forms of caregiving.

God bless your heart neonwalky and thank you.

I'm very sorry I posted anything, it was very emotional to read the posts and relate to them. I thought writing my emotions down would be a good experience. ..and to meet others who may relate. (not to be judged)

Good luck to all of you on your journey and god bless.

I beleive the same thing But God also knows we are human and we feel things that may not seem approriate and we just have to get it off our chest,

In 1982 I lost a 13 year old child he was missing for 26 days I survived, I took care of my father in law with cancer in 1987 thru 1989 I took care of my mother in law from 1997 to 1999 with Alzheimers, heart disease, strokes two broken hips and diabetes, I took care of my Dad moving my parents from another state to where I live in 2005 my father fell and shattered his pelvis and broke a hip he was in numerous hospitals off and on for 3 months he contracted MRSA I gave him IV every morning before I went to work, washed him got him up made his coffee took him into living room opened blinds to make him feel normal, he had a stroke a month later a week later he died, I arranged his funeral bought floewers for all involved, paid for everything no one as of yet ha reimbursed me for their part. I than brought my mother to live with me, she is narcissistic, cannot hear refuseds to have cataracts removed therefore almost blind. why do I do these things? I don't know I have a kind heart? I am compassionate? and by the way never got along with my mother she made my childhood and teenage years a living hell. Where is she going to go to the Street I wouldn't let a stranger live that waY, SOOO..

I do it because God tells me to. and yes I complain every chance I get so much so my sister has told me she doesn't want to hear it and my brother hasn't called or visited his mother since his father died. same for sister. So guess what they won't hear anymore from me. I can and will do it myself as I always have. but I still don't have to like it. I so look forward to the other world I KNOW it will be where I belong after all isn't that everyones goal?

Dear Neonwocky--
Well, we moved dad in with us when our kids were 11 and 15. There is not a "good" time in life to do this for parents ... it happens when it happens. And of course we need to vent ... I do it all the time! My husband just laughs it off, but that's because it's MY dad who's living with us. It is definitely a worthwhile and kind thing to take your parents under your wing when they need you. It can be stressful, inconvenient, and very aggravating at times. But I believe God will reward us at the end of our lives, if not sooner as well.

whoa there is more at play here than just Love or commitment especially when young children are involved, I don't think you can take everyones word as litteral some just need to vent it doesn't mean they are going to act on it.

To those who now "don't want their parents living with them anymore...."

You made a commitment to your parent(s), and it's unfair to boot them once you feel you're tired of them. It's a big sacrifice, but they are relying on you ... don't throw them out because your emotions are telling you that they're ruining your life. You'll be ruining theirs MORE. Just like they made a commitment as parents to raise and support you, you should adhere to YOUR commitment once you make it to them. They're old and frail, and yes, it isn't always "fun" or "fulfilling" to have that responsibility. They can be temperamental, childish, and require lots of your "free" time. But we did it five years ago for my dad when we moved him in with us (in his own attached apartment), and though we've had to sacrifice impromptu trips, weekends away, etc. -- we made a commitment to dad, and we'll abide by it either til he dies, or if there comes a time that we CANNOT care for him ourselves. Do you love your parents? Then, in love, do what you commited to do. Then your conscience will be clear .... now and later.

Dear mommyof2, bless your heart, and all you've done. I understand how difficult this is, as I am in a difficult situation, as well, and can relate to what you say. Lovingdaughter has some good ideas. Take care, and know help is available.

Take her to an assisted living for a visit. Do it a few times and then MOVE her there. You have babies and you can't do this. She is not thinking clearly so one of you has to think clearly. She needs professional help.
I have the same situation, but mom is doing OK and I have great hired help. Without it, I would have never moved her in with us and I am 62 with no kids at home. You have done all you can; now let the people who have been trained take over. She will fight you, but don't give in. Set BOUNDARIES and stick to them.

Good luck

Wow, it is was so emotional to read all of these posts. I have been taking care of my Mother for the last 4 years since she has had a stroke. She is now 65. It has been very hard on my family. I have 2 children, a 4 year old and a 7 month old. In the last 6 months my mother has been taking dizzy spells ( they say it is a drop in her blood pressure) and is so having bathroom issues, and she doesn't always want to eat. In the last 6 months I have made many doctor's visits, hospital trips, emerency trips, and yesterday it was an abulance trip in hopes of finding out any further issues and I'm no further ahead. I know that if I even mention the word assisted seniors living it would kill her, and I do truly believe she would have better care. I truly am the only person she has left in her life she has ignored all of her family and friends. Even my mother and I have never been close, but I can't leave her all alone. Therefore I feel that I'm am being selfish. My husband is very understanding but I can see this is now taking a toll on him.
My feelings of obligation and to take care of my mother are overwhelming.
Best of luck to all of you.

Right on with what Austin said, if you are not married to him, not that I'm cold hearted, but I would reevaluate my reasons for helping out. Sometimes we do it out of selfish gain other times because we really do care about human kind. But what people fail to remember is that they are not God. Even if they "were", God rested on the seventh day, so what makes us think we are beyond Him? Do what you need to, but there is a LOT to consider in a situation like this. Maybe you just need a reprieve, I'm not sure, but whatever it is, you are going to need to find the boundaries in whatever you do. God bless!

Please read some of my back posts and definily set boundries

Get Help!!! Set Boundaries. Listen to Austin and SecretSister and Mitzi. They all have been through much of the same things. I always lean on them for advice. We understand what you are doing, but if you don't take care of yourself, no one else will.

You need to realize that you should not be treated that way it is different if it is a spouse who is like that as I had for many years until I said I can not do it any longer I would definatly get help he may need to be placed and they will not take his bad behaivor do not delay another day getting out of this situation for your own health-good luck and keep comming to this site.

That was wise advice, mitzipinki, and why I didn't pass judgment. Just wanted to encourage her to get help for both their needs.

With just briefly reading, I think it is important to analyze things and make some choices. Is the nastiness due to the illness or because he's always been like that. Is it medicine related? Is there a problem with Alzheimer's or some form of dementia? Take all those things into consideration. But realize that if you are a friend.... are you doing this because you care, out of obligation, or for something in return?

Examining the heart and other environmental issues can be a huge factor in deciding what to do. Then you just need to do it. Set a boundary for yourself on whatever avenue you choose. But I'm not going to say which way to go. :X

shirleyann60.. you do not deserved to be treated like that . maybe he is giving you a hint he doesnt want you around . whats more i would not be treated that way cuz i wouldnt letthat happen . i agree with dragonfire , id drop him like a hot potatoe !
youre 60 yrs old you need to take care of yourself . hey life is too short !!!
let somebody eles take care of him cuz surely he s not apprecating havin you there .... my father apprecates me and even tells me so . he s worth to take care of . i am 47 yrs old and im not no 60 yrs old .
you said he is a friend , haha what a friend he is !!! friends dont treat you that way !