I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Speed Dial Happy Acres NOW!!!!!!!! You are not equipped to handle this kind of care for her unless you are a trained professional. Even if you are , you still need help. My mom has been with us for 4 years and is sound of mind. However, she is incontinent. If she starts to suffer any kind of dementia, she has to go. We are just not equipped to handle that. Good luck.

lach61,--Place her in a nursing home, why are you putting up with that?

Good morning to everyone,

I need to vent every once in awhile and I haven't been on here, but I just about lost it this morning. My m-i-l, who has Alzheimer's, & is 78 yrs. old, called out this morn. Luckily, I was up
at 6:30 am when she called out. I had just fixed my breakfast and was going to let her go on calling (she either goes to the bathroom or goes back to bed). Something told me to not wait until I finished my breakfast, just go see what she wants. I went down and she didn't have any DEPENDS or pj bottoms on. I went inside the gate & found everything on the bed was on the floor except for the bottom sheet and pillowcases. Then I went to get another pair of DEPENDS in the bathroom and found her Super Plus DEPENDS in the toilet and on top of that her pj bottoms and to top that off, a HUGE bowel movement on top of her pj bottoms. I just about lost it and called for my husband. My husband came down and got the floor, toilet bowl and sink. I got the clean DEPENDS on her and changed her clothes. If my husband was working, I wouldn't be able to handle it as well.

Thanks for letting me feel like I can vent.

This past year feels like 10yrs. taking care of her, and a bi-polar ex husband. I am drained. I'll surely research getting in some help here.

My dad's in a facility and refuses to eat. Father-in-law is there, too. No one can force them to eat. But I hear you about getting some help. We did, and we are so grateful for it. What a difference it has made in our lives. Mom is getting help, too. We were doing it all, and it was an impossible job, trying to help someone who fought us every step of the way. Now, we're relieved to get the help they need. Here's hoping you find that same relief, and regain some of your life back. You'll be glad you did!

I do feel guilty, but I'll tell ya what, I'm checking things out after Christmas, where I can get some help. I'm tired of the whole promise thing,,,,, I promised, but no one told me, I was going to be severely abused, and the pack mule for 15-18 hours a day, and never even get out to smell the summer, and worse yet, never even earn a cent. I feel totally depleated, and scarred. Now its time for me to stop taking it, and do something to relieve myself. No help from family,,,, but I'll find some.!! She refused dinner last nite, and told me it was crap, and she wasnt going to eat it, (after she helped herself to 3 butterballs, and soda), so, I let her go to bed without dinner. I didnt insist on her eating, for her health, I just let it go. So many instances, and some very hurtful for me. I'll get some relief, thanks to all for ideas.

From what I've told it takes a month for every week of hospitalization, etc. I would have to say that probably exists for caregivers too. My tasks do not seem to end just because they are in AL. I am tired, I have my health due to stress on top of working full time. It is draining... just make sure you learn to take some time for you. And it is not easy to say.... because I'm still trying to do myself.

Hello. I've been caring for my parents FT in my home for a year and half. I am an only, judged to be easier by many. Maybe. It is heavy, I am "it", there is no one to talk to who even cares. That is the onlies difference. We cleaned their house out, had a sale, moved them, moved things out of our house, organized services they would accept and have worked our arses off ever since. Including when I had my cancer surgery (you would have found me on my hands and knees washing my kitchen floor from their many daily spills). I am washed out.

thats the best advice take care of you than you can do anything

Beautiful, lovingdaugher.
Carol

My brother would go out of his way to go home so that he would not pass mom and dad's house. His house was a mile to the south and his gas station was a mile to the north. Go figure. You are doing the right thing, we all are. The ones who are not, are not on this site. Bless you all and take care of yourselves. pkpurs is right, if you don't take care of yourself, what good will you be to your loved ones?

1hardebeck,
I thought mom was a goner so may times She was diagnosd 13 years ago. She was a tiny thing but she held on. She went all the way. The last few days she could't eat. Her brain couldn't tell her throat to swallow anymore so she litterly starved to death. It was awful. I am 59 but a few months before she passed I was in the hospital. Complete exhaustion. Kidney failure, compromised ammune system...................so take care of yourself first. You can't do them any goodif you are sick. My sister droveright by our house but wouldn't stop. My nieces and nephew the sme. Their reasoning was they wanted to remember her healthy and happy.....................unfortunetly, those aren't my last memories. I wish they were. Bu you know what? I don't feel guilty and they do. We alldo what we have to do and the rest is history as they say.......laugh a little, it feels good............Phyllis

yes i thought dad was going to be gone long ago well that turned into 3 years . haha i honestly think he prob live 10 more years ! he is 86 ...a hellva fighter i say ... i still love him and take care of him . everyday i feel like its getting harder on me and im only 47 .. where is my sister ?? at home all alonesome . she can drive but rather stays home . shes tired gerself andi sure hope i dont end up takin care ofher oh lord nooooo.....

Alicemb,
Vent all you want! You have to get it off your chest or you will end up sick yourself!!!

just remember how scared they are. Nothing makes sense to them anymore. They don't mean to be mean to anyone. It's just because they are scared and don't even know who you are most of the time. Love them while you can. Thinking of them like a child can help because that is really what they are. They are afraid of everything. Especailly of being alone. I just sat with my mom and tried to keep her involved in what we did. I let her help even tho I had to go back and redo everything. You do what you have to. When they are gone..................they are gone and you will wish they were back............I think about my mom every day........about the things she loved like the leaves turning.......the crisp weather..............she use to love to go for rides in the country...........until she got where she was so afraid of everything including the wind.......then we stayed home and enjoyed what we could. It doesn't mean I didn't get frustrated sometimes and agravated but when it's all over it doesn't seem so bad when you think back. Love em while you can cause sooner than you thing, they will be gone!!

Diana09,
If you are like me, no one will take over. Useless brother and poor planning on my parent's part will be the death of my freedom and golden years. But I still manage to have fun and have great help taking care of my mother.. All of you who know me know my battle cry: BOUNDARIES. Set them, keep them, and enjoy life while you can!

I think we need to realize, too, that our elder loved ones are losing their power to reason. What seems like a reasonable request to them may be way out of line or impossible to carry out. "I won't be any trouble, just give me a bed and I'll be fine"....We baby boomers are facing some unfair situations. My mother tells me "By the time we die (she and Dad) you will be too old to enjoy yourself." Probably true, but who is going to take over so I can have the freedom to "enjoy myself"?

Thank you again to all of you for your support and advice. I checked on mom today and things went well last night. She was a bit confused this morning about where she is, but no real problems. Now I have a question for those of you who have put their folks in nursing homes after caring for them at home. I feel like I've been run over by a train! It kind of feels like a post-adrenalin rush, that let-down you get. Is this normal? How long does this last? Will I ever feel like a normal person again :)?

Find a way to make it bearable! Don't turn your back on your parents! Work it out make it work! Use your heads! I know how tough it can be! Look into Adult day care, for a respite during the day! Think of them as children and work it out! If you try this could be a positive time for you! Think positive! When they are gone they are gone and you will wish they were still with you, unless you are completely heartless. This could be a time of growth in you, if you let it. Take one day at a time. The Lord bless you and give you the grace you need to continue in love!

Txmaggie,
I'm glad everything went well with your mom and the nursing home. Don't exhaust yourself running back and forth constsntly. We ll have to do things we don't want to. We have to think of ourselves and that isn't being selfish.
I haven't written anything in several months but I do read everything. My mom passed 7 months ago. I cared for her for 5 years 24/7. It was my husband (God bless him)!! and myself. My sister and her kids didn't come by because they wanted to remember her when she was happy and healthy (wouldn't we all like that!!)! We have a mentally challenged daughter and it was hard on her because as moms Alzhiemers progressed she didn't know any of us and my dughter didn't understand. We kept mom home and had Hospice the last few months. Heartland Hospice is the best!!! I didn't know there was more than one hospice. I thought Hospice was Hospice. We went thru a couple before we had Heartland. The first couple dropped us because my mom kind of leveled off for a couple of months, which Alzhiemers patients tend to do that towards the end and they didn't think we needed them. Heartland was our last and they were so great!! They got mom a hospital bed so that she was lying on air and that way she didn't get bed sores. They got her a Broda chair so that she wasn't sliding and leaning when she sat up. It also has a bottom that you can lower so that her little botton didn't get so tired!! There is so much out there to help. Spititually and emotionally. Hang in there guys. It's a hard situation but we do it because we love them. They are so scared and we have to remember that!! Well, I have written enough. Thank God for all of you.....Phyllis....

that made me cry ....
i just brought my dad home from rehab . he couldnt wait to get home . he rather be with families here . didnt care for activies there . he said his activies is at home , recliner and tv .
he did good lastnight , slept all night long . so will see how it goes tonite . i hope he sleeps all night ..
go check on ur mom at odd hours ofthe night will you please ... thanks ,

You are in my prayers.

txmaggie,
We should all be so fortunate to have such a transition. Best wishes for you and your mom. God Bless and keep writing. We are always here for you.
Linda

This is wonderful news. I think she will find it is a lot different than she probably expected. We all go through different stages in life. Graduation from high school, going to college (home or away), marriage, kids, etc... its only as bad or as good as we make it.

Good job and thanks for being a story we can look up to.

To all of you who responded so beautifully to my last post, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. The move to the nursing home went well. I tried to gently let her know that she would receive care and support for her confusion and decreasing abilities to do things for herself, that I wasn't far away and would be visiting, that her dog was allowed in to visit, and that I loved her and came to this decision only after much soul searching. She said she knew it was coming, cried only a littlle, then started asking questions about the place. She actually seemed to be relieved. While I was in the next room packing some things, she told the chaplain that she thought this was the best thing for both her and me, that she saw how exhausted I am and how I was up in the middle of the night with her almost every night. I called the nursing home when we were 20 minutes away and they met her at the door, gave her a lovely greeting, introduced her to staff and residents, gave her a tour, set her down to play bingo. Her table mates immediately took her in and started helping her, and she was laughing and chatting with them......until I went in to let her know I was leaving. THen the complaints started leaking out (couldn't see the bingo cards well), but nothing serious and no begging to go home. I assured her the staff would help her get settled in for the night and she seems to be in very good hands.

So again, thank you for all your prayers and support. It is priceless.

TO ALL OF YOU... YOU NEED TO LET THEM KNOW WHY AND PLEASE DO NOT LIE TO THEM TELL THEM THE TRUTH BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T YOU WILL REGET IT AND FILL GUILTY ..I HAVE NEVER HAD THE PROBLEM I REFUSE TO PUT MY PARENTS IN ONE ONLY BECAUSE THEIR WAS 12 OF US AND WE CAN TAKE CARE OF THE (WAS I WRONG) BUT ANYWAY JUST LET THEM KNOW WHERE THINGS STAND THEY WILL UNDERSTAND

SecretSister has said it so well. You have done all that you can. Now it is time to give your mom and yourself the peace of mind and spirit that you need. She will be well cared for and you will be able to see that she has the best care that you and the home will provide. Bless you and keep in touch.

Dear txmaggie and your Mom, I am praying your transition is smooth, your heart comforted, emotions eased, and both you and Mom's needs and desires met and exceeded. We have a loving God who provides and blesses. As you and Mom adjust, I pray this is the best possible solution for for everyone concerned.

I understand the mixed emotions, and even the anxiety of making this decision. I'm praying you and your Mom are as blessed as our families have been. Our dads are thriving in their nursing home environment, and we're pleased beyond our expectations.

tx, you're a wonderful daughter to continually be so loving to your Mom. After all your care and hard work, I'm hoping you and Mom can both rest and enjoy the change! Take care :) and let us know how things are going.

tx... go into this with a humble heart.... if you are providing the best for your mom.... God will be with you and it will flow with ease (well not all roses and such), but you will know.

God bless.

txmaggie,
You are always in our prayers. Be assured that you are doing the right thing. Best of wishes and prayers to you and your family.