I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

You are under NO obligation to have your elderly parent live with you. Put your foot down and simply inform her that you will NOT have her living at your place any more. If she will not go to a nursing home or assisted living, then she is being selfish and inconsiderate of your family and household.

I disagree with "wuvsicecream." Our parents CHOSE to bring us into the world - none of asked to be born. It is cruel and selfish for a parent to bring a child into the world in the "hopes" that it will care for us in our old age. It is also unfair for society or family members to "lay the guilt trip" on us because we have no interest (or no ability) to have an elderly parent move in with us. In addition, some elderly people are not nice people; they are manipulative, demanding and selfish - they were probably that way when they were younger A person's basic nature does not change. No one deserves to be emotionally abused by a family member, even it is the elderly parent. Help them find an assisted living place or nursing home when the time comes. But don't allow your life to be ruined by your elderly parent. Sometimes the adult child just has to put their foot down.

Can someone say LONELY? A life bad life decision shouldnt be the end all. He is human, after all. If he's able to live in a hotel on his own, try helping him find an apartment with other seniors, make his transition an easier one- you aren't cutting him out of your life,you just don't want him to live with you. He is still your dad, and unfortunately, it's all the bad times we remember most vividly when they pass. This doesn't ave to be so horrible. If everyone is telling him he isn't welcome can you imagine how lonely he is. Youve done so much already, and only you know your heart. But just because you stood up for yourself ( good for you) doesn't mean you don't care anymore. You are posting here- that means you're not finished yet.

Our parents gave life to us. When we cryed, they comforted us, when we were sick they didn't rest until we were well, when we kept them up all night crying as baby's for different reasons they went sleepless, when we needed diapers they changed them. When you were hungry you were feed thirsty you got a drink. When sick you were brought to Dr. so you could get better. Do you think they felt guilty if you needed a needle with medicine and it made you cry. Does anyone think they questioned... why me?... I don't deserve this?... I could be having fun, this child is ruining my life, someone else should be doing this instead of me. Our parents did what ever the cost to provide a safe, healthy, quality of life to the best of thier abilities or none of us would be here. Doing what you need to, to provide a safe, healthy, good quality of life for your parent should not be viewed as a burden, no matter what the sacrifice. I remember when I was 5yrs old being hospitalized for 3 weeks with pneomonia. I nearly died, in those days my my brother and sister couldn't visit and parents couldn't stay at night. I cryed and screamed every night when they left. I couldn't understand why I was being seperated from family and that's all I wanted but being in hospital was what I needed. I am pretty sure my parents never questioned why this was a burden on them or the treatment that I needed, just did what they needed to do to keep me alive. I just hope when I get to be elderly and need help someone is there for me, like I am for my Mom now, and my parents were there for me always. I would much rather go thru the struggle now than live with myself knowing that I didn't do everything I could have. That would be a greater and much longer burden to deal with.

I am in a situation. I let my mom come live with me and my husband and she has been here 8 months and it's driving me insane! Both of my grown children finally moved out and now I have my 90 yr old mother because my brother backed out taking her and I felt sorry for her. I quit my job to take care of her but started working part time again to get out of the house, but when I come home, she just wants me to sit in the room with her. I can't have a conversation with her because she can't hear. My husband works nights and when he is home, we can't even watch a movie together because she insists on sitting in the living room with us. We have a tv in her room, but she will not go in there because she says she likes to be around us. AHHHHHH My brother never gives me a break by taking her a weekend nor does her brother & his wife that only live 5 minutes from me...and they are such "the Christians", ya know...Yeah right! She has taken over my recliner and I either have to sit or lay on the couch, which kills my back, and if I go outside...here she comes looking for me. I just can't get away or never feel like I ever just have any me time. Then when I get aggravated, she starts singing some religious song or gets her bible out and starts reading it. Tonight, she was talking to herself saying how mean I am to her. DOESN'T SHE REALIZE I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT DOES EVERYTHING FOR HER? I'm tired of her trying to make me feel guilty and draining the life out of me! I noticed I am dying my hair more often too. lol She lived 2 hrs away from St. Louis and says if she has to go in a nursing home, she wants to go back there. God, I am ready to make that call! Our friends quit coming over and we rarely go out because we feel bad leaving her by herself. Thoughts please......

My mother-in-law moved in with us after having a stroke 1.5 years ago. Since that time she ahs fallen approximately 17 times. We had her in a nursing home and she fell there 6 times. We took her back out of the nursing home (when she falls, at least someone is around and cares).Now she is living with us once again and I am miserable. HOwever, to lighten thte load, I found an Adult Day care Center. I take her there 4 mornings a week and she is there until 5pm everyday. She is fed a hot meal, exercises, socializes and gets a shower twice a week. And it is affordable care. Once a week we have someone come in for 5 hours. This companion takes my MIL to the stores, does her laundry, cleans the commode and changes her bed sheets. This has made our life much more bearable. I suggest you call the Dept. of Aging in your area to locate a Day Center. Good Luck!

Ducie, In total agreement with Deefer12. You must think of your family. I knew long ago that my mother would not live with us. She knows this also and has come to terms with it. I love her and want to care for her but as my husband says: "You are like two cats in a box & would claw each others eyes out". We both chuckle but know he is right.
The consequences could be devastating. You must be realistic, and although you WANT to care for her...........It could end VERY badly.
PLEASE think it through.

Ducie, It is hard enough taking care of someone who raised you lovingly and unconditionally. Your situation would be next to intolerable! Don't do this to your family, unless you are prepared for the consequences. Begin br reading past posts from the "grossed out thread". Many of these people are caring for abusive parents. They could give you better advice on the subject.

my situation is slightly different in that my mother is definitely and very suddenly going to need tomove in with us or go into a NHS care home. So she hasn't yet been in one. She is I think a sociopath - she is the bright spark of the conversation when strangers are here; but within the family she is destructive and manipulative. How can I therefore put us all (husband - greatly criticised by mother - and our teenage daughters - also sometimes hurt by her- and me who is in her grip yet loathing us both for it) into this dreaded situation where she lives with us? I am aware that no-one has the answer - it's just good to tell.

Nance,
I am 62 and feeling it. I do have lots of help, but she is getting to the point that she needs more care than I can give her. As soon as we sell our house, we are going to move her with us. Probably within 1 year, she will be in a NH. We don't want to uproot her more than we have to, so we are waiting until we move. Just pray we sell our house. That 55 and over community is calling me!!!!!!

Sleeping through the night is no small thing when you have been a caregiver or being allowed to stay in bed when you are sick.

Loving-may I ask why you still have your Mom at home with you? You must be much younger then me, My Mom has been in a NH for about 6 months.
She gets very good care, do you not have good NH's where your at?
I'm not being mean, but I do know that it takes it's toll on caregivers, still being in a NH does not get rid of the concern but they are trained to do their job and I feel relieved that she can't hurt herself there.
I go see her every other day and I'm trying to take a bit better care of myself.
After years of Mom care, I lost friends and even my sisters, as they stayed away from us.
NH's don't solve everything but at least I can sleep through the night.God bless you and take care.

2old,
We all know how you feel. Is there a way that you can get away for a while? Respite care is great and many states have programs where your relative can go for an extended week. Even if you don;t go anywhere, tell her you are. Then you can relax at home. recharge and rethink your situation. It is getting very close to the time that my mom can't stay with us. After 4 years, she is starting to not listen and do some really dumb things. She has been walking around with her disposable underwear around her knees if I don't
respond quick enough to her call for help. I am not jumping to her commands and she has been warned. If she breaks a hip , she is gone. You will know when it is time to change your situation. When you know, don't ignore your thoughts. We all can't do this for very long. Good luck and look for a way to get that break you need.
Linda

My mom has a paid for home about 6 hours away from me and I am really thinking of gettin a uhaul and loading all her worthless crap in to it and dumping her off again there and having the power cut on and just say I can't know more.. I can't take this any more. She is the meanest, most backstabbing woman i have ever met.

Praying!

Sister,
Someone is coming to look at the house, dropped the price. Keep your fingers crossed!!!!!!!
Linda

Sending hugs and prayers for both of you for all you do, and for your loved ones, too!

I no longer feel guilt. I can keep mom for about 1 more year and then she will be too far gone for me to do the job correctly. Honest about the facts, not guilt ridden about my promise to dad when he died. Can't lift her -she is too fat( and no- that is not cruel, just honest); can't stop her from falling- not strong enough. I don't want her to get hurt because he waited too long. She will need professional help soon and I am wise enough to know this. This point in my life did not come easily- it took much soul searching on my part. It is all about her and not my guilt or my love for her. Rther it is about what is best for her.

Thanks so much for your support. I have come to realise that I can't make everything better without help and I certainly can't make dad better behaved. We have to look at the good things in life and hope they outway the bad. It's hard and I try to improve my outlook on life. I am getting support from my family and we have decided to look into him going in a care home, social services and doctors have agreed to help in any way they can. I'm going to take all the help I can get and then live a life myself. Its taken me along time to say this out loud, that I can't cope and I need help. Lots of hugs and kisses to all of you carers . xxx

Guilt is a tough one. As an eldercare professional, I certainly meet my share of guilty adult children of elderly parents. I have an elderly parent myself and my professional objectivity goes out the window when the elder belongs to me. For what it is worth, I am going to offer my personal philosophy on guilt. Take it for what it is worth or throw it out with the trash. Here goes:
"Guilt is a worthless emotion. If you plan to do something about whatever it is you are feeling guilty about, there is no need for guilt. If you are not going to do anything about whatever is causing you guilt, why would you bother to waste energy on feeling guilty for something you have no intention of changing?" Aside from my personal perspective on guilt, please talk to a trusted, supportive and objective professional about your feelings (clergy, social worker, mental health counselor, etc). My prayers are with you.

I know one thing, you sure shouldn't feel guilty for NOT wanting your mom to live with you so if you are, don't. I say you have every right to feel that way. Ofcourse getting her out is the question here.......hmmmmmmm how bout opening the door and saying BYE, not really but how about asking her about living on her own. How do you think she would handle that? Atleast that could be a lead into explaining why it would be better if she lived alone.

Dear tinapick,

I'm so glad you found us. Welcome! I hope this is a place where you feel safe. You fit right in! So, thanks for sharing your thoughts with us today.

Hmmmmm. Guilt. You'll probably read about it here often. I think the better terminology may be, "false guilt." If he is touching you inappropriately, then I certainly wouldn't be driving him! Is this something new, and why not think about stopping him... When we are victimized, it produces a strange mixture of emotional confusion and challenges.

What you are experiencing is a natural reaction to your situation. I suggest you explore wise counsel, and some distance from this awful sin! Develop a new set of boundaries, and stop letting your dad violate them. I'll be praying for you, asking God to help you with them. You already know in your heart that the problem lies with him, so trust your God-given instincts, and get help for dealing with them. Bless you.

Please keep posting, so we know how things are going with you. I'm so glad you found this site. I pray it helps you move past the place where you are, and find the strength to confront this problem, and find safety from him!

I know just how you feel ihave had dad with me for 5 years now,before that i looked after both parents in their home.This must be universal, i'm British and found you all by chance thank God. Had to seek help with his doctor and social services, don't think I can carry on doing this any more. Dad can do things for himself but has started to shun med help. He also touches me inappropriately even when i am driving.Social services coming to see me soon, nice man on phone, please let him be able to help.Trouble is were does this guilt come from.

I too told my sonz that they are not obligated to take care of me. Put me in a home, but if I'm on life support or anything like that, don't prolong my sorry life, cancel it. I'm really OK with it cause I don't wanna end up like my mom or anyone else in that condition.

I've already told my daughter-in-law that she can just put the pillow over my face if I get like that. I DID tell her to WAIT till I was REALLY bad though. On second thought.... :)

Get long term care insurance and take care of your future if you are worried. I am sure that you have learned from the past and will mindful of the future! Our daughter is an only( we call it Limited Edition) as well. I have assured her that we will not be her burden or responsibility. I will never do to her what my mom did to us.

Here's what terrifies me about all this: My grandmother moved in with us when I was 17 and she was a nightmare for a myriad of reasons I won't even get into here. My mother was her only child so she felt obligated to take her in. Now it's 30 years later and here is my mother living with me. I am an only child and I felt obligated to take my mother in. She's not 1/10th as bad as my grandmother was, but she still drives me nuts. My daughter is likewise an only child - and now I'm terrified that I will be someday the "crazy mother/grandmother" that she feels obligated to take in and who drives her crazy. I'd rather take a handful of Ambien and be done with it before that happens.

Guilt never leads to the resolution of issues. Hurtful comments often are a part of dementia. They may be an attempt to manipulate, they may be issued because the elder parent doesn't know what else to do or say to make things go their way. Their way may or may not be what is best for their well-being. Do what you know in your heart is the right thing for your to do. If you don't, you won't be right with yourself (that doesn't mean mom needs to live with you). Just be right with yourself and if you are unable to provide for mom's safety, work with local agencies to get some help. You don't have to do this alone.

Yikes... (just got booted out of the system after typing in a ton of stuff)...
Shortenend version...
Thank you all for your support which really helped my yesterday.
Went to the library to get a timely interloan library book...
I want to share it with you so it may help you (and 2 others):
Respecting Your Limits When Caring for Aging Parents by Vivian E. Greenberg
When you and Your Mother Can't be Friends by Victoria Secunda
and
Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent by Grace Lebow & Barbara Kane
God Bless you all ...
and, I plan to stay in touch with you.
Love... aka
Lynn "A"

To 2326:
As much as I love my folks, and they don't have any mental issues, I sure wouldn't want them living with me, and visa versa. So saying you don't want your hateful mother living with you, isn't unnatural or anything to feel guilty about I would think. Sometimes guilt is self-induced. Give yourself a break.