I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Lisa,
Thank you for sharing your story. It helps me to see I don't have it bad at all. I am so sorry that you had cancer and had to undergo such pain and fear.My heart breaks for you. Your mom sounds as tho she has had her way most of her life and your brother just doesn't know he has choices. But you do have choices. The worst that will happen is things will remain the same in that household, and there is nothing you can do to change any of it. Guilt seems to be the main "killer" of caregivers. It is only a feeling.That is not to say it isn't a powerful feeling, but a feeling, none the less. I have had to work " to the other side" of that feeling and believe when I say there is a feeling of knowing in your heart and soul you did all you could.That sacrificing ourselves for insanity makes us as crazy as the ones making us crazy!And you apparently have courage and fortitude , and do not need anyones permission to save yourself and your husband and children.Do what you need to do and know that we are supporting you and your health. Life hands us a lot of things that we can do nothing about, and then there are the things we have choices about. Save yourself!!!! Get some peace,Take the time to look at the past and see if anything you tried to do changed anything. If not, again, save yourself. You will be in my prayers. Let us know how things progress. You have already faced the most fearful thing in your life, getting out of there is nothing compared to that.We understand how you feel and support you. God help you in this part of your journey.

I feel so trapped with no way out.It's kind of a long story,so please forgive me.I am a 36 year old mother of 2,ages 17 and 11 and have been married for 19 years.My mom is 65 and my half brother is 25.On and off during the whole 19 years of our marriage,we have lived with my mom.Everytime we move out,she says she is extremely ill and we have to go right back.God bless my husband,he has supported me through it all.My brother is addicted to drugs and has never worked a day in his life.The sad part is that she has done this to him.He has been getting SSI since he was 7 for ADHD and she tells him if he goes to work and loses his check,she will kick him out.He has no friends,she won't allow it.She tells him that he will get out in a car with other guys and get killed in a wreck.He has never had a girlfriend because he is scared of women.She tells him that they will say he raped them and he will go to prison.She won't let him get a drivers license.So he is a hermit.He stays in his bedroom 24/7,either on the computer or playing X-box.He never even goes out to eat,to WalMart,I mean NOWHERE.She takes him to Drs and tells them crap to get him pain pills.There is nothing wrong with him,he's 6'4,200 lbs.He does no household chores.He won't even fix himself food.I always did everything for them.I worked 50-60 hours a week as a certified nurses aide,I did all the housework,cooked all the meals and ran errands for them,I even mowed the lawn.That was all well until June 2006,when at age 33,I was diagnosed with breast cancer.I had 11 months of chemo,a double mastectomy and was left with congestive heart failure,neuropathy and chronic pain.I had to buy a lockbox because he was stealing my pain pills.She has always made me promise to take care of him when she dies.She checked herself into a nursing home last month and stayed for 3 weeks then came back home.She cries constantly and begs me not to move out and leave her.She is just plain nasty and craps everywhere and just leaves it for me to clean up.No one ever visits because nobody likes her she's so hateful.My brothers dad would call to talk to him and she would cuss him out and tell him not to call back.He doesn't even bother anymore,he didn't even call at Christmas and I don't blame him.He used to give him $200-$300 every year for Christmas cause his birthday is Dec 29.She is so greedy,she told him"Call your Daddy and go get that money".She acts as if there isn't a thing wrong with me and that he's the disabled one.This is not even close to the whole story,but I'm sure you get the idea.
I just want some peace before I die.I know the Bible says to honor your parents but where do you draw the line?My health is suffering,my marriage is showing the strain and my kids say they hate her and God forgive me,I'm starting to feel the same.I just don't know where to turn or what to do.

Sometimes I feel like the forgotten ones!! Everybody is concerned about the patient, as we are, and don't realize the stress is actually harder on the caregiver. When we finally end up in the hospital as I have more times than my mom, somebody notices us!!! So much for my pity party........lol!!! Keep on smilin'..........Phyllis

Thank you pro! When I speak to groups of professionals, they are usually in tears when I finish. Many of them, busy as they are being professionals, forget the caregivers and all they are going through. It's so heartening to know people like you are out there.

Take care,
Carol

I'm glad I found this sight. I am a professional caregiver and it helps me to know the anguish of family members in caring for their elderly parent,husband wife,. there is one common thread running through these posts. I see this in almost every case a parent will have several adult children but only one is doing the primary care taking.
after getting to know my client the parent will tell me that they chose that particular
child because they felt that they were more together. or in some cases more trustworthy and responsible. Just wanted to add some consulation and insight to a desperate situation.

Hi, Cat. Mom is better today. Seems to have much better balance. I am waiting because if she needs to see a DR., I will take her to the hospital. Another covering DR. won't work. What they did at our hospital is refuse to allow the local Drs. to have privileges. They hired their own team of physicians. and they work full time at the hospital. It really is not convenient if you want your DR. to attend to you. She is in good spirits, so we are going to wait. Thanks for your concern. I will let you know how things turn out.

Hi Lovingdaughter,
I'm not criticizing, but if you feel your mom needs to be admitted & tested, get on the phone and have the doc or whoever is covering for her/him paged. Waiting till next friday might not be the best for her.
Did you speak to the doc & they told you to wait, or are you waiting because you know they aren't available? I know from personal experience that being the squeeky wheel is not always convenient, or easy it is important if you feel she needs to be checked out to have her just go NOW.....if any doc says wait - tell them you want it in writing and watch how quickly they change their tune.
please take care & let us know how it turns out.
have a peaceful day, but please don't be pushed into waiting if you believe she needs to be in the hospital.

Mom fell on Christmas Eve. I think that she was more embarrassed than hurt. She is very unsteady and may have had a mini stroke in the last month. Dr. is on vacation, so she goes next Friday. I need her to be admitted to the hospital and then tested to really know what is wrong with her. I want her home, but she needs physical therapy. May only get it if she goes to the hospital. Month in a nursing home would do us all some good. She has a good attitude and loves to watch her TV. We pray we never have a power outage!! W just need to be able to get her to the bathroom, chair and bed. Hope we can get her tested soon. I am a little nervous as what the future holds. Happy New Year to you all. Things will get better.

Dear Pkpurs: Well I have to tell you I chuckled about the dog turd..I can just imagine the look on that poor waitresses face!!! Thank God you are letting Hospice come in and give you a weekend away. Don't you DARE feel guilty! You are doing more than a human should be asked to do and obviously doing it with humour and love. You deserve...no you need to do this for yourself. What if you got sick from all the stress and physical labor you do and can't continue? What would happen to your daughter and husband? They need you too. Especially your daughter, if she's hit and cussed at that must affect her so much emotionally, and that's not fair to her. I'm also glad to hear you got SS disability, every little bit helps, doesn't it? It makes me so mad when I hear relatives who live close by don't even call or offer to help. I am an only child, and the only living relative, but fortunately I too have a wonderful husband who is supportive, I couldn't have lasted this long without him. My father also has a friend who takes him out once a week, but he's the same age and his health recently has started to fail. Have you considered a nursing home for your Mom? I know some people think of it as a four letter word, but there will come a time where that might be your only choice, and you can still visit as often as you like and be involved in her care as much as you choose. If finances are an issue there are agencies that can help, I've found this website to be a great source of information on that.

Please, please do not feel guilty when you get help from someone else. It strikes me that the caregiving role always seems to fall on the shoulders of one person, which is so unfair. Remember that everything you do, whether she remembers it or not, comes from the goodness of your heart. You're right you cannot make her happy. But don't punish yourself because of that. You are doing so much for her, your husband and your daughter. Now go out on that weekend and do something for yourself! The world will not end I promise! Let me know how it goes ok? Love and blessings to you dear. Hope to hear from you soon.

lostsoul,
I hear you! I am feeling so guilty right now. I have Hospice and they are going to do a respite for me. A weekend. I am so looking forward to this. Last week they came and stayed for us to go out to eat and I felt so guilty, we went to Taco Bell so it would be quick. I enjoyed it sooo much!!! Who would have thought Taco Bell would be sooo fun?!?! It's the first time in months that I went anywhere without my mom. The last time we took her out to a restaraunt, she gave the waitress an dog turd!! She had it hidden in her coat pocket!! She is now housebound. I have been taking care of my mom, who has Alzhiemers, for about 10 years. She has lived with us for about 4 years now and I have been a 24/7 caregiver for about a year.
I have Rhumatoid Arthritis and suffer from Vertigo. The stress has made the RA so severe some days its' all I can do to get out of bed. My husband,(God bless him), helps me sooo much. Our daughter (mentally challenged) is getting the worst end of it. We never get to go out with her anymore. Her and her grandma were so close but now grandma is sooo mean to her. She hits her and cusses her and accuses her of stealing. She doesn't even call her grandma any more. It's that woman. She doesn't understand. We have gone thru all of our savings trying to keep things going. My husband was diagnosed with Hep C and was off work so long for treatment, we lost our house. I applied for SS disability last year and was notified that I was finally excepted!!! Yeah!!!! It will help so much!! Not like a pay check but much better than nothing!! One thing I have learned is, you have to laugh, hon!! My husband has a great sense of humor, thank God. He says mom could hide her own Easter eggs!! She is so unhappy and I think that was the hardest thing to realize. I can't make her happy!! She took care of me when I was little and when I was sick, she gave up so much and I feel like I should do the same but I've finally learned that I can't. I keep her fed and clean and that is all I can do! No body can make her happy!! I have a Gerri chair and sometimes I have to put the tray on just so she can't get up. That is the only way I can get anything done because she follows me evrywhere in the house. Bathroom, kitchen, etc. She has fell several time so now we have the Gerri chair!! I have a half sister and an adpoted sister and several nieces and nephews but haven't seen or talked to them since last year at Christmas when Grandma was still social. They all live within a couple of miles. Heard from no one this year. Quiet holiday at home with my kids and grandkids. Oh well, when its all over, I'll know I did all I could and won't wish I had done more. Wow!!! I have really gone on!! When you start, it seems like it all comes pouring out!! Keep smilin lostsoul............I read here every day. It is my lifeline!! I don't always get on because when I do, ya see what happens.............but reading is great!! We are all here for ya....we may not be "family" but we are here for you!!...........Phyllis

Lostsoul
You don't sound cold you sound human. and you are right, alot of people made poor choices and sometimes we are chosen to make it better. I think I realized the other day that one of the main problems we face is parenting parents. They resent it and so do we. My dad was mean, abusive, unhappy and full of resentment. I did my part the last years of his life. The things I learned about myself were priceless. Lessons I may not have learned otherwise. But maybe your"father" should be in assisted living or a nursing home. I don't know how our lives get so messed up while caregiving, but it happens to all of us.
I am grateful you found this sight also. There are many who feel the way you do. And all of us are here for you. Others will agree that you are simply one tired, overwhelmed human. Find ways to take care of yourself and breathe, don't forget to breathe.
Let us know how you are doing and this is the place to rant. One big cyber-hug for you and you will be in my prayers.

Thank God I have found this website. I am so sick and tired of everyone telling me how wonderful an opportunity it is to be a caregiver. It sucks. I have lost my job, my home, and almost my marriage to take care of someone who is my "father". He is biologically my uncle but has no one else. I hear everyone's pain here. But the pain needs to stop...when do we realize that we're not responsible for the bad choices others have made to get themselves into their current situations. Or are we responsible for their failing health? No. As their children they had a responsiblity to take care of us because they brought us into this world then we had to make our own way. Now we're supposed to give up our health, jobs, and life to take care of them because they had us? I don't remember my "father" ever wondering whether my grandmother was taken care of. She died and he just came to the funeral. Now I get his mail, clean his house and make sure he has his medications (oh and his bourbon too). Enough is enough. I have talked to my children and told them I will have long term health insurance and I will NEVER put them through the agony, pain and lonliness I have had to endure because someone else (and society) thought I should be responsible for someone else's lack of planning. Sorry I sound so cold...but there's just enough some people can take.

Christmas blessings to you, lovingdaughter, and to all caregivers who post on this website. Someone mentioned a heavy heart that goes hand-in-hand with caregiving. Given the daily challenges so many of us caregivers face, a heavy heart is understandable, and as just about everyone has suggested in your own unique ways, tomorrow is another day. Like you, lovingdaughter, when my Mom is not feeling weel, I always feel her absence. It is a stark reminder that I will most certainly miss her if she were to die before me. "And the greatest of these is love...." Hope everyone found moments of peace this Christmas. Thank you all for being here.

Merry Christmas and a happy, safe New Year to all of you. This is the first Christmas we have not gotten together with family. It's kind of a sad time but tomorrow is another day. My daughter (mentally challenged) doesn't quite understand but she seems to be handling it. I think she gets the worst end of it!Next year is another year!! Keep smilin.......Phyllis

Cat, you've always got some amazing contribution to these sticky questions. Thanks for your input.

All I can do is say "ditto" to what you wrote.
Carol

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays to all - hope everyone has a peaceful restful holiday!


*** myvoice2.....happy holidays, I was wondering if you have spoken with your canadian rel's and evaluated your options on sending your m-in-law across the border. According to a canadian relative I spoke with today, the waitlist is pretty long and she would need to re-establish residency if she has been out of the country a while. Does she rec'v a canadian pension - or american SS? It was also mentioned that if she has dementia and is unable to navigate the system herself you would need to obtain an affidavit of responsibility signed by the relatives she would be staying with until there was an opening available for her. You are probably better off applying for medi-medi here in the states.

Merry Christmas to everyone who reads these messages. sunshinecaregiver, heavy load, miak, alicemb, mlv3000, lindam, sandy4409, dimsie, heavyload. Hope tht you all remember the meaning of this holiday. We are all blessed to have the ones we love with us. It is a difficult road that we have taken, but one that we really will not regret. Mom fell today, two Christmases in a row. The local squad came and got her up. We cannot lift her, too heavy!! She is OK and it remindes me that I do not know what I would do without her. May God bless and give you all peace. Merry Christmas.

heavyload, you are making the right decision for you. When you find a good nursing home, staff will be able to do more for your Mom than you are able to do for her. There comes that day....

Try to leave the guilt behind knowing that you have done your best. You are only human. In any relationship we occasionally become annoyed or angry with each other. As I see it, caregiving is no different than any other relationship where we are not perfect. Don't judge yourself harshly for having made the decision to place your Mom in a nursing home. Hope you find a good nursing home for your Mom and one that will allow you to take a deep breath once you place her there.

Hi Everyone. Well I went and did it. I lost my cool with my mother last night, and now she is in bed crying, won't get up,won't eat. I have been under a lot of stress(job, new house etc.). I knew something was going to happen because I could feel it and knew it wouldn't take much to get me upset. She got out of the shower with no help!!It's a wonder she did not fall and kill herself!!I let her know how I felt about this. She started to cry and said she would go live someplace else.That was it for me.I will be looking into a nursing home starting today. I have talked to my sister and she is in agreement. I still have to talk to my Mom, since I had to go to work today. I just can't take it any more. Part of me is happy that I made a decision, but part of me feels so guilty. I did tell her I would take care of her as long as I could when she came to live with me, but I'm not sure she remembers that anymore. Wish me luck with this one. I sure am going to need it.

thanks for the advice some times its nice just to see your name maybe the advice isnt much but just to have people who care enough to post directly to you is enough. no my kids are 10 and 5. its a private school. i talked to my husband he doenst get it at all he says to just ignore my dad easy for him to say ne never gets the brunt of dads anger like i do . So im not going to do any thing for my dad no laundy no paper devievery no ride to church on sunday NOTHING. and the next time he blows up which he will then i will be out of here . let him go to a home I cant take it any more. why does life hae to be so hard and yes i too have seen a counsler they dont tell you straight out what to do they just try to help you figure it out on your won but you have to pay big bucks .so for now its quite the kids are off of school till jan 6 i will have fun with them and just try to enjoy them and the season the new year is comming and this i promise i will not be in this situtation next year at this time . I maybe dead but i will not be here. dont worrry unless its my time i will not do any thing to my self im a very strong person i can handle any thing i could leave with nothing but my kids a full tank of gas and 2 hundred bucks in my pocket and i would be happy and would survive i have survived with less. have a great week end i will check in later. miak

Hello Everyone,

Miak, we feel for your situation as I have been their before and often. Sometimes I don't know how I get through a day but I do and not without stress. Well my dad is in the hospital and I am letting his brothers take care of it for the first time. He is their because he stopped taking his meds that enable him to think clearly. The doctor confirmed that is what is wrong with him and he has to know I will not allow this manipulation any more. He wanted me to stay home from vacation. I cannot be with him 24/7. He is only 65 years young and wants me to be with him all the time. Well after this stay in the hospital he will know that he is wrong in doing this just in time for Christmas.

Listen I feel sorry because their are no more children around but if he had not treated my husband like crap for the last 15 years maybe he could have been able to go traveling with us sometimes. But dad has always been mean and I did not do that. I carry around the fact that I am the only person in the world that cares about him. I have 3 sisters who have not helped once in the last 5 years.

The responsibility of being their for someone who is slowly loosing his ability to think, do things, walk, and take care of himself. I feel so heavy hearted daily with this. Because if I don't do it no one else will and I don't want to end up like that. I have always had friends but no children and I think of myself but I right now have the peace of mind along with my husband to take care of this in advance. My dad just says who cares anyway just plant me when I explore the idea of a will, or a hospital concent in case he cannot make decisions. He just won't decide anything.

I just don't want to have to force him to do anything he don't want to do except if his health and person is in danger if he stays alone.

Merry Christmas everyone I hope you are all blessed--we do a lot but I know it will come back to us someday.....Alice

Miak,

I so know the feeling of wanting to die to get away from this hell hole that we all are in. If only I could give you advice, but I don't have an answer for me either. The counselor I go to, helps a little, but not enough to get me by. All I can tell you Is try to stand your ground and let it known that you do not like doing this any more. I tell my parents that every day, If they don't get it, it helps me to feel like I am getting something off my chest.

Love,
Marylynne

Despiration, yes this too shall pass.

What kind of a care home is you mother in? A good one should be one where you could go every other day, and she'd still be safe. You can't keep this up and ruin your marriage and your health. Your mother wouldn't want that, if she could have decided this before. Just remember what you would want - would you want your kids to go through this for you? There's a point where you have to turn more care over to others. You are still a caregiver, you are just getting help. Get to know the staff and gradually start to draw back a bit before you collapse. Please keep coming back to talk it out.

Carol

miak, are your children in college? Is it college tuition to which you are referring? Sandy has given you great advice. Counseling could be a first step in your road to "save yourself." If the home in which you live holds horrible memories for you and you can afford your own space, your mental health and emotional wellbeing need to be at the top of your list. Are your children of working age? If they are, maybe it is time they started helping Mom.

Plase see a counselor or therapist. You seem to be deeply depressed, and this can be really bad for you, and just as bad for your kids. Your kids need their mother. Take care of YOU! Kids are much more resilent than adults. You are their rock. To care for them, you must care for youself!
God Bless, and Merry Christmas!

hello wow this sight is always a reality check for me. things are comming to a head here i talked to my sister she basiclly said that thnigs will continue as they are as in no meds for dads dementia or if i move out becasue i cant take it anylonger then she will put him in assisted living. my kids school told me that becasue im behind on my school tution athat i must have 1,600 by friday or they can not come back after winter break. i tried talking to my husband but he fell asleep while i was talking . my dad told my sister " mia and i should avoid each other and i will stay quite." how is that possible he has dementia yea today he good but what happens when he has a crazy day and yelling a screaming at me like a raving lunitic it will happen its just a matter of time. im so tire of this life he only screams at me. his friends brings him the sunday paper well this sunday his friend didnt show up all my dad said was Oh kenny must be on vacation but when i forgot im nothing put a dirty ass spic im so sick of nobody standing up for me my husband wont. and neither will my sister . so here is sit and here is my queston to you who are in this same boat. do i take the 1.300 i have and give to to my kids school or do i use it to get an apartment with my kids ? I cry most days no matter how i try al i get is shit on i se to thing about his death now i think about is my own i use to want to hit a tree with my car with him in it but now i just want me to die. im pretty sure if i stay here another 6 months i will die , im 60 lbs over weight my bp is high and with all this stress i bet i have diabetis. ( had it with 4 pregnacys over weight and hispanic ) pretty sure its comming down the pike at me. i feel like there is no one to protect me just like when i was little and there was no one to save me from the mother who tied me up in the basement im back in the same house only now the abuser is him god save me what have i gotten my self in to. this house holds so many horrible memories why did i think i could handle this. i guess i will have to save my self again. what is more important the school my kids go to or having a mother. I will ask god to show me the answer in the morning . maybe i will die in my sleep and finally i can get away from this hell. miak

my message seems to have been cut off. Go on vacation, spend time with your spouse. If your parent was thinking clearly, that is what they would really want for you. Good luck

To desperation and alicemb,
If you don't take care of yourself, no one will!! If your parents are pulling your strings and you are aware of it, only you can put a stop to it. Stand your ground and don't let them manipulate you. Tough love is called for in both these situations. My brother tells me he knows how hard it is to take care of mom

You are among us that are so tired and at the end of the rope!! I feel for you I know exactally what you are going through.

I just got dad set up in a new apartnment and today he went over their with no shoes (in the snow) on, not bathing in weeks and told the landlady that the FBI was all over his apartment and she had to get them out. They called the police on him and took him to the hospital because they thought he was crazy. I am leaving tomorrow night on vacation and he stopped taking his meds about 2 weeks ago so that he could cause a big hospital stay.

His ways of doing things are unbelieveable, When I told him he better not quit his meds because then he would act crazy he said it did not matter because no one cared anyway. I told him he always pulls something right before I have to go away. He is doing this to himself because he is bored and wants attention.

After 5 years of this I have had it, I am so tired physically and mostly emotionally, I am in a constant panic with my husband getting mad because he knows my dad is just seeing how much he can pull me away. He drank for 40 years now he wants me to watch him day in and out. I cannot do it 24/7 no more. I cannot be their all the time to watch him takes meds and do everything for him. He was doing fine for a long time now I get him settled in a new place and now he makes himself sick.

I don't know what to do but I think his brothers are going to have to pitch in and take care of him a while maybe then someone will see all that he is doing and help me put him in assisted living. Unless of course they want to watch him all the time.

I love him dearly but this is to much for one person to take so believe me when (desperation) you are going through this it is some relief to know we are not the only ones. We deserve gold metals for all the work we do but we never get it. Because all those family members who do nothing don't know what the feeling is like day in and out on a regular basis. Remember to take care of yourself. I am going on my vacation--perhaps a social worker will step in if I am not their to be with him.

Sincerely,

Alice

I am now all my mom has. She is in a nursing home, with severe aphasia, wheelchair bound, with dementia. I have been actively taking care of her since 2001. First as a long distance caregiver, going every other weekend then staying with her then bringing in paid help then moving her near me in an assisted living then when she broke her hip...to nursing home. She has been in this one for 20 months. I am so tired. I go and have been going 5 days a week. the other two I hired a lady to go for mealtimes and bed time and pay her 15 an hour...60 a weekWhen will this end. I am always crying for the both of us. My marriage is a mess, my kids grown and in another state....I work full time and my life is just nuring home and work....I am so tired....Really tired in body and soul. I am so sad. This is too much for me but I dont have the courage to end it for either of us.