I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

What state do you live in? They sound fishy to me. I think that you really need an advocate. Look for elder care lawyers or one that specializes in disability cases. I have an aid for mom two days a week 2 hours each day for as long as she has an occupation therapist or visiting nurse come to the house. Do you have any Federal programs that you can look into? Look up the office on aging. Yell like the dickens. I have found that the louder I complain, the more services we get. Good Luck.

lovingdaughter- thank you but when ever I ask for help I am told to apply for medicaide and then I will get a lot of help but others in our state have found that is not true one of my friends was suppose to get 4-5 hrs each day for her mother and only got about 1 hr. or less a day. but going to a lawyer is a good idea the next time he is in the hosp. My pt therapist told my spinal specialist -do you realize she is caring for a disabled husband and the doc asked her why she was getting involved, unbelieavable one social worker told me to move to another county-not is not an agreeable option

Have you consulted a lawyer? It does not have to be expensive, but can cut through the red tape. You need an advocate who can help you.

Our county has cut down on home care the last time the husband came home from the hospital we got turned down even without being acessed-they did not even care that I need help at times with ADL's

AARP sounds like a good idea. How about a community church? or house of worship? If you have been recently hospitalized or have had physical or occupation therapy in your home, you are eligible for a home health aid for a period of time. I get services for mom when she has had any change in her condition. I make her Dr. apply, and have never been turned down. Hope that helps.

Unfortunantly our office for the aging in our county is not at all helpful we can't use the paratranist bus because we live 1 and 1/4 mile from the bus line and we have to be 3/4 mile from it and we can't get assistance with aides because we earn too much money with social security I am thinking of joining our local AARP group and getting involved-imagine little ole me speaking up'

I guess we all haves been so busy getting by day after day. My mom has had physical therapy in the home, an occupational therapist and social worker. The social worker from the hospital suggested that I contact the Office on Aging . They said that she may get free help. In NJ it is called JACC. That sounds good to me. Each state has a program, but sometimes the information is hard to pin down. I have found the the best source of information is the social worker connected to your local hospital. Hope that this helps some of you. Best wishes.
Loving Daughter

Thank you all for your words of comfort and support-andmost of all friendship Sidney.Lindam and Loving daughter I will listen to you all you all are my lifeline-bless you all

Sorry about your back, you really should take care of yourself. If you get the oppur. to go have someone take care of you..do it!
I had surgery an came home 2 days later mom fell on the ice, I know it wasnt her fault but so much for me getting rest and healing! Now I go back to work Monday YIPPIIIEEE!!! I am so glad!
take care

Thanks for the good wishes on my dog's behalf. She only weighs 18 pounds, but I think she is part garbage disposal!!! She is OK now, but the flashlight is history! Mom's occupational therapist didn't show up today. Not really so surprised. We have doubled her Parkinson meds and she is doing better. Austin, do what the dr says. My dad had fractures due to osteoporosis. Very painful.. He has in a nursing home for a month. Throw a tantrum in the hospital when they try to move you!!!! Don't go until you have been there 3 days and get your dr. to send you to a facility where you can get the help you need. Praying daily for you and everyone who writes in to this site.

Austin,
You be a good girl and do what the dr. says. The long term affects of you not taking care of your back is not worth it. Who is going to help with your husband if you have the surgery? They can help out with things later also. You take care of yourself and do what is necessary.I'm praying for you to have the courage and strength to follow thru as you need to. Let us know what is going on.

My spinal specialist called today she reviewed my back xrays and found my fractures were worse- I bite my tounge so I did not say no shit- sorry newcomers- I am usually more ladylike so I have to see a surgeon for minor surgery but if he can't keep me in the hospital for 3 days so I can go to rehab it is a no go-I am not going through all that and comming home to taking care of the husband and housework shopping etc with only 10 hours of help a week-I have lived with this pain for 7 weeks so can learn to tolarate forever if I must- a week in rehab sounds real good or I could rob a bank and go to jail-served 3 meals a day and lots of free time-I am so ready.

Thanks loving

Hello Everyone,

I had the day with my husband today, I did not go to dads all day but you know he is very bored all by himself. To know that someone is counting on you to be their only social activity day after day is such a huge burden. He is doing 100% better so I don't feel bad any more about staying home.

I cannot believe your dog ate a flashlight--how was that possible? He's just a little thing is he not? I want to get myself a dog one day when I have no other pressing matters like dad. You know I told dad he should get himself a pet because they are very good buddies. I should buy him one as a birthday gift. That's it--if he is doing good still on him birthday I am going to have my sister go in a a dog for him. I think that will be good for him.

Hope everybody is doing good today. Have a good one and take care.
Alice

Thanks Sidney,
Isabella is a 8 month old Shih-Poo, and the love of my life. My grown daughter is very jealous!! She threw up some of the flashlight fragments this morning is at the vets. They are waiting for her to pass the rest. Fun day!!! Mom's physical therapist came today and is sending an occupational therapist to help us get her in and out of bed easier. The transferring from chair to shower to bed is the big issue. Hope your mom is OK. They can treat the aneurysm if they know that it exists. So that is a good things. Good luck and keep writing to us!!

Was having a good morning until my sister showed up, Dad fell and hit his head he hit it so hard he forgot he didnt like me . But that was sunday and as of yesterday he as back to his normal mean hatefull self, he is going to ra rehap hospital dont know for how long hope its forever i was so happy this morning as if a weight was lifted husband at work kids at school and dad going to senior incarseration yea this man would not use a walker because it might make him look old. hah hows that diaper and bib going to look? my sister has now clue how bad he is she telling use in the er hes ready to go he wants to be with mother. haha dad said to my husband when told he shold see some one becasuse he fell he said all he needed was a piece of ass ( sorry not my words) this doesnt sound like a man ready to meet his maker. Im hoping when he gets there he will go down hill fast I know this soulnds mean and for you new people who dont know my story dont feel sorry for him hes a jerk. they cant wait for him to get back to his house maybe i could be put in the home better than being here treated like shit . amazing how fast my happy mood left mia k im going to take a nap i will write you the funny story about his fall and the even funnier trip to the hospital my sister dropped my dad on his back on the way it must have been like the 3 stooges. still make me laugh

Holy cow loving! hope your pups oka!! He's gonna have to poop it out huh? Man I just got a pup after 8 yrs, and being told I could NOT have one, boy have I missed having such a wonderful, loving, compainion. Mine is from the pound hes a basset terrier mix.
We had a good night, found out mom has an Abdominal aortic aneurysm , we have to go get an MRI of it and her head (where she fell on the ice) Doc said the aneurysm is small and they wont even operate on her till its bigger, if mom is a canidate for surgery. Which I think she will be since she got the oka for hip reconstruction. Was interesting reading about the Abdominal aortic aneurysm but very scary, if it was to rupture she would bleed out, that is very unlikely at the size is it is now. If they hadnt done the Xray they never would have caught the aneurysm, which would not have been a good thing, so the fall was a blessing , go figure...

Ok, want to hear my night. We are having an ice storm here on the east coast. My little puppy ate a flashlight!!!! Now I have to sleep next to her all night to see if she is OK. If not, she may need an xray and surgery. Mom is going to be on her own tomorrow!!!!! Oh, and the flashlight belongs to someone else!! Now I have to buy them a new one. Going to have a glass of wine and sleep with my puppy. Night

I love you guys on here! No for the first time in 7 years i relize i am NOT alone! austin good for you and the beer! lol!

Heavyload-you go on that vacation-or I will hunt you down. My husband let the aide go home early due to a snowstorm so I let him fix his own supper and I got a glass of beer for myself and trying to get caught up on my old and new friends. My cat was so cute last night when I had such horrible pain he put his paw in my hand. Since my back has not healed I am going to be a princes and cut down on all ' my work" My doc just did not get it -taking care of a disabled husband- she said what will he do- I said maybe someone else will have to step up- she probably thinks I am a b----TOO bad.

My message got cut off. It is not love when our parents set the guilt traps, but fear. They are afraid of what is coming, the shortness of the days to come and the inability to steer their own lives. It must be very scary. If you want to be alone in your home, can you arrange for her to go to an elder day care facility a few days a week? When mom was able , one of her caregivers would take her shopping and I would stay home. Just loved to hear the silence!! Don't give up; you are not alone.

Mom needs to pay rent. You need to set guidelines. She needs to honor them. I did that with my mom. We too built our house and added an apartment for her. I am a retired teacher and have a pension so we us it to pay the bills. Mom's money pays the property taxes

All this time I thought I was alone! My father passed away last year and my husband and I decided to let my mom move in with us. We sold her house and had a house built to accommodate us. Our 5 children are grown now so it's just mom and us. I'm an only child (50 years old) and now that mom is almost 80, everything comes down on me. I work full-time, come home and cook, clean, etc. She, too, keeps the heat up so high that it's a constant suana in our house. She doesn't pay any of the bills, we buy all of her groceries, and we are on a very fixed income. I don't have the heart to tell her to move so I just keep my feelings between my husband and myself. If I go somewhere, she insists on coming with me. The only time to myself in one day is to and from work (15 minutes each way). She hates it when my husband and I go on a "date" and don't include her. I love her, but I'm exhausted. She took very good care of me when I was a child, but she was younger than I am now. Taking care of an aging parent is the hardest thing I've ever done. Heaven forbid I be alone! We've lived in our house almost one year now and I've never been alone in it. She even arranges things the way she wants them! Ughhhh!

Thank you lovingdaughter for your words, I always feel better after I write here. I am trying not to fight with my husband today about my dad but only half the day is gone so we'll see.

I told my dad yesterday that my husband is making me go to marriage counseling because of all this and he said well maybe the guy will say you should get divorced. I said maybe he will tell me I should not give you any time at all and my husband is right. I hate this situation that I am in--I have to be a nervous reck all the time because while wanting to help my dad my husband is going crazy because he knows as well as I do that my dad uses these things to get his way. But then again sometimes he does need my help and my husband thinks I should just walk away and not see him ever again. How can I do that? I don't know how, maybe the marriage counselor will tell me to do that I don't know anymore.

At least I know I am not the only one who is going through this situation. I am hoping for a smooth day today and hopefully it will turn out that way.

Everyone else take care--I hope your days go good also.

Alice

loving thank you
but she wont change her tune,,90% of the time im very calm dont raise my voice never lose my temper, in fact i really HATE the way i act around her sometimes. I am amazed how much i hvae changed and sometimes i feel like the life, my soul is being crushed right out of me.. I hate it!
My brother use to tel my Mom "Ali's just a free spirit mom" id like to get that "spirit" back , but I am afraid its gone at least hiding somewhere!

Sidney,
Have you told your mom to do it herself if your work isn't up to her standards. If my mom complains, I tell her to show me how she would like it done. Imagine that, she can't. Then I say to her, well then it just has to be done my way and if she doesn't like it, she knows where the door is. She stops because she knows I mean it. Be tough, don't yell, get very quiet. She may change her tune. Good luck,

Marylynn you cant give up girl ya just cant! Your girls need ya an your grumpie ol mom too.
i just got in touch with Central Ohio Area Agency on Aging I dont know if they can help or not but I feel better knowing there there and I am going to call them. Im sure there is an agency in your area call, it cant hurt , it may help!
Seems like most of yaall on here are dealing with way more than I am.
huggs

Today, I am feeling like I could just die. I had a similar situation last night. Big blow out with mom and wanted to tell her she has to leave. I can't literally stand her any more. She makes me so nervous that I want to just give up.

Love,
Marylynne

Morning yaall I read a pretty good little book last nite, "Caregivers reprive". pretty good just a quick read but insightful, at least for me.
Last night was interesting! I went to the post office an took my pup with me an went for about a 45min/ hour walk. When I came home mom was up (since she fell she hasnt really gotten up,her hip hurts has a Doc appt today) an started right in! Huffing about how dirty the house is, what a mess yipyip (house isnt dirty just not done the way she wants it done) I was like wow.... oka, so I fed my pup an went into my room. When I came out she had thrown the coffee filter w/grounds! "she said they "fell" Okaaaaa Then she just yipyipyipyip, id had enough and told her "look Im making your meals my meals doing laundry cleaning the house taking care of your dog an mine and hellooo! I just had surgery too! So if the house isnt "pristine" OH WELL!" I figured she was feeling well enough to get up and pick up she could pick up her mess too!! (I came back later and finished cleaning it up)
My God ! why are they soo... why are they like that!!
Its not even that I want to live away from her, i just cant do that, but shit a little emphathy would help!

Alicemb,
Someone said to me the other day, " When it is no longer safe for you or your loved one , then it is time to go to a facility that can make things safe for both of you." I never thought of it that way. Taking in our elders can make us feel that we are doing the right thing. But sometimes, it isn't the best for both of us. My mom fell on Christmas Eve, and though she was alright, I realized that the day is coming when she will be too much for me to handle. Unfortunately, our health system is not designed to help the caregiver. Most times it is only good for the HMO and whoever is lining their pockets!!! My Dr. said that the only way I can get her into a facility for the therapy she needs( Parkinson systems), is for her to break a leg or hit her head and be unresponsive. Just being weak is not a reason!!! How many times does she have to fall before she really hurts herself?
Yes , you are right, the elderly are really only focused on themselves. I hope I remember all this if I live to her age, 87!! Hang is there Alice, you are in our prayers and thoughts.