I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all your kind and welcoming words. It is so good to be able to vent and share all of our frustrations with people that understand. So many people I know have no clue what a caregiver goes thru, only those who walk a mile in our shoes do!
As far as my mom, I really need a babysitter since she only takes 2 meds a day, she can walk to the bathroom, feed herself, read and watch tv. (Although she can't hear well). I have tried finding someone but most aides around here are more for medical help and very pricey.Besides I would be paying for someone to just look at her. She told me she doesn't need anyone to talk to.
My mom says every day that she doesn't want to be here anymore(live I mean) but the more she says that the longer she will be.
She is now on a pain patch that helps a little but that doesn't stop her from complaining about my cooking, way of doing things, parenting, etc. To be honest, she has always had high standards for others and herself so I am sure that is part of the problem.
When she says that she prays not to live any longer I find myself praying the same thing then I feel guilty for thinking it.
Such a vicious cycle. There are so many other stresses in my life right now that add to the big one....caregiving.......
I pray every day for patience to get me thru the day but I seem to lose it before the day is over.
Sorry I am ranting but thanks for letting me vent.
Oneandonly

One and only,
When your mom says that she does not like the way you do things, just say to her" But mom, you taught me to do it this way!" " I am just following your example." My mom tried to control me, but we put a stop to it just by saying a few things that made her think about what she was saying.
Have you looked into care-giving agencies? We have a chain here called Comfort Keepers. They are really fantastic. You local hospital has caregivers that you can get for a reduced rate. Look into your church and see if anyone want to make a few dollars a week. That is how I found my 2 private helpers that I paid cash,, and one was an LPN who was very reasonable. Good luck

lovingdaughter - Good Answer!

I have not told my husband that I talked to the social worker at the hospital he is in about going to rehab I am walking softly and carrying a big stick this time and also told to see the orthopedic and ear docs thia time so when he comes home I will not be draging him to every doc for this or that. And since he just loves to yell at me I keep the visits short- at least in this hospital they are not trying to throw him out after one day and said he could stay until I have my surgery on Mon-when the social worker tells him he is going to rehab it will be the shot heard around the world but too bad he is not even getting out of bed yet and it has been 3 days so he will be weak but this time I am keeping my thought to myself he will blame me but it is him that is not trying to help himself. He just loves being waited on hand and foot.

Good for you. It is amazing how selfish our loved ones become when they are the ones in pain, but fail to see the pain we are in. I hurt my back today and just have not had the time to go to the Chiropractor. I told mom that I was going to use the jetted tub for a while to see if it helps. She said she wanted a dessert before I went. I said" did you not hear me?" " I am sure you just said after the tub, right?" She said oh, yes after. Just doesn't that beat all. Selfish, selfish, selfish!!!!!!!!!! Hope all is well with your surgery and that you are blessed with a quick recovery. Take the time that you need and do not rush your husband home. He will get the care he needs while you get the rest you deserve. DON"T BACK DOWN!!

lovingdaughter

Austin,
I am very glad to hear you are getting your surgery done. Take care of yourself and let us know how things turn out. As for the husband, you know him and what to expect, so no surprises there. Just do what you need to do to get healthy. God Bless

Dear Austin, praying for God's hand to lead the Doctor's in surgery, and for your swift recovery. Also praying for you in this difficult situation with your husband, that God will help with all the details. If you could just rest in his care, and not worry about your husband. Thank goodness the hospital is on your side. Is that where your surgery will be? Will they be sensitive to your recovery needs afterwards as well? Hope you have a peaceful weekend, a please let us know how it all works out after Monday.

Loving daughter- Lindam and Anne thank you for your kind words and support and prayers, I will be at a different hospital thank God once we were both pts, at the same hospital while he was in the ER getting admided and bossing me around with this and that I fell and fractured my head and was also admited and my son thought I should spend time with the husband and was in for two days and then after going home continued to visit him with out thinking of myself and did not earn any points with him. They finally decided that his leg is indeed fractured and will put a brace on it and start PT so that should clinch him going to rehab- I felt very quiltly for not telling him I have been speaking to the social worker -he will have a hissy-fit when he finds out on Mon. but I will not be there. but I will not take him home if he can not ambulate on his own and we pay big bucks for the insurance for rehab on top og medicare. He never even asked how I was feeling- it is for sure all about him.

Just know that we are here for you as support and by our prayers. You are loved, by strangers, but our hearts go out to you. Hopefully you don't feel so alone, because even though we have never met, we truly do care about you. Perhaps you can talk to Social Workers at the other hospital too, to make sure you have the support you need for your healing, and help in the home if necessary. Regardless of what happens to him, I only hope you get the help you need for you. Keep us posted, and know you are covered in love and prayer.

Austin,
I hope you know we care how you feel and we will be with you in spirit when you are going thru your surgery. I hope you have some help when you get home! Guess your husband will be in rehab for awhile, so you take care, rest, and get strong for yourself. We will be thinking and praying for you. God Bless

Dear Austin, That is wonderful news. How old is your husband and does he have dementia? or is it really all about him. I am so glad he is going into rehab and that you are having your surgery. You know, you could not keep up the pace you have been going if you neglect yourself. Take this time God has given you and use it for you. Think about you! relax, you won't be able to get around for awhile either so hope you have some of your favorites on hand, read a book, crochet, embroider whatever it is that you can sit and relax with. I to hope you have some help when you get home. do you belong to a church community sometimes they will bring meals and some of us ladies, will tidy up the house, do laundry, run errands, etc to help a friend in need. It is good to have that church family. I belong to the Church of Christ and the members in our congregation are the most giving and the most loving of any I have ever seen. Thats what I get for living in a small town and so happy to. We are always there for each other no matter what men and woman alike. May God bless you and the hands that will perform the surgery. And please know that everyone on this site is praying for a swift recovery and some well needed you time. Love and hugs Neon

Austin,
Today is Monday, the big day. How are things going with you? Let us know how the surgery went and how your husband is. God Bless

Lovingdaughter

Austin, my prayers go out to you, that you have a swift recovery, and much needed rest. Take Care! Big Hugs, nauseated

Austin, our thoughts and prayers are with you. Sometimes the only way caregivers seem to get "rest" is when they are ill or injured. It's a terrible truth that people (other than caregivers) don't recognize.

Blessings,
Carol

We're praying for you and awaiting your updates. Hope you are doing well! Anne

Dear Heavyload.
I had the same problem about 1 year ago, and I know how terrible it is, so I know as well how you feel. My dad and my mother in law moved out of my house, after 4 and a half years living in a nightmare. My mother in law used to fill every free space in their room with old stuff, papers, food, even garbage...the smell at home was so disgusting, but they are our parents so my husband, my son and I, beared the situation although we had arguments for everything almost every day.They finally decided to try my Mother in Law Assisted Living Facility and they liked it because the place is really good, clean, full of different activities. Their apartment has 3 bedrooms and two bathrooms and they have 2 of the bedrooms and a bathroom but share the living room and a kitchenette with another lady, and everybody is happy right now. We also decorate their apartment in colors and things that make them happy. The apartment is at 7 Floor, they have assistance in the cleaning, washing the clothes and eating...they eat three well balanced meals every day in a very clean dinning room...You can look around your area and do your research in order to find a good place that fits your expectations...you will see.

Dear ladymom59,

I took my mother to an Assisted Living Facility prior to our going on a vacation so that she could tour the facility. She was not happy, but does realize that my husband and I need this vacation and we need to place her somewhere safe. I am hoping that she finds out it is not so bad and we will be able to place her every once in a while so we can have some time alone. I am happy to hear that your loved ones are doing well and have adjusted to the ALF.

Sometimes I feel like I can not handle my mom any more, and the rest of my family feel the same and sometimes she acts very helpful and wise... Really, some days better than the others. I don't want to be my mom's slave but I'm so thankful to her for every help she gave me, that's why I'm sure I'll never send my mom to nursing home. I'll take care myself.

Hello everyone,

I hope that Austin is doing well with her surgery. I am glad she will have the time to herself. I know how important time alone is but surely after a surgery it will be so important for her to be able to recover without the extra burden of taking care of others. So I hope she is doing good and resting and getting better. Good luck Austin hope you are back soon.

I am doing good, my dad broke his arm again--always something but its nothing new so we just continue to go on and do what we do. Hope everyone if feeling good and taking care of themselves.

Talk soon, have a great day!!!

Alice

Dear Vividnew,
I think you are very good person, but I think is not matter of to be a slave of your parents, it is about to take care of them and have quality time with them and with your family too. My dad used to help me a lot and I miss him, but two women that are not sisters or mother and daughter cannot live in the same house, otherwise it will become in a battlefield. In your case is easier, it is your mother living with you, in any way you learned from her all the ways you have to do your duties, to handle your family, housekeeping etc. It does not have to be the same but most of the times it is. In my case is my mother in law, which is very difficult person to live with

I am sorry for the interruption from my comment, this is the continuation:

...In my case is my mother in law, which is very difficult person to live with; and on top of that she is married to my dad, who is technically her slave, so it was very hard to me, watch and do nothing, watch the dump she made of my house, and do nothing. Even my husband who is her son of course, and a very good husband, did not say a word to his mother, but he was visibly upset and discharged in our son and me all his frustration. There was the time that I rejected to be home! That is not right, not for them, not for us.
Although we did not send them to a nursing home; they realized that they have to try by themselves having their own space and went to try. Fortunately, the place is very good and they are very comfortable there. Now I can say it was good for the family and our relationship are the best. We go to pick them up the weekends, and some of the weeknights because the ALF is pretty close to our home, and expend quality time with them. Finally, I can see them very happy, so we are.

This is beautiful news! Families get torn apart, as yours was starting to be, when things get too difficult. Often, separate living spaces are necessary for everyone. It's a hard move, but people adjust and are very often happier.

Thanks so much for writing and keep us tuned.
Carol

Hello Carol, thank you, and I hope you are doing good. It is a shame we can not post pictures in this web site, but I would like to show the pictures of my parents in their place.
Regards,
Margarita

I can so relate to what you all are saying. My mom is 85. She has a mobile home behind our house (we live on about 3 acres). We moved her up here and sold her home after she electricuted herself in the basement (doing something she would have never done a few years before) and spraying her bed (sheets pillowcases and all) with an outside bug spray. Needless to say it almost killed her. It's been hard for her to adjust but I do have her going to the Senior Citizen's Center for lunch most days. She still drives but only to certain places. I don't want If I try to tell her something that we've already done, talked about, seen she acts like I'm lying. It drives me crazy, I know it freaks her out that she might not remember things but why would I lie? I try not to push the issue unless it's about something I have to but it's still hard. She thinks she can handle all her bills and things (which I was taking care of) but she has ruined her credit because of not paying bills. But I finally turned it all over to her and decided if they turn her electric off maybe it will be a wake up call to her. Of course I'll have to document it or she'll forget it happened. She is very demanding of my time and gets angry if she's not the center of attention she is jealous of her great grand kids. At times she tries to do better, other times no. I have to go into the office just to get peace to work. But saying all that I realize at this time I'm not having as hard a time as some. I am trying to be more grateful. i am having an issue that I could use help with: she doesn't bath regularly and wears heavy perfume or powder which mixed with body odor and/or sour clothes(?) is not pleasant. It drives my husband crazy. How do you broach this subject? I don't want to make her feel bad and I don't think she realizes because her sense of smell is not very good. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks for letting me vent.

Hi lesham, that is a tough one, when I was taking care of my mother inlaw towards the end before she went to Nursing Home, I would get her into the tub. she had already broken both her hips and recovered remarkably well, since she had mini strokes and Alzhiemers than we graduated to the tub chair which she did not like she wanted to be in the water so when it was time for her to get out I would take my clothes off except for undies and get in the tub after the water drained out and lift her up get out of the tub and than assist her out and help her dry off, than jump back into my clothes and slightly close the door and let her take her time to get dried and dressed. As for hair and nails I could never do it to suit her so took her at my own expense to have hers done would love to afford to have mine done but thats okay it made her happy and something to look forward to. The only thing that bothered me was I had a 16 year old son at home and she would run the bath and run around naked until the tub was full. LOL I told her she was ruining it for my son but God Bless him he understood. One day we ran up to the store to get bread and we were in and out of the store back home I know in no more than 7 minutes and we opened the door and staring us in the face was a bare behind leaning over the tub, bathroom door wide open we just stopped and laughed and my son said Mom looks like the hind end of an elephant. I hope this has given you a little info on what to do with your mom ifworse comes to worse hide the perfume or dump it and put something else in the bottles I can only imagine sour, perfume, unwashed how that smells God bless you in your efforts to create a loving environment for you mom. neon

Hey, Austin- How are you doing? Let us know how things turned out for you, You are in our prayers.

lovingdaughter

Neon, I am rolling! Reading your post, God bless you and your son! Keep us all laughing! My Dad is finally taking more showers, but not changing clothes enough. I bought this can of AXE body spray, and spray it on his clothes after I wash them and stick them in the closet. It doesn't seem to stay though, and no matter how much I clean the room, change and wash the bedding, the room still has an odor. I'm puzzled! I shaved his head last week, it took me over an hour to get all the hair off, but when I did I noticed an accumulation of gook behind his ears which accounted for the stale odor coming from his head. I said Dad, when was the last time you washed behind your ears? He says I wash my hair with water. LOL I said take a wash cloth and scrub as hard as you can behind the ears. I also told him to use shampoo instead of water. LOL When he came out, he was bright pink behind the ears, and smelled so much better. His hair had gotten too long. The girl I took him to last time did a lousy job, and he complained profusely. The girl that did his hair before that, got mad at him for complaining and gave him the weed wack job, hit and miss. I live in a rural community, and there are only two places to get his hair cut, and I didn't want him to cause a scene, so I took the hair shaver and gave him a crew cut. Hadn't had one of those since the nifty fifties. LOL He doesn't have the stale odor he had though. There are some days when I feel so horribly sorry for him, and I cry. Assisted living sometimes sounds so good, but I'm going to have a hard time letting him go there because I will still worry, but I must try. We need family time again, and he could also use some space of his own too. God Bless all of you! Nauseated

Hey Naus, how are you today? suggestion,get some febreeze and spray it all over the room it is not overly powerful, put dryer sheets under the mattress in drawers and closets, get one of those little spritzy things you plug in that gives a spritz every thirty minutes or so I think my favorite flavor is clean linen. That might help , Sad they are like kids aren't they have to ask those questions did you brush your teeth, wash behind your ears etc. But hey if it works and they don't take it too personally, my mother in law used to tell me she wasn't a baby and she had taken her meds for years, yes I knew that but she didn't realize she was taking them too close together and her sugar was up and way down finally I had to take them away and give them to her at the appropriate times. After a few weeks of comlaining she forgot about it and just relied on me to do those things usually after a few weeks they forget and let you take over. No funnies today course I haven't had much t work with here girls. Keep the humor it helps so much and kindness does wonders whether they realize it or not you know you did something kind and it makes you feel better, make that special pudding or meal or whatever it may be put a birthday candle on it and make up a special holiday. Try to pull info from when you did special things with your kids, we used to have chinese my son and I especially when his dad was on the road so I taught him how to use chop sticks andstuff now we cook chinese together but I always get stuck making the fried rice, thats no fun I like to experiment to. LOL what ever makes them happy once I leave they will have lots of memories they will NEVER FORGET ME!!! LOL

Hello everyone,

The odor is a big issue, but you can handle it buying a few boxes of baking soda and placing it hidden into their closet, or in any other hidden spot. Also if you wash their clothes with a cup of Borax, the one that is called Mule Team, is very powerfull to eliminate odors.
I hope this help you.
best regards

Hi Neon, you are so creative, and wonderful, and the funniest ever. Believe me, I have done the febreeze, lysol, AXE, I have a spritzer in the room set on medium doses so I don't poison Dad. LOL I think the dryer sheets won't work if nothing else does. What else is left? LOL If you think of one let me know.

How's everyone else today? I have a long mother story, if you all have the time to read. My Mother was my best friend and a wonderful role model. Despite some of the many horrible stories of her childhood, she made up her mind that she was not going to be like the role models she had. No disrespect to my Grandmother, who I was close to and miss, who died after my Mother. Anyway, my Mom practically raised herself. She would come home at a young age after school, and no Mom, she was in bars all the time. My Mom would have to go looking for her, to get money for food, there was never any food in fridge, no clean clothes, Dad left them when she was little. She would come home from school to find her older brother shooting up heroin with his friends in their bathroom. She decided she was never going to be like her mother or brother, and she was going to be a wonderful mother unlike her role model. Let me tell you she was. I didn't find out what her life was like until I was 16yrs old or so. My Mom used to do her mother's laundry, sometimes her grocery shopping, take her to the bank, doctor etc. Grandma was pretty independent. She was a wonderful Grandma, and I have fond memories of her, unlike my Mother's. My mother said she was a much better grandma than she was a mother. I didn't understand this comment until later. My Mom was impatient with Grandma, and I asked why do you talk to Grandma like that? Boy did she light into me, she said don't you ever ask me that question again. She said I love my mother, but I don't like her. Then she told me why, because Grandma was always fussing over me and my brother, "why don't you put a jacket on that child it's cold outside!", this pissed my Mother off because she barely had any clothes on her back when she was growing up. I said Mom, you didn't have to bite my head off, you could have just told me this. From then on I understood the years of impatience. I asked Mom, why do you do so many things for Grandma then if you feel this way? She responded, "because she is my mother, I Love her but I don't like her. Despite her childhood and role models, she was a wonderful Mother to me and my Brother. She always had a smile, hug, and kiss for me, and breakfast on the table when I woke up in the morning. "Mom I miss you so much!" I am crying right now writing this. So whenever I hear someone say, "oh, they don't know what they are doing, they had such a horrible childhood, they can't help the way they are, and it's not their fault", I say "so what, so did my Mother, but she didn't use that as an excuse to be a criminal, treat people horribly, etc." Sorry, too long I know, but I'm passing all this along to my Daughters, and they to their Children, and so on. Maybe there is hope for this world after all. Smile LOL Nauseated