I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Thanks Mitzipinki and Babalou for your responses. Mitzi: Like you, when I speak my mind, my mother does get indignant, but she does get over it. It might take a while, but during that time my life is peaceful. We've even had family counseling years ago to try to fix things. When the counselor seemed to hone in on mother being the cause of most of the family dysfunction, she got up and walked out. Needless to say, she didn't speak to anyone for a while until she got over it. I think she's just set in her ways even more so now. I did tell her that I need her to go somewhere for a week or two so my husband and I could have a break. I also told her to expect my husband and I to go out every weekend, and maybe overnight. She said she would find someplace to go at those times....we'll see.

Baba, you're probably right about abused children growing up with the guilt necessary to take in an elderly parent. We've been conditioned that we're not worth much, always a disappointment, and not very bright. Although I no longer believe that of myself, I still feel the guilt. I think I feel guilt now because I SOOO don't want to live with her. I resent her because we had to buy a bigger house to accommodate our living situation, we have company all the time because they want to visit mother, and I no longer have the freedom to come and go as we wish. Just typing that last sentence makes me feel guilty. I try to cut her some slack because of her age and her circumstance, but I'm so depressed right now that I can't even care.

When you don't care that's a big sign of a problem. I've encountered that on more than one occasion. I think we feel that having resentment is wrong when in reality it is an honest emotion. The question becomes how to deal with it. Let me ask you something.... why do you have to be around when everyone comes to see her? it's not selfish to leave those that come visit her in their hands while you guys go take care of yourselves. Besides, when no one can find you or your family to meet her needs, guaranteed they will step up to the plate.

Take a deep breath and know you are not alone in this. I'm just so relieved I no longer have to deal with my mother. Now on to some insanity of my own choosing! ;)

My mom is in a nursing home and was transferred there from a rehab center after having major surgery. Her doctor says she has Valcular Dementia. It is mild right now, but I'm afraid it will get worse. She wants to get out of the nursing home and live with me, but I've lived with her before and it did not work out. She was always controlling, wanting everything her way and disrespects my wishes. When she lived with me (7 years total) it was a strain in my marriage too. Back then I didn't have kids, but now I have a 14 year old and a 9 year old. Now with her dementia her personality has been worsen. She seems to not be able to control her words and sometimes actions and says things that can hurt people. In fact, they have her on psychotic medication because she once tried to leave the rehab center. She says if she leaves the nursing home she'll stop taking the psychotic meds, God help us! She's trying to make me feel guilty for not taking her home with me, but I feel if I do it will be stressful for the entire family. Am I a bad daughter?

No, you are not a bad daughter. If your mother has dementia, it will progress. If living together didn't work when she was healthy, it sure as shootin' won't work with dementia. You first obligation is to your children. In addition, you don't owe your mother (or anyone else) an explanation. Why is she in a nursing home? Because that's where she can get professional, around the clock care. Dementia is not for amateurs.

My mom has been living with me, my husband and ten 10 year old daughter for over a year. I have five (5) other siblings who never help any. She stays at home all day messing and is really inlove with my husband and says stuff such as I know your jealous of me and your husband. When I say well that isn't the case he doesnt' even like you, she goes off cussing me (yes my daughter hears this). She literally eats everything she sees and spends her entire check on what she wants and to hell with us. We also support my brother who is in his late 50's but he stays in our extra home and does try to do things at least. My mother is nuts and puts on fuzzy slippers and night gowns and walks around like she is QUEEN of my house and I am done.

I'm in the same situation and also looking for answers. The guilt of wanting to move my mother to assistance living/nursing home is very heavy but I have to consider my wife state of mind and health.

Marco, many of our parents remember the nusing homes of 40 years ago abd shudder. Most Assisted Living places are like cruise ships. Many offer tours with a sample meal in the dining room for the potentoal client and family members. You mihht want to schedule some of these with your mom.

Babalou - that's exactly right. They are like cruise ships that never leave port.

Marco - Expect tours to last approximately two hours, including lunch or breakfast if you're an early bird. Talk to other residents because some of them will love to you about the place. If no one wants to talk to you, that's probably a red flag.

Guilt is not rational. I think you know that. You need to do what is best for mom. You have determined that she needs to move so that's what's best. Your mother needs to be around other people her age. Unless you have always been a multigenerational household, this is not how most people are used to living nowadays.

I agree wholeheartedly. In most areas of the country nursing homes are vastly improved. In some, they are remarkable.The facility I just toured allows visitors 24/7 so that families can stop by at any time. They have a movie theater, cafes and other gathering spots for residents. It's a whole new world (not that more improvements shouldn't always be made) from what our elders often remember.

Also, guilt is not an option. You need to do what's best for your mother which may be that she needs to be around peers and have professionals to care for her. Most households need two working adults and so no one home can stay home to care for the elder. In these cases, nursing homes may be the best choice for elders who need a lot of care.

I'm aware that there are still communities with terrible nursing homes. This usually is due to lax state laws. People need to pressure states to offer quality help for seniors. That, in turn will help everyone.

Take care,
Carol

This too is my big dilemma. My parents live with us, along with my daughter and two grandkids. Full house! My mother has been ill fir many years, herats and lungs failing slowly. We know her time wih us is short which makes this so hard. My dad does nohing to help out at all. I work full time, i am the only one in our house who has employment. The only help i get is from my daughter who goes to uni , is a singke mum. My hubby is quite ill also and tries his best. My moher is getting quite icious toward me and my husband. They have no money and no where else to go. Any suggestions would be aporeciated.

Shez1964 - You will likely get more responses if you start your own thread with this topic. The thread you're posting on is many years old and readers are probably not looking at it much anymore. Good luck!

shez - . Sounds like you need to make some big changes and get mum and dad into a facility. Talk to your local Agency for Aging and also Social Services about your situation and say you can't go on like this. Starting your own thread would help. If you click on the 3 white bars n the upper left you can start a discussion or ask a question. Good luck!

Both of my parents live with me and my husband plus my 35 year old son and his 11 year old daughter and another granddaughter who is17 (four generations)! The main problem is my parents . I'm tired of being responsible for them and have a lot of guilt with my feelings. I'm 61 and my husband and I have our own construction company and I handle all the office work except for income tax filing. I feel like I lost my parents already even though they are still here. We've always had a close relationship but I seem to feel a lot of resentment for them bring here. I'm ready for life to be easier and size down and for me and my husband to have more alone time. Neither of my parents would have taken there parents in. My question is how do I tell them I think it would be better for them to go to assisted living and for me not to feel guilty.

I understand wantout ... I have the same guilt and feel (know) I have been grieving my loss of family and my life for a long time... (some of which are alive... but, I am now pretty dead inside).. I tried all kinds of things ... talking... doing... nothing penetrated.... no one in my 'family' stepped up to the plate... didn't lift a finger to support me for the support of 'our' mother... Holidays will never be the same... while I don't have support to make tough decisions, you do... This is what it will take...

wantout - I'll give you the same advice I gave shez a few posts back. If you want people to respond, you need to start your own thread. This one is years old and most people are no longer looking at it.

What I would do if I were you is wait for the next crisis, 911 call, hospitalization, etc. and use that as the occasion to talk to your parents about their future. Tell them that it's getting to be too much for you and you would like to help them find a senior residence where their care needs would be met. I can imagine it won't be easy and you may get a lot of push-back. Make it clear that you will be around and won't be abandoning them.

This is a tough, tough situation. The typical course of events is that the parent becomes more and more needy and dependent on the adult child for care, while the adult child is becoming more and more exhausted and frustrated with the limitations that caregiving has imposed on them. It's one thing to care for someone who is getting better. It is another to be locked into the needs of someone who never improves but inexorably declines over time. I feel for you. I hope you are able to work this out and get some freedom soon.

Mom and I moved into her home which had been a rental. Going on 4 years now, and I can't take it anymore. She is 86 and I am 63. I've discussed moving and she starts crying. I cannot in good conscious leave her alone. She is very forgetful, cannot recognize pictures of my sister and her family. I have to shut off the breaker for the oven when I leave for work.She forgot she was cooking which caused the smoke detectors to go off. She phones up her friends and I can hear her making up ugly stories about me and disparaging remarks about my boyfriend. I have helped her in every way I can; doctors appts, picking up medication, cooking, cleaning, yardwork, monetarily etc, etc. I've taken her to a beautiful senior living apt which I'm prepared to subsidize. She was on board and then backed out saying she wants to die in her house. She will not allow caegivers in the house. I'm at my wits end!

Hobeclaire - It sounds like your mother needs more care than you with a job outside the home, can provide. I think you need to be firm with your mother and not be swayed by her crying. She will be safer and better cared for in her senior apartment and you will be able to get your life back.

Thank you Carla. I know it will not be easy for me...but I must go through with it. I put a deposit down and her move in is 3/1.

I got to the same point with my mother when I knew it was time for her to move to an Assisted Living home she refused and moved into a senior living apartment complex instead. She couldn't handle taking care of herself, the dog, and apartment space. She was tired all the time could not get the laundry done. And the apartment was really starting to smell because she would not take the dog out to go to the bathroom. She finally had a seizure and they said she could not live on her own and she had to go into assisted living. It was hard to tell her to go. But my husband and I did it. I knew she would fail at living by herself but she is bull headed and would not listen to reason. She is in assisted living now and has had many more falls since and I still have to take care of her when she goes to the hospital. There is no other family around to help me. Her sisters in three years have seen her for a total of 7 days in two separate trips and have decided that she is fine there is nothing the matter with her. She can't remember what day it is and is asking me where her checkbook is every other day, we took it away because she was giving all her money away. When she can't write a check any longer she wouldn't know how to, she has no money and just expects me to come up with it for her. She can hardly read any longer because she doesn't know what many of the words mean or what a sentence is saying. No, I didn't want to spend my life taking care of her. My brother is of no help he is three states away. And she lives for seeing him, the blessed child that can do no wrong. I'm the sh!t in the corner when he is around, and even when he is not. It would be okay, if he would actually help to take care of her. But he doesn't. He has come to see her once in three years for a week. He calls. That's all he has to do. He threw all of her belongings away. Guess who has had to hear about that for the last 3 years. And replace the items that I have been able to. My best suggestion is don't take them in ever. Because even if you can get them out you still have to take care of them. Did my mom or dad ever take care of their parents? NO. Why do I? Will my son take care of me? No. Not on your life unless I want Hannibal Lector taking care of me.

Thanks for letting me vent. It has been a rough week.

My 81 year old Dad lived with my wife and kids after my Mom passed for almost a year. He drove us crazy with his opposite political rants/racism and monopolized every conversation. My kids are still little in elementary school and I feel like I was missing out on their lives, always helping my Dad. It really put a strain on my relationship with my wife. He got mad that I wanted to charge him $400 a month and left. Now he wants to come back and I'm not having it. I feel super guilty although am done being his caregiver. He has enough money to live in a retirement community although is the cheapest man alive and wont sell off his stocks to move in. So, he's angry at me... although I'm learning to live with it. It's crazy frustrating.