I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Txmaggie,
I'm glad everything went well with your mom and the nursing home. Don't exhaust yourself running back and forth constsntly. We ll have to do things we don't want to. We have to think of ourselves and that isn't being selfish.
I haven't written anything in several months but I do read everything. My mom passed 7 months ago. I cared for her for 5 years 24/7. It was my husband (God bless him)!! and myself. My sister and her kids didn't come by because they wanted to remember her when she was happy and healthy (wouldn't we all like that!!)! We have a mentally challenged daughter and it was hard on her because as moms Alzhiemers progressed she didn't know any of us and my dughter didn't understand. We kept mom home and had Hospice the last few months. Heartland Hospice is the best!!! I didn't know there was more than one hospice. I thought Hospice was Hospice. We went thru a couple before we had Heartland. The first couple dropped us because my mom kind of leveled off for a couple of months, which Alzhiemers patients tend to do that towards the end and they didn't think we needed them. Heartland was our last and they were so great!! They got mom a hospital bed so that she was lying on air and that way she didn't get bed sores. They got her a Broda chair so that she wasn't sliding and leaning when she sat up. It also has a bottom that you can lower so that her little botton didn't get so tired!! There is so much out there to help. Spititually and emotionally. Hang in there guys. It's a hard situation but we do it because we love them. They are so scared and we have to remember that!! Well, I have written enough. Thank God for all of you.....Phyllis....

Find a way to make it bearable! Don't turn your back on your parents! Work it out make it work! Use your heads! I know how tough it can be! Look into Adult day care, for a respite during the day! Think of them as children and work it out! If you try this could be a positive time for you! Think positive! When they are gone they are gone and you will wish they were still with you, unless you are completely heartless. This could be a time of growth in you, if you let it. Take one day at a time. The Lord bless you and give you the grace you need to continue in love!

Thank you again to all of you for your support and advice. I checked on mom today and things went well last night. She was a bit confused this morning about where she is, but no real problems. Now I have a question for those of you who have put their folks in nursing homes after caring for them at home. I feel like I've been run over by a train! It kind of feels like a post-adrenalin rush, that let-down you get. Is this normal? How long does this last? Will I ever feel like a normal person again :)?

I think we need to realize, too, that our elder loved ones are losing their power to reason. What seems like a reasonable request to them may be way out of line or impossible to carry out. "I won't be any trouble, just give me a bed and I'll be fine"....We baby boomers are facing some unfair situations. My mother tells me "By the time we die (she and Dad) you will be too old to enjoy yourself." Probably true, but who is going to take over so I can have the freedom to "enjoy myself"?

Diana09,
If you are like me, no one will take over. Useless brother and poor planning on my parent's part will be the death of my freedom and golden years. But I still manage to have fun and have great help taking care of my mother.. All of you who know me know my battle cry: BOUNDARIES. Set them, keep them, and enjoy life while you can!

just remember how scared they are. Nothing makes sense to them anymore. They don't mean to be mean to anyone. It's just because they are scared and don't even know who you are most of the time. Love them while you can. Thinking of them like a child can help because that is really what they are. They are afraid of everything. Especailly of being alone. I just sat with my mom and tried to keep her involved in what we did. I let her help even tho I had to go back and redo everything. You do what you have to. When they are gone..................they are gone and you will wish they were back............I think about my mom every day........about the things she loved like the leaves turning.......the crisp weather..............she use to love to go for rides in the country...........until she got where she was so afraid of everything including the wind.......then we stayed home and enjoyed what we could. It doesn't mean I didn't get frustrated sometimes and agravated but when it's all over it doesn't seem so bad when you think back. Love em while you can cause sooner than you thing, they will be gone!!

Alicemb,
Vent all you want! You have to get it off your chest or you will end up sick yourself!!!

yes i thought dad was going to be gone long ago well that turned into 3 years . haha i honestly think he prob live 10 more years ! he is 86 ...a hellva fighter i say ... i still love him and take care of him . everyday i feel like its getting harder on me and im only 47 .. where is my sister ?? at home all alonesome . she can drive but rather stays home . shes tired gerself andi sure hope i dont end up takin care ofher oh lord nooooo.....

1hardebeck,
I thought mom was a goner so may times She was diagnosd 13 years ago. She was a tiny thing but she held on. She went all the way. The last few days she could't eat. Her brain couldn't tell her throat to swallow anymore so she litterly starved to death. It was awful. I am 59 but a few months before she passed I was in the hospital. Complete exhaustion. Kidney failure, compromised ammune system...................so take care of yourself first. You can't do them any goodif you are sick. My sister droveright by our house but wouldn't stop. My nieces and nephew the sme. Their reasoning was they wanted to remember her healthy and happy.....................unfortunetly, those aren't my last memories. I wish they were. Bu you know what? I don't feel guilty and they do. We alldo what we have to do and the rest is history as they say.......laugh a little, it feels good............Phyllis

My brother would go out of his way to go home so that he would not pass mom and dad's house. His house was a mile to the south and his gas station was a mile to the north. Go figure. You are doing the right thing, we all are. The ones who are not, are not on this site. Bless you all and take care of yourselves. pkpurs is right, if you don't take care of yourself, what good will you be to your loved ones?

Beautiful, lovingdaugher.
Carol

thats the best advice take care of you than you can do anything

Hello. I've been caring for my parents FT in my home for a year and half. I am an only, judged to be easier by many. Maybe. It is heavy, I am "it", there is no one to talk to who even cares. That is the onlies difference. We cleaned their house out, had a sale, moved them, moved things out of our house, organized services they would accept and have worked our arses off ever since. Including when I had my cancer surgery (you would have found me on my hands and knees washing my kitchen floor from their many daily spills). I am washed out.

From what I've told it takes a month for every week of hospitalization, etc. I would have to say that probably exists for caregivers too. My tasks do not seem to end just because they are in AL. I am tired, I have my health due to stress on top of working full time. It is draining... just make sure you learn to take some time for you. And it is not easy to say.... because I'm still trying to do myself.

I do feel guilty, but I'll tell ya what, I'm checking things out after Christmas, where I can get some help. I'm tired of the whole promise thing,,,,, I promised, but no one told me, I was going to be severely abused, and the pack mule for 15-18 hours a day, and never even get out to smell the summer, and worse yet, never even earn a cent. I feel totally depleated, and scarred. Now its time for me to stop taking it, and do something to relieve myself. No help from family,,,, but I'll find some.!! She refused dinner last nite, and told me it was crap, and she wasnt going to eat it, (after she helped herself to 3 butterballs, and soda), so, I let her go to bed without dinner. I didnt insist on her eating, for her health, I just let it go. So many instances, and some very hurtful for me. I'll get some relief, thanks to all for ideas.

My dad's in a facility and refuses to eat. Father-in-law is there, too. No one can force them to eat. But I hear you about getting some help. We did, and we are so grateful for it. What a difference it has made in our lives. Mom is getting help, too. We were doing it all, and it was an impossible job, trying to help someone who fought us every step of the way. Now, we're relieved to get the help they need. Here's hoping you find that same relief, and regain some of your life back. You'll be glad you did!

This past year feels like 10yrs. taking care of her, and a bi-polar ex husband. I am drained. I'll surely research getting in some help here.

Good morning to everyone,

I need to vent every once in awhile and I haven't been on here, but I just about lost it this morning. My m-i-l, who has Alzheimer's, & is 78 yrs. old, called out this morn. Luckily, I was up
at 6:30 am when she called out. I had just fixed my breakfast and was going to let her go on calling (she either goes to the bathroom or goes back to bed). Something told me to not wait until I finished my breakfast, just go see what she wants. I went down and she didn't have any DEPENDS or pj bottoms on. I went inside the gate & found everything on the bed was on the floor except for the bottom sheet and pillowcases. Then I went to get another pair of DEPENDS in the bathroom and found her Super Plus DEPENDS in the toilet and on top of that her pj bottoms and to top that off, a HUGE bowel movement on top of her pj bottoms. I just about lost it and called for my husband. My husband came down and got the floor, toilet bowl and sink. I got the clean DEPENDS on her and changed her clothes. If my husband was working, I wouldn't be able to handle it as well.

Thanks for letting me feel like I can vent.

lach61,--Place her in a nursing home, why are you putting up with that?

Speed Dial Happy Acres NOW!!!!!!!! You are not equipped to handle this kind of care for her unless you are a trained professional. Even if you are , you still need help. My mom has been with us for 4 years and is sound of mind. However, she is incontinent. If she starts to suffer any kind of dementia, she has to go. We are just not equipped to handle that. Good luck.

my dad has dementia , he just whines and cant get up on his own , i have to help him . why send him to nursing home cuz he has dementia i think its rude . i am going to keep him here as long as i can keep him .
of course im not handling him like lach61 is . but my mil is lik ethat she has alz and my bro in law is takin care of her , so i dont know what goes on there but heard she does gets mean .
lach61 ur mil is tryin to do things for herself so u wont have to do it but she does it all wrong . its not her fault . at least shes trying , its like takin care of a 2 years old whos potty train ,
bless her heart , just bite ur tonuge and go on do ur job , cuz someday youre be doing the same thing ....

Does your mom have special needs? Alzheimers? or is she perfectly healthy? If she is impaired, you might want to try Adult Day Care. Hours are usually 8-5 M-F, just like child day care. They may have transportation available, and they have all kinds of activities that are stimulating like music, yoga, arts and crafts, games, etc.

Is there a reason you don't want her with you? Is she a burden financially? Perhaps you can hire a part-time caregiver to help you out. Some people just drop their parents off at nursing home because they feel inconvenienced, and that's the wrong approach. If it's because it's too emotionally and financially stressful on a family, then there's good reason. There are so many other options and nursing home should be the last resort unless they are totally incapacitated. That's my two cents.

It isn't rude, it is reality. If you can't handle the person who is so sick and needy, you are not doing them any good. You are putting their safety in jeopardy. We would all love to take care of our family members and make their last days peaceful, but the reality is that we all can't do it. Some people require more care than we can give. So, put him or her in a safe facility where they can get the Professional help they need and that you need to make them safe.

Lovingdaughter-thank you for the back-up.
I'm 70 years old, my Mom is 93 and without the NH, I would be in a big mess.
I do get tired of people knocking them, I go see my Mom often and have never seen anything go wrong. I'm sure things do but I know their better and know more about how to handle her dementia then I would.

Nance,
You are so right and thanks for the kind words. We sometimes are so involved in the situation that it is hard to see some of the facts. We love our families or we would not even be on this site. However, there comes a time when we must bow to the professionals who know more than we do. It is important to do your homework adn find the right facility for you and your family. Not all of them are bad and with constant vigilance, you can make the experience a positive one. Thanks and Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah to all!!

its not rude for who cant care for the person . but it is rude for someone who can take care of them . just because they have dementia doesnt mean that person has to be shove somewhere eles .
i can take care of dad and know how to handle his situations . all he does is sleep and eat and goes to bathroom . he cant walk good , etc . it be rude for me to do that to him cuz he doesnt like to be in nh ,
i learned how to take care of him cuz 2 of my daughters are cna and they work for hospices , i just cant put him in nh it breaks his heart and it would to me too .
like i said for who cant care for the person then by all means nh be a place for them ....

Dear Ihardebeck: Thats really wonderful that you feel that way, and want to serve, love and protect Dad, and I am sure all of us caregivers out there started out that way, with the best of intentions, to "save" Mom and Dad, and give them undivided attention, love, and caring. However, when Dad begins to spit on you, and "poo" his pants, and "poo" the walls, and "hit" you with what ever walking device he has, and tell you, that you are a fat slob,,,,and he doesnt like you anymore, and doesnt even know who you are half the time, then maybe you will understand why some of us, although hurting..... do what we have to do,,,,,,because it is time to put "Dad" or "Mommie" somewhere where qualified professionals can deal with these actions, and they have several shifts of strong, ready, qualified, people tending to our parents, then, finally, it takes a great load off of us, after we have served them for years, and years, and then, and we know,,,,when it just is time. You will know. When Dad starts doing more than eating, sleeping and bathrooming,,, you might be in for a big surprise. Until then, I admire your will, to take care of Dad, your obvious love for him,,,, he needs you now, for as long as it takes. I'm glad you feel the way we all feel. This site is wonderful, and full of loving people to help you along the way. JoAnne

i understand why elders are put in nh for alot ofreasons , it just that when loving daughter said if my mom has any kind of dementia she has to go , it hit me i thought that was rude of her to say that , cuz my father has dementia and he is sweet kind man , at first it was rough but we dealt with it and found the meds that mellows him out . i dont have any problems with dad at all , otherthan changin his poo and pee briefs , he still is sweetest man , always say thank u sweetheart , everytime i give him something he replys with a thank you . often he t ells me he apprecated havin me takin care of him . and i thank god everyday that he gives me the strenght to care for him .
i realzied that dementia effect people diffrent , if he bites me kicks me spit at me and dont apprecate in what i do for him yes it may be a diffrent story i prob would too put him in nh .
my neighbor and my girlfriend both went thru hell and back takin care of thier love ones and it was just too much , it opened my eyes and i prayed that dad wouldnt end up like that .
now as for my mil , my brother in law is takin care ofher , she gets mean , well i told my husband i wont beable to care for her . cuz in her sitations my nerves cant handle her . am hopein her other son can if not then im sorry i cant do it .
my dad is 86 yrs old and i dont think he has much longer to live , i will continue to care for him ,
i was caught off guard when lovingdaughter said i cared for mom 4 yrs and if she gets any sort of dementia she has to go . it broke my heart .
i wish i have a mom , she died 20 years ago (cancer) ...

That is fine if your parent is sweet, some of our parents are not some of them thing the sun moon and stars appear only for them and you should be interrupted for their needs no matter what you are doing. Have you ever had to go to the bathroom but a conversation about whats gong on with Casey Anthony is more important. My mother lives vicariously thru the enquirer, the globe and the star. Not to mention she never ever ever wants to enjoy the sun the yard which I've made so nice for her. or the moon she never wants to go out and she doesn't even have dementia yet. One should NEVER judge what another says unless they have lived it themselves. It is stressful and hurtful and after all this is a place to get advice and to vent when we need to. When there is no one else to listen or care about you and what you do this is the place, some of us do not have the leisure to sit at home and jump at every whim some of us have to work and keep the commitments we made before all this started, WE ARE TIRED sorry about the caps whoever said don't use them but they must be used sometimes. I having eye problems do not find them hard to read. We are all different, we have all lived a different life, not all fathers love there daughters, not all mothers love their daughters, mine could be from India or China it is the childs duty to take care of the parent when they get old and I can guarantee you some parents get old and lazy sooner than others because they don't want to be bothered. Before you say someone said something rude look up nacissistic mother and daughter it might give you a better handle of what others are dealing with and by the way we have been dealing with this since we were little kids as young as 4 . I am so happy it is easier for you but that to will change because the most constant thing in life is change. God Bless all

Dementia, like everything else, strikes people differently. One of my friends has a mother with Alzheimer's and the mom is just as sweet as they get. Will this continue? Hard to say. Some people who are real sweethearts before dementia turn totally abusive. Other's don't.

That's why we all support each other with our choices. We can't really know what another is going through, but we offer the best support we can from what we know.

Take care of yourselves, you wonderful people. It's an honor to know you on this forum.
Carol