I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

To those who now "don't want their parents living with them anymore...."

You made a commitment to your parent(s), and it's unfair to boot them once you feel you're tired of them. It's a big sacrifice, but they are relying on you ... don't throw them out because your emotions are telling you that they're ruining your life. You'll be ruining theirs MORE. Just like they made a commitment as parents to raise and support you, you should adhere to YOUR commitment once you make it to them. They're old and frail, and yes, it isn't always "fun" or "fulfilling" to have that responsibility. They can be temperamental, childish, and require lots of your "free" time. But we did it five years ago for my dad when we moved him in with us (in his own attached apartment), and though we've had to sacrifice impromptu trips, weekends away, etc. -- we made a commitment to dad, and we'll abide by it either til he dies, or if there comes a time that we CANNOT care for him ourselves. Do you love your parents? Then, in love, do what you commited to do. Then your conscience will be clear .... now and later.

whoa there is more at play here than just Love or commitment especially when young children are involved, I don't think you can take everyones word as litteral some just need to vent it doesn't mean they are going to act on it.

Dear Neonwocky--
Well, we moved dad in with us when our kids were 11 and 15. There is not a "good" time in life to do this for parents ... it happens when it happens. And of course we need to vent ... I do it all the time! My husband just laughs it off, but that's because it's MY dad who's living with us. It is definitely a worthwhile and kind thing to take your parents under your wing when they need you. It can be stressful, inconvenient, and very aggravating at times. But I believe God will reward us at the end of our lives, if not sooner as well.

I beleive the same thing But God also knows we are human and we feel things that may not seem approriate and we just have to get it off our chest,

In 1982 I lost a 13 year old child he was missing for 26 days I survived, I took care of my father in law with cancer in 1987 thru 1989 I took care of my mother in law from 1997 to 1999 with Alzheimers, heart disease, strokes two broken hips and diabetes, I took care of my Dad moving my parents from another state to where I live in 2005 my father fell and shattered his pelvis and broke a hip he was in numerous hospitals off and on for 3 months he contracted MRSA I gave him IV every morning before I went to work, washed him got him up made his coffee took him into living room opened blinds to make him feel normal, he had a stroke a month later a week later he died, I arranged his funeral bought floewers for all involved, paid for everything no one as of yet ha reimbursed me for their part. I than brought my mother to live with me, she is narcissistic, cannot hear refuseds to have cataracts removed therefore almost blind. why do I do these things? I don't know I have a kind heart? I am compassionate? and by the way never got along with my mother she made my childhood and teenage years a living hell. Where is she going to go to the Street I wouldn't let a stranger live that waY, SOOO..

I do it because God tells me to. and yes I complain every chance I get so much so my sister has told me she doesn't want to hear it and my brother hasn't called or visited his mother since his father died. same for sister. So guess what they won't hear anymore from me. I can and will do it myself as I always have. but I still don't have to like it. I so look forward to the other world I KNOW it will be where I belong after all isn't that everyones goal?

God bless your heart neonwalky and thank you.

I'm very sorry I posted anything, it was very emotional to read the posts and relate to them. I thought writing my emotions down would be a good experience. ..and to meet others who may relate. (not to be judged)

Good luck to all of you on your journey and god bless.

My heart goes out to those who have tough choices, but I am going to say a strong statement, then ease into an explanation. I am so tired of hearing people say it is out of obligation because my parent's raised me and now I owe her. What I owe my mother is honoring her as a parent and even my mother and honoring my dad for that matter, BUT doing it within the boundaries that I am physically able to do without destroying those around me.

Now with that being said.... my mother had issues prior even to becoming a senior needing care. It goes too deep to discuss here on this post (you can read my previous posts). I am an only child, and I have no children of my own. My father has Alzheimer's and my mother has Severe Major Depression. With working full-time, taking care of my household, handling my parent's legal, financial, and housing (keeping their original house as well) is more than a full time job.

My obligation to them is that I make sure they are well taken care of and that is EXACTLY what I do, but its not solely by my hand. My two cents is that you need to be fair to your family as well. The misnomer in caregiving for a parent is that you solely have to provide it. But then what you are losing out on is the relationship because of the stressors in caregiving that seem to then consume your life.

I bend my boundaries for my father a bit because it is the disease of Alzheimer's and he cannot help his behavior. My mother's behavior on the other hand is a lifetime of issues I care not to go into in this post.

You have to decide what's right, but consider the statistics as well.... caregivers die many times sooner than the cared for person. They (the cared for elder) are also not being raised like a child is in order to be independent. Reality is they are becoming dependents. AL and nursing homes are not like they once were. If its a necessary situation, then move them. This way you can spend much more time on loving your parent without the added stressors. Then you are giving your mother or father the much needed love they need. Besides, the socialization is awesome for them instead of being isolated with a stressed out caregiver.

There is nothing wrong with that. There are just various forms of caregiving.

Neon,
YOU ARE THE BEST!!!!!! JOJO, you need to be with us a long time and read our posts and histories as we VENT and have the right to. How a a person can judge us without knowing the history that each of us has, is beyond me. We all do our jobs for many different reasons, but the fact is we are doing it!! The ones who may need to be told off are the ones who are not on this site because they don't care and have left us in the lurch!!!!!!! Walk in our shoes!!!!'
Yes , we set boundaries, make sacrifices and cry a lot, but we are here. Where are they??????????

thanks loving daughter you know I WILL fight for us to the end. And kiddo you ain't so bad yourself

Thanks, I needed that!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sorry you are feeling overwhelmed and burdened. Have you thought about hiring live-in care? You don't have to take care of her and your mother doesn't have to go to a nursing home. You should think about it; it was a good compromise between my mother and I.

Good luck!

Mitzipinki, you said it SO WELL!!! Wish I had said all you do. So true. Sometimes doing hands-on 24 hr care becomes less than optimal care because we are only human and need to sleep occasionally! I'm at the tail-end of the isolated stressed out caretaker, awaiting a nursing home bed for mom. I did all I could while I could, but parents' conditions change and deteriorate, and at some point we're doing more harm than good by keeping them home with us. And to the rest of you, lovingdaughter, secretsister, neon to name a few, you're the best! I love coming to this site have having y'all's shoulders to cry on.

lovingdaughter
You are right. People shouldn't judge the choices others make. No two situations are the same. Everyone here is trying to do the right thing, often affect many people they love. Keep at it. You all are great!
Carol

Thanks tx, but all I'm stating are truths. So many times people feel guilted into not doing it themselves, and there is no reason for guilt!! This day and age has now provided great services (granted some still suck), but nursing homes and assisted living is changing for the better. The people are the ones to change the tide in requesting excellent care with reasonable prices.

I was blessed to have my parent's family not argue with me and was amazed at what I was able to do for my parents. What we owe are parent's is our best no matter what the result.

Now I know there are people who will give the lowest quality of care (saying they provide) in order to gain inheritance..... shame on them! But do not feel guilt for wanting to provide for your family.

My parent's never talked about the type of care they wanted, just that they wanted me to care for them. Well if I was single, maybe things would be different. But I owe it to my husband regardless. My mom when she was hospitalized then demanded assisted living. Then when she got into AL, she was throwing a temper tantrum then (I understand the drastic lifestyle changes, but there is more to that story). I provided her and my father care with excellence.

They have 24/7 care, a nice size apartment (to bring many of their furnishings), 3 square meals a day (when mom was starving herself and dad doesn't remember to eat), apartment cleaning, hourly checks, socialization, etc all for the cost of $3 less a day than if I had had 10-hr in home care.

I did the comparison. I factored my life into it. I'm exhausted and I am still recovering from 5-6 years of medical issues, running myself ragged, etc. I don't have the energy. I've become more anemic because I haven't and still don't eat great anymore because I'm sleeping when I can grab it.

Be fair to yourself. Evaluate the situation carefully. Seek God in all that you do. This is NOT a light burden. How can you show your loved one you care when you are nasty, miserable, exhausted yourself? Parents can sense that as well. This is making their end of life with quality, contentment, and dignity. You do the best you can.

mitzi,
Thanks for being a reasonable voice in a very unreasonable sea of emotion. We know how truly hard it is to care for our families, but not everyone gets it. How blessed some are to have the "perfect" situation. Wish we all had that. My mom is really good, but her health and weight are fighting against her. I do what I can and have had her here for 4 years, but I know that after a few more, she will be beyond my help. Then, I will put it in God's hands and that of the professionals. Thanks for being one of the good ones!!!

Continuing as you are won't ultimately be healthy for you, your mother, or your marriage. Please help get some professional help from a good family counselor, your clergy, your mom's MD, or even a friend your mom trusts. Caregiving is tough in the best of circumstances. Boundaries are important. It's okay to say you have had enough. "Enough" can be said with love and compassion. Saying so doesn't mean you don't care or that you plan to abandon your mom. Please get some help.

My mom is slowly declining and I will give to her all she needs until it is impossible she will then go to a nursing home. That is what they are there for,m Yes you can do some but you cannot do it all at the risk of your own health and we are getting close to that I just want to make the transition as easy as possible for her as she is adament that she will not go to a NH but I watch and evaluate, talk to her doctor and am wise enough to know when i can no longer do her any good. It is a shame life ends this way but it does for everyone. I will go to a NH as I do not want to be a burden to my son. I didn't have him to take care of me. Although he is always concerned and always here when I need him. God Bless us all.

Neon, you are a wise lady. My cousin, who took care of her mother and FIL, both initially at home and then in a NH, gave me some good advice when I was telling her about my problems with Mom. She said that something will happen, an event, a conversation with your parent, or ???, but something will happen and you will know it is time. I wasn't sure exactly what she meant until the something happened here. Without going into details, it became abundantly clear to me that I had reached the point of doing all I could, and that Mom needs far more than I can give her. So now that I'm there, I'm still giving while awaiting a NH bed, which I've learned don't come easy. God Bless you, Neon, and all of us.

"Something" does happen. Sometimes it is sufficient to serve as an alert that approaches have to change. Sometimes, that "something" is so significant that it limits options that were open before "something" came into the picture. I urge everyone who cares for an elder loved one, don't wait until you are in crisis, don't wait until your options shrink to the "lesser of two/three evils." Be proactive, have the difficult conversations. Set your boundaries ahead of time. Please, I've seen enough in 25+ years of eldercare to know the importance of a proactive approach.

You are both right on. There's a point for many when they know in their hearts that they can't give the care the care receiver needs. No guilt needed. You are at a crossing point and it's hard, but the right choice is often hard beause what is "right" is different for everyone.
Carol

Hi all,
I just got a call from the nursing home and they have a bed available for mom. I will be admitting her tomorrow afternoon. The hospice chaplain will be here when I tell mom, and help us with the move. I know this is the best thing for her, but telling her is going to be one of the most emotionally difficult things I've ever had to do. Please pray for me.

txmaggie,
You are always in our prayers. Be assured that you are doing the right thing. Best of wishes and prayers to you and your family.

tx... go into this with a humble heart.... if you are providing the best for your mom.... God will be with you and it will flow with ease (well not all roses and such), but you will know.

God bless.

Dear txmaggie and your Mom, I am praying your transition is smooth, your heart comforted, emotions eased, and both you and Mom's needs and desires met and exceeded. We have a loving God who provides and blesses. As you and Mom adjust, I pray this is the best possible solution for for everyone concerned.

I understand the mixed emotions, and even the anxiety of making this decision. I'm praying you and your Mom are as blessed as our families have been. Our dads are thriving in their nursing home environment, and we're pleased beyond our expectations.

tx, you're a wonderful daughter to continually be so loving to your Mom. After all your care and hard work, I'm hoping you and Mom can both rest and enjoy the change! Take care :) and let us know how things are going.

SecretSister has said it so well. You have done all that you can. Now it is time to give your mom and yourself the peace of mind and spirit that you need. She will be well cared for and you will be able to see that she has the best care that you and the home will provide. Bless you and keep in touch.

TO ALL OF YOU... YOU NEED TO LET THEM KNOW WHY AND PLEASE DO NOT LIE TO THEM TELL THEM THE TRUTH BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T YOU WILL REGET IT AND FILL GUILTY ..I HAVE NEVER HAD THE PROBLEM I REFUSE TO PUT MY PARENTS IN ONE ONLY BECAUSE THEIR WAS 12 OF US AND WE CAN TAKE CARE OF THE (WAS I WRONG) BUT ANYWAY JUST LET THEM KNOW WHERE THINGS STAND THEY WILL UNDERSTAND

To all of you who responded so beautifully to my last post, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. The move to the nursing home went well. I tried to gently let her know that she would receive care and support for her confusion and decreasing abilities to do things for herself, that I wasn't far away and would be visiting, that her dog was allowed in to visit, and that I loved her and came to this decision only after much soul searching. She said she knew it was coming, cried only a littlle, then started asking questions about the place. She actually seemed to be relieved. While I was in the next room packing some things, she told the chaplain that she thought this was the best thing for both her and me, that she saw how exhausted I am and how I was up in the middle of the night with her almost every night. I called the nursing home when we were 20 minutes away and they met her at the door, gave her a lovely greeting, introduced her to staff and residents, gave her a tour, set her down to play bingo. Her table mates immediately took her in and started helping her, and she was laughing and chatting with them......until I went in to let her know I was leaving. THen the complaints started leaking out (couldn't see the bingo cards well), but nothing serious and no begging to go home. I assured her the staff would help her get settled in for the night and she seems to be in very good hands.

So again, thank you for all your prayers and support. It is priceless.

This is wonderful news. I think she will find it is a lot different than she probably expected. We all go through different stages in life. Graduation from high school, going to college (home or away), marriage, kids, etc... its only as bad or as good as we make it.

Good job and thanks for being a story we can look up to.

txmaggie,
We should all be so fortunate to have such a transition. Best wishes for you and your mom. God Bless and keep writing. We are always here for you.
Linda

You are in my prayers.

that made me cry ....
i just brought my dad home from rehab . he couldnt wait to get home . he rather be with families here . didnt care for activies there . he said his activies is at home , recliner and tv .
he did good lastnight , slept all night long . so will see how it goes tonite . i hope he sleeps all night ..
go check on ur mom at odd hours ofthe night will you please ... thanks ,