I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

I suggest you find the nicest nursing home you can and explain to your mom you cannot help anymore but you will visit. I know easier said than done. My mom breaks bones left and right and has one leg and thinks she can care for herself. Moms can be nasty when you want to help them. All I can say is hang in there, I will pray for you.

I am glad to see a B1969 too - its refreshing to read a post from someone who obviously cares, but can articulate what he wants to say in a clear and consise way. I hope you continue to add your opinions on this board to keep it from turning into a girls club.

My mother has lived with my husband and me for the last 1 1/2 year. We knew that it would be an adjustment for all of us but after all this time, nothing has improved. She is still unhappy and "ready to die" as she tells us daily. Our home life has deteriorated to the point that we had to make some tough decisions. My mother has the money to care for herself she just doesn't want to spend the money, I told her if I was willing to give up my inheritance, she shouldn't mind spending the money. we just relocated her back to her home 8 hours away. I have arranged for council on aging to pick her up 5 days a week and at home care 2 days. Is this the ideal solution? absolutely not, but I feel like I am gaining control of my life again. I pray for her safety and that she will agree to go into assisted living in the near future. this is not easy but at least I feel like I have a choice in the matter.

Good for you! You are getting some control back in your own life as well as caring for your mother. Is there an assisted living near you? She has the money, so that shouldn't be an issue. She'll fight that, too. But some of what she is doing is controlling you.

It's good that you are recognizing this and standing up to it.
Carol

Dear scpirate,
I put my mother in an assisted living facility about three weeks ago. It was a very difficult decision,since my mother had been living with us for over three years. We sought counseling prior to our decision and then had a talk with my mother and explained that she could no longer live with us. It was a difficult discussion for all. My mother was very angry!! She is in a lovely facility and seems to be adjusting well. We can now have a discussion as mother and daughter again. She laughs and smiles. I was expecting the worst, but all turned out well. My husband and I have our life back, and mother is being well cared for. We all need to do what is best for all at the time. Good luck to you and keep in touch.

Hi scpirate.

It sounds like you are making sure that your Mom is getting cared for. When we went to see a family therapist about my Mom who lives with us, I told her that I felt like I wasn't doing enough. My mother reinforces that by actions and things she says. The therapist said that I was taking great care of my Mom but not the way my mother would like.My mother lives with us and it has been a difficult past few months. It's hard to tell if her controlling behavior is a result of disease, personality, meds or all of it. Whatever it is I am working on getting some of my life back too!

Good luck!!

We all have to do that I want to go see my great niece but with mother here I am afraid to leave her I sometimes say no to things I would like to do to stay home although all mom does is stay in her room gain weight lay in bed and complain about being weak. the list goes on its been over a year and she isn't going to do anything to help herself so as long as she is warm fed and comfy that's all I can do she is hard headed and manipulative although I do not fall for it most of the time, in every day stuff. But to take off for a few days I am afraid to but want to so much and should while I can if I keep waiting my life will be all used up

I wonder about leaving, but know that Mom is doing some things for herself. I figure if she's not a total invalid, I can entrust her to her self, or call 911 if I'm away. That gives us both some independence and some freedom.

Neon, as you know the history of my mother from these boards, she tried last week to use the guilt about not being around or "in case she had an emergency" and I wouldn't buy it. Sometimes you have to take a risk if your health is at risk. Have you found someone you can trust your mother with at periods of time?

I know that my mother says no one else can do anything, but its amazing when I'm impossible to get ahold of, how she manages just fine.

Don't get guilted. She can be happy in her misery with someone else too. :)

Yes, I know and I have been working really hard with the no guilt trips and doing well I must say also this is day 49 of no smoking and doing well with that to have gained 14 lbs in 49 days not bad I was a boney thing to begin with LOL I do buy her things from time to time to have some semblance of love at least from my point and she seems to be acting somewhat better. This week end however I asked her why she didn't dust anymore, that is the only thing I ask her to do its easy and I hate to do it. Reminded her gently that I was not the only person who lived there and she had all day to do that she does wash her own laundry and she gets the mail thats about it. So she said she would dust from now on I told her I was not sending her a personal invitation each week to dust. so we will see this will I hope tell me she either is getting forgetful or maybe just don't want to do it thats the trouble with people who cry wolf all the time its very confusing. thanks for the encouragement mitzi and secret sister.

Neon- I am so proud of you not smoking as a nurse you go girl and you need some weight on those bones - I am on a diet at my last high school reunion 5 yrs ago I was called fat of course 50 yrs ago I weighted 92 lbs so want to be slim at the one in Aug have decided to stay there at the hotel overnight so my friend from HS and I can talk all night with a bottle of wine this is the only treat I am giving myself until I get our debts paid off- I earned it over the years being the good wife or as I told a nurse years ago when she asked who I was -I said the long suffering wife in a couple of weeks I will get back with you guys I miss you all esp. you Neon you really touched my heart.

Well thank you Austin, I was always teased for being skinny still have those bird legs my mother always points that out all these years later " you have legs like your father" she has ham hocks, LOL anyway I look at my legs pull my pants legs up or my skirt yes I do wear skirts skinny legs and all and say yep they sure are little but their pretty! sometimes I crack myself up hey they get me where I want to go thats all thats necessary. Well in HS I was always 98 lbs and was this until about 10 years ago now I am sixty guess I'm finally going to get the body I always wanted but now what do you do with it LOL. Thanks for your surpport Austin you are a wowzer yourself kiddo. love you and have fun and the bottle of wine and a long talk sounds like just what the doctor ordered. You go to girl. I am so glad I have made a difference I guess I'm like a cat want to leave my marks everywhere LOL and I sure do my best to do so. people will NEVER FORGET ME Oh new one. my mother says to me last night I think I'd like to have a one bedroom apt. Didn't we go thru that last month or so? I just flat out told her I wasn't moving her and she got mad but hey I'm 60 years old with arthritis really bad getting worse and there are much better things I would like to do with my time and energy than move her one more time knowing full well she would only be moved right back. She will never be satisfied and I told her that to. so she huffed and puffed and went to her room. She said you told me you want me to be happy I said I do but you're gonna have to do it here. I try as muchas I can to make her happy without being a door mat there is only so much I can do happiness must come from within. so there you have it chapter 10. I am sure we will visit this again in a couple months. LOL Keep my chin up and a song in my heart and a smile on my face. rightyo mates.

So much personal conflict goes into the decision to tell mom, or dad that you don't want them living in your home any longer. As both an eldercare professional and the daughter of an elderly mother, who, by the way does not live with me, I have seen and heard much. My best advice it to respect your own personal boundaries. You will not experience the experience the fulfillment and satisfacton of careging if the giving is tainted by the poison of resent. Find a way to present your boundaries in as respectful and loving a way as possible. Then, work together to find a more workable solution. Once the option of living with you is out of the question, mom or dad will have to look at the other alternatives. if it is an option, I also suggest seeking the advice of a family counselor or mediator for some objective input.

LoisW, very well said! Thank you!

LoisW... You certainly have all this in the proper prospective. I have lived 7 hours away from my mother for 17 years, and since my father's death 12 years ago the guilt of not being there for her has increased as she aged and got more and more frail. I thought that by moving her into my home I would alleivate the guilt- but that did not happen. after 1 1/2 years of resentment and bad vibes between us, I decided to move her back into her house with some assistance. She has been back in her home for 6 weeks and i have to say that I am more at peace with the situation than I have been for several years. I want to be a "good" daughter and be there for her (I am an only child now) but that doesn't necessarily mean that I have to sacrifice my own marriage and happiness to accomodate her. It has taken me years to figure this out!!! I am spending alot of time and energy to manage her life and financial responibilities from 3 states away but believe me, it is worth the effort to have my life back again. and I honestly believe that she is happier with the situation too.

From Loisw: "Find a way to present your boundaries in as respectful and loving a way as possible. Then, work together to find a more workable solution. Once the option of living with you is out of the question, mom or dad will have to look at the other alternatives. if it is an option, I also suggest seeking the advice of a family counselor or mediator for some objective input."
Very well put!

scpirate
I'm so glad you had the courage to change this situation. You are now a better daughter as you can care for your mother without the resentment of unsustainable living conditions. Good for you!
Carol

I am back from my vacation and tired. Going to bed. Just wanted you to know that we had small tornadoes in NJ while I was gone. In South Jersey we had sun shine so it wasn't so bad. Of course, mom's nose is all out of shape because I am tired and don't want to talk to her tonigh. Going to bed. Missed you guys. Austin, keep up the good work and take that time for yourself.
Night.
Linda

I have been taking care of what use to be a friend that is 86, I am 60, he is very ill, lonely and very rude and hateful. I do his cooking, cleaining, driving, grocery buying, nursing etc. Never do I get a thank you. I am tired. I have no life, I was waiting for my disablity. If I do not quit I will not be around much lounger. I am lonely and depressed. I do a very good job though. Wish I could have a few days off........Ann

Dear Ann:

Life is too short to keep company with someone who is "rude and hateful." You are being used by this person. I would dump him like a hot potato.

Dar

Dear Ann, sounds like it's time to find someone to help him, and you. It's important, so please don't delay. Both of you have needs, and you've got to care for yourself. Wishing won't help, but if you make some phone calls, to your local Commission or Area of Aging office, Physician, etc., they can refer you to someone who can assist you with his and your needs. No reason to do this alone, with a variety of resources out there to help. Let us know how you're doing, and please take care of you!

shirleyann60.. you do not deserved to be treated like that . maybe he is giving you a hint he doesnt want you around . whats more i would not be treated that way cuz i wouldnt letthat happen . i agree with dragonfire , id drop him like a hot potatoe !
youre 60 yrs old you need to take care of yourself . hey life is too short !!!
let somebody eles take care of him cuz surely he s not apprecating havin you there .... my father apprecates me and even tells me so . he s worth to take care of . i am 47 yrs old and im not no 60 yrs old .
you said he is a friend , haha what a friend he is !!! friends dont treat you that way !

With just briefly reading, I think it is important to analyze things and make some choices. Is the nastiness due to the illness or because he's always been like that. Is it medicine related? Is there a problem with Alzheimer's or some form of dementia? Take all those things into consideration. But realize that if you are a friend.... are you doing this because you care, out of obligation, or for something in return?

Examining the heart and other environmental issues can be a huge factor in deciding what to do. Then you just need to do it. Set a boundary for yourself on whatever avenue you choose. But I'm not going to say which way to go. :X

That was wise advice, mitzipinki, and why I didn't pass judgment. Just wanted to encourage her to get help for both their needs.

You need to realize that you should not be treated that way it is different if it is a spouse who is like that as I had for many years until I said I can not do it any longer I would definatly get help he may need to be placed and they will not take his bad behaivor do not delay another day getting out of this situation for your own health-good luck and keep comming to this site.

Get Help!!! Set Boundaries. Listen to Austin and SecretSister and Mitzi. They all have been through much of the same things. I always lean on them for advice. We understand what you are doing, but if you don't take care of yourself, no one else will.

Please read some of my back posts and definily set boundries

Right on with what Austin said, if you are not married to him, not that I'm cold hearted, but I would reevaluate my reasons for helping out. Sometimes we do it out of selfish gain other times because we really do care about human kind. But what people fail to remember is that they are not God. Even if they "were", God rested on the seventh day, so what makes us think we are beyond Him? Do what you need to, but there is a LOT to consider in a situation like this. Maybe you just need a reprieve, I'm not sure, but whatever it is, you are going to need to find the boundaries in whatever you do. God bless!

Wow, it is was so emotional to read all of these posts. I have been taking care of my Mother for the last 4 years since she has had a stroke. She is now 65. It has been very hard on my family. I have 2 children, a 4 year old and a 7 month old. In the last 6 months my mother has been taking dizzy spells ( they say it is a drop in her blood pressure) and is so having bathroom issues, and she doesn't always want to eat. In the last 6 months I have made many doctor's visits, hospital trips, emerency trips, and yesterday it was an abulance trip in hopes of finding out any further issues and I'm no further ahead. I know that if I even mention the word assisted seniors living it would kill her, and I do truly believe she would have better care. I truly am the only person she has left in her life she has ignored all of her family and friends. Even my mother and I have never been close, but I can't leave her all alone. Therefore I feel that I'm am being selfish. My husband is very understanding but I can see this is now taking a toll on him.
My feelings of obligation and to take care of my mother are overwhelming.
Best of luck to all of you.

Take her to an assisted living for a visit. Do it a few times and then MOVE her there. You have babies and you can't do this. She is not thinking clearly so one of you has to think clearly. She needs professional help.
I have the same situation, but mom is doing OK and I have great hired help. Without it, I would have never moved her in with us and I am 62 with no kids at home. You have done all you can; now let the people who have been trained take over. She will fight you, but don't give in. Set BOUNDARIES and stick to them.

Good luck

Dear mommyof2, bless your heart, and all you've done. I understand how difficult this is, as I am in a difficult situation, as well, and can relate to what you say. Lovingdaughter has some good ideas. Take care, and know help is available.