I can't handle my mom living with me anymore.

Cindy, its none of my business, but something to look into if you aren't already. Can you obtain power of attorney to manage the finances where you could pay for help and say "Sorry dad, insurance dictates" or are you joint on any of the accounts to still pay a few bills?

That is the thing that ticks me off so much is that while trying to obtain VA benefits for my father, the statement made to not give my dad his benefits is that my parents have too many assets. Well pardon my dad for being wise outside the military service but so the heck what? I'm at a new battle there to obtain them for dad.

Do what you have to in order to provide. Keep your receipts, prove the spending so God forbid IRS or some other government agency has something to say about it. Just make sure you do what you must to provide for your father. Him being stubborn is just too bad. You don't want to be dead first from stress do you?

Okay, there's my two cents! LOL

Mitzipinki is so right. GET POWER OF ATTORNEY, Cindy, and also use his money to support all his needs and take a paycheck for your services. If you cannot work because you are taking care of him, then you deserve one. I am retired and have had mom for over 3 years. She pays all her expenses and her portion of all the electric, gas, food, and tax bills. We are in OK financial standing because we stood our ground. We even made her pay for the deck, ramp, and addition to our house because we would have done none of those things if she had not come to live with us. Stand your ground. Also, if you have siblings who won't help, get a will for dad and make sure anything that is left is yours. My brother had the nerve to ask me what mom has in her trust, and he won't even come to see her unless he gets a free meal!!!! Thank God that mom is sharp and reasonable. She knows that I have to make the decisions for her, and she is OK with that. Good luck, keep writing. It helps us all to know that we are not alone.

lovingdaughter

Hi Austin, Hi Cindy, These good ladies are so right, keep receipts, get power of attorney, put things in action now, it won't be long brothers will be standing there with their hands out. Unfortunately that is how it is. You have enough on you right now and yes, you should be getting paid. My parents didn't work so my mother gets a handful of dollars and 46.00 worth of food stamps a month. So basically we foot her bill to. I am not complaining somebody has to do it. I do ask for 300.00 a month but that as you know doesn't cover half of it. not even close. that doesn't even cover the heat LOL. If your father has assets that are needed for his care he needs to use them. And yes, disease does effect the mind sad to say. Personally I think we should go back to the old way and let people die of natural causes instead of limping them along. Yes, it hurts to lose a loved one but after awhile you wonder if you ever get to live your own life some of us never had it was take care of the parents, get married take care of the husband have babies take care of them now back to the parents some more when I get done with my mom it will probably be me six feet under or take care of hubby Personally I'm sick of taking care of everyone and want someone to take care of me at least make me a meal. Have a good day neon

Cindy, one thing we did when mom moved in was put some sort of security in our home. When you have so many strangers who come to take care of your loved one, it is nice to know that your valuables, financial records, including checkbooks are locked up tight! I took complete financial control of my mom's assets. Even my brother can't get into the system because I had a bank put a security password on her accounts. I know it sounds a little strange, but I took the advice from a friend and it has already paid off. She has her mom with her, the other sibling was an addict who played the stock market with his mom's money. My friend took control of her mom's money and saved her from having to give half to her grandchildren when the sibling died. Now she has enough to take care of her mom for the rest of her life. Power of Attorney is not just for financial reasons either. There is a separate real estate power of attorney and medical power of attorney. Look into these as well. Good luck

Neon, you are right. You didn't get to the part of helping to take care of grandbabies too though.LOL THEN after that you get to take care of your parents. I helped to take care of my grandaughter for 3 1/2yrs so my daughter and her husband could finish college, and save up for their own house. They did it, now I'm taking care of Dad. I'm also going to have another grandbaby, which his mom will take care of. When do we get to have a life outside of some sort of caregiving? My 12yr old daughter asked me today, "how come I don't like spending time with grandpa anymore, he used to be fun?" I said the disease has changed him. I made her read up on alzheimers/dementia so that she would understand. She is looking forward to grandpa going to assisted living, because she remembers all the fun things we used to do. Isn't it sad? This should be for the venting section. All of the above are true you should have power of attorney. Good luck.

Hi Everyone,

I am feeling bad today because I think my dad is starting to go into liver failure. I had him at the emergency room all day and he would not let them admit him to the hospital. He wanted to go home, so I let him. His legs have swelled huge and his bellie is just full of fluid. The doctor said he has CHF, and the only reason I let him go home is because we have an appointment with his liver doctor tomorrow early and I did not want him to stay in the hospital when he was freaking out about it.

I think he is not thinking correctly and he just was not going to stay. I took him to dinner and stayed with him for the rest of the night and I am going back in a few hours. I am just scared right now--I feel bad that he is in so much pain and no one can do anything for him. But then I know what I read and they say that he had to eat right and keep his sugar stable which he had refused to do any of it. I know its hard but I feel like he has given up lately because he is so lonely.

Well thats whats going on here, I hope everyone else is doing good. Take care.

I will let you know how he is doing tomorrow.

Alice

sandy ypu need to leave her alone for about 2 weeks and let her see who cares for her more you or her son.just check to make sure she is alive and well and everything is fine. and let her know until she can treat you like a human with a more respect will not be coming around it will hurt but its called tough love. may god be with you

hey naus I didn't get to the grandbabies cuz i don't have any and don't look like I'm gonna get any I have to young men that my son has adopted and I treat them like grand children but the bond is just not there they were too old when I met them not to say we don't love each other. I do take them on outings when I find the time and something I think they will enjoy they are so different you have to do them individually and I like when they come over.

hi Alice I hope things work out I understand about them giving up tho sometimes that is not a bad thing it just hurts us because we don't want to lose them but to be humane we must let them live according to their feelings not ours. We as humans sometimes and I'm not saying you are doing this, I just mean from my own experience we think we own them like our children but we don't and things can change at any second. I personally especially after taking care of FIL, MIL and my father and now my mother I want them to be pain free and at peace. laying in bed in pain or not being able to talk to someone from a severe stroke, etc is not good quality of life. I personally think that death (which is our goal from day one) is better than some of the things our parents and others have to live with. I don't mean to sound cruel I am just realistic like that. No one wants to lose someone they love dearly believe me I know first hand but God is in control not us we only get to make decisions that effect others and ourselves. Than we have to live with the consequences. My love and hugs to all of you who are dealing with such hard issues.

Alice- my heart goes out to you-it does sound like he has given up and I am so sorry-but God is in control he decides when it is time to go home to him where there is no pain and suffering I sure hope you have a good church family to help you during this time-I think you were right to let him go home when he was so upset about staying in the hospital-that is what I would have done-he is so lucky to have you understand his needs

Considering the latest turn of events

Considering the latest turn of events, I probably need a new support group. My 81 year old mother is still at the rehab hospital for her broken ankle. They'll probably send her home (to her own home) this week even though she can barely hobble a few steps with the walker. I'm in charge of arranging her home health eval, hiring the aid, and arranging the meals on wheels and the home PT and OT. I'm also the sole parent of three small children since my wife checked into a psych ward this weekend when her depression went from moderate to severe -- which basically means she sank from joyless and hopeless to suicidal. I don't mean to blame the ill, but part of me thinks she chose this time to complete her breakdown because she was resentful that I visited my mother (and arranged all her dr. visits, paid her bills, took care of her cat...) every day. (If it was planned, it worked. Didn't see mom today.) Of course my wife's mental breakdown also happened the day after I finally got a job after being out of work for three years. (The first two years, I was out of work voluntarily. My wife, who was dying to go back to work, got a good job, so I stayed home. Six months ago, she quit when the pressure of working for a hateful boss became unbearable to her.) Ome miracle, of course, is that so far, my kids (all under 8) are all holding up remarkably way.

A few years ago, my mother had abdominal surgery. She was sent home to heal with an open wound. The next day, she de-hissed, which means that her intestines literally spilled out of her. She was rushed to hospital. My mom was awake through all of this. An incredible ER nurse took care of her. My mom called her an angel and asked her what her name was. The nurse told her and my mom said: "I will always remember you." The nurse: "No, you won't. You won't remember any of this."

Two weeks later, she went home, and of course the nurse was right. My mom had no recollection of any of it.

I feel like that ER nurse. (Only I don't get paid for what I do.)

My mother and my wife are filled with gratitude when I'm there to take care of their crises. But as soon as the dramas have passed, I'm insulted, criticized, belittled, and told I'm a lousy husband and father. And now, I'm reduced to this -- a pathetic whining martyr playing for the pity of complete strangers.

Forgive me for venting and self-pitying. I actually called my dearest, oldest friend to vent earlier, but he was on his way to a party and I didn't have a chance to say any of this.

Dear Dear edrex, do not apologize for venting. It is imperative to your sanity. You are doing so much, God Bless You for it. Keep coming here, the people here are so very supportive. God Bless your precious little ones too. You will get through this, you must for them and for yourself. Take Care, let us know. Nauseated

Dear Nauseated,

Thanks. I mean it.

edrex, I am sorry for all you have to go through right now. I think of your small children, who have very important needs right now as well. And your wife, and mother. I don't think you're a martyr at all. Not at all pathetic or whining, but hurting, probably, and carrying a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. May God be with you to guide you through the difficult days ahead... I pray you seek his guidance for wisdom and direction. Yes, we may be strangers, but we also have similar situations and loved ones with problems, so we can relate, somewhat. Each situation is a little different, but there is a compassion of understanding and support for one another during these struggles. Thank you for sharing your story. I will be praying for you, that you have the strength to do what's right, and can navigate your loved ones safely through the rough waters.

As far as being insulted, criticized and belittled, I can relate. "No good deed goes unpunished." The ones who do the least criticize the most, I've found. Also, consider the source. Who is doing the complaining about you? Are they realistic and emotionally healthy? Are they contructive or destructive. Find those who support you, and encourage you, even if they are strangers. Not all friends can handle our trials, or completely understand our needs. I've often felt like others are living life, while I am "stuck" caring for those in need. It's a place of self-pity we don't want to stay long.

A lousy husband and father is one who dumps their responsibility and runs off, which hardly describes what you've told us about you. You haven't abandoned your loved ones, and can only do what is humanly possible. Vent as much as you need to, if it helps you. And be discerning when accepting counsel. Prayer helps. Keep up the great work you are doing for those God has given you to care for. Praying for your wife, littles ones, and for your Mom as well. Keep coming back, and let us know how things work out... Thank you for sharing your story. Remember, because you love and care, you are a hero! God bless you all.

Anne, thank you. I am more a doubter than a believer but your kinds words are certainly a blessing.

Dear Edrex,

It sounds as if you have a handfull right now. Multiple issues are part & parcel of the caregiving experience as you have seen from being on this site. You know from your experiences on this board that everyone will be supportive as always. Its not easy being torn in many directions while caring for your mom. Depression in a family affects everyone - hope you are finding the support you need locally to deal with that issue for you & the kids.

Edrex at least your wife is getting the help she needs I know from experience how it is to be with a very depressed person and I pray that you get some help with all you are going through keep comming back here I find venting very helpful you know we all understand and care.

edrex, thank God your kids are holding up. I do understand your torn feelings about your wife's mental illness. I have to deal with some of that - walking on eggshells, etc. - as well. Not with a spouse, however.

You are having to cope with a superhuman situation. It's remarkable YOU aren't the one in the psych ward! Please keep talking, seek any help you can get, and know you are in our thoughts and prayers.

Each of us knows the gratitude we get when we do something for an elder (or a mentally ill person) and then they forget and we can't do anything right.

Blessings to you, my good man. Your family is so lucky to have you. Please keep checking in.
Carol

edrex,
Thank goodness a man of your character has stepped up to the plate. It is so nice to know that you are there for your loved ones. Your children are very lucky to have you. Have you looked to your church, visiting nurse and the hospital for help? So many avenues of help go unused because we don't know that they are there for us. One of our members to this site clued me in on Veterans help for my mom and it is an avenue that I am now researching. Keep your mom at her home and give your children the stability of their home with you. Good luck, your family is very fortunate to have you.
lovingdaughter

Hello,

I just wanted to say hello and tell Edrex that things have a way of working themselves out with time. I do know what you mean about timing with things our loved ones seem to do. It seems like the biggest things happen when we have something else going on. I have handled this by not discussing anything about dad with my husband and nothing about my husband to my dad. It works wonderful!!! And dad is no longer allowed to know when I go on vacation because he always pulls something. Last Christmas he stoped taking his meds and got really sick and spent Christmas in the hospital while I was on a cruise worrying the whole time. But the calls stopped as soon as I reached a few miles out at sea...

Anyway my dad is doing better, I just have come to the realization that he is not going to take care of himself, because he wants all the wrong foods that are making him sick. I can't do it for him and I told him today I won't be yelled at anymore because I care about him and if he wants to eat himself to death he can call a cab to go to the emergency room every week!! He did not like that at all.

Well hope everyone is doing good, I am in the middle of exams all week so everybody stay wonderful and do something for yourself this week. The spa sounds so great ladies it is so fun.....and relaxing.....see you their!!!!!
Alice

I just wanted to thank everyone for your kind thoughts. They are a tremendous comfort to me. (Of course, as a caregiver I wish I had more time right now to devote to offering comfort to so many others of you facing great challenges.) Again, thank you.

Alice, you sound just like me, I get sick of being yelled at for caring too. Just have to learn to put up a force field to block the missiles. LOL Good Luck on your exams! Take care,
Nauseated

Edrex, Please don't feel like venting is playing the martyr. I am sure that's what everyone thinks of me also. I almost feel like when I am telling my very close friends the same thing over and over again, that they must feel like killing me on the other end of the phone. Sometimes I get on the phone and make myself not say anything about my situation.

My husband, maybe 10 years ago, said to me "I hope you don't come to the point in your life that you regret not having a life". I, with my know it all self, said "I will never regret taking care of my parents". Unfortunately, I have hit mid life, I am 47. I am regretting not having a life. I am regretting it so, that I too, put myself in a psyc ward for a couple of days. It didn't get me any where, I still have the same problem. But, if i could change anything, I would have set my boundaries with my parents, as far as what i could do caregiving wise. I am trying to set them now, but it seems too late. Now, I am stuck and so very unhappy.

Vent all you want, I am here to listen.

Marylynne

My mom is probably going home tomorrow. Because of the steps outside her house she won't be able to walk outside for months without an aide -- a big change for someone who's been totally independent up until she broke her ankle 6 weeks ago. I'm still managing her care

My mom is probably going home tomorrow. Because of the steps outside her house she won't be able to walk outside for months without an aide -- a big change for someone who's been totally independent up until she broke her ankle 6 weeks ago. I'm still managing her care, shopping for her so she'll be stocked up when she comes home, hiring the aides who will assist her, talking to the drs, OTs, PTs, and social workers.

My wife was admitted to the psych ward five days ago. And since that happened I feel like I've been fighting Iraq and Afghanistan. The kids (all under 8) held it together for a few days, but tonight my daughter started to lose it. As much as I reassure her, she blames herself for Mommy's illness. She's a smart kid. I've never used the words mental illness, but she knows it's not like when other people go to the doctor.

Every few days a pain goes through my cheek and eye and skull and I think if something happens to me who's going to take care of my babies?

After three years of unemployment I just got a new job, but I've had to be with my wife practically full time to advocate for her at the hospital. Somehow I still manage to get home and fix dinner for my kids (I do have a wonderful woman who helps me with the kids when I'm not there) and fix their broken PS2 video game controller. But I don't know how much more fixing of broken things and people I can do before I break down.

And though it's only been five days, my wife is definitely getting worse at the hospital. The doctors tell me it's too early to expect any significant improvement, but originally they told me she'd feel much better and be ready to go home within seven days. Then I go on-line and read about people who've been on the medicines they're giving my wife. Most of these people are still suffering six months to ten years after they started treatment.

My wife hates the hospital. She says the hospital is what's making her sick. She begs to be released. Technically, no one's holding her there. She's free to go if she really wants to. But she knows she's not ready to face the daily stresses of home life. And her vague plans of staying at a motel or on a friend's couch just don't make sense.

So I'm left to convince her that, as much as she hates it, staying in the hospital is the best course for her. And I present the case in favor of continued hospitalization with certainty and passion... even though I'm filled with doubt. I encourage her to trust the doctors who tell us she will make a full recovery... even though they can't give us any timeframe.

And it's not easy to tell a sad, frightened, angry 7 year old girl that we just don't know when Mommy will be well enough to come home.

My wife was so desperate to get out of the hospital, but not come back home, she thought it might be a good idea if SHE moved in with my mom and took care of her. At first, I thought that was the craziest plan I'd ever heard. But who knows? My mom's healthy from the neck up and my wife's healthy from the neck down. Maybe together, they make one well-adjusted, able-bodied person.

There. That's it. Just had to vent.

Wow, edrex it sounds as if things are more complicated. I sure wish I had the answers for you. I feel bad for your little ones, they must miss Mommy so much. I couldn't stand being away from my kids for more than one day, but I'm not in your wifes position, and can't understand that. I'm praying for you, and for her strength. Take care of yourself. Kids need you, wife needs you too, maybe you can get someone else to take care of Mom, while you care for the others. Good Luck, Nauseated

Thanks, Nauseated. It's funny. It all feels unreal. Maybe I'm in some kind of deep denial, but I've been so busy through all this I haven't had a chance to FEEL any of it. It's almost feels like I'm watching a movie.

It probably feels numbing because it is. Shock is like that. This is definitely a crisis. There are plenty of medications out there, and if the one she's on doesn't help, perhaps you should try something else? What does the doctor say about her condition? Have they diagnosed it by giving it a name? Is it something treatable that has a positive outcome, or are they vague because they don't know? Sounds like you received help for your Mom and children. How about for you and the girls? What do the Social Workers recommend as a help for your children in cases like this? So sorry for all you have to go through right now. Sounds like a time to reach out to God who is bigger than all this. He will be your source of wisdom, strength, comfort and direction. Praying for a miracle or two is not out of the question, as you have some tough situations to care for all around you. The valley is dark and cloudy at times, but God can make the light shine again. Trust him to see carry you and your loved ones through this storm. It is a walk of faith, even when we can't see how all is going to work out. Perhaps God is just waiting for you to cry out to him. There's a couple of families from our church who have been through similar situations, and we have seen amazing answers come to them through prayer. Know you are not alone, and that someone is praying for you. I encourage you to drop to your knees, and ask God to help you carry the burdens. Let us know how you are doing.

OMG edrex, I thought I had problems, I don't know how you are holding it together! It just goes to show you that we really don't get more then we can handle. So someone must think you can handle all this stress and emotional turmoil.

I hope you get some relief soon. Are you going to your new job? I believe that is very important for you now, it can get your mind off the family for maybe a little big but at least you are employed not. I hope your kids will see how wonderful of a father they have and I am sure they will. Those little ones always know when something is wrong don't they? People think they are not seeing things and they know. But kids are resiliant and bounce back so hope and pray your wife will recover quickly to help you out.

And I hope your mother does well too. Wow I really thought I was going crazy with just my dad and husband to take care of now I feel slightly stupid for complaining so much.

Try to get time out for a few minutes to get yourself together--your family needs you most now. Obviously you can do it or you would not be handling it right now. I am praying for you and your family. I wish I could help you in some way--let us know how things are going for you and we will be here to listen whenever you need to vent.

Alice

edrex,

Have they given you a name for what the believe is affecting your wife? How young is the baby? Does anyone think she might have postpartum disorder? Anxiety attacks? We have been through much of this and I can tell you, the first drug doesn't always work. Sometimes you have to go through a few until you hit the right one. I know that this sounds really cruel, but you need to stop going to the hospital all the time and takes care of yourself and those children. Give them as much stability as you can. Your wife is in the best place she can be right now and your children need you more than she does. Give yourself some time to rest and be there for your children. Go to work, give them some financial stability, and then you can start putting the pieces together. Good luck and keep writing to us. We are all here for you and your family.
lovingdaughter