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I need some advice! My mom has lived with my husband and myself for the last 21/2 years. We both agreed to have her come live with us since she was so unhappy in the nursing home. How to I tell her I don't want her to live with us anymore? It would mean a nursing home for her and that would probably just about kill her. She DID NOT adjust well the last time she was in a nursing home. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

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My 81 year old Dad lived with my wife and kids after my Mom passed for almost a year. He drove us crazy with his opposite political rants/racism and monopolized every conversation. My kids are still little in elementary school and I feel like I was missing out on their lives, always helping my Dad. It really put a strain on my relationship with my wife. He got mad that I wanted to charge him $400 a month and left. Now he wants to come back and I'm not having it. I feel super guilty although am done being his caregiver. He has enough money to live in a retirement community although is the cheapest man alive and wont sell off his stocks to move in. So, he's angry at me... although I'm learning to live with it. It's crazy frustrating.
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I got to the same point with my mother when I knew it was time for her to move to an Assisted Living home she refused and moved into a senior living apartment complex instead. She couldn't handle taking care of herself, the dog, and apartment space. She was tired all the time could not get the laundry done. And the apartment was really starting to smell because she would not take the dog out to go to the bathroom. She finally had a seizure and they said she could not live on her own and she had to go into assisted living. It was hard to tell her to go. But my husband and I did it. I knew she would fail at living by herself but she is bull headed and would not listen to reason. She is in assisted living now and has had many more falls since and I still have to take care of her when she goes to the hospital. There is no other family around to help me. Her sisters in three years have seen her for a total of 7 days in two separate trips and have decided that she is fine there is nothing the matter with her. She can't remember what day it is and is asking me where her checkbook is every other day, we took it away because she was giving all her money away. When she can't write a check any longer she wouldn't know how to, she has no money and just expects me to come up with it for her. She can hardly read any longer because she doesn't know what many of the words mean or what a sentence is saying. No, I didn't want to spend my life taking care of her. My brother is of no help he is three states away. And she lives for seeing him, the blessed child that can do no wrong. I'm the sh!t in the corner when he is around, and even when he is not. It would be okay, if he would actually help to take care of her. But he doesn't. He has come to see her once in three years for a week. He calls. That's all he has to do. He threw all of her belongings away. Guess who has had to hear about that for the last 3 years. And replace the items that I have been able to. My best suggestion is don't take them in ever. Because even if you can get them out you still have to take care of them. Did my mom or dad ever take care of their parents? NO. Why do I? Will my son take care of me? No. Not on your life unless I want Hannibal Lector taking care of me.

Thanks for letting me vent. It has been a rough week.
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Thank you Carla. I know it will not be easy for me...but I must go through with it. I put a deposit down and her move in is 3/1.
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Hobeclaire - It sounds like your mother needs more care than you with a job outside the home, can provide. I think you need to be firm with your mother and not be swayed by her crying. She will be safer and better cared for in her senior apartment and you will be able to get your life back.
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Mom and I moved into her home which had been a rental. Going on 4 years now, and I can't take it anymore. She is 86 and I am 63. I've discussed moving and she starts crying. I cannot in good conscious leave her alone. She is very forgetful, cannot recognize pictures of my sister and her family. I have to shut off the breaker for the oven when I leave for work.She forgot she was cooking which caused the smoke detectors to go off. She phones up her friends and I can hear her making up ugly stories about me and disparaging remarks about my boyfriend. I have helped her in every way I can; doctors appts, picking up medication, cooking, cleaning, yardwork, monetarily etc, etc. I've taken her to a beautiful senior living apt which I'm prepared to subsidize. She was on board and then backed out saying she wants to die in her house. She will not allow caegivers in the house. I'm at my wits end!
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wantout - I'll give you the same advice I gave shez a few posts back. If you want people to respond, you need to start your own thread. This one is years old and most people are no longer looking at it.

What I would do if I were you is wait for the next crisis, 911 call, hospitalization, etc. and use that as the occasion to talk to your parents about their future. Tell them that it's getting to be too much for you and you would like to help them find a senior residence where their care needs would be met. I can imagine it won't be easy and you may get a lot of push-back. Make it clear that you will be around and won't be abandoning them.

This is a tough, tough situation. The typical course of events is that the parent becomes more and more needy and dependent on the adult child for care, while the adult child is becoming more and more exhausted and frustrated with the limitations that caregiving has imposed on them. It's one thing to care for someone who is getting better. It is another to be locked into the needs of someone who never improves but inexorably declines over time. I feel for you. I hope you are able to work this out and get some freedom soon.
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I understand wantout ... I have the same guilt and feel (know) I have been grieving my loss of family and my life for a long time... (some of which are alive... but, I am now pretty dead inside).. I tried all kinds of things ... talking... doing... nothing penetrated.... no one in my 'family' stepped up to the plate... didn't lift a finger to support me for the support of 'our' mother... Holidays will never be the same... while I don't have support to make tough decisions, you do... This is what it will take...
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Both of my parents live with me and my husband plus my 35 year old son and his 11 year old daughter and another granddaughter who is17 (four generations)! The main problem is my parents . I'm tired of being responsible for them and have a lot of guilt with my feelings. I'm 61 and my husband and I have our own construction company and I handle all the office work except for income tax filing. I feel like I lost my parents already even though they are still here. We've always had a close relationship but I seem to feel a lot of resentment for them bring here. I'm ready for life to be easier and size down and for me and my husband to have more alone time. Neither of my parents would have taken there parents in. My question is how do I tell them I think it would be better for them to go to assisted living and for me not to feel guilty.
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shez - . Sounds like you need to make some big changes and get mum and dad into a facility. Talk to your local Agency for Aging and also Social Services about your situation and say you can't go on like this. Starting your own thread would help. If you click on the 3 white bars n the upper left you can start a discussion or ask a question. Good luck!
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Shez1964 - You will likely get more responses if you start your own thread with this topic. The thread you're posting on is many years old and readers are probably not looking at it much anymore. Good luck!
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This too is my big dilemma. My parents live with us, along with my daughter and two grandkids. Full house! My mother has been ill fir many years, herats and lungs failing slowly. We know her time wih us is short which makes this so hard. My dad does nohing to help out at all. I work full time, i am the only one in our house who has employment. The only help i get is from my daughter who goes to uni , is a singke mum. My hubby is quite ill also and tries his best. My moher is getting quite icious toward me and my husband. They have no money and no where else to go. Any suggestions would be aporeciated.
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I agree wholeheartedly. In most areas of the country nursing homes are vastly improved. In some, they are remarkable.The facility I just toured allows visitors 24/7 so that families can stop by at any time. They have a movie theater, cafes and other gathering spots for residents. It's a whole new world (not that more improvements shouldn't always be made) from what our elders often remember.

Also, guilt is not an option. You need to do what's best for your mother which may be that she needs to be around peers and have professionals to care for her. Most households need two working adults and so no one home can stay home to care for the elder. In these cases, nursing homes may be the best choice for elders who need a lot of care.

I'm aware that there are still communities with terrible nursing homes. This usually is due to lax state laws. People need to pressure states to offer quality help for seniors. That, in turn will help everyone.

Take care,
Carol
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Babalou - that's exactly right. They are like cruise ships that never leave port.

Marco - Expect tours to last approximately two hours, including lunch or breakfast if you're an early bird. Talk to other residents because some of them will love to you about the place. If no one wants to talk to you, that's probably a red flag.

Guilt is not rational. I think you know that. You need to do what is best for mom. You have determined that she needs to move so that's what's best. Your mother needs to be around other people her age. Unless you have always been a multigenerational household, this is not how most people are used to living nowadays.
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Marco, many of our parents remember the nusing homes of 40 years ago abd shudder. Most Assisted Living places are like cruise ships. Many offer tours with a sample meal in the dining room for the potentoal client and family members. You mihht want to schedule some of these with your mom.
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I'm in the same situation and also looking for answers. The guilt of wanting to move my mother to assistance living/nursing home is very heavy but I have to consider my wife state of mind and health.
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My mom has been living with me, my husband and ten 10 year old daughter for over a year. I have five (5) other siblings who never help any. She stays at home all day messing and is really inlove with my husband and says stuff such as I know your jealous of me and your husband. When I say well that isn't the case he doesnt' even like you, she goes off cussing me (yes my daughter hears this). She literally eats everything she sees and spends her entire check on what she wants and to hell with us. We also support my brother who is in his late 50's but he stays in our extra home and does try to do things at least. My mother is nuts and puts on fuzzy slippers and night gowns and walks around like she is QUEEN of my house and I am done.
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No, you are not a bad daughter. If your mother has dementia, it will progress. If living together didn't work when she was healthy, it sure as shootin' won't work with dementia. You first obligation is to your children. In addition, you don't owe your mother (or anyone else) an explanation. Why is she in a nursing home? Because that's where she can get professional, around the clock care. Dementia is not for amateurs.
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My mom is in a nursing home and was transferred there from a rehab center after having major surgery. Her doctor says she has Valcular Dementia. It is mild right now, but I'm afraid it will get worse. She wants to get out of the nursing home and live with me, but I've lived with her before and it did not work out. She was always controlling, wanting everything her way and disrespects my wishes. When she lived with me (7 years total) it was a strain in my marriage too. Back then I didn't have kids, but now I have a 14 year old and a 9 year old. Now with her dementia her personality has been worsen. She seems to not be able to control her words and sometimes actions and says things that can hurt people. In fact, they have her on psychotic medication because she once tried to leave the rehab center. She says if she leaves the nursing home she'll stop taking the psychotic meds, God help us! She's trying to make me feel guilty for not taking her home with me, but I feel if I do it will be stressful for the entire family. Am I a bad daughter?
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When you don't care that's a big sign of a problem. I've encountered that on more than one occasion. I think we feel that having resentment is wrong when in reality it is an honest emotion. The question becomes how to deal with it. Let me ask you something.... why do you have to be around when everyone comes to see her? it's not selfish to leave those that come visit her in their hands while you guys go take care of yourselves. Besides, when no one can find you or your family to meet her needs, guaranteed they will step up to the plate.

Take a deep breath and know you are not alone in this. I'm just so relieved I no longer have to deal with my mother. Now on to some insanity of my own choosing! ;)
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Thanks Mitzipinki and Babalou for your responses. Mitzi: Like you, when I speak my mind, my mother does get indignant, but she does get over it. It might take a while, but during that time my life is peaceful. We've even had family counseling years ago to try to fix things. When the counselor seemed to hone in on mother being the cause of most of the family dysfunction, she got up and walked out. Needless to say, she didn't speak to anyone for a while until she got over it. I think she's just set in her ways even more so now. I did tell her that I need her to go somewhere for a week or two so my husband and I could have a break. I also told her to expect my husband and I to go out every weekend, and maybe overnight. She said she would find someplace to go at those times....we'll see.

Baba, you're probably right about abused children growing up with the guilt necessary to take in an elderly parent. We've been conditioned that we're not worth much, always a disappointment, and not very bright. Although I no longer believe that of myself, I still feel the guilt. I think I feel guilt now because I SOOO don't want to live with her. I resent her because we had to buy a bigger house to accommodate our living situation, we have company all the time because they want to visit mother, and I no longer have the freedom to come and go as we wish. Just typing that last sentence makes me feel guilty. I try to cut her some slack because of her age and her circumstance, but I'm so depressed right now that I can't even care.
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Jazz, I'm not sure why you would subject yourself and your family to a spiteful, nasty person who abused you as a child. I've noticed a pattern on this message board, though. It seems to me that abused children are more likely to feel obligated to have their elderly parents live with them, or feel that they have to move into the elders' home to care for them. The more "normal" the parent/child relationship (respectful boundaries, child is expected to leave nest and have own life/career/family) the more likely that the elderly parent is well taken care of in an Assisted living or good nh environment.

She sounds depressed. Has she been evaluated by a geriatric psychiatrist for depression and/or mental illness?

Is it FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that keeps you from finding an alternative living arrangement for her?
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jazz, I had a mother who tried that with me and she didn't live with me. My reply was always to her, "Last time I checked, I was not married to you nor answer to you." Oh would she get indignant, but she got over it. If she didn't.... I always had time for peace in my life without her bull.

It is important to set boundaries even in sharing a home and you need to lay those down regardless of what her reaction will be. You have already seen what happens without them. Don't let her take the best part of you. Maybe you have to remind her that this is not a walk down memory lane where you are 12 and she's got authority over you. Sometimes a reminder can snap them out of it, but if she is narcissistic like mine was over a lifetime, it took a little more bluntness.
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Glad to see I'm not alone, but sorry for all of you going through a similar situation. My dad died a few years ago and mom was afraid to be alone so we sold her house for her and bought a bigger home that could accommodate mom, myself and husband, and the large family we knew would be visiting mother. My home has become the place where everyone comes to see her. I'm one of five children, but none of her other children bother to come by to take her out for the day, or even keep her overnight to give my husband and I a break. We're in our early 50s and miss our weekends out hanging out with friends. My mother is highly critical, hurtful, spiteful and selfish. She says what she wants whenever she wants, and thinks I'm 12 years old again living in HER home. I try to bite my tongue, but there are times when she oversteps her bounds and tries to tell me what to do, when to shower, how to speak to my husband, etc. She's in her mid 80s and healthy so she'll probably be with us for a while. Lately I have been resenting her. We never got a long when I was younger, I spent years in therapy because of her verbal and physical abuse, and I'm not even the favorite daughter!!! Not only is she totally dependent on me because she has nothing to do all day (she absolutely refuses to go to a senior center), but she also is afraid at night so if my husband and I go out on a Friday or Saturday, she waits up for us. We can never stay out overnight because she's afraid to be alone. I feel hopeless and am starting to hate my life! Does anyone have any insight?
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heavyload, hear me out before you begin to think I'm not sympathetic. My mother "tried" to raise me to be her provider for when she was older. Yes, as children we do have a responsibility to care for our parents, but to what extent?

My mother was a narcissist. From what I have heard from her I think I know what went wrong, but back in the day, they did not diagnose depression or such. My dad was there to always kind of be her guiding force. I never knew if there were any problems. But as life changed for her as she got older, she got miserable!! I believe that dad could no longer control certain aspects about her narcissistic behavior or depression. And when dad had his stroke and life took another drastic turn... oh my!!

She was miserable and dad was a handful with having dementia. Being an only child, I tried to do things for a while after I had gone back to work. I could not do it. I had to get assisted living to help. Knowing my mother as I had and my dad with dementia, there was NO WAY I was going to live with them and I had my own household to take care of them.

Sometimes caregiving means doing what is best for them. I needed people around to give dad the stimulus he needed so mom wouldn't provide the stress level for dad. He couldn't handle it. Mom raised me (due to narcissism) to believe that I was her "slave" (not in those words), but she made it perfectly clear. I ended up having to make it perfectly clear I was not there for her.

So I ended up having to put them in AL because there was no other way. Don't get me wrong, things did not end up real sweet there either. I still had to be there frequently, but it was a lot less than what I had been doing. I had to work with staff to understand a narcissist and mom's behavior.

But in the end, I knew she was not going to be happy whatever happened, so I had to do what would provide her the care she was entitled to as a human being (not as a nasty mother), and what was best for dad with dementia and lastly what was best for me too.

Not easy, but I was raised by a generation that you take care of your elders. But to me I learned that taking care of elders does not always mean I have to do it personally. My parents are both gone and I miss my father terribly, but not my mother. I lived an intense life under her hand and to be free of that level of nasty intensity is freeing!!!!!

Relax (try) and do what you need to do. If she is miserable regardless of what situation she is in, there is nothing you can do to help her. Give her the best of what you can at a distance and that does not negate your love for her. It just keeps sanity and health in tact!
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I am 46yrs old, married for 28 yrs., 2 children 1-13yrs. olds, 1-8yrs old, my father passed away about 8 yrs. ago now my mother ( now 65 yrs.) and we were like sisters, EVERYONE always said they wished they had a relationship with their mother like I had, after daddy died she didn't leave the house but maybe 1-2 times a week, We combined households after 1 yr. and a lot of thought, we were excited to be under the same roof, THEN is when it all started, we sold our house and built on to the end of her, she kept ALL of her home that she and daddy had, She started wanting to control everything and everyone, we allowed her to FORCE us to sell things we wanted to keep, she wanted to pick HER place to put her chair down in our part, she demanded to park next to the door, I finally told her NO on that one, I had a small baby at the time and it was easier for me to load and unload closer to the door, she has run completely thru my husbands will to help her, he hardly ever speaks to her, she has tattled on my children to the point they don't want to be around her, and she is sneaky in trying to get her way,
She is a woman that KNOWS everything, she a negative attitude, never has anything nice to say, I am a professional cook and I have NEVER cooked ANYTHING that she thought was good, she is always telling me what I did wrong. She has the answer for everything.
This is what I have always wanted : I wanted to set my mother up to ENJOY the rest of her life as carefree as I could make it for her, she lives here rent free, we pay for her lights, phone, water, cable, garbage, food ( other than what she chooses to buy) before I took over the company she went out and bought a new car and passed that to us to pay for and we did, when it was paid for she wanted me to keep on taking that amount out of our account and give it to her, I said no, she got mad and pouted, she ran up a credit card bill over 5000.00 and passed that on to us, I made her pay 1/2, I NEVER wanted these kinds of problems, I wanted her to go out and have friends and meet people, she claimed that my daddy was the only reason she didn't, 8 yrs later she is still at the house, I want to be a kind / loving/caring daughter, but I am finding that I am starting to HATE her and I don't want to, I don't want to think in my head, OMG here she comes again, I don't want to roll my eyes when she drives up under the carport. I am finding that EVERYTHING she does is driving me crazy,
She will draw you into conversation and then she will pick something you say and just go on and on about it, We have found that we can't do anything nice for her because if you do it ONE time then you have to do it forever, ( My husband took her car and washed it for her one day and then 3 week later she came in and said you need to clean my car again it is dirty) she is like a person that you try to avoid at all cost.
I really don't think she nor I deserve to be in this, but you can't get her to change except if you pitch a fit, then I have to hear that I'm just like my daddy, NOW I understand why he was that way.
WHAT can I do ??? I really want her older years to be happy and NO ONE in this house is ever happy and it is even effecting my children
SOMEONE PLEASE HELP !!!!
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Lisaanne, I think you are right.... my mom has a lot of anxiety when her routine is "disturbed" but I find that when I step out of her routine that she "tries" to impose on me, she operates in the assisted living environment so much better. I think to some degree we have to learn to let go. It becomes a codependency issue and we feed off each other. It is not easy to let go when we have been such a big part of their caregiving, but once the separation and time has passed, we find out that it becomes an enjoyable family instead of time we dread.
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so we had to relocate and when I did mom went into an assisted living facility. she was diagnosed with altzhiemer's soon after my drug addicted brother "her chosen one" was killed in an auto accident. her abusive behavior continued but I know now it was the onset of the disease. she is still oriented most days just has no short term memory. when I brought her here she screamed and cursed and cried for 2 hours until I couldn't take it any more, so the caremanager stepped in and told me not to see her for 2 weeks! I called and went to see her through their monitoring system (cameras) and she was fine and adjusted well. after 2 weeks she was contrite and happy to see me. it took her a full 3 months before it was safe to bring her to our new house for a visit or to take her anywhere out of the facility. she is doing fine now has adjusted and made friends. It is WONDERFUL. Thanks again to all of you for your support and kind words. I hope I am able to help others here as I have been helped.
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Oh thank you, Ladeeda. I feel so much better now. I know you are 100% correct in everything you said. You have helped me feel much better. Hugs to you and thank you again.
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donna, no you did the right thing, you had abandoned YOURSELF some where along this journey.... honey, if you can no longer do it, that does not mean failure, abandonment, giving up, none of those things..... it simpley means, you can not do it anymore... if you were at any other 'job' would you feel this way if you couldn't do it anymore???? Maybe after some rest, getting some of your health back, and seeing that your mom is being taken care of.... you will let that guilt go.... I know there are all kinds of 'feelings' connected with this, but as tired as you are right now, things just feel bigger than what they are... give yourself some time, and if you brought her home out of 'guilt' and something happened to her or you, you would never forgive yourself..... it takes a lot of courage to say, I'm done, I did the best I could, for as long as I could.... of course she wants to come home..... but she will adjust.... and you have adjustments to make also..... take care of yourself, so when you do go visity her, she gets 100% of you during that visit... she can't have that now with her living with you..... it is your turn..... I have nothing but admiration for the job you have done, and more admiration for you being able to have the courage to say you have had enough.... It may not 'feel' like a good thing, but it is.... sending prayers and hugs to you.... you did the right thing.....
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donna - you made the right decision - I am 74 and my mother 99 and as the caregiver ages, a whole new set of problems arises. My health has suffered from the stress. My mother has borderline personality disorder (had it all her life) and probably a little dementia has developed the past few years. What I could do in my 60's I cannot do in my 70's, and I am heathy compared to many my age. Despite that I developed systemic candida over a year ago and am still on meds for it and working to regaining my strength and digestive system health. I attibute the illness developing to this extent to the stress of caregiving. I have had candida infections before but it never spread like that. Mother is in an ALF (having been moved at her request twice in the past couple of years - I could never have her in my home with the BPD). She is doing well - her physical health is excellent - though she complains continuously and wants me to "fix" every little crisis, but I can never do it to her satisfaction. I have had to distance myself to regain my health. I wish it were different. I am considering removing myself from being POA (she handles her own finances still) as she has been playing games with it - asking me to get involved and them slamming me when I do - and I don't need the stress. I know my situation is not quite a parallel with yours, or yours, heart, but the principles are the same. You do what you can and when the burden becomes too heavy - for whatever reason - you have to make some changes. I do that without guilt as I have "paid my dues" over the years and gone the extra mile more than once and become ill by not curtailing my cargiving activities sooner. I will not make that mistake again - I have children and grandchildren to think of, as well as myself and a sig other.
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