My sweet husband, Bill, passed away last night in our home of end-stage Alzheimer's. My heart is aching. I loved him so much and was blessed to be able to care for him at home during his illness and until the end. His passing wasn't unexpected and I thought I was prepared - but, somehow, I feel unprepared for this feeling of loss. He's been on Hospice since the beginning of April 2014, which has been a blessing. He was confined to a hospital bed in our home since the begin of May. Although the journey has been hard, I am grateful for the time I had with him. He gave me 28 truly wonderful years of marriage. He is the most kind, gentle, loving and unselfish human being I have ever known - and I am a better person for knowing him. He honestly treated me like a queen every single day of my life. I just left the funeral home after four hours of making decisions, arrangements, etc. His headstone will read, "Here lies a kind man." I'm exhuasted, but my heart still wants to break
I remember it as if it were yesterday. It's been 18 years. (He was much older than I. I'm 67 now.) After all the hoopla was over, I went outside my country home at night and screamed. All the tension . . . all the pent-up emotions . . . just had to be released. I was lost.
But, know what? The sun will shine again. The joy will return. You'll always hold him in your heart and always be reminded. Music, perhaps, a special song, or the smell of spring time, or the bitter winter cold will bring back strong feelings that you'll marvel at. And, for a longer-than-you'd think time? You'll cry. Or get choked up. And then one day, you'll find yourself humming . . . or laughing like the old days . . . life will take a turn for the better, and you'll marvel at THAT.
Just keep on keeping on, my friend. My mantra was, "Just wake up every single morning and do the next right thing." I still do that after 18 years.
I went to GriefShare (go to the internet to find one near you) and it helped. Also, there is a widow's site on dailystrength that helped. "A Grief Observed" by CS Lewis - excellent book
When folks tell you to take care of yourself now, do so. The exhaustion should pass and you will have the strength to go on and honor Bill's memory in all the ways that come to your heart. If you have a good physician, go get a check up, be pro-active about your health, and stay as active as possible.
From my hurting heart to yours...Hugs.
Just rest and take really good care of yourself. You know that is what your husband would want for you now.
Soon enough all the exhausting memories will dull and you'll be smiling thinking of the happier ones.. Hugs.