By clicking Talk to a Specialist
for information about our privacy practices.
"yeah, I've got this."
Wow, was I ever wrong. In addition to the harm I was doing to myself and impending burnout, as I'm dealing with narcissist, I ended up dealing with
a mob of user types who have been manipulated into thinking there will
be a payday somewhere, somehow if they harass and guilt trip me enough on
behalf of my father to do even more for him.
Of course NDad is sitting in the middle of it all laughing at all the drama. He's
been in control, finances secure, zero intent of sharing anything with anyone.
So moral of the story, care giving for very ill senior, especially a narcissist, necessitates you do your own excellent self care. No super hero stuff, it's just not reality.
@FrazzledMama, "some days I'm the windshield and other days I'm the bug. And some days, I'm the bug on the cracked windshield lol."
I think I'm a cracked bug, lol.
As others and you have said, you can feel like things are under control, you have good plans in place and then WHAM! Although our mother is now in MC, there are still those moments when I get calls (she gets out of control with some kind of sun-downing and they want ME to come deal with it!) Generally they can redirect/refocus her, but once in a while... nope. I had to fight the doctor to get Lorazipam ordered for those times. Dealing with all the finances, paperwork, forms for various issues, coordinating clean out/fix up of condo, etc has been on my plate, and YES, absolutely just that can get overwhelming at times! Thankfully the condo is finally on the market (over a year and a half, mostly due to my efforts!), so that will be off my plate, hopefully very soon!
Many cannot afford in home care help or AL, so they have to continue on this road to hell. I give kudos to all who have to do this, including the MC staff at mom's place who do the hands on care (they are the lowest paid on that totem pole.)
So, as long as you can realize this is "normal" and can find ways to alleviate those 'moments', know that you are not alone! It helps to know that you are not crazy, but it does not take away the frustrations. Do try to find some ways to get some help - Medicare, Medicaid and VA do provide some limited in-home help, so long as the person in question will accept hands-on outside help. As some have noted, this can be difficult. We tried that method first, but mom insisted she was fine, independent, can cook and clean, none of which was really true. After a few months of just one hour/day to check her meds were taken (locked dispenser) and basic check, she refused to let them in. Regroup, plan B.... move, which she totally was against! It was not easy either, but finally we got that done, so we know she is cared for and is in a safe place.
Rarely is there anyone who will help you to address how your past relationship with this person impacts your caregiving, and your feelings about caregiving, or how to deal with someone's personality as they age, and may become more of who they were in life, or become someone different... The list of issues goes on and on.
It's why I started a telephone support group for caregivers so that there would be someone who could address these issues and so many more... I provided care for my husband for 20 years and participated in caregiving for my parents.
So, that said, SuperGirl, know that you are not alone in your feelings or in your reality. Seek support, whether it's a caregiver support group, a community organization, a class, meditation, hired help for your mother, etc. Know that reaching out is critical for your own sanity and peace of mind.
Wishing you ease, and sending a virtual hug of encouragement and support.
Try not too expect too much from yourself or anyone else. This will allow you to accept whatever comes (when things do seem to fall apart) without as much disappointment.
Hugs and peace to you!
... ... and BaWham!!!!
Next dilemma, another let down or disappointment, another speed bump. It made my head spin.
There were days where I definitely felt like superwoman. I had even made jokes about being a superhero. Then There Were the Days I cried myself to sleep. I think even superheroes need a break they just never showed that on TV.
12 years after all the CH began, I am wiped out. Emotionally, I cry all the time, I am overly sensitive to everything and my DH is not doing well--and I don't know if I am distraught with the thought he may not live a lot longer or relieved that he may be choosing early death (2 heart attacks and refusing to be compliant in his post op therapy)......
I don't know if I can. The train was hasn't been on the tracks in years!!
The time I set up for my parents to have caregivers in the house to help them out. I found a great nice caregiving Agency, interviewed them while my Mom was still in the hospital after a really bad fall, the Agency interviewed me and tour the house. Lot of paperwork.
Everything was set up like clockwork, schedules were in place. Then on the third day, my Mom shooed the caregiver out because Mom caught the caregiver cleaning Mom's refrigerator. Oh dear, we have a problem in the room, and it is Mom. Dad liked the caregivers, so he and Mom would clash over this idea.
Then I had to sit at my home on pins and needles, getting very little sleep due to worry, etc. I was a senior myself, so any hands-on care was out of the question. So why did I think this was going to be simple? Mainly because I never envisioned my parents becoming a risk. I never got to see my grandparents age, so this was new territory for me.