Does anyone feel like the strongest woman in the world? Until you don't? I feel SO capable, like, hey, I can DO this! Until hell breaks loose.

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yes I get this so well, I think I can do it because I miss her and I hate my mother is three hours away living at home with my father who hates me and leaves her at home alone, doesn't spend anytime with her and it breaks my heart because I want to be that child who protected her when I was little and I cant save her now

Oh God I can relate to this. I so deluded myself, while dealing with very messy divorce, caretaking NDad through a whole slew of hospitalizations, special needs kid, etc . Living on coffee and hospital food and somehow thinking
"yeah, I've got this."

Wow, was I ever wrong. In addition to the harm I was doing to myself and impending burnout, as I'm dealing with narcissist, I ended up dealing with
a mob of user types who have been manipulated into thinking there will
be a payday somewhere, somehow if they harass and guilt trip me enough on
behalf of my father to do even more for him.

Of course NDad is sitting in the middle of it all laughing at all the drama. He's
been in control, finances secure, zero intent of sharing anything with anyone.
So moral of the story, care giving for very ill senior, especially a narcissist, necessitates you do your own excellent self care. No super hero stuff, it's just not reality.

@FrazzledMama, "some days I'm the windshield and other days I'm the bug. And some days, I'm the bug on the cracked windshield lol."

I think I'm a cracked bug, lol.

I noticed with myself, I’m changed. I went from...I can do this, to getting teary-eyed over anything.

I had to place my husband into a Memory care home. I thought with a little time everyone would get acclimated to med times, and his basic care needs. It’s been a total nightmare. They talk a great game upon signing the contract, but then everything goes wrong.

Normally, I can handle all that comes because I remind myself that I’m not having to do the clean-up and care 24/7. I think because I was on my last nerve before I placed him, that there is PTSS going on in my head.

I found out yesterday, accidentally, that the in-house facility Dr. had increased a very important anti-hallucination med from 2 pills at night to 4 pills during the day. This was not in her purview to do. This prescription comes from his neurologist, not an over-reaching in-house facility Dr. The med has a black box warning also. I came home shaking, and in tears.

Before I got to that point, I ran out to my car to call that Dr. to stop that overdosing and change it to what it first was. I had to compose myself and talk like this is no big deal, all the while I’m seeing myself shaking that woman into a coma! Incompetent fool.

I agree, what we once were, is not the person we’ve become. And does care ever end? Nope, but how we handle “the all hell is breaking loose”, does change. A good cry doesn’t hurt now and again as long as we aren’t doing it all the time.

I don't know that I've ever felt like Superwoman, but some days are definitely better than others. I guess for me it feels like some days I'm the windshield and other days I'm the bug. And some days, I'm the bug on the cracked windshield lol.

When I first noticed memory lapses, I started with learning about dementia. I knew there was no way I could personally care for our mother (physically and emotionally) so I also explored options. We were lucky in that dad had a good job, great pension and they saved a lot. Tried feeding what I learned to my brothers, but they were clueless! After checking out one place, they were both saying 'gee, for that price I'll take her in!' This is NOT like when our mother and her sisters shared the care of our grandmother - she did not have dementia, and passed in her 70s. She was easy to care for. Dementia is NOT easy to care for!!!

As others and you have said, you can feel like things are under control, you have good plans in place and then WHAM! Although our mother is now in MC, there are still those moments when I get calls (she gets out of control with some kind of sun-downing and they want ME to come deal with it!) Generally they can redirect/refocus her, but once in a while... nope. I had to fight the doctor to get Lorazipam ordered for those times. Dealing with all the finances, paperwork, forms for various issues, coordinating clean out/fix up of condo, etc has been on my plate, and YES, absolutely just that can get overwhelming at times! Thankfully the condo is finally on the market (over a year and a half, mostly due to my efforts!), so that will be off my plate, hopefully very soon!

Many cannot afford in home care help or AL, so they have to continue on this road to hell. I give kudos to all who have to do this, including the MC staff at mom's place who do the hands on care (they are the lowest paid on that totem pole.)

So, as long as you can realize this is "normal" and can find ways to alleviate those 'moments', know that you are not alone! It helps to know that you are not crazy, but it does not take away the frustrations. Do try to find some ways to get some help - Medicare, Medicaid and VA do provide some limited in-home help, so long as the person in question will accept hands-on outside help. As some have noted, this can be difficult. We tried that method first, but mom insisted she was fine, independent, can cook and clean, none of which was really true. After a few months of just one hour/day to check her meds were taken (locked dispenser) and basic check, she refused to let them in. Regroup, plan B.... move, which she totally was against! It was not easy either, but finally we got that done, so we know she is cared for and is in a safe place.

It is sooo normal to feel strong and capable until you don't. Most people who take on caregiving do so without fully realizing how much time, energy, attention, care, etc. is needed, and no one really teaches you how to take care of yourself while caring for someone else.
Rarely is there anyone who will help you to address how your past relationship with this person impacts your caregiving, and your feelings about caregiving, or how to deal with someone's personality as they age, and may become more of who they were in life, or become someone different... The list of issues goes on and on.
It's why I started a telephone support group for caregivers so that there would be someone who could address these issues and so many more... I provided care for my husband for 20 years and participated in caregiving for my parents.
So, that said, SuperGirl, know that you are not alone in your feelings or in your reality. Seek support, whether it's a caregiver support group, a community organization, a class, meditation, hired help for your mother, etc. Know that reaching out is critical for your own sanity and peace of mind.
Wishing you ease, and sending a virtual hug of encouragement and support.

No not at all. Although my mother is a kind person and grateful now for what I do for her she resisted suggestions for years. I also think I have some of the weaknesses I do due to her personality. But then I'm not all that bad so maybe it's a draw but when a lot starts to fall apart at the same time I want to pull the covers over my head. Actually I really don't want to but it can be hard to find strength I need to persevere. Perhaps I am not the best person to have answered this because I never feel totally capable.

LOL MaryKathleen 😉


I didnt plan.on this..i am not stong anymore.. thought i could do it all but i yelling and screaming all night and day and seroquel is not doing anything. Doc said mom had early dementia. No assistance because she is not qualify for.medicaid.. this has been going on for 5 years..i ws work n do it with assistance and now i cant. My life one wants to make decisions..they are all waiting for the inevitable..that dreading phone call...