Does anyone else feel guilt about their resentment?

Yes, I go back and forth constantly! I resent my mother for having no idea what looking after someone with dementia is like, I resent her for expecting me to do everything without help, I resent her for leaving poo for me to clean up.  I resent her for forgetting that I have a disability and that everything I do causes me physical pain. I resent her for thinking her home is better/more important than mine and that I should therefore enjoy every second I'm here instead of there. I resent her for not noticing or seeming to care how much of my life I've given up to look after her.

Then I feel guilty because she's dying and she can't help that her mind is going, and I buy her flowers or treats or yet another photo magazine about the royal family.

PeytonsMimi, I had the same resentment for my parents. They had a wonderful fun-free delightful 25 year retirement, and when they became much older [90's] and had more of a challenge doing things around their house, I had steam coming out of my ears.

Not because they were aging, but they refused to dive into their savings to hire caregivers and tradesmen to help them around the house. And wouldn't consider downsizing to something more manageable.

My parents had zero clue what they were putting me through as neither lived close enough to care for their own parents. They were in denial that I was also a senior with my own age decline issues.

I use to tell my Dad, when his Mom needed help, that she had about 15 relatives that all could help her, and they did.... same with my Mom's parents, there were about 10 relatives that all lived by and were helping. Then there was me, doing everything that all those relatives were during as there were no relatives in-state to help me. It was physically and emotionally exhausting.

My parents recently passed, and my health isn't the greatest due to all the stress. I had to throw away my bucket list, as travel is now out of the question. Yet, my parents did almost everything on their bucket list. It just didn't seem fair. Of course, by the time I found this website here, it was very difficult to set boundaries :P

For the last 35 yrs. since my mother divorced my stepfather she has never been independent., financially or otherwise, not much of a work ethic, nothing, nodda. It has been draining on my brother and I. She has always been told by her mom & sister to "get the boys to do it!" to the point we have felt abused and not allowed to live our own lives. Now that she is getting older (82) and her health is declining we have our hands full. When my age or younger and healthy she never tried to do anything for herself, first to grab the phone and call for help. There are some resources out there but she is a wall flower and will not reach out- stubborn and independent in her mind however in reality she never has been. We feel that now she really does need help we are already worn-down. We both feel resentment towards her for being such a drag on us for the majority of our lives and it doesn't look like it will end soon. Maybe when I'm over 70, ugh. I feel your frustration.

Do you think that you are treating yourself right? You might be taking excellent care of mother, but, what about you? Due to circumstances, making certain sacrifices might not be that reasonable. I'd explore if that's your case. If the resentment is just too much, too much stress, too much energy, etc.....maybe, it's just too much. There's no fault in that. I've read that guilt can be associated with caretaker fatigue. I'd explore that. I was blessed that as I grew up, I was taught that you feel guilty when you've done something wrong, so, when I'm giving my all, doing my best, etc. I don't feel guilty. I feel at peace with that. I hope you can find some answers that can bring you some relief.

Mimi, you don't resent your mother's failing eyesight, her diminished hearing, her loss of mobility, or even her shortcomings as a nurse to her own husband, mother and MIL.

What you resent is its being taken for granted that you will make up for these things. Don't blame you. But isn't that why you're recognising the need for change?

I feel for you--we start everyday with fresh resolve to be "better" and it slowly is eaten away by "stuff". My hubby is almost totally deaf--he's only 66 and I find that when he is home all day for a few days, I have to get away from him. I done permanent damage to my vocal chords trying to get him to hear me.

I also have been PT caregiver for my mom and I get so angry, tired and frustrated by her, and then go home and the guilt sets in.

We can only do so much--I am constantly trying to find a balance.

Maybe a couple of days a week off would be helpful? Any option for that? I know that when DH is going to be home, I plan to leave several times a day--just b/c I am so frustrated by his deafness (which, BTW he will not treat).