Do what you ought to do and stop complaining...

This comes down to individual choice, Paul. Some make the same choice that you did. Others do not. I do believe that a parent who chooses to have children does owe those children a kind and decent raising toward making them "independent". My old Mom used to say "I am raising you to be independent, and to take care of yourself, for that is what the world will demand of you".
I do not think that a child has an obligation to care for the parent. Some choose to. Some do not. It comes down to the old "Eagle story". There are terrible floods and the eagle is attempting to save his two chicks by carrying them over the waters to safety. He has the first chick in his talons and says to it "And when I am old and weak will you alike carry me across the waters to safety". And the chick replies "Yes, father, I promise you that I will". The eagle promptly drops this chick into the raging waters where it is swept away. The eagle returns to the nest for the second babe, and while carrying it across the waters he asks the same question. The chick replies "Dear Father, I cannot. But I do promise you that I will do all in my power to save my own babies from the raging storms". This is the chick he saves.
Often when a parent needs 24/7 care the child has come to that "empty nest" time when there is not the needs of their own young any more; they are raised. And when there is not yet old age and infirmity. It is some of the most "quality time" of any life.
A spouse is of course a different question, and different promises have been made. I would do the best I can for my partner, but given that I am 78 and he 80 I am to be frank no longer capable of 24/7 care for another, not physically or mentally. Nor is he, of me.
There is also that people are either more or less capable of this care giving. And that everyone has his or her own limitations, and it is best to understand what they are, to help when able and to assist the parent in seeking the best care that can be found for the assets the parents have saved for their care.
I would not judge another person for his or her own choices in life. Life is difficult and demanding enough without that. My parents never required my care; I am thankful that I didn't have to face that. I very much believe I would not have been up to giving in home care. I was a nurse and I loved it, but I could not imagine this care being 24/7.

Paul,
Thank you for the clarification!
I have to be honest, I think it was the question/statement that struck a nerve.
My apologies for the harshness.
There are folks who post hurtful and inflammatory statements only to do damage and run away. I'm glad you're not one of them.
I imagine after reading the replies you realize that there are many of us that are caring for abusive LOs despite their sins of the past.
I am caring for two different women in different states. I am worn to a frazzle most of the time.
I'm not whining. I'm doing the very best I can.
So I would respectfully say that I am doing what I ought to do.
Thank you.

My dad taught me that you don't know what problems the other person has and you don't know their story, so be kind to people. And that means don't judge them based on your own experiences, because their experience is different. We make care decisions based on our own unique situations. Caregiving parents is different than caregiving a spouse. As we deal with other caregivers, we need to realize that caregivers get enough static from family and friends --- the last people who should be judging and criticizing a caregiver is another caregiver. It's my hope, Paul, that you can accept that not everyone will do caregiving as you did and it's ok -- they need your support, not judgement.

First let me thank all of you for your comments, suggestions and condemnations! :-). One of my wishes would be that we all can get involved with "support groups" in our respective areas of the country, or the world for that matter.

It was not because I was fearful of negative commentary on what I originally wrote here, but because being active, seemed to me, to be a good way to get involved with the rest of the world and be positive in helping others as opposed to the constant inability to think of anything other then my wife.....but that thinking about her will NEVER end ..... never! So, I was absent from the terrific commenttary here not because of fear .... :-)

To be sure, every situation is different, and I admit that one of my main concerns as my wife went down and down and down, is that the support provided by many insititutions of one kind or another is not adequate either in quality of the staffing,, use of technology, ratio of technology to residents, discussions with family members about THEIR situation and how to best, perhaps, handle same, and the like.

I found that several situations we came across did not know very much about using technology for such uses as sensors or video and audio for family to remotely keep track of their troubled family member. Falling was what often happened and most attitudes in less then high levels of good care. responded to falls by stating: "If an accident could happen in your residence then it could happen here and WE/THEY are not responsible for that." Further, such keeping track was, many said, a breach of the person's privacy! .... And imagine that, when your mate does not remember who you are!

One of the situations I thought about was three movies: Moonstruck and Willie Wanka and the Chocolate Factory. Also the NOTE BOOK......THAT ONE REALLY HELPED ME WITH MY CHILDREN......the husband's role was like mine.

A cure would be wonderful. Instead of Congress in Washington spending gigantic sums of money for three years in trying to get rid of Donald Trump, perhaps they could havw spent that money to cure Alzheimers!!!!!! And perhaps a few more diseases at that, like Polio.

Imagine too all the financial losses taken with all the riots in the United States in recent weeks! Can you imagine the amount of damage done and what other cures could have been forthcoming if funds had been spent in CURES and NOT death and damage?

AGING CARE,keep up the good work, and thanks again to all for helping me try to get over the greatest events of my wife!!!!

Paul

Tara,
Apparently there are some folks who like to stir up trouble. Hit and run if you will. Paul maybe one of those.
He said it was a "tough discussion ", when in reality it was a statement of condemnation.
You'll find many people on this site who have great advice!
Please don't let one bad apple spoil the whole bunch!!

Physically and emotionally abused, taking care of them with the help of assisted living. Mom is on Hospice and Dad about to go into Palliative care. Mom is bedridden and hallucinating. She is on Hospice. I spend the entire day feeding her, changing chuck pads.

I have three other siblings, one comes for the occasional visit.

I raised my siblings, cooked, cleaned, did laundry.

this topic isn’t tough for me but your judgement is

No one asked for a guilt trip and by far means I am not ignorant I take care of my mom always have and always will without any of my siblings helping so therefore I am done with this discussion and yes I am new here hope you all have a goodnight.

I was adopted first of all before you comment rude answers and this is not my dad he really hasn't cared for us being around because it took up to much of my mom's time so I just need a simple answer not a smart think you no it all answer thank you and have a good night and may God bless you

As I suspected, Paul has taken his ball and gone home!

Well, since the kids "Knew you would Gladly become the 24/7 person", they had no reason to step up, did they? you say no discussion,, do you mean they would not do what you wanted?

Paul,
Yes, you open up a can of worms.
You fail to take into consideration those of us (and there are many) who grew up with physically or emotionally abusive parents!!
Even having grown up with a narcissistic mother who physically neglected my basic needs and who abused me emotionally I still decided to help her while she is in assisted living. Why in the would I ever want to return to the Hell of living in the same house as my mother??
Instead of pointing fingers at your children, maybe you should look deeper into why they aren't falling over each other to come help??
Before you tell US to take the stick out of our eyes, take the log out of yours!!
I venture to guess that you won't reply to any of us!

Maybe none of your kids stepped in to care for your wife in your home because of YOU?

It’s not a coincidence that all seven kids didn’t want to take responsibility. Only common denominator in this is you.

In reading your previous posts, it appears your disappointment in your kids stems from their unwillingness to upend their own lives to create a multigenerational home to care for your wife at home. That you expect them to return the care they received as children, measure for measure. I don't sense you want to discuss options for her care, but to put out one idea only. Some of us have had 3 generations at home, with an elder who always knew best --- suffice to say, it's not the Waltons by a long shot. Life is short --- perhaps you could get some good time with your kids in the remaining years by understanding that your expectations of them aren't reasonable. Caring for a spouse is entirely different than a parent. There wasn't a thing I wouldn't have done for my spouse's care, but I had to draw boundaries with parent care because I still had responsibilities to my own family.

WOW!! Good for you Paul!! I wish we all could be perfect like you!!! Thank you lealonnie for being the voice of reason.

Paul, your wife is blessed by your care. Our family has friends of my parents we’ve known a long time and when the wife’s Alzheimer’s got advanced her husband placed her in a nursing home, got a girlfriend, and didn’t bother with his wife again. Their adult children no longer speak to their father. I mention this to say there are endless variations to how people handle the call to caregiving. Your analogy of reciprocal care, that we care for parents from an obligation because they cared for us as children, doesn’t hold up. Having children is a choice and a privilege. Growing old and getting sick isn’t, and it requires hard decisions. My mother’s care after a huge stroke was beyond what anyone could do in a home setting, and I dare anyone to say different. She could do literally nothing for herself. She couldn’t eat, sit, roll, drink, use the bathroom, or scratch what itched, yet she was mentally fine. It was and remains the cruelest thing I’ve ever seen. If “love and affection” could have won the day we’d have gladly assumed her care but it wasn’t that simple. It took a large team around the clock, trained in ways we had no idea about, to care for her. I remain grateful for each of them. We didn’t walk away, we were her advocates each day, and mourned her mightily when she was gone. So, yes, my parents saw me “through thick and thin” but life has curves we can’t plan for, it doesn’t make us uncaring, it makes us human. Maybe nominating yourself for sainthood in this isn’t helping the relationship with those 7 kids, just a thought?

Great, another lecture on a heated topic that has many different viewpoints. Yours is not the only 'correct' one, either, believe it or not! Shocking to hear that, I know

You are, by the way, preaching to a bunch of people who ARE care giving for their loved ones, in some way, shape or form, whether you agree with their methods or not.

I, for one, and my husband, do not want ANY of our 7 children to be taking care of us in our old age. We do not expect it from them, even though we *gasp* wiped their asses for them when they were babies!! Can you imagine such a thing?! They owe us Nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch.

They do, however, owe themselves a good life and a happy life, not a life burdened down with two old people who selfishly & narcissisticly refused to make plans for their OWN old age. Just because we changed THEIR diapers, which was the role we WANTED and ACCEPTED, does not mean it's their job to change OUR diapers. It's not a quid pro quo kinda thing, regardless of your opinion on the subject. We choose to bring children into this world because we want to; not so they can become our slaves and care givers in THEIR old age.

Yeah, it's a TOUGH subject alright, and one you'll get a LOT of push back on. We come here to talk, to share, to unburden ourselves as a community of care givers. Trust me when I tell you the LAST thing we want or need is a lecture on what we're doing wrong or how we're complaining too much or what we owe our folks.

No not all people had parents who were all hands on. I would never abandon my mother and her needs although she does reside in AL. My husband and I take care of all her bills,what she needs,doctors to see to help keep her alive. My parents didn't believe in doctors so I didn't see any until I could make my own appointments. I'm not sure I really knew they existed for years. I feel I am more hands on then my parents were. Just don't assume that everyone had parents who completely fit the description in all areas. Many here are trying to help but are met with great resistance. Congratulations to you for aging as you are.

Paul.
you are ignorant if you think everyone in the world had or has parents who took care of them. Are you new here? Because the hard cold truth is, many here did not have loving parents who took care of them as kids and these same folks are being guilted in to taking care of the same selfish parents who treated them like crap. Your guilt trip is unnecessary and no one here will be taking it. Advertise your guilt trips elsewhere. This ain’t the place for it.

Paul, I commend you for your commitment and dedication to your wife. I, too, was the sole caregiver for my wife of 52 years. She lost her struggle with AD in 2018.

However, please don't assume everyone has your stamina and commitment. People have their limits. What do you do when your wife uses the closet as the bathroom? What do you do when she leaves the house thru the window at 2 AM? What do you do when she's hysterical and delusional thinking that your going to hurt her? What do you do etc., etc., etc.? There came a point for me where I was completely stressed out, no place to turn, hopeless, angry and sleepless. Some caregivers even contemplate suicide. I loved me wife very much, we were high school sweethearts. But I was at my limit. It was agonizing to place her in a memory care facility. But I survived. It is estimated that 30% of AD caregivers don't!!!

People who you say are complaining are, in reality, expressing their emotions about the most difficult thing they've ever done. No one volunteers for the job of AD caregiver. There is no training manual. It's all OJT! Some people can handle it better than others. What will be your limit?

So I commend you, once again, Paul, for making your wife's comfort and happiness your mission in life. You will be rewarded. I now facilitate 3 dementia support groups. I offer a 40 minute talk to groups about our experience. I do it to honor my wife's memory.

Good luck, Paul, and God bless you.

True, a TOUGH discussion topic. I think your primary premise is a bit black and white and there's so many shades of grey. Many relationships are not based on taking care of each other through thick and thin. Frankly, it IS the responsibility of a parent to take care of their child. That is by nature the definition of the relationship. The converse just isn't true. Especially when there has been a history of abuse or non support. And what about parents who have not been proactive in planning for their future or saving funds in order to pay for it? Is it then the responsibility of the child to fund their care and housing? What about the impact that has on the financial and emotional well being of the child's spouse and children. It's just not as clear cut as you make it seem, and with all these shades of grey, caregivers shouldn't have to feel guilt on top of all of the other emotions involved in making decisions about caring for parents.