I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Hope everyone continues to thrive...
You have zero time for the MIL, Ms Dorker.
Try to continue dis-engagement with the SIL, MIL. Your MIL will be fine, btw, and the entire SIL butting in @ 1K miles away - that's just so special that your SIL still managed to control something from afar- and it worked!! SIL will feel emboldened now. The ridiculous air conditioning non issue from afar.
SIL needs to arrange a visit back to your area/MIL after her company is gone next month and set up, visit, apply for - begin the paper chase to get her documents in order to leave her home, in preparation for the near future as the MIL needs supervision going forward. Let your H & SIL figure that out together. Brother & sister are communicating. The sister will probably come see the babies as well - she can kill two birds with one stone.
You really can't do anything else except for dd & family. You gave them notice months in advance. DD needs you!
Dis-engage. You're doing great! Really! Whatever happens will be dealt with re MIL. If she is deemed to need a senior tune up for IV diuretics, et al if anything.
She will be well taken care of.
Ignore those SIL texts until the next morning! Let it go, just answer your immediate family texts.
MD appt today (if I am not in error), yes? H is taking her. Good grief. Stay out of his way this afternoon too. You have enough on your plate.
I betcha this is the beginning of the end finally as maybe dear H will relay to his sister just how much mom has slowed down and how much she needs supervision.
H can't take an unknown chunk out of schedule several times a week to play fetch for his mother (if he is a sbo like my husband). Time is money is bay the bills job, lol. H does sound like he sees the problem on the surface but thinks waiting til it happens and then when catastrophe strikes that it will magically fall in place. Pre planning for the H to move his mom would be a plus, but it is what it is. No MIL family devised a Plan A, yet alone Plan B. Both are bright kids (H & SIL). Let them work together being siblings to get a plan going.
It's won't be that easy - SIL should be prepping MIL to make a move to senior living. Noone's talking to her yet as the matriarch declines to discuss this.
Back off, let them decide. You can't control this snowball when it begins (and it is a tiny snowbell only destined to get bigger as the summer unfolds). The siblings will deal with MIL.
You've made it clear where your priority is and will be for several months.
Yes continue to dis-engage. Leave her texts unread. If you have any free time, take care of yourself in some way today.
Chin up- the stars are getting ready to be aligned in your favor.
Ultimately he did .. he called her and said he was on his way and would she like to go . and lo and behold yes, she thought she could manage. So, he went and picked her up and took her to the hospital to see the babies .. got a wheelchair there, and wheeled her on up to the maternity ward, and she got to hold the babies.
I don't have any problem with that. But I do have a problem with all the "woe with me, I can't manage it". ooookay .. well ... if you change your mind let me know .. and then I'm done, kinda like H.
To SendHelp: Truly .. I am so low key a person, always have been .. his having to haul her hither and yon . and now he isn't here to hold my hand as we adoringly glare at our beautiful grandchildren .. that's not me. At all. Never has been.
In fact, I have encouraged .. many many many times ... that even though she lives locally (MIL) that he go and spend the night with her, just because. Just to keep her company .. just to visit .. just for her to have someone there. Some of that has occurred through the years. Not enough of it, .. but I would never be the wifey over here looking at him askance and a "how dare you" attitude.
I'm just done with the BS games. Period. Done with it. Now have stepped off of the hamster wheel. Now if I can step off the anger at the BS that continue to go on, then I'll be good. I live for the day that to me, it's all a mere shrug of the shoulders, as I turn and go the other direction.
My bottom line here on it all is this. If we're going to go on the presumption that MIL is fine to continue to live alone, absent any 3rd party help and/or go spend time with her neurotic nancy daughter .. then fine .. I'll go with it. But don't play me like a d*mn fool and then cry woe with me, "I'm not up to it" .. at every doctor appointment or whatever else whim strikes you. I'm over it!
And yes I called it. Saw it all coming a mile away. That's precisely why there was so much anxiety on my part . knowing what was coming. I know how this all works .. SIL wrings her hands from afar and hands out fools errand directives and MIL plays the "oh don't bother with me" game .. and H is oblivious. Done with it.
Geez...SIL can sure can cause a cluster from 1,000 miles away!
You have to be tired with 2 babies even if they are good. Hope you are able to get some rest with all the added drama going on. Have to hand it to you...you saw it all coming.
You are doing well.
A greatgrandma is entitled to want to see and hold her great grandchildren! Asking for that is not "entitlement". It's what should be.
It's important, I think, to separate the expected and the "poor me I can't manage; you all have to take care of me forever".
Just my two cents.
An end game was mentioned.....
At this point, if Mil comes over for even a family visit, she will have had what she wanted all along.
And that is not only attention, but the party is OVER when she takes your husband away early because she's not feeling well and must go home now, he drives her.
Of course you are hurt and angry-your expectations of sharing the grandparenting role with your hubs, with all it's joys has been shattered by Mil.
Yes, there are emergencies. There was a blackout here in NYC a couple of years ago, and although my husband and I had agreed that one of the conditions of our marriage was that neither mother would ever move in, this was an emergency and I told him off he needed to bring her over for a day or two, that would be fine.
But you really need to be plain and upfront with him that, going forward, MIL is a non negotiable. That she needs more help and management than you can handle and that, push comes to shove, if she moves in permanently, you are leaving. Her care will be on his shoulders.
This should not be a threat, simply a stated fact.
Stated very calmly. As in "of course you know that......"
To me, guest has hit the nail on the head. You wrote "MIL knows H will come get her".
He offered to, didn't he?
And, I too, believe that is what she wants - that is her end game. That is what I would be addressing, not all this other fuss and feathers, as it is all part of the ploy to get attention and to distract you from her main goal.
Because mil is a narc she wants to upstage everyone, and sil is enabling like crazy. Mil has everyone running in circles around her and her "issues". Believe me, she does not want solutions to her problems, she wants attention, and to be the center of everyone's universe and she is succeeding, despite the fact that you have the new grandbabies and family at your home to care for.
It might be a good time to talk with H about the impossibility of mil coming to stay at your home now, or any time in the future. As guest wrote, "she is not coming to my house". Period.
Detaching can be done. It takes work, but it well worth doing. It might be an idea to see a therapist to help you with this and with setting boundaries around mil not coming into your home and more. You are angry, which is understandable, and under the anger is hurt. You have been being used by mil and sil in their game. Explaining to them the consequences of bad choices, or giving them solutions does not work, does it? Because the real issue for them is attention and drama, not problem solving.
Looking after you in this situation requires that you understand the games being played, and your role in them. Feel your hurt. Being used is no fun. Do not expect sil or mil to behave sensibly. Expect them to cause trouble, but extricate yourself from the drama and set the boundaries you need to. Then focus on other things like grandbabies. Wishing you all the best.
cross posted with you
ETA - agreed, direct sil any way you can to H. Keep it short and sweet -even just, "That's too bad, Gotta go." Let her solve it.
Sounds like dd is doing well. So glad that the babies are perfect. I had one baby when my dd was 4 years old. It took some adjusting as she had been the center of attention, so I understand what your granddaughter is going through. You are doing well on the grandma front. Good for you!
I will, from here forward, when I get a text from SIL .. I'm going to say this to her, "Hey .. really busy .. if you would, .. go ahead and text your brother with anything with regard to your mom. If you want to know how the babies or dd is doing .. I'll be glad to try to respond, when I can".
That makes it clear/concise .. and she can now deal with her brother.
Her brother .. who .. IMO .. should've lit his sister up yesterday like a xmas tree for what she did, but chose not to. Her brother who .. for the most part, ignores texts from her and doesn't respond .. (unless it's a crises), ...thus the reason I've been the go-between for well over a decade. Easier to work her angles via me, .. who has been
responsive to text messages and phone calls all these years. H allowed to ignore it all and put it on a shelf, for years and years .. because the "go between", was right in the thick of it all.
Now, she can start directing those texts to him and he can (he is better at ignoring the b/s than I could ever be), he can either choose to ignore it, or he can address it, or he an step and fetch or whatever it is that works for him.
But I know her .. he will be less than responsive (he just isn't one for belaboring any issue and a bunch of drama .. cut to the chase with him, and do it quick). He won't be very responsive to her texts .. which still leaves her .. 1K miles away with no one on this end, to answer her querries or do her bidding as to what it is she wants done next, him not responding.
I guess .. (I know how this all goes) .. my guess is that she will text again, "Hey I sent H a text this morning asking about ___________________and __________________ and if he could (fill in the blank).
TYPICALLY, as has been the case previously .. I would take it upon myself and say to SIL "Oh gee, sorry he hasn't answered you, I will give him a call and see what he intends to do about it, I'll let you know".
THIS TIME however ...
I will respond .. when she texts that her brother isn't responding. I will respond with, "I guess you better call him on the phone maybe, really busy here, gotta go".
That's the only way I know to back away from all this and get myself far enough removed that I can finally get to where all of this minutia ends up to me, nothing more than a mere shrug of the shoulders.
I AM NOWHERE NEAR THAT AT THIS POINT.
I am enjoying those precious babies. Exhausted already ... (there's a reason babies are given to the young folks). They are absolutely 100% perfect and gorgeous and so far, good babies.
The 4 yo, .. I'm working to be patient and understanding that this is a big upheaval for her, .. .she is a lot whinier than she normally would be, more needy. But I try to understand that this is huge for her .. she's been the center of the universe ... since she arrived on this planet. And now, .. suddenly she isn't. Try to remember that, as I deal with her.
Dd is grateful beyond measure to have our home and our help. She is moving very very slowly but is up and doing. She stood and did the b'fast dishes this morning .. which I didn't think she needed to be doing and tried to stop her. I would imagine it feels pretty bad to be so laid up that you feel worthless .. and so that was her attempt at maybe making a stab to be useful around here.
I'm trying to put my mind at just enjoying the blessing of these beautiful babies .. and the short time they are so so tiny and leave all that other horse squeeze on the periphery. Not there yet .. wish I was. Want to get there, badly.
Don't read or pick up her texts.
Forward them to DH if she persists.
Don't aggravate yourself with this stuff.
SIL suggested, when MIL apparently told her of the AC problem (interesting MIL shared with H that she didn't want SIL to know, because she's such a worry wart .. and told H not to tell her). Then she goes and tells her. SIL then texting me yesterday to ask whether I thought it was okay for her to stay there, . how hot is it here.
She then announced that she had let the neighbors know that her mother's AC is malfunctioning.
It really was all kind of senseless. The neighbor came over, installed a wall unit into her kitchen window (a bank of windows along a wall, floor to ceiling windows). Well that's good, it cools right there in the little area by the kitchen .. what about the rest of the house, the bathroom, MIL's bedroom ... etc.
MIL had said it was fine .. it was 80 in there .. and H imploring all along for her to come this way .. and no, she was fine.
SIL then takes it upon herself to notify the neighbors .. neighbor comes over with wall unit to install into kitchen window area .. and then I guess hit a snag .. having problems doing the job. MIL calls H, .. H then summoned to help the neighbor to get this wall unit installed.
And then of course, later is when she then said that water was all over the kitchen floor ... and so H told her to just shut it off.
By then it had rained here and that cooled off the temperatures here. As I said to SIL it was going to do.
I do realize like I said .. it's a plus in that ... H is having to step and fetch at his sister's directing from afar .. (as I've done for so long). It is a plus, I do realize that. But wonder when it will stop infuriating me.
My bone of contention, and has been all along .. among many ... we're all going to let MIL call the shots here, that she can manage ... leave her be .. don't involve outsiders .. no she isn't going to live with neurotic nancy .... she can manage.
Well, okay then. By d*mn, in my opinion .. if that's the decision you're going to make and your grown adult children are going to allow that latitude.
Then what the h*ll business was it of SIL's to be directing from afar ... as to what should occur on this end.
She asked me did I think it was too hot for her to be in her home, with a malfunctioning AC. I told her that H and MIL are in constant contact, and that MIL knows H will come get her (I did preface it with the chaos we have on this end, and that it may not be the best setting for MIL and her issues, to be in the middle of it all). I told her, and she even responded that MIL told her that H and she are talking .. he is checking on her.
Then .. what the h*ll possessed her to take it upon herself .... aren't we presuming here that MIL is completely capable of functioning on her own, and making her own decisions. Isn't that implied with the agreement that she can continue to live alone.
Why then reach in and direct the pieces of the whole chess game.
Isn't MIL thought to be of sound mind and so forth, . in the fact that she can continue to live alone without outside involvement ..
I am still so PIZZED over it, and wondering when I will ever be able to back up from it with a shrug of the shoulders at all the frickin madness that goes on.
We were, yesterday afternoon, just before putting some meat on the grill outside .. and I had the side dishes timed accordingly. ALL GETS PUT TO A D*MN HALT .. because SIL .. from afar, sticking her nose in it all, .. somehow gets the neighbors involved .. and the neighbor comes, finds it's giving him problems to install this wall unit, .. now MIL calls and summons H's participation in it all.
I am sick of it.
It is one thing after another every d*mn day it seems.
Yes, I am trying to back away and at least I have as far as being the one running from pillar to post .. but that doesn't mean I have found a way to detach from it all to the degree that this b/s that continues to go on .. doesn't PIZZ me off royally!
For DH and SIL to have to deal directly with each other and their mom.
Stay out of it. If you need, feign exhaustion from caring for babies (although I don't think you'd be pretending!)
Do you really think that H will be able to continue being the on-the-spot fetcher? He is already disgusted and it's not been a week without reliable YOU. Obviously he is still worried about how will it look to - his mother? his sister? the neighbors? Until it's his problem to deal with MIL and SIL drama, he was able to kinda ignore it. Now he can't and you've let him know that you WON'T. Been there, done that. The T-shirt is ugly, but wearable. Hang in there. Enjoy the grandbabies, get the daughter and 4 year old taken care of. Spend time at THEIR house once they move. Bet the situation becomes critical much more quickly than when you kept fixing it. Take care!
H got called yesterday afternoon and had to leave, having rec'd a call from MIL. Apparently SIL (proud of herself) alerted neighbors that her mother is over there with a malfunctioning AC ..
Neighbors went out and got a wall unit to install in the window. Not sure if that was at the behest of SIL or if they took it upon themselves to do.
But nonetheless. H gets a phone call from MIL. I hear him say to her, "Mother why wouldn't you just let me come get you". Then I hear him say, "ok, I'll be right there".
Then he hangs up and says in disgust, "Now I have to go over there to help install a window unit because my d*mn sister alerted the neighbors and they have gone and bought a window unit to install". Threw up his hands, "what do I do?".
I said, "Light your sister's a** up for having done that, I told her that you and MIl are in touch .. she should've stayed the h*ll out of it".
He then got a bit more irritated saying, "No I'm not going to do that, how does that make me look, I gotta go".
And with that, he was gone.
Just un-frickin-real.
UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!!!!
You would think by God that the woman is without AC over there going on two weeks now, .. (and yes I agree that can be dangerous in some climates .. and for long periods of time). SIL .. micro-managing from afar. She, there in her home state with her g'kids .. I guess it didn't suffice that I said to her, that H and MIL are in touch .. and she knows that he will come get her if need be, but that this is not gonna be a spot she wants to be, newborns, daughter recovering from surgery, dogs running amok.
I guess that was all the catalyst she needed. She alerted the neighbor that her mother is without AC (or rather it is functioning at less than it's full capacity) .. and whether she set in motion a trip to purchase a wall unit AC .. to install in a window, .. or whether neighbor initiated that .. I have no idea.
But just unbelievable!
And if that wasn't enough, then MIL calls, that there's water all over the floor in the kitchen that she is having to sop up .. from this wall unit. Saw that coming. He told her to just shut it off. SIL should've just left well enough alone!
I do realize that it's a plus here that this was handled by SIL and H doing the stepping and fetching. But just unreal.
Aren't we going on the assumption here it's okay for her to live alone. In that assumption, shouldn't it be presumed that she has the good sense to know whether she is comfortable .. or needs to go to her son's .. who has been in touch with her repeatedly. Why the need to direct from afar, and micro-frickin-manage. Just unreal.
Now he is back out there this morning, to remove said unit and deal wit that. Oh and yesterday she began to him and haw about the upcoming vein clinic appointnent (apparently it is Tuesday not Thursday). He demanded that yes, she is going, he will take her. So he is to do that tomorrow.
THIS is the person who so says she can do, she can manage. .. she knows what she has to do and she will manage.
And she can't get up out of a chair and has falls.
There isn't any anout of fixing that a family member can do that will actually fix this problem at home. Either she gets in home aides ( very expensive) or lives in a more supportive environment.
Wondering if you will be pulled back in to MIL drama before this coming Friday.
Stand firm! Don't take those texts or phone calls from SIL to upset you. Heck I may not even want to read them for several days (from SIL). Don't open!
My guess is the SIL will be next back to visit after her company is gone. She needs to come back and deal with her mother and getting her into AL. Let Neurotic Nancy find the facility and make then arrangements and work with her brother, your H.
H won't do much more in the coming few weeks for his mom if he is supporting his small biz and paying the bills, and overseeing his growing family (grandpa role)
Respectfully, I will bet your husband has a lot of stress as a small biz owner, and his patience will be gone after a few more days of caring day to day for his mom. He is a big boy - he will do fine. He can call & commiserate with his sister if he wants. Sounds like he has compartmentalized her already (his mom).
H will probably reach his breaking point this week with his mom. After Thursday's appt your H will be toast. You may be at your most vulnerable by then, allowing yourself to feeling guilty or neglectful (none of which you are). You may allow yourself to be guilted and acquiese. Stay strong, you can do this, it's tricky and difficult every single day. But MIL needs to be dealt with by HER kids as far as her living arraignments. Assisted living will be awesome for her if she can afford it. The time has come. With the new grandkids, dd house, etc it's gonna be busy for several months or years even.
Continue to Step back, don't get sucked back into the MIL drama.
Every one in your home right now is probably exhausted and blissfully happy with the new babies. How sweet! You get some shut eye too, to recharge. At least you don't have to GO anywhere. That's good too!
Realistically , your H won't give you any more on your plate, right Dorker? H sounds as if you as his wife is his priority so that's a thumb up for you. He clearly sees the need for his dd to have her mama (you) there, right? Mama - grandma - and grandkids! 3 generations, very cool!
Shift the MIL crap to the last thing you will think of later on today if at all. Compartmentalize those texts etc for now. Let go of your anger re MIL/SIL & don't let it spoil your present bliss. Plenty of time to work out the anger later so let's get through this active "disengagement " process you have going on.
Two precious new borns all clean, cuddly and new to our world. Sweet!
MIL will be fine over there at her apartment- the AC will get fixed today. Deal with it if it wasn't but the tech will fix it for her today I bet. No one wants a senior not to have a running functioning a/c or no heat.
Enjoy the day! Stay Strong! Don't let them guilt you!
You don't answer Sil.
This may sound harsh, but Mil chose it this way.
There are cooling centers for seniors, if she has medical issues, they will identify it and transport.
SIL did ck in, "do you think mom will be okay in her house without AC?". To my phone.
I answered, "of course, she'll be fine. She knows where we are."
Then straight back to cuddling duties!
So far no MIL. H has been in touch w/her and she reports that her house (unless she is lying) is 80 and she is fine with it, it feels okay to her.
SIL did ck in, "do you think mom will be okay in her house without AC?". To my phone.
I answered, "H is in touch with her, .. this is no place for her .. but we'll do what we have to .. if we have to ... we have 2 dogs here .. and her's would make 3 .. daughter recovering from major surgery, 2 newborns.. and her with problems navigating .. she'd be better off staying home".
SIL answered, "yes that does sound crazy there .. she does better with heat than most .. she likes it warm .. so maybe she's better off at home".
I answered that with .. "gotta run, .. babies to burp, have a good day".
And said no more to her.
So far, if nothing else goes right today ... at least thus far, it has been glorious. These babies are absolutely precious and perfect, and dd is getting some much needed rest (who can ever rest in a hospital ...??...them coming in every 20 mins to ck this and that).
Hope the rest of the day goes as well as the first part of the day.
MIL is finally reaping what she sowed -- because you are no longer running interference. And that is FINE. And long overdue -- as you yourself have conceded.
That old biddy is not coming to your house to cool off. No way, no how.
If you want to take one last stab at being proactive on behalf of someone who's hopelessly self-centered, give this a whirl: Call every hotel/motel within XX radius of her house. Ask them all 1.) Do they offer ground-level rooms with no-step entry? and 2.) Do they accept pets?
Create a list of the ones that said "yes" and "yes." Include phone # of each. Hand the list to hubby -- along with the potty booster you can get (got?) from the other side of the family. Tell him kindly and calmly that this is MIL's Plan B. And he would do well to not offer it.....but to wait her out and see if ASKS to be relocated til AC is fixed.
Regardless, MIL can take it or leave it. No other options. And if she deigns to got to a hotel/motel, hubby is 100% in charge of helping her pack (including meds + potty booster) and transporting her and the dog .
I'm sure hubby agrees that your home will be more than full with the 5 extras you both agreed to take on. I'm sure he also agrees that your (figurative) "helping budget" is already maxed out with DD's genuine needs.
Also -- I get the impression that DD is gracious about accepting your help. That goes a long way, doesn't it??
In fact, that contrast is probably contributing to your waves of anger about how much you've overextended yourself for MIL over the years.
As they say, "allow yourself to feel your feelings." And an important corollary: Use your angst productively. It is your built-in reminder of why you must back-burner MIL going forward.
You can't change the past. But you have made great strides at carving out a new, more satisfying future. Keep up the good work! 👍🏼
But the next time you hear this:
".. if she has to come here, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it."
That's where it is appropriate to get excited. Excited as in hopping mad, I recommend.
Hold up your hand in a 'Halt!' gesture. When you have direct eye-contact with H, say in a voice of calm, low menace - which I assume is not your usual tone, we're aiming for impactful contrast here - "No. What needs to be clearly understood is that we are not going to that bridge. Are we clear? Do I have your assurance on that point?" And if need be, get it in writing.
You tell them that such is available, and MIL's take of "I can do this, I can manage, you guys don't worry about me".
So fine .. okay then do it.
Only .. the day comes, doc appt .. she doesn't go, .. "wasn't up to it".
Yes, I agree, she can take a taxi .. by all means .. and/or sign for the services that I mentioned (that 3rd party involvement that I've shouted from the rooftops that we need here .....), but no, she can manage .. and that is the word laid down from on high .. and so that's the approach taken.
I'm not worried about whether she gets there or not, .. for all I care at this point her d*mn foot can rot off. (I don't mean that .. I'm just angry).
H can take off work, he feels that's the only way there is any assurance she'll get there (and I'm betting it is, the only way it'll get done, MIL left to her own devices, will cancel the appt). H can take off work and make sure she gets there .. if that's what he feels he needs to do.
But I agree with the previous poster that said H will tire of all this "need" .. eventually. And so be it, ..
I mean, really! Hell, I said it for months and months and months .. that we'd be on the front with a daughter heavily pregnant (now recovering from major surgery) and two newborn babies, .. and geriatric duty wouldn't be on the radar. That we need to take other measures, back up plans. To no avail.
Inside of the past week, SIL beckoned that one of us needs to go investigate her foot .. H went to do that. Her toilets, both of them got plugged, at one time (that has never happened, in all the 40 plus years I've been a part of this family .. yes .. A TOILET ....... but not both at one time), and miraculously ... he fixed it without bringing out the big guns as to machinery .. equipment, go figure ....
Then .. (this is all within the past week) .. of course, her AC is now giving her problems.
All the while in the b'ground the ever-continuing ankle/foot problem that hasn't been addressed adequately.
All within one week's time .
Waiting for dd's husband, at the moment. They have two vehicles at the hospital (dd was kept when she went for an appt the other day, thus her mini van there) and he has been traveling back and forth in his own vehicle. They are to be discharged this morning. He is on his way here, to leave his vehicle here, and I will give him a ride back to the hospital for the discharge .. and he will get them all and all their stuff into the mini van and they will come here.
I am hoping and praying, hard .. that MIL's problems with her AC ... aren't a problem that makes it so she can't stay there in her own home. There really is no other way, no where else she can go. She can't go to a hotel and be expected to get around .. and get her dog in and out (and she won't leave her dog, that's her life, .. that dog, not like she'd leave the dog here and let us deal with the dog, and go ck her into a hotel).
I told H this morning that he needs to maybe just take box fans over to her in the event it's too warm there .. that we can't have her here, and her mobility issues and a daughter recovering from major surgery .. and their dog .. and two newborns (dd's dog is very poor mannered, jumps on people ... and gets too excited and tears out thru the house, etc.) .. MIL a fall risk .. and a dog that tears out running .. and jumps on people, and her on blood thinners. Not a good mix.
H's take (nobody listens to me) .. "I'm not going to worry about it, it wasn't so hot and miserable in her house yesterday that it made it where she can't stay there.. she likes it warmer anyway .. I'm not going to let it all get to me, .. if she has to come here, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it).
So that's what his take on it all was. I try .. I try to be Proactive and get in front of a problem, it does no good.
The doctor can call DH to explain what needs to be done.
You really need to stay home with the dd and family. They need you now.
You are finished with anything MIL until your dd is recovered enough to manage. 2-3 months?
H isn't going to take his M's complaining, etc for very much longer. It's going to begin to wear H thin & he will either ask you or do it himself.
MIL continues to make it all about her.
The HVAC will get fixed - she can't move in with you due to the new family.
Stay strong!
Try to ignore any mention of MIL, you are giving her too much power over you.
YOU need to keep your boundaries & continue to pull away as she's headed to AL/NH in the near future. She can't live alone.
I too see your anger. It would be good if you could deal with the anger now but help your daughter through this life changing event of hers while making yourself a plan for you to maybe see someone to continue to build on what you want as far as MIL & Neurotic Nancy & shed your anger.
Don't give your MIL too much of your energy these days, let her slide back and you help the youngins'
Your husband having a small business is not conducive to caregiving for HIS mother.
It's going to swing again over to you when H gets fed up.
Enjoy the babies! That's where you should give energy to for now.
So, ..
It's always been a bone of contention with H and myself that MIL without fail, tells her daughter, the Neurotic Nancy .. things she knows will blow the top of her daughter's head off ... into orbit. Why tell her, you know damn well what's going to happen, she's going to call out the National Guard and blow our phones up endlessly to go resolve whatever the situation du jour is .. and then MIl is gonna fein this whole, "I wish she'd leave well enough alone, she thinks she has to fix everything, all the time".
THEN WHY DO YOU TELL HER EVERYTHING?!?!??!
Interesting that H was telling me about his mom's AC issue ongoing. I said to him, "wow, interesting I haven't heard from your sister .. usually if there's even a hint of an issue ongoing in that direction, your sister is blowing up my phone .. what gives there".
He said, "she didn't tell her". MIL purposely didn't tell her daughter about the AC problem.
I said to H, "Oh so SHE IS CAPABLE of not saying something to her daughter then afterall ...". He found that interesting too, as we've both .. for forever .. we hate it .. that she tells her daughter all the things she does, sending her daughter into orbit with worry .. and in turn, her daughter triangulating .. me ..mostly into whatever the issue is.
She is capable of NOT telling her daughter.
And it might not be too hot for her. So don't engage with her about it!
MIL needs to get through one measly day. The A/C man is coming on Monday with the part. If hubby wants to drop off some extra fans, fine. But that's the extent of what you can reasonably do for her.
MIL expects you & hubby to fuss over this. Even if she's perfectly comfortable in her own home. And heaven help you when SIL starts in with the triangulation.
This is not a crisis. This is a typical pitfall of homeownership. Happens to all of us. MIL is getting prompt professional service, and she's blessed to have the means to pay for it.
Don't stir the pot, Dorker! And if anyone else stirs the pot, play deaf-mute.
But send her to a hotel. I think I WILL GO TO A HOTEL .. I have a WAY BETTER chance of being able to get in and around in a hotel setting than she does. I don't have a dog that has to go out, that I'd have to concern myself with falling, trying to come in and out of the hotel. That would go over like a damned lead balloon.
I am just hoping and praying .. that all will be, tomorrow, .. a situation that isn't untenable for her to stay there, til Monday when the AC guy can return with the part.
Holy jeeze. When we did have her stay here .. at one point, during some bad weather in the area (the area where she lives was evacuated) .. she had to leave. She had to come here. We have a step down into our den area, .. the area we spend most of our time (tv is in the den) .. we have another step down, into the screen room outside, also the area we spend a lot of time. We have two steps up, to enter the house, no matter where you come from .... front porch, etc.
All of that was way too much for her, and she had to be assisted anytime she'd get up and have to go, to the bathroom, for instance. Had to have help to get up out of the chair. Had to have help, to get up the one step to get to the commons area of the house .. same with when she would come back into the den area, where we all are. The lights went out (power was out here locally for a day or two, we have a generator to power some things, .. not the whole house, .. but the tv was powered up and the fridges/freezers, to keep food from spoiling). So we had to have flashlights to help her around .. she can barely balance .. to stay upright, .. much less hang onto a flashight .. and a cane, to walk. Her dog, needing in and out, forget about it, that was on me, or whoever else I could enlist to do it.
That wouldn't be the case, this time .. one would hope (we don't have bad storms moving in). But she would still need help navigating around our home .. just from the steps in it. And we do have a portable commode thing that we'd gotten our hands on for the party she was to attend (hubby's bday) . we still have it. A portable bedside commode, typically has a bucket under it, for those who really cannot get to a functional toilet. But this one has no bucket affixed to it, and it can sit over the toilet .. and it would be for only one afternoon/night .. dear Lord please.
If anybody goes to a hotel, it'd be me. BUT ......... dd needs me here.
All I can do is hope and pray that somehow tomorrow .. (it is predicted to rain here, .. all that usually does is make it really muggy and humid) . but somehow maybe that'll drop the temps outside, so that her inside temp isn't a situation that is unhealthy for her to stay there. Truly, .. when I go there, I have to turn it down, .. she keeps it on about 78 .. or 80. That is WAY WAY WAY too warm for my comfort level. So, as H said of it all, .. it felt fine to her .. he said, to me .. he knows I don't do "warm" ... it wouldn't be comfortable, I'd be not liking it, but to her, it felt okay. So we will see.
I mean it, can a comedy writer even come up with this crazy s&^t.
Yes, maybe I will suggest H take a couple of fans out there .. and hope and pray she doesn't then consider the cords stretched out, so that fans can operate, a trip hazard and have a problem with that.
GOOD GOD!!!!!!!!!!!