I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
And as to getting H on the page that he and his sister are going to have to come up with a plan. That's been the problem all along, and continues to be. As Barb put it, I'm throwing teaspoons of water at a raging fire. Time to backup.
They don't "hear" what I'm saying. Be that a concerted effort to ignore, be that because .. as it was put before, they choose to "hope" fate will take it's course here. I don't really know.
But ....
The very fact that my radar was very much going to include newborn care, and I'd be out of pocket, and said so, and it has in fact turned out to be the case. One would've thought that to be a perfect time, to maybe engage some other services and/or begin to look at what would be done in the event MIL needs more services. ESPECIALLY with my having said she needs more services .. outside involvement and/or to go live with SIL, etc etc.
No one "hears" what I am saying. Not MIL .. as she points her finger cautioning that she knows what she needs to do and she will do it, she will manage.
Not SIL .. as it's met with so many "buts". But she is so stubborn. But she won't come here, what am I going to do tie her up and carry her onto the plane? But she just won't let me involve outsiders. But but but.
Not H. She is so fiercely a fighter and so wants to keep her independence.
All of the logical arguments to the above, every one you can think of, has been mentioned. Me: She is NOT independent, not when she needs the kind of help she seems to need more and more. That is met with H saying something akin to "we'll just all have to pitch in and see what we can do to make it possible she stay in her home, she's just so independent and doesn't want to have to have all that".
Me: "Well you guys need to be more stubborn, it's not safe that she continue in this manner".
Is met with: "She's so stubborn, she just won't do it".
Me: "You guys do both realize this is a catastrophe in the making right? She is going to fall, it's not if it's when .. she is going to end up in the hospital and then a rehab .. you guys do realize that, right?".
Is met with: "Well let's hope not".
I did get angry in discussion with SIL with that d*mned word "Hope", that I'm so sick of hearing. I did say to her, .. and with a tone to my voice. "I'm not one that likes to hang things on "hope" .. I think a PLAN is always a better approach".
There is nothing I can do (and that does leave me with a foreboding feeling, what is she falls ... and gets hurt/badly .... trying to manage on her own .. as she so pointedly likes to demand ... she will manage/on her own). What is she gets hurt .. and it's because I have backed away .. and at a time when SIL has maybe commanded from afar, "mother needs help getting to ________________ and _______________ on Tuesday". And it happens to be something I deem not really necessary. My feeling being, if she needs help there are medical transport services, if she needs groceries, there are delivery services. What if it's one of those types of things she sets out on her own to do, my having refused to be on the front lines any longer. Then I will be blamed, "well if you'd of just taken her to ___________________ and then to _________________, she wouldn't of fallen and broken her arm/wrist/hip/pelvis/back, .. you name it, whatever the malady that befalls her.
But that's my point precisely .... SHE NEEDS MORE SERVICES ............ and you guys choose to stick your d*mned heads in the sand and hand me a bunch of "but but but ... but this, but that ............".
What the h*ll am I supposed to do here? I have said it and said and said it and said it, over and over, and they don't "hear me". It's a bunch of "but ...............".
So I back away .. and wait for the train wreck that's coming.
It's the only thing I know to do. I am not divorcing myself entirely, but I need some folks to at least sit up and take notice and take some action here. The status quo isn't going to be the standard mode of operation going forward. Not gonna happen.
Especially when SIL finds it suitable to dog-sit instead of tend to what is HER mother, not mine.
No one will push MIL to the edge over .. "mother it is no longer safe for you to manage on your own" .. and then sit and have an open discussion on what options are available, and what she would agree to. Neither will do it.
To me, that translates to .. the expectation that I will continue on the charge leading all this, and I'm not going to do it.
I won't be suggesting again, that she be evaluated for anti depressants. It'd be one more fools errand .. when the recipient of said measure isn't bought-in on it... she'd stop taking it. I don't have time to go on these fools errands .. only to then find out it was all for naught.
I won't be suggesting she use her walker. She knows ... she won't do it. I won't be suggesting she sign up for delivery of groceries. She knows, she won't do it. I won't be suggesting that she not take her dog for walks, she knows, . she's been advised by medical professionals not to do it. I won't suggest again that there are services to transport those who struggle to get to doc appointments .. she knows, she's been told, as have her son and her daughter, countless times.
It's hard not to be angry when the two people who CAN and SHOULD exact some measures to make some changes, refuse to do so .. and you .. as the in-law are powerless to do so.
I agree with Barb, the time has come to stop throwing teaspoons of water at a raging fire.
My mom was able to do that for perhaps a year after she stopped being able to manage her meds and finances. She told us exactly what she needed, sil took the checkbook and I came up to fill pill containers once a week.
But my mom was compliant and cautious. Her sister was the exact opposite
(wouldn't use a walker, because it made her look old (at 90!). So she needed 24/7 aides to ensure compliance, fortunately there were funds for that.
But Dorker's mil is inflexible and non-compliant. Thinks she knows better. Dorker is providing, at the cost of her life, her MIL'S charade of independence. While MIL'S children look the other way.
Time for Dorker to ever so nicely back away from the burning house and stop throwing teaspoons of water on the flames.
I am for Dorker having her family adjust to her new attitude, not vice versa.
Hold your ground Dorker. They will begin to pressure you again (SIL, H & MIL). All 3 depend squarely on you.
They have a adjust to the new normal of day to day step and fetch for their mom.
Dorker answered my question of whether or not both kids realize Mom needs supervised living. Dorker said no, they are simply hoping that fate will fulfill MIL's wishes to stay in her home til she passes, preferably in her sleep, btw.
Neither are ready to make the hard decision that the MIL needs paid caregivers in another setting.
The mil can hire help- cabs, groceries on line, etc but she will not.
SIL & H are content to just wait. SIL has no reservations about bugging the crap out of her brother and anyone else she feels she can manipulate.
Your husband needs to be told gently but firmly that he needs to talk to SIL to develop a plan within the next 60 days to assure their mother has all the resources in place to be able to live and thrive in a AL facility or where ever, just not her home. She is not safe to continue to live alone - bottom line.
The siblings need to figure this one out. Dorker should not have to do a thing but sit back and offer support as the siblings work it out together.
Dorker is finished with care of the MIL. She told H & SIL. Dorker is living it now and for the next 60 days she will be busy with dd and the children.
Dorker you need to get your H to act. He can't ignore his mom either. I know he does not ignore her day to day needs, but he has to drive the train to begin finding facilities where she can move to and live safely with support.
H & SIL need to get busy.
Oh dear. Time for her to move in with her worried daughter, perhaps. Serve 'em both right.
And she has a reverse mortgage on her house and is pretty close to the end of those funds.
Decide how much time each week you are prepared to devote to MIL.
One or two whole days should be sufficient.
Monday shopping, food and anything else she needs. bring a list MIL.get hair done, go for massage, get her nails done or anything else she wants regularly. Do your own shopping at the same time and if your hair need doing too make a double appointment.
Second day maybe Thursday. This will be for Dr appointments. You can fit into and she must make the appointments for the day you choose to devote to her. Anything else other people can take care of.
Make a list and give to everyone involved and tell them to suck it up. Your daughter will still need a lot of help with three little ones.
If she is still driving she can take the dog to the groomer or Vet.
As far as being within a hair of falling. Hips can break without falling. Accidents happen there is nothing you can do about that if MIL won't take precautions.
She's in independent living. She enjoys exchanging health stories with her peers. She likes being made a fuss of. She'll take a mile if she's given an inch. She creates dramatic molehills that her distant daughter then makes into mountains for her, and dumps them on Dorker (though not for much longer, one hopes, once SIL gets the message).
She sounds pretty standard model little old widow lady to me, I have to say.
And yes, ambulance to hospital is a non-negotiable.
I'm going to suggest, with the level of family dysfunction you're dealing with ( including your history with your mentally ill daughter) that seeing a therapist for a couple of sessions for a time up is not a bad idea.
But from an amateur....
If there is an emergency, MIL gets transported via ambulance to the ER. No " oh, well put her in the car.....". Patients who arrive at ERs in ambulances get faster treatment.
Of course someone shows up at the ER, best if that is the person with poa for Healthcare. Is that DH? He needs to be there. And he needs to be clear about what YOU will and won't take on in terms of care for MiL.
Pet care. No. Just no. Mobile vet, mobile groomer,etc.
Grocery shopping. Once a month, you take her for a big shop for staples. In between, she has groceries delivered.
Doctor appointments are a tough one. I found that once we started going to doc appointments with mom, we got a fuller idea of what was going on. But for each additional test, specialist, ask why and don't feel bad about saying no.
Routine eye, dentist and podiatry visits should be able to be accomplished by cab.
Fool's errands (things SIL thinks up) no. Just no. You say " I can't do that. I don't think it's useful". No arguing. Just "no".
I would insist on an assessment by a geriatric psychiatrist for depression. All this talk about the top of the list for dying? Not normal aging at all. Needs to be looked into.
The other day, the conversation between H and MIL on her having gone, on her own, to the doc as well as the grocery.
H: You went to the grocery too?
MIL: "I did yes, . you know I am always within a hair of falling .. but I park out in the parking lot where I have eyed an errant cart. I go ahead and hold onto my car until I can get that cart, and hold onto that, and off I go".
H: "But you won't use a walker mother? Or the motorized cart in the store?".
MIL: "Oh no, .. the day may come that I will have to, but as long as I can manage, I will continue to manage, and you guys should all be real happy that I do".
H: "Yes, we are happy with the things you can manage mother, but you do know, one of these days you are going to be the person the store personnel has to call an ambulance for, as you're sprawled out in their store, or their parking lot, you know that right?".
MIL: "Well I hope not!".
H: "Well it's going to happen. You know there are services that deliver groceries".
MIL: "Oh I don't need that, .. I like to go to the store, and wander around and look at things, and the exercise is good for her".
Subject changed to other things.
Also . the cognitive impairment. MIL happened to call here the night the kids had all gone to the other g'parent household for a visit. So it was peaceful here. I haven't talked to MIL other than her having called that night.
She called purposely to tell me that so and so (a family member) was sick with (fill in the blank). That's the reason she called. We then went on to talk about the babies, about my daughter, etc etc. And then she told me again, as if she hadn't already told me, "Well you know the reason I called so and so is sick with ______________, I didn't know if you knew that".
She had already told me that. I said that to her, "yes you told me that". She said, "oh I forget .. maybe I already told you that". Yes, you did, .. when I first answered the phone.
And .....
She had talked to my dad the other day (that is rare, the two do enjoy one another's company and conversation, but rarely do their paths cross). My dad (who is 78 yo) .. had been looking for me, .. expressed to her, in trying to reach me, that he had tried my cell (he hadn't, I looked at the log once I talked to him, no .. no record of him having tried to reach me). I had been gone, off and running between here and hospital.
I had called him (he has some health issues ongoing himself, .. lives on the other side of town .. nothing major .. a really severe back issue that needs a procedure, but can't get to that because they can't cure the MRSA in an injury in his foot). I did call him to tell him the babies had arrived and at such and such hospital. He had even remarked, "oh okay so they were born at _________________Hospital okay". So, he did know, I did tell him.
He didn't make any noise about wanting to make his way there, and I assumed, since he has a foot injury that, for the most part, limits his mobility these days (he does have a wife, . my stepmom looking after him, but she too is no spring chicken). I didn't make any conversation with him when the babies were born about him getting to hospital, I just assumed he would see them at some point (they will be here on the planet for a while, God willing).
Well, I guess, he couldn't find me. It was on his mind .. first and foremost, to find me, .. he wanted to make his way .. he and his wife, to the hospital to see the dd and the babies (it was the day they were being discharged), and he couldn't remember .. what hospital to go to, and had called every hospital in the city .. and tried my cell phone repeatedly (he didn't, I looked, I don't know who he called but it wasn't me). So, in his inability to reach me, he reached MIL.
I guess the two of them chatting it up and exchanging their tales of woe with one another (though truly that is not my dad's MO .. he is not one to lament his fate ever, but my dad is on .. reservedly so .. Opiates .. for pain management with his back issue and I suspect that has him more talkative than he would normally be, in particular about his own health issues. Generally a very private sort). I guess, he and MIL chatted it up .. and him looking for me.
MIL finally got ahold of H and let him know that my dad was looking for me. I did call my dad back and got that fire put out ... basically that we will get with he and my stepmom eventually, within the next few weeks, but that for right now, they are discharged, and coming to my home, and let's let them rest and get their bearings. He agreed that was best.
Then, in talking with MIL she related that she and my father had talked the other day and she had heard all about his health woes (she knows him to be very very private/reserved, and not one to share his issues). She couldn't believe how talkative he was, and sharing his info.
She then said this to me: "I don't know ............ you know all you guys with all us old folks that seem to be getting more and more decrepit .. I know you wish that some of us would just go on and die ... you can only be stretched so far".
I responded: "Well now .. my dad isn't fatal .. geeze .. his issues can be fixed, it's just taking some time".
She said: "Well if I could get my name to the top of that list to go on and die, I'd surely do it".
She was referring to the "need" in every direction. Her, of course .. but my dad (though truly, my dad is so private and reserved, he could be on his deathbed from cancer .. and I would be the last to know ... and his wife is right at the johnny on the spot as to his care). The dd's husband's family .. they have a 93 yo father that has just been placed in Hospice, but from there, moved to a NH. And so the g'parents on that end .. for the most part, not a big part in any of this newborn care and/or toddler care .. or dd. They are (IMO .. they could do better, but that's neither here nor there) .. on the front with the 93 yo man .. and his issues, and not present in this scene.
That's what MIL was referencing. All this old people and their "need" in every direction, that we need some of them to go on and die .. and she'd surely put her name at the top of the list if she could.
Well we all want that, what's your plan B.
There isn't one.
No, they don't, either one of them, H or his sister, neither hear me. They simply don't. You would think .. I am someone who doesn't get hopping around excited and scream and yell and act out and cause all kinds of drama. You would think, the fact that I have voice displeasure that this latest caper .. that I had asked that they deploy some backup measures, and none of it transpired .. (other than H having stepped in, in a far larger role than has been the case previously) .. you would've thought that they'd of sat up and listened. The fact that I don't typically pushback. I have voiced displeasure ... SIL knows, as does H. They both know that I am not pleased.
I think, very much so, ... they are both standing on standby mode. Once these babies move on .. that I will step right back up to the plate, and knock it outta the park, as to the well being of their mom. I don't intend to do that, but I don't think either one of them HEAR WHAT I AM SAYING.
Is it because they don't BELIEVE ME? Is it because they choose to stick their heads in the clouds as they do with the fact that their mother needs more help? Is it that they hope, like she does.. that she will die before measures have to be taken that are contrary to what she wants?
I don't really know. But I do know, they don't HEAR WHAT I AM SAYING. That much is for certain. Because, nothing changes.
Oh sure, H has stepped up in a far larger role in all of this in the last few weeks, out of necessity .. but I don't think for a single minute that he thinks this is going to be status quo going forward. He, like SIL, .. they both feel, .. for certain that when I dispense with newborn care et al .. that I will be picking up the torch to run with it again.
That is not what I intend to do.
Maybe some of you folks can help me to more clearly define, at least for myself, so that I can hopefully then impart (tho why bother, they don't hear what I say) ... but maybe if I have a clearer understanding of what I hope to achieve in all of this.. then I can more clearly articulate it, going forward.
I am not heartless. I do care for her. In the event there is an emergency. I wouldn't be heartless and continue on with my leisure stroll in a park, or shopping, or lunch out .. I'd drop what I am doing, to go see what I can do to help. I wouldn't "IGNORE" an emergency situation.
However, I do wish to step off the things that are, what I consider .............. can be done else-wise .. and you guys choosing to not address it and/or deal with it .. is not then going to put it back on me.
For instance .............her dog needing to be groomed. That is not going to be my responsibility. Her dog needing a bath ............ not my responsibility. I don't care to step up to the plate for petcare. There are mobile groomers if you need that service and can't get to it yourself. If you don't wish to partake of that and the expense of it .. then I don't know what to tell you. I choose not to be a pet owner at this point in my life, and that d*mn sure doesn't then mean that I wish to step up to the care of yours.
I don't care to be the one to do the fools errands .. the gluten issue being a fine example of that. The exercise bike that we just had to have, stop the d*mn presses, stop the world from, spinning on it's axis and go get that bike. Bike sits unused to this day.
But how to ............
That's very subjective. Hindsight always 20/20. I did argue the point on the exercise bike .. but the argument back was that the (we known a pickup, SIL here visiting at the time, does not, thus it was put on us to stop the presses and go get this bike) ....... her argument back was that the PT person thinks it would be beneficial .. and that the PT person says he will work with her, so it's safe for her to use it, blah blah blah.
I think, fools errand, .. and I was right. It sits unused. I don't have the time, nor the want to be in the middle of that chit anymore.
But so very subjective. SIL directs, .. "oh would you mind helping MIL with ____________ ", ............ and I happen to think it's stupid and nonsense .. I argue the point .. loose the argument .. and then SIL has me hopping and jumping.
I'm not interested in that stupid minutia anymore.
How to clearly define what I will and won't be doing and delineate for them where that line is.
If MIL has to have a procedure that will cause her to have to be anesthetized, of course, I am not heartless. Yes, I or H would need to be involved in that. If she has to have her eyes dilated for instance, again .. of course, she can't see to drive .. yes, she would need help.
But your normal doc visits (and she seems to have many) .. no .. no thanks. You think she needs someone with her .. then by GOD there are services for that, .. get your mother to agree to it or don't, I don't care... I'm not on board with it all.
Your mother has an emergency of some sort, .. I will certainly be there as backup if need be ..as far as going to the ER where she was taken .. but sitting vigil with her .. no .. not going to be doing that, that's what the paid medical staff are there for. You don't think they are being attentive enough .. well then hire an add'l caretaker to sit vigil . don't know what to say.
I don't know, trying to decide within myself .. and clearly define for me .. so that I can then articulate (not that they hear a d*mn thing I say any way) ... what my line in the sand is .. going forward.
So many of your responses to her have said how busy you are. She is probably just assuming that this is only temporary.
Everyone probably thinks you will step back into the stepandfetchit role. You must make very sure that they understand that you will NOT do this.
The only thing is - and I don't mean don't do it I just mean be prepared - that your description of SIL's oblique approach...
e.g. Will mother be okay without her a/c? Translation: You will want to go to mother's house to repair her air conditioning, and failing that bring her home with you until it is sorted.
... Yes, well. Given that kind of illustration, your SIL reminds me powerfully of similarly anxious long-distance supervisors I could name. And what you need to understand about these offspring is that they are very much their mother's children, and it will, genuinely, come as a serious shock to your SIL that you could conceivably consider anything in the world as equally or more important than her mother. A real shock. I'm not taking the mickey. It probably doesn't enter her head that any right-thinking good-hearted person wouldn't willingly lie in front of a train for her mother. She would, wouldn't she? - or so she thinks, from a very safe distance.
So phrase it carefully, and correct her thinking gently. Say "you will want to do/ensure x, y and z" rather than "I'm not bloody doing x, y and z because it's your bloody job and I'm sick of being taken for granted and frankly I have much better and more important things to concern myself with."
Do you get the sense, Dorker, that H is on board with getting his mom to live in AL or is he too waiting for the "catastrophe"? Have you and he discussed this since the twins birth?
I am sure that as H is called for "mom" duty more frequently jhe may be on the threshold in placing her but not there yet. Unless he is biding his time until his sister comes back to find the MIL a place?
It's probably been too busy around your house to have had time for serious discussions.
You still have to support the H on this journey by providing guidance but no actual "doing ".
Amazing that she made it to the appointment! I am impressed.! And the supermarket! Wowser!
I'm not suggesting that you yell at her or anything, far from it. I just think that those of us who are people pleasers often keep our anger to ourselves and assume that everyone else knows that we're fuming.
It sounds as though DH knows that you are done being the go-fer in this untenable situation. But at some point, you may need to reply to a text with an email that says something along the lines of.....
Dear SIL, the time has come for everyone in the family to recognize that MIL needs more help than I can give her. To force the point, I'm officially resigning as the "bandaid solution" to MIL's issues. She needs a more comprehensive care plan going forward; you and your brother will surely come up with a good solution to these issues." Something like that.
At some point, DD won't need all the help she does now; you need to make it clear to everyone that you are not EVER stepping back into your previous role.
My two cents....
As long as you know it's coming Dorker. Exactly as you said too, I'll bet as you know them best.
SIL is going to think you have the twins and toddler under control in a few weeks so you will be available to step & fetch again in no time....
It's coming....
a thought - when, inevitably, the question gets asked, you might simply say - "geeze, better get with H on that one, I helping daughter", otherwise she might see it as you being willing to return to the mil task once dd and babies are better settled. As I understand it, that is not the case.
So glad you are enjoying the grands. Joyful tired is good.
SIL surfaced this morning, in a text wanting to know how it's going with the babies and the mommy. I reported back as to the goings on and then said, "gotta run". And that ended that.
I feel quite certain, she was hoping to hear that I am now "free" of baby care, to now hop-to as to her agenda and her worries with her mother. She was told otherwise. I am no more free at this point, than I was a week ago, .. nor will I be next week, or likely the week after.
There is absolutely 0 time at this point to be doing anything on MIL's behalf. Today dd had a post-op check (why do doctors take so long to take you back, I think we waited an hour for her to be seen). Then it was off to the baby store to pick up some more items needed, then lunch time, then feeding time .. on and on and on it goes.
If anyone thought for a single second that I'd somehow shew all that way and dispense with it all rapidly and take up the torch again, of geriatric care, they were sadly mistaken.
Sounds like MIL did alright for herself, as to getting to the doc office, and then a trip to the grocery afterwards even. She talked, MIL did .. of the swaying as she walked, the ... as she says of it ... "you know I am always about one hair from falling" .. she talked of that whole thing as she made her way into and out of the doc office, and as well as the grocery.
I asked her, "I bet you didn't have your walker did you?". She scoffed at that, as if that is just preposterous to think she would consider such. Cautioned her .. "you do know you could do so much better getting around if you would just use that walker". She said in response, "I know, and the day may come that I have to .. but I'm not going to use it a day before I have to". (clue for her, that day is here, she is just choosing to ignore it).
If her daughter is worried as to her mother's well being, it's not getting passed my way. I'm too busy with what I have going on presently. She too, likely .. so covered up in enjoying her own family there .. maybe she has put all that worry and anxiety on a shelf temporarily.
But if not, she can pass it along to her brother. I'm waiting, I'm ready .. the text will come, "I know you're busy with those babies, but do you think you could get mom, to *x, y, z* appointment in two weeks, .. do you think you'll be up for that ...".
It's coming.
And when it does, it will be said to her, "geeze, better get with H on that one, I helping daughter at present .. don't know what that task might be over with".
It's coming, .. just don't know when.
If I could only unload and say what I want to say .. but there is 40 years plus of family relationship here that I don't really have any desire to destroy in one fell swoop.
I'd like to tell her, if I only could .. "geeze, two weeks from so and so .. that sounds like about the date you agreed to dog-sit for your daughter .. maybe that might need to be reconsidered in the interest of your concern for your mom, she says she can manage, I choose to let her".
Anyway. On this front, I am tired .. but it's a joyful tired. I am enjoying these precious little babies that can't "manage" on their own. And helping dd to recover from surgery. And not sorry a bit for it.
H isn't all that .. oh I don't know what you'd call it, he doesn't feel the need to reach out and touch anyone with the latest issue dujour or what he's done or hasn't done, etc etc. He just does what he does .. and that's the end of it. SIL .. normally, she'd be bugging the life out of me, to step and fetch. But she is otherwise occupied with her family in town visiting her. Wouldn't be typical that she'd reach out to H, . .. I've been in that gap ... for years .. I'd be the one she'd be reaching out to, not H. But she isn't reaching out to H or me .. she's too busy with her own family there under her roof, visiting.
It will come that the two of them have to talk, but I'm out of all that as to when/where/how that happens. That's between them.
I think, IMO .. SIL's view of how poorly MIL is doing, is skewed by the fact that when SIL visits here .. she literally does everything short of breathing for her mother. Literally.
That doesn't give you an accurate portrayal of what MIL does during her normal day, when it's up to her .. on her own . .. if she wants a glass of water .. she has to get up .. (struggle for her, mighty struggle, where she almost falls) but she's the one that has to do it, .. nobody there to get it for her. If the dog needs out, needs in, time to fix a sandwich for lunch, or pop a microwave dinner in .. or any of the other number of things, going to get your mail .. your laundry.
She doesn't have to lift a finger when SIL visits, SIL does all the above and so much more. It doesn't then portray an accurate picture of just how much deterioration there is. I had, when I was on the front of all this .. tried to implore SIL to let MIL do for herself, the things she has to do when SIL isn't in town.
Didn't do any good. Might as well talk to a wall. But in the end, what that mean is that SIL isn't even REALLY aware just how bad her MIL is ... how could she be, she's so busy doing everything short of breathing .. that her mother would have to do on her own.
At some point, . her and H are going to have to put their heads together ..
Turns out MIL did indeed take herself to the doctor visit yesterday. And it was the vein doctors .. and they are the ones that are zapping something or other in her veins in her legs. They weren't at all concerned about the edema in her foot/ankle, telling her they aren't finished, . there are other veins they have to do .. and when they do .. it will eliminate some of that, but it's a process. She also went by the grocery store after having gone on the doc appointment (on her own).
She must've had a really astoundingly good day. Typically she isn't able to do that. Good for her.
Just glad it wasn't me that was asked to step and fetch as to it all.
Been absolutely crazy here. If it's not enough mom is recuperating from c-section, and two newborn twins .. they are in the process of moving. Just utter chaos.
She is very grateful to have the solace of our home .. and our help. Her home she was residing in, nothing now but a bunch of boxes .. and the home she is going to, not yet ready (painting and re-carpeting being done). So she really would have a mess on her hands, absent the ability to stay here (and turn this world upside down on this end).
Her husband can't be around much, since somebody has to pack up the old house and get it moved, someone has to go to the new house, to meet with the cable tv folks, the carpeting folks, the door folks (changing out some doors) the painters, etc etc etc.
It's a lot of work .. looking after it all here, but definitely 1000% .. it was the absolute right thing to do ... Dd needs us .. desperately, as do the babies and the (almost) 4 yo. We are enjoying this special time with the little newborns. They are tiny like this for such a short time.
Quiet tonight, .. sent dd to bed .. it's been a hectic day for her (babies' first pediatric well baby ck up) .. and then over to the old house they are moving away from, to help direct her husband as to what needs packing in what boxes (she sat, he packed), .. and then squalling babies .. and the home they are moving from, open doors so they can move things onto the moving truck and mosquitoes flying in, AC flying out the door .. it was time for us to go. Time to head back to the solace of this home, and the tranquility and organization here. It was the absolute right decision and I am loving every minute of this fatiguing time.
I am thinking the SIL may forego the dog sitting- get someone else to do it - and make the trip to see her mother in 2-3 weeks. SIL is aware, I hope realistically but maybe not YET, that her mom needs supervision. The siblings should start talking - mil finances, options in her area, etc.
Let's get that micromanaging done now, SIL! She can move mountains- and in wall AC units - like magic! Hope the SIL can hold up to the real pressure of getting her mother moved into somewhere. Going through the mom's apartment? Have at it, SIL! Go save the day and get your mother tended to for her MIL's safety - #1 concern. SIL's neurotic attention to detail regarding her mom should come in handy here.
Ideally your H & his sister are talking and planning this whilst you are taking care of a brand new family that needs you. I will bet they are during the day too.
Of course who knows? But continue to dis-engage, forget the potassium pills (the MIL "can manage".
Just stay back Dorker and let the siblings take care of their mother!
Yea, I'm aware that hubby is going to deal with her the way he best sees fit. Today being a fine example of that. The last I'd heard he was going to be taking off work to get her to that doc appt today. But this morning, the story had changed.
I didn't harangue him as to why. As far as I know she convinced him she'd go. And maybe she did go, I don't know. I haven't asked.
I have a few minutes alone tonight. Mommy and babies (and 4 yo), have gone to the other g'parents for an evening visit.
The important thing is, she is non-compliant with meds. Wonder if SHE knows that if she doubles up on Lasix there is "electrolyte H*ll to pay"? If she doesn't, then that's a layer of cognitive loss that should be noted.
Baby boy got his first little mini-bath today and got all freshened up and then promptly pooped in his diaper. A predictor of what he will be as a toddler likely. Clean him up and get him dressed, and he'll go find a way to get dirty.
No H did not go to take MIL to the doc appt today. I'm not sure what happened that he derailed from that mission. I didn't ask. I think MIL has him convinced she can take herself there. We shall see if that indeed occurs and what the verdict is.
I thought this was interesting and very telling. He said that his mother had taken a double dose of the Lasix trying to rid the edema. I followed that (just conversationally in passing), "hope she is taking the Potassium if she's doing that". Him: "Potassium?". Me: "Yes, .. she needs to be taking Potassium, .. she will deplete her body of that by ridding it of fluids and it can throw the heart out of rhythm". Him: "See! I don't know all this stuff".
I wanted to say to him (but didn't) .. "you guys really kicked a gift horse in the mouth by not LISTENING to what I had to say to the point that I am now .. stepping way off this train, good luck to ya".
No, he doesn't know that, nor anything else about any meds she takes and why .. and why she doesn't take some specific ones. Because .. he had me to deal with his mom.
Learning curve. Better get on it.
Shane1124: You had mentioned a couple of times that SIL needs to be figuring a way to get back this way after her guests leave.
You may have missed it when I mentioned it previously. She has to dogsit next.
Priorities are very different here apparently, between she and myself. I have been on the forefront of this whole scene with their mom for over a decade .. and more importantly in SIL's absence, when she isn't here.
SIL, to her credit, she does roll up her sleeves when she comes and does the dirty work and everything else.
BUT ............
Very different priorities, if you ask my opinion.
Of course I'd spent months touting to both H and his sister what my radar was going to look like and encouraging that they make some contingency arrangements .. since I wouldn't be available.
It would've been my wish that SIL come about now .. so that I can focus on dd.
But SIL couldn't .. her son .. coming from on the other side of the globe, he and his family. I suggested that her son .. maybe he'd like to come this way and rent a condo for he and his family .. for their stay in the states, at or near some vacation destination .. so that she could be here on the scene to care for her mom if need be, and if not, free to visit with her son and his wife and kids (she rarely sees, because of where they live). No, .. he wouldn't want to do that .. I was told. He likes to come to where SIL lives. It's where he was raised.. it's where some of his friends live .. it's where his doctors and dentists are .. he'd want to be there.
Ooookay then!
So my next suggestion was that she engage some 3rd parties, talk to her mom about that. Nope . mom won't hear of it. No way/no how.
She then mentioned that she would come back this way after her guests leave. But soon, within a day or two .. (get this, ready .. hold on to your socks) .. she let me know that no, indeed she won't be coming right back, she has to dog sit for her daughter.
Let me get this straight .. I have shouted from every rooftop that your mom needs more help here .. I have made that more than abundantly clear ... and not only that, also that I will be completely outta pocket. And you find it acceptable to stay home and "DOG SIT", for your grown daughter, to GO ON VACATION?!?!?!
I didn't say all that. Obviously we all make our own choices. But the above were my thoughts for sure.
If ever it cemented my notion that I need to step away from all of this. That one thing .. surely was a huge part of it.
Her grown daughter has a great job, makes really good $ .. and has the ability, for the most part, to travel at will. SIL has been the dog sitter of preference for .. oh .. I'd guess about the 7 or 8 years the daughter has owned dogs.
Here's my thinking on that, and obviously not the way SIL thinks. If it were me, I'd be having a conversation with my adult daughter, dog owner .. and say to her, "Geeze you know I love your dogs and I enjoy them .. and I have had a blast watching all 3 of them .. a lot of weekends while you go out of town to resorts and Caribbean locations .. but ya know, my world here is changing ... my mother is very aged/feeble and I need to be on that front as much as I possibly can, . so .. I kinda think what you may have to do is talk to some of your friends that you trust maybe, if you'd like to do that, or maybe find somewhere that you are comfortable boarding them, because I'm not going to be available to be here to watch them, I really need to get to my mother and care for her".
That's about how I think all that should go.
Here's how SIL framed it all when I questioned the need to "dog sit" when there is so much left undone here. Here's the synopsis of what SIL said, basically. Well the two little dogs .. they have these weird food issues .. and so you know one of them gets aggressive when the other is eating and she would really have a hard time finding a boarding site that would be able to accommodate that . ... and the big dog .. he doesn't mix well with others and she worries that he'd be an aggression issue for the kennel she might have to leave him with, so really it's better that I watch them for her.
That just about sums up what her take on it is, as well as my take.
I still disagree that the adult daughter's dogs .. should take priority over her ailing/frail mother. Couldn't disagree more. It's not appropriate that she make that choice.
So no, she won't be coming to care for her mother .. she will be dog-sitting 3 dogs ... for her adult daughter (daughter is single .. no children) and adult daughter is going on vaca with her b'friend and needs a dog-sitter.
Fine .. we all make our choices. I'm free to make mine also. I guess, that will become more and more evident to those who choose to not "hear" me, maybe they'll begin to "see" the proof in the pudding, because they sure didn't "hear it".
Stay strong, stay calm and stay detached. You are doing the right thing. Keep freezing out SIL and/or forwarding her texts to hubby.
Remain focused as hubby has spells of discomfort. This is an adjustment for him. He got awfully accustomed to you being the band-aid all these years. That was then; this is now.
Hubby is learning a new language, too. And being forced to develop new coping skills. Stay "where you are" -- literally and figuratively.
And don't sweat it if hubby handles the MIL episodes differently than you would. Detach! His monkey, his circus.
Have a good day with DD & her guy & the 3 sweet grandchildren! 🙂