I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
The last time my mother was in the ER, they asked me if I could sign for the discharge instructions. Although I can (I have a durable general POA, as do my brothers), I said that my mother signs for herself. And so she did.
Stop showing up. Stop explaining and stop showing up.
"Sorry, it will have to wait for SIL to get here....."
You said SIL wouldn't come due to not wanting to leave MIL. The irony is not lost on that - she will still leave to go home 1000 miles away thinking all is well and her mom can manage.
Enjoy that pedicure!
............and what of the fact that at one time I was close to these people, would still like to be .. I don't wish to have a contentious relationship and discord amongst all of us and me as the SOB in it all. I REALLY DO NOT.
I have vacationed with these people in years past . and had many many many good times and have been close to them.
So I let it be known, in the event of another hospital visit .......... "nope not gonna be there, this is up to you DH and your sister .. make it work .. can't do it".
That gets met with DH: "I have to work, if I don't finish this project and get on to the next one that guy is gonna have my head on a chopping block I already missed 2 days with all this horsesh*t .. I've got to work".
SIL.. as was the case above ... not even here yet. Yes, due to arrive later that day .. but what if the case is .. sister can't be here for two more days .. and so the plan that has been attempted is, "Well you go stay with my mom for two days in the daytime and I will stay with her at night, til sister can get here".
My refusal .. if I'm over here saying, "Nope not doing that ..."
See above, ..
DH: "I have to work".
And the contention that follows, and discord ...and then I'm the SOB that is being uncooperative and truly I am not an uncooperative person .. to a fault ...
But I am not being listened to, that's apparent to all of you who have followed all this.
Next time (God forbid, but in case) - DH turns his phone off, you stay out of it, leave MIL safe in the hospital until there's a better option.
I sit here .. (will get up and get busy as soon as I finish licking my wounds, as they say), pondering it all.
I think of things like, at times in the past ... I try to get SIL to let's go out and in that setting ... I can have her ear for a bit .. without distraction .. (has been tried, time and again in her visits here) .. try to enlist DH in that equation ....
Here's what happens:
SIL: "Oh I don't know, I don't feel right leaving MIL here ..".
UHM OKAY .. but it's okay that you go on home to your residence, 1K miles away .. explain that to me. You can't give me 2 or 3 hours .. alone, to have your ear .. but you can go on home 1K miles away and then begin with the directives as to your mother's well being. Explain that.
Try to get DH and his sister to sit down and make a plan, talk to one another.
DH is so busy with his own world . that he just takes at face value what is said to him ...
i.e. look no further than a little more than a month ago, when I'd been hopping up and down for months on end, "Hey guys .. listen up .. I'm going to be spoken for here .. there is no way that I can continue to see about your mother .. I will not be able to do it .. we need more help here .. or she needs to go to sister's .. this isn't working ... her needs are increasing, she can no longer manage on her own .. we need 3rd party involvement here".
That whole story is already listed here, ad nauseum. "I will manage, don't you guys send someone here to help me, I know what I need to do . and I will do it .. ",
Followed by the other, "She's so stubborn, what am I gonna do tie her up and drag her onto the airplane".
Just all of it .. makes me feel so nauseated.
DH .. you try to get his ear. See above.
Have the siblings discussed what is going to happen going forward?
Yes the MIL's mental state may have been by the UTI, but to attribute all her cognitive deficits to just a UTI and thinking once that's resolved things will be honky dory is pure denial. She got a UTI because she isn't drinking enough because she can no longer make decisions for herself to keep herself well. Her driving days are over - who do they expect will pick up the slack with that?
I hope the MIL goes home with your sister in law, but who will watch the MIL while SIL goes back home, gets her husband, and drives 1000 miles? That'll take a week of MIL being home alone.
Dorker try to stress to the H the importance of spending time with his sister to get on the same page.
And then just ignore the MIL situation as they have ignored your warnings.
I said "No, she is to have an EEG and an MRA".
SIL: "What's that?".
Explain what each is and why.
SIL: "Who said that?".
Me: "Her attending physician (hospitalist), it should be in the orders there as to discharge instructions".
SIL: "I hadn't seen that, how do I get that done?".
ME: "Not sure, I guess call the primary care doc and let them direct you, or the neuro doc".
SIL: "Ok, let me add that to the list".
OR ..............ALSO ......................
As we sat there with the home health nurse, who it turns out really was only there to list meds and educate on same, as well as take vitals (not really what I thought it would be and my presence there really kinda .. just frustrating for me).
And, it was said by me, as part of her rehab she'd be needing to participate in clearance to drive again, a rehab program.
That too, .. SIL not seemingly aware of.
I brought forward the paperwork indicating same.
That then brought forward some discussion as to the screening done by an OT person that shows evidence of short term memory deficit and language deficit and that recommendation that there be a full battery eval on that issue and rehab accordingly.
SIL unaware of that.
That's why I say ... will SIL see to it all through, thoroughly ...??.... I don't know. How long will all that take? I don't know. Will see stay here to see it all through to its conclusion .. I don't know.
Easier to waltz back to your life 1K miles away and micro-manage from afar .. having not fully addressed the fact that her mother is not med complaint, is a fall risk .. won't comply (or hasn't before now, is presently but has not prior) with assistive device "Walker" use, won't comply with support hose recommendation if not going to use the Lasix, won't go to doc appts consistently, on and on and on it goes. Yea, just skim the surface of what's needed, .. act unaware of the full depth of the whole thing and waltz back to your life 1K miles away and then send directives this way, "mother needs ____________________ and _________________ and when you're there, could you look at ______________ and on your way, would you ck on _____________ and pick up _______________if you have the chance .......... oh and her dog ____________ and ___________ and I forgot to ask you, she has an appt with so and so on such and such date, can you get her to that"
Direct it to DH ............ "I'm too busy I have to work for a living here".
Dial swings right back to me.
I insist, "this is too much anymore, need 3rd party involvement here .. neighbors, church folks, home health, I don't know you guys .. this is too much".
Default, back to: "I know what I have to do and I will do it, I will manage" AND ....... "Don't you guys send anyone to my door, I won't answer it, I don't want people coming here" .......... AND ........... "She's so stubborn, what am I gonna do tie her up and drag her here", ...... AND ....... on and on it goes.
Lather/rinse/repeat. Lather/rinse/repeat. Over and over.
The plan that I'd been aware of (unless it has changed) was that she would work here to stabilize her mother and bring her to travel-worthy strength/stamina (heard all this before though), and then return via flight to her home .. and then regroup and rest a minute then get in the car and drive here .. she and the husband that MIL detests so much .. and bring her mother back to her home. Temporary? Permanent? No answer.
That had been the "plan" I was aware of, unless it's changed.
My questions to the both of them in the form of, "Uhm .. how do you guys propose that's going to happen, she's always been so firmly entrenched in I'm not going ANYWHERE .. I want to stay in MY HOME and I WILL MANAGE" .. you guys got a memo that indicates differently at this point?
The answers I've gotten have been:
DH: I'm going to the the SOB that pushes that agenda .. she can't live alone anymore (but see the conversation that went on last night, that SIL reports PT says that the confusion/dillerium ... attributed .. via PT .. to UTI .. they see it all the time. i.e. setting the stage for .. things are fine .. UTI tx'd .. she's fine .. as SIL returns to her home and leaves MIL in place).
SIL: I know .. she can be so d*mn stubborn . I don't know .. all I can do is work on it, and try to convince her.
The above have been the answers I've been given.
How long does SIL plan to be here? I don't know. See above .. it's been said that she will work to make her stable enough to be travel-worthy. How long will that take? Who knows.
I know that if the care-plan that I was aware of .. (who knows if SIL will see that through to its conclusion) .....
MIL no longer allowed to drive until cleared by doc
Part of that will be participation in a driving program/rehab (?), not literally, but some driving rehab program for those who may wish to drive again .. but need to be cleared to do so. Will need clearance to do so, and part of that is participation in some driving/rehab thing.
She will need PT .. how long? Who knows.
She will need the complete battery (that's what I was aware of, whether it will be seen to, is anybody's guess) of cognitive workup and recommended that OT be a part of rehab for cognitive issues .. and her short term memory deficits and language deficits (language . as in . I guess .. ???.... not sure .. she seems to have trouble finding the word she wishes to say .. as she talks).
She is to have an MRA
She is to have an EEG
Follow up with her cardio doc
Follow up with Primary Care doc
Follow up with Neuro doc
All of the above, .. the care-plan that I was there . at discharge and being discussed (remember, NOBODY else could be there to get her .. DH having to work, SIL not yet here .. I was the one there, when nurse was going over discharge instructions and care plan going forward).
The above was what was listed.
Will SIL see all the above through to its conclusion before she heads back home. Remains unsaid.
Will she even see about all the above, at all .. thoroughly .. remains unsaid.
You will be very busy with childcare once D returns to work. That alone makes caregiving for MIL in pretty much any capacity out of the question. And, although you don't need an excuse, it is a very good one!
I'm wondering, too, how long SIL plans to stay. Does she have a return airline ticket?
How long is SIL planning to stay this time, remind me?
This isnt' just about my being able to be g'ma and help dd. At some point dd will get her bearings better, the babies will sleep through the night, dd will be returning to work .. life will go on.
When dd returns to work (she worked p/t before and will resume that same scenario), I will be the one that watches the kids for her and that isn't negotiable .. it's what I want to do. So whatever that schedule looks like (it's retail so it fluctuates), I will be on the childcare front when that resumes, at least to accommodate dd's p/t schedule.
This all goes well beyond that measure with dd and new babies and complicated pregnancy and so on and so forth. It's not at all a matter that *oh well gee, .. things are gonna run like a well oiled machine at some point with dd and that setting and then I can step right back up to the plate as to MIL's well being*.
That isn't my mindset at all on any of this.
This dawned on me. For myself, speaking only on the subject and my thoughts, it's no longer, for me .. just about MIL's well being, not for me it isn't. For me, it's about resentment.
Somewhere along the line, this whole thing crossed over from my being a caring person who wanted what was best for MIL and worked toward that end, to more a situation where I'm along the lines of, "NO, just NO ... just because I happen to live in the same city as your mother DH, and SIL .. that does not give you or anyone else the right to dump all this in my lap to deal with .. neither of you will be on the front lines when my day comes with my own parents .. and that's not lost on me, at all".
I like that as an answer, "Well that's nice". And then just walk away. Although it doesn't hit me as "well that's nice". Not one iota.
Interesting none have talked to any physicians, other than DH did happen to be in the room when the neuro doc came in and he did ask the neuro doc, did he feel comfortable for her to go home alone, just her and her dog. And the neuro doc responded that no, .. he'd been under the impression her daughter was flying in to stay with her. DH confirmed that to be true, and the doc then responded that's fine as long as the daughter is willing/able to take care of her.
But no one has asked any physician any prognosis here as to her well being ..
AND .....
I"m not even sure I believe .. if SIL were the one to accompany MIL to any setting of that sort of a Q&A .. I'm not even sure that I believe in the integrity of anything she'd report that was said, at this point.
Just pretty clear, SIL .. is happy to keep coming here .. and then returning to her own life .. absent the f/t care of her mother .. and neither are willing to step up to the plate and tell their mother that it's either SIL's home 1K miles away or a facility.
You've moved on to baby /daughter duty.
You're leaving EVERYTHING to do with MIL to DH. If he chooses to believe SIL and not the docs, that's on him.
If I were you, I would simply say " that's nice" to any and all reports of MIL. You've explained to them what is going to happen. Now, you're just going to have to let it happen.
They clearly do not believe, not just you, but the docs, that this is serious stuff. Stop explaining. Let them see it in action.
Had a few things to get done here, but set out to pick up the 4 yo for library story hour at 9:30 and we did that, then back to dd's house and baby duty from there forward.
I just got home, and it's almost 10 PM. Got to dd's at noon from the story time at the Library with the 4 yo. And brought lunch. As soon as we finished that, dd went to bed. She didn't get up until right at 6:30. Her husband not yet in from work, so I stayed to help her until he could get there.
When he came in, he suggested to her that they load up the kids and go grab a bite for dinner and I told them to just go, I'd mind the kids.
Dd got some much needed rest .. 4 yo got some attention and patience from someone not exhausted (me) and the babies, I GOT TO ENJOY THEM. It was a win/win for all. And, hands down, I am appreciated in that corner, there is absolutely no doubt about it.
And here we go. I get home tonight, talking to DH briefly. He mentions he talked to his sister today, and his sister reports the confusion/disorientation (remember, she couldn't remember how to use a phone, couldn't remember how to start her car) that it was due to the UTI that was found. They see it all the time, so SIL says the PT reports.
I don't doubt that UTI causes confusion/disorientation. But the OT folks found "cognitive impairment, as in .. short term memory deficit". And I'm here to tell ya .. it's there. That and more. She hasn't had their full battery of tests.
But that's the thing here .. SIL already painting the pic that MIL is doing swimmingly well .. and so it's coming. I'm gonna be the SOB in all of this .. that does NOT support the decision, in the end, that she be allowed to continue living alone. Here we go, it's starting already.
Seen all this b/s before. Same story, different day.
When my daughters had their babies---THEY were my one and only priority until things had settled down. Mother got angry a couple of times b/c I wasn't always available, and she said I "spoiled" my daughters (she never helped me or my sisters when we had babies, maybe a meal, but NO babysitting, ever!!). My sweet girls didn't plan this, but the 4 of them had a baby--one month apart for 4 months!! It was grueling. Most days were spent putting out fires and fighting mastitis and baby blues in some neck of the woods for months.....I jokingly said "Let's not do that again" 2 years later, they DID the same thing!! It was rough! Now we have cousins for everyone, which is awesome and they will grow up together---but I look back on those days and I am really amazed that I made it! I am so glad I had that precious times with my girls and the babies and the older kids.
GO!!! Ignore phone calls from DH and SIL, Take care of your daughter. She's going to crash and burn--be a MOM and forget about the evil MIL. Let Dr No-shot (what we call the uninvolved men in the family who won't do conflict.....) handle his own mom. I get the impression you've covered for him a LOT.
Go love on those babies and help dd to get at least 4 hours of continuous sleep, if at all possible! This too shall pass---but I'm sure she's totally overwhelmed, right now.
I understand that you can't believe that she's not going to end up on your hands, but you've made your point often enough and strongly enough. DH gets it.
It's HIS job to deal with SIL and MIL.
Just ignore them and take care of poor DD! You've done your part.
1. You can actually do something useful for your daughter and grand babies, who would moreover appreciate it.
2. You can't realistically do anything useful for your MIL, because it's not that sort of problem.
3. Your husband doesn't see there's any contest - he says go and help DD.
4. You want to help your daughter.
So... what's the issue?
I'm glad you will be with your D now, as she really needs you. Poor thing...I remember the sleepless newborn days and it must be much worse with twins!
If that means sil minimizes, and the PT and OT don't catch it, so be it. You have done more than your share of trying to get the right help for mil.
Maybe there will be a crisis no matter what you do or don't do. It happens as we get older.
Dd desperately needs more sleep and she won't get that without your help. The babies/4 yr old need a healthy rested mother and a loving supportive grandmother. Go for it. The mil chips will fall where they may.
You just posted the thoughts I was having yesterday regarding MILs time from the present to when she floats up to her cloud if she continues being her own worst enemy. You used H's uncle as an example.
It's funny how the Universe, someone upstairs, or just circumstances make our decisions for us. Your dd's situation has steered you away from the meeting/assessment today.
Who knows, what if SIL tries to insert herself too much into the assessment and MIL turns on her like she did H? Might be a good thing.
The truth of it all is that when SIL isn't here to do the above .. it falls off a cliff, . that is the absolute true picture.
It's maddening to me that SIL .. she doesn't "see it" because she's so busy with all her nervous energy doing and doing .. and yea it all has a lid on it, typically, because she's been here doing it all .. all that MIL has to do for herself, when she ISN'T here and so off she goes to her home 1K miles away .. with her .. likely .. in her own mind, assured MIL is buttoned down and okay. Yea, because you were here .. managing every aspect of her life, short of breathing for her. Everything short of getting her a glass of water .. to med management, to dog care, to nourishment, hydration, transportation, etc etc etc.
As I told SIL this morning when I explained the situation in dd's world .. the words I shared with SIL as follows: "I can't be there, I can only hope you guys can put together a plan going forward that unless there is some miraculous recovery on MIL's part and I don't see that happening .. she can no longer live alone. I think it's important that my input be a part of it all, so they can see this person doesn't manage, unless someone is there 24/7 as it is when you arrive here ... but you can't be here all the time .. and so when you aren't here, the things you do for her, she has to do for herself, and it falls off a cliff .. every time .. I can only hope that she either miraculously recovers ... don't see that happening .. or that they and you can tell, she can no longer live alone, period. I'm going in the direction of my dd and that front, it's as I said it would be back when you were here in May .. and I said at that point that's where I will be needed, and I won't be available to be on the front with MIL and it is turning out to be as I said it would, she needs my help and that's what I'm going to do".
Talking to DH this morning as I mentioned that I felt compelled (until this latest with DD) .. to go in the direction as a plan is put in place as to MIL's upcoming therapies, etc.
Him: "You go to daughter, she needs you, let sister manage that out there".
Explaining to him, "But don't you see that your sister does everything short of breathing for your mom and so things rock along smoothly in that setting .. don't you see that". Him: "Yes .. absolutely .. mother cannot live alone anymore and I'm gonna be the SOB that keeps pushing that".
Him now off talking .. I think it hit him hard just how nasty his mom was to him when he tried to hit her with reality the other night, and she was ..very nasty to him and since then reporting in to his sister as to how "ugly" he was to her. I think that has hit him hard. I think he is able to process and comprehend that his mother's brain isn't right .. and as such, behaviors such as what he was a part of the other night are what is exhibited. He's able to process that, but also .. he's able to see in that .. that she needs more help (the very thing I've been screaming for months/years in fact).
Now .. even still .. .. whether SIL .. who is here presently .. and buttoning down everything so it runs like a gem ... whether she will then be able to sell him that mother is stabilized and thinks she can manage .. and so I'm going home now, and besides that, she's so stubborn, she just won't "let us" and she just "won't agree to" .. so on and so forth. I can see that happening on down the road here. Very much so.
He can't be there on the scene to see what I'm talking about, that MIL doesn't even have to do as much as get up and get her own salt and pepper or glass of water, or let her dog out and in, or manage her meds, or her nutrition or hydration .. or tranpsortation .. as much as he can't be there, he is working .. so he too doesn't see it/live it.
So yes, as much as he is saying the words that need to be said, "Mother can't live alone ANYMORE and I'm the SOB that is gonna see to it that isn't the case going forward". As much as he says those words .. do I think that will be where the water hits the wheel in the end. No, .. I don't hold out a lot of line in the sand, hope, that will be the case. SIL here dancing to the beat of that drum and buttoning everything down and then the whole MIL tears ... I don't want to have to leave my home, I don't want to go .. and SIL with the whole, "Well we've gotten everything resolved here and she says she can manage .. and so that's what we're gonna do, I mean afterall, she doesn't want to go, what am I gonna do tie her up and drag her into my car ..
Will DH buy that yet again?
I can't say that he won't, no.
Unfortunate. I hope that isn't the case. He is sure saying the right things as to how it should roll going forward. But we'll see.
But I do believe, as some have said here . this is a tragedy/accident waiting to happen .. and when it does, no one will have a say ..
As I told him this morning .. "ya know, she keeps failing to manage her meds .. and it's gonna be a catstrophic stroke . think of your uncle that laid in a nursing home for over a year, after a catastrophic stroke .. and he didn't know who he was anymore, unable to toilet himself, feed himself . etc., that's where this is going .. we better hope if that happens she doesn't know who she is .. because . .if she does . it's gonna be that much uglier .. your uncle .. forunate that he was in that state and didn't even know who he was anymore .. if your mother does end up in that stage but has enough function to know who she is and her circumstance . but unable to toilet, feed herself, ambulate, etc .. it's gonna be really really ugly and that's where this is going if she continues on this path". He agrees.
(at least for now, he agrees)
I can't imagine her workload, adjusting to 2 new babies, a 4 y/o, still unpacking most likely and adjusting to a new home.
She needs her mom for TLC.
Let the SIL deal with the MIL. Your daughter needs you more.
My poor dd, while I've been in the road managing this til SIL could get here, .. she hasn't been sleeping. She is sleeping, around the clock, dd, in hour or so increments, as the twins tag-team on being awake.
Went there last night to take dinner and she happened to have a friend over visiting (long time friend of her's that I know and think of as a daughter, sweet girl). The girl asked dd, "so how are you doing?". DD .. (who looks so so tired, eyes are so sleepy looking) dd answered, "....well .. fighting the baby blues, in tears a lot .. but just exhausted". The friend (has no children) "how does that go?, what's that about". Dd explaining to her the exhaustion of babies that won't sync with their sleep schedules and being unable to adequately rest, hormones trying to resume normalcy .. baby blues, etc. Her friend asking her, "oh man, what can you do?". Dd responding, "it's just the way it is .. nothing you can do but just get through it".
I could've cried. Isn't that what I said in the beginning of all this, that I WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE TO THIS SCENE WITH MIL and her needs, I will be spoken for on the front with my dd. That's what I said all along as this pregnancy progressed with complications and the upcoming twins. And then it got temporarily derailed .. with my being on the MIL front. I had backed away from dd ... at one point and let them have their autonomy to manage it, and soon found out (dd not one to complain and ask for help) that she wasn't indeed managing as well as I might've thought. So I jumped in again, headlong .. and she, so grateful, as I'd come and rescue .. be that take care of babies so she can sleep, be that take the 4 yo out and get her out of dd's hair . be that help with house-cleaning, meals, etc. So grateful. Then, .. MIL's situation fell off the cliff (as it always does) and I went in that direction.
I hear from dd this morning that she slept a total of 1 hour last night.
I know that dd did call on her younger sister the other day, having had 1.5 hours of sleep the night before .. her youngest sister did go and help her for a few hours. Dd aware at that point that I was on the MIL scene, didn't ask for my help, asked for youngest sister's help.
Dd reporting in to me this morning, via text, that last night was awful .. that the little boy baby didn't sleep at all. She got 1 hour of sleep.
I am going in that direction. I had already planned to pick up the 4 yo and take her to the library story hour, and I will do that, but then will return to their home with the 4 yo and send dd to bed and I'll deal with the babies.
As much as I think it's important that my input be a part of the scene over with MIL .. I think it's more important that my dd have some adequate rest.
I have my answers as to where my allegiance needs to be at this point.