I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I have a question, though...MIL has a reverse mortgage on her house, right? If she goes into a facility, how is that going to work? Will she be Medicaid-eligible? Does Medicaid pay for Assisted Living in your state? Or does it pay for nursing home only?
I hope that you and your H won't be expected to fund MIL's facility! And what happens to the dog? I know you said that you don't want a pet at this point.
You probably also know that the way to break off triangulated communication is to stop being the messenger and go-fer. Which you've done, brilliantly.
It clearly pains you to abandon your MIL, because you see that your take on her needs is more accurate than DH's or SIL's (theirs is based on hope and denial; yours is based on facts).
As someone said earlier, you've given her several years of better living and better health, and you've raised the alarm that more help, care and medical intervention is needed.
Now you need to step back and see if these two scared, scarred siblings can align their forces to get their mom the help she needs.
Let me give you another example of something that happened in MY FAMILY where I took control of the situation and dealt with my own mother .. and there wasn't all this ranting at others.
My mother, at one time, had to come live with us. Told that story earlier, the yacht they bought, husband accidentally died .. her now, nowhere to live. We took her into our home, until that yacht sold and she could then buy her own place.
The yacht finally sold, the hunt was on, for a suitable setting for her. She found a condo, not too far from here, and closing date set for purchase, and move in.
In the middle of all that (so like my mother, chaos is nothing to her, ... she is fine with chaos, I on the other hand am so very NOT okay with chaos). In the middle of all that, she'd been in touch with some of our family that lives several states away and they'd mentioned they'd be traveling this way at such and such date .. to go on vacation (not here . we'd be a pass thru point). She invited them to stay here, at my house.
Fine, under normal circumstances. I wouldn't of had much of a problem with that.
BUT ...
This was move weekend, when this was to transpire.
This was the weekend, she was to take possession of her condo and then move in. That entailed gathering her bedroom furniture which had been occupying an extra bedroom here. It entailed several trips to the storage unit where all her other things had been stored in the interim. And DH's involvement.
I was working at the time, and was unable to get the day off ...
She invited these family members to stay here on their pass thru the state and "visit" with all of us.
Uhm .. visit when? I'm working, DH is moving you .. visit with who?, you are setting up your household, .. everything you own in boxes . no beds up and installed, . invite them here?, there is nobody here to visit with.
DH was mad .. "why would she do that?, .. there won't even be anyone here to visit with them at all, you're working .. I'm moving her that day, I don't have time to visit with them, nor does she . why'd she do that".
I went right to her, .. (she and I unfortunately had a bit of a heated exchange over it) but told her that she would need to waylay them .. and have them pass on thru this area on to their destination. If they'd like to stop on their way back thru the state once their vacation is complete and she is moved in and/or I'm off work, that'd work better.
She wasn't happy with me, and called me "So controlling!". As I told her, "Mother, your stuff will all be in boxes, they won't even have a bar of soap to wash their hands with, or a glass to drink any water .. you won't have unpacked. So they come stay at my house where those accouterments are available, but there is no one there to even be welcoming to them, what were you thinking??!?!?!".
My point in this, .. DH ranting and raving at the lunacy that he'd go over there and clear the deck at her b'door every-other-day .. ranting and raving here. Did he pick up the phone and call his mother, OR his sister and report that to them???? That this is absolutely assinine. Nope.
The triangulation. Don't rant and rave and raise a ruckus about it with me, it's not my lunatic idea ... tell the parties that have come up with this harebrained idea.
They don't even know of the anger and animosity that it creates. It gets blown off as steam on this end .. and that's the end of it.
Um, no, it wasn't.
DH might have been upset, loud, even, but his anger was being directed at his mother and his sister, not at you.
Many of us people pleasers will do ANYTHING to keep the peace. I'm thinking that perhaps you've simply been managing MIL in order to keep DH from blowing at HER.....and at SIL.
Step back and let DH be angry at them. Things will get done.
No, she doesn't know what she needs to do. What she needs to do is to be more flexible. If she can't do that, then she's going to end up massively, terribly damaged.
Yes, she's stubborn. She is her own worst enemy. You can't fix that, and neither can SIL.
Just back away, Dorker. If husband doesn't care to get involved, neither should you.
Only funny because all who know me, know that outdoor work, not really my forte.
Taking a break from the tedium of the business book work today.
No, I think the point in that was along the lines of "can you delegate someone to see about ...". Everyone knows that I don't really do the outdoor work thing. I have .. and I will, but I'm definitely not the 1st one you'd approach to look after that sorta thing.
But therein lies the problem with above also. Venting away here. SIL knows that about me .. everyone knows that.
But as Stacey pointed out, first line of contact here, has been me. Shouldn't be, and won't be any longer, praise the heavens above. The light at the end of a tunnel isn't an oncoming train, not for me it isn't.
SIL knows that about me, everyone does.
So why contact me about it.
Because I've been the point person all along .. even tho I've tried vehemently to redirect that in more recent times. Telling her things like, "I don't know, ck with your brother".
She does so, brother doesn't respond.
Back in my ear she is again with it.
Me again: "Not sure why he didn't answer you, maybe just give him a call, not sure".
He doesn't answer (he's busy working remember .. and for so long, I ran interference on all that).
She then, back in my ear about it, but this time it's along the lines of "He must be busy I can't reach him, I left a message .. but in case you see him later can you ask him if he'd time to take care of that".
So as hard as I try to redirect not being that point person, right back in my lap it has landed, time and again.
So I put it in DH's ear, "hey your sister .. she is concerned, your mom is out there trying to clear the deck of debris constantly, she's worried that your mom is gonna fall, wants to know if you have time to go clear that every couple of days to keep her from doing it".
Then I get his wrath.
Him thundering, "WHAT THE H*LL?!??!?!? She needs to leave it alone, she doesn't need to be out there doing that, just don't look at it".
Me: "Yep .. I know I know, that's what SIL has told her time and again, but it seems like it really bothers her .. and she won't stop doing it, SIL afraid she's going to fall".
DH: "Well then by d*mn let her fall then .. that's just stupid, NO I don't have time for that chit .. NO . where's the yard guy , why isnt' he doing it?".
ME: "He only comes once every-other-week .. you know her deck and the tree coverage out there .. that isn't sufficient .. at least according to what your mother sees as problematic".
DH: "Well no .. tell sister she can march her happy behind down here and do it, no I don't have time for that chit . mother needs to ignore it .. no!".
All this goes on, I'm not even kidding .... wish I was.
So then I go back to SIL (I know, I know .. shouldn't of been the point person/go-between .. and I won't be anymore, HOORAY).
ME: "Ya know he really just thinks that is ridiculous that she needs to just ignore it, like I said, she doesn't even have good reason to even be going out there .. that if she feels like h*ll is gonna freeze over if she doesn't do it herself . then by d*mn go do it .. and fall .. no . he's not gonna do it".
SIL: I know I agree, it's ridiculous .. what are we going to do with her ..
ME: I don't know, maybe get the housekeeper that comes and the yard guy, get them on opposite schedules and have them do it, at least it gets done once weekly .. that's about the best I can offer.
SIL: Do you think any of your girls would have time to do it.
ME: I doubt it. YD (youngest daughter) already goes over there to wash the dog .. sometimes to go get groceries for her .. and MD (middle daughter) she is so heavily pregnant and in such bad shape .. she really isn't able, and she has the 4 yo she has to deal with and OD (oldest daughter), she works all the time, she works about 12 hours a day, I'm not even going to ask her ..
SIL: I wish she'd just leave it the alone, or just don't tell me, why does she tell me this chit that she knows will make me nuts ... I wish she just wouldn't even tell me, she tells me then I feel like I have to do something ....
ME: I know .. sorry .. wish I could help .. hope you work it out
This is absolutely the God's honest truth of what goes on.
And yes, I've been the point person all along all thru it. And see above, tried in recent times to redirect it. To no avail.
But I will be having discussion with SIL if it goes the way I think it will go, that she leaves MIL here .. and goes home to her home 1K miles away. I will let her know, as Stacey had said, that I"m no longer the point person. She can call her brother.
And I'll back that up, each time she texts from afar with yet another need, I'll just remind her I"m no longer the point person here, she can talk to her brother. And when she then lands in my ear again . "he isn't answering hasn't responded". I'll just remind her, again .. "just keep trying, that's all I can tell ya".
It's not fair that I end up with his wrath .. and I do .. for suggesting/requesting stupid chit with regard to his mother's well being .. let her deal with it, when it pi**ses him off. And rightfully so.
You are an excellent writer, explicit, to the point, Funny, and I'm sure that you converse as well as explain the situation with your MIL, equally as well to both hubs and SIL, it's just that they have come to rely on you to "get er done", all the while being spoon fed their Mother's take on the situation, and then they come up with their own "MIS"Understand of it all, and that's not your fault!
I do know how terribly hard it is to back away and let them handle, as the've done such a lousy job of it to date, but they WILL LEARN. It may take some horrible and unfortunate situation to occur with their Mom, but they will eventually "get it", you've just got to pray that any mistakes made along the way are Not So Terrible, that it compromises their Mother's health and well being significantly!
Oh gosh Sweetie, I feel for you, I really do, and I believe that you are doing the right thing here. It's like you are watching and waiting for one of them to make what You absolutely know is the Wrong move with here, and you want to put your hand right up in their face and say STOP! Stop and think what you are doing here, as it just does not make sense, and will only come back to bite you in the butt, or worse, make this situation even Worse than it already is!
So in that way, the Only thing is for you to back out some quickly as possible, as they do not listen to you, and let them "deal with it" first hand and correct their own mistakes along the way.
It sounds like your SIL obviously does Love and care, that she does help, and that's great and all, but she let's her Mom twitter in her ear enough that that she messes up everything that you try to fix along the way.
You must tell your SIL that you Love her, that you Love her Mom, but that you can No Longer be that 1st line/1st point person in charge of her, END OF, PERIOD. That you have Caregiver burnout (have her GOOGLE it), have Way to much going on to care for yourself and your Family (especially Dd and the Grandies), and that she must now be the one to take MIL completely off your hands, COMPLETELY, and either place her into a Loving facility, and deal with the disposition of her home and manage her bills and investments, OR, take her home to live with her, 1000 miles away. Explain to her how you are so incredibly Stressed out on the Daily, that you no longer get enjoyment from your life, and that it is compromising your own health, and that you are putting a stop to it here and now.
I know that you probably hate having to put your foot down. How you do not wish to offend or hurt anyone here, how you Love everyone involved, how you are worried how this "backing away" will look to MIL and SIL, as I'm sure hubby probably already see's your position. But she is Their Mother, and you have your own Mother and Father to worry about, and your hoping for a year or two before Their health care issues begin to interfere with your life, if they haven't already!
Oh Dear, you just keep coming back here, and vent away, until you get to that place of involvement you are comfortable with. It took me 3 years! But do know that we Already had my FIL in our home for many years, was different circumstances and that it was just hubby and me, No other help whatsoever. I know that it won't take You that loooong, as all the people involved Do love and care about her, you included!
Hang in there, chat soon!
Stacey B
Now, hubs and his sister will have to make choices. None of them are good at this point, but that's not YOUR fault. I found that bringing up problems made it convenient to somehow "blame me" for parents ageing and infirmity.
Glad you have time to spend with your daughters.
I will detach from all of this, .. but I suspect it's a process that doesn't happen overnight. I do want to get to the point where this is all some side issue that I just shrug my shoulders at .. as something else is mentioned and am so not engaged in that it's really a non-issue either way for me. I will get there.
On the driving issue, .. I so see the irony there on that one. Most recently, MIL has a brother in law who has decided to move several states away to live with his daughter (btw, he isn't as compromised as MIL is). He is the same age as she is. Many reasons that decision was made, many. But one of them, the brother in law .. it was time for him to renew his DL. He felt pretty certain that the DMV would not renew his license. He wasn't even really sure what would be required that he do so, but .. was almost certain he would not pass any test given to him (would he?, who knows). So he was making a decision to give up his automobile and no longer drive.
I had said months ago, to SIL .. that we need to be making a determination it it's safe for MIL to continue to drive, no one knows. We don't ride with her driving .. anytime she needs to go somewhere, it's one of us driving. I'd been on that line of thought for months and months .. and had said so. Fast forward several months later, and a decision is made by her brother in law that he is going to sell his car, . and move to live with his daughter, . and that was all talked about, that he wouldn't submit any longer for renewal of his DL. I then, again, brought it up .. as to MIL.
You would think that her offspring would consider, if not for HER safety .. at least for the safety of others that are out there driving the roads .. that maybe that's a good idea to take a look at her driving capabilities or lack thereof.
Did my pleas get any attention? Not one iota. Next thing I knew SIL was here in May and had an appt to take MIL in for renewal of her DL. I asked her if she'd taken MIL out and let MIL drive, so she could see if she does okay. The answer given: "She really doesn't even drive that much anymore .. maybe to the grocery .... but that's about it .. usually one of us takes her to the doctors".
I wanted to say: "Oh okay, because we all know accidents never happen just between here and the grocery store. Got it".
But I didn't argue. They are going to do what they wanna do.
The irony. That within weeks of SIL having left here .. to return to her home, an event with MIL's health, forces that issue.
Whether SIL will chalk it up to, as she's now been told .. by the PT folks .. "oh that confusion/disorientation, we see it all the time .. it happens with UTI's and elderly". Whether SIL will now chalk that up to the UTI and now it's been tx'd and all is well with the world and hand her mom the keys. Is out of my hands. The OT people and doc have advised she should no longer drive, until cleared by a doc, and participation in some kinda driving rehab program through their outpatient system. Whether SIL honors that or just chalks it up to the UTI .. and ignores it. Out of my hands. But resentment. Infuriating.
I think about most recently when SIL had left to return to her home, beginning of June. She'd been here about 3 weeks. I had, at that time, preached it from every rooftop I could find . that MIL needs more help, it's not safe that she continue living alone, she needs to return to where SIL lives with her, and/or we need more help. To no avail.
SIL hadn't been gone a week, when I got a text from her that her mother had been outside that morning (it's really really hard for her to get outside, .. her mobility an impediment) .. that her mother had gone outside that morning, to unlock the gate for the yard guy who would be coming later. SIGH. That too, .. don't listen to me, take my advice. The yard guy enters through a big privacy gate in the b'yard to run his riding mower around and mow the b'yard. She has a garage .. in that garage is a backdoor .. that backdoor leads to the b'yard that he needs to access. Let's just have her open the garage . he can call when he arrives, .. she can open the garage .. he can enter via the garage and open the b'door and then from there go open the gate himself, and he can lock that gate back when he leaves .. let's do that, rather than her continue putting herself at risk to go open/unlock that gate. Responses all along: "Oh she's so stubborn, she would never allow that .. you know how afraid she always is .. so paranoid, I guess she thinks the yard guy would somehow come into her house if he was given access to her garage (yes there is an entry door to the house) and she would never allow that". Uhm, . if the yard guy is that untrustworthy then why are we employing that particular yard guy and I clue ya this .. if he's that sinister . .. he doesn't need access via a door, those wall to ceiling windows that she has in her kitchen .. just a simple break there and he could be in her house .. that's really unfounded, but OOOOKAY whatever.
So back to the original point. SIL hadn't been gone a week, when I got a text from her, that her mother had gone out to unlock the gate for the yard guy who would be coming later in the day. And that she'd been unable to open the gate . it wouldn't open .. something was making it stick ..
SIL knew this only because she calls her mother from afar, usually 3 and 4 x's daily to ck on her. MIL mentions to her that the gate won't open, it's unlocked but it won't open. SIL now encouraging her mother to let the yard guy figure it out when he gets there. No, MIL was now going to go through her garage .. and around to the front of that specific gate, to see if she couldn't figure out what the problem was. SIL's words as she texts all this to me: "I'm begging her to not do that, please don't do that", .. why...???.....because that's a lot of walking for MIL who at that point, would only use a cane to walk .. and had been told repeatedly (but no one forced the issue ever) to use a walker. And that would mean her traversing through more uneven terrain in her yard .. as she travels around to the front of the yard to get to where that gate is. Her telling me that she was begging her mom to not do that, fear she'd fall out there.
SIL goes on to tell me, at that time, that what she did was quickly text the neighbor across the street with a "Hate to ask you guys this, and mother will kill me for doing it, but I hope one of you are at home, mother is trying to get around in her yard to figure out why her gate won't open and I'm terrified she's going to fall, can one of you please go and assist her".
The neighbors knowing MIL's absolute refusal of outside help, .. the guy did go over there to ck out the situation and right then and there, on the spot (fortunately he was home, he isn't always). And he ... (in an effort to not throw SIL under the bus with her mother) cloaked it all in, he was coming anyway at that moment to do some weeding for her .... (he does do that for her, just loves to garden) .. and he happened to see her out there .. (not true at all, but he knew he had to have a reason .. not one founded in an alert from her daughter) . and so he examined the fence, found the problem, corrected it. Problem solved.
But the irony there. I had just been preaching it .. as loud as I could.. that it's not safe for her to continue living alone anymore. Within a week of SIL having left here .. her mother putting herself in a dangerous situation (I agree wholeheartedly her mother was putting herself at risk doing what she was doing), .... but I wanted to say to SIL, .. "oh you had to call the neighbor to come rescue .. gee .. wonder why .. thought it was safe that she continue to live alone ... isn't that the decision you and your brother have deemed appropriate here .........".
The ironies. They are everywhere in it all.
Or another one, .. wherein the elderly lady at our church had asked if we have an OT on the scene evaluating and helping MIL with ADL's .. and my having questioned the elderly lady as to what they did for her, and her explaining same .. that they make sure you can adequately care for yourself, .. as to things like bathing, dressing, navigating your home .. fixing yourself something to eat, etc. I had suggested to SIL months ago that would be helpful perhaps in having an OT a part of the program here, .. that maybe she struggles with eating nutritiously because of impediments in her mobility .. maybe we need to get an OT involved here to see to what can be done to help that along .. as well as any other issues she's struggling with. Answer/response: "Oh you know how she is, you suggest that PT come and give her a refresher, she refuses .. now leave me alone, I will be alright here .. I don't want all that, don't you send someone here .. you know how she is, she wouldn't allow that.
Ironic .. here we are some weeks later, and the event that occurred, landing her in the hospital, .. it's recommended that OT be a part of the program going forward. Ironic .. indeed.
Oh the B/S that I will be able to release myself from ... it will be wonderful when I get there. Can't help but reflect on the B/S that has been part of the scene though, for so long. I think of MIL's b'yard. As I've said, MIL's days have been spent, in large part, sitting at what I refer to as her *perch* in her kitchen, kitchen table. Right there a window to the world outside .. her b'yard .. and that b'yard the bane of her existence that she can't get out there to all she wants done. One of those being her deck out back. She has a huge deck out from her house .. and she has a LOT LOT LOT of tree coverage in her b'yard, A LOT. The result of that is that anytime the wind blows .. or a rain comes through, that deck .. it gets sticks/leaves .. etc. Happens all the time. It doesn't take a storm for that to happen, just daily .. a breeze can do it .. and that happens frequently .. MIL her world, at her perch at her kitchen table. The deck out back and leaves/debris .. it's almost daily that the deck would have debris on it. SIL now phoning me, texting ... "can one of us go over there every couple of days and get the blower out and clear that deck .. it seems to be a big concern of her's and she tries to get out there with the broom or blower or something .. to get it cleared off, it bothers her to see all that ... I wish she'd leave it the h*ll alone, she's going to fall out there .. but she won't listen to me . and just leave it, I tell her to have the yard guy do it, but he only comes every-other-week, this is something that she deals with every day almost .. just seeing all the debris that gets piled up on that deck out back and it bothers her .. so she tries to go out there and alleviate it herself, she's going to fall, and she won't listen. Me responding to SIL's pleas on that topic: "She needs to get some real problems .. seriously.. a deck out back that has sticks/leaves on it, .. just don't go out there, there is no reason for her to even go out there .. at all .. she can open her b'door and let her dog in and out .. and just ignore it, til the yard guy comes. SIL: "I know that's what I keep telling her, but she doesn't seem to be able to ignore it, it bothers her .. and I'm so afraid she's going to fall. Me: "Well no, there isn't a one of us that has time to go over there every couple of days and blow that off, .. we don't have time for that .. she's going to have to ignore it,. .. or maybe you could talk to her housekeeper that also comes every-other-week and get them on a rotating schedule to where there is someone that comes once a week, .. be that the housekeeper or the yard guy, so at least it gets blown off at least once a week by one or the other".
JUST SO MUCH B/S that has gone on. And it will be nice, once I decompress and am no longer part of the madness.
Whatever. I will decompress from all of this, in time . and the only way that will be achieved is to back away from it all and not be mired in the day-to-day of it all, and that will most definitely occur. Rants/vents here, help .. and interaction from those who've also lived it, up close and personal.
The part that I'm struggling with at this point is the fact that my backing away in it all, .. (I've always been right in the middle of it all, all decisions/judgments, etc. .. I've been a part of .. as far as having some knowledge of what needs to occur .. not always that I've had it that they SEE what I"m talking about and adhere) .. but I've always been a part of what's going on .. and as such provide input (input that mostly gets ignored), .. Now .. it will be that I'm so far removed that I have no input at all, .. and that's as it should be .. it gets ignored anyway. But what that looks like is this: At some point it might be said, "oh mother is driving again .. yea, you know, that UTI that's what caused all that confusion .. but that's been corrected . .. yea .. we think she's fine". Me: "uh .. the docs wanted her cleared via a driving program and some rehab and some cognitive testing, .. was that seen to". Response: "No, .. we decided that it was all that UTI and that's been resolved". That is so typical of what will occur.
Detaching from that and not choking the living chit out of both he and his sister.
That is just one example of so many.
I have to, and I will, get to the point that the decisions like above, and so many more .. are just some annoyance like a gnat flying around, but nothing more and my life now doesn't have so much as a hiccup as a result of all the B/S that goes on. That's where I have to get, and I will work to do that.
But when my MIL got to that point, it was squarely up to her children to figure it out and they did.
That's where it stands now for your MIL. If your H & SIL don't see that their mom's safety is at risk and prefer to acquiesce to the decisions of a 87 y/o not in her right mind is really just plain denial (amongst other words but I am trying to be polite).
You have done your part over the years and it's going to be hard for them to accept it, but you are "out"- she is their responsibility.
You've made that clear. And don't feel guilty! It's their mother, not yours.
And you are absolutely right. Her kids were willing to let you take care of her and trusted your opinions regarding the MIL's care for years, but choose to ignore your pleas to them that something has changed here, MIL needs more help and supervision, and to start thinking of what's to happen going forward.
I would be resentful too.
Help your daughter - she needs it. Let the two adult children figure it out.
I'd guarantee the MIL driving days are over. That's huge. I hope SIL doesn't ignore that fact.
At least your SIL isn't bugging the crap out of you every day while she's here. Her schedule will be quite full for the next several weeks getting her mother to all those follow up appts. If this reality doesn't make her understand what you've been saying for the past several months, nothing will.
My husband too runs his own business and I know how you have tried to shield him from the day to day tedium of his mom's care and everything else because he is so busy and you know what? Too bad for him. It is their choice to own their businesses and I have sacrificed too much b/o that - no vacations, him being too exhausted to go out and socialize, the complaints about his customers, etc. And we as dutiful spouses shelter them from a lot of issues that are really theirs to deal with. Not anymore, for me, anyway. I just do things without him.
Point being this is not an easy journey but you are the caboose that delinked from that runaway train and those 3 decided to stay on.
MIL's state of health now requires more support than can be provided by concerned relatives who don't actually live with her full-time. So continuing to participate becomes counterproductive - it just masks the reality of her needs.
You don't have anything to apologise for and you don't have to have an excuse or even something more important to do. This is about what is best for MIL going forward; and that would not be ad hoc assistance from a caregiver whom MIL ignores when it suits her.
Detaching is the *right* thing to do. Feel better, hugs.
Just maybe finally more resolved to make a choice to either:
a) hop right on in and keep adding my two cents and be ignored
OR
b) hop right on out of this and leave it be and then when the contention starts, due to my absence in it all, deal with that.
Which choice to make. I think I'll take the latter of the two.
The very reason that I was so mired in it all knee deep was because it made the most sense through the years. Husband working, didn't have time for all the minutia (wish I'd of had a crystal ball, I'd of not done so - ever). He still doesn't have time for all the minutia of it. BUT .. things are a whole lot more tenuous than they were at one time.
I think of years and years ago, .. when she first had her stroke and the determination/tests that looked for where there was a problem (she has never had high BP and still doesn't, . absent the hospital visit the other night and xtreme edema). Has never had heart disease (other than A-Fib which was found many years later). They ultimately, through, numerous tests, found that she had a hole in her heart. Some kind of hole that we all have as newborns but it eventually closes. Her's never did. She then had to have some kind of procedure (I forget now what it was called) .. where they closed that hole in her heart, (to hopefully prevent more strokes). I was on the forefront of all that.
She was far more lucid in those days .. and cooperative and so forth. Makes perfect sense I'd of been the one on the forefront of it all.
I think of when she began to have, years ago, . what she called *fading away* sessions, .. sessions where she describes that she felt as though she was slipping away .. not going to be among the living any longer. That she'd have to make a conscious effort to loudly clear her throat, cough, .. anything .. to kinda bring herself back around. Of course, we go off to the cardio doc and begin that investigation. They wanted her to wear a halter monitor (among other tests done) .. and that had to be sent to her (I guess her insurance, not fitted at the doc office). So it was delivered, and me there, to fit her with it and call the 1-800# .. to the company that sent the halter monitor . and give them some code, and they then could read the results. This is where A-Fib was ultimately dx'd.
I think about back in those earlier years of when the stroke was the news .. many years ago, and visits to the neuro doc and nerve conduction studies done .. and me taking her .. and MRI and CT scans and so forth, me in the forefront .. years back.
Her hospitalization, some years later, having decided she no longer needed (on her own) the medication for the A-fib .. and ceased taking it, and began having some serious "fading away" sessions again, only to again be dx'd with A-fib.
Many moons ago, taking her for breast biopsy .. (fibrocystic breasts). Routine colonoscopies, dental stuff, you name it, all along the way.
Taking her many moons ago, for that cosmetic stuff where they fix those varicose veins .. taking her many years back .. and nursing her along, when she had a face-lift.
On the front when we investigated why all the stomach upset and a lower GI series workup and Diverticulitis found.
I've been on the forefront of all this for a very very long time. And at one time, it all made sense.
However, I have a keen sense/realization that elderly folks are notorious for not taking their meds in some cases and being their own worst enemy (most people do have a sense of that, excepting of course, DH and his sister). And so I begin to sound the alarms in every direction to her offspring, that is the case .. and it gets ignored. And ignored and ignored.
I guess, my involvement all these years . it's so much the standard operating procedure that trusty ole ME .. will be right there, no matter what, johnny-on-the-spot .. right on it. Why wouldn't that be the assumption, it's been the case for years and years.
My husband has always been ambivalent about it all. Able to focus his energies, without a hiccup anywhere in it all, in his life and his pursuits. Always trusty ole me, right at the forefront. I don't think he's even had to have as much as a hiccup in it all.
Even before MIL's issues, which began about 14 years ago, even before that her husband (now deceased) .. he had CHF from some pretty serious life long BP and heart issues .. and his thinking/articulating . all of it, kinda compromised .. and so anytime he'd go to the doctor, they'd request that I go along, as someone who is good at advocating, someone good at Q&A, someone good at making notes as to what is said and so forth. So even before I was on the scene with MIL and her issues .. years and years ago, they found in me, someone who could ride the forefront in all of this.
SIL .. 1K miles away at her home, her career .. etc.
And as I said, DH always just kinda ambivalent, not vested, involved, in any of it. Oh sure, I'd share with him what was found out. But I guess it's about like someone explaining string theory or whatever as to physics .. and you kinda tune them out. Not your circus not your monkeys. That should've been a big red flag, .. the day that I care more about your parents and their well being, is the day I need to step the H*LL away from all this.
His sister, another matter entirely. Micro-managing, always from afar, .. always always! "Maybe if you ask them _______________ but if ______________ then ___________, I don't know, did you ask them _____________, ask them about so and so medication and why did such and such", on and on and on it would go. Her very involved, *micro-managing* from afar .. as to her dad .. (now deceased) and her mom after that.
I do find it infuriating that, not that I've been so mired in it for so long .. at one time that made perfect sense. What i find infuriating is that they would place me at the head of all this .. and then refuse to listen to me when I begin sounding the alarm that things aren't as they should be. And that has very much been the case, and it infuriates me.
I can't say precisely when I began to see, .. maybe back when she was hospitalized (I was working at that point) for the A-Fib .. which would've been about 2015 .. and that angered me .. immensely. I'd been on the front to get that dx .. numerous tests, etc, years earlier. Only for her to decide to cease that medication and land in the hospital.
I recall getting called (I worked at a company at that point that was anything BUT ever understanding about being absent from work, ever .. and more to the point for an elderly in law). We got a call before daylight from her that she was having these fading away sessions (she'd been complaining about it and we had an appt with the cardio doc that we'd not yet gotten to, it never occurred to me that she'd quit her meds, didn't even ask that question, not at that point). Got a call from her before daylight that these fading away sessions . . she needs to go to the ER, could we come quick. DH and I both flew over there, and took her (this is before I got wiser to all this) .. and off we flew to the ER .. and got her seen, ultimately admitted. Her in a fix of a temper tantrum, not wanting to be inpatient .. and so forth, and me there on the scene .. trying to help navigate this whole big system as her advocate and so forth and SIL in the b'ground .. (she was on the other side of the world at this point, literally, visiting her son and family). MIL begging that I not leave her, same song and dance .. DH had to work, so I stayed with her. Called my work to explain .. and got some other supervisor (the company as a whole was not understanding, ever) and this other supervisor gave me the company line that she is required to quote to me, "Ok I have to let you know this absence may or may not be approved and you could be in jeopardy of loosing your job". A quote supervisors were required to give, all of the supervisors. That then had me a wreck, the very thought I'd loose my job . but also infuriated that here we are in this position and for nothing but pure neglect on MIL's part as to her own health and well being.
That probably should've been a big marker, to step off .. right there. But I didn't.
I recall at another point when she decided, as did her daughter .. that they weren't at all sure that she has A-fib . "who said she has A-fib . where'd that dx come from, .. why does she even have to take this med", on and on it went. Me hopping up and down that I was on the forefront of that dx years ago, .. and that she was even HOSPITALIZED because she'd failed to take it, .. I mean hopping mad. And telling both of them, she and her mother ... stop taking it if you want, your business ... but I'd d*amn sure talk to the cardio doc about the ramifications of that. I was there, when she did approach that topic .. and it was said to MIL .. that she is free to not take anything .. any of us are . but that at her age/history of strokes .. she is putting herself at higher risk for stroke in not doing so, and that at her age . her history . it won't be a TIA it will likely be catastrophic.
Oh okay now they were sold . oh okay.
I remember .. as I've described here .. that SIL was sure, absolutely certain .. her mother has gluten issues .. and we just have to dial in on all that and get to the bottom of it. Get that accomplished .. yes indeed some sensitivities to Gluten .. an info sheet dutifully provided by doctor .. as to what are gluten-free products and where to get them .. and off we go, MIL and myself to get gluten free groceries for her. Only to a week or so later when I'm there, she's eating stuff that isn't gluten-free and I question that and am told by her, "Oh I don't pay any attention to all that". Ok, thanks for wasting my time.
There have certainly been markers along the way that I should've stepped way way back from it ..
I guess that's where we are now. I had, I guess, foolishly, thought that my input and participation in it all counted for something. Pretty apparent it counts for something alright, as long as I'll keep stepping and fetching, but beyond that, no thanks .. keeps your info to yourself, don't want it.
Stepping away. Infuriating to find that the very person they'd put on the firing line in all of this for many many years . that very person, sounds the alarm that things aren't as they should be, and it gets ignored. Not only that, animosity .. at least from DH .. (not so much from SIL) ..... as I insist I'm out.
How dare either of them!
You made perfect sense when you pointed out all of the many reasons why their Mother's Healthcare and safety related life, and long term housing issues should be on them, as you have your hands full taking care of your own business, family, and most likely and ultimately your own parents, when they might need you for simular reasons in the future.
Imagine, and you may likely need to point this out to hubby and SIL at some point, that if they should attempt to continue dumping all of Their Mother's life and health care issues into your lap, only to have it overlap with a health scare about your own folks, or even worse, having to go right from one parental health issue to the next, to the next, to the next, over and over again.
It's possible, and it happened to me (thankfully I'm one of 6 kids, all on the same page and sharing of said responsibilities), but that would Never be fair, to have all of these responsibilities rest solely upon your shoulders, as it Will make You Sick, and you mustn't allow it to happen! Which is why you must remain steadfast in your resolve Right Now!
You are doing great, but no back steps for you! Don't even entertain the thought, remember that NO is a complete sentence! And honestly, would you expect your SIL to come take care of Your Parents, should/when the need arise?
I just wonder, when others on this blog have been faced with different or simular experiences, I have seen it be suggested that the Original Poster share the responses the've recieved, and actually read them out loud, and how they might perceive hearing other people's perspectives? You might keep that in mind, should you get backed into corner, or find yourself butting your head into the wall with them.
I do know that sharing many of the responses I've received on here, has helped me to get through to my husband, my frustrations, and opened his eyes that the situation with his Dad was only making us both ill, and that changes were nessesary in regards to the care of his Dad. It took a while, but it displays work, so Just a thought, and something to keep in your back pocket.
Stay Strong! Hold your Resolve! You Can Do This!
You sound SO MUCH BETTER than in your original post. Maybe it took all this drama & all the advice to get you to see clearly and have the courage to step away.
Not calling to check on MIL yesterday or today? HUGE!! SIL is here and let her deal. She seems to love it.
Good for you. I hope she can be placed in a nice NH and taken care of. I don't wish anyone ill, mean as they might be. But I hate to see giving people abused and taken advantage of.
Enjoy your grandbabies and your life. Be there for hubby but it's time he took the reins. Don't let him pass them off onto you again!
You can do this hard thing!
I remember my grandmother looking fondly on my aunt (golden child) after one Sunday lunch and saying to her "would you like to come and help me with the dishes?" To which my aunt replied "not particularly!" and stayed seated in her comfy chair. If my grandmother had asked my mother, or me, we'd have leaped to our feet on the instant. The lesson was not lost on me: you can get away with almost anything if you're light-hearted and good-tempered about it.
I should rest a little easier about SIL's visit this time. For one thing, matters have progressed and SIL will have her work cut out ignoring all the implications. For another, DH has already had a taste of what happens when you bow out, and his eyes are opening. So even if SIL does shove off home with MIL's care issues unresolved, who is she going to be micromanaging? Because it won't be you. If not this time then soon, brother and sister are going to have to put their heads together a bit harder.
That's what SIL is doing. She has appointments for neuro, cardio and PCP. Whether there is honest complete and thorough follow-thru (as to cognitive battery of tests) .. don't know. And whether SIL digests and is forthright about what is told to her, regarding MIL's prognosis .. again .. don't know.
Easier for her, also, to kick the can down the road .. and return to life as she knows it. Micromanaging from afar.
It's easier for dh to assume that a weeks worth of antibiotics will clear this up rather than looking hard at her general noncompliance with meds and directions and tests to rule out brain bleeds.
I know it's hard to sit on your hands and close your mouth. " That's interesting; that's nice, you don't say" are all tried send true neutral responses.
If he asks " what would YOU do?", you might consider typing up an outline of what a caring, competent adult child would be doing for a parent in her condition, i.e., getting the discharge orders to her PCP, scheduling and appointment with said doctor to get recommendations for followup testing, just for starts.
No, curiously (or not) DH doesn't ask about any long term prognosis in all of this, or what was said, or how can he get to a doc visit and find out more.
Easier to kick the can down the road and point in this direction as to dumping it in my lap. His sister much the same approach ..........although in a different way with her.
I am not even talking about it with him at this point. Won't bring it up (he certainly doesn't). And when/if that day comes, that SIL is heading home and no plans to take MIL I will then bring it up again in the context of "Don't be looking in my direction as to backup for your mother, I've been very clear about my stance".
He is over there visiting his mom and sister, as we speak. And I think if he comes in and wants to attribute .. yet again . the confusion/dillerium to a UTI that is now being tx'd with antibiotics and so she'll be fine .. I think I might have to choke him.
Don't know how I will keep my witts about me and say nothing at all. I truly don't.
I totally get the losing respect thing. Staying away sounds like it's for the best right now.
And no, it feels more like if I were there in that situation, I think I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut. I think I would have to make a scene as I watch SIL running circles around herself seeing to the mindless/nervous energy busy work she sees to there .. all while MIL sits in a stupor declaring her "I will manage, now I know what to do and I will manage" .. I think I would likely just scream out some really ugly things and make a scene. I'll just not go in that direction.
Dorker, those of us who are people pleasers , we have a tendency to say "yes" to anything that is asked of us. Thus, saying "no" can be excruciatingly hard and feel like we're not playing nicely.
Yes, you are burned out and resentful of being asked to be the stopgap that keeps DH and SIL from having to stand up to their mom and get her outside help. MIL'S tenuous independence has been balanced on your back. When you put down that load and refused to take it up, DH got a close up look at what his mom's needs were and MIL ended up in the hospital.
This isn't a matter of whether you or SIL should be the one taking care of MIL. This is about "she can no longer live alone in her own home". What are the possible solutions that SHE can afford?
Medicaid is clearly going to have to be involved. Alternative living situations
(income based AL, nh) need to be researched, either in your locale or SIL'S.
To start, there has to be a "needs assessment" which can be obtained by calling the local Area Agency on Aging. They can also advise on what assistance she qualifies for.
But first step, obviously, is for DH and SIL to get on the same page and have "the talk" with MIL.
I don't doubt you don't want to "visit". It must feel like " if I go, I'll get sucked in again".
Feel free to stay away until things have settled into a new normal...one that doesn't include you racing around being Ms. Fixit.
Believe it or not, my opinion wasn't asked, thus I've said not a word. Don't agree with it, but I wasn't asked.
Dd does, however, appreciate, enormously, the help I can provide. Bringing dinner to them the other night .. so appreciated. Staying and helping with babies . then the next day .. just all of it. She is so appreciative.
Doing better, somewhat, this evening. Did go to dinner with DH (didn't say not one word about the MIL/SIL circus). Finding that I feel a bit better this evening, more resolved that I don't have to be pushed around as to the care of their mother. Tenuous, my resolve. I do love these people and care about them, all of them. But they are infuriating me.
Indeed, 1 step forward, and about 4 steps backwards all the time. Frustrating doesn't even come close to the madness I feel about it all. Burned out, yes.
I like the responses here, . "I won't participate any longer in the 1 step forward and 2 steps back .. you guys figure it out, you and your sister", or the other great one, "been saying for months that she needs more help, sorry you didn't listen and see to it".
Thinking more about it all, the whole scene. If you could picture (first off she is not my mother, and as such, not my responsibility) .. but beyond that. Picture this, SIL is retired. Now nowhere is it written in stone, that because she is retired, that's what she has to do with her retirement years. But if she's not wiling to do so, then she needs to find a suitable setting and force her mother's hand .. not delegate it all in this direction from afar.
But get this .. she is retired. She has one grown daughter, lives where she does, same city. But that daughter never had any kids (has 3 dogs), doesn't want any kids, ever. I think the daughter is approaching 40 yo. She is divorced and has a b'friend who is somehow involved in the NBA . and travels all the time .. and so she too, with him, a lot .. so the daughter isn't even around all that much. When she is around, for the most part, she is very active socially with her network of friends.
Point there, she doesn't have a grown daughter, g'children there in the city beckoning for her.
SIL's son .. as already mentioned, he lives on the entire other side of the globe and rarely can get here to visit. He has 3 kids. But the fact that they live so far away .. it's not like she is missing time with her g'children/son . in service to her mother . be that here or at her home where she lives. Her son .. typically .. can only visit once a year for the most part. Sad for her, she wishes they lived closer, she loves her 3 g'children and would love to spend more time with them. BUT . the point being .. she also has no encumbrance there either.
Her husband's parents, long since deceased.
I on the other hand (not that I should have to explain or justify my decisions in any way) . have 3 daughters that live here. One still at home with me. She is grown .. and finding her way .. but she's still here. I have the middle daughter, who just gave birth to twins a month ago .. and already has a 4 yo. And an older daughter .. on her own and established (no kids there) and her life to live, comes around some .. and spends time with us, but mostly has her own life. I have my mother that lives here, .. I have my father that lives here. I have my responsibilities to our business that I see to, (my job, flexible though it is .. it's a job, at times, there are things that have to be attended to, that take my time).
And I have my church volunteer work that I do thoroughly enjoy.
I have many things pulling at me here locally, and this is not my mother we're doing this dance of 1 step forward, 4 steps backwards.
She has little to no encumbrances on her end.
So if ever there was an argument as to who should be caring for the aged old hag .. (that's about where I am at this point, I don't mean that .. but you get the drift) .. it's her, she's her mother.
I'm glad to hear that you mentioned having had little to no contact with FIL since being placed in AL.
I have had NO contact with MIL since she was brought home from the hospital and her daughter deposited there. And .. as bad as I hate to say it .. I don't have any desire to call and ck on the scene there. I don't like that feeling in me, .. it's uncomfortable. I am a generally kind/compassionate/caring person. For me to feel this way is foreign to me. I don't care to call there.
DH mentioned he may run by (he too hasn't been there since SIL arrived) .. mentioned he may run by there tomorrow to visit with them. He asked if I wanted to go and I made a face like something smelled bad and declined. He didn't say anymore.
I thought of to myself, "that wasn't very nice, you need to work on being nicer" .. but I just can't. I just can't care anymore. Not right now. I just don't. It's the only way .. maybe that's how people *detach* from a maddening situation they can't change. . they get to where they have to not care anymore, and that's where I am.
I was scrolling through pages and pages of texts from SIL earlier (because I knew somewhere in all of this I have told her my sentiments). I found it, whoa did I find it, she has been told so many times for months and months and months .. my sentiments.
Hasn't changed much though has it .. as to any approach.
Done. Working on my own tenuous/kinda fragile resolve to back the H*LL outta all this with a 10 foot pole and disengage completely. And as was advised, "Sorry you guys didn't hear me when I said this oh about a million times over the last several months, put on your big girl and big boy panties and figure out what to do next, peace-out".
I was Just Like You, Resentment is exactly to the point it took me (as so many on here know), to get my FIL to the place of AL, after having him living with us in our home for 13 years. It was that or my sanity and possibly my marriage, as hubby and I were doing nothing but arguing and miscommunicating, while my Narcissistic FIL enjoyed the benifits of being waited on, while pulling all of the puppet strings.
Like you, my husband, I, and our 4 kids had a great relationship with his parents, enjoying time with them every weekend, holidays and many a vacation, but it does finally come down to that we are ALL aging in place, right along side our elders, we Still have our now grown Children and Grandies to enjoy life with, and the total lack of privacy, respect, and sheer burnout in the care of Seniors who aren't compliant, is so exhausting as well as depressing!
I do not for one second regret moving my FIL into Assisted living (now 8 weeks), and I do have to say that I have barely gone to see him except for the initial move in planning and 2 initiation weeks, simply because I suffered burnout, and then went on to have what I believe was a personal physical body Stress reaction to it all, putting me into hospital, now recovered, so please, do this for Yourself! We never know when it's US NEXT, that requires our own Medical interventions!
PS, hubby is still going and doing for his Dad on the daily, but except for ppwk and a couple of Dr's appointments, I'm keeping my distance, at least for now. I still speak with him on the phone, and send my love, but for ME, it came down to a me or him sort of situation, not in any threatening way, but mainly my sanity and my marriage.
Good luck, I know that you can do this! You sound like you Do have it all figured out, but still are in the implementation stages. This was the hardest stage for me too! That FOG (fear/obligation/guilt) sure does gets the best of us! It Will Get Better! I Promise!
So sorry to read you were in tears again this morning.
Who has the discharge papers?SIL needs to read them and follow thru with the recommended tests and follow ups. She's got some catching up to do. But we've established SIL is not an idiot. If she decides she has it all figured out, it's out of your hands
What Stacey said. You are burnt out. You need out of this.
I hope you and H do go out to dinner.
I Will Not Participate, Until you both come up with Viable Options that Make Sense for the well being of Your Mother! I'M OUT, DEAL WITH IT! No longer will I participate in these 1 step forward, 2 steps back situations, over and over again, until one day she has the Catastrophic brain injury or systemic Cellulitis infection that either Takes her life, or renders her a vegetable.
It's time to act, I'm busy with my own child and her 3 babies, so get it together. I mean it!
I highly suggest that SIL takes her Mother home with her, NO QUESTIONS ASKED, and let her care for her there, as she does it so well. She will soon find out that it is not a tolerable solution in the long (or short) run! You are burned out, and need to refocus your energies in those sweet babies, and their Mommy! You will still be exhausted, but it will at least be rewarding and fun at times too!
It is time to back out of this impossible situation. It doesn't mean that you do not care, or can show "some" love and caring in other ways, as I'm certain your husband will need some behind the scenes assistance from you, ie: shopping, forms, laundry, whatever, but for your own sake, do it behind the scenes and stick to your guns! Best wishes!
And I say all the things in the most well meaning and the most respectful way to you Dorker, as I have been in your shoes with my FIL, and did the dance for too darn long! It is only in hindsight (he's finally in Assisted living), that I can suggest such ideas, but unfortunately, my husband does not have Anyone else who he can rely on as his siblings are completely absent, so it is just my hubby and I, but I do have the utmost respect for you and the unfortunate position you have been flung into!
You have been a GODSEND and an Angel to your hubby's family to date. Time to Back out respectively, and put down serious boundries.
Congratulations on the New Grandies, Hugs and Good Luck! Stacey
If DH should happen to blow at you, you say, quite calmly,
" I've been telling you and SIL that your mom couldn't manage alone for several months now, and that I would be otherwise engaged with DD and twins.
I'm really sorry that you all didn't choose to attend to what I was telling you.
This is no longer my problem. You and sil work it out. I'm QUITE busy, as I told you I would be."
You DO work!!! Good grief, taking care of kids is the MOST VALUABLE WORK IN THE WORLD!! And you're being a wife and mom first and MIL is waaaaaaaay down the line, esp considering your long background of beyond-frustrating care of her.
Time to QUIT saying you're the SOB. You're not. You have been there, for ages, doing all the crappy jobs and getting zero thanks--not that it's about the thanks, but suddenly hubby and SIL "get" how hard it is and neither one wants to REALLY step up.
Can you TRULY walk away? Like, not even be a part of the planning commission? Your hubby, simply through necessity of needing to work, will cave first and blow up at SIL. That may not be bad. At that bottoming out, they might actually come to terms. MIL cannot come home. You will not and CANNOT take her home. She needs to be placed in safe, caring environment, with or without said dog. It's a sad but true fact that MANY elders put off making decisions about their long term care until their kids FORCE them into it, and then there's hurt feelings and angry phone calls--and it doesn't end after they die. The guilt, anger and bad feelings can continue forever.
SIL and Hubby MUST agree on MIL's care. You need not be involved in the slightest. Listen to Hubby, but don't offer ANY help. If pressed, he will make quick decisions as he simply doesn't have time to dither. Sounds like SIL would happily micromanage a placement for MIL. Let her. And let HER begin to hound the facility's directors and aides, 'cause that's what she does.
You, Dorker, could use some good old talk therapy. With somebody who will help you find the voice you so eloquently use here. You are steaming mad and nobody blames you. But that anger, turned inward, will make you sick. Maybe someone affiliated with your church? It helps if the therapist has a good understanding of your faith and its role in your life.
I have one sister who has patiently listened to me complain about Mother (she's a pill, but your MIL makes her seem totally fine!). A month ago, sis listened, as she does and finally said "B, I GET what you are saying. But mother isn't changing, she resents you for trying to help and mange her life. She was a lousy mother and a lousier grandmother. I owe her nothing. I won't help, but I will throw money at any problem that can be solved that way. Please don't call me with the same old stories and complaints. When mother has died, call me. Otherwise, I won't talk to you." Wow.
Wish I could give you my sister's chutzpah. BUT , she was right. We have grown apart since mother got bad, the sibs never hang out, talk of mother is always like a dark cloud over every event.
Truly--walk away. Take care of those babies. You have a GREAT example of how NOT to be---the opposite of your MIL.
All the best--and be strong.