I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
"I was reading up on UTI's and so forth this morning, said cranberry juice is great to combat that .. but then I read, if you're on blood thinners, you shouldn't drink cranberry juice. Damn!".
I responded as follows: "Yep, gotta put on that dietician cap (she has complained in the past . managing dietary issues .. as to Diverticulitis and what she can and can't eat .. and managing also at the same time, her husband and his diabetes issues).
I followed that with: "have you spoken to her any about returning to your home?".
She answered that with: "She seems willing to try it".
I answered that, "that's great, always better if there's no argument".
She answered with: "yes . she does seem willing to go for a little bit, especially since you and H are so busy with helping with the newborns".
I answered that with: "yea, more than likely a little bit isn't going to be the solution, .. as you're aware the aged continue to decline in health and she has exhibited numerous signs she can't manage on her own, .. lack of hydration, .. lack of nutrition, med management, fall risk, no follow through with doctor instruction, .. its' not going to get better, it's going to get worse".
Exactly. This is going to be considered the solution by SIL and H.
And like BarbBrooklyn, I also understand BIL cutting contact with his mother. Curious...did she humiliate her other two children like that?
Her property tax bill comes once annually and she pays it.
The vein thing .. that it has been said, .. would help to reduce the edema in her lower extremeties, thus the decision made to proceed. Hasn't yet been seen to do so, but they are not through with the course of tx there.
I argued that the above would be only cosmetic .. that her edema is more related to CHF . and that .. cannot be cured. SIL's argument to that, "We have ck'd with the PCP and the cardio docs, and all feel it's safe to do, and the vein doc thinks that will improve the sitution and it was suggested in the first place .. by the ortho doc .. so the PCP and the cardio docs are all okay with it".
Oookay. Do what you will.
Interesting the other day as the home health nurse was there (I was on site for that, but soon learned doing so, was only an exercise in frustration and my dd needs me, so I exited the whole scene .. and have not been back) .. but as the home health nurse sat and took health history info and current meds, tx's etc. That got mentioned the vein thing. She said, with a smirk of sorts (home health nurse did) .. it was mentioned in the context of what SIL hoped to achieve there, reduction of edema. Home health nurse with kind of a smirk said "Yea .. I kinda don't hold a lot of confidence in all that, all that is, it's a money making venture for the vein doc .. all those are, are superficial veins. not gonna help". I chimed in, .. "that's what my thoughts were". SIL overtalking me, "REALLY??? The cardio doc, the ortho doc, the PCP .. all said it would be a good thing to do, you don't agree?". The home health nurse (she's busy inputting stuff into her notebook) and she only gave that a further glance and just said, "I haven't seen that it's real helpful no". I said again, "yea I didn't think that sounded like a viable solution". With that the conversation went elsewhere.
Yes she had Medicare, and I think it's a supplement "F", .. not sure ... it's like the best supplement one can have, whatever it is.
I am wondering if she has a Medicare supplement?
So she will have to sell her home, pay what she owes to the RV, and downsize to AL or if not it would be a nursing home. Is SIL good with finances?
I have to say, I completely understand BIL walking away. This is (imo) beyond " a big mouth". This is pretty much " no filter" and so terribly narcissistic...no thought to other persons pov or feelings.
The Volvo and the face lift make me wonder about MIL'S financial planning abilities when she was younger, how much more to be concerned now that there is cognitive decline. Fancy dog food, dog groomer. All show. No substance. No planning ability, even when younger.
Who does her taxes? Who makes sure property tax and insurance is paid? Hmmmm. Lots for SIL and DH to discuss, isn't there?
The decision was made at that point to "retire" (though they were in no financial position really to do so), .. but that's all he ever knew, liquor wholesale biz .. and getting hired on at another liquor wholesale biz .. not likely .. as there was only one other one in town. So what he did at that point was retire, and be became the "fetchit" guy for DH and his biz. Not anything we really needed .. but they needed the few extra dollars thrown their way .. and so we did that.
MIL still working at that time, in management in real estate. I guess, her income, the breadwinner of the family.
When he reached "SS" age, he then took his SS income, .. and about that time, MIL decided she'd had it with "management" and that rat race, and walked away from that line of work. She then got a little p/t job at a daycare, ... (she has always been good with kids, should've been a preschool teacher, enjoyed children all of her life). A little p/t afternoon job at a daycare, helping with homework.
That only (as you can imagine) brought in just a stipend of sorts, as to income .. but at least her husband was now receiving SS income, such that it is. In addition to whatever little stipend we threw his way for being the "fetchit" guy (not anything we really needed .. and still don't, for the most part).
They soon .. I guess .. learned that making that mortgage payment ... (still didn't own the home free and clear) and none of us in a position to take over the mortgage payment .. we all own our own homes, so it was thought, "none of us are waiting in the wings .. to get their house when they die". I guess at that point, a reverse mortgage was looked into, at least they'd no longer have to meet that monthly mortgage note. FIL was alive at that point.
No, MIL got her facelift, when she was working the p/t job at the daycare. She actually got an interest free cc .. and paid for it via that cc.
Strange .. as you reflect back on the things that have gone on. The one son who is estranged from the family ...
I remember so well back in those days ...
At one point, when she was in real estate .. and still showing homes, .. before she went into management .. she'd gone to buy a brand new volvo .... and the estranged brother (who was not estranged at that point) .. thought that was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard of. Way beyond their means .. and a stupid financial decision, and I remember him saying at the time, "Well they'll have a nice volvo to wait in line at the food/soup kitchen".
And then further, .. when she got a facelift .. his sentiments . much the same, even if it is an interest free cc.
That brother is estranged from the family entirely and has 0 input (nor does he want any input/interaction) with MIL or anyone else. Not because of the above ... more because .. the best way I can term it, that brother .. he is a hilarious individual, so comical .. so so comical. He is a blast to be around (haven't been around him for a number of years unfortunately as a result of the decision he made). But he is an absolute hoot to be around. Seriously. But in that characteristic he is .. probably like most people who are comedians for a profession even ... the "real" who they are .. you never know .. because they are so busy being funny, that you can never get below the surface to know "who is under there, who are you really, what do you think, what are your thoughts ..", you never know.
A lot of things precipitated his departure. I think of some of the things he had problems with. BIL married a gal that was a go-getter (they are divorced now and have been for years). But she was a corporate lawyer for a major national bank chain (still is) and she was the breadwinner of their family, him a SAHD to raise their kids. He never finished college (just wasn't real motivated to do so). His wife (now ex wife) .. was also, she was very on the ball as to smarts and so forth, but about as personable as a brick. She was just a very stoic .. and hard nosed person .. not personable at all.
I know at one point, one of the problems BIL had with his mother. They all grew up in a neighborhood with loads of kids. There had been a death of some sort .. I don't know, some parent that had also been part of this great neighborhood. So all converged for this funeral .. including BIL. At the reception afterwards, .. standing talking (BIL's wife not here, she rarely in fact came around) .. BIL had come here to town .. and after that funeral, of course, there was a reception .. and it was a gathering if you will, of all that grew up together and so forth, folks that hadn't seen each other in years. I guess, one of the group of gals .. (these kids had scads of neighborhood kids they were friends with) .. I guess at one time, when they were all kids/teens .. one of the girls really really liked this BIL .. as teens .. but BIL .. I guess not interested.
So picture this scene. All of them all standing around talking (this girl part of that little gathering) .. and reminiscing, all of them. And MIL blurts out, "now see __________(referring to her son that is now estranged) .. you could've had so and so, she was always so sweet on you, and look what you're married to now".
That infuriated him .. (humiliated). He didn't say so, to her .. said it outside of her presence, to others. He was really really upset by that, and thought that was out of line on her part. That just one scenario.
Then another time, we'd all been on vacation together at a condo that we all rented, on the ocean. Spent two weeks there ... and BIL had come down to join in the fun (alone .. he never seemed to bring his kids or wife). SIL's daughter, who is now approaching 40 yo .. was a teen at that time. It was found that she'd been sneaking out of the condo in the middle of the night to go meet with boys she'd met there (this on the sly) ... and MIL not aware that had been going on, .. and no one brought MIL on that page, (I guess because MIL can be mouthy and the thought being .. she isn't the parent, let the parent deal with it, outside of MIL's input).
This was found out, .. and now teen daughter of SIL was in hot water with her mother. As teens will do, brooding and so forth .. BIL would go for walks with her on the beach .. I guess .. just letting her vent, maybe trying to redirect the acrimony with some comedy, I don't know really.
But MIL soon sensing there were problems afoot .. (her unaware of what those problems might be precisely) ... she began voicing that she could sense something was wrong. SIL didn't want MIL to know what was at the root of all this, again .. likely because her thoughts were "I'm the parent here, I'll deal with it, I don't need her inciting more problems" (and she'd of been right in that assessment, MIL didn't need to be in it). But BIL going for walks with this brooding teen.
MIL now trying to guess .. where in the world is the problem .. what's going on.
MIL actually said the words (and it got back to BIL she'd said this), her words, "What is going on, __________________(referring to BIL) .. I just don't know about him sometimes ... why is he going for walks on the beach with her, you don't think he might be being inappropriate with her do you, .. surely he wouldn't be touching her inappropriately".
BIL got wind that was said of him. That too .. he was beyond incensed. BIL strange .. and eccentric individual .. but a child molester. ABSOLUTELY NOT. A long way from someone who, .. yea we don't even know who he really is underneath all that hilarity .. and he is a bit of an eccentric, sure is .. but a long way from that as what you'd describe him to be . to a CHILD MOLESTER.
Just so many scenarios where MIL's big mouth .. saying too much ... got her in the position she is in. A son who is estranged.
My thoughts: I think that we all have to realize that mothers sometimes say things and voice opinions that weren't solicited ... and so .. whatever .. she's out to lunch .. so what, she's your mother ..
Estrange/divorce yourself entirely from the family?!??!!? REALLY?!??! I think that's a bit drastic ..
That's my opinion .. and we all know what they say about "opinions".
Just a lot of scenarios that brought all this on. But yes, .. him on the scene watching some of this through the years .. and financial situations .. and decisions made, that he didn't agree with (I think at the time we were all contributing financially to pay for FIL's life insurance he couldn't any longer afford to pay .. we were contributing towards the lawncare expense that he could no longer manage) .. and so you watch her go out and put a face lift onto a no interest cc and yea .. you do kinda scratch your head.
I'd explain to DD that allowing you to sleep on the couch and take over childcare in her home for a Week or so would be doing YOU a huge favor. You'd be able to turn off your cell and be absent from the MIL drama.
Did you say MIL had a FACELIFT? Was that reverse mortgage money that paid for that?
Your SIL & H are afraid to start the conversation about what happens next. What a shame as first and foremost your MIL needs a safe environment. She is not safe living alone. As said before, allowing that woman to drive is absolutely bonkers.
Her kids are avoiding the inevitable. If something isn't done there will be a catastrophe.
Get your H to start the conversation with his S soon. The fact that he is busy at work doesn't give him license to ignore this, especially since his sister is here. If someone has to be the bad guy, it's one of her kids, may as well be him. This is his responsibility. I bet he is hands off now that SIL is here - both of them, total denial.
I would literally start bugging the heck out of my husband every single day to do his part and focus all his free time figuring out a plan with his family on what to do with MIL. Someone has got to deal with reality here. Every time your SIL texts you ask if she has discussed going to live with her yet, and beat that drum every day, every correspondence. This is exasperating now, and they are acting like children.
Your daughter needs you now. And her husband needs to step up especially since she just had a meltdown.
I see a lot of dysfunction & chaos in your family. Situations like this can make or break a family. Let's see what they choose. Communication is the key but it seems no one is listening to anyone and no one is talking!
Don't allow your husband to delay the inevitable as far as the sit down.
Yellow bedroom coming up.
Be strong Dorker. This is really hard.
The reason for my advice about the hospital, they need to see MIL in full action, without your help. They will be fined by Medicare for repeat hospitalizations. Discharge will assist with placement.
As you say, you have no authority in thissituation, no say so. So no reason for you to show up.
Please remember that doc in hospital would NOT have signed for her release if you hadn't said " her daughter will be coming later to stay with her".
It sounds like MIL has handpicked docs who don't go against what she wants.
Those were my words.
As far as I'm concerned, if she is hospitalized again, my approach is going to be, "she can manage, remember". SIL with her, "Well I just wonder if they are going to look into _______________________, and did they test for ________________________ and do they know ______________", and on and on it will go. That's how it always is, coupled with a "Do you have any time to go there, maybe catch the docs as they come and go, .. and get some answers, or provide some feedback on it all". That's how it always goes.
The answer going forward will be, "She can manage, right?".
As far as I'm concerned, SIL can call the nurse station or whatever it is she needs to do, I won't be sitting vigil at the hospital to see to the various questions. She's fine, she can manage.
As things stand presently, I get these daily texts from SIL, encompassing about 14 pages, and it's all about whatever specialist they met with that day and the findings, including the fact that specialist also, as have all the other specialists, agree the UTI the source of the confusion/disorientation.
Yesterday's 14 page update, was from the visit to the PCP. PCP also "sure the UTI, the source of confusion and disorientation".
This is what goes on daily, at the end of the day. You would think that I had asked her, "now be sure and let me know what's going on, as you meet with all the different specialists".
I haven't, didn't. In truth, I don't care.
I know what I know, and that is .. the UTI may indeed have been problematic .. in some confusion/disorientation ... not an argument there, pretty common in the elderly, I don't dispute that at all. But that doesn't AT ALL explain all the other events where things aren't as they should be, as to her lack of ability to function/manage.
I did, oh a couple of days ago, when I blew up at her, . I asked her to explain that, and she said, "Oh I think they are all attributing that to the fact that she's old, and it's just really hard to manage".
WELL OKAY THEN.
So DO YOU RECOGNIZE and acknowledge THAT FACT?
It's just maddening, all of it. Her line of .. the whole ... "I don't know why they even administer these cognitive screens in a hospital setting .. that's just far too stressful and environment, they don't feel good, they are uncomfortable, they are stressed", and then go on to say that this specialist confirms that thinking, and that specialist confirms that thinking, etc etc.
Whatever.
Shouldn't this be about what is best for their mother? Isn't that the bottom line in all of this?
Take out the fact that I am sick to death of jumping to the beat of that drum .. remove that, .. let's assume there was another wife here for DH .. and she maybe were inclined to do so .. and jump through all the proverbial hoops . as I've done.
Would it still be suitable that MIL be left with her, "Now I will manage, I can manage, I know what I need to do and I will do it".
WHEN, IN FACT SHE DOES NOT.
Yesterday's 14 page text from SIl with regard to the whole PCP visit .. and the findings there (they've ordered a blood lab workup, didn't say what for *don't care*, they've ordered an ultra sound of a little bump found on her thyroid ... all think that is pretty common and usually not a big problem, PCP doesn't think any cognitive testing should be necessary, and UTI source of confusion/disorientation". On and on it went.
I simply answered it with: "Sounds like things are running smooth as glass with you at the helm there".
It's enough to make me scream. I didn't ask for these daily updates, and they only serve to infuriate me when she continues on this path of .. pretty much .. what I read into it .. "all is well with the world", and further, what I read into it, ... "I will be hopping on that plane once we get this course of a few OT visits and some PT .. and I'll be leaving mother with her, "I will manage.....", mantra ........ and I'll be blowing up your phone from afar daily, as to the need on this end.
That's what I read into it all, and I don't think I'm wrong.
Not lost on me, that I insisted, and still do, that there be a face-to-face sit down between she and I, and H (though I do question the wisdom of my thought process on that, at this point .. it will be .. or could be .. the both of them against me ... and my sentiments on it).
I mentioned that to her, 3 x's, that I want that we sit down and discuss some things.
As of yet, it hasn't been mentioned again. Not like she has said, "We sure have a lot on our plates here, with all these doc visits .. let me get past that, and we'll figure out what we can do to sit down and talk".
OR
"Yes, I think we probably should, I appreciate all that you've done through the years ... and we need to sit down and figure out what we're going to do going forward".
Nope. None of that, it hasn't been brought up again.
I did mention it to DH (but men .. they are so NUTS and BOLTS .. just the facts mam), much more than that, and you are "nagging" and they don't want to hear it. I try not to harangue on this topic and beat it like a dead horse. That will only serve to shut him down (if he hasn't already been, for years .. on this topic).
In the meantime, my daughter is falling apart.
The first couple of days of this week, I had to do some bookwork for our biz .. that literally had me tied up .. and I wasn't available to that scene. It happens from time to time, not often, but it is something I have to do periodically. Then on Wednesday I'd gone to the church to do some things, and run a couple of errands, and then gone to dd and the babies. Dd went right to bed, as soon as I got there (she isn't sleeping at night ... the babies tag teaming thru the night, being wake, it seems). She can't sleep during the day, she has a 4 yo under foot.
I try to take the 4 yo, when I can .. at least dd could lay down and sleep when the babies do, in the day hours (they never sleep more than about a 2 hour stretch it seems, and at night, .. it's mostly .. not at all, .. one may fall asleep for an hour or so, but the other awake .. and vice versa). I try to take the 4 yo when I can, (the other g'parents less so, they both work), .. but .. that is a fine balance to walk also. The 4 yo begins to miss home, and her family and kinda in her own way expresses that she wants to go back home, to be with her family .. you kinda get the feeling she feels like an outcast . having been carted outta there.
I got there Wednesday and dd slept all afternoon. I left when her husband came in.
Why isn't her husband getting up to assist her at night. I have my opinions on that topic, but I stay out of it. He (works for my husband) and both of them are beyond exhausted, they do some pretty grueling work, out in this summer heat. They are both so exhausted right now. BUT .. my opinion, .. you're 29 years old dude, suck it up buttercup, you've got not 1 but 2 babies here crying in the middle of the night, all night, in some cases .. one or the other, your wife (my dd) is not sleeping adequately, get your a** outta bed and help.
Dd feels the same, .. but thus far hasn't been able to get him to do so, at least right now while the jobs they are on are so grueling .. (he does do so on weekends, helps her, not that he takes it over for her).
But that's the last thing they need, is a *mother-in-law* (me) all up in their business and telling them what they need to do. I stay out of it, and don't give an opinion. I haven't even been asked. Dd rants/vents .. to me, but again, I say very little, other than what I can offer to help.
Spent half a day there on Wednesday.
On Thursday I got there in the morning, and stayed all day, dd slept mostly. Dd seems to be very much so operating just on auto-pilot ..
On Friday morning, we get a call from her husband (not unusual, he works for my husband, and the two of them, all of their married lives, separate or together, are always on the scene here .. socially and/or for him to go to work). He called, DH .. (paraphrasing) "can one of you come now ??!?!?! She's loosing her mind here, she's crying and yelling at g'daughter .. and she won't/can't stop crying, I don't know what to do with her, I need to leave so I can come to work .. but I can't, .. it's like she can't even function, I don't know what's wrong with her". (referring to dd).
I got there, (they live about 10 mins away). Found much the same that was described above, her in tears .. unable to even really function, sobbing. She had already (she does still have some sense thankfully) put in a call to her doctor, that she needs medication (doc did call back and rx an antidepressant, which as we all know, will take a little while to get to its efficacy).
I took the one baby that was awake and being problematic (the other baby was asleep at that moment), took the one baby .. and sent dd to bed. The 4 yo there and under foot. They had already called one of the other g'parents to see if they could somehow take the afternoon off, to come get the 4 yo, and that was in the offing.
The other g'parent came to retrieve the 4 yo about noon or so .. and took her away. I cared for the babies all day and did some laundry for her, and fixed dinner, and cleaned, etc. She slept, .. off and on, .. she'd get up some .. but go back to bed, .. all day into the evening.
She is falling apart. Lack of sleep, post partum depression .. all of it. It's really sad.
And no, I can't just pack a bag to go there and stay with them .. they don't have the room, it's a tiny little house they live in.
That and I get the sense with them, .. her husband mostly .. that he would like his little family to himself, . and no outsiders (likely because he doesn't want unsolicited opinions as to how he could step up more and help).
So I back out, when he's on the scene and not working, and hang that on the hook of "that's something they'll have to figure a way to, and I'll back out of the way".
Not sure that's the right approach . but it's the only one that seems viable at the moment, maybe that will have to change .. but it would have to be my daughter requesting that I pack a bag, and sleep on the sofa (which is all they have if I did so) to help her through the nights over there. Thus far, she hasn't requested that, and when I've suggested it, it's been met with "No Mom, .. thank you, but that's going way above and beyond, I would never ask you to do that .. no".
But things on that front, falling apart at the seams.
Today the other g'parents are taking all 3, and dd can sleep all day if she wants, or whatever she wants to do.
Isn't some of this what I foresaw in the months leading to the delivery of the twins, that I wouldn't be able to be on the MIL front .. I'd be in service to dd and that setting .. and I said so, repeatedly. It's turning out to be just like I said it would be, in fact, a little worse than even I thought it would be.
And on the MIL front, no one, not DH . not his sister, .. neither one, are taking the bull by the horns to take some initiative to "ok, let's get our heads together and figure out each other's schedules/agenda .. and when it's best we can all sit down and have some discussion about things going forward". Haven't heard a word on that front, not from SIL not from DH. Both know that is my demand .. neither have addressed it.
SIL continues with her daily updates/reports .. and nothing of the "Oh hey, I know you said you wanted that we sit down and talk, let's look at Sunday .. what are you guys doing Sunday afternoon", .. none of that.
And just a reminder, when SIL leaves and MIL calls with an episode, call 911. Don't show up.
"WELL MEET HER AT THE ER".
And take your time getting there. Let hospital personnel get the full picture.
Yes, there should be cognitive testing, based on mom's inability to manage her meds and food prep. Who manages her money? Are bills getting paid?
Dorker, you are not going to be the SOB (your word) who refused, that's your MIL. If your SIL and DH (Dear Husband) can't see that, too bad. They will get over it. It's your MIL's fault that she and everyone else is in this place - she's trained you all to be at her beck and call.
No, no, no, no. No reasons. You've spoken your peace. I really think it would help you to find a talk therapist to talk to about strategies of how to speak so you are heard. Insurance has a mental health portion - anything that causes stress is considered a mental health issue called "anxiety." I found that talking to a professional therapist was wonderful - first, she gave me someone to dump all my frustrations on and she still liked me, and second, she gave me ways to respond to the garbage that was dumped on me. It also took me away from my responsibilities for an hour, which was very nice.
I think your anger is appropriate and empowering. Don't be afraid to use it.
A
It seems less likely now that anything will really be done about MIL. SIL will not see the need to force (which she never could have really done anyway) MIL to move in with her.
But what about your H? Will he fall in line with the "It was all because of the UTI!" line of reasoning? Or will he insist (with you) that MIL have a lot of help in-home or, better yet, be in a facility?
The path of least resistance is going to be to accept the status quo. Now if you refuse to be a part of the rescue squad (your part in all of this for years), then what happens? We've seen that H gets mad at you. Will he do that again? From that instance, it seems that he thinks that you SHOULD help with MIL.
And then there is the Yellow Room. I still think he's going to force the issue about that.
I worry for your marriage, Dorker.
I hope you and H and SIL have time for the sit-down meeting to discuss MIL this weekend!
I am reading all of this post and I'm thinking this same list of things should be written down for when YOU and DH and SIL have your "sit down". You put down all of these daily living skills that are important. If the OT people coming in are any good at all, they will want to see MIL in action in her own house. I hope for your sake this all takes a long time. I also know you are very upset. I can hear it in your posts. I am wondering does SIL really have any idea how peeved you are? I'm sorry you are going through this.
What is Plan B? There isn't one, that I'm aware of. And yes, all are correct who've mentioned MIL's refusal to leave her home, .. you'd do better to sandpaper a lion's tail than to convince her she is going to go to sister's home or anywhere else.
There will be a fight like none other, and the drama.. oh the drama that will ensue, . and path of least resistance .. will be approached (right here in my lap).
It will be said, "well all who've been consulted agree, it was the UTI that was the problem . and that's so very common that elderly get confused/disoriented, but that's been treated ......",
The above is what will be said, in an effort to turn off the drama coming from the MIL corner and take the path of least resistance, and allow her to stay in her home, with me, stepping and fetching all along the way ....
All the while hollering "but it's NOT JUST THE UTI .. .. You are absolutely stuck on stupid, . I never said that alone/solely was the issue .. there are NUMEROUS other issues that are not explained and looked into .. and in the end, it doesn't matter what is at the root of the other issues .. whether it's the color of peas and carrots is immaterial .. whether it's the fact that MIL is being wantonly defiant as to follow through, whether it's the UTI (that has now been cleared .. I will be so succinctly reminded), whether it's cognitive issues ..
IN THE END,
The result is the same.
I don't care what's at the root of it.
in the end, the result .. is that MIL is not compliant with medication, not compliant with dietary issues, hydration, follow through with instructions, she is an EXTREME fall risk, she absolutely FORBIDS any 3rd party involvement to pitch in here .. and you guys allow that as status quo ..
THOSE have been the issues completely and utterly outside of any UTI event .. and that is NOT NEW.
I have said it for months, .. and to no avail. I keep repeating the same broken record ....
You SIL waltz in here every few months, work like a slave .. for 3 weeks ,doing everything but breathing for your mother ... and I HAVE ASKED YOU COUNTLESS TIMES .. stop it.. when you aren't here ... who do you think:
Lets the dog in and out
Feeds the dog
Gets water for the dog
Washes the dog
Takes the dog to the groomer
Takes the dog to the vet
Gets MIL a glass of water
Makes sure her pills are taken
Makes sure she eats adequately
Makes sure she stays hydrated as she should
Washes her dishes
Does her laundry
Folds the laundry
Goes to get groceries, rx's, hardware store, etc etc etc
I have asked you SIL countless times to stop it, let her do what it is she has to do when YOU ARE NOT HERE .. YOU ARE NOT GETTING AN ACCURATE PORTRAYAL OF HOW COMPROMISED SHE IS.
I get back, when I've asked above, the countless times I've asked, .. "that's why I'm here, to help her".
Well sometimes the best help you an give someone is to let them do it themselves.
But no .. easier to hop in here every few months, work like a dog, .. sure MIL stays well ..
She is being cooked for
She is being handed her pills, with repeated reminders to take them
She's being reminded that she has to drink fluids
She's being reminded as to what to eat and not to eat, (Diverticulitis)
Her dishes are washed for her, and put away
Her laundry is washed for her and folded and put away
Her groceries are retrieved for her and brought in and put away
Her dog is let in and out
Her dog is fed not by her
Her dog is given his pills not by her
Her dog is given fresh water, not by her
Her dog is carted off to the vet, groomer or washed, not by her
SO much ..
SO MUCH that gets done .. for her .. and SIL waltzes away .. "everything is fine", only to then blow my phone the H*LL up several times a day within days of having left here.
Case in point earlier, poor judgement on MIL's part . to be traversing the yard outside, .. and then telling SIL she's doing so .. within days of SIL's last visit here .. and SIL now up into the stratosphere with worry her mother will fall, and alerting the neighbor, please please come quick, she's going to fall out there. Poor judgement on MIL's part to even be doing that, and even poorer judgement to TELL YOU she was doing so.
I am so disgusted, just absolutely utterly disgusted and as I said just disheartened.
It just seems like there is no way out of this whole nightmare, .. unless it's that I want to be the SOB .. that when SIL is calling from afar .. "mother doesn't feel well I think someone needs to go ck on her".
SCREW YOU SIL .. she's fine remember, the docs all said so.
And that's when the big fall occurs .. on my watch .. the fall that sends her directly to the nursing home .. debilitated, or the catastrophic stroke .. or whatever it is.
SIL REFUSES to see this bigger picture for what it is. ABSOLUTELY REFUSES ..
And as one of the other posters added in this whole thing, what's Plan B, when MIL refuses to go?
THERE ISN'T A PLAN B
It will dial right back in my direction, path of least resistance, unless I want to be the SOB that refuses and that may very well be the time that there is a crucial turn in all of it, that I then have to feel a responsibility as to the major calamity that has now occurred .. and it's on me, because I was the SOB that refused.
Got a text from SIL this afternoon (I guess my daily update) .. reads as follows, I will copy it verbatim .. and I want to see if anyone else here .. that has commiserated in all of this, sees what I do: Her words as follows:
OT person seems real good, spent an hour here today getting all the b'ground info and medical history. Poor MIL she has told this story so many times now. OT person had some good ideas as to compression stockings".
(Have I not said this countless times, that cardio as well as PCP have cautioned MIL that if she cannot tolerate the results of taking a diuretic .. then she needs to be wearing compression stockings, isn't that one of the things I have complained about, no follow through, that I've heard this countless times from med professionals and no follow through on it, on MIL's behalf).
Anyway, she goes on to say:
"...compression stockings and some kind of special gloves that enable you to put them on easier....."
(((Again, how many times have I complained about the fact that this has all been presented countless times, yet no follow through, I've even offered countless times to take MIL to the DME store . to see what assistive device may be available as to putting on compression hose)))
Continuing on, she writes:
"OT person gave us the name of a pharmacy specialty place to go to check that out. OT person will come a few times and can help with how to safely navigate the home, kitchen, bathroom, dressing, showering, etc. Also methods for ensuring she stays hydrated and takes her meds. How to keep that on the person's radar. She said she has no concerns about MIL's cognitive issues. She too blames the confusion and disorientation on the UTI and said it's very common in the elderly. Just like everyone else we've seen and been to. She didn't feel like MIL needs any further testing on her brain issues .. unless she has more of those episodes that set all this off to begin with, and it happens when there is no UTI at issue. I asked the OT person .. what about the cognitive screening done at the hospital and recommendation for further evaluation. She answered that she didn't think results of that screen were valid. Said she can't believe they would do a screen knowing there is a UTI issue. She wondered if maybe that screen was done prior to the knowledge that a UTI was at issue. OT person also said she doesn't put much stock in cognitive screenings when done in a hospital setting, it's far too stressful a place, anxiety producing environment. That's the same thing the NP at the Neuro doc said. Wonder why the heck do they do these screens then?".
She goes on to say that both she and MIL are absolutely spent . having had no power last night, til 1 AM . .and they missed some sleep and the activity and hubub of all the medical appts and coming and going of PT and nurse and OT . and that they are worn out, and going to eat some dinner, and call it an early night and go to bed.
I didn't even respond to the above. Just absolutely disgusted.
Stuck on stupid.
I have said for months what the problems are .. and the only responses i get are .. "She's so stubborn", "what am I gonna do drag her outta here tied up", .. "she won't go, I'm trying to get her to go stay with me, she won't go, she's so stubborn". I get from MIL .. "Now I know what to do, I will do it, I will manage".
But now .. here we are, . subsequent to a hospital visit .. (sure looked to me like there were some issues that were brought up by staff there), .. I was there .. they were mentioned.
But now, within less than a week, .. it all gets turned to the UTI .. and SIL is hanging it all on the UTI .. not to even discuss/mention what has been talked about for months and months.
Minimizing .. so she can .. I guess if forced, .. she and H put this in MIL's lap and the drama/fight will ensue, and that dial swing right back to me, .. with a "Well in the end, it was a UTI that was the problem .. and that's been cleared, she's had OT .. PT . she is stronger now, she'll manage .. she knows what she needs to do", and off she goes .. back to her home and her life . only to begin blowing up my phone with "need" .. daily.
I feel like I'm stuck in some nightmare. And there is no way out of it.
She too is afraid of her mother.
It won't be good to say "oh by the way mom I am packing your things and you are coming to live with me" the day before it happens. H & SIL need to start planting that idea ASAP.
I will bet the MIL refuses.
Plan B?
So happy you are sticking to your guns.
It's to her benefit not to live alone.
Rinse and repeat.
Considering the state of denial that has been going on, sil is trying to convince everyone that it is only the UTI. Of course, looking more closely, it can't be, and announcing mil safe to drive is par to criminal negligence.
So glad dh sees sil's denial as bs. That is progress.
I can see you are infuriated, understandably. Maybe it would help to accept that sil is still in denial, so still trying to "make things alright". It will take her a while to accept what is. You are unloading years of resentment and anger, and, finally, you are speaking the truth, and a good thing too. Sil needs to hear reality and you have spoken it.
Mil is narcissistic, so that tune runs loudly through all of this and you can't separate it from the cognitive decline. Narcissists use anything, even their own real illnesses, to get attention and to control others. It makes it harder to know what is going on. To me it looks like a mixture of both narcissism and decline. Throw in a heaping cupful of denial on the part of sil, and you have this sorry mess.
It is moving forward in the right direction, but not without blips. Sil cannot make mil OK and able to function on her own, no matter how many circles she runs in, or how much denial she spouts. I suspect mil is getting an small idea about herself, and her capabilities, or lack thereof, from the medical, PT and OT feedback.
Hang tight, I know you are DONE and that is great!
All wanting to chalk it all up to UTI.
Thus, she is going to talk to the OT that arrives today for eval . and see if she can get a read from that individual as to why the discrepancy. In other words, . she would be asking, her words, "My sister in law (that would be me) was on the scene there when mother was inpatient, .. she reports that docs found *x, y and z* .. but we're going to the follow up doc appointments and they don't seem at all concerned, as to any microbleed in the brain .. and changes found in her brain . indicative of further stroke damage .. or EEG/MRA .. none of it, no need for cognitive battery of full testing. Why does this counter what my sister in law reports as having gone on in the hospital".
That would be about what she is trying to achieve .. in her reaching out to me this morning, to sell to me that she is now going to dig deeper, the above .. being about what she'd say to the OT that arrives there today.
But yes, she did indicate "The only thing I can see is that I will need to take her to my home, where I live".
So yes, .. she intends to take her to her home. I guess, if she can't somehow squirm around all this, "She's fine .. it was just a UTI she's better now", which is PRECISELY what she was trying to sell . .. in an effort to yet again, .. arrive her, work like a dog .. stablize and 24/7 supervised care . .and of course, it all runs like a well oiled machine under her watchful eye . and then all is well with the world, as she hops on the plane to return home and then direct from afar.
I have no doubt in my mind that is the absolute direction she was heading .. only she bumped into a big brick wall, in having tried to sell me that it's all being chalked up to a UTI that has been tx'd and mother is going to be alright.
That big brick wall, is me . and my refusal to continue status quo.
I wanted to scream. Fortunately DH was sitting right there, and I read it to him (I am indeed jaded and there isn't much she can say at this point that I don't mis-read or rather *read more into it than is there* and find fault). I read to DH what was texted.
He shook his head in dismay .. which let me know . I AM ON TARGET. That pizzed me off.
We already covered this ground. She has said that docs indicate MIL as fine .. so fine and good .. we'll go with that if that's your story and you're sticking to it. Don't dangle a carrot in front of my face as to the fact you are now going to .. dig and see what this discrepancy is. I call b/s.
As I pointed out to her previously .. okay fine .. let's hang it all on the confusion and disorientation that results in a UTI . But let's talk about all the other events that have absolutely 0 to do with a UTI .. and explain those as to your mother's supposed cognitively sound brain and function.
Already covered that ground.
Wasn't going to start my morning yet again justifying what my thoughts are and listing for her what it is that I have issue with.
I simply responded, "Glad you got power back . hope you guys have a good day .. and again, let me know when you have time to sit down with H and myself .. he and I both agree there needs to be some serious discussion and without distraction, let me know when you can get free of geriatric duty and we'll make it happen".
She then texted back: "Okay but I kinda think at this point, the only option is that I take mother to where I live .. once she's thru this home health stuff here on this end .. but I'll have to bring her back in November for some doctor appointments she has here".
SIGH
Again .. I'm not going there with this .. she is being an absolutely obtuse idiot.
What I wanted to do was pick up the phone and ask her, "DO YOU NOT HAVE MD's WHERE YOU LIVE???? I KNOW D&MN WELL YOU DO, your husband is under the are of numerous physicians .. so this biz that you have to bring her back in November for some doc appts .. no .. do you think she is going to somehow miraculously recover and be a fully functional independent adult that you can deposit back on this end . in November?".
But nope.
Not doing that.
I only answered that with a: "yes, much that you and I and H need to sit down and get hashed through".
She said, "...and I guess after we talk, then we all let MIL know what we're planning?".
I said in response, (why is she being so ignorant here), .. "that's between you and your brother".
She then texted again with: "the PT person that was by here .. even he said that it's really common that a UTI can present with symptoms that mimic a stroke, in the disorientation and confusion that elderly folks experience".
I am now fuming. I haven't disputed that .. I don't disagree w/that premise .. never have. But not going to argue that point with her. THAT IS NOT THE ONLY ISSUE YOU FRIGGIN IDIOT!
I simply responded, "yep, well known that UTI can present in that way, not in dispute, .. gotta run".
And that ended that.
I have been with my g'babies the rest of the day and they are now napping and dd is in the back napping and that is how I wish to spend my day.
I don't think I've ever encountered such ignorance, and it is really rubbing up against the wrong side of me.
I have no explanation and that will always stump me, . how it is I got a picture at the hospital that reads one way and one that when visiting docs privately presents competely different.
But that's neither here nor there, at this point. The point is . she is either full of bull squeeze in the stunts pulled over the last several months .. non compliance and more .. or she is compromised in some way .. one or the other. PIck one, I don't care.
But either way .. I'm out.
Her care needs far exceed what I'm any longer willing to support, that's it and final. And SIL will obviously need to be told that repeatedly as she then wants to run up my flagpole that PT even thinks the whole scene was the UTI.
I don't give a rat's butt at this point.
I don't care if it was because MIL decided she liked the flavor of carrots .. I don't care.
DONE.
IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT HAPPENED AT NEUROLOGIST.
SIL AND MIL HAVE DECIDED IT IS ALL OK.
As I did with my husband when the last hospital admission that finally led to MIL being put in Assisted Living, you just smile and accept what you were told. "She is fine and can stay at home with no one's help". I didn't respond to hints to come up and visit and "help out". I have not been to the Assisted Living to "help sort things out and help MIL decide what comes from home to decorate". I have not been to FIL's house to "help sort things out".
I didn't need a fork stuck in me. I was DONE. So are you.
Treat it like a badly produced reality show with characters that you thought were ok but made really bad choices. What a shame. If hubs says that someone has to go do things, then you can give him the name of an Agency that has people that she can HIRE to do it. And pay to do it. Because MIL knows what needs to be done and will take care of it ALL ON HER OWN (arthritic finger pointing....)
MIL obsessed over sticks? No, I can't do that. You'll have to hire someone, MIL.
Nope, you are no longer her false "independence".
Let her find out what "independence" costs. She'll be RUNNING towards AL.