I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Yours is a great example of life for women in America. Actually for many of us, men and women. It's a timeless, universal condition.
As Anthony Quinn said in Zorba the Greek .
" Am I not a man? And is a man not stupid? I'm a man, so I married.
Wife, children, house, everything. The full catastrophe."
I love that line "The full catastrophe" and another from the same movie.
"Life is trouble. Only death is not."
You have worked it out. Much like MIL, you have chosen your part and have your lines down.
The only part you were having trouble with two months ago seemed to be letting others have that same experience. But it appears you are there now. Not to say that there won't be more ups and downs and trial runs. You needed a few. They will also. I'm sure they've heard you every time when you said your piece.
They just need time and experience. More words aren't needed.
Lights, camera, Action! That's where you are now.
Show and tell is over.
and you can't fix this after the fact.
But as you say, you have no authority or say so here, no ability to " insist" that MIL do or not do anything. MIL is competent to make her own bad decisions about her own care.
And if her children can't or won't step up, then you are just chasing your tail.
Look, in the end .. on that topic .... I would hate to unravel a .. going on 38 years of marriage. But he will not have my support in that endeavor. So in any event, .. if you wish to care for your mother under your roof, you figure out how that's going to look, and if it means that I need to find other housing for myself, and a life separate from this situation, then that's what I will need to prepare to do.
In the end, he will not have my support .. and he knows that, as the yellow room. So go ahead and insist on that .. and see how you will manage that on your own, absent my presence here, it won't happen.
I too, see it very clearly that both SIL and DH .. they think they have "wiggle" room in me. Thus, no need to really put the gray matter to solving this whole thing. They do not.
I don't ever intend to completely abandon the situation with MIL and be someone who is not even on speaking terms with her. I am human, I do have compassion. But the rabbit holes, the wild goose chases, the non compliance with meds and the results of same, that then have me hopping to, to deal with results of same, .. it's over and I've said so.
It's rather apparent that the two of them, their approach is going to be .. (SIL says MIL isn't opposed to going to where she lives, . .temporarily ... we will see .. not sure I buy that it will happen in the end), .. their approach outside of MIL's agreement to the above, is to leave status quo .. and let her "manage on her own". But she doesn't .. and that's been seen time and again and I've said so time and again. So, .. they will both have to see .. when that is left as status quo . that MIL is for the most part, at loose ends .. as I don't hop to for every rabbit hole and every wild goose chase, and certainly not for the fact that she's now become dehydrated and is confused/disoriented (all because she doubled up on the diuretic, having refused to take it as rx'd), ... or because she ate the wrong things .. aggravating her Diverticulitis.
911 will be summoned, . and she can "navigate" the whole process on her own.
If it's suitable to them that she is to be left .. and "she will manage". Then that works for me too.
And no, ... as I saw this last time, my presence at the hospital and directives from that setting (as in previous hospital stays . as in previous doc visits) .. all for naught. So no, I won't be sitting vigil at hospitals to help navigate the comings and goings of recommendations for various specialists. It's all useless in the end anyway, as it gets not addressed, or re-directed. So no, .. she can sit in the hospital and navigate it all herself, .. since she is "fine, she will manage". If that's the approach they wish to take, she's their mother, fine by me.
I don't see it that way, at all. And I've done my level best to get it addressed. Their failure to see to that, isn't then incumbent upon me, to then step up and they will see that in the end.
I was thinking late last night, .. I haven't even gotten my feet firmly planted in being an empty nester. Haven't gotten the chance to do so, gotten the chance to get our feet firmly planted in being a married couple that enjoys life with grown kids .. and the gone, with their own interests.
We have an older daughter, .. and she is finally, after many many years of a very troubled existence (she was dx'd many years ago with bipolar disorder, .. as a teen .. I sometimes wonder, as does she, now that she's more stable finally, if that dx shouldn't of been Borderline Personality Disorder). She was a very troubled young woman, and for a time in her life . homeless and living in the streets. It was a very very tumultuous time dealing with her. Her not med compliant for almost all of her years ... It's only in recent years, and an estrangement on my part from her, that she finally did come to the realization that she indeed has some problems . and she then motivated to see to those problems and address them. She has done so. She does fall off the rails periodically but she and her life-partner ... both have become more adept at recognizing when that is occurring and address it. She works f/t, has her own life .. and for the most part, comes to visit on occasion and/or have dinner with us .. but she isn't here .. daily .. by any stretch.
I have middle daughter (mother of 4 yo and twins). They have moved back home, she and husband and kid and dog .. not once, not twice, but 3 x's .. That too a situation that I saw coming, but was powerless to change it. She and he married right out of high school, .. and I urging that they not do so .. not until they could both be financially sound and support themselves (they both lived at home at the time, he in his mom's home, she in ours). Nope, nothing doing . they had to get married, .. wanted to (nobody was pregnant, it's just what they wanted) and it was said as I dug in my heels on it all, "We love each other and we will work through it". The fights that ensued as I dug in my heels on it all, and them digging in their heels just as fervently. I finally decided, .. they're gonna do what they want, and I can either get on board, . or I can be ostracized here. As I said, they've had to move back here into our home .. 3 x's through the 8 years they've been married, and it has generally resulted in some not so pleasant situations w/them living here.
The youngest daughter, .. she tried to move out with her b'friend, that soon went south .. and then moved back home ... and then she went to live with middle daughter and her husband in their rented home (to help them afford to live in the home) and to give youngest daughter a place to live, that wasn't "HERE". When middle daughter and her husband were given the opportunity to move into what is the step grandfather's home (step grandfather now having been placed in a NH) . them offered at that point, to live rent free, in the home that was previously occupied by the step g'father .. they of course jumped at the chance. That meant, no room for youngest daughter, so back home she is again.
The sandwich generation indeed, as well as the product of the boomerang generation.
In the middle of all that, through the last umpteen years .. I have been on the front lines caring for MIL .. taking her to doc appts, dealing with her when she is ailing .. you all know the drill .. it's been listed here.
I said all along, to all involved, that I'd happily assist, as long as I can, as long as MIL is safe and her needs aren't too deep. That has changed. I haven't been able to bring them onto the page to address that adequately, even though I've said it every way I know how to say it.
I was a SAHM for almost all of our married lives. Once the kids came. When they were grown .. and I thought launched .. I took a job. That job was 4x10's ..meaning I worked 4 days a week, 10 hour days. It as a very stressful, not rewarding job at all .. horrible place to work. But .. being I made the mistake so many did of my generation, . "oh I just want to be a wife and mother", .. I never went to college or vocational training of any sort. I was a SAHM .. that's what I did. Then I did go to work.
But soon found out that my days off (which were Wednesday and Thursday, and Sunday), . those days .. they were spent doing what I needed for the biz .. and doing what was needed on the MIL front . and then trying to (stressful as hell) .. baton down the hatches here as to my household, go get groceries, run any errands needed, make any phone calls needed, see to my parents .. and spend some time with them (that got lacking .. not enough time). I worked there for 8 years.
It was a horrible place to work, .. and because of the life I live, my circumstances .. how our lives run .. it was impossible to get away and get any kind of vacation of any sort ..
DH owns his own biz.. and as such, .. one would think he's free to hang it all on a hook and go take time off if he so desires. It's anything but that. Where I worked, .. to get time off, you'd have to ask six months in advance .. literally .. and I'm not kidding .. and when you ask, you might be what they call "waitlisted". In other words, "your consideration is being considered, but once we know .. closer to the time .. whether your absence will put a hardship on the biz need .. we will answer your request". That's what it meant to be waitlisted, and that was routine. How does one buy an airline ticket .. for a vacation somewhere, when they don't even know if the request is going to be approved ... and no, I don't have the kinda money to wait til two weeks before the time off .. and then go and buy the airplane ticket to go and take off, it's more expensive to do it that way.
So some would say, .. well then you just .. that's the hand you're dealt, you have to deal with it.
The reality of that, on the ground is that .. I'd be waitlisted, .. routinely .. all that work there, that's the norm. And yes, maybe two weeks before the date they'd approve your request (or not). And so you make your plans. Only by then, .. I have a DH who owns his own business .. he doesn't know what his week will look like next week much less six months from now. So the time would be upon us of course, .. "Well Iv'e gotten a long weekend approved, where shall we go". And more times than not, he was under the gun and under pressure with work, and couldn't go.
That was the reality I was living.
All the while working a stressful job that I detested, and then of course, my days off .. as is the case with anyone .. doing what needs to be done to run a household, but added to that .. a MIL that *needs needs and needs*, and kids that are grown bouncing back and forth out of living here.
I left that job two years ago, .. a decision that he and I both thought best for the situation. That allowed that I attend to what is needed on my end as to what I do for the biz. That afforded that I can attend to the needs of MIL without the stress of trying to do so, . with the two days off I have during the week, along with all else I'd have to handle in those two days off.
I know that one can't compare apples and oranges and expect that their own situation look like that of someone else's. But I was thinking about my brother's wife .. and her aged mother. They took her aged mother in at 94 yo .. she soon died, .. within about 3 months of them having brought her in to live with them. She though, prior to that, .. lived on her own .. in her own place, .. a park model development .. for those over age 55. Lived there many years. This woman would get on her golf cart daily and go to the pool for exercise classes (had severe arthritis in her neck and shoulders and back) and the pool helped to keep her able to function. She was on a walker 100% of the time in the last years of her life, but off she'd go in that golf cart, to the neighborhood pool .. daily. This woman used the internet .. no longer able to travel, but that's how she stayed in touch with family, via email. Yes, to hear brother's wife tell it, it took a lot for she and her sisters to work with her, to bring her up to speed to today's technology and some things she never did learn to do, but email with her family, she got quite adept at doing .. and staying in touch via email .. and this is a woman who played cards with a little ladies circle group there where she lived, .. once a week, she got on the church bus each weekend, .. that was sent to get her to and from church. She was "engaged" in her world, . until the very end. The woman was quite adept at calling local restaurants for delivery of meals, be that an Outback Steakhouse, or an Olive Garden or an Applebees, you name it. Had her little stack of menus and she would call for delivery of a meal. And generally, make about two or sometimes three meals out of what was brought to her.
You look at the situation above .. and you think to yourself, MIL has done none of the above, not one iota .. nor will she, even though it's been suggested repeatedly ..
What that means, on the ground .. in real time .. is that MIL doesn't engage with the outside world .. at all .. and her only social outlet (and this is the God's honest truth) is that which myself and DH can provide . which puts the onus on us to not leave her languishing away with no visits ..(along with everything else on our plates to attend to). That means she doesn't eat nutritiously .. because she refuses to do the above as to getting deliveries of meals .. doesn't want people coming to her door .. So much that MIL could have done differently to manage her world, but refused ..
You look at the situation with my brother's wife .. and there were three of them .. 3 sisters living in that vicinity to share the burden .. 3! And two brothers that lived within a couple of hours of where the aged mother lives.
Here, there is me. That's it. Except when SIL can come .. and when she does ..... as I've said so many times, she does all but breathe for her mother .... and she's here for two or three weeks doing, so and then off and gone again to her life 1K miles away, and sending directives this way as to the latest need du jour.
I haven't even been able to firmly plant my feet in the whole "my kids are grown . now what do I do with my life". I haven't even been given the opportunity. And all the while .. I have a realization that I have two parents that live here (divorced long long ago, when I was a small child) but they both still live in this area. Fortunately my dad has his wife who is very attentive (but she too, no spring chicken) .. and his health .. though not bad, and nothing terribly serious . is deteriorating. My mother, .. spry as can be . and has a live in b'friend who is more aged than she is .. and pretty spry really in the end, this fella is. But there is a very real awareness on my part that at some point, I may be called to the front lines of dealing with MY OWN AGING parents.
I have said all this and more, to the two parties (DH and his sister) time and time again .. all for naught.
If they take the approach she is to be left to manage on her own, that's the approach I too will follow. I will make it abundantly clear to both .. that all texts as to need on this end, are to be directed to her brother, period. And if he ignores them .. as has been his mantra (he's busy, he isn't willingly being just absent, he's busy) .. if he doesn't respond and/or somehow address what SIL is sending as to the latest need, .. and she back in my ear on it, I'll just redirect. She will eventually have to get the message that coming in my direction with it all, it's a dry well, gets her nowhere.
What the h*ll would they -- and MIL -- do if YOU woke up tomorrow needing gallbladder surgery? Contracted Lyme disease from a tick bite? Had a blazing headache that turned out to be a brain tumor? In a serious car accident? Recovering from a face lift? (sorry -- couldn't resist! 😜)
Life happens. NO ONE in this mix is getting any younger. They lean on you like you'll always have the energy of a 23-yr-old. It's not a compliment anymore. It's a cop-out.
And yes, that's the price you pay for "performing at such a high level," as they say in Corporate JerkSpeak. (Been there myself.) Alas -- press release! -- CEO Dorker is stepping down. Time for the board of directors to find a replacement.
Back to my original point: SIL is suddenly extricating herself from Planet Mama because of....say it, everyone....A Health Crisis At Her House. I can't think of a better time to remind Team Myopia that you or H could have just as easily been the one with a sudden medical event. Then what???
And Dorker, here's the key: No one leaves the table til they have a solution for "then what." A solution that does not involve The Yellow Room.
Hold them to it. 👍🏼💜
OTs and PTs and other specialists generally come at THEIR convenience, which is usually during the normal working day. So don't expect that any OT would have come to watch MIL attempt to prepare her dinner.
I also think (like Shane1124) that Dorker's H is not really taking her seriously, and that once SIL has left the scene and Dorker's H is supposedly responsible for the care of his MIL, that he won't be able to do it and will expect Dorker to step in. And if Dorker won't do it, he will attempt to move MIL in to the Yellow Room.
Perhaps very soon MIL will have the precipitating crisis that WILL prevent her from ever being able to go home again. Of course, even then, Dorker's H may follow Queen Narcissa's dictates and somehow move her back home...or to the Yellow Room. I don't expect SIL to be able to overcome the Queen's refusal to go into a facility, either, considering her track record so far.
Everyone is afraid of the Queen. I am afraid that soon the Queen will be ruling YOUR home, too, Dorker. That is, unless something drastically changes, and it doesn't seem to be happening.
Yes I know H is very busy but - it is what it is at this point. Most of the CGs on this site can probably agree that we weren't ready either when our elderly parents lost the ability to be independent at home. Our family's decision was prompted by my mom falling and breaking her hip while walking on grass. Of course, everyone tried to remind her not to walk on the morning wet grass & walk on her sidewalk but it happened anyway.
But....This is HIS mother.
He can't bow out. And if it were me, I would remind him daily of the tasks at hand. Daily at this point because SIL may have to leave and again there is no plan in place. In my opinion Dorker, your husband seems to be aware of your feelings & stance but I am not sure he really takes it seriously & assumes he has wiggle room - which is You. He stating he will go over there 4x/day, really??? That's his solution? Sure.....
Tip toeing around the MIL again - MIL stays happy and doesn't give a rat's butt about the rest of the family. Everyone else is miserable but as long as the MIL is satisfied, that's all that matters to those 3. At the expense of the MIL's safety and the risk to your sanity & well being too.
So frustrating.
Sad that your daughters assessment is that MIL is too far gone to be in that facility. I think I'd want a formal assessment of that, but up to SIL and DH of course.
Hope BILl's tests go well.
As we talked, she said the OT is scheduled to come on Friday (sounds like they only have her scheduled for 3 visits .. saying "well you didn't have a stroke or anything, so ...". Said the OT is scheduled to come on Friday morning, for one of the visits, and to observe/watch MIL as she prepares herself something for b'fast. I said to SIL, . ."jeeze, woulda been more important to me, to see her at dinner time, that's when she struggles to fix herself anything to eat, . mornings . .she's at her best she'll be all day .. shame they are coming in the morning".
I said the following to her: "I just don't see her being able to be left alone .. she just can't manage adequately". SIL responded: "I know, it does seem like it's too hard for her to manage, it looks like I'm going to need to take her back with me, .. but I've just been so busy at this point seeing to all the points with follow up with docs, and the PT and OT and lab work, and today I had to call the docs . .. one doc said to take "x" dose of Potassium if taking Lasix and another doc said take "xx" dose ... so zeroing in on that .. and I had the guy out here to repair her chair that broke (just an incident with a leg of a chair she uses, and it broke, nothing like she fell or anything with it). I said to SIL: "I don't see MIL being able to manage all the above, if you aren't on the scene, do you?". She said, "no absolutely not, she wouldn't of been able to navigate all that has had to be seen to, it's too much for me even".
She went on to say, it just looks like she's going to need to take her back to her home .. and she has just been so busy that she hasn't yet figured it all out. That she could load up MIL and MIL's dog into MIL's car, and start out for the long trip. But that it's an awful long trip for only one driver, and then what to do to manage MIL and getting her out and into bathrooms and yet managing the dog also at the same time. So she thought, .. maybe she'd fly home, then get in her car . .she and her husband and start out this way to retrieve MIL .. but she just hasn't gotten it figured out yet .. and she then went into, "but my home .. I don't have the first grab bar installed anywhere, . I'd have to get all that in place, .. my house isn't even safe for her, as it stands right now".
I thought, .. but didn't say it, ... (because it would be hard for even me to leave what I'm trying to do here with dd and the babies) .. maybe I should offer to go with, and help with the driving .... and then I could fly home. But I didn't offer.
DH could do the same .. and he could even install grab bars once there. But he hates to fly .. loathes it. I don't have a fear of flying.
And if anyone is wondering, why all the talk of driving, .. fly. No. MIL's dog .. the dog won't fit in one of those little carriers that slides up under the seat in front of you .. and airlines require that, .. or the dog goes into the cargo hold. She would NEVER allow that her dog be relegated to the cargo hold. NEVER.
Yes how quickly it all comes undone. All the more reason to be making a plan so that you know, your husband, whose health is rather precarious, can be seen to also.
She says the CT scan came out clear, an EKG also fine, . .they did a "swallow test" on him, (I guess .. wanting to be sure, if there's been a stroke, swallowing/choking, not an issue). He passed the swallow test.
He was able to get up and walk, this evening, . and "did better than he did earlier in the day".
???, weird
They are to do an MRI tomorrow of his brain/spine??
It's beginning to look more and more like this will be one of those cases, (with regard to MIL) that there has to be a major medical calamity that forces the issue, and nothing else will move it in any other direction. That, to me, is really sad.
I have to think if it were my mom (who is spry as can be, fortunately) that I'd be having a talk with my siblings and coming up with some plans/actions. My mom, her mantra, "I won't be like your MIL, .. don't worry about me when my day comes, if I live that long, you find where you think is suitable as a setting for me, and stick me in there, .. I don't want everybody marching to the beat of my drum like your MIL".
Everyone says of that, "yea yea, she says that now, . she won't feel that way when it's her standing at the gate to a *facility* somewhere".
SIL says she asked him was he concerned/worried, did he want her to get back home. She says he told her no, . .that she needs to be there to care for her mother, to stay there and see about that, and he's okay.
I guess all that gets thrown to the wind, if it turns out to be something serious.
He takes an AWFUL LOT OF MEDS .. and I would sure be looking at side effects of long term use of some of the meds he takes .. for sure.
He has some .. has been tested and does not have Parkinson's but has some symptoms that mimic Parkinsons .. because of the strong psych drugs he's taken for so long. Tremors, gait/balance issues, low slung head, etc.
I did ask DH, .. (we called SIL's husband, in his hospital room and he sounded good/optimistic). I asked DH, "what's the plan if SIL has to fly out of here, to be with her husband". His answer: "Well .. I'll have to step up, I guess call her in the AM to make sure she takes her meds .. and at lunch .. and at dinner, .. and then go over at dinner time nightly, to make sure she's eating, and check her pill vial thing .. that's all I know to do".
I didn't argue with him.
He knows, I've said it enough, .. I'm done stepping to the beat of the drum over there.
As you say, she knows how to case manage and make a plan.
You've done your bit, and then some. And when she ends up in the hospital, again, you don't show up.
Let her children handle her.
Hope BIL is okay. I have wondered who was looking out for him. Glad his daughter is there.
Yes, they call us the sandwich generation for good reason. We have our aging elders on one side. We have our grown children that need help. Then we have ourselves stuck in the middle with our rising blood pressures, frazzled nerves, etc, etc.
I hope BIL is okay.
Man, H and SIL have really dropped the ball. By that I mean at least trying to start a conversation with MIL. I do agree with Churchmouse. Only because my Mother refused help and the only way we got her into a facility was after an "event".
I do hope you follow thru with your plans to help your daughter. If SIL has to go home let H check on MIL before and after work and call her at lunch if he thinks she needs to be looked after.
Hang in there! Do not try to do all this yourself.
This is why the art of detachment is so crucial to your peace of mind. Yes SIL should go home to her husband. Yes it would be a good idea to have options for MIL ready, costed and waiting. But until events and developments force MIL's hand nothing can happen. So sit back and wait. You've done your bit.
I understand if SIL feels she needs to be on the next plane out of here, to be with her husband. BUT .. if she feels it appropriate she can leave her mom "alone" (absent any other plan that she nor her brother have come up with, in spite of my best efforts to lead the horse to water on the issue). Then so be it. Alone she will be left. And don't think for a minute that I don't see the brevity here.
BUT .. let's all keep a calmer head here (will be my rationale) .. "obviously you guys haven't seen any urgency as to seeing about more care for her, this has been ongoing for quite a while as I've repeatedly told both of you .. so .. status quo it shall be, .. MIL can be left to *manage on her own* .. and that doesn't in any way mean that I didn't mean what I said, so many times, .. I DON'T SUPPORT THAT ANY LONGER.
I'm sorry but those two, .. SIL and DH .. are both grown adults .. obviously .. her a career in social work .. many many years. SHE KNOWS HOW TO PROBLEM SOLVE. She chooses not to, on this one. Same with DH ............... a career owning his own biz .. and PROBLEM SOLVING. These are not idiots. They just choose to be on this topic.
So .. I'm trying not to get panicked here .. and ya know .. if yet again, I jumped into the fray and began frantically passing along to SIL all the outlets I can find as to services to enlist . and all for naught. That too, would be one more peg in my being furious.
I'm not doing it. If SIL feels she must get to her husband (and I probably would if it were me), then it's on her and DH to figure the next steps .. and that won't be me.
This has been a problem for a long long time that they've both chosen to stick their heads in the sand on.
So now .. you've got a real problem! Your husband with possible health issues, 1K miles away and an ailing mother that you've failed to set in motion some care plans as to her well being. What will you do?
Much as I agree Dorker should step back, with this new complicator, I can see SIL on the next flight out, with DH having agreed to take care of MIL because they'll both feel like there's no either option for either of them. And Dorker will be back up at bat. I hate to see it happen, but she may have to be in the discussion to be the grown up in the room.
Husband has got to step up.
You can't, and shouldn't be making the plan. Get those two talking fast.
SIL is going to have to leave - it's her husband.
I would go too and so, probably, would you.
Good luck and move fast. Get Agencies to care for MIL. She's too weak now anyway and needs the assistance. That or the yellow bedroom. What a mess! Those kids (MIL's) are stuck in neutral!
Dorker - take control of the situation, get a to-do list together, and start giving out tasks. SIL now has an emergency and your husband seems incapable of taking charge.
Clean up that yellow bedroom Dorker or get ready to "step and fetch".
This is not sounding good.
Move forward. I say you make your husband arrange a time to talk with his sister about their mother. Why is it such a big to-do - a brother & sister talking. Haven't they been semi close over the past years. My brother and I were cause we knew where it was going with our mom's care and the adults in the room had to decide. Not one of us was fond of those times.
Why do these two have such crappy communication? It's not pleasant but the kids have to be on the same page and make the plan, not you. She is their mother!
I guess they are investigating to see what's going on with him. She says that he sounds good, and she thinks it will somehow all be okay. She said her husband drove himself to the ER, when he found this morning, when he awakened, that his left leg was weak, almost like he had to really drag it along with him .. kind of.
They've done a CT scan and that ck'd out okay .. and are doing an MRI ....????.....or have (not clear on that part). They are keeping him o'nite .. I guess for further testing/observation, not sure.
She asked him if he's been able to get up and walk, and he said no, thus far, they won't let him. That they've been in and done some resistance type things (PT???, don't know), ..
She said their daughter that lives there is going to go to the hospital to ck on her dad there. Surprising. Her daughter is known to be not at all a nurturer (other than her dogs), and pretty self-absorbed. Glad to hear the daughter will step up.
I heard that and of course thought, "OMG . now SIL is going to have to get home to her husband in a flash .. and MIL left in the lurch here, and nothing having been addressed".
I guess that could still be the case, depending on the facts as they develop or whatever.
She said she's trying to not worry too much .. and thinking .. ??....questioning even herself, ... "do you think he could've just slept on his leg wrong and maybe it was just numb or something", asking me. Of course, I have no way of answering that.
But I just thought, "OY VEY jeeze .. here we go".
"Lack of Planning on Your Part Does not Constitute an Emergency on Mine."
Therapy is a good idea. (((((((hugs))))))
Interesting
BUT .. not doing so, .. that will entail that DH and his sister both get to steppin, as they say ... better be figuring out how to pay for a "facility" and not only that steeling themselves for the onslaught of emotion and tears and drama that is to ensue with that decision.
They have done none of the above.
I think eventually, if MIL lives long enough, .. like some of have indicated here, a medical event will precipitate the scenario listed here and hands will be tied, as to what has to transpire.
As I mentioned in a previous post . there was an uncle (by marriage) that had a massive debilitating stroke, . .landed him in a nursing home for the remaining two years he lived. Not knowing who he was, where he was, and completely unable to care for himself in any way. Basically vegetative state for the most part.
As I told DH, . you better hope if that happens w/your mother and it very well could, with her playing/monkeying with her meds .. you better hope and pray that she too, is left not knowing who/where she is. It will be heartbreaking and h*ll on earth to have her in a facility unable to ambulate at all, but fully aware mentally.
That's partly why it makes perfect sense to me, .. this person who has shown repeatedly .. she can't manage her own meds . .. let's get her where that can be managed. If not sister's house .. (I agree that will be a poor set up in the end), then a facility ..
But no one wants to talk about the big huge elephant in the room and actually do the legwork to deal with it, one way or the other.
Leaves me with a feeling of, "do they both honestly think that when the woman becomes in a state that she can no longer get herself onto a toilet, .. she can no longer lift a spoon to feed herself, .. she can no longer step into a shower .. do they honestly think that I will be taking that on? They must .. because they are failing to do much of anything to adequately address that not happen.
I won't be doing the above.
I've made that clear every way I know how. But their failure to listen .. is what is so confounding!
Yes, I agree that I should (ostensibly) be a part of any conversation that goes on. But doesn't look like there will be any conversation does it. Looks like, . .still early in the game .. but looks to me like what is likely to happen here is that SIL will call herself having stabilized things to the point MIL will be spared the drama they so dread .. and off SIL will go again. Only to micromanage, or try to .. from afar.
Hard at that point to not *go to blows* over it all .. and get really angry and verbal about that anger.
I see it so clearly that MIL's health/well being depends so greatly on being further supervised/managed. At least if she's been managed/supervised, and that catastrophic fall or stroke happens, .. at least no one has it on their heart that they should've looked after her better. Be that DH, or his sister, or ME.
I recall very vividly in the last several months, . as I worked to try to be all things to all people, my household, my duties at the church (which btw, are pleasurable to me, I enjoy what I do there), my obligations and responsibilities to our small biz, my g'daughter, and my daughter .. and to MY OWN PARENTS .....
As I ran on that hamster wheel of trying to be all things to all people, and found myself continually down rabbit holes and wild goose chases, . and worse yet .. in the ER outpatient unit, and/or doc visits, on MIL's behalf for things completely preventable, as she wasn't seeing to her needs "on her own, and she will manage".
This was in no way a knee jerk reaction on my part. It was a self-examination of why am I so stressed all the time, and can't keep a lid on the things that are my responsibility to see to, and I don't mind seeing to them, it's why I'm here, ..
It became pretty evident where the gap was. It was in the fact that I was constantly being called to the front lines of the MIL situation .. and the need on that front, which has increased .. measurably over the last several months if not years.
I'm pretty sure any "guilt" felt there, has been measured and reasoned within myself, that yes, I feel guilty in that I know how hard DH works, . and how he is for the most part, truly, spoken for as to work hours and isn't free to run and see about his mother. That's been my job . and happily doing it, all these umpteen years. UNTIL .. it got to the point the need was increasing so that I found I wasn't able to manage the rest of my life, "FOR MANAGING HER'S". I feel "guilty" in that .. it does indeed put the onus on DH (where it should've been all along) to figure the way forward here, he and his sister. They have failed to do that, and that angers/frustrates me. There is absolutely 0 dialogue between the two, or with the mother .. in fact, very little with me, .. as I assert, repeatedly that I'm out .. what will you guys do. That frustrates me.
Yes, SIL, when point blank asked the other day, by me, .. she did respond that MIL seems willing to try it (going to her home, SIL's home) .. for a little bit.
I didn't ask, .. don't care, have asked, it's never been answered, I'm beating a dead horse to keep asking it.
"How do you propose that she will agree to all this?".
That's the $64k question no one is answering or even attempting to. The other obvious questions, what to do long term? No one is addressing it.
That, I know, is because all "assume" (Incorrectly I might add) that status quo will continue . that ole daughter in law here, will continue living her life living on the edge of all the stress created in MIL's lack of ability to manage any further. I know it .. in my knower, I know it!
Was very telling when SIL responded, "She's willing to try it for a little while".
A "little while"? So . somehow in all of this, you are deluding yourself into thinking a "little while" is going to find her somehow miraculously able to manage her life and afford that you can then deposit her back into her home, and all is well?
AMAZING!!!!!!!! The stupidity and denial that is ongoing. Just Amazing.
I can't drag either of them by the shirt collars, into a room and knock their noggins together and tell em, "NOW SIT DOWN AND FIGURE THIS OUT". I've done everything short of that, .. I've told SIL SEVERAL TIMES that I want some of her time, to have her ear .. thus far, there has been no .. not one iota .. not a single attempt .. at even acknowledging that fact, much less an attempt to try to make it happen.
Yes, SIL is worn out, I get that. She .. it was her choice. .. I get it ... she wanted to see her son and enjoy he and his family on their visit to the states. That always, always, always .. entails she pretty much become a nanny for their stay here in the states. And so she would be worn out beyond exhaustion when they leave. She knows this .. she's always known this .. it's what she prefers . it's how she prefers to operate.
But I've been over her raising the flag up and down and screaming it, as much as I possibly can . her mother's needs are increasing and it needs to be addressed, even suggesting some stopgap measures .. measures that were summarily declined or flat out refused.
So SIL, poor poor SIL .. she sends her son and his family on their way after completely wearing herself down .. and her mother once again, on the fringe here and needing supervision/help.
Kinda find it hard to find it in my heart to say and feel, "you poor thing, let me hop right on in here, .. and you get on that plane and run on back to your life .. run along now, I've got this".
That's what I"ve been saying!
SHE NEEDS MORE HELP. Your failure to listen/hear/wear it/live it/breath it/address it, .. doesn't then make it incumbent upon me to take the lead on all this and run with it.
Not happening.
So I get it, she's tired .. I do .. and for that I'm truly sorry .. but that doesn't somehow fall upon me to wear it.
Look, there have been discussions in passing, between myself and DH .. even more fleeting, mentioned a few times in the years as they've worn on, .. "what will become of the situation with MIL .. she will, if she lives long enough .. she will become more needy, how will that need be met".
That discussion has come up .. a few times with DH . thru the years .. and even less with SIL.
It has never been adequately addressed. Easier to kick the can down the road, as it continues to be, to this day.
I just find it awfully frustrating, .. if I were to get their ear .. either one of them, and ask them point blank, "look take me out of the equation and any emotion, .. can you answer me honestly ...that you think it's best for your mother's well being .. can you honestly say that is the best scenario .. that she be left alone, to manage on her own .. is that what you think is best suited for this situation .. take the emotion of her not wanting to leave her home .. look at it as if it were a friend asking you, a friend with upclose personal view of it all, would you advise that friend, .. yes your mom so vehemently wants to be left in her own home, even though she can't manage .. by all means do it .. is that what either of you would advise?".
But .. can't get either of their ear's .. not for long enough to make a valid case ..
So frustration yes, most definitely. Guilt . perhaps .. only from the respect that .. it's like my job description has changed at this point .. and I have the choice to step up to the plate and take on the additional assignments .. or I can say "nope" that wasn't part of what I bargained for when I took on this role, .. not doing it any longer. Guilt in that .. I won't be helping DH who I truly know, does not have time for this. I know it, I live with him .. I see it, daily.
But .. getting he or his sister to address it .. it just doesn't seem possible.