I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I know that you will hold your ground as to the other things that started all of this, and it is true, it probably will take a medical emergency to get your MIL to finally find out that she will have to evacuate her home, and how very sad indeed this is, when a whole lot of planning (though just a one time deal), would have his Mom squared away into a Senior Apartment nearby.
I wish for you it didn't have to be that way, but unfortunately it is often the case! This time next year, at the rate she is going, not taking her Lasix, she's headed for that crisis as we chat here. If she doesn't start caring for herself (and you know it's only a matter of time) she will end up in hospital with Severe Edema, and probable Heart Failure. Sad but true!
Dear Dorker, you have done everything you can do, but at this time it's most important for you to help your husband, and not with his Mom per se, but in ways that strengthen your marriage, as it's family power struggles like these, that tend to erode your marriage, as the triangulation umongst his sister and mother, wear at him, cause him stress, and yes, could easily end up with this all affecting him physically and mentally too, and we don't want that!! I am glad to hear that he is in good shape!
God knows you are stressed to the MAX, and we don't always hear about the ways in which you worry about your own parents, kids snd Grandies!
Your doing everything right, in the best way that you can, and unfortunately will end up just waiting for the medical crisis to hit. Is it fair, absolutely Not, but it is what it is!
Now the best that you can do is to try not to stress about it, and sit back and wait, all the while holding your ground and being the supportive wife that you are!
Don't let the stress over his Mom, cause a devide in your marriage! Yes, easier said than done, and I'm a perfect example, as are so many others on this site! This caring for our elders ain't for dummies!
Try to be kind to yourself, and let the chips fall where they will! I wish it could be different, and someday it will be! Take Care Love!
Dorker, would your husband participate in this board?
I have come to believe that SIL .. while she gives lip service to the whole, "Well I want mother to come here, It would be easier for me to manage, she just won't agree to do it.... I don't know what we're going to do with her".
Of course all the while, with her, it's one more doc visit .. one more gadget, one more pill, one more treatment, one more procedure, one more one more one more ...
Does anyone else suspect, ... maybe she DOESN'T want her mother to come here, and thus all the frantic directing from afar as to the *one more, one more, one more*.
It sometimes seems to me, but maybe I've lost all objectivity here, she is in a near state of panic almost all the time (SIL) .. one more doc visit, one more this or that, all the time. Could it be that's her way of .. shall we say addressing it all from afar .. to keep a lid on things on this end, to assure that MIL stays firmly entrenched here in this location vs her's 1K miles away. It is seeming that way to me.
And yes, I do realize that MIL doesn't have to go any damn where, .. that's been made real apparent, daily. And that MIL could also be more reasonable, and get herself into a low income senior apartment housing somewhere .. and do a lot of things that would then negate SIL and all of her harranging. So it's not ALL ON SIL .. that this is, seemingly, at least to me, more and more of SIL and her frantic/panicked almost, attempt to keep a lid on things here and keep her mother firmly entrenched here and not under her roof, though she will tell you, verbalize otherwise.
I am so glad, .. at least with this one little minuscule piece of the whole picture, as is DH, that I have hired out that massive lawn job. As he said last night, "My sister would be bugging the crap out of me to get on that .. I'm glad you got someone to do it, and I don't have to do it". At least there is that, fwiw.
He has more stamina and strength than someone his age usually would.
Yes, I agree he should cut back on the church involvement, and have said as much, numerous times. I am campaigning, as we speak, heavily .. with the church, that they begin at lawn service. As it is presently, the guys of the church (gals too if they wish to participate, none do), .. they share the lawn work, mowing, edging, weeding, etc. The church we attend, sad state of affairs there. We joined a church several years back 300 plus strong. At that time, there were crews of 3 or 4 .. and those crews would switch out weekends, and there were a group of about 8 or so ... Thus, one would find themselves on lawn duty .. oh about every 8 weeks. And 3 or 4 others to assist when assigned. Now, ..however ... the church, .. won't go into all the sordid mess .. has all but been decimated as to the membership roles. It is now reduced to 3 or 4 crews .. and on those crews 2 people each .. and if one of those 3 or 4 .. has an issue, .. (one has a guy that has back problems, so that sometimes negates his ability to show up, another one travels out of town for work, .. on a moment's notice, and so he too, susceptible to be unavailable) the frequency of those who remain .. gets increased.
I am campaigning heavily that they employ a lawn service to now take this on. But with the membership roles there so reduced, .. funds are an issue to pay for lawn service. DH is on that crew .. and so it can happen and does .. that he has to go over other weekend, . to service lawn duty there.
Why does he stay, why do we stay? Because the core group of that church are people we love .. and we've seen the church all but disbanded almost from the problems .. and those that have left, .. and we don't wish to be part of the problem, but part of the solution if possible. It is heartbreaking though.
Yes DH is in pretty good physical shape. But yes, he is also very tired, all the time. But that's because he never stops. I wish I could get him to slow down .. go float in the pool for an afternoon, even a whole weekend, .. just relax. He doesn't. He never stops.
And then he has his mother calling .. with her needs .. along with the church .. and the aged there, and the church itself .. and then our household. And .. add into that mix .. dd and her household, .. and autos .. and if they have problems .. her husband .. while he is good to dd and treats her well, .. and a hard worker, ... he is not as mechanically inclined as DH is, and so an auto breaks .. or a household issue, .. DH is enlisted there, to help solve whatever the newest crises may be, and no, he doesn't ever throw up his hands and say "sorry, you're on your own, I got my own chit to deal with", never happens.
I was talking to a friend about all of this with MIL (her aware of the whole situation) .. she said, "you probably don't have to worry with it all much longer, I don't imagine MIL will be around much longer". My response: "I think MIL will outlive all of us!". And I'm not even being funny.
While it's good that Dorker was proactive and got someone else to clear Narcessa's backyard of all of the debris, this is just one thing, one time. DH is refusing to do certain things (didn't he refuse to clean the yard?), but there are SO MANY other things he is doing/he thinks he will have to do that will cause stress.
It's so much more than hard physical labor. There's mental stress, and he must be intensely stressed by MIL. And then there's SIL bugging him ALL THE TIME.
Is H physically fit? Does he have any blood pressure or other issues? You say he's exhausted all the time. Of course he is -- he has his demanding job, the church responsibilities (he ought to cut back on them), and then the constant demands and concerns about Narcessa.
I don't think Dorker will make any headway if she expresses her concerns about H to Narcessa, because Narcessa is only concerned with HER needs (and WANTS). And SIL doesn't seem to be concerned at all. And I don't think she will be, because it suits HER needs to have H do the steppin' and fetchin' for Narcissa.
Will H EVER come to realize the huge threat to his own health, Dorker? I suspect he will minimize it, because neither he nor his sister appear to be able to break free from Narcissa's clutches.
This is an awful thing to say, but I hope Narcissa's eventual medical event that changes things happens before you H's!
I did say to her at that time, though not with the mindset of DH's health, only from the aspect of not wanting to have to deal wit stuff like this, "Don't you wish you just lived in a small apartment somewhere, and didn't have this yard and the problems of home ownership". She, at that time, responded, "Well no, I love my house, .. just me and my little dog in my house, this is where I'm happy".
I have to go over there again this morning to sit vigil while they finish the yard. I will, while there, .. mention that again, but this time with the mindset that DH's health is an issue that concerns me, and keeping up with her household, as well as our own household, is very taxing to him, and doesn't she wish that she didn't have to put him through that, maybe if she'd consider a small senior apartment. I'm sure it will go over like a lead balloon.
She will probably just say what she always does .. "I try so hard not to call him, .. whatever happens around here, and just handle it myself or live with it".
Her b'yard would be a perfect example of something she's had to just decide to "live with it", where .. if DH were so inclined, she'd of enlisted him to get on it, and get it done (he is not, won't do it). She has so much tree coverage in her b'yard that the sod out there is sparse .. it's green .. the ground cover is greenery .. but it's weeds .. not a lot of thick lush sod. She would, if she could change it, have loads of dirt broad in .. and then re-sod that b'yard. That's a helluva lot of work, to spread shovel loads of dirt around and then pack in sod on the yard and lay it, .. and he is no more interested in doing that than the man on the moon. I remember when she'd begun harping on that as a 'want' and he did tell her, "then don't look at it mother, .. you can't afford to get that done and I'm not doing it". Few more times of those very conversations as she'd *think out loud* on her wish list .. and him, same response each time. She has finally, I suppose, decided she has to just live with it.
Just seems to me, the folks here are right, the only thing that is going to pry her from the clutches of staying in that home, is going to be a medical incident .. here she will then find herself in a SNF .. that's it, that's the only thing.
But what happens between here and that point .. and all her "need" .. is just unfair.
I see it, so clearly .. DH ... not so much.
How can two people have such different perspectives. I will say something out loud, an observance, .. "gee, .. did you notice your mom navigating around here ... she is so so slow .. she can barely go .. and holding onto walls and whatever .. she is just so unstable".
My underlying tone to the above is yet another reminder that his mother doesn't need to be living alone ...
It gets met with, "I know, breaks my heart .. so sad to see her in this situation".
My underlying tone and sentiment: "what the hell is wrong with every damn one of you that continue to find this acceptable".
There is no, .. not in me, .. "bless her heart, it's so sad". That's not my underlying tone and sentiment to it all. Mine is one of, "you people ... you and your sister and your mother, all need to drink a big cup of reality 101 ... what the hell is wrong with you .. all of you".
His .. one of feeling empathy and sorrow at the shape of his mother's world and existence.
You might have said "mom, you might notice how much backbreaking work this is. There is a lot of work needed when you own a house with a yard. To live in a house, you either have to do yard work yourself or have tthe funds to hire people. You can't physically do this any longer, and you don't have enough money to hire people. I'm unwilling to risk my husband's health letting a man of his age do this in hot weather. You don't want your son to get hurt or sick, do you? So we end up paying for it. We won't pay for this cleanup again. I feel strongly that you should move to a place that does not require so much of our help to maintain. You need to downsize and be realistic about your financial situation. Would you like me to help you find an apartment?"
In fact, this afternoon as I sat vigil while the work went on at her house, she remarked at what all it's taking for them to do it, .. quite the load of work. I said it again, "yep and I didn't want H doing it, .. thus I hired it out, .. he doesn't need to be over here doing this, he works too hard to have to then come do all this. He and I both did it last year when this happened, and it just about killed us .. wasn't gonna have it happen again". Said that to MIL. One might would hope she would wake up and smell the coffee that her choices then rain on those around her as to what has to be done. Not a clue, the woman doesn't have the vaguest notion, .. or if she does, she doesn't care.
He clearly is taking the load off Dorker who has said she will no longer stand the load. But rather than coming to his senses and standing up to his mom, he is simply taking on the entire load, kinda like Job.
Not good for him. Dorker needs to step in here. Not to pick up the slack, but to put an end to the dance.
I'm happy for other folks to come up with other solutions. That's just the one that I see.
I hired out the yard work, .. without even so much as consulting anyone. I did it, to make it so that DH wouldn't be the one to have to go do it. I was there this afternoon, and they still aren't finished, the hired help. It is monumental. MIL has 12 trees in her yard, and the amount of debris strewn about, it's probably 2' thick .. to wade through leaves, limbs/twigs, etc. DH even commented that he's glad it isn't him having to do it.
Nieces cloaked concern. She rarely spends anytime w/her mother or father. Lives right there in the same town .. but she is so busy with her own life .. her parents are incidental non-concerns to her. Other than when she's off and gone on another trip and needs a dog sitter for her 3 dogs. So this whole "concern" .. I'm not buying it for a minute. Where is this "so concerned" niece, .. she obviously has all the time off in the world, to go all the time on jaunts here and there .. why none here, to look after her g'mother? There hasn't been a single one of those, not one! She is "so concerned" alright. Concerned MIL would arrive there with her dog and step on the free dog sitting services she has in her mom. That's where the real truth is.
Believe me, ... I can feel it, the having been thrust right back into it all. It's palpable. I was thrust back into all of this by a weather emergency. Had I known that monster storm was going to do what it did, that $450 plane ticket would've been spent no problem .. I'd of probably spent $1K to send MIL on her way, like it or not. I didn't know the storm was going to turn more in our direction. That's the thing with these storms .. one can never predict with any real pinpoint accuracy where it's going, until it's so late that you are now, one of those folks you see on the news, sitting in gridlock traffic trying to escape .. and running out of gas, there are no gas stations available .. and you are stuck. Had I known (but no one ever does), I wouldn't of been in this predicament.
I will not be again. I will keep pushing this agenda .. that she be shipped off, for at least a portion of hurricane season. No, we don't ever know that we might or might not have a storm lobbed at us .. in our direction, .. but what's the worst that happens, she spends some time with her daughter, at her daughter's home. Oh God forbid!
My mom, locally, has sold her condo here and is moving to another state with her b'friend .. and if I have to flee a hurricane again, you can bet where you'll find me. I won't even have to spend $ for my own lodging, and I will be with others .. rather than fleeing alone .. and being scared .. all alone in a hotel room as I watch the devastation occurring on the news channels.
DH is going to be told that I've weathered this 2 x's now, it's someone else's turn .. she is to be shipped off .. next year when hurricane season rolls around, .. or if not .. then count on it, take it to the bank, I will not be here. I don't wanna be here anyway, it's too frightening with that wind howling and rain driving sideways, tornadoes touching down all over the place .. it's horrible.
I will be backing my way right on back outta this whole thing. I won't be in the middle of it. I had to at least be present in this setting .. because I made the wrong call and nixed that plane ticket .. and didn't send MIL on her way, .. or follow dd and her family out of state. My call to make, and I made the wrong one. I was here.
I wasn't helping .. not really. I spent a lot of time, once it was safe to do so, in my car .. in the AC and charging my phone. And driving around, and sitting under a shade tree somewhere (in my car). DH .. it was mostly his to deal with. And so be it.
I am seeing through this yard duty that I hired out .. I didn't want him to do it, and he would've .. so I've hired it out and I'm seeing that through, which entails that I be on site while they are working to do that. Then I'm gonna be like not present in any of the goings on. Like it was before the hurricane.
Looking forward to having my own life back.
However - I tend to think the vast majority of men are nonconfrontial by nature. Or maybe I just scare the chit out of the ones I meet? Anyhoo - I think they like to sail along smooth waters, maintaining an acceptable status quo with no confrontations or upheaval. Plus, if they can be seen as The Good Guy - it's a cherry on their sundae.
Hence - I don't think Dorkers dh will be forcing any issues until he's - well, forced to. It's the nature of the beast, I'm afraid.
Dorker has taken the lion's share, Dh is not used to dealing with the mundane day-today stuff, and now suddenly he is. Plus the clean up, plus trying to work.
Personally, I wouldn't CARE what SIL's daughter wanted--she's not even in the picture except as a freeloader, IMHO. I still think SIL should get herself to FL and DEAL with this.
The point about DH's hubby having a stroke or heart attack from stress--it's true. My brother cares for my mother in his home. It's by his CHOICE, no one forces or asks him to do it--but his health has suffered terribly. Several "heart episodes" severe depression, anxiety, diabetes.... He can't see it, he has a weird twisted relationship with mother--she didn't want to have him, he knows it, (it's no secret about which of her 6 kids she "wanted" and which she DID NOT)..in a way, now he has complete control over her, he can make her life miserable or fine, whatever suits him.
It would be beyond sad if Dorker's hubby were to suffer physically from the stress---and I bet he already is. BUT--he has to man up and be a lot tougher with his mom. He hasn't yet, but maybe it's coming. We can only hope. I get the feeling he's a little terrified of her.
No joke, guys. What is it, 40% of all caregivers die before the folks they are caring for?
Dorker, it may be time not just to step back, but to step up and protect your husband's health.
You're right back in the path of it all.....but it seems to be getting clearer, ,right? MIL is running the show once again center of attention. Whether she "says" her Dd drives her crazy--she's probably telling Dd that YOU and DH are driving her crazy. I'd bet money on that.
This is just all too much to take in...again, I am thinking of the THOUSANDS and THOUSANDS of people displaced/ruined by this Hurricane and your MIL sits on her throne and waves her wand. IS she truly that clueless as to the ravages wrought by this storm? And does she really think she is so special she deserves the kind of fussing and hand holding she demands? (I think that MIL and SIL have one sick twisted relationship, but that's just my opinion).
There is this amazing thing you can do, my kids discovered it a long time ago: It's called "call screening". I call them, they see it's me and they don't respond. I text them and same thing, they don't respond. Yeah, it's rude, b/c sometimes I have something to tell them, and I NEVER call screen them---but it one heck of an effective tool to keep your "unwanted" contacts at bay. In this case, it would be me.
I have been trying to talk to my daughter who lives in VA for 2 months. She has not returned a single phone call or text. I don't know if she's mad at me (she frequently is) or that she is struggling with the first trimester of a pregnancy in a new city...(she doesn't even KNOW I KNOW she's pregnant!) or what--there is literally NO communication. She does this all the time.
Point it---you can call the shots. If SIL doesn't like the way you're "running the show" tell her to get her butt to FL and deal with it herself. THEN DON'T ANSWER ANY CALLS OR TEXTS. Period. I mean, let Dh know you're doing this, but he can do it too.
The micromanaging from afar is just the last straw. I'd never answer SIL
s calls again. Does she LIVE on her freaking phone? Doesn't she have a life of her own? I truly am befuddled by this weird relationship she has with her mother.
Anyhow--good luck with the cleanup. I'd make a real point to MIL that if she wasn't living in a whole HOUSE she wouldn't have this mess to clear up and be worried about. But I imagine this would fall on deaf ears. She's "managed" so far, I guess now you just have to wait for the "big one", the trip to the ER 'cause she won't take her meds, the big fall, another storm......
Take care of yourself, as best you can. Glad you can come here to vent. We don't judge. You're sounding frantic..but at least MIL's out of the house with that "dog".
MIL's house is worthless, right, thanks to the reverse mortgage? Sounds like way too much upkeep to be worth it.
SIL sounds incredible...well, mentally ill in one way and/or another. I think it's safe to assume that MIL will never actually go and live with her or near her. SIL doesn't really want her there, M doesn't want her there, and MIL herself doesn't want to live there.
Looks like a medical crisis resulting in placement in a nursing home is the only way out of this.
But then, I'm not nice.
I did, as a means of getting this off DH's radar .. go ahead and hire a couple of young men to see to the yard at MIL's.. will be meeting them there later this afternoon.
Communicated this to SIL .. (because DH is sorry at doing so). Wanted her to know that issue is in the pipeline to be addressed, so she'd leave DH alone about it.
When I did so, .. (it's never good enough for her). She said the following: "Oh good, ok, well when they come, would you see if they'd go out to the farther reaches in the back and drag out those other limbs back there that me and my husband didn't get to when we were there. We both went back there and waded thru all the fern coverage, .. scared to death of snakes .. but we did what we could, if you could have them do that too, I'd be willing to pay extra".
How about not micromanaging what goes on here.
I responded to her: "I will see how it goes, I haven't at this point seen the mess of her yard, it may be that is even more than they want to deal with once I look at it, I don't know .. but .. the other issue, as you just mentioned .. it's known that snakes are back there, or can be. You guys couldn't even do it, and if you lived here, you'd hear it .. on the radio all the time, they talk about the incidence of snake bite goes up after hurricane clean up. Wild animals get displaced from their habitats and snakes are part of that, and people are out clearing yard debris and get snake bitten .. it's on the radio here all the time. I'm not going to knowingly send two young men into a spot that I know has snakes in it, or has .. so we'll see.
She said, "oh, okay, well, .. if they're able to do it...".
I said: "I haven't even seen the yard yet, and what the mess is that needs clearing .. they may run like the wind when they see it, I don't know, .. we'll just see".
So that took care of that.
Now, .. I was the one to take MIL some groceries yesterday when DH took her home. Why did I get involved at all? DH was working, the first day he'd been able to get back to work at all, with all the mess we've endured here. And of course, that's the day they get her power back on, of course. I let DH know that her power was back on and he said he'd take her home when he gets in (works for me, I was in the middle of cooking dinner, and wasn't going to drop everything - even though I was ready for her to go - she was ready to go).
Hanging out there, the need to go replenish her fridge, since DH had gone there and emptied it.
I told him, "when you get her home, you'll need to run to the grocery to get her some things, since all her perishables are gone now". He responded: "I'm going to be doing good to get her home, I have a church meeting tonight I have to be there .... I can wait and just take her home tomorrow, when I have time to also go to the store, .. don't want her there with nothing to eat".
AT THAT POINT I STEPPED IN: "No can't you miss the church meeting, they will understand you've had your aged mother for refuge in this storm and you need to get her back home and situated". His answer: "I missed the last one, because I was dealing with hurricane preparedness .. I have to go". I then said, "Ok, you get her home, .. I'll cover a plate of what we're having for dinner here, so she'll have some dinner once you get her there, and once I get done with dinner and clean up, I'll go to the grocery for her, and run it out there".
I was motivated to do so, because I want her back in her home, not here. Whatever it takes at this point.
And so I went to MIL told her the plan .. asked for her debit card and asked her to tell me what she needs.
She gave me a list of a few things, she didn't want a lot. Just like bread, eggs, milk, some fruits. Nothing big. MOW will now resume, now that she's back in her home, so she doesn't need a lot.
SO, again .. in the interest of getting this off of DH .. which I know I shouldn't do .. I let SIL know that we would be bringing her mother home (SIL is the one that told me they have power .. how did she know, because she's in touch with the neighbors there, from 1K miles away). Power restored there about 4:00 PM yesterday .. and that's when SIL had sent me a text to let me know power was on in her mom's neighborhood now.
So, to try to get this off of DH, which I know .. I shouldn't do .. it should ALL be on him to manage .. but see above, .. it falls on me, if doesn't/can't .. (he was going to a church meeting and all to willing to have her stay an add'l night, so that he could then accommodate what else needed doing).
So now, my knowing how SIL is .. and knowing that she would be aware that MIL would be wanting to return home, next up on the radar would be her burning up the flagpole that her mother has no food to return home to, .. that one of us needs to see about that when we take her home (like we're idiots that don't know that piece in all this). So I texted SIL to let her know that DH was taking her home .. and that I would be going later with her debit card, .. to pick up a few things for her, she'd already given me a list of what she needs, just a few things.
DO YOU KNOW SHE THEN SENT ME A GROCERY LIST of what SHE THINKS I SHOULD GET FOR HER MOTHER?!??!?!?
She then texted me, with a laundry list of various asundry things that I should pick up, like I don't have the good sense to ask her mother, who is right here in my house with me, what does she want from the store.
Infuriated me.
I responded, "I've already gone over with her, what she needs, got it taken care of".
She then, .. "oh okay .. well tell her that I did cancel that doctor appointment for her, .. told them she'd call them back if she wishes to reschedule".
BUT .. that ... above .. the micromanaging .. from afar. Telling me what groceries to get for her mother, from 1K miles away .. seriously?!??!?!?!? Her mother is right here in the same house with me, I can ask her what does she want. Do you have to be up in all this to that degree??!?!?! And I go and arrange to get the yard cleaned up ... (if the guys don't run for the hills when they see it, I've now seen it, and it's a mess, huge mess to clean up), and for her to then ask if they'll go out to the far reaches in the back where there is fern coverage and drag out those tree limbs that lay back there ... (tree limbs that long ago fell .. long long ago, and lay there rotting .. because they are so far back in what is fern coverage in the back reaches of her yard).
Just unbelievable!
It IS a wonder that I haven't snapped on her, .. and I know some here on this forum, would've long ago done just that. Sometimes I feel as though maybe I should.
You know this is all going to keep swirling and swirling don't you? Nothing will change until your MIL or DH forces a change - and a medical emergency might be that force.
Keep us posted -
Hubby knows if MIL comes through the front door you will exit the back so just keep reinforcing that. May be even contact a few realtors and leave listings around the house or circle the rentals in the local paper and leave it on his chair.
I would call and tell her to stop micromanaging your husband's life from afar. I'd say simply "stop his constant communication to DH about what has to be done. We are here on site. We will decide what's important to do, and what we have the energy and time to do. If you want it different, come here and do it yourself".
To MIL...." Do you realize how much extra work DH has to do because you still live in a big single family house? You need to downsize to an apartment"
Or maybe, I just don't handle stress as well as some do.
Other thoughts that come to mind as observations in the last few days. MIL talking of the following.
I was lamenting at one point, we'd been sitting outside ... generator running, loud as hell that thing is. And SIL texted me (not knowing that DH was right there, same room), .. "can you let H know that I sent him a long text .. he needs to read it to mother, it's about my follow up on her upcoming doc appointments and some questions she had .. and the MOW folks, he needs to read that to her, would you let him know".
He was sitting right there, I read to him (his mom right there also) what she'd written me. He responded: "I already did it".
At that his mother then with "That daughter of mine! She will drive you absolutely over the edge". Which then opened a conversation about how she will dog you to the ends of the earth being so hyper vigilant about every bit of minutia one can think of and then some.
I hadn't responded to the above, I only said what I did to DH, who then let me know that he'd already done so. I guess I was kinda thinking maybe it'd be helpful if he'd pick up his cell and return a text to his sister the worry wart, that he has already read said message to mother. He didn't do so, and I didn't suggest otherwise. Nor did I respond at all.
BUT ...
Then another text, .. dogging on it, like a dog on a bone .... as we sat there, speaking .. all of us, the dialogue about how she will chew on an issue and get it to it's finite detail and dog you to the ends of the earth, .. that was the dialogue ongoing between myself, and DH and his mom. Then comes another text from her, had to do with yard debris clean up need, .. as well as the fridge/freezer that needs cleaning out.
DH had already, more than once, let her know, he is aware of those items and will see to them .. that had been addressed.
But it's almost like SIL thinks she is dealing with kids .. kids that need repeated reminders, lest we forget or be somehow inattentive to the issue dujour, thus the repeated running it up the flagpole. SIL already had been told .. that will be handled.
Here she was, .. running that one up my flagpole, via text, I suppose .. one can only guess .. maybe she'd done so again, via DH .. who hadn't responded, at all.
NOW ....................... MIL had been here with us, no power, no landline phone, .. the only way she got to talk to her daughter was if one of us handed her our cell phone (which she requested only one time, and that was a simple phone call on a call to a doctor's office about a question, that's the only reason that MIL ever called SIL .. at all .. and I was right there, nothing was mentioned by MIL as to prompting that someone should see about her fridge/freezer, and her yard debris .. that never got mentioned by MIL as an issue on her forefront).
But it sure was by SIL .. issue #1 ......... like, wanting it done yesterday, and the repeated reminders.
And here we were .. discussing that very thing about SIL, myself and DH and his mom, how she will get on an issue, or four of them, .. and dog you to death about it.
My phone ding ding dinging with more texts .. and MIL said "that's probably my daughter again", as we'd only moments before covered the ground about the long mssg sent to DH that needs to be read to mother and him responding to me (not to his sister) that he'd done so already. And here we were, ding ding ding, .. more texts coming from SIL. These had to do with the yard debris, as well as the fridge/freezer .. and that we need to see about those items also.
MIL said, "that's probably MY DAUGHTER". I picked it up .. and yes it was.
I read it out loud.
DH said ... "SHE IS UNBELIEVABLE!!!!".
I chimed in, "She needs help .. something is wrong with her".
DH then: "it's unbelievable how she does, I've already told her that I'm aware the yard will need to be addressed and the fridge and freezer .. I've already told her!".
MIL: "Now I want you guys to see, .. I hate this, I absolutely hate it .. this is not me .. I am not on the phone with her burning up the phone telling her that I need this and that, .. I don't do that .. I know how she is ... in fact, a lot of times, she's one that says, "well call H .. see if H can do that for you", and I tell her ..... NO .. I am not calling him, he is busy .. but you know her .. she is all over it ... I swear .. I don't know what to do with her, you tell her to leave it alone .. and it does no good .. I hope you guys see that it's not me, this isn't me .. prompting her to crawl up you guys' backside to get it done, I have nothing to do with this".
Me: "You know, .. it is really really annoying .. we are not children that need repeated reminders of what needs doing, we know it, we speak it .. and that doesn't stop it, and I find it extremely annoying, she needs help".
DH: "She has like OCD or something, she needs help"
Me: "Ya know, I've told her before, go get on Zanex or something you need to calm down".
MIL: "I hope you guys see, .. this isn't me doing this, I didn't prompt any of this, I worry .. I wish she wouldn't do this .. she does it all the time, .. she gets an on an issue and I know she bugs the ever loving shit out of you guys .. and it wasn't me that had her do that".
That whole conversation going on.
So then it got dropped.
Then later, MIL says to me, just in conversation about her daughter. "You know, .. I hate it so that she bugs you guys the way she does ... I know why she does it, .. she feels so guilty .. she's so far away and she worries so about me, .. and she isn't here .. you know, she'd been after me a week or so ago, about some doctor appointment and wanting me to go and I didn't think it was necessary and her chewing my ear off about it, and I finally told her that I am not going, .. it's just too hard for me to run to all these doctors and all these procedures, it has to be something vital if I'm going to do it, .. and she kept on and kept on, until I told her, *damnit if you think it's that important then you get your ass on a plane and get down here and get me to all these things*. I have the good sense to know .. I know she bugs the life out of you guys and I can only say I'm sorry if I could change it I certainly would. I try to head her off at the pass and have her not bother you guys .. but it does no good, you see how she is .. I know how she does you guys".
I told her, "well it is supremely annoying". She said she realizes that.
Having said all that, is MIL guilty of thinking out loud which then sets in motion the worry wart, to chew on and dog an issue up the flagpole .. you bet she is. MIL happens to mention something just in their 3 an 4 x's a day talking .. and that sets it in motion. Should MIL know better than to do that? Yes, if she is the "sound mind" that I'm to believe she is (she is not, she is not of sound mind and function). So, in some cases, all of this .. directives coming from SIL 1K miles away .. some cases, it's born out of MIL just thinking out loud, .. the flower bed that is full of weeds, the arbor outside that is overgrown with the jasmine planted there, .. the plant that has gone wild and needs trimming ... on and on it goes. MIL thinking out loud then becomes something SIL raises up the flagpole routinely, repeatedly, until it's addressed. But in some cases, see above .. it's SIL and SIL alone initiating it.
How does SIL even know, from 1K miles away that yards are wreck and need attention? Because .. she is in touch with the neighbors. I'm sure the last raindrop hadn't fallen before she was on the phone with neighbors wanting to know how her mom's home/property fared in it all. The neighbor next door (the one who did the yard debris clearing on his own .. of the front yard, that's already done) .. that neighbor .... had been kind enough to come and board up the french doors prior to the storm .. and so she was in touch with them, as to how the place fared, her mom's place. That neighbor sent text pictures to SIL. So, SIL fully aware of the scene there. How did she know with fridge/freezer .. a need to get that emptied ...??...because she was aware that almost the entire state of FL is without power.
Thus, running THAT up our flagpole, repeatedly.
As another note to the above, .. it's interesting to be in the middle of all this ... and see both sides of it all, very extremely stressful, but interesting.
I know that MIL also expressed to me, just in conversation on the above, about how her daughter bugs the life out of us, .. that her daughter says to her, .. as if DH is just waiting in the wings for the next chore ... she says to me, MIL does .. "call H .. you need to call H, he can take care of that for you", and she responds, "I am not calling him, he is busy, I am not going to bother him ... leave him alone", and that SIL will say, "well he needs to come see about that for you, I'll call him". And that SIL says to her mother, "well he's your son .. that's what he needs to be doing", (as if he isn't doing enough to suit SIL).
Being in the middle of it all here. I know the other side of that equation .. which is what had me out in front of this for so so so long. He does not have the time .. (look no further than her having to now enlist the help of the housekeeper to get her mom to doc appts., he doesn't have time to do that, and I know he doesn't, knew he didn't, thus I was out in front of it, for a long long long time, stepp'n'fetchin. Til recently.
I know his world, and his time and energy level .. I knew when I stepped away from it all, this sticky biz would ensue. Not a surprise.
I remember talking to DH about it, my stepping away from it all, and him insisting he would step up .. he'd just have to do it. And my saying to him, "you don't have time .. you don't .. that's why I've done it for so long .. and you don't have the time to deal with your sister in your ear several times a day either .. that's what I deal with in all this horse squeeze and I'm over it .. you don't have the time to do ... and I'm done doing it, .. and you will have your sister now crawling up your backside all the time for all the *wants/whims*, and why haven't you done so and so, and when can you see about such and such .. ".
He had responded, "let her bark up my tree .. I'll tell her to come on down here and walk a mile in my shoes .. she doesn't know my world .. she better not crawl up my ass, she'll have her's handed to her if she does".
So you sit in the middle of all this. MIL explaining that she is not the impetus for all this, it's her daughter that does this .. and she wishes she wouldn't. You get a text from SIL asking you to tell DH so and so (her not knowing DH was sitting right there), obviously she'd sent him whatever directive and he'd not responded to her as to whether he'd even read it or cared .. (he seems to do a lot of that, ignore what is sent his way), oh he'll address whatever it is, but he doesn't answer to her as to whether he has seen to it, or intends to see to it. Leaves her twisting in the wind, as they say.
And me over here, aware .. that's how she is .. and dealt with it a long long long time .. and knowing he can't, .. doesn't have the time OR the inclination to do so, his sister and her OCD or whatever the hell her problem is. And my knowing, being in the middle of it all, .. that he is just not inclined to get all twisted up about any of it. She sends a need/directive his way .. he may or may not answer her, .. and he may or may not consider it an issue that needs addressing right now, by GOD stop the presses. And my knowledge that there is this school of thought on her part, that he's her son .. he should BY GOD be jumping .. like YESTERDAY OR SOONER and have gotten whatever done .. or answer to her, as to when he will.
Interesting place to be. Stressful though. Very.
How I wish he'd pick up the phone and call his sister and tell her that if she thinks all this is so by GOD important to run up our backsides several times a day, then she needs to figure out how to move here and see to it herself. How I wish he'd do that.
That door has been slammed shut and nails driven thru it.
He knows that.
Interesting this morning (he is so exhausted though .. just beyond going ... from the whole ordeal we've weathered). He was mostly dozing over his coffee, trying to wake up and join the living. He said that he told his mother when he dropped her off .. "we may need to talk about next year, as hurricane season approaches, getting you to sister's .. and having you out of harm's way here .. it's just too hard for you".
He said her response was "we may have to do that".
All this "may have to" ... that doesn't sit with me, .. it's not going to be a "may" .. as in it's optional... nope. I am going to keep driving this point home over and over and over and over and over, until it's a "definite". I will be everyone's worst nightmare with all this .. I don't intend to drop it.
Yes, everyone can come back at me with what is a valid argument, "ya know there are times we go years and years and there are no storms at all ... how do we even know, .. we ship her off and there's never even a problem .. that's not fair to do to her, she doesn't even want to go".
My argument to that is .. "no, we don't know, we may go another umpteen years with no storm, .. but what the h*ll is the harm in her going to spend some time with her daughter, in her daughter's home .. and give us some respite from her constant need, .. storm or not, .. what the hell is wrong with that?".
Oh I'm sure, see above on the dog issue .. with M. I'm sure that will be resisted as a cloaked "Oh we don't even know that she'll need to be here and she doesn't want to .. ". I'm sure that's coming.
Generally that would be DH's to go and see about. Not this time. I have located a couple of young men, thru my church, willing to do, for $, . the yard debris clean up and I personally took that on. I will go meet them there this afternoon. It will require that I stay there, to attend to making sure they do what they are being paid to do (these are guys about 19 yo), the thought they'd decide to horse around and not do what they are paid to do, enough impetus for me to stay there. And, .. MIL ... rational or irrational .. a skepticism on her part of "who are these boys and what do we know about them. I don't know that I like being alone in my home, with two young men in the b'yard". So I will stay on site and make sure clean up is accomplished, and pay them.
Why did I take this off of DH and take the bull by the horns? Because he does enough damnit ... (now mind you, he also helps aged folks at church, helps at the church itself with maintenance, .. he also help dd and son in law with things myriad as car repairs, .. and/or home maintenance .... he is stretched so thin. He also has our home to care for. And working for a living .. manual labor. He is stretched far too thin and seemingly doesn't have the good sense to say enough is enough. He just keeps going .. and I get the remnants of a husband too exhausted to even hold a conversation without dozing off.
Thus, I took this issue on, head-long ..to head it off so that he would have one less thing to do on his list.
How this came about in discussion with MIL, as to DH and his well being.
She and I were sitting having a sandwich and she began to talk about he worry about DH .. "you know he works too hard, he never stops ... he has so many things pulling at him .. all the time, I worry about his health, he can't keep going at the rate he does".
I wanted to say to her, "YES and YOU ARE PART OF THAT". But .. trying to be nice .. I only responded, "Yes you're right, I worry too, he has too much on him .. all the time, and thus the mess in your yard .. that is going to be handled on Friday afternoon by some young guys from our church .. I'm taking that off of him, .. he can't keep the pace he does .. it's not fair to him".
She agreed with me, that he keeps a hellish pace .. but, of course, never recognizing that she is part of that equation, not acknowledging that fact.
I'm sure .. somewhere underlying all that is her wish .. that he would be free to be at her beckon call .. limitless.
And yes, she has a son that has gone no-contact, 8 plus years ago. I will never forget his words .. "I'm not going to be her whipping boy". That really puzzled me, .. how could he say such things ... "whipping boy?" .... what's the matter with him, .. he must be somehow unhinged, she doesn't deserve this treatment, .. "whipping boy?", what is that, .. why does he say that, ..
I now get it.
He is no contact with any of us ... good thing, because I'd like to give him, at this point, a nod of "I now get it, I understand".
Also of note in all of this mess we're just now beginning to come out of.
SIL
Along the lines of her "one more gadget, one more this or that" ...
DH told her that she'd not been taking her Lasix here, "too hard to get to the bathroom".
I was talking with SIL and she asked me about the above .. and why is it so hard for her to get to the bathroom. I told her, "this is not the best place for her to be in these kins of situations, I keep telling you guys, but you don't seem to hear me .. there are cords stretched out to power items here, .. from the generator, .. those are trip hazards .. there is a step up to get to the commons area of our home, . a step back down to return to the den .. you know steps .. it's like climbing a mountain to her ... the step down, out into the screen room, where we also spend a lot of time, you might as well be asking her to step off a 10 foot roof .. that's about how hard it is for her, ... "
SIL's response: "oh you guys don't have grab bars there installed".
Not .. "oh yea I can see that would be a problem .. it really is just not a good setting for her, we are going to HAVE TO find a way to get her out of harm's way in the future"..... or something akin to that as a response. Nope. One more gadget .. one more this or that. No, I won't be installing grab bars in my home. That isn't going to happen, period. And yes, I asked her if she does in her home, and she said no, .. but she has that task assigned presently, to her handyman .. that he is to come do so, for her husband .. who now has a bit of mobility issue (not nearly as bad, by a long shot .. as MIL). But no, not an option as to installing grab bars here, not doing it, period.
Also of note, .. SIL aware MIL was slipping on hardwood floors ...her response: "Oh she should've brought her hospital socks ..maybe one of you could run go get those for her". Again, .. not a response of .. "gee ya know, it sounds like it's really too much of a struggle for her to be in that environment". Nope.
One more gadget, one more this or that .. always.
Also .. this, I thought was interesting .. I was kinda vaguely aware in the b'ground of this whole issue. But talking with MIL ..
She began talking about SIL's daughter .. this would be the first born g'daughter to MIL.
Set the stage here. That g'daughter .. let's call her M. She lives in the same city as her mother, 1K miles away from here. She has a great job ... one that affords her a whole helluva lot of time to do as she pleases. And .. she does so. She travels .. a LOT .. recreationally. A LOT LOT LOT. M's b'friend .. his job takes him to locations where M would find it desirable to meet up with said b'friend for a weekend of whatever fun can be had when b'friend isn't working .. and she does so, frequently.
M also is an animal lover. Has 3 dogs.
Who watches the 3 dogs when M is doing all this recreational travel. Her mom, SIL.
So, .. in talking with MIL .. she imparted the following. "You know M, she is always calling to check on me, and every time she calls .. she is always asking me .. that I'm not going to need to come up there, right .. you are going to be alright and not have to come here right ...". MIL goes on to say, "I know what that's all about, .. I'm not stupid ..... she doesn't want me coming there to her mom's and being a problem as to her available dog sitter .. you know, she goes all the time .. she's always on the go .. going somewhere, she has a trip to Mexico coming and another one to Vegas .. and another one that she's going to San Francisco .. she has those 3 right now on her radar just in the next couple of months, but that's her .... she loves to travel .. and when she does, those dogs get unloaded on her mother, you know that right? .. and you know her mother (SIL) .. she never says no to those kids ..... she would never tell M, no, I'm not watching your 3 dogs, .. that would never happen. So M . of course she's worried sick that I'll head up that way and there goes her free dog sitting service".
So, you see, .. from where I sit ... of course you have to understand that SIL is all about .. not ever saying no .. never/ever. NEVER. From where I sit, it looks and smells an awful lot like SIL herself would like to do everything possible to keep MIL firmly entrenched HERE and not then be put in the position of MIL being there with her dog under foot .. because MIL will not go anywhere .. she WILL NOT .. that her dog doesn't go ... it won't happen. Well now, here comes MIL to stay, her dog in tow .. and now M wants a dog sitter as she flits off or a long weekend .. and her 3 dogs dumped on SIL .. and SIL might actually have to struggle to find the word "no" in her vocabulary .. something she isn't able to do, SIL isn't/won't. Say no to her daughter .. heaven forbid .. no, that wouldn't happen. So now, you'd have not one dog, but 4 dogs!!!!!!! under foot, one of the 3 belonging to M is large and rather rambunctious .. and that kind of dog .. it could prove problematic for an elderly there suffering from balance issues .. as that rambunctious dog tears out through the house .. it could easily knock MIL off her feet .. easily .. or her trying to navigate around the house with 4 dogs all running amok.
Looks and smells to me that SIL would maybe prefer, under the surface ... to keep MIL here .. maybe even to her own peril .... rather than stare down the barrel of telling her almost 40 yo daughter that took on 3 dogs of her own accord .. that the dogs are HER responsibility period ..and NO .. I can't watch your dogs.
Kinda smells of that to me, but maybe I'm wrong. I don't think so though.
MIL imparting the above to me, to let me know that she's not stupid .. she sees that if M can keep her (MIL) firmly planted down here .. then her dog sitting service will be at her disposal on that end .. and MIL saying: "I have told her no, I am not coming there, you don't have to worry about that". But .. seems like M asks this each time she calls, weekly .. to supposedly ... "check on her g'mother".
All the different dynamics in all of this, .. all to say that things will never change. SIL is always going to be about one more gadget, one more doc visit, one more pill, one more procedure/test, one more .. one more .. one more .. one more. Never recognizing that you can have all the gadgets in the world . doesn't matter when you have someone who is as compromised as she is.
All while you have her son, DH .. and he (it actually makes me sad for him, .. because it's a real dichotomy .. the two varying perspectives) .. he is sad when he thinks .. and can remember his mom .. that was so very young and none of these problems .. none of them! It makes him sad .. sad for her .. that her life is now about the struggles she deals with ... when he can remember a much more able/capable/strong mom.
That makes me sad for him. I don't have that perspective, at all. I knew her, obviously being a part of this family for decades .. I knew her when she didn't have all these problems .. and I should be able to gather that perspective myself .. having been on the scene myself when her issues were not part of the picture. But I don't have that perspective .. not even a little bit. My perspective .. is much more harsh and resentful .. resentful that no one .. not her, ..not her son, not her daughter .. not one of them, .. will see the compromised condition and the burden this puts on others .. not one single person in this whole scenario .. and I am resentful .. not at all, the perspective DH has on it.
(My pointing out that I was going to break my hip geting to her hadn't impressed her).
I wonder if a quiet conversation with MIL, or a note explaining your concerns about your husband's health might have any effect on her. Or maybe one of her grandchildren having this conversation with her.
I think it's time for you to tell her the straight dope. Not angrily. Just the facts, ma'am.
Children of narcissistic mothers are damaged goods. Keeping Mommy happy and un-rageful is the purpose of their existence. They think that if Mommy gets angry, the world will end.
Mommy has an endless, open maw of neediness that needs to be fed, all the time. It is the job of the children to keep that maw content. Stop feeding it? The world blows up. So you give it what it demands.
With a great deal of therapy, coaching and self-knowledge, it IS possible for some folks to break free of this pattern. Some folks are strong enough on their own to go total "no contact" (you have a brother in law who did that, yes?)
The takeaway: The Yellow Bedroom cannot be MIL's escape space. It cannot be MIL's recovery room. It cannot be MIL's new home.
Congratulations, Dorker! You have a trump card. Play it as needed.
And don't listen to one fool word about throw rugs or wall-to-wall carpeting. You're not "going there."
Stand firm!
Truthfully, .. she isn't orchestrating all the directives from SIL, at least not in this instance. She didn't even have the means to talk to SIL .. unless she called one of us, on our cell phones .. our home phone/landline, was out. So, all the many directives coming from afar, were from SIL solely, at least in this instance.
Now to deal with the roof damage sustained in this storm (roof was already aged, but functioning just fine, but now we have some shingles that blew up). I'm so glad to have my house back to myself.
But actually dreading, with more dread than a human should really have .. what will I do the next time .. (if there is a next time, and there could be). What will I do?
Obviously, nothing is going to change ... MIL is going to be allowed to call the shots .. that she isn't going anywhere. It's doubtful even that she'd come here again, my slippery floors .. my step up to get to the commons area of the home. My sofa she can't get up and out of (she can't get off any seated anything), the guest bed that's side is too soft and she slides trying to get into the bed, .. just so many problem with her coming here.
So, the next time, it will play out that she will stay home .. she will insist that she'll be fine .. unable to do anything with her (because they won't be forceful), then I will be left to either evacuate on my own .. or weather it all, on my own, as she then beckons for DH .. and he has to go see about his aged mother who refused to leave her home.
I'm betting that will be the way it plays out, the next time.
If we had anything close to what that was, this last storm, I don't want to be here. Far too frightening. Not only that, but the aftermath of living in the wake of a hurricane and all creature comforts gone, coupled with geriatric care. I don't want to be here.
For the life of me, I will never understand why she can "REFUSE" to go to her daughter's .. and they honor that, repeatedly. Even in the face of the whole aftermath of this mess we just endured.
I just don't get it.
Say it to Sil after her next rant. " Sis, you do realize that all of this need, this unreasonableness, these are manifestations of dementia? You see that, right?"
Just keep saying it. Don't argue. Don't press it, don't shout it. Just say it after every "mother needs...."
And when they run out of steam say "well, you could take her for an evaluation of her reasoning skills, if you think she's thinking straight. Why don't you arrange that? See what the professionals think".
" Let them decide if she's safe."