I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
My brother has gone no contact with my dad for 30 years - i completely get why. My step mother will try to get involved and get me involved or ask why and see if we can't help them recover their relationship, etc. I do not get involved - i just tell her it is between my dad and brother. My sister tries to get involved - it just ends up with my brother getting angry with them and my dad doing his usual fake posturing. No change.
It sounds like alot of issues in the family - your commitment is to your DH. Let the rest of them swirl in the mire. MIL not taking her diuretic medication will cause her to end up in the nursing home, if not worse, before long.
No way I would even attempt a fix on whatever the source is for BIL and the troubles there. Stay away from it with a 10' pole. I tried, .. originally, approaching .. since he would, seemingly, only answer my phone call. Once he said that, when he returned my call (numerous others had tried and got nothing in response) "you all should consider me dead". I left him alone. Not my tragic state of affairs to fix. Nor am I capable of doing so.
I was, of course, there on the scene when we popped that surprise visit on BIL. I stayed mum though. Let DH do the talking, and it did no good.
Where before, he'd of been thrilled to see us, and invited us to stay a while .. the weekend maybe .. and he'd of been all about getting something to grill out .. none of that was the case. In fact, it felt very uncomfortable to be there, .. obvious ... he didn't want us there. We left, and thankfully, there was no big scene.
That's the last any of us have heard of him. MIL .. we didn't even tell her, for a very long long time that we'd done that. Finally we did .. and she was relieved, to at least know that he's alive .. (we left out what he'd had to say about her).
Recently, it was rather ironic .. DH encounters all walks of life in his vocation. He'd been somewhere doing a job and that someone asked him, "hey are you related to _________", his estranged brother. He confirmed that yes he is. Turns out this person had been in that vicinity where BIL lives with some friends, and they'd gone out to a bar/restaurant while there, .. with a group local there .. and BIL was part of that group.
That was very recent, so we do know him to be alive and well. He is also, strangely enough .. friends on FB .. with some relatives but he never posts anything personal .. ever .. it's always some joke of some sort ... something funny. Never any pictures of himself with his sons .. or even with friends .. just jokes that he picks up and copies onto FB. I haven't asked to "friend" him .. figure too much controversy there, will leave it be. DH knows that he is on FB .. and he too, chooses not to "friend" his brother. Even though our 3 daughters are "friends" on FB with him, but none communicate with him.
Very very strange. Wish I understood it all, but I long since gave up trying.
Don't understand the "hold" she seems to have over her offspring that "are" part of her life. I have talked to my mom some, she's fully aware of how our lives are run by MIL and her whims. My mother (of course she'd say that now, she's as spry as she was when she was 40 .. and she's 76). She says ... "when my day comes .. you guys put me where I need help, I won't be about running your lives for my selfish b/s like DH's mother is .. that's not what I'm about, I don't understand her, .. I have friends who live in those places and as far as I can tell .. it's not all that bad .. she's just selfish and ridiculous".
People don't separate from parents lightly. I may be taking care of mthr now, but I still have nightmares about things she did.
In fact, my oldest daughter, I still don't know what her dx should be. She was dx'd as bipolar as as a teen, but I think it should've been Borderline Personality Disorder. She was cruel and harmful, .. and threatening.
She did horrible things to her siblings .. awful! She was a nightmare to deal with. Someone who, by all that's right, should've been locked away in an asylum somewhere. But as we know, asylums no longer exist. Haven't for years. She made the youngest daughter use swear words, threatening to beat her up if she wouldn't cooperate (this was when youngest daughter was maybe 4 yo). I wasn't home, heard about it afterwards .. and when youngest daughter then uttered a swear word, she held her down and poured dish liquid in her mouth .. causing her to vomit. I was livid.
She threatened youngest daugher, who has an affinity for piano playing, .. loves it .. oldest mentally ill daughter, wanted her to knock it off, .. she wouldn't. She threatened her with a knife, held it to her throat .. and threatened to kill her. Held her under the bath water and threatened to drown her.
She didn't seem to pick on the middle daughter too much, I don't know why that is. Middle daughter much heartier stock and not as slight as she, maybe she thought a fist fight would ensue and she'd loose, not sure.
I called law enforcement on her, numerous times. Restricting/grounding her did no good, she'd walk out the door and flip a bird at me and tell me to eff off .. rules weren't for her. I called law enforcement on her, numerous times .. here. Was told, more times than I can count, by law enforcement, "Kids will be kids .. they say things in anger, not much we can do". I remember asking one particular lady cop that arrived here after one of the above scenes or one like it, "so you're telling me she has to actually follow through with one of these threats before you all will do anything . that's what you're telling me". The answer was, "unfortunately yes".
Terrifying.
No, it was never acceptable that a sibling treat another that way. But in this case, I was powerless to do much, other than to never leave them alone, unattended, which I rarely go to do.
Yes, in your case, I can certainly understand that you'd reach a point where it's obvious that isn't healthy and to stay engaged in any of it, is not healthy either, and so distance one's self from it.
Who knows in BIL's case what may be there underlying it all. I wasn't around to know.
I do know from the sounds of it, he was the odd duck of the bunch. More sensitive than most, from the sounds of it. I know that she used to take all the kids to the college where she worked, big Olympic size swimming pool there for them to go swimming. Them as little kids. I know that DH always rather athletic and coordinated, and his sister the same, unlike BIL, .. very timid, very shy, very clumsy .. and he'd sit on the side of the pool (there are those that participate in the world at large, and there are those that watch the world go by, that would describe him in those days from what I hear). She, .. MIL .. having none of that, eventually shoved him into the pool .. I guess in a sink or swim kinda thing. That, .. in retrospect .. seems cruel to do to someone who is maybe too sensitive for his own good and too timid .. and him not knowing how to swim.
I know of another story they tell, where he'd built some kinda go kart out of woods and wheels. She'd hauled him and the go kart over to the college where she worked as a sect'y at that time, beautiful campus with steep hills (steep hills not something readily available in FL generally). Set him off on that go kart, only to learn he'd forgotten to put brakes on it. Watched him careen off the road and into a tree, and the thing smashed to smithereens and him in tears .. at the bottom of the hill. And they always laughed about that story and his mom standing at the top of the hill laughing so hard she couldn't breathe.
In retrospect some of these things may have been more damaging than originally thought .. things like this and more that don't ever even get mention.
I know she was also thoughtful though. The tell of one time she picking him up . at kindergarten .. he and many other kids, she did the carpool thing. And he had pooped in his pants .. she knew it the second he got in the car .. the smell. And of course, all the other kids, with the "shoo that stinks, what is that smell, ..", and she covered for him, as the kids all making fun of each other .. she knew darn good and well who did it .. but she covered saying her car must have some problem, going to have to go the mechanic with it. So she was obviously caring also.
Who knows, who can say.
Whatever is at the root of it all, it is irretrievably broken.
My triggering event for no-contact with my mother for nearly 20 years occurred after she informed me that I should let my brother who was upset hit me so he would feel better. This follows years of alcoholic rages and denial of abuse by my stepfather. And yet for years no one in my family "could understand why no contact with my mother". "All families have their little problems." "She was so nice and caring of her children." I was able to manage adult relationship years later after a lot of therapy and supportive spouse. I think BIL is out for the duration because he has figured out that Queen Narcissa is willing to eat her young to get her own way and keep in her own situation. He probably was afraid that he'd get tapped to move in and do hands-on care. And if you are codependent and have issues, saying no consistently may have been more than he could manage over and over and...
That's the extent of any dialogue that took place upon his exit from the scene. Attempts by others to reach out to him, his brother .. his sister, his mom .. who wrote countless letters to him, even apology letters, along the lines of "I don't know what I did, but whatever it is that I've done, I apologize from the bottom of my heart, .. ".
Nothing, no response. Attempts to call him (I don't even know if he has the same cell number anymore, haven't tried in years, no one has) .. all failed. He would screen his calls, I presume, .. and not respond. He did respond to me, .. at least initially, .. back 8 years ago, and return my call. But anyone else who tried, got nothing.
DH and I attended a family funeral up in that region (my family member). On our way back to town, we decided to pop a surprise visit on BIL. BIL who hadn't seen or talked to any of us, in 2 or 3 years. It didn't go real well. We were hoping he'd be glad to see us .. and maybe .. could he possibly be even at a point that he wishes there were some resolution to all this. Wrong.
When we made our way to his house, .. he wasn't there. No one home.
Called his two sons (one lives in NYC and another lives in Los Angeles). Neither knew where he might be at the moment, other than he is in town there .. maybe he was at the grocery, maybe he was at the bar he likes to hang out at, .. they didn't know. Tried to call his ex wife . who he does have something to do with, (they see each other for holidays and the like) .. couldn't get her.
I guess, .. I don't really know to be honest .. maybe one of the son's alerted him, ... I would guess .. we hung around in the vicinity for a while, hoping he'd return. And had stopped at a handy store, to get something when we saw his truck pass by on the road leading to his home (maybe they didn't alert him, don't really know). Sure enough, he went home. Found his truck in the driveway. Knocked on his door, .. and he answered, and his response was, "Knew this day would come sooner or later, come on in".
We did. DH approached the topic .. eventually ... gingerly .. of why he has abandoned their mother and again more vile response .. "she is a "C" word .. I want nothing to do with her .. I told Dorker that you all should consider me dead". DH, who does not feel that way about his mother, . .. found that kinda dialogue to be not palatable, and so we exited. Without a scene. DH asked him to please reconsider, he said he wasn't going to, and that was the end of that scene.
That was probably about 6 years ago, I'd guess. Haven't seen or heard from him since, none of us have. Numerous family members have attempted (long ago, everyone has quit trying) .. but no response, ever .. they've all given up.
No real, in depth dialogue ever had, as to what it is he finds so offensive ... precisely.
I kinda see some of what he finds so off-putting ... at this point, .. having weathered it all myself for far too long. But .. I still .... I do kinda struggle with how you cut off completely and divorce yourself ENTIRELY .. from the whole scene .. and everyone who is a part of that scene. I guess, .. I don't know .. maybe it would be, as he says .. to have anything to do with any of us, would be to be a part of her life and he wants no part of that.
MIL has long since been scared of him since the above. Her, not convinced .. if he's crazy enough to do the above .. is he crazy enough to show up at her door and shoot and kill her, or worse. I think that's kinda being overly dramatic .. on her part (which DH does say of his mother, and he's not wrong .. she should've been an actress .. she'd of been an academy award winning actress). I don't think he even cares enough to drive across town to see her, much less 6 plus hours. I think she is being overly dramatic to even express such. As does DH.
She long ago, went so far as having her locks changed (had DH do it) .. because BIL has a key to her house. No longer .. she has new locks on her doors, long ago that was done. Her scared of what he might be capable of.
My only insight into the above, being a part of this family .. I know he did this one time before and was absent for about two years .. no explanation ever given. Left in the middle of the night, after some exchange of words with his mom .. this after the death of their dad. Here in town for the funeral. The dad lingered in the hospital a month (botched colonoscopy) .. and he was pretty compromised in his health anyway .. didn't survive the botched colonoscopy. Probably shouldn't of even been having routine colonoscopies at that point in his life .. he was already pretty compromised with having had a couple of heart attacks and CHF. The dad lingered in the hospital for a month .. on the edge of death .. and it was said by attending physicians that they've done all they can do for him, he either needs to move to Rehab .. to gain strength (FIL at that point, unable to even ambulate to get out of bed) . or they can consult hospice. FIL at that point, somewhere between lucid and not mostly. Couldn't pass a swallow test ..
MIL made the decision to bring him home, .. either he would die at home, or he would get well ..
BIL, as well as SIL had been here in town, weathering all of this .. through the month of this. We were all taking turns sitting vigil at hospital, with FIL. That included BIL, one time . in that circulation. BIL .. we could see, not suited for that duty. I guess some aren't.
BIL is the funniest most comical human I think I've ever met in my life. I miss that. We all do. But underneath that .. that comedy .. that being a clown (which he always is, never serious, about anything ever) .. what's underneath there, .. the real person, his beliefs, his goals, his morals, his personhood .. no one ever knew .. still don't. He's just busy being funny, all the time. Seems to be the only way he knows how to be, is to be funny (and he is/was, very).
BIL taken out of the rotation of those who sat vigil at hospital ... which he was fine and dandy with, more than fine and dandy. Didn't want to do it.
In fact, one time years before that, MIL had to have surgery on her foot .. and he was asked to come here, to look after her .. he did so, but said at that point, don't ever ask him to do that again, he's not good at it, isn't interested, etc.
BIL spent his time, .. the rest of us working the rotation around the clock . at the hospital sitting vigil .. he spent that time, re-doing their deck outside, .. and painting their living and dining room for them. Probably something that could've waited .. til better days .. but I guess he had to busy himself somehow, that's what he did with himself.
He was there, when FIl was brought home from the hospital .. a hospital bed brought in .. and home health nurse assigned to the case .. and we all chipped in to buy a nice recliner that we hoped he'd be able to join the living .. and be in the presence of all of us and not bedridden in the back in his hospital bed. It wasn't to be.
He died within a week of coming home.
Plans now in the works for a memorial service. And so.... friends coming to pay their respects, etc.
At one point, the minister (who BIL didn't know) stopped by, to talk with MIL .. at that same time, some of their former neighbors had also come by to pay their respects ..
BIL being the comedian he always is .. offered the neighbors (in the presence of the minister) .. "hey you guys, great to see you, haven't seen you guys in years .. can I fix you guys anything to drink, like a rum and coke, .. maybe bourbon .. how about some Quaaludes ...??!??!!?".
We all, of course, know him .. he can't be serious ever .. not even in that setting .. can't be serious. Oh well, it's who he is.
Minister, of course, didn't know him, had never met him. But .. I think probably ministers are used to these settings and probably used to people behaving in all sorts of ways that aren't what you'd consider typical. The minister probably thought little of it, to be honest.
That one exchange (probably years and years of other dirty laundry that he has never put out there for discussion, the BIL) .. that one exchange .. a turning point.
He stayed for the memorial service which was the next day and that night, in the middle of the night, without saying a word, snuck out in the middle of the night to return home. Didn't say goodbye or announce he was leaving, nothing.
When he was phoned .. by SIL and by DH .. as to why the fast exit .. it was nasty. He wanted nothing to do with her, .. he isn't going to be her whipping boy, her whipping boy (the dad) has died, .. and he isn't going to be her whipping boy ... the mother .. knowing that SIl was on the phone with him, picked up the other extension to talk to him, .. I guess not knowing he was being vile .. and she got an earful from him. He said a few choice things to her, and told her he was never coming back .. and that was that. Attempts to reach him, failed .. by all. He was gone, for two years .. no sight of him, not a word from him.
Until .. he did finally begin to come around again. No dialogue took place between he and his mother on the above ..
She tried, .. she says .. now that he had re-entered the scene again. One morning .. when he was here in town, the two of them having breakfast .. she asked him if he'd like to talk about all that (so she says) and he responded, "I don't want to talk about it".
She dropped it. It was never spoken of again.
Him now back on the scene visiting periodically.
I know that he'd gotten put out with MIL, I had too. At one point. That niece we call M .. she was to marry this Wall Street Big Shot .. and they were to have this big fancy shchmancy wedding out in some resort in San Francisco. San Fran is about as far as you can get from FL. We weren't going to attend .. Not something we care to budget for .. not something we could really afford to do, resort where rooms are $300 plus a night, to start .. and rent a car, and flights .. and no .. not something we cared to do. BIL ... here in town .. when M visited with her fiance .. her big shot Princeton and Harvard grad Wall Street guy .. them visiting here. BIL .. who is essentially, pretty much a hermit .. and doesn't go anywhere anyway .. just doesn't care to. Someone could give him an all expenses paid trip to Europe .. and he'd give it away .. he just doesn't care to go anywhere. MIL .. so upset that none of us were really engaged in wanting to attend this shindig (she of course going for sure). Her insisting that she'd pay our way ..still .. BIL nor ourselves .. much interested in it, and telling her so. And her persisting.
Her fawning all over this M and her bigshot Wall Street guy. You'd of thought M brought Jesus Christ himself into the vicinity .. she thought this guy hung the moon (they are now divorced). MIL insistent that we all go, she'd pay for it .. wanting us to go, and meeting a brick wall in myself and DH as well as BIL. BIL had expressed his displeasure to me with all that scene .. that he wanted his mom to drop it .. that he has told her he isn't going .. and he means it, that he wants her out of his ass about it. Me expressing the same.
He was still coming around some in those days .. oh maybe every few months he'd come in town for a long weekend.
This is a guy who never really did much with his life .. other than raise his son .. his wife (now divorced from her) a big wig banking lawyer .. with a national bank chain .. and he was a SAHD .. he floundered around, jumping from college to college .. never graduating. He was a great writer, and a few things published in magazines .. but never really got discovered .. as is the case with most writers.
Fast forward a year or so from that and time for our daughter's wedding, dd.
I think if he'd of had his druthers, he wouldn't of been on the scene for that either, see above, . he's a hermit at heart. That wedding, here in town, not at some other locale with expensive resort accouterments.
Pressure applied for him to be here and be a part of it all, not sure from where, wasn't me, .. I was busy planning and paying for a wedding. Maybe from DH ...maybe his sister, maybe the mom, not sure. He was here, in town for it.
He'd brought along a suit, .. a suit he obviously just bought .. (his nickname is dags .. for "rags" .. because this is a guy who would .. if you saw him, you'd think he is homeless .. he just prefers to run around in cut offs that have ragged edges and holes in them, tshirts that have holes and are long since threadbare .. a real eccentric he is). That's his preferred attire, and to have to even put on a decent pair of jeans to go to dinner out somewhere, .. nah .. he'd just stay home and eat PBJ .. rather than put something on that looks decent. He had obviously gone out and bought a suit to attend this wedding and knowing him he felt like a duck out of water having to wear it .. and not only that .. being the hermit he is .. he probably felt really out of place and uncomfortable even having to be a part of it all .. and attend. Probably would've preferred to stay home .. and not come here at all.
I know, after the fact, there had been a bit of a scene (over reaction on his part, .. but seeing who he is, and how uncomfortable he might've been in this whole thing .. I can see how it happened). I guess, them walking into the church .. SIL could see that the suit jacket .. it still had that thread sewn into the backflap and he hadn't removed that and so she commented on it. He took it off exaggeratedly like .. in anger and ripped the thread from it .. he was angry .. (unnecessarily so, but was probably uncomfortable and on edge anyway).
Then, after the wedding, at the reception .. the photog walking around taking pics .. and wanted a pic of dd's uncle (this BIL) .. he who can't be serious ever ... BIL made a face, a funny twisted contorted face .. just being funny .. and MIL corrected him, "don't don't do that ... stop being silly". (Silly is all he knows). Couple that with the fact that (he and MIL and SIL and SIL's husband all seated at the same table at the reception) .. SIL's husband at that time a little on the manic side, .. and when he is manic, he eats everything not nailed down .. and he is also diabetic .. and I guess SIL's husband took a real interest in the dinner rolls laid out on each table and was eating those and SIL correcting her husband not to do that .. (carbs and diabetes, not good) .. and I guess BIL thought it'd be cute/funny, to keep pushing the dinner rolls at him .. and did so, and so he was corrected by SIL to stop doing that.
I guess it was all more than he could deal with. No confrontation, no anger, no hurt words. Again, he snuck out that night, in the middle of the night, gone. No goodbyes, nothing. In fact, no one even realized he'd been seething with anger.
Approached afterwards, .. then the vileness ensued .. and the "C" word thrown around ..and we should all consider him dead .. and that was only said to me .. as I was the only one he would respond to.
Hasn't been seen or heard from since. That was 8 plus years ago.
It's all very odd. I do get it, some of it .. how he could find some animosity in his mother .. his mother is mouthy and opinionated. But show me a mom that isn't.
I think I, as a mom, probably hold my tongue better than some .. with my own .. maybe I'm just more patient, more tolerant .. I don't know. But in general .. moms can be known to be that way.
Has his mom done anything that warrants completely ostracizing from the entire family? I guess, in his eyes, yes.
So no, he is not a part of the scene in any way/shape or form. Hasn't been for a long time, and in fact we never hear from him and attempts to reach him fail.
His sons .. grown .. never really close to them .. they weren't ever really on the scene here .. not much. But attempts to reach out to them in a "what's wrong with your dad" .. no real explanation from them other than, "we all know how he is .. if we get on his wrong side, he cuts us off too, .. we don't ask, .. it is what it is".
It's all odd.
It has been .. to watch MIL weather it, .. used to be more so than now, heartbreaking.
I can imagine, I've had times myself of a daughter that I am not on speaking terms with, more than one, even dd in fact .. and it is gut wrenching ...
I try not to go there .. don't even speak of it anymore. And if she begins talking about it, I redirect or leave the room. I kinda see .. and would never say it, it's water under the bridge .. she did some things that maybe someone of his temperament isn't going to stand for .. so to say she got what she deserved .. is overly harsh .. but I do see it, .. somewhat.
If you and MIL really had a great relationship, she's be reaching out to you for genuine help and truthful advice.
My mom had a much better relationship with my sil than she did with any of us kids. She gave poa to my brother, but gave the checkbook, bills and passwords to Sil. It was sil she called when she realized that she couldn't do her finances anymore, and asked advice.
If mil loved and cared for you, she wouldn't be running your husband ragged. She wouldn't tell sil one thing ( oh I want an apartment) and tell you all " oh, I love my house, can't leave". A mil (and mom) who loves her kids thinks about their needs as well as her own.
You're being manipulated by mil, pure and simple. That's where your empathy and compassion have gone. The fact that her children are clueless is sad.
As some one who has ZERO relationship with my MIL (this is 100% by HER choice) I think I have had a harder time understanding your incredible patience with your MIL.
But--when you spoke of her as "it used to be" it hit me that once upon a time you really had a great relationship, and slowly, as these things are, she became more dependent on you and less capable and the "mother-daughter-friend" relationship became strained to the breaking point.
Now, I have no idea what she was like as a mother, but I think we don't have to look too far to see a walking example of what she was likely...like. SIL? The traits in my kids that I dislike are the traits that I see in myself, and do not like.
The fact you have a BIL who is MIA is telling. He got sick of it all and left (emotionally, at least, I don't recall if you ever said he was "around".)
I feel sorry for SIL in that she is grasping at literal straws--the "just one more pill, just one more dr visit" what does she think is going to happen? MIL must be in her 80's...and there is no cure for old age. SIL no doubt sees her mother's decline and instead of planning for the inevitable, which is that she is not going to get "well" but rather, she is going to die, eventually. She's panicked by it. All her fluttering and fussing. All the micromanaging--from 1k miles away.
Of course until DH tells SIL to fish or cut bait, this is just going to go on and on. SIL is going to use up all the kindness and charity MIL's neighbor's have. She's used YOU up..she's going to drive her housekeeper away too.
MIL's manipulative behavior is just going to get worse, placing DH in a position of constantly having to "choose" between the two of you--or your whole family and MIL. You see that. He doesn't.
I think you are mourning a relationship that has, in essence, died. BUT, you DID have a good relationship with MIL for a long time. Can that be your takeaway from all this?
You KNOW she'll be in some kind of NH or long term care, soon. It's in the wind.
The "sores" she is getting are b/c she won't take the Lasix, the fluid builds up until the skin stretches and microscopic tears appear and allow bacteria to flourish. From such small things come full body sepsis. She can't keep on the way she is, not taking her meds, etc., b/c she will literally die from the abuse to her body. I imagine the chest pain and wheezing is due to fluid around her heart and in her pleural cavity.
Hopefully, you can come to some peace about this last few years and her decline. I know that caring for my FIL the last few years was awful. I thought that's all I would remember about him--but slowly the "icky" images are being replaced with memories of good times with him, and yes, forgiveness for some things he did.
AS always, I write too much. Sorry! I do hope you keep venting and also keep working behind the scenes to facilitate her getting moved. One day I hope to read that she has moved to an ALF and she's getting fussed at by somebody who is not YOU.
DH's 60th bday back in June, and the party planned here. He wanted his mom to attend, we'd go get her, she'd merely have to just sit here and eat. Two things she does with no problem. She "couldn't" (wouldn't) do it. That hurt DH's feelings and by proxy, mine.
Fast forward a few weeks, the birth of the twin g'children .. and everyone involved knew they'd be coming home from hospital, to here .. them in transition of moving at the time. And that's when MIL's AC broke. At a time when DH was CRAZY busy helping with the move, and I could've sure used his help here, with a daughter recovering from major surgery and a 4 yo .. and two newborns ... (he is actually good with babies/kids and enjoys them) .. he was attending to his mother's AC problems .. (as SIL directed a neighbor to bring her a wall unit .. a wall unit said neighbor didn't know how to install or work with).
Then .. a few weeks ago .. when all of my family as in town (a rare occurrence) .. us gathering here for a big bque. MIL beckons that she isn't feeling well and can DH come and spend the night with her.
Yea .. resentment, this is just in the last few months .. and in between any number of other maladies and calamities that didn't upend plans .. but none the less exist.
SIL .. excited at the oncoming family and the big shindig of a wedding to be, in her neck of the woods. And she gets to have the assurance that .. while there may be a calamity on this end with her mom (sure could, .. with her, yes), it won't interrupt her plans with her husband's family. Not by a long shot. The worst that could happen .. her mom have some issue and wind up hospitalized. Still .. she'd need the 2 or 3 days to tie up loose ends in her world, before she has to hop on a plane and once again, return here to play nurse for a few weeks.
Yea, I have pretty good reason to feel resentment.
And I think patsy is a bit harsh! What's happened is that the very good relationship you've enjoyed with your husband's family is going through rough waters as MIL declines, and you've been getting the bumpiest end of it and at the same time you've historically been shielding DH and SIL from the day to day turbulence.
But it doesn't help to figure out whose fault it all is, or how to share out the blame. The important thing is that you've called time on everyone's pretending that we can all just carry on forever regardless of declining health and infirmity. It's not you who's unkind to sweet little old ladies, it's the reality of aging that is.
Poor old MIL! Sure! - but feeling sympathetic to her doesn't mean it's right to sustain the "Let's Pretend" approach. On the contrary, you'd be doing her no favours if you kept that up.
You gave all parties fair warning of your "exit" and you passed the torch. You are stewing because there is a lot to stew about. At the same time, your replacements are struggling with their huge learning curve....and (not so) secretly wishing you'll step in and save the day.
Thanks to everyone's varying perceptions of what you now know is The Obvious Truth, there's a decent chance you'll never feel good about "all this" -- past, present or future. Especially if the family members who supposedly care about MIL (and supposedly care about you!) refuse to embrace The Obvious Solution.
Knowing that you've been their patsy is a bitter pill. It sheds new light on decades worth of family memories. Even the good ones. Especially the good ones.
Hang tough, Dorker. Nurture yourself and let the ninnies flounder.
I have read your posts. You did not say how old your MIL is and if she has any medical issues. You are worrying about some non issues. If you explain, you will be with your daughter to help out with the children, what can she say to you ? No, don't go ! You seemed to have developed a guilt complex if you are not available. Things have a way of working themselves out. Are you afraid at some point you will have to be her primary care giver ? From what you haven written, it does not seem she is helpless.
As disgusting a situation she was in, when your husband went over there, isn't it possible she could have taken care of it herself ? Why would she call her daughter, a few states away to help her ? She knew, the SIL would call you and you would take care of it. Which you didn't respond and rush over there, you called your husband. He took care of it. If he had not, how do you know she wouldn't do it herself or use the alert. ( I would not use the alert unless it was a last resort ) I would clean it myself if I could or call my son to help. Not your job. She bathes herself, has a home she maintains, sounds fairly self sufficient. Truth be told, all the elderly are one fall away from needing full time help. That is true for you also.
If she says it will be fine, take her at her word. You are anticipating problems. It is possible you may have to still take her to the doctors but that is only an occasional situation. Seems possible, you want her to get settled with her daughter, out of state so you won't have the responsibility of her now, or what will come later.
Time for the son and daughter to talk to their Mom about assisted living. She won't be getting any younger. She must own a home (of course she doesn't want to leave it ). These are not "your" problems. You have taken them on for some unknown reason. This discussion should take place asap.
It is for her children to decide along with her. Long term solutions should be discussed. I thought she lived with you. She does not.
You are an adult and can say to your husband, now the twins are coming, I want to be available for our daughter. Your Mom will need to do something for the "long term".
You have given her permission to do nothing as you are available to her. Try conveying your message clearly, gently, and as soon as possible.
Hope you use some of the suggestions on the board or you can remain in a "tizzy" over something that will happen but has not.
Have a peaceful Sunday.
I know they have a deeper bond with her, .. having been born to her, and raised by her. I only came onto the scene when DH was an adult, I wasn't her child. I know all that. But it is an odd place to be that this is a person who at one time was, for me, someone I dearly loved ..and felt a lot of empathy for .. as her health began to deteriorate and had me, for a long time, on the front lines as we'd work through varying issues and I'd be the step'n'fetch in it all, and looking after her.
Where is that empathy, where is that sentiment that would have me find pity in the sad state of affairs that is the order of the day here. I don't seem to have it. What's wrong with me?
My sentiment seems to be only one of shear frustration and maybe even resentment. As I talked with SIL yesterday and she and her husband's end of the family readying on that end for some big shindig of a wedding that is to be next weekend, and all converging on her location (city where she lives) .. and the whole clan a big huge party for the weekend. And all I can think is, .. gee on this end .. I would be readying for that with the sure knowledge that if MIL has some *need* .. valid or otherwise .. we'd have to be mindful that all plans may come to a halt ... dependent upon her needs ... must be nice .. that your life .. yes .. while it is consumed by phone calls to doctors, .. looking into this and that continuously .. you do get to enjoy your life on that end. MIL falls off a cliff here .. and yea . you may have to hop on a plane .. in a day or three when you get loose ends tied up. I don't have that luxury here. I can make plans all I want to enjoy things here . but it can be upended on a moment's notice .. since we're the ones here.
Now where in the above, is any empathy on my part. No, it can't be fun living MIL's existence. Where's my empathy for that?
I don't seem to have it. And I don't like that, in me.
Was thinking, talking out loud some on the above, in son in law's presence. Son in law was very close to his g'father (g'father passed about this time last year). He said ... (interesting to me, I guess it's so, I haven't walked this path before) .. he talked of his g'father who was hospitalized numerous times in his waning years .. probably over a 5 to 6 year period the man spent more time in patient than out ... and his health continuing to deteriorate ... and the g'mother for the most part on the front of his care, but the g'mother fell, .. 2 x's in the above and once broke her shoulder, rendering her unable to assist .. and another time, broke her arm .. unable to assist.
He, son in law, .. being he was very close to this g'father ... spent .. probably more time than most g'kids would, in the care of this frail g'father in his waning years. He talked of the resentment that grew .. and the wish that he would just pass, .. but the conflicting emotion that creates that you are horrible to think such things .. but then .. you hate it that you feel that way .. but you also hate it that their health has deteriorated to the point they have no quality of life and they are such a burden on everyone in their orbit ...
He said: "It does get better, .... for a while .. all you an see is the problems .. and you think you are horrible to feel that way ... but then .. they do pass ... and the good memories return .. and it's no longer about how problematic it once was .. I know I felt that way about my g'dad .. I'd gotten to the point I hated to answer the phone when they were calling, because I knew that meant that he is in the hospital again .. or has been released and now I will need to be the one to bathe him .. or whatever ... and the good memories with him, . .they were so far gone ... but he's been gone a year now .. and now I think of him fondly and all the good times we had, and all that is just a side issue".
Good food for thought.
Must be, in it all, a lessen I am needing to embrace. True, .. believe it or not .. no one that I've known (and I guess I should count myself fortunate there) ... no one I've been close to .. has lingered on the edge of deteriorating health .. for years .. and years. My grandmother that I was close to, died at the age of 90 . .spry as could be. Had she not fallen and hit her head .. she'd probably still be here! At the age of 90 she was still planting and working her huge vegetable garden .. daily. My other g'mother, wasn't real close to her .. she did have some deteriorating health .. but I wasn't on the scene of any of that .. not being close to her. Had a stepdad that died, wasn't close to him .. in a diving accident, I was a teen. That's about it really. I guess I need to search for the lessen in all this, as to what it is in me, that can't find the empathy needed.
Will I jump in and be onsite, when the nurse comes, .. nope. Will DH? Nope (he's busy, as always). Will MIL address it, and have it looked into. I really don't honestly know.
MIL is to be seen by PCP for follow up on all that she didn't see to, .. and I'm betting PCP appointment will be cancelled at MIL's direction also .. having not gone to and seen to the items the PCP wanted looked into. She will see no need to go to the PCP follow up and cancel it, or have SIL do so.
The sore that was beginning .. and whether that gets any attention, out of my hands.
I'm not harranging SIL .. "remember she has the beginnings of that sore she talked with you about, make sure the nurse looks at that, ... do you think she needs an appt to get that looked at, what is she doing about the Lasix is she now taking it". I'm not doing any of that. Used to, .. no longer do.
I don't think cellulitis in and of itself is a hospital admission .. not unless it gets sepsis ... and that can happen if it isn't attended to. But let's remember, "she's fine", she "can manage". So .. fine .. manage it then.
Interesting words imparted by SIL yesterday as she mentioned to me that her mom said it's too hard to manage her house .. and she wishes she lived in a small apartment at times .. and SIL saying these words: "It is all consuming trying to manage it all, but she's my mom and I love her, and I'll do whatever I can to help her".
I didn't respond to it .. went on to something else. Wanted to say .. "yep .. and she's NOT my mom". But I didn't say anything. I'm too kind for my own good and I know that.
No, not putting much stock in any of it as to evacuating for hurricane season as it rolls around all the way to next year (btw, there is another one, there are 3 in fact, .. 2 of which are of no concern .. but another one that is .. at least warrants watching at this point). And as has been said here, a lot can happen between now and that point in time .. she may no longer be living at home by then, precipitated by some medical event, who knows.
I wouldn't put much stock in MIL agreeing that she needs to go to SIL's for hurricane season next year. When the time comes, she will balk and SIL and H won't be able to force Narcissa to go.
I couldn't believe those words have been uttered. When SIL told me that, I responded, "SHE REALLY SAID THAT??!?!?!?! SHE HAS NEVER UTTERED THOSE WORDS". I told SIL to jump all over it, ...
Will she? I have no clue.
Will I? Nope. I've been on the forefront of these rabbit holes far too long. Go headlong into it all, only for her to then say, "Oh I don't think I need to do that". I would be LIVID.
And, I actually wonder at this point if she's even a candidate for AL ............ I know she's not so far gone, like some in nursing homes, .. but she also is someone that I would question her ability to function in AL. One who doesn't see to their own meds, hydration, medication, ..
Will be interesting to see what this week brings. She had begun to get a little sore on her swelling (elephant like) feet and ankles. She'd been expressing that to her daughter, on the phone, while here with us. I heard her expressing that info, but I took no interest in going to fuss over her, or the sore, or the reason she isn't taking her meds, and the ramifications of that. I ignored that whole scene. On purpose. We've been down this road how many times? She, who is supposedly "fine" .. and "can manage" .. and that's the order of the day ... yet she keeps making the choice, that it's just too hard to be going back and forth to the bathroom, .. the edema increases, .. and this time, sounds like the beginning of a small sore .. (cellulitis, seen it before). This week, poor poor DH .. it's coming, the next storm. She, now back at home, .. God only knows if she has now resumed her Lasix .. one can only hope. If she has, has she doubled up on it, to rid herself of fluid .. and will she now (same cycle repeats continually) .. she will then dehydrate and not feel right and be calling upon DH .. who is backed up as to his work schedule, .. and as patient as I am not, . he is more patient .. but will be really kind of angered with his mother if she is calling with the whole "where are you" (which translates to, .. can you drop everything and run here to hold my hand, I don't feel well). It won't go well.
I will encourage in the above scenario, a 911 call and transport to hospital .. but of course, my input in it all, .. might as well stay out of it.
My participation in her life .. and her woes .. has so so so reduced. Her, while she was here, .. I don't recall the actual particulars of the last time, before I stepped away from all this, but I would presume I was much more doting than was the case this most recent time. There was a time when I'd of fussed over the whole Lasix thing and encouraged .. and helped her along, and offered to go get Depends .. and any number of ways I'd of waded through that knee deep ... and many other things ...
Not anymore.
One of the days she was here .. she was alone at lunch time, I think that's the day she put it out there that she was packed and ready to go home. I left, .. rather than have a chit-fit .. and scream and rant. I left. When I did return, it as after lunch time. I asked her if DH made her sandwich when he came through. She said no, .. that she'd had a handful of M&M's for lunch. There was a time that too would've sent me reeling .. and I'd of been trying to slap together something of sustenance for her, .. for lunch. Nope. Figured, .. oh well .. a handful of M&M's .. it won't kill ya .. and I'm not fighting that battle. Left it be .. and didn't offer any other solution, went on my way.
Maybe .. as much as she protests about the doting ... (by SIL mostly, from afar) .. maybe the fact that no one here was doting on her this time, .. not this stint .. I wasn't here mostly. I was here through the middle of the night when those winds were howling and tornadoes touching down .. but outside of that, my car was my refuge and ultimately I went to dd's .. to spend the night .. and the next morning, in the cool of the AC .. after days of no AC here. No one here doting on her, and fussing about "did you eat, are you drinking enough, did you take your meds .. why aren't you taking your meds, what can we do to help". Nope. DH just isn't all that engaged .. he did question it, but saw it got him nowhere, dropped it. I never even questioned it. Maybe the fact no one here is doting on her, and life as a pioneer (essentially) with no power, .. is just too hard .. maybe she saw that.
Will that stick, .. all the way til this time next year? I wouldn't be a bit surprised if it doesn't stick. BUT ... DH being made aware that statement has been made to SIL (I told him) .. his words .. "Well whether she continues to feel that way or not .. next year, long about August .. we'll be getting her to sister's .. and she can stay there, til November .. whether she agrees or not, .. it's too hard for her, and too hard on us .. to deal with her". Will he remember he said that? Wouldn't surprise me, if he too .. of the ilk, 'well she doesn't want to have to go' ....... So no, I'm not popping any champagne corks right now, I know these things .. they are so fluid. But here, .. it's too hard for her, .. she can't get up the step .. (it's so hard to watch .. a step up .. a step, a lone step .. up to the rest of the area of the house .. one single lone step ... it's such a challenge for her, takes far too long ... the step down the same .. so hard for her). The slippery floors in the yellow bedroom. The bed she sleeps in here, a new mattress. I didn't go pick that bed out, with her in tow .. to make sure it was suitable for her needs. I bought the mattress I thought suitable for a guest bed and it still suits me, . I'm happy with it. Apparently it doesn't work for her, .. the sides too soft .. as she slides and has to try to grip .. (with leg muscles that are so deteriorated at this point), to try to stay upright as she sits on the edge of the bed to try to scoot back onto the bed and into it, .. the bed side gives way too much .. and she begins slipping. And no one here .. doting on her every need, "Well mother when you go to get in the bed, be sure and let us know, ... let us come help you, if you have to get out of bed in the middle of the night because of your dog, or because you need to go to the bathroom .. call out to one of us, to come help you .. or maybe you'd like to try our bed, .. maybe we'll switch beds with you, maybe our bed is better for your needs, come try my bed, .. or maybe we'll throw youngest daughter out of her bed, come try her's, let's see if her's works better for you".
Nope, none of that went on. May have before, .. but not this time. For the most part, any and all concerns got ignored. No one was ugly to her .. but they also weren't real engaged in making accommodation to change any of it either.
The other thing that I'll be watching for this week. MIL had a slew of upcoming doc appointments, made by SIL from afar. This, as a result of a couple of weeks back, .. her having found herself somewhat disoriented and short of breath.
I guess .. at that point, MIL called DH .. wanting assistance. Him unable to assist, .. way out in another area working. SIL then moved heaven and earth and got the housekeeper to, .. rather than clean MIL's house, which she does every-other Wednesday. She got the housekeeper to take MIL to PCP.
I know the result of that visit a couple of weeks back, was some flare up with the diverticulitis, and an antibiotic rx'd .. as well as (found out a week or so later after culture came back positive) a UTI .. and then some issue with her lungs ... not sure. The PCP had her breath into some meter thing .. and the measurement didn't meet the mark or whatever. Concern on that front.
She was to have had a chest x-ray this past week (of course all hell broke loose here in the entire state, and doc's offices were closed .. all over the place, and unreachable, as phones were down). I thought I was going to get summoned to haul MIL to said chest x'ray .. why would we enlist the house keeper to come retrieve her .. when I'm right here. But .. as it turns out, .. that imaging place, .. for days and days .. no one was answering the phones there (out of order it turns out) .. and in the days and days it took to try to get through to anyone, MIL began to question the need to go do a chest xray. Not wanting to go. (On this front, I do agree w/MIL). Her stating, "ya know, .. at this point, it's such a hard struggle for me to go to these doc appointments and tests .. it's just too hard to go do all this .. it takes too much out of me to even get ready to go .. It has to be something absolutely essential .. there has to be a real good reason .. and no way around it, .. because it's just too hard to do all this", was her mindset on the chest xray that was to have taken place. All the while, SIL couldn't even get thru to the facility to find out if they were even open. Finally she did reach them, and yes they'd had power outage and phone disruption............but by that time, MIL had decided she wasn't going. So SIL cancelled the appointment on MIL's behalf.
There is to be a follow up appt with PCP .. he's the one that ordered the chest xray .. I guess, .. trying to determine this shortness of breath and some wheezing he was hearing.
She didn't follow through on that, see above.
(The very reason it made me crazy to be in the middle of all this .. doc orders tests/procedures, instructions .. and there is no follow through .. and I ended up exiting the whole scene).
She was to have also gone to see her cardiologist this past week. Also ordered by PCP at that visit by she and housekeeper a couple of weeks back. This because it had been found that her BP was elevated (that's new, she always has low BP). The PCP had rx'd some BP med, but instructions to only take it when she finds her BP elevated .... (she hasn't since, found her BP to be elevated). But ... she didn't bring her BP cuff when she came here .. for refuge from the storm. Never took it here. Nor did I insist that we go get it, or somehow address that concern (prior I'd of done so).
She was to have seen the cardio doc this week, at instruction from PCP .. and cardio had been consulted to schedule an appt .. and the reason why, and there, the normal cardio doc she sees had been on vacation and so the PA at that office, also rx'd a BP med .. and MIL never took it, opting instead for the PCP's instructions ........... *take this as needed*. So she was to have gone to the cardio doc also this past week, for follow up on the above, that appt too .. cancelled .. on MIL's request. Her saying, "at this point, it's too much of a struggle to go and see all these doctors, it has to be vital .. no way around it", and so she didn't want to go, wasn't seen through.
She has a follow up with her PCP .. I presume .. to go over the above, results of chest xray he ordered .. she didn't see to .. results of visit to cardio .. she didn't see to, .. and for them to re-test for UTI again, to see if that has cleared .. her already on an antibiotic rx'd because of the diverticulitis flare up ...
She will return to the PCP having not followed through on the above. I don't know what the result will be. I did ask MIL .. as she bandied about not wanting to see through the chest xray, "are you still short of breath". Her answer kinda vague, I dropped it. Her answer, "I don't know dorker .. at this point, you know .. you get older and you begin deteriorating and it's a gradual thing .. someone asks *how do you feel* .. well ... how do I feel .. I feel like crap .. when did this begin .. I don't know .. I always feel like crap". That was her answer to my question as to whether she still feels short of breath. I didn't persue it any further and dig any deeper, where previously I would've. I'd of also, there was a time, .. been the one on the front with the chest xray .. her staying here .. "oh yes, absolutely .. no don't bother the housekeeper she's here with me, I'll see to it she gets there .. no problem". Nope, didn't do that.
She was to also have seen the home health nurse 2x's this past week, .. home health nurse offering to come here, if she's still here. Those visits also, cancelled, via SIL on MIL's instruction.
It's going to, I suspect, get kinda bumpy here coming up. Her returning home now, to her own home .. and we know there is the beginnings of a sore on her leg .. (possible cellulitis???, who knows, I didn't look at it) .. she wasn't taking her Lasix .. not when she stayed here she wasn't .. who knows if she has resumed doing so now that she's home .. and if so, did she double up on it, now putting herself at risk for dehydration .. and she has all these follow throughs that were to have been seen to, as to reporting in for next PCP visit .. follow throughs that didn't get seen to.
I suspect there will be some falling off the cliff upcoming in short order here. DH .. who has weathered this hurricane here, and gotten backed up on his schedule of work .. (he couldn't work for days and days .. power outages everywhere, including our own here .. but how do you even go work, when the place you are to go to, has no power), flooding in places, which made traveling the roads . not possible in some cases.
So now he is backed up .. and getting a phone all from MIL, "where are you?", ... isn't going to go as she might like it.
Urgency .. as to needing to be seen somewhere .. now dependent upon a housekeeper to get her there, and SIL has stated that getting these appts set up .. having to work around what works for the housekeeper and her schedule (the house keeper has other homes she cleans .. and her own schedule). Now .. any urgency that arises .. I can't imagine how it will be handled .. because it seems to me we may be staring down the barrel of MIL needing to be seen .. as she falls off a cliff here .. and ... DH busy .. and housekeeper .. she has her own schedule to worry with.
It won't be me doing it. I am back to the old boundaries I set .. I'm not on that front any longer.
Will be watching .. but staying out of the line of fire on it all.
As others have said - getting MIL placed on the waiting list for AL should probably be a priority. Worst case scenario? Mil's name comes up and you have to turn a placement down if she refuses to go. Best case scenario? Could be that well before next years storm season comes round - mil is fresh off a fall that found her laying on the floor for a day - and not wanting to risk that again - she agrees to move. Obviously, I don't mean mil falling would be the best thing - merely meaning there is a variety of situations that could occur that just might put mil in a more receptive mood to finally moving to a safer place - and what a tragedy of epic proportions it would be if her name wasn't even on a wait list for an AL facility.
When both my parents had a health crisis at the same time - a very small window of time opened, finding them both receptive to moving out of their house of 50+ years and into a retirement community. Previously, they had always contended that it would take dynamite or a body bag to get them out of their house.
Believe me - I nearly hurt myself scrambling that fast in finding a nice place for them.
Strike while the iron is hot and all that. Maybe pose it to MIL that this is just a backup should she or Vegetarian Dog not be able to travel any longer.
But, hey! Pop that cork! You deserve a nice glass of champagne for having weathered the weather, if nothing else.
For Senior Housing she will have to fill out and sign the application herself, as they run financial statements too. Dorker, are there any senior housing/Section 8 apartments in your area?
I haven't popped the champagne cork yet, ... but SIL, thanking me for being on site and getting yard debris all handled, .. she just casually mentions (odd I was there on site with MIL and she'd said none of this to me) ... SIL casually mentions, "Mother agrees she needs to not be there next year for hurricane season, it's just too hard".
HALLELUJAH!
We aren't even through this storm season (but usually the more dangerous storms are between August-Sept-into October some).
But even the above, as a little slice of *maybe somebody in all this has some damn sense somewhere* .. I'll take it.
Yes, SIL probably DOES try to micromanage from afar to keep MIL at bay. I worked for a woman whose oldest daughter did exactly that. She'd call everyday and have a list for me. (I didn't work for her, so I'd dutifully write it down and forget about it). She would blow into town every 6 months, stir the pot for a week and take off again. Felt she had "solved" everything. Her mother loved/feared her. I think she actually was a complete carbon copy of her mother and that was just too much for either of them to handle.
Dorker--the storm was last week-so you're still sorting things out. BUT, some major education went on during that time. One thing being, MIL realizes NOW she cannot possibly live with you (keep those wood floors shined to a gloss finish!!) and her not being compliant with her meds at your house? Well, she needs the Lasix. And she won't take it. Her time with you would be short.
You KNOW that letting the edema come and go like that is really, really bad for MIL, right? It's not like a vitamin that if you never take it, big whoop--it's actually really dangerous to let the legs and feet swell--then drain over and over. At some point her heart will just give out.
Nothing short of the "big one"..a fall, heart attack, snake bite (that was mean, but evidently she has poisonous snakes now, too?)...she's just going on her merry way.
I am really glad your hubby is healthy--he must be to be doing all this work. Nevertheless, a sweet wife could point out to MIL that Dh is SO tired and SO stressed, what would SHE do if he had an episode that landed him in the hospital, or worse?
Keep supporting hubby, ignore SIL's calls and texts unless it's one to say she needs a ride from the airport--and start that process of getting MIL on the waiting list for housing. Just do it. Worst thing that could happen with that process is she doesn't "need" it.
Hang in there---I guess, really, what are your options?
Oh, and in our family we call the non-confrontational men "Dr. No Shot" after a sweet PCP we had who NEVER gave the shot, only the treat afterwards.
For what it's worth??? D, that is *priceless*. Sincere acceptance and appreciation of your practical, rational solution. One small step for D, one giant leap for DH...
For many many years, these kooky in-laws were your surrogate family. You traveled together. Celebrated together. Shared many experiences.
Maybe all the dynamics weren't 100% healthy, but y'all were a tribe. Now that's broken. Irreparably.
For your mental health and your marriage (and your ability to be an effective grandmother), this is a necessary loss. But a loss nonetheless.
My in-laws are the "lite" version of yours. (No family vacations, thank the good Lord.) For me, somewhere around the 15-to-20-year mark, I lost a lot of my tolerance for their b.s. Not sure if it was peri-menopause or sheer frustration.
Or if -- after XX years on this earth -- I finally embraced the fact (not feeling) that humoring people who are hopelessly self-centered is unrewarding and unnecessary. Shared last names or not.
In my case, I didn't lose a community. But you did, Dorker. And that's a serious change.
Fortunately, you're evolved enough and warm enough to also have been nurturing a rewarding network all these years: your daughters and grandchildren. 💛
And the MIL-SIL-Hubby triangle has taught you valuable lessons about what NOT to be to your daughters' families, right??!?
But back to my original point. This splintering of your in-law gang -- in conjunction with their protracted "needs" -- signaled the end of some good years for you. (Not just them, darnit!)
Take time to acknowledge your loss, Dorker. ((((big hugs))))
Good point, BarbBrooklyn. There will be no changing tgengine's situation, but there is a great chance that Dorker's family's situation will change, thanks to Dorker!