I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Yea, that's happening isn't it.
Reminds me of the last time they sheltered here for a storm, (October of last year).
She, when she is at home with her dog, . she keeps at the ready, by the door, a box of baby wipes and as the dog enters the house, she grabs him and wipes his behind with baby wipes.
They came here, refuge from the storm . .and the expectation that I would do the same.
Nope. Said it and meant it. "I am not wiping a dog's azz .. I've lived on this earth 50 plus years without doing so, and I'm not starting now, you want his azz wiped then you do it".
She said, "Well I just do that so he doesn't soil the sofa with his dirty behind".
I said, "then he can stay off the sofa, how bout that".
You would've thought I'd suggested to lock the dog in the dungeon.
She knows, SIL has been told, . in previous times how ydd finds it really not something she wants to do, . as MIL then pushes four or five other stops on you while you're out . .and she doesn't have the time/inclination to do so. SIL knows this .. has been told.
Yet she still .. contacts ydd for this chest xray.
And yes, I would bet my last dollar that MIL will press her for "stop here, stop there" along the way ..
No, chest xray doesn't take a long time, except that MIL is so so so slow .. (of course she is, she has a lot of mobility issues, A LOT) .. so that slows up what would take others not as long to do. But then .. she will ask to stop here, run by there, stop and get this and can we run by so and so, and when we get back can you run and go pick up such and such.
Before you know it, what should've taken no more than an hour or so at the most .. will take up all afternoon and ydd will come back here loaded for bear .. mad as a hornet.
I will tell her, .. "you are in control of that my dear, .. there are reasons I stopped doing it, I suggest you find a way to do the same, or this will be your plight".
She is too kind for her own good.
Also interesting to note, she hasn't seen fit to press her brother into service for the above (not to my knowledge anyway). What she probably knows is this. Too much of that kinda thing, interrupting his work day .. and he would tell her in short order, "this has got to change, time we get on the ball here and figure out what other plan we need to do, both you and I, and mother, I can't be constantly taking off work to make these things happen".
Interesting she goes around the issue .. and then deploys ydd.
Underhanded is right.
She was utilized (as she is often) by MIL's neighbors this past weekend for dog sitting. MIL's neighbors, a couple in their 30's .. no children, 2 dogs, they travel frequently. When they do, they press into service, ydd, to watch their dogs, stay there if she wishes, and she does.
I had been over at MIL's for the yard duty folks .. sitting vigil there. Ydd popped in, . being she was next door to dog-sit. She, (which I generally discourage) rolled her eyes at some stupid question MIL asked. Usually that would get a glance from me, which she would easily read as *not appropriate, knock it off*. I didn't .. I just grinned .. only because it was an annoying stupid question asked.
Now normally .. yes, .. I would find that offensive and would let her know that isn't appropriate. But .. I was also mindful that we'd just spent several days with MIL under our roof weathering this storm here, and MIL had worn on all of our nerves, .. a LOT.
Ydd came home from her dog sitting service there, a couple of days later (she stayed at the neighbor's home while dog-sitting). I asked her, "did you go by and see your g'ma any while you stayed there?"
Her answer: "No. I saw enough of her last week, . no".
She is a very kind, generally very happy go lucky sort .. and doesn't usually let much get to her, or trouble her. Always in a good mood.
If she begins to balk, .. being pressed into service in all of this, THEN .. YES .. I will be giving DH an earful .. as well as his sister! Post haste!
Thus far, she did express a bit of how much of a PITA this is for her .. but didn't stick around and belabor the whole thing. We shall see.
The housekeeper, I can envision . maybe on the days she is to clean for MIL, she opts instead to send her as transport for MIL's errands/doc appts., etc. Who knows. I know that it was said of the housekeeper that Friday afternoons are best for her. What one would infer there, is that the housekeeper has other houses to clean .. and so isn't available at the ready to be called into service, as a taxi for said services.
That won't be a viable solution. I knew that, saw that coming.
I wish I was a drinker, .. don't really care for it .. (chocolate is my vice). I could sure use a big stiff drink tonight, to calm down. I could spit nails is how mad I am about this.
Holding it inside, .. don't wish to create more drama around the whole issue.
How dare her, .. when you also figure .. her daughter that lives in the city where she does, and routinely has time off for recreational travel .. and does so .. all the time, .. never, not one time, not one single solitary time .. has taken it upon herself to fly into town here and see to the ole g'ma here. Not one single time!
But SIL finds it suitable to call upon ydd here ...
No she doesn't text ydd to ask her, "how's your day going", or any other nicety or friendly such gesture. Using her, just as I was "used" for years!
I can say one thing .. and SIL knows this. Of the 3 daughters, .. ydd is the kindest of the 3 .. and the one easiest to take advantage of. BUT ... she too, .. won't be pressed into regular service to do this. Not gonna happen. She is a 24 yo, with a life of her own, and her own social network of friends and going to the gym to workout and all the things that 24 yo's do.
She loves her g'ma .. but she also finds her supremely annoying.
Have no idea what her schedule will be when she starts this new job .. but I know when she was working at the retirement home .. if she got .. let's say a Tuesday off, .. and she was sent into service to this problem .. she would do it (has a kind heart, to her own fault) .. but would come home from it, bitching. That MIL throws into the mix, "..and can we stop at _________________, and would you mind running by ___________, and when we get back, can you go back and get ____________once you drop me off", .. as if time means nothing. It would make her crazy mad.
I know you all know all this, having read all this sickening drama for months.
But this is the very damn thing that made me so damned nuts ...
SIL breezes into town, does everything but breathe for her mom .. and mom stabilizes and does well. SIL breezes back out of town .. and MIL slides off the cliff. And then SIL directing from afar .. as to the goings on here, and who needs to jump and how high.
And when I asserted, "she obviously needs more help .. she needs to be in AL .. or she needs more helpers than just me".
Of course, that's when I'm told, "she's fine, .. she manages, she can manage".
Well WHICH IS IT?!?!???!?!?
If she's fine, and she can manage, then why are you pressing others into service for her needs? If she "ISN'T" fine .. and CAN'T manage .. then why the hell aren't you addressing it?
One can only hope that she attempts to use up ydd .. and that it then comes back to bite her, .. it will, if she attempts too much.
Just unbelievable. Since I'm not a drinker, maybe I need to go eat a big huge chunk of chocolate .. (disgusted and angry).
Find a car service for MIL already, SIL. Absolutely inappropriate to delegate her mother's transportation to a 24 y/o who I'm sure wanted a little break of her own between jobs.
I wouldn't keep my mouth shut about this to your SIL or DH. They would get a big talking to.
This situation keeps getting worse and worse Dorker. Another bandaid but no long term solution. You are correct in that DH will probably say "well since you refuse what alternative is there?". DH Isn't putting
out any of his time nor offering solutions. He won't change; why should he?
I didn't like his comment about your mom not being in his mother's shoes thus has no right to
comment.
The chest X-ray won't take all day - most CXR centers take chest films without an appointment are usually done quickly. The radiologist won't do the reading right away.
But later if they read the results as CHF they will call her doctor with any abnormal result.
Wow, I am floored SIL asked you daughter. Wonder what happened to the housekeeper?
Yd will do this a couple of times and go batty with it. No 24 yo with a personal life wants to spend time off taking grandma to the dr. A reasonable amount, sure, but your MIL has a way of wearing people out pretty darn fast.
And your SIL called her!! OMGosh!! How powerful IS that woman??
Well, you aren't involved, I bet it's a rotten day for Yd and you will hear all about it. Yd is a grown woman and can do/not do as she pleases. That's on her. Yeah, it was sneaky of SIL, but honestly, what can you expect? (And why the heck hasn't SIL found some kind of car service or elder transport for MIL?? Why is she still haranguing you and your family? Yes, a car service would be pricey, but you live in FL where there's a LOT of elderly people, one would think there'd be more services...unless Queen Narcissa will not avail herself of them.
I agree with Barb. DH and SIL are going to have to just take the reins. Or continue as they have: ever hear the saying that "doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is one of the definitions of insanity". Sure applies to your MIL and SIL---nothing has changed in the 4+ months since you've been posting.
Except that you have essentially stepped away---which is great.
And do go smell those baby's heads. I am glad to know I am not the only person who loves the smell of a new baby. And when they start get chunky thighs and dimples...I admit I have bitten a few grandbabies in my time!!
Waiting with baited breath for the news about Yd taking MIL for her chest Xray. Maybe they'll just admit her to the hospital after just seeing the Xray--could you be so lucky? Then a hop, skip and jump to place her in long term care where she will actually GET long term care. We can dream!!
I really don't know what dd's thoughts would be on it all, .. generally speaking she is so busy with her own situation that this is all just a side-issue that doesn't warrant much of her attention at all.
I am seething, however!
I know it's best to leave it alone - but wow! Just, WOW!!! That SIL of yours is a shameless, self centered (apple-tree) user and manipulator (again, apple-tree).
Wish I had a baby near by to go sniff!
Youngest daughter.
Yes, I'm angry about it. However, I won't be "triangulating" my way into the whole thing.
Angry .. because .. I thought "she's fine", .. "she can manage", .. then why are you calling on youngest daughter to facilitate a doc visit.
Youngest daughter, is, at the moment, between jobs. She is to start at the local hospital on Monday. She has this week off, between jobs. Don't know yet what her schedule will be. But if it's Mon-Fri .. then she will not be available to facilitate the visits like above. She also won't be real thrilled, as it is, .. even if she does manage to have a schedule that frees her up on a weekday or two .. to be using that time to facilitate above. She is 24 yo .. she isn't a kid. So, I will stay out of it.
I do know, however, she isn't pleased to have been recruited to do this.
Had no idea this was in the works. I was in the kitchen preparing some dinner, and she came in with somewhat of a scowl on her face, unhappy. "So, .. I get to take nanna to a chest xray tomorrow", disdain in her voice. I said, "really?, how'd that happen", .. she responded with more disdain, "SIL" (calling her by name). I said, "oh yea, you don't seem to pleased". She said .. "I'm not, that's not how I wanted to spend my day tomorrow". I asked, "Did you tell her that?". At that, she walked away, "No....I'll do it, but it's not what I wanted to do".
Of my 3 daughters, she is the ONLY only one that even remotely has the availability to do it .. and the willingness, .. more importantly. The oldest daughter works f/t a grueling job .. long hours, .. particularly in the summer months (winter not as much) .. and she isn't particularly nurturing and caring by nature (unless you are an animal of any species, then yes, she is caring, not so much for humans) .. so would be really less prone to do so. The middle daughter is the mom of the twins .. and a 4 yo .. has no time to do the above. The youngest daughter, generally wouldn't of been available to do it, .. working. But .. she is taking her week of vacation owed to her, .. having turned in her notice at the retirement home .. and now to start at the hospital next week.
I won't triangulate my way into it all, only because this particular daughter .. wouldn't back that set up. She would, .. even though she was obviously displeased .. go along to get along .. and if I raised a ruckus over it, .. she would find fault in that. So, I won't do it. She obviously doesn't want to do it, ... so it's up to her, as an adult to speak up, .. and I hope as her new schedule with work comes out .. that she will find herself able to speak up, if need be, in the future .. to prevent being railroaded into doing this kinda thing on her day off. A surrogate me, if you will.
It does anger me, .. but I am not saying anything, except here. To say anything to DH .. "YOUR SISTER ................NEEDS TO LEAVE SO AND SO OUT OF IT ALL", .. it would be met with, "Well I can't do it, you WON'T do it, .. what do you expect sister to do?". So I won't .. I'll just rant here.
SIGH
I'll say it again, .. where in all of this is the "she's fine, "she can manage".
SIL leaves here, .. with that as the notion, and then directs from afar as to the goings on, on this end. And it PIZZES ME OFF.
AND ....
Hard as I try to back up from all this, .. I purposely didn't even ask MIL how she was getting to tomorrow's chest xray when I talked to her 1st thing this morning. I try to back up from all this with a 10' pole and stay out of it, because it only confounds and angers me. There I am, in the kitchen minding my own biz .. and here comes daughter with some disdain to her tone and voice .. over having been summoned to service in all of it.
I AM TICKED. To say the least!
Dorker, I know you know this - how lucky you are and how precious every moment is with your dd's and your three grand-babies.
I adore babies. My very favorite time is the time your quickly approaching- the 6 month age till about 18 months. They begin to interact with you in a meaningful way and their little personalities start to really show. Plus, most generally live to cuddle and want not much more than to eat, sleep and be loved - without games or agenda. Just think how wonderful life with MIL could be if she'd adopt this - if we all could.
Anyhow - stay focused on the blessings and when Mil makes you crazy - find yourself a grandbaby and take a good, long sniff of a downy head - best aromatherapy on the planet.
But then I'm reminded anytime I get too close to the flame on it all, the reasons I backed away. It is all consuming and there doesn't seem to be any willingness/ability to compromise.
Doesn't take much reflecting on what used to be, to remember .. the running back and forth to docs and advice provided, and rx's .. and so forth, no follow through. Back again, .. same advice .. and no follow-through.
I don't know many folks that would tolerate that for long, .. even out of the elderly or those who are chronically ill.
And worst of all SIL and her directives from afar .. and a lot of it, rabbit holes.
No, I am staying away from it all. To get too close to it all, you can feel the stress level ratcheting up, exponentially.
And it was answered so well!!
My daddy had palliative care prior to his receiving hospice. I don't know the exact moment when he decided to make the "switch" but I know on PC he received only the meds he needed to keep comfortable, and stopped taking the cholesterol meds, the BP meds, whatever. The drs were much more concerned about his COMFORT than trying to prolong his life. Hospice is about gently allowing the inevitable to happen with as little outside interference, always mindful of what the patient wants. Dad was so glad to stop doing his PT (with end stage Parkinson's that's just brutal!) and to be left "alone".
I think what MIL "gets" is sort of palliative care--( comfort only, really) with a completely non-compliant patient. She's kind of all over the place, as you've duly noted and each week, it seems like she's making a list of buttons to push and dramas to incite.
The chest x-rays will result in her being scolded for not taking her Lasik correctly and the actual damage being done to her lungs and possibly heart will be seen. The wound check, ditto. The actual PCP visit, ditto, ditto. I bet she has a big "NCP" on her chart---non compliant patient. She will fuss and wring her hands and call SIL and DH and you and what can you say? We told you so? She doesn't WANT to be well, she wants attention, and if she's well and functioning, then where's the FUN?
The truth is, ALL of us are narcissistic, to a point. We make sure people notice us and we tell things about ourselves--BUT the BIG difference is we allow other people to have their lives and our needs don't inconvenience others on a daily basis.
Your MIL has pushed the limits for so long, she's going to reap what she's sown pretty soon. It will be sad for her, as her freedoms are slowly (or quickly!) taken from her. We so rarely get what we want in life, she doesn't 'get' that. But she will.
Keep on being tough. I know there's a part of you that wants to step in and shake things up and make it all 'right' but you know that doesn't work. Dh is going to need you strong for the big crash that is inevitable.
The babies, particularly the little boy, .. my nickname for him is "tank"... he's getting so big .. just so stocky and long. The little girl baby, .. just as slight as he is big. And their appetites, .. she picks at eating her bottle .. snacking a bit here and there, .. he polishes his off and wants more.
Interesting because when they were born, the little boy of the two .. he was the runt, as they say .. the smaller by far, than his sister. That has now turned in the other direction. I told dd he had to get here to get some groceries ..sister was hogging all the groceries.
But they are now beginning to smile and coo some, and that's always so fun. They are awake more .. and interactive a bit.
Had the 4 yo to spend the night .. they'd returned form evacuating for the storm .. and had come by the next day and the 4 yo (so precious, these g'kids .. ) .. she'd run up to me with a big hug and "I missed you Nanna, can I spend the night with you".
Of course I said yes. So she stayed the night and we enjoyed her thoroughly, both DH and myself.
It is nice that life is returning to normalcy this week. So nice. One doesn't understand what disruption does to your life til you live it. Takes a while to get your bearings back when you are living with no power .. and like a pioneer and everything is closed because of storm damage and power loss and flooding.
It's nice, this week began with normalcy.
I am heading over to the church to do some office work, and then have an appt with my therapist this afternoon ..
And not getting additional home health visits from nurse is just another way of firing home health without being the bad guy to DH and SIL...the chest Xray and PCP visit are to reel everyone back in to the take-care-of-MIL boat. People who are ready to go (like those who are really serious about ending their life) DON'T tell others about it. They don't show off swollen ankles, tell stories about almost falling, describe their mucky yards...This is classic narcissist behavior trying to bring the followers back into line. The description of doc visits is supposed to reassure Dorker who only quit because she thought MIL wasn't trying after all. Just keep stepping back - the crash is coming. And your DH and SIL will have to be the ones to manage it - sign for it - decide about it or you'll be right back at page 1 of your thread. Please let us know how the babies and 4 year old are doing - they sound so cute!
I was fully prepared, .. had MIL gone in the direction, in our conversation, .. with all of the "I can't go to all these doctors and all these tests, .. and I'm just ready to go to that cloud in the sky ..".
Had she gone there, I was going to ask her if she has ever considered looking into Palliative care and talking with her doctor, or finding one that might consider that as an option.
She didn't, MIL didn't go in that direction. She began telling me about the nurse that came yesterday ... (yesterday apparently the last visit .. unless MIL wishes her to submit for more visits, MIL doesn't). And she told me that she has now put the chest xray back on the radar, that's to be done tomorrow. I asked her why, .. I thought her approach had been that she just can't go do all this. Her response was .. that she still has this relentless cough .. and the shortness of breath and she is to see the PCP on Monday .. previously scheduled follow up w/PCP ... so she needs to have had this chest xray for him to have something to go on, as to the symptoms above, .. so she is going tomorrow for the chest xray that she cancelled last week. I didn't ask how she is getting there, ..
She went on to say that she did tell the home health nurse not to submit for more visits . that she, at this point, only needs to perhaps consider some PT .. she knows she has run the gamut of what PT can do for her at home, and so she will need to literally "go" to a facility for same, .. asked the nurse if she can't submit a referral for that .. and she will now work on that. I didn't ask how she thinks she will get to these PT appts.
She expressed that the MOW person had come by for an evaluation (I suppose they have to put a visual on the person they are providing this service for, to ensure they aren't providing meals to some college kid .. who could, otherwise, prepare their own meals). Said the MOW person had talked with her about other services available to her, and she'd asked them .. about transportation to doc appts .. and yes .. she was told, that is a service she can qualify for and sign up for. She didn't say whether she did so and I didn't ask.
So, ..
You see.....
Last week, .. (it varies from week to week) .. she can't go to all these doctor appts and procedures and tests ... she just isn't able. She is ready to go to the cloud in the sky.
This week, she is ck'g to see if there is transportation available for doc appts .. she is scheduling her chest xray that she previously cancelled, .. she is talking with the home health nurse about scheduling her for PT at a facility near her.
Who can say what she really, really wants. It seems to change.
I do ind it a bit of a "well how bout that" ...
I tried for so so so long, to get her to do MOW. No, she wouldn't do that .. she'd worked there as a church service project years back .. and was really displeased with what she saw going out in the way of meals (not that it was unclean or unhealthy/unsanitary), just that the meals .. it just seemed not good.
Well, she now has MOW .. coming daily. Alrighty then!
I had tried .. forever, ... let's ... can't we see if there is some mode of transportation to these doctors ... other than myself. Answer was always .. "Oh now don't you worry about it, I will manage", and refusal to do so.
She is ck'g into that very thing, sounds like.
Next week, for all I know, it will be back to, "I can't do all this, .. this isn't what I'm about, I'm just ready to go".
It seems to vary.
The best thing I can do is what I'm doing, stay away from it all.
I found a local "house call doctor" service on the internet that provides a practitioner to do maintenance well checks, immunizations, tests. During my set up visit, the question came up = what are the goals of care? Palliative comfort care only. Here's her advance directive.
The NP was perfectly fine with Comfort Care as a goal. (Mthr's doc before hospice would not even consider medicine for her anxiety, so I doubt he would have consented to comfort care). Statins, the cholesterol lowering drug, is not used for comfort. It's gone with both hospice and palliative. Prilosec for heartburn, no problem!
Because mthr is a "shut in" and has great difficulty is a "shut in" and has great difficulty getting anywhere and DOES NOT DRIVE anymore, she qualifies for insurance paying for the special doc service. That stipulation might get Dorker's MIL to quit driving altogether.
For someone not in an institutional home, there is a $50 or 75 travel fee - a small fee for a great service. I bet Dorker's MIL's maid cost that much in salary!
My father had CHF that was progressing fairly quickly. It was his cardiologist who suggested it. The thought process seemed to be -"you're not going to get better and it's getting more and more difficult for you to keep having to show up for doctor appointments just to be told - yep, your CHF is progressing".
Once palliative care started - the nurses came regularly and if there was any concern about something such as a UTI - they took the sample at home, it was fast-tracked and if an antibiotic was needed they brought it to him. In addition, they were much more liberal with pain meds or anti anxiety meds but no pressure to take them. A hospital bed was brought in for a small monthly fee - $20, I think and he was finally given an oxygen machine that previously seemed like it was going to take an act of congress to get. There were other services made available such as a social worker - and it seemed that there was always someone available for questions, advice or a home visit.
My dad wasn't on palliative care long - about two months if I'm remembering right when they suggested his status be changed to hospice. Then, the main difference was my dad didn't have to pay for anything, pain and anxiety meds were even more liberal- along with a subtle pressure to increase how often my dad took them. But ultimately, they did leave that decision up to his family and him.
I had no idea that Palliative Care was even a thing. I wish I had know a hell of a lot sooner as it did make dealing with all things medical 100x easier.
What I don't know is how this is paid for or how much Medicare kicks in. It is really another level of care for someone with long term illnesses. there will be regular visits from a RN and if something like a UTI crops up she can call MIL's Dr and he can call in a prescription without the hassle of an office visit. In the case of something more serious the usual procedure is followed and the patient either sees her PCG or goes to the ER and if necessary can be admitted. Hospice itself discourages visits to the ER and hospital admissions
Dorker MIL may already be getting most of the services she needs but refuses to use but being a palliative care patient may have some extra benefits. It certainly wouldn't hurt to ask. You can contact them without commiting yourelf to being a caregiver or letting other family members know what you are doing. That way you can appear helpful rather than obstructive as you may be labelled now. You will know exactly what services are provided but still refuse to be hands on.
It seems to me that lack of knowledge about palliative care and hopice are some of the reasons people are afraid to sign up till the loved one is actually dying. A lot of grief could be saved with the extra help available
I'm not connecting the dots on it all. Seems that's what she already has, and doesn't follow.
It would be a great solution for her in that a Health care team comes to her, all of them! Dr, Nurses, home health, and a social Worker, who would visit her in her home, giving her visitors each week, all fussing over her, taking the pressures off of her family, so that you All could get back to enjoying her, just as before! They would treat the whole person, and all her Myriad of symptoms!
Yes, there would still be the issues with her dog and home maintenance, but you've got that anyhow.
I would definitely look into it, and educate her children on that option (SIL THE SW should be knowledgeable on this solution), IF you have a Palliative Care group, many are attached and associated with Hospice groups, which will be a gentle transition, when the time comes, should she need it.
Palliative care is a new and upcoming trend in the way of elderly Healthcare, I'm not really sure how it works out as far as saving Healthcare insurance, or tax payers dollars (it is covered by many instances as well as Medicaid), but it sure is a Cool idea, that will allow many elders such as your MIL, to stay in their home longer or indefinitely .
Depending on how rural you are will make a difference as to how advanced your area is on establishing these newer advances, but It's definitely worth checking out! One would think that Florida, with the higher elderly population there, might be ahead of the curve!