I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
You do realize there is nothing more you can say that will make DH and SIL see things your way?
My MIL starved herself to death after open heart surgery, but I kept my opinions to myself.
If MILs stuff is interfering with Dh'slife, he's the one who has to deal with it.
Only you can decide how much you're willing to put up with.
For me, if he's running to help mom and I spend an evening alone, that's one thing. If I have to cancel an event or a trip, that is an entirely different kettle of fish.
Just stop being angry all the time
I am sick to death of the "dance" of .. "she's fine", "she will manage" ........... only to then watch SIL direct from afar. Which is it? Is she fine .. ???.....then get out of our lives SIL ... I mean it! If she isn't "fine" (and I fervently believe she is NOT) ... then you and your brother both need to get on the same page and ADDRESS IT ..........instead of throwing bandaids at a gaping wound.
I think my anger would be lessened if we didn't live right here under the nose of it all.
Look no further than my having been in the kitchen the other day minding my own. Yes, aware .. because I'd spoken to MIL earlier in the day on another issue .. aware she had a chest xray on the agenda. Didn't ask her, on purpose. Not my concern how she gets there. Releasing all that. Only to then have ydd come .. with disdain and displeasure in her tone .. that she'd now been summoned to the front to facilitate same.
If I didn't have it so IN MY FACE all the time, SIL meddling and . directing from afar .. it would be (I presume) a lot easier to let go of the anger.
It's almost like, .. for me anyway .... that I'd have to make a conscious choice to say to all parties involved, "ya know what ......................I've had it up to my eyeballs with the whole scene from everyone of you clueless idiots ........... do NOT tell me if anyone calls you to assist, I don't want to hear it, do it or don't, I don't care .. but don't tell me about it .............. I don't care if MIL is now beckoning that she needs you to come hold her hand .. because she ONCE AGAIN failed to take her meds or eat or whatever the hell it is causing her issue again .. for the millionth time .......... I don't care .......I don't care of the world is on fire ................don't call me to relay a message to your brother . if it pertains to your mother and IT ALWAYS DOES ..............then tough chit ................do not bother me with it".
A scorched earth approach.
I don't think that would be healthy in the long run .. for anyone, .. not for my relationship with my husband .. for me to be so uncaring and so vile ............ not for my daughters who do love their g'mother (find her annoying as hell .......but they do love her) ..... not for SIL and my relationship with her ................... which, at one time, I thought was a good one (now I question that, perhaps I was just a warm body, any warm body that can function would do .. and I was a little late reading that memo).
I am angry about it, for sure. And partly that is because it's always so IN MY FACE. I can't get away from it.
Sure as I do, .. that's when DH is telling me, "mom isn't feeling well these days .. I ask her, .. mother are you eating ...??....she tells me, no .. she has no appetite .. mother are you staying up with your meds, .. are you drinking .. No and No .............". I hear this .. because that's his mom. So the next thing you know, he's then packing a few things to go hold her hand .. and fix her some food, and as was said previously .... "choo choo, here comes the food .. open wide mommy". And almost always a result of her failure to adequately manage. But SHE'S FINE ...
Yes, if it wasnt' so IN MY FACE all the time, surely it'd be easier to decompress from it all.
I wonder how do people decompress from it, when it is right in your face .. almost daily .......
But "she's fine" .. "she can manage". Yet all the problems, are continually .. right there under your nose .. and effecting your world .. routinely.
Under normal circumstances ... tonite for instance, there is nothing on our radar for the night .. and so if DH were to come in right now, and say "sounds like mom isn't doing well, gonna pack up some things and head over for the night". I would be fine with it. It's when it continually disrupts our plans. And that is on DH to handle differently and he won't, .. thus .. I get angry. Nor will he go to the counselor who would advise as I think ... "you really should set some boundaries with your mother and her failure to manage, .. is going to have to not repeatedly interfere with your world". He won't go .. won't hear it, won't do it differently .. and thus .. our world .. though we rarely have anything to do socially .. we aren't *go out and live it up sorts* ... it gets disrupted .. and not because of someone who has a chronic/fatal condition such as cancer let's say .. and they have had a really rough time of chemo or radiation and are sick and dying. Nope, this goes on and on and on .. and it's because of MIL's failure to adequately care for herself.
BUT ........"she's fine".
I wish I could find a way to release it and not be so angry. It isn't fun.
Fast forward a few weeks and FIL calls my husband saying he can’t get up off the bathroom floor. My husband responded: “Push the emergency button. That’s what it’s there for.” FIL lives in an independent living building that has emergency buttons and cords in every room with two in every bathroom! FIL didn't pull the cord but, miraculously, was eating dinner in the dining room later that evening.
I firmly believe that my FIL was creating the medical crisis to get attention from his son. Does FIL have cognitive decline? Heck yes. Is he capable of that kind of planning? Absolutely. And now that FIL knows he has to pull the cord or push the button to get help he’s made an amazing recovery!
And my FIL also refuses to be evaluated for cognitive decline.
It is a very sad situation.
Anger of this sort only hurts YOU.
Sometimes it helps to identify the source; are you angry because you "did" for MIL at SIL's behest for so long and nothing you said made any difference?
That's not for lack of trying or intelligence on your part, is it?
These folks are mentally ill and locked in a dysfunctional dance (this includes dh, who keeps his distance as best he can. It includes absent BIL, who seems to have broken free)
You CANNOT help these folks, Dorker. I think that some of your anger is at yourself, that you can't figure out the right thing to say, or do, that will get them out of their "Oh, she'll be fine" rut" Or DH's "she is just ready to go".
Neither is accurate. Neither is healthy. But only you see that.
Neither of MIL's involved kids can "see" the way around this maze. That's so sad.
But it's sad for them.
It shouldn't be a big bother for you.
I'd just "let it go" as the song says.
My mom's default setting was "no, I couldn't do that". I learned, over the years, how to overcome that. But it took patience, persistence and the help of others. You have to really WANT to get the person you're caring for to safety (this is not something in YOUR purview; this is for HER children to do!)
We had to be sneaky, enlist relatives, friends, neighbors and finally just put our foot down and say "mom, WE can't do this anymore!!".
It takes guts to tell your parent that you know better. It takes even more guts to save your own life.
I wish that MIL's kids had this kind of spine.
Your best bet is for MIL's doc to talk to SIL about her real needs.
I would completely bow out and nod and smile when DH or SIL tells you the news.
You can point SIL to "A Place for Mom". It's a placement service. They might be of use. I'd send her a link and then let her run with it or not.
These people are all nuts, sorry if that is hurtful.
You are a prophet in the wilderness, dear. Sometimes you just have to go back into your cave and let the crazies eat each other.
I've suggested that more than once. And, .. yes .. my thought was .. not only would it be good for both of them .. but it might negate some of the "oh dear . help me, come hold my hand please" .. maybe if she could see that he will spend quality time there .. visiting .. absent any "urgent need/malady".
Thus far, .. SIGH
Has church meetings, has work, . .has so many other things that take precedence. Will continue to hope .. I guess.
Would've been interesting to have seen if this thing would play out the way it does, continually - same cycle, rinse/lather/repeat .. if long ago .. daughter didn't fawn and hop on a plane to get here .. and DH didn't run and hold her hand .. but she was sent to the ...............OH DREAD OF ALL DREADS ....................HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would love to know, if the med regiment might be more closely monitored if she feared that the hospital would be the outcome each and every time. I'm betting it would be different. That's about how I would handle it if it were my mom and she is of "supposed" sound mind.
That cracked me up, seriously, "here comes the choo-choo....". So funny!
Mil know better - after all look how frequently she's played it with the outcoming merely being what she really wants - daughter fawning over her, waiting on her hand and foot - and her son coming to spend the night - all the while fixing her a meal and sitting in attendance - practically holding the fork saying "here comes the choo-choo...
And Rainmom, you too .. dead on. I think maybe SIL could see she has her own commitments on her end, . the big shindig of a wedding .. (her husband's family are all a fun bunch I'd hate to think that I'd have to be here with the drudges of elderly care .. and miss out on all that fun) .. her son coming .. her daughter and the dog-sitting chore afoot. Yes, .. she was hoping to dispense with anything else on the radar .. that might mean she has to hop on a plane and head this way. For sure!
Will be interesting to see what's said at PCP as to follow up on the CT scan. Wonder why the shortness of breath .. and the ................more than is usual for her .. extreme fatigue. I'd be willing to bet she has fluid build up on her heart or lungs. Would bet money on it. Now, .. as is the case w/CHF .. she is going to find herself with not only edema in her lower extremities but more dangerous .. lungs or heart or both.
Bet $ on it.
We shall see.
SIL .. unfortunately for her .. has lost in me, .. I used to, when I was the one doing all this, .. I'd have my list of 40 questions at the ready for the physician .. and ask the appropriate questions, make the appropriate notes, etc. And then .. would generally report in to SIL on the findings.
Now, it's housekeeper doing the transport .. and I don't believe housekeeper goes to the back with MIL. I know she didn't last time. I suspect that won't be part of what she does.
So, .. SIL is now going to have to .. if she wants more info .. get it from her addled .. (no she isn't cognitively impaired) mom ... (yea good luck w/that) .. or she's going to have to put in a phone call to the doc .. and we all know how that goes. Wait and wait and wait and wait .. for a return phone call that you may miss because you .. gasp .. stepped out to go to the mailbox. Only to then start all over again, playing phone tag to catch the doc.
It's not that I bring that point forward in a nanny-nanny-boo-boo .. how do ya like me now manner. It's more of a 'this is a situation that takes a helluva lot of managing .. and one that should have more supervision than is what you or your brother seem willing to push for .. and that's what I've been trying to tell both of you, .. so .. yea .. how do ya like me now??!?!".
Shame she doesn't realize that AL can be funded by Medicaid in FL, but of course there's a waiting list, and SIL won't investigate any of that. And maybe you are right, in that Narcissa is already beyond AL.
And about the clerk job -- find out when Narcissa's appointments are, and make sure you are working during at least some of those times. Haha!
My mother .. leaving .. moving to another state next month. My mother, is retired. But to supplement her income .. she has .. for years .. worked with a home healthcare agency .. as nothing more than a clerk at flu clinics, well clinics. It doesn't pay hardly anything .. but it supplemented her retirement.
Of course, she is leaving this area, moving.
I asked her would they be looking to replace her. She said she'd ask them .. and she did. They called me for an interview, went in this morning and will start that opportunity.
It will be perfect for me in it's flexibility. One just signs onto their system online .. and if they have any clinics upcoming .. you can sign up to do the clerk stuff .. and if you don't want to, if it's a day you have other commitments, . you don't have to.
It's just the clerk that fills out the paperwork when you line up at your employer sponsored flu clinic or wellness clinic .. that's all it is. A nothing of a job .. and the pay is pretty nominal .. unfortunately. But .. I am excited to be able to have that to do ...
It still afford me the ability to be engaged in the business we own and do what I need to on that front .. but make a little xtra pocket change. So .... that's a good thing.
She has been told, I was there, countless times, .. that playing fast and loose with the Lasix .. can cause her to have a stroke, .. and it's been explained .. countless times .. "and at your age, it's not usually a mild one like the one you previously experienced, more than likely it'd be catastrophic".
That has been explained to her SO SO SO MANY times, by medical professionals as she's dragged off yet again, for problems related to her not taking her meds. You ask her why and she generally says one of two things: "It's just too hard to get to the bathroom all the time, you know, I'm always about to fall", ...............OR ................."I know, I really have to do better at that".
And then round and round it goes, same thing over and over.
You ask her, "why won't you wear the compression hose, .. if the Lasix is such a problem because you can't get up and go to the bathroom all the time, why won't you ear the compression hose". You hear, "Oh I'm not going to do that, you know . .. these arthritic hands, I can't do a thing with them". "Ok well maybe we can get a CNA to come by a couple of times ... maybe they an help you or we an go to the DME store to see if there are assitive devices to help with that". "No, now don't you be calling anyone to come here, I won't answer the door, now I'm not going to do that".
It's the same cycle that repeats over and over and over!
Interesting exchange with SIL this morning. She sent me a text that she is still working on getting MOW's on weekends for her mom .. hasn't gotten that approved for her. I responded, "don't know what she'd do without ya".
She said: "It keeps me busy .. too busy".
She then sent a text: "I know ydd took Mother to the doc yesterday .. and I've got the housekeeper set up to take her on Monday. Still working thru the local area council on aging there .. to see what transport services might be available for mother .. they tell me they don't do that, to ck with the local transportation authority there that runs your bus services in the city where you live .. that there's some little small bus that does that kinda thing".
I answered that: "Shame she won't go to AL .. they have shuttle buses to accommodate all that kinda thing".
It's interesting .. because .. why are you even imparting any of this to me, unless it's a want to pull me in, .. and have me facilitate some of this taxiing around. I'm not doing it, and she will see, .. repeated attempts are going to fail.
Look no further than the most recent events .. where she'd gone to the doc with shortness of breath .. and then of course follow up as to cardio consult and chest xray, etc. .. and MIL no more interested in doing so, than the man on the moon (until .. she is again .. interested), .. but then again . she may not be.
So fine, pay the housekeeper to run all over hell's creation and/or not ... and maybe the housekeeper won't give a rip if MIL decides she is above having to follow up.
SIL answered the remark I made about "shame she won't go to AL ...", her answer to that: "I wish I could afford it".
I said, "there are numerous places that are income based, .. the one where ydd worked, until last week .. being one of many here".
She said in response: "I have talked with the folks I'm in touch with, but they seem to be more about in-home services .. they don't seem to be really any kinda resource for that sorta thing".
I said, "well not much use getting vested in any of it anyway .. she doesn't want to go anywhere .... she wants to stay firmly entrenched in the house she's in. Have a really hard time understanding that.. I get it .. sorta .. when it's someone who cannot possibly leave their home . it's where they work in their garden for instance .. that they so love .. or they have all their friends there that they are so engaged with and play cards and go to lunch with .. or their church community .. she has none of that, .. not one bit .. but yet .. BY GOD .. she wants to stay right there. I don't get it, never will. Hell, sign me up .. I don't have to worry about cooking or getting to the store to get the stuff to cook, no home maintenance .. no yard work .. sign me up .. I don't get it.
She said, "I think it's just .. it's home to her .. and then there's her dog".
I responded to that, "the place where ydd was working allowed small pets .. a lot of them do ... allow pets .. small ones .. but you do have to be able to get around to take your dog for a walk, and bag up the poop and dispose of it .. but .. also .. of concern in it all, though daughter is no pro at dx'ing it .. but she said .. of the place where she worked .. that most of them there, are more higher functioning than is her g'ma ... one has to be able to manage time .. at the very least .. meals are served, activities are planned, shuttle buses come and go .. but one has to be able to manage time .. and we know she struggles with that, .. so I don't know .. maybe she is no longer suitable for AL.
She answered that: "yea she struggles with time management, we all know that all too well, .. maybe one day when her dog is gone .. who knows .. at home .. all she has to do is open the door and let him out, she doesn't have to walk him .. she doesn't have to go clean up his poo .. she never goes out into the b'yard anyway ..
Just an obvious ploy on her part, .. to throw that out there, that she is paying the housekeeper to take her to the doc appt on Monday.
Too bad. Then do the hard work that's needed to get this all addressed in another manner. Don't whine to me about it.
I did it, for 15 damn long years! Done with it.
I remembered something last night that I read somewhere. Going from memory so don't quote me.
It kinda described (comically) how kids/family members would handle the situation if the parent had to go to a NH.
#1 person would drop me off curbside at NH....would that be DH?
#2 person would pay for it. would that be SIL? Doesn't apply here but personality wise yes it does.
#3 person would visit often. Would that be you Dorker? I definitely think that would be you!
#4 person would smuggle in Tequila and Twinkies or milkshakes and cookies. Would this be YDD? Not sure who this would be ...
When I read this I thought it was cute. I immediately knew who my 4 people fit into the slots.
I immediately knew it would be my DIL that would visit me often. We have a relaxed very close relationship. And she's got the HUGEST HEART EVER!
I know how debilitating CHF can be if not managed. My Dad was like a mad scientist with his meds. He knew to the half hour when x,y,z was going to wear off. He wore the compression hose things, he elevated his feet if the edema started, he did everything right and it was still a struggle to attend my kids sporting events.
So, is it that MIL never had the medical knowledge to know how to manage CHF? Did she ever have the knowledge to know an X-ray done in July doesn't do any good with what's going on this week? Apparently SIL doesn't! Did MIL not ever have this knowledge, does she just not give a rip? Or is it the cognitive decline?
MILs isolation might not be much improved even if her CHF was managed better. She's old. She's got a lot going on medically. I am afraid her days of being a social butterfly are over, if she was ever a social butterfly.
I think SIL going under the radar and recruiting YDD as a gofer/driver is sickening.
I really wish this situation was not so complex and frustrating for you.
That is one reason I keep tagging along on this thread. Things don't always go like they should. People don't always behave as they should. For so, so many complex reasons.
Unfortunately, lots of times 1 person worries more than the others about what is all going on. That would be you.
Oh, as miserable as your hurricane experience was and MIL wanting to go home sooner than she should have...I myself wanted to run away from my own home and my grown children and my 4 yr old grandson, and the pets that were sheltering in my own home! I wanted to be miserable by myself!
As to cognitive impairment and manipulation? I know many believe it's not possible. I just don't buy that. I personally lived that it is possible. Maybe for some - those who possessed extraordinary skills in the art of manipulation- it's like muscle memory. Thing is, that because of the cognitive impairment they just aren't as good at it any longer. Attempts at manipulation are much more transparent as they no longer are able to cover their tracks AND they loose the ability to understand the danger they could be putting themselves and possibly others in. Mil gets her dose of attention when her legs swell like balloons - but she has been playing fast and loose with her lasix so long, she doesn't think - can't rationally think - that lasix roulette could actually stroke her out or kill her.
It's worth noting that you are not looking at this clinically - narcissistic personality disorder. I am not diagnosing from afar, merely noting behaviors that accompany mental illness.
From the Mayo Clinic. the double stars are mine as reminders.
DSM-5 criteria for narcissistic personality disorder include these features:
**Having an exaggerated sense of self-importance**
**Expecting to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it**
**Exaggerating your achievements and talents**
**Being preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate**
**Believing that you are superior and can only be understood by or associate with equally special people**
**Requiring constant admiration**
**Having a sense of entitlement**
**Expecting special favors and unquestioning compliance with your expectations**
**Taking advantage of others to get what you want
**Having an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others**
**Being envious of others and believing others envy you**
**Behaving in an arrogant or haughty manner**
Even if she's not full-blown NPD, MIL is exhibiting behaviors.
Your MIL can't empathize. She can pretend briefly - she was a great PLAYMATE for your children-she was not a healthy parent or grandparent who imposed discipline or followed up with the hard stuff or unpleasant errands. MIL used funds from house to get a face lift, for gosh sake (upstream on this thread). Please understand that MIL and SIL and even DH will utilize manipulation and threats however indirect or polite and gaslighting (you must be crazy no one would ever do that um yeah they did). All you can do in the situation is to control what you will do. YDD can choose to play the game or get out. She HAS to work - she doesn't have flex schedule that Dorker had from DH to take care of MIL. MIL has real health issues but has manipulated others for years about it without really believing that SHE the Great Queen Narcissa will ever DIE (not really, but don't they hop to when she mentions it???) After a certain point, the congestive heart failure and very possibly lack of oxygen to the brain, possible kidney failure or bacterial sepsis from buildup of waste in the blood has added to cognitive impairment where MIL cannot make good decisions. I found my MIL telling me outrageous things, especially after admission to assisted living, that were not true due to Parkinson's dementia that my MIL believes and therefore they must be so. My MIL is coming home. My FIL will change catheter and they will travel. My MIL is in AL to advocate for better conditions for others and will work from within the system to help others as she has always put the needs of others first and is such a charitable inspiration (say what???).
Your MIL is as capable of manipulating SIL and DH with statements as SIL is creating them. If MIL tells you what SIL says, I would not guarantee that's what was said at all. My MIL still believes that my husband will come get her so she won't have to live in nursing home because he promised her when he was 10 that she would never go to one....my husband says that promise will never happen but my MIL believes....
Who has the *not full deck* here?
IT WAS DAUGHTER HERSELF ............who found it concerning a week or so prior .. that her mother complains of shortness of breath .. and severe fatigue (more than normal fatigue, which is pretty marked as it is) .. and so forth, and DAUGHTER HERSELF .......... who orchestrated that the housekeeper forgo cleaning services for the day and facilitate a trip to the doc to see about above.
IT WAS DAUGHTER HERSELF .. that spoke to the doc, (briefly though it was) after the visit and was told by the doc .. "She isn't well, she's got a lot going on" .....
Doc orders chest xray (which .. who the hell knows .. turned into not an xray .. but a CT scan .. so be it) .. and the doc ordered the cardio consult .. and then is to see her again for follow up on Monday.
Well, .. so SIL then goes and feeds that into the equation, "why did he order a chest xray .. you had one in July .. and ya know that radiation isn't good for you".
What the hell ever!
Dealing with a bunch of folks here that are several cards short of a deck, not just MIL.
SIL herself, who then says of the cancellation on the cardio consult, .. "....oh well .. ya know, . that was because .. that BP spike .. and the cardio doc rx'd a BP med .. a med she never even took, .. didn't even fill the rx ... the PCP instead rx'd a BP med w/instructions to take it only when you notice a spike in BP".
Okay, so SIL is an MD now .. and can 2nd guess what the doc has ordered as to investigating this whole "she isn't well, she's got a lot going on".
MIL begins with the whole, "I can't go to all these doctors and tests and so forth, I'm not able .. at this point, .. I'm just not able to do these things .. it's too hard to even get dressed, I just get so worn out ...".
SIL bites on that hook, and it's all "okay" .. permission granted .. to drop all the above.
And the whole line of thought, "................I'm just ready to wake up on that cloud in the sky"
Only it then gets put back on the radar somehow. And so .. ydd gets beckoned into service to facilitate same.
See, had I been on the scene as I used to be, it would've been ME pressed into service for that urgent visit a week or so ago, her short of breath .. and so forth. Id' of been the one with the expectation that I move my world around and get her seen at doc. Instructions as to follow up/investigation of same .. and then MIL .. and SIL colluding with the whole, "why are they sending you for that, .. they have a chest xray from July when you were in the hospital ....................and no ............. no you don't need to go to the cardio doc .. that was probably only because they rx'd a BP med for you over the phone .. so they wanted to follow up with you on it, .. but you never even filled the rx .. you don't need to go to that, ............".
And MIL with the ".............yea and I'm just ready to go to that cloud on the sky".
And SIL granting permission (as it were) to bale on the above.
I'd of been standing here with the notion (as I WAS SO MANY TIMES) ................"WHY DID YOU GUYS WASTE MY TIME THEN ..............I don't have time for this chit ............ if you want to know what's going on with some particular malady then you go investigate it and YOU FOLLOW THROUGH ON WHAT IS ADVISED/INSTRUCTED!!!!!!!!!!! This isn't rocket science folks".
Oh so, .. she cancels the above ... and then only to put it back on the agenda.. and so once again, had I been on the scene as I was previously .. then .. here again, I'd of been pressed into service to .. move my world and my agenda around, to accommodate same.
And I'd of been at that point, with the whole, "wait .. now we are doing it?, .. I thought we decided that it was okay she bale out on all that .. what the hell?".
So glad to not be on the forefront of it all. But I can only hope that ydd isn't pressed into service as the 'surrogate me' in it all. She has been cautioned.
Seems everyone involved "feels sorry for MIL", more so than I am capable of. Ydd included.
Little things aggravate the ever-loving chit out of me. Such as .. yesterday .. ydd . of course she took MIL by the bank, MIL had no cash in her wallet and wanted to cash a ck (you will be using your debit card at the grocery you already mentioned .. ya know .. you can press the little button there when it asks if you'd like cash .. and you can get cash there .. why do we have to go to the bank). She also wanted to go to the grocery .. but get this .. I had forgotten ydd told me this ... "she also had ydd .. run her by her specialty vet (she has two) .. so she could get the specialty vegetarian snacks for her dog.
Two problems with the above . at least in my view (me, who is NOT as sympathetic as maybe I should be).
1. Why is ANYONE having to haul you around, .. didn't your daughter determine on your behalf that you are "FINE" and "YOU WILL MANAGE" .. and that you didn't need participation in a driving program? Wasn't that the determination? Then why in the hell does someone have to upend their life to accommodate hauling you around?
2. You go and get these specialty treats for your dog, .. *vegetarian* ............. and then I watch you feed him from the table, off your plate .. NOT vegetarian food, table food.
That chit makes me CRAZY angry. My argument to it all, .. "why are you wasting my time, to go get specialty treats for your dog .. because he has a sensitive tummy and does better with vegetarian food, but then you sit and eat your meal and hand feed him from your plate .. meats .. why are you wasting my time with the above . if he can eat meat .. then why do you have to do this specialty b/s.
That kinda stuff makes me absolutely crazy angry.
That and .. she has to have "special" Lactaid milk for herself .. (milk allergy?, intolerance?) .. but then she uses your standard .. milk product in a bottle .. from the dairy case .. for her coffee. Well, explain that to me. Now, wait you have to have specialty milk .. but you can use dairy creamer in your coffee ..?!?!?!! You either are or aren't lactose intolerant .. so which is it?
And the above that has been pointed to, as to whether or not she feigns all this "need", thinking out loud .. and then watching SIL run the hamster wheel, .. and the whole "come hold my hand, I don't feel well" (always resulting from the fallout of her failure to see about her own hydration, nutrition, meds, always always always) ..
On that line of thought. Yet again, .. an issue that makes me nuts.
If you were to watch this .. from a picture window and watch what goes on.
You would see her saying things like, "I so hate to bother DH . I know how busy he is .. I really really try hard not to bother him .. and that daughter of mine .. I wish she'd leave him alone .. but she won't .. I don't know what to do with her. I really try .. to not have to bother him with anything here .. he's so busy".
You would see her saying things like: "I just wish daughter would come here and visit with me, she gets here and her feet don't stop til she gets on that plane to go home .. she's so busy running and doing .. and I've asked her, .. please stop .. please .. just stop .. just visit with me, .. let's just watch a movie on tv .. let's just talk .. but she won't .. she doesn't know how to stop, she runs at warp speed all the time".
The above is what you'd see her saying.
It all makes me absolutely nuts. I guess I didn't grow up in a family that operates like this. It's all so maddening.
So you say to her, "well ya know .. when you sit here and you mention the overgrowth on the arbor outside, or the geraniums that need to be weeded out .. or the flower bed that has overgrown weeds in it, or the gutter that needs cleaning, or the tires that need to be looked at .. or the numerous other things you mention .. that is what your daughter is going to do .. she isn't going to sit there and look at your wish list .. and just sit on her ass .. you know that .. you've known her, her whole life .. she's going to get up and go do it .. so stop doing that".
She will respond . as I've described before here .. "I don't say it because I expect her to now hop on it, .. I just say it ............. I don't have any life .. I don't have anything to talk about, I don't go anywhere/do anything .. I don't have anything interesting to tell anyone .. I'm just thinking out loud .. that I so wish I could get out there and take care of the things like I used to do .... I don't intend for her to do it .. I'm just talking".
Me: "yes talking to hear yourself talk .. you need to stop it if you want her to not do these things, because if you say it, . she is going to go see about it".
On DH .. "yes and if you have something that needs doing here .. a toilet that won't stop running, the fridge making a noise . the kitchen sink dripping .. a drain running slow .. yes .. you say that you try so hard to not bother DH . you know how busy he is .. and so you try so hard to just deal with whatever and not bother him. But if you mention it to your daughter, you know her .. she will be in his ear 14 x's a day about it, til he goes to see about it. I don't know why you do that .. if it's a problem you need him to address .. let HIM KNOW .. YOU LET HIM KNOW .. why you tell her, I don't know ... because you know her, .. she will dog him to the ends of the earth .. until he sees to it, .. and that aggravates the chit out of him .. once you've told him what ever the problem du jour is . he knows, he isn't a child that needs repeated reminders and queries as to when .. when will you get to it .. so it needs to BE YOU THAT TELLS HIM .. and then let it drop . he may not get there today .. he may not get there tomorrow .. but HE WILL GET TO IT .. but you tell SIL .. and she now .. like a dog on a bone .. wants it fixed yesterday and under the guise of *mother is so worried about that drip in her kitchen .. she's concerned her water bill is gong to go sky high .. when will DH be there to look at that, . has he said* .. But yet I talk to you, and assure you that he is aware .and it's on his radar .. and then I get from you, "oh I'm not worried about it, just whenever he can get here .. not a big problem ..", .. Well that's not what I'm getting from your daughter, to hear her tell it you are over here wringing your hands with worry about it, so which is it. You will hear her say, "That daughter of mine !!!!!!!!!!! MY GOD ... I just happened to mention that the sink is dripping .. that's all I said .. that was it .. and she of course thinks the world has to come to a damn stop ..and why hasn't he gotten here yet".
You see the above crazy making chit that goes on routinely.
I have long since stepped out of it all. Used to be these repeated texts would come to me .. from SIL. "I told DH about the sink dripping in mom's kitchen .. and she seems to be very concerned that her water bill is going to shoot sky high .. can you ask DH when he plans to look at that, I know he's busy .. so if you could just ask him".
I would respond, "He's aware .. you told him, he will get to it".
Then it would be .. "I know he told me he would, .. I just know it's really bothering her .. and she is getting worried about her water bill, I think she'd not be so concerned if she knew when he's coming".
I'd respond, "you'll have to talk to him about it ... I really don't know".
She'd then respond: "I asked him but he hasn't answered me, so if you could just pass that along to him and let me know".
Then .. fast forward to the next time I talk to DH . and "hey your sister says your mom is concerned about that drip in the kitchen faucet .. do you know when you're going to have time to look at that".
And I'd get blasted .. "I told her I'm aware and I will get to it, NO I don't know when .. I'll get to it when I CAN!".
I have exited all of that.
I don't have a clue what to make of it all. Does MIL feign all these dilemmas and health maladies and then refuse to do as she should, because it will then summon all to her beckon call.
Or is it that she truly .. just thinks out loud .. and maybe is cognitively impaired (and thus doesn't manage her own well being as she should) ..
I truly don't know. Truly .. even having a front row seat to it all, for decades. I don't know.
MIL says one thing and does another. I will manage, I will be fine. But she doesn't do as she says .. she doesn't adequately care for herself .. and the pieces fall apart .. and then there are doc visits in order, instructions to follow (they don't get followed) .. and SIL in the middle of it all, "she'll be fine .. she's okay it was just the UTI" .. and then she's okay to drive .. and then she leaves and it's all hands on deck to haul MIL hither and yon.
I can't deal with it anymore.
But yet it's like everyone else in the picture of all this has a mental block and doesn't see what I describe above. Everyone else involved in it all, has pity that I don't have.
It makes me crazy. It makes me angry .. I have no sympathy at all ..
And it's unfair, . because that then leaves me reeling in a sense of .. "what's wrong with me, why am I so mean-spirited". And I'm not .. not generally. I'm a "fix it" sort .. it's broke, let's fix it.
But see above .. there is "no fixing" that chit!
I wonder, though, with her cognitive issues if she's really capable of doing this kind of planning. Of course no one knows what the extent of her cognitive decline really is, since SIL refuses to allow her mother to be evaluated for that.
So - could MIL be going to these many "one more" doctor appointments as a way of appeasing her daughter and keeping daughter actively engaged? It might explain a bit of the swinging back and forth between "I'm done" and "schedule me some PT". This might have just turned into a dysfunctional cyclic thing between these two. Just maybe - if SIL could just come to stay for a couple weeks - just a normal, hanging together visit - MIL would stop with all the stuff that keeps her at crises front door.
I mean, sure - I think we can pretty much agree that as with so many lonely and aged people - getting attention is at the crux of this whole thing - but I think in this case it might be very specifically about SIL only being able to be around her mother if she's running at warp speed doing "things". Perhaps if she could see that just giving her mom some regular old-fashioned attention all this medical drama might fall by the way side. Mil just might take her Lasix as directed if she's not feeling swollen ankles is the only reason her daughter will come to town - for example. Ditto and adjust for needing a crisis to get son to come over. Plus - with some cognitive impairment thrown in - it's no coincidence that mil is feeling extra lonely when Dorkers family is in town. So - medical crisis call for some hand-holding. But I bet if she knew son was gonna take her out to lunch the day after company left - I'm thinking she just might have decided she could make it through the night on her own.
Or maybe not. Just some rambling thoughts running through my head as I anxiously await the next installment of As the Stomach Turns.
I suspect, so that in the end - they can tell themselves that they were there for their mother. It's really awfully sad, when you think about it.
I have long since exited that whole dilemma.
I don't know who is at fault there. MIL for "thinking out loud" as she laments the weeds overtaking the flower bed (SIL dutifully goes after it), .. MIL for thinking out loud .. "ya know, I haven't even had a chance to look at the tires on my car, .. I wonder what condition they are". Off SIL goes .. to get that looked into. MIL for thinking out loud, "I wish I had a bigger TV". Off goes SIL . in pursuit of a bigger/better tv.
You name it, .. SIL here .. when she comes, running full speed ahead on the hamster wheel. Never .. to stop and smell the roses as they say .. never. Doesn't happen, ever.
Her son .. he works awfully hard .. (I worry about the grueling pace he keeps) .. and then he has his church commitments .. (too many if you ask me, far too many) .. and then of course, our household .. and any number of others he helps .. (elderly ladies in the church that need something or other), DD and her household ..
And somewhere in there, it should be on his heart to go visit with his mom .... make it happen. It doesn't. Not unless I sorta hop in there and "plan" something.
I feel bad for her, in that respect. But ... I'm also painfully aware .. with regard to her, .. her loneliness .. is no one's fault but her own. She won't engage in anything, .. nothing in the neighborhood, not a senior center, not a church group, nothing .. so . .lonely ???.... nobody's fault but yours.
Dog sitting, church commitments, yes these are important, but I'll tell you, when my mom had a medical crisis, we got spouses, friends and other famiky to cover, or we just called in send said " no".
If this stuff isn't important to them, then leave it be,