I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
She's going to get bombarded, I would presume, with phone calls and mail . from AL and so forth in this location.
I think when I have some time, I'll do the same for her location. Bury her in senior info ..
And FWIW .. when this was originally contracted with this son and mom team .. SIL wanted to know if (I don't guess she had a clear vision .. from afar .. that this is just a young man that earns a few bucks doing this .. these aren't grown up professional folks . and his mom) .. SIL wanted to know if they/he would go up on the roof and blow it off, and clear the gutters.
Told her no, .. I wasn't going to ask that of them .. not sure what her h/o insurance will pay for in the event he falls off the roof .. or gets hurt .. this is just a kid (he's a young man .. maybe 20) .. no.
Does the roof need to be blown off and gutters cleaned. I don't know and I don't care .. I was taking care of getting the hurricane debris removed. Period. That's all. Wanting to return her yard to the condition it was prior, that was my goal. To not do so, we'd of been hearing about it daily .. more than that .. likely every few hours .. and so I wanted that done .. and I did that.
Then SIL wanting to worry about (from afar) the roof .. get that blown off, the gutters cleared out .. the MIL with the back corner (the back corner that has been a mess forever).
Nope, baton handed. And no, I'm not paying the guy to go up on the roof of her house. If SIL wants to negotiate that with him .. have at it .. but I hope she knows that a h/o claim can ensue. I'd be looking at that before I have the kid do that chore, If I were her. I'm out, baton handed.
Won't answer any further queries on any of it, from MIL, from SIL .. nope. If the gal calls me, .. with questions, she'll now get SIL's phone number 1K miles away and she can deal with SIL, since SIL wants to manage it from afar. Have at it.
I think it's funny because, in the end, SIL wanting to manage all this .. (the neighbors church folks are doing this for free) ... SIL is going to wish she'd of never said that. Now .. the church folks .. that whole bit .. they did mobilize .. squads of folks, .. but that has all but disbanded now (understandably so). It's gonna be a wait.
So yea .. SIL can get in neighbor's ear now, "do you know about that waitlist at your church .. have you talked to anyone ..".
Better the neighbor than me.
This morning .. it seems rather clear to me, .. (will have to finagle each situation as it arises) .. the problem lies, in all of this .. that I have absolutely 0 control over any of it. Well there ya go .. then don't even try. Problem du jour pops up on the screen ... figure a way to hand the baton off .. each and every time. And walk away from it.
Let DIL and dh handle this all themselves.
If you need something to, make a list if all the income based al facilities near SIL. Get their phone numbers, waitlists. Do the same for places near you.
I watch my ydd .. she has the sweetest heart of anyone I know .. see her get hurt or wronged .. and she gets angry .. upset .. but she gets over it just as fast. Even if the person who has wronged her doesn't apologize. Her motto, "life's too short to stay mad".
I've told her countless times, "Wish you'd give me some of that, I don't *get over it* like you do, but I'd like to".
Hahaha.
I did finally hear back from SIL later last night. I'd sent word to her, .. DH was on the phone and in his office, originally so I just wanted quick answer as to what to do, not realizing I wouldn't get her. Ultimately went to DH . it's his mom .. and he made the call on what to do, and that's what I did.
SIL then reaching out to me later in the evening, "Sorry I was out with hubby's family .. big shindig at local hotel downtown .. ".
She then goes into, "I'm not sure .. not sure what mother would want here, and it's too late to call her".
I said the following (and yes .. it felt good) .. "it's handled, your brother said to do thus and so, that's the word I passed along to the woman and her son .. and from here on, handing the baton to you .. you had found that the neighbor has the church folks that show up in squads .. maybe with your mom on the waitlist .. her name will come up .. you can work with that neighbor of your mom's to see if they can't move her name up the list I guess ... handing the baton in your direction, enjoy your weekend with your family, going to bed now, g'nite".
She did answer, but I didn't respond. Her answer, "Yea, it sounds like that was something they did post-hurricane .. a bunch of the folks of that church got together .. but it sounds like they aren't in as many numbers now, the ones that do it .. so not sure when or if her name will come up for anything else".
I didn't answer.
The baton has been handed.
The mom had wanted to handle that back corner area .. (as I said before, my charge there was to return her yard to the pre-hurricane condition it had been .. and that was a helluva mess .. in and of itself). Yes, that left the back corner that has been so problematic to her .. for so long .. untouched, other than them taking the top layer of limbs and so forth. But that back corner ........... it's been that way for years now .. and it just keeps getting worse and worse. They've asked the lawn mower guy .. but he doesn't do that . he rides his mower around and is outta there in about 20 mins. He doesn't do that kinda thing, and no .. he doesn't know anyone that does.
Why hasn't DH seen fit to gather a group from our church and maybe go clear out that back area. Because DH thinks it's all a bunch of hooey to not even worry about. It's the back corner .. where it's rough and rugged looking anyway .. not pruned at all, like the rest of the yard .. it's just not necessary. So he hasn't seen fit to do it himself and likely never would've. Fine by me, I don't care either way. Not my yard, .. not my thing.
I paid the folks to at least get the yard so that it wasn't so unsightly ... then MIL begins hyper-focus train of thought on that back corner that has been the bane of her existence for quite some time. She wants to take that on .. have them do that work, and she will pay them.
So fine .. do it.
Then last night .. as someone else said, too much confusion created, .. MIL can't keep up .. gets all flustered and rattled with it all.
Baton has been handed.
I think a lot of the gal and her son .. they seem to be hard workers and very industrious and they seem to take pride in what they do .. and that gal had expressed that she would like to do more out there once she gets it all cleaned up in the back (trim hedges, clear flower beds, .. etc etc). So I suspect she will be maybe asking to do more ..
Out of my hands ..
If she calls me, the gal (since I was the original contact) .. I'm going to tell her that her daughter prefers to handle all things MIL .. and so here's her number, give her a call and ask. And then dust my hands of it all.
Just unreal.
Try to do a good deed and then it all gets mucked up.
It's always something with Narcissa, isn't it? Why on earth is she more concerned about cleaning out a far corner of her backyard than she is about her own health?
Ask SIL if MIL's home insurance would cover injury to contractors as I am pretty sure the mom and her son aren't licensed and insured.
Wow it just seems that SIL & MIL just walk all over people to get what they want by any means...transportation, yard work, grocery shopping, dog treats. And then SIL rubs it in your face that you had to pay for a service the church members were providing for free during the acute phase after the hurricane. I wouldn't dream of asking any of those volunteers to go clean up a pile of garden debris that has been there for years. But SIL? In her effort to direct from afar to get others to do what is her or MIL's bidding has no shame. SIL doesn't have to see these neighbors regularly. What does she care? Point being - she doesn't care.
SIL doesn't stop until she totally pi*s#s off everyone by making totally unreasonable requests.
I am sure both SIL & MIL aren't even thinking about the mom and her son 's safety. I will even bet the kid's mom now feels that they bit off more than they can chew & would gladly take a graceful way out. The original request was to clean the yard of hurricane debris which they did and now are placed in the difficult situation where the mom feels guilty taking an old woman's last dollar. Look at how that situation snowballed into chaos.
If you DH doesn't want to tackle that corner because he thinks it's too much work, it must be a huge project.
SIL takes no prisoners dealing with yard clean up, asking this and that from neighbors & family, but she can't sit down with her mother and tell her the house upkeep is way too much and she needs to downsize.
I can see why Dorker has had it. 15 years of it will do that to someone.
More emotional strife with your weekend? Shaken, not stirred? (Lol)
And....Dorker gets to pay for it, too! Paying for yard work is not cheap.
Don't get any more involved in that clean up. But I am guessing the hourly rate of $15 an hour which MIL was told it would cost will be a huge deterrent. Let MIL pay for her own yard clean up. She isn't saving for Assisted Living or planning for her future.
She may need to cut down on her dog's vegetarian treats...
I can easily see why Dorker is so angry and can't let it go, as EVERY DAY brings a new challenge with those two. Dorker's anger cements her resolve to step back and watch.
So happy you got a new job Ms D! Flu vaccine clinics will keep you busy over the next few months.
How frustrating. The beat goes on...
Last July I got a memorial tattoo in honor of my father. It's taken from a beautiful, award winning photograph of my father in silhouette - standing on top of Mt. Hood at sunrise.
I decided to have my fathers initials added along a tree line - kind of abstract. But in thinking about it - since both my parents ashes are scattered half way up the mountain- I decided I should include my mothers initials.
Prior to actually having the work done I had met with the artist - giving him a small copy of the picture and described my idea regarding my parents initials.
When I arrived for the work to be done the artist showed me the stencil he'd drawn up and it exceeded my expectations- it was so perfect it made me cry.
But - I had started having second thoughts about my mothers initials. Did I really want them permanently etched on my body - after everything I had gone through with her? Not just the h*ll of the last six years but the sum total of a complex and difficult relationship.
So, I started to tell the artist that I still had a lot of anger towards my mother and maybe for now - her initials weren't a good idea - could we add them perhaps at some future date?
The artist says to me "it would be better if we did her initials now. How long ago did she die?" I say "it will be a year next month". The artist - "that's a lot of time to still be angry". I say "I've got a lot to be angry about".
Know what I mean?
I agree that it's better to let go - "live and let live". But don't tear yourself down if you can't immediately let go of a hurt or a wronged. I think it's a process meant to teach us something as we work through it in a meaningful way. Now, figuring out what that is...
Btw - I did keep my mothers initials.
Think of everything that does on with MIL in terms of " if you lived in Assisted Living, you wouldn't the to deal with this, you'd have staff".
I started ( on my mom) with
" such an isolated neighborhood you live in, no one around during the day"
" no public transport, so hard for therapist/aides to get here"
" no sidewalks, so hard to get out to exercise safely".
"Top of a huge hill, so dangerous for us to get here in the winter"
I started this campaign when it became clear that my mom was holding on to living in her big Ole house only because daddy had told her " don't sell the house and pay Hight Rent". That was her mantra.
If you want to be relentless Dorker, doing it in mil's direction and do it about moving. Not about the small stuff.
Old folks and paying for things. LOL. Reminds me of a family friend with the ole g'pa (now deceased). Old guy, all but homebound. G'daughter comes over to visit . .sees his hair is a mess .. offers to cut his hair.
This is a guy, an old guy, who every year .. I guess trying to spend down his $ .. he'd gift each of his grown kids, and g'kids $10k at xmas. So he had PLENTY of $.
So the g'daughter cuts his hair for him. He insists on paying her .. she refuses .. he keeps insisting. Finally the mother of the g'daughter, "take his money, your'e upsetting him . .. he doesn't want to be a charity case .. take it".
She finally agrees to allow him to pay her for the haircut.
He pulls out $2 and hands it to her, .. and is now paid in full.
$2 for a haircut .. probably hasn't been the going rate since about in the 1940's I would guess. But by golly, he was going to pay his fair share.
Thought it was cute.
The area behind the back yard...where the snakes are. The area that has been in that condition for years. I don't know if all Old Folks become fixated on things but I can tell you when Mother started slipping she would have a one track mind. And prices and Old Folks....uggghh
The instant SIL stuck her nose into the debris situation would have been my cue to make my exit. If she wanted to get on a wait list for free services then hey, the baton is all hers. She can listen to the whining about the wait.
Too many cooks in the kitchen, fingers in the pie, whatever the saying is. Too much info flying around amongst too many people and MIL not really being able to keep up with what's going on and becoming confused.
I really hate to rag on SIL but it seems that she thinks she has to micro manage everything and everyone. Feeble attempt to not have to return anytime soon, character flaw, whatever, let her knock herself out.
The Crazy Train...something not that complicated turns into a Three Ring Circus.
You did a good and helpful thing trying to cover this chore for DH. Then things just go nuts.
Try to look at it from the outside and keep your sense of humor.
Things aren't going to get better anytime soon.
On the Crazy Train no good deed goes unpunished. You are correct.
I once had a dispute with a friend .......... she apologized .. and I still wasn't over it, and she said in anger to me (which I took to heart) .. "I hope that grudge keeps you nice and cozy at night".
It is a character flaw in me, that I do try to work hard not to display .. don't know why I'm the way that I am. I do .. finally (but it takes me longer than it does others and I know that about me) .. I do finally get over it .. whatever the wrong is .. eventually .. I do .. but it's not something I like about me. And I do try to work on it.
Indeed, I would do better by myself to come to some realization that I have to "let it go" .. it's not going to change .. at all. All the harping on it .. to DH .. is not going to change any of it. At all. Finding in that, the realization that I have to "let it go" .. there is the challenge. It doesn't change it.
Let's back up a minute. Last weekend, .. I hired a teen .. young man really .. to do the hurricane clean up in her yard. It took 2 days to get it all done. The debris was 2 feet or more thick, with twigs/limbs/leaves .. it was horrible.
Now .. in the way back of her yard is where all the trees are that dropped all that debris. The young man ended up I guess, summoning his mom to come help .. sounds like his mom .. she really likes yard work, says it's therapeutic to her. (I hate yard work, with a passion). This isn't her regular day job, she has a regular day job. But likes yard work, as a hobby.
I guess the son, .. underbid the job last weekend, .. and she came to help. She admittedly has no experience at all, in pricing said work, . nor does he apparently. He's just a young man .. who does this kinda as a way to earn extra $.
He bid that job, . .at $90. I knew when he said that would be the price, that was way way underbid. It was too huge a mess for that low a price.
I guess, he got knee deep in it, and maybe summoned his mom ..
His mom .. not a professional yard person (nor is he for that matter) .. just likes to do yard work. She didn't balk at the price, other than to give her son a glance .. when he mentioned what he'd bid it at. I paid them $200 for it. More than doubling what he bid it.
It was a h*lluva lot of work. Back and forth out of the b'yard to the front hauling loads and loads and loads of debris . to the front to dump it for the yard waste trucks that will come to pick it all up. It ended up lining the entire front perimeter of her yard, that's how much there was.
Now .. in the way back of her yard, where all the tree coverage is . in the back corner back there .. they only got to the top level there. There is debris stacked back in that corner from storms past ..
MIL wants all that cleared also.
I wasn't going to pay anymore .. that's all in the back corner, and as far as I'm concerne .. that can be done another day. I merely wanted to cover what is the area of her yard that is visible and unsightly and that's what they did.
MIL wanted to know if they were going to go back there into that back corner and I told her no, that I'd asked that they do up to the shrubbery line .. and along that perimeter but that the back corner back there .. that would be another day ..
She said she wanted that done, and could she talk to them about doing that.
I asked them (she can't really get back there with her limitations of mobility). The answer they gave (mostly the mom did the talking) .. she indicated they'd be glad to do it, another day .. that they really had their hands full with just what I'd asked of them, .. to come back and do that would be another day and a different price. I asked them what they would charge. And again .. a look on their faces, both of them .. kinda dumbfounded. They didn't know .. and don't really know how to price it.
These are just *good folks* from church .. they aren't professional yard people.
Eventually I called MIL to come out onto the deck to discuss what it is she wants .. (MIL had been most upset that we'd paid to have done what we did ... not sure how much she'd of thrown at it, .. these seniors .. they live in the past, where $5 is a day's wages. If she knew that we paid $200 she'd of likely had a heart attack). She was upset that we'd paid for it, and that we wouldn't tell her how much it cost.
She said, "will you guys let me pay for that back corner, since they can't do that today .. and have to come another day .. will you guys let me at least pay that portion of it, ..".
I told her that's fine, if she wants to talk it over with them .. and what they would charge, certainly she can pay that.
So .. fast forward to now. They left last weekend, after completing what I'd asked of them (and they did a stellar job). MIL had come outside onto the deck to point in the direction of that back corner (she can't traverse out there to it) .. and that she wants that area also cleared out, if they are willing to come back and do so.
The gal said they would most certainly do that, and pointed out some other things she'd like to take care of.. eventually .. for MIL in the way of yard work .. trimming hedges, clearing flower beds .. so forth. But that back corner, yes .. they would come back and do that. MIL asked how much did they think that would cost. The woman said she didn't know, didn't even really know how to price it .. just .. they do this kinda on the side .. not as a profession.
It was left that they would get in contact with MIL to discuss price.
In the meantime .. SIL .. talking with one of MIL's neighbors .. SIL found out that the church the neighbors attend .. they had squads that went out .. post hurriane .. for free .. to do as a service project, .. yard clean up. SIL lamenting to me, that we'd paid for something we could've gotten for free.
I told SIL .. "call them about that back corner that they didn't get to, that's still on the agenda as a need .. maybe the church the neighbors attend .. maybe they'll send a crew to do that back corner".
SIL did so. Turns out that story .. yes .. the church did mobilize crews post-hurricane .. but that has dwindled. Most of the work has been done .. and so the groups that mobilized to do that .. it's .. for the most part over. They did, this church, put MIL's name on the list .. wait-list .. but that .. the numbers of folks who mobilized to do this work .. has dwindled now.
SIL shared this info with MIL.
Good Lord. No good deed goes unpunished.
So tonite .. I get a call from the mom of this teen. She had made contact with MIL about coming tomorrow to clear out that back corner. They talked price .. the gal saying to me, "To be honest with you, .. this is all lost on me, how much to charge, I honestly don't really know .. I just like doing this kinda thing .. and I want her to be happy .. I didn't know what to tell her to be honest .. so I just said that we'd be $15/hour .. for my son, as well as $15/hour for me .. but .. I'm not even sure how long it will take to do what she wants .. and not even sure really exactly what she wants .. (MIL gets so frazzled and addled that she isn't very articulate).
The gal, now most troubled, said to me, "I'm not sure what you guys would like me to do at this point, it seemed that it upset her .. I'm not looking here to do anything to upset her ... I really am not .. I would do it for free .. to be honest .. it's not the money .. but I know she would be upset to have us working there for free (she's right, it would upset MIL if they won't take any $). Said that when she contacted MIL to talk with her about it and told her the above price .. that MIL got kinda frazzled and upset almost saying to her (which now has the woman thinking she is taking MIL's last dolllar to her name .. ) .. that MIL then .. now upset and frazzled/addled .. said to her, "well all I have is $50 .. that's all I've got .. ".
The woman now upset . thinking she is taking this poor ole senior citizen's last dollar to her name .. and she doesn't want to upset her. Asking me what to do .. should she just abandon all this .. entirely .. should she do the work anyway .. but that she doesn't want to take MIL's last dollar to her name.
OY VEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And of course, SIL with her big shindig festivities this weekend, is nowhere to be found, to consult on this issue.
And no, I don't wish to call MIL myself and get in the middle of what this woman describes as MIL now addled/frazzled, etc. I know of what she speaks .. MIL gets all nerve wracked (as I would imagine a lot of seniors do) .. and you can't even make good sense to her.
Why are we leaving any of this for her to negotiate anyway?
Because she insisted. She was upset that we paid to begin with .. and then wanted this add'l work done .. and so she insisted that she pay for the add'l work. And thus . the reason she's even in it, discussing it.
I did tell the woman that I would try to reach her daughter, to get her input and get back with her .. and that of course, .. it's not her last dollar (and it isn't) .. and that if it puts a hardship on her .. that we would certainly cover it for her .. that she just gets very easily rattled. Told her I'd get back to her.
Unable to reach SIL .. for her input. Not wanting to call MIL and get in the middle of what will be no answers in the end anyway .. she gets too rattled with it all, and in the end, can't even really answer what she wants.
So I had to bring DH up to speed on all the above, and ask his input.
He said, "call the woman back and tell her to put in a couple of hours, she and her son . whatever they can do inside of about two hours .. and then call it quits .. if that doesn't handle it, .. and it likely won't ... it's a mess .. it's a h*lluva lot of work .. if that doesn't cover it, and take care of it .. then go ahead and leave .. and if need be we can send her and her son back another time to finish up and we'll pay for it .. but I don't want them out there breaking their backs in this heat .. working for hours and hours and hours .. and at the end, there's only a $50 bill for all that work. And it will upset mother if we have them working there all day .. doing all that .. and we cover the rest of it .. the expense .. just tell her to do just a couple of hours .. she and her son .. no more.
I asked of DH .. "do you think that a couple of hours will handle that mess back there, .. years and years and years of the yard guys blowing the yard trimmings and leaves from the riding mower, back into that area (that's what they all do, . yard crews don't bag yard debris anymore, they just ride their mower around and blow the clippings wherever they go) .. and all the sticks/limbs, etc. .. do you think 2 hours will cut it.
DH said, "no probably not it's a mess back there in that corner . that's why I haven't tackled it .. it's gonna be a job for whoever does it ... but 2 hours probably won't do it ..
I said, "do you want me to offer to pay them more .. so they can stay there longer".
He said, "No that will upset mother .. she'll see them there for hours and hours and hours doing all that back breaking work, and know that she is only paying them $50 .. and she'll be upset . .that they are there for hours and that's all she has to give them .. and then she'll be saying that and it will upset them. .. that they are taking the poor ole woman's last dollar".
It's like, I guess I should've thrown $500 at the whole yard .. with these folks .. *that's probably what it would cost as a fair price, .. my guess .. who the heck knows* .. and been done with it. But MIL insistent . so upset that "we paid" and wouldn't tell her how much .. and she wanted to do this next part .. she wanted us to leave it, and let her do it.
So the woman then contacts her and then we have a bunch of upheaval behind it all .. with the woman thinking she is taking advantage of a poor ole woman and taking her last dollars and she felt like she put MIL on the spot where maybe MIL would like to back outta this now .. and not have anything to do with all this ...
Old folks!!!!!!
All I tried to do was to keep DH from having to do the hurricane clean up last weekend .. that was my only mission ..
And look at the upheaval behind it all. Didn't ask for all this.
Had I not gotten in it, and hired it out .. DH would've been over there, night after night, after working all day .. he'd of been there the hours and hours it took them .. he'd of been there doing it. So I got it done, circumvented his doing it. But look at the upheaval this has all created.
Something so simple. All I wanted was to get her yard back to where it was before the hurricane .. (the back corner area has been a mess .. it's worse now .. since the hurricane . but it's been a mess for a long long time). And no the guy that comes on his riding mower . to cut her grass, . he's been approached previously .. doesn't do that .. all he does is ride his mower around and he's gone. No, he doesn't know anyone that does either.
DH has his head in the sand
SIL is feigning helplessness (there are ads for a Place for Mom EVERYWHERE!!)
YOU have to stop stepping up or acting interested. They need to fall back on their own resources.
MiL has a doctor. If he finds her not competent to talk to, he has a responsibility to call into an agency.
This is out of your hands, honey!
Dorker you have come to matter to folks you will never meet. That should tell you how many of us have been and still are where you are. Resentful? Yep. But remember that is like drinking poison and expecting another to get sick.
If your husband has all that time for church etc, he has time for his parent. My dinky little part time job keeps me unavailable for in laws too. And SIL saying she cannot afford AL for Queenie? Reread the list of narc traits. Paying your own way is being an adult. I laughed about the braces in her 60s to be honest. As adult child of alcoholic, I struggle to control situations. You can't. I couldn't. There is no fix here SNF on the track with heart attack or stroke. Then the real fun gathering docs for Medicaid begins...
Dorker, the fact that you KNOW you can hold a grudge means you can also change that behavior! The hardest part of "change" is accepting that you have a problem.
My MIL is the absolute QUEEN of grudge holding--she remembers things that happened 60, 70, 80 years ago as if they happened yesterday, and she is still exactly as mad as she was when the "thing" happened. She NEVER forgives. All this has done to her life is force people to run when they see her coming. She cannot forgive me for marrying and ruining her son's life. She is as mad at me today as she was the day we got married. The difference is: I DON'T CARE. Truly, not one iota. She's hurting herself. She has no friends, her 2 sons (one of whom is my hubby) will have to force themselves to jointly go visit her (and they stay 90 minutes, by the clock). BIL has a harder time, as he was the oldest child and took the brunt of her behavior- he will often come to town and make no effort to see her. My hubby will say "I should go see my mom" with the same enthusiasm as you'd say "I need a colonoscopy without anesthesia". He's offered me $100 cash to go with him to visit. No thanks.
My point is--grudge holding hurts you, and nobody else, You have to let go of all the "past" MIL weirdnesses and go forward with a better attitude. SHE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. To forgive her as best you can now, maintain strict boundaries and really, truly step away (meaning, you don't even TALK to SIL about MIL, and you don't talk to DH about her either---and you will find a lot of peace.) SIL and DH can blow up phone lines all day, but you don't have to do anything about it. Really and truly.
Now, you cannot control what others THINK of this, and there will be some people who will judge you harshly, but the truth--you know the truth: You did it all for many years and it's time to retire. Get off the merry go round, The music has stopped and the ride is over.
My older sister has stepped away 100% from mother's caregiving. Mother had an option recently to have aides in 3 days a week, which would have given her so much help and independence. She said YES! initially, then changed her mind. Sis said " good luck with the "independent living". I'm out." And she's done. She call screens everyone and doesn't talk to mother at all.
That's pretty tough, but for my sis, it's the only way she could stay sane. She is not terribly nurturing and doesn't waste time on foolish things.
Can you try for a week, simply not talking about MIL with SIL (avoid her calls and texts completely?) And leave DH alone. He probably feels totally overwhelmed and doesn't need you reminding him that SIL is reminding YOU.
In my marriage we have some "don't go there" subjects. We simply, DON'T GO THERE. Ever. It takes time and patience, but there are only a few and we simply have decided that they are negative and there's no changing the past, so we simply--never talk about it.
You know full well your MIL is going to do herself in through neglect. In you heart of hearts, you know she isn't changing or moving or doing anything but continuing the manipulation until the day she dies. Maybe accept that--and find peace in knowing that once upon a time, you had a good relationship. It's over. Grieve it and walk away.
Harsh words, I am sorry. My therapist is walking me through the forgiveness process.. and she was very clear about boundaries and not letting toxic people around you.
I say this b/c I care, and I think a lot of us see you still spinning, spinning...and it's not healthy. I'd hate for YOU to wind up sick b/c of MIL's narcissism.
Don't take us the wrong way.
We aren't being judgemental. Lot's of us have ridden the crazy train! Myself included!
We keep up with you on this site because your situation is compelling and oh so familiar in so many ways with what a lot of us former caregivers went thru.
We are interested in the complex dynamic, story, the characters.
But, we too know the pitfalls of banging your head against a wall that is not ready to move.
We want to know the story and how this will all play out.
We just don't want to see the teller of the tale go up in flames out of sheer frustration mentally or physically after she has stepped back.
"That's interesting" is a complete sentence. So is " no".
Go to lunch with a friend you haven't seen. Take your granddaughter on a fun mystery ride. Hang out with the babies. You need to do life affirming things and move from the toxicity of this scenario.
Neither SIL or DH want to force the issue and be responsible for a difficult, non compliant elder.
When you do engage, and start trying to sway them or doing what you did for MIL for 15 years and they are non compliant, you are jumping on the crazy train. IMHO
That doesn't come from a place of being educated in the field.
My opinion comes from my personal experience.
Please don't make your self sick over this.
Neither one of them is ready to get their ticket punched and hop on the crazy train.
It's a standoff.