I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
About DH - if he doesn't answer SIL but gets hinky when Dorker doesn't - that is absolutely ridiculous. SIL comes to Dorker when DH doesn't answer her texts but goes to DH when Dorker doesn't answer her texts - this woman needs a smack on the azz. She must do nothing all day but swirl and text.
Anyway - i love Surprise's suggestion.
So... Here's my plan for you: When SIL texts you for the remainder of this week into Sunday, and anything has to do with MIL, you ONLY respond, "She needs more care." That is what you believe, and no one is taking your hints. Might as well be blunt.
No other discussion of what SIL is saying is needed. SIL: "MOW did not show up yet, do you have any idea what happened? a traffic tie up?" Dorker's response: "She needs more care." SIL: "Yes, MOW needs to be more prompt. They are not being responsive to her needs." Dorker, who put her finger on top of her previous text response on her phone and sees a new menu, forwards the previous response, "She needs more care." SIL: "What will we do to get her fed tonight, you know she counts on that meal." Dorker: Forwards same response as before - a broken record. My rule is 3 strikes, you are out, and that's 3, so no more responses to SIL about MIL for the day. Instead, 4th line sent, you say, "How's your husband doing?"
Your SIL may be obsessing over MIL more when her own husband is recovering because that is so stressful to her in person. Maybe she's being avoidant too - perhaps that is something they learned in their family of origin.
Next morning: SIL: "There were some branches that fell last night and no one has done any yard clean up from that church. What is taking so long?" Dorker presses the same forwarding message, and sends, "She needs more care." 3 times that day. Then no more MIL messages, but instead, "How's your husband doing today?" If she does not answer anything, then she's done for the day.
Now if SIL happens to respond about her husband in all this, by all means, you respond to that! You want to train her to talk to you about anything but MIL.
You are concerned about DH being upset when you don't return SIL's texts. He himself does not return them, and what is good for the goose is good for the gander. (If you say you don't know if he does, ask him if you can look at his texts on his phone tonight. Most churchmen are fine with that. You can see *if* and *how* he responds, instead of just imagining.) By giving a week to your SIL of repeating "She needs more care," she has been informed that you are now a broken record on that issue, and if she wants to talk to you, it has to be about something else. You can tell hubby that you have tried retraining SIL to talk about anything else, and she can't and you won't be sucked in. You can do this, and we are at your elbow!
I think, it's a steep learning curve here for me, for whatever reason. For many many years, it was a joyful relationship .. as stated here.
From that, it evolved into one where I was SIL's eyes/ears/etc here on the ground, in real-time .. doing and doing .. and looking after MIL (and used to be FIL to a lesser extent, his health .. he didn't linger years and years).
Truthfully, for many many of those years .. I as all too happy to oblige.
However, .. it did evolve, eventually to the point it has been for some time now. I'm running my legs off, interrupting my world for need that is ever-increasing (as it will with elderly, that part is understandable). The part that became not manageable was that it was the never-ending cycle of the same things over and over (her failure to manage).
My assertion that this isn't working anymore, fell on deaf ears.
And so here we've been for the last several months as I struggle with this learning curve .. of backing out of it all.
I think I'd begun to do a better job, but spiraled having had to house MIL as refuge when the storm blew through here.
I know there are some here who would've, even with MIL under their roof .. refused to be "messenger" to SIL. Those messages could get to MIL or not .. via DH ... and if he isn't as responsive as he should be .. could be .. then so be it. Was probably trying to make the best of a difficult situation.
It reeled me back in. I wasn't completely out to begin with. But that situation reeled me back in. At least to the degree that I found my frustration level ratcheting up exponentially.
I recall all of us sitting outside in the screen room, still no power. And SIL with her never-ending micro-managing. Yet another reminder that the fridge needs to be purged at MIL's. And my frustration at that point, through the roof, and expressing same, .. with MIL and DH right there. "Does she think we are children here that need repeated reminders??!??!". DH confirming the frustration and saying himself out loud, "I already told her we'd take care of it". My asking him, "then why is she texting me?, .. why doesn't she take it that it will be handled".
That's when MIL interjected that she'd gotten so put out with her that she was so insistent that MIL go see some doc (a doc MIL didn't care to attend to) .. and that she'd gotten frustrated with her daughter and told her she can't go to all these doctors .. she isn't able to do it, and that if SHE think sit's so all-fire important then get her azz on a plane and get down here and help her to do it".
In other words, MIL chiming in, in agreement, that this daughter of her's .. OCD .. whatever her problem is ...
I remember at that particular juncture, I could've literally thrown my phone across the room I was so frustrated. It's enough .. dealing with the loss of power for days .. and living off of a generator for any source of any power (it only powers a fan, tv, a lamp, the fridges/freezers). It's hot. It's miserable. And to have someone harranging in your ear .. "don't forget mother's fridge".
I couldn't, not at that point (in fact, really can't .. just put my phone in a drawer and walk away from it) .. but more to the point, in that time frame .. that's how my mom stayed in touch with me, cell phone(s) .. all family in fact.
Pretty much, .. I could do away with my landline .. my cell is how everyone reaches me, .. and generally via text (which is actually what I prefer.. I may be busy and can't talk at the moment, so text me, I'll answer you when I can).
Going to need someone to be my coach here, right at my elbow. LOL.
Fortunately I haven't heard a word from MIL or from SIL .. (I assume the CT scan done the other day must not have had any earth shattering news, .. which is shocking to me .. I would've figured her ordered to the hospital for tx of fluid build up). But you see, this is me .. trying to disengage. I haven't reached out to SIL or to DH or to MIL for that matter, as to the findings. I'm trying to disengage from it all, because .. in the end .. it doesn't matter. Yes, I could ck in with one of them, and maybe even hear "oh they wanted her to go straight to the hospital .. she won't do it". Nothing would surprise me.
Yes .. I will be, going forward, making more of a concerted effort, .. for my own sake (what's done is done with regard to MIL .. it's now about my own sanity) .. to back up from it, and not engage in texts sent this way. Just discard them. Though I may be coming here for moral support to ignore.
Do you want more validation from all the parties involved? Do you feel that MIL, SIL and esp. DH are not showing adequate gratitude for the last 15 years of care? That's understandable. Tell them, if that's part of the problem.
Or, you're holding this grudge about all the stuff that has gone on and you cannot let go of it. In order to be even remotely OK about MIL's craziness, you HAVE to forgive her for getting old and batty.
Yep, SIL should be there, directing it all. DH should step up, but he isn't going to. You can't manage what is happening so you ARE angry and disheartened. But---NOTHING IS GOING TO CHANGE UNTIL MIL WANTS IT TO. Period. She's got all the control, and you're all puppets in her show.
I wouldn't talk about MIL with anyone, not the kids, not hubby, not the people at church. When I "disengaged" from my mother, it was hard, but I found that she didn't miss/need me at all. She hasn't even bothered to learn my phone number and I've had the same one for 39 years. I would hear of a problem of hers and immediately jump into action, making it all better. Next week: new problem, same dynamic. She may have been grateful for the help, don't know. I don't care if she acknowledges me. I DON'T hold grudges--they are like cancers.
Truly, unless you completely refuse to talk about or to MIL for a while--the same things will continue to happen.
This is a problem for your HUSBAND and his SISTER. You can be supportive of hubby, but DO NOT get involved. Don't keep saying "I'm out" b/c you obviously aren't.
No offense intended--I just wonder how much you read of people's advice to you and how much you blow off b/c you need to vent (which is just fine--but we take time to think through what we are trying to say--and frankly, I don't know that you are listening.
That's my 2 cents worth. I wish you the best.
YOU think you're being clear with SIL because you've said something once, weeks ago, in a round about way.
If you are going to respond, you need to do it EVERY TIME and forcefully.
As in, when an text comes in, if you ARE going to answer it "Oh, I thought she was fine, she was going to manage".
If you are going to respond (and I think going no contact is the best option, it's the ONLY way that SIL is going to GET that you are not engaged, too busy with babies, etc), you need to respond, not with a suggestion, but with "She needs more care".
Dont' engage with suggesting low cost options.
Just "she needs more care than we can provide; you need to have this conversation with her. Not engaging in this enabling project any longer".
Otherwise, just stop reading her texts
SIL then telling me, "yea I did talk to them, sounds like the crews that were mobilized have all but disbanded, sounds like there will be a wait".
I answered that, "maybe the neighbor can expedite that, since you're in touch with her, I'd maybe see if you can prod her along on that mission".
(done that way on purpose on my part, come in 2nd guessing .. after the fact .. as to how I did things). I did what I set out to do. And nothing more.
I did say that about her needing more care .. when SIL was asserting that she is struggling with transportation issues. She said that she had been in touch with the elderly council here locally and that they don't really provide that .. that they seem to be more about "in home" services. And they referred her to our local municipality that runs metro bus services. I responded, "sounds like a plan".
(I happen to know, MIL will crawl .. before she'll ride a city/municipal bus). She's "too good for that".
I have suggested it in the past. I happen to know, anyone who is observant knows it .. there is a smaller bus .. ADA equipped .. for just this sorta thing. Those who can't get to their various appointments on their own. One has to qualify .. obviously ... and once on the list, .. it's just a matter of notifying them 24 hours in advance .. that you have an appt at so and so street and need to be there at such and such time. The bus .. it comes .. driver comes to your door, .. and helps/assists you onto the bus .. and then .. stops along the way for others who have the same needs .. and then you are taken to the spot you have specified .. and there you are assisted off the bus and to the door of the location.
THAT is a service here locally. And it has been suggested by me, in the past. But no sale.
There are also of course, home health aides (would be considerably more expensive) .. and so that is an option also.
But there again, SIL lamenting that she is struggling trying to find her mother transportation to all the doctors she has to see (wanted to say to her, .. DUH ................why do you think I was DONE WITH THIS).
Not my circus, not my monkeys. She probably got more input from me on the above than should be fair. I should've .. and maybe I will strive to do so .. in the future .. left it unanswered.
I did tell SIL .. when she asserted as to the transportation debacle .. my answer to that was also, "Sounds to me like a more supervised setting might provide that for her .. they have their shuttle buses that one an utilize for such things".
You see .. answering to any of this is an exercise in futility. She only responded, "Wish I could afford that". I answered that with, "there are income reduced options .. the one where ydd worked, being one of many here locally".
She said, in response .. "then there's her dog". I said, "the one where ydd worked, allowed small pets .. a lot of them do".
She said (see .. you try to reason .. and it does no good) .. this all started out by my pointing out the obvious .. now I find I'm in a debate session on the merits and pitfalls of their approach to it all. Her response: "I guess to her, home is just easier .. she just opens the door and lets the dog out .. and if she went somewhere to live it wouldn't be that easy".
The only reason that dialogue even began was because I'd answered to her dilemma on the transportation issue, .. ".......she needs a more supervised setting where transportation/shuttles are available".
It's an exercise in futility. So .. you try to stay out of the fray .. and just answer something benign .. "I'm sure you'll work it out" .. "that's nice", ... "I'm sure she's glad she has you in her corner". Something non committal.
The MOW .. not my circus .. and so I just answer to that, "I'm sure you'll work it out".
Try answering it with the above, "Gee, sounds to me like she'd benefit from a more supervised setting for her residence", you find yourself in a debate session.
Not going there with her.
It's their decision and I'm firmly on that page . it's not going to change. That has been plainly obvious for months now. It's not going to change!
So .. the various things that get run up the flagpole .. my learning curve has to start at "how to disengage" and not even go there .. at all.
He did.
So did I.
YOU are not responsible for getting MIL more help. Her children are, if they so desire.
Just stop responding.
If DH wants to have a conversation with you about why you've gone "no contact", you tell him it's because being advised of the terrible situation she's in is giving you high blood pressure and going to cause you to have a nervous breakdown.
"Mom" is being neglected by her children who should know better.
One of THEM needs to accompany her to the doctor and talk to the doctor about what she NEEDS and THEY are going to get that for THEIR mom.
IF you want to continue to answer SIL (and I don't advise it, but you may find it necessary" you say:
MOW: "Oh, she needs meals EVERY day now? Isnt that an indication that she needs more care?"
Yard Work: "You know, I did what I could. Since you seem to know better how to get it done, why don't you just take that over? Seems to me that if she can't afford proper yardwork , she shouldn't be living there at all, hmmmm?"
Getting to doctors: "Mom seems quite ambivalent about all these interventions. You need to talk to her about palliative care, don't you think?"
I want to say a few things, from just reading through the "latest"..and I don't want to offend you in any way--these are just observations.
-You say that most texts from SIL are about MIL.
-You say you are disinterested in them...but after reading them, you are "seething".
-MOW is MIL's problem. You don't need to be involved in that at all? Why is it still an issue? And yes, running a plate of dinner to MIL is very kind of you--when it's convenient for you to do so.
-You say that no one else who visits MIL says anything about her stating she can "manage" by herself. Ok again, not your problem. Just be glad she'll let someone in to take care of her.
-Your life is MORE complicated. Again, you LET it be so. Answering and acknowledging all of SIL's texts and phone calls must eat up your whole day. Trying to chase down yard workers for her and getting upset over that mess--when you knew she wasn't going to be happy, no matter what they did.
-BUT--you feel it doesn't matter what you think. And that's true. It doesn't. She's NOT your mother.
-DH has stayed away--taken his ball and left the game. Very typical avoidant behavior and if she was my mom I'd do the same. Trust me--he's VERY aware of what is going on, but running a business, being involved in church things--AND dealing with a crazy mom--he's toasted. Getting texts all day from SIL and then you bringing up stuff about MIL as soon as he walks in the door--poor guy.
-You still speak of the "catastrophic event" and IT ALREADY HAPPENED. The Hurricane? Did it change ANYTHING AT ALL? Nope, just made MIL really dig in her heels. And brought the whole mess of having to hire outside help to clean up. Again, you're in the middle of organizing this for MIL.
-Why the HECK does it matter if your hubby hires this kid to work for him? That's hubby's job and he can hire and fire as he needs. If the kid is slow, then he's going to notice it immediately, your hubby probably feels like he's being micromanaged by all the women in his life. You, SIL AND MIL repeating to him the same thing "watch out, if you hire this kid, he may be slow".
_I am fully aware that this board is a place to vent and be angry and frustrated and we don't judge. BUT--you still aren't near enough out of the picture with MIL. It's almost like you've become addicted to the drama---and nobody will fault you for that.
IF you truly want peace from the day-to-day and detach, then you HAVE to quit communicating with SIL. And MIL. (not forever, but for the forseeable future)...and PLEASE, when DH comes home after a long day--DO NOT bring up your issues of the day with SIL & MIL. Just act as if they don't exist. If DH brings up MIL, talk about the issue he may have, then don't dwell on it. Let HIM be the guide of what he does/doesn't want to talk about. Believe me, he's feeling plenty guilty/angry/exhausted by all of this.
How do you detach?? Follow chdottir's advice. Don't even look at your phone. Can you try to go 2 days w/o it? As a cell phone "hater" I have one only b/c my family insists I do. I HATE texts, they are terse and have no emotion. I like to TALK to people, but if I tried that tack, I'd never talk to 2 of my kids as they ONLY text...no talking.
Dorker--you are better in many ways--but still WAY too involved in this. You are not going to effect ANY changes in MIL. You can only help yourself.
Right now, you have those sweet grandbabies to love on--and the 4 yo. Enjoy them. Make a life for yourself that is not centered around MIL. In fact, she shouldn't even be in your top 10 of "worries", since it's been proven she just can't have a "normal" relationship with you anymore. Grieve for what you DID have, and move on.
I'm sorry if I come off harsh--truth is, I detached from my MIL many years ago. And I am semi-detached from my mother. I wish I'd had wonderful relationships with these women and that just wasn't to be. For my own mental health, I do not see my MIL more than once a year. My own mother? A few times a month. My hubby and I never speak about either of them, ever. No point.
MIL is still running the show with her sidekick from afar. Don't buy a ticket, don't go to the show. (It's a re-run anyway)
Hugs & good luck---
Midkid
Can't seem to get her on that page. Yes, .. true .. she isn't "overtly" asking me to do anything anymore. That's true"
Dorker - step back a bit.
You CAN'T make anyone, except yourself, do anything,
It is not your circus and not your monkeys to get sil to do anything differently than she is. Like mil she is making her own decisions -good of bad, and it is not your job to try to change her.
All you can do us change your response to her. Many have suggested going N/C perhaps over anything to do with mil which is pretty well everything these days.
I repeat - it is NOT your job to try to change sil. Detach from her and the whole mess.
What is also "my right" is to refuse to partake in any of it.
Therein lies the problem. Making SIL understand that her micro-managing from afar is going to be a whole lot more cumbersome and difficult ... without having me as her eyes/ears/feet/voice .. on the ground here, in real time.
Can't seem to get her on that page. Yes, .. true .. she isn't "overtly" asking me to do anything anymore. That's true.
She is however, what I would term "hinting". I don't take the bait. And won't be taking the bait. She has a brother here, .. and according to MIL's words .. finds fault that he isn't engaged anymore than he is .. and that she, (her words) tells her all the time, "leave him alone .. now don't bother him".
So she drops subtle hints .. in my direction .. "what should I pay the housekeeper for transport to docs", .............. "can't seem to get the MOW folks to understand that mother also needs weekend meals" ....................."mother's fridge is going to need to be cleaned out of all perishables, so she doesn't eat spoiled foods" ..............."mother's yard is going to be a mess .. that's going to have to get looked after to get it cleaned up".
Therein I think lies my biggest beef with it all.
If you are going to leave her with the mantra, "she can manage, she'll be fine". Then let her. Why are you always in my face with all that needs doing, (yes, even though you aren't asking me to do it .. but you ARE HINTING).
Fine, you want to leave her be . .. to manage .. then let her. Get out of my ear with it all.
Some of it, is my fault. I don't have to answer to her. And I don't always. And likely going forward, there will be less and less of my "answering" to her. She can twist in the wind with her "hints". There will be no response at all, neither one of confirmation of having read it, .. or .. response of any well wishes .. that she works it out somehow. Just . no response .. none.
It's rare that she texts anything other than her mother's problems and how she is working to manage this or that. Rare.
But she does, on occasion.
So .. as to why DH would find it suitable that he can ignore her, but I can't.
It would play out about like .. her maybe sending me a text on something completely unrelated to MIL and her situation. I ignore it, because I'm no longer even pulling up and looking at her texts at all. Eventually .. after a couple of weeks or so of that, and DH might ask me is something wrong with my phone, .. that sister had sent me a text about so and so and their latest ....(fill in the blank) .. nothing to do with MIL, at all. And that she's not heard a word from me, wondered if my phone has a problem.
I'd answer DH that no, .. my phone is fine .. I just don't really choose to read her texts anymore .. mostly they have to do with your mom and you know how I feel about all that.
That would be met with, "well she wasn't even bugging you about mom .. she was just trying to tell you (fill in the blank). Me, *oh well that's interesting, tell her when you talk to her that you let me know and that I said that's interesting*.
A few times of that and DH would then begin to question, "what the hey? .. why do you completely ignore her .. she isn't ALWAYS talking about mother and she knows not to ask you to be doing anything .. she knows .. we all do ... ".
Me: "H*ll, you ignore her, .. why do you expect I do anything any different".
Him: "Well she doesn't ALWAYS bug you about mother .. sometimes she's talking about something entirely different .. and you don't even talk to her anymore, don't you think that's being overly harsh .. ".
Me: "No, I don't think that's being overly harsh .. 9/10th's of the time it IS about your mom and I'm just over it .. so no ... I just kinda don't really have much interest in her texts anymore .. she can pass along to me what she needs to, via you if she wants".
Him: Disgusted .. "I think you're being ridiculous .. she is just trying to talk to you, you guys were once close .. she isn't even talking to you about mother .. it was about (fill in the blank) and you won't even answer her, .. that's just cruel, .. you're just being mean".
Me: "See it how ya want".
Why have all that animosity.
That's about how it would play out.
As I've told him countless times, .. "you would never .. ever ... find yourself in a position of fielding concerns .. about one of my parents .. from my siblings .. it wouldn't happen .. they'd be coming to me with it .. if there was a concern .. and I'd be .. in real time .. here on the ground, dealing with it .. you wouldn't have to".
I think the problem lies in .. at least for me .. getting SIL on the page that she's going to have to manage her mom .. from afar .. absent my participation .. and guilting me, hinting at me .. is not going to work.
Yes it torques me .. indeed it does .. when she lays a hint bomb at my feet.
But I have to find a way to not let it. That's my problem!
Has DH told you you would be unreasonable, disrespect,etc, etc, or you are assuming he would think that if you quit answering texts? Are that's just the way YOU would feel if you went NC.
I think the only one that might think that would be SIL...the one that went behind your back and recruited YDD.
Dh can ignore sil's texts but would blame you for being unreasonable, un-family, disrespectful - whatever - if you were to do the same?
Why are his boundaries more important than yours? Especially, given the fact it's HIS sister and HIS mother?
Personally, I would never expect my dh to deal with my brother - if in fact, I am unwilling/unable - for whatever reason short of being comatose- to do so myself.
Just sayin'...
I think DH had the conversation with MIL last time she was in the hospital, things need to change, you need more care, something along those lines. As I recall MIL got pretty nasty with him. So, he has made an attempt.
I think SIL has made the attempt to get MIL to come stay with her. MIL made it clear she wants no part of that when she was sheltering at your home during the storm. She made it pretty clear her daughter drives crazy.
Sadly, MIL is still in control of her life. Anyway you look at it. Legally, what's in her best interest or not. She is still in control. No one, at this point can make her do ANYTHING she doesn't want to do.
You keep mentioning DH and SIL sitting down with her and having an adult conversation trying to "force the issue". Take a step back...look at it as an outsider...not as a fixer...not as someone that "knows" what needs to be done. Really, how do you see that conversation going?
DH tried, SIL tried. And you are still jumping up and down fixing to blow a gasket that no one can "fix this".
At this point the only one that can "fix this" is MIL. As much as you don't like it or will admit it, MIL is in CONTROL. It's her life.
All the messy details, her meds, the yard, her meals, Drs appts, leave to MILs children. What they choose to do or not do or when to do them is their business.
When you attempted to do a kind thing for DH and get yard taken care you dipped your toes back in to the pool and got sucked in to the vortex. Lesson learned?
I have forgotten who is taking MIL to her appt today to get CAT Scan results?
Dear SIL, I am getting really stressed by all the discussion about MIL. I REALLY need a break for my own mental health. My plan is to only look at texts or emails about MIL once a week. I just wanted to give you a heads up so you understand when you don't see immediate responses. If there is an emergency you can contact DH.
And then immediately stop looking at her texts. Don't argue, don't explain or justify further. Just stop. Even better, see if you can find some way to not be notified when they come in. Then once a week when you feel up to it you can scroll through them - BUT DON"T ACT ON THEM.
I can tell you still haven't stepped back from this all. You can't understand why SIL and MIL and DH aren't acting in a logical manner. This won't change so quit trying.
We had to step back and let my MIL fall on a daily basis, where she had to call 911 to get her back up. She wasn't leaving her home, and that was that. So that was her choice and we had to let her make it.
Seriously - DO NOT EVEN LOOK AT SIL's TEXTS.
The old lady at your church was right. MIL can choose to stay in her house and suffer the consequences - which at 87 - how much longer will she really be here anyway?
I would love to see you shut off your phone and put it in the drawer for 48 hours.
At that time, SIL had said she was going to "Try" to get her mother to go to where she lives for a while .. (her unable to come here).
That failed. MIL not going any where. Period.
I exited the scene about the time dd's pregnancy began to ratcher up with some problems (as they do with multiples pregnancies) .. and the birth of the twins.
In that time .. there have been "others" deployed. Housekeeper to name one. Ydd, ..
At the time, when I became angry/upset by the notion that not only was SIL not going to come here to attend to her mother, nor was her mother going any where ... MIL's assertion was, "now don't you worry about me, I'll be fine .. I will manage".
Well "others" have had to be deployed in it all, afterall, haven't they.
And .. at one time, .. MIL was absolutely adamant that she was NOT going to allow MOW. She didn't want someone coming to her door everyday .. and she didn't "like" what they serve.
That too, .. has changed.
I can only hope (and question as a matter of fact) .. why it is that I'm the only one that is engaged in it all (or was) .. that has the mindset she needs to be where there is more supervised care.
She has had OT on the scene, brief as it was. She had PT on the scene .. which she ultimately kicked to the curb. She had a Home Health Nurse ... and that has run it's course. The Home Health Nurse, only a part of the scene, to ck vitals .. and to help with med management. (how much that helps when it isn't someone there on the scene every day, 3 and 4 x's daily to hand the pills out on time, every time, .. not real helpful). The Home Health Nurse has run the gamut of what she was assigned to be on the scene to do.
How come none of these other folks have reported (at least to my knowledge) that she fails to "manage".
I think the reason that I've even stayed involved at all, is because I do care about MIL .. (find her extremely frustrating though) .. and I do worry about her well being. Though, .. not enough to step back into that fray. Not going to happen.
Today would be a great for instance. I would love to know, the findings .. results .. when she visits PCP today .. and him having ordered a cardio consult (cancelled by MIL) and a chest xray .. (chest xray that ultimately somehow turned into a CT scan .. not an xray .. somebody's wires crossed .. who knows) .. MIL cancelling said appt . but ultimately then putting it back on the radar, and ydd took her to it. So she is to see the PCP today for follow up on that, and I would love to know.
I haven't gotten to the point that I don't care. I don't care what ANY results are.
I SHOULD ............NOT CARE.
Because .. it doesn't seem to matter one way or the other.
Seems, the doc himself could say to her, .. or to SIL for that matter .. "She is not safe to live alone anymore", and both would still dig in their heels and that's just what they'd do.
So why bother "caring" anymore.
And .. yes .. I have DH ... and he SHOULD be in the know on these things. But the truth is .. he is so out of the loop. I doubt he even has any realization at all, that his mother was seen for shortness of breath .. and concern thereof .. and that there were follow ups ordered, and that she is to meet again with PCP on those findings. All of that .. he is just impervious to it all.
I think, .. I have to continue to try to find a balance between .. not going NC (no contact) with SIL .. that would be throwing the baby out with the bathwater as they say. And .. being a part of this family for almost 40 years .. and suddenly I am NC ... would seem as though it's sour grapes on my part, "you all won't do things MY WAY .. so I'm taking my ball and going home .. I'm not playing with you anymore".
It does, indeed, .. send me reeling .. when I watch .. all the micro-management that goes on. You do want to scream, .. what the h*ll is wrong with you?, .. why won't you do the one thing you NEED TO BE DOING .. which is to get your mother, you and your brother .. all 3 of you sit the h*ll down and make it clear that she has to have a more supervised setting?!?!?? And stand firm in that.
It does make me NUTS. Sends me reeling. It does. I wish it didn't.
It's like .. the words DH said, .. when I was getting so angry with him .. weeks ago .. that they won't PUSH this agenda. And his words, "she wants to stay IN HER HOME .. and go to that cloud in the sky .. from her home .. she DOES NOT want to go to a NH or AL .. so that's what we're going to try to do .. we're going to try to honor her wishes".
So I then responded, "Well you do realize ...?!?!?!?....you are putting her at far greater risk for a catastrophic event in allowing that latitude ..and you all are continuing to allow someone who is VERY OBVIOUSLY cognitively impaired to continue to call the shots here .. that's okay with you guys".
His words in response .. resonate .. as I continue to try to grab ahold of this frustrating mindset. "If the catastrophic event takes her out of the home .. then so be it ..that's what she wants and we're going to try to allow that to be the order of the day".
So .. my brain over here .. trying to grapple with how that's a better approach ... can't get ahold of it and embrace it.
It's like I'M THE ONE that isn't on the page that THEY ARE ON. Not the other way around.
I have talked with him about how he will feel when his mother has some catastrophic event .. at the hands of allowing her this latitude .. and she now lays ... as the uncle did, .. a vegetative state .. for 2 years .. how will you feel when that's her fate .. and it's at the hands of her refusal to take her meds as she should ... you think you'll be okay with that.
His answer is along the lines .. "so be it .. this is what she wants .. she does not want to leave her home".
It was interesting, .. I was talking with an elderly lady at church (she uses a walker, had a stroke) .. has a myriad of issues .. she has a husband who does everything for them .. the house cleaning, the cooking, helping her, etc etc. She has a vague awareness of the issue with DH's mother (she is actually closer to DH than she is to me), this elderly woman. She asked me about the situation. I gave her the cliff notes version. Her answer: "Ya know, sometimes that's all you can do .. I know I don't want to have to leave my home either .. I want to stay in my home .. fortunately I have my husband, at this point, .. if I didn't .. I can't imagine how I would manage". I said to her, "She doesn't have a husband, or anyone else for that matter, it's all just piece mealed together, and not very well managed". She still said, "sometimes .. if that's what they want .. then you just have to let nature take it's course ... ". I said to her, "I have a hard time, really really hard time, wrapping my brain around why anyone would choose a demise in that manner, really hard time with it. If you know that you struggle with taking your meds as you should, and taking care of yourself .. and managing your own life .. wouldn't you want to be somewhere where you can get assistance with those things". She said in answer to that, .. "not everyone does ... no ... and you have to, .. if she is capable of calling the shots . you have to let her".
It's like, I'M THE ONE NOT ON THE RIGHT PAGE HERE.
I'm done fighting about pushing any agenda to send her elsewhere. Done with it. It's not going to happen, ever. Unless some "event' precipitates that move.
What I have to do is find a way to not have these things send me reeling .. when SIL sends me texts .. (hint hint) .. of the things she struggles with trying to manage it all from afar.
The text she sent about how much to pay the housekeeper for transport services. That one was answered (truthfully) .. basically .. you're on your own .. I have no knowledge on that to be advising you.
The text she sent about struggling to get MOW for weekends .. that one was answered, "I'm sure you'll get it worked out".
The texts .. while MIl was sheltering here, .. asking about cleaning out the fridge, .. yard work, etc.
The texts wherein she was imparting that it's okay for her mom to bale out on the cardio consult (afterall, that is *probably* .. her words ... only because they had rx'd .. over the phone .... a BP med to address the unexplained spike in BP .. a med she never even filled at the drug store .. so no need to go to a cardio consult), .. that it was okay for her mom to bale out on the chest xray .. she just had one in July when she was hospitalized.
Some of the above .. done because MIL was sheltering here ... no way to reach her mother, phones down, power out .. and so .. word that needed passed along to her mom, sent via me, .. text.
My charge it to somehow .... I don't know how to do it .......gotta find it though .. to not be so emotionally charged with it all.
Their decision is their decision (not one I agree with, at all) .. but it's THEIR decision .. to allow this cognitively impaired person with a myriad of seriously chronic health issues, to continue to call the shots as to how she will be managed, with SIL .. nervous neurotic SIL at the helm. That's their approach. I don't agree with it, .. but I also don't agree with other things ... that have to do with politics/religion .. world affairs, etc etc etc. Just because I don't agree .. doesn't mean they are going to step up and do things MY WAY.
What you'd like to do .. when these texts come .. as SIL ... managing yet one more d*mned confounded thing .. you'd like to answer her with some glib smart azz remark .. "how's that working for ya .. managing your mom .. who needs to be in a more supervised setting .. go for it .. knock yourself out, leave me out of it".
But that is in bad form, .. the whole "told ya so". And I won't do it.
I don't really feel comfortable going NC ....
I think that will create more problems than it solves. For one, .. DH ... who I do love and care about ... in spite of the fact that he needs/should be more dug in and wading through it all, than he is, by far. He would find that hard to understand ... "that's my sister .. she's doing the best she can to manage the whole thing .... that's our mom .. we love her and we're just trying to honor what she wants ... why would you get to a place where you aren't on speaking terms with my sister .. that's just being unreasonable and mean".
He knows, .. he knows it all too well, .. thus he chooses to ignore her .. a LOT .. he knows how supremely annoying and frustrating she can be.
I think .. now that MIL is no longer sheltered here .. the texts will lessen .. as to her mother's comings and goings .. and when they do come .. as was the case with the whole "mother's neighbors have church folks that are mobilized to clean yards ... we coulda used them". I'll just ignore those kinds of texts and not respond.
I did respond to the above .. and instructed that MIL still wants that back corner cleaned out .. have them do that portion for her.
She, (you don't get something for nothin .. as my mom always said) .. follow through on that, only to be told .. the crews mobilized to do that, have all but disbanded. HA! So there! Good luck with that.
I think, I will .. as we go forward ... and texts that seek my input .. and have to do with the mother .. will go unanswered, or either a benign .. not committing response. Hopefully, ... now that MIL is no longer sheltered here, .. the whole, "would you tell mother that ____________________ and __________________ and ask her if _______________ and so and so". That will cease now.
I haven't heard from the SIL or the MIL .. since the whole debacle about whether to send the mom and son team .. I did send them .. as DH advised.
DH .. expressing frustration this morning. Says his mom called him late last night. (I guess the mom and son team did come there). Don't know how much they got accomplished and if she's happy with what was done, he didn't ask his mother (don't think he cares ............ remember, he is aware of that back corner and her worriation about it, and hasn't seen fit in the years it's been that way to address it himself, considering it a non issue).
He, expressing some frustration this morning. The mother called him last night and expressed (I had talked to the kid when I was there .. asking if he is available to help DH . on occasion .. if needed, .. just day labor stuff .. and the kid had answered that he can). MIL heard this conversation.
I did tell DH .. about this kid .. and that he could probably all on him for day-labor stuff if need be, but that he is .. he does appear to be a little *slow*. Watching him .. cleaning the yard ... (his mother .. however .. quite the opposite of the kid) .. watching him .. he'd go pick up 3 sticks/limbs and haul them to the barrel to be hauled out front. You would wonder to yourself ... why is he only picking up 3 sticks ... there are 40 .............. pick up about 9 or 10 .. all that you can carry .. why are you making more trips for yourself. So .. a little *slow* ............... just not all that sharp .. mentally maybe.
I did tell DH that ... "if you use him to do digging or some other just labor stuff .. you'll need to be watchful in that he just isn't all that sharp .. he could be working smarter than he does".
So DH aware of that. Not that DH is going to hire the guy .. he'd just be using him for odd jobs here and there, if he even does so.
So DH found it frustrating last night to have rec'd a call from MIL .. "you know, I just wanted to tell you that if you use that kid .. I hope you aren't thinking of trying to hire him .. he's just not all that sharp .. he's kinda slow mentally .. I watched him work and he will go pick up 3 little sticks to haul over there, .. when he could be picking up a bunch of them .. he just doesn't work very smart".
DH frustrated with that. I had already shared that with DH .. and he is "aware". That doesn't preclude DH from maybe utilizing the kid .. at some point .. dependent upon whatever the situation might be that he'd need an extra strong back and strong arms on a jobsite. He would still do so .. he'd just have to stay after the kid more so than maybe someone sharper and more skilled.
I said in response to DH's frustration with it all. Your mom is never happy. She can't get any yard guys to go do that job .. they aren't interested .. probably because ... whoever does it, it's a nightmare to do .. and she isn't very articulate at what precisely she wants .. that whole area out there .. used to be a fern bed . that she herself planted eons ago .. and it's now all raised .. because it became a berm of earth from all the compost and such ..and the ferns now sparse in it all .. and then sticks/limbs and so forth from other storms .. it's a nightmare to deal with .. you don't even want to deal with it. I'm out .................. I hired the kid .. he enlisted his mom to come help .. I was paying for the job to clean up hurricane debris .. that's it, .. that was my only intent .. and I saw that through to it's conclusion .. I was done. She then wanted that back area cleaned out .. and so she was the one that took the notion to see to it they do that, and pay them .. only to, in the end, become all frazzled and rattled with the whole prospect and the woman now calling me as to direction here .. your mom feeling as though maybe she shouldn't proceed ... your sister now having found a church that does it for free, muddying up the waters .... I'm out ... I don't care".
DH in agreement.
I asked him, "was she happy with what they did, is she satisfied now that the back corner is finally dispensed with".
He said, "I didn't ask her, I don't care".
He said, "her whole purpose in calling me was to let me know that this kid is a *slow on the uptake* sort .. and that I shouldn't be utilizing him for anything work related".
It's very interesting that I talked with our son in law. He has a grandmother that is widowed, lives local. I asked him about her yard and clean up. I presumed he would be on that task, he and his stepfather. Nope.
He said that his grandmother has a yard guy .. that the yard guy had come the very next day and got it all cleaned up. I asked him how much did the guy charge her, if he knew. He didn't know. Said that the guy is really good .. that he cuts her grass weekly, .. and keeps the beddings of flower beds trimmed and edged and cleaned out, trims hedges, etc etc etc. Said his g'mother pays him, $150 a month.
That made me reflect on the number of yard folks MIL has been through. Too many to count.
The way yard crews work around here .. we have about 9 months of the year that the grass needs to be cut .. it grows .. probably 9 months of the year. The other 3 mos, it's really kinda dormant, and doesn't need to be cut .. if any .. maybe once a month.
Yard crews generally charge, depending on the size of the lot they are cutting grass on ... about $30. That's what MIL pays. She only has them come every-other-week, .. not wanting to spend the $ to have the guy come weekly.
So then, .. she approaches said yard guy about trimming/edging flower beds, cleaning them out of all the leaves and debris .. and re-mulching ... trimming hedges, edging driveway .. so forth and so on .. and of course that is a horse of a different color as to pricing. And so they then quote whatever price they want for it, and she .. absolutely indignant that they would be so high ... "I don't understand it, the guy comes thru here on his riding mower, and he's done in under an hour and charges me $30 for it ... and then I ask that they do something extra and they want to take me to the cleaners".
SIGH
There again .. managing a large home .. that you should no longer be living in.
The lot there is a fairly large residential lot .. and when her husband was alive .. he planted lots of blooming shrubbery and flowers and trees and so forth .. and so .. he's been gone now for many years. But the yard .. still there .. and her living there .. and it has to be maintained. Shrubs that grow all leggy with spindles that need to be trimmed back, flower beds that get over-run .. with weeds and yard debris and need re-mulching and cleaned out.
She has gone thru so so so many yard crews for the above reason. Gets put out with them, because they want an arm and a leg to do anything extra.
There was a time that I referred a lawn guy to her .. an elderly gentleman in our church had been happy with the guy for eons .. and told me of him, at my request. I referred him to MIL .. and she met with him, employed him to do her yard. That too, soon went south, when he wanted to "charge her an arm and a leg" for anything extra.
I could very easily find out who son in law's g'ma uses .. (charges her $150 a month and comes weekly and that entails him doing the extras). Nope .. not going to do it.
I'm out of that line of work now .. I don't make referrals or give advice .. any longer ...
My input .. obviously worthless. On all the fronts.
So be it.
Yes, I will have to find a way to not be so emotionally charged in it all. Going NC .. is not really going to be a viable option ... not if I want to maintain some peace in my own orbit as to the fact that these are DH's family .. and he obviously loves them .. sees the problems .. just as plain as I do ... but .. he would find fault with my going NC .. and to me, that does seem like overkill.
BUT ........... my own fault that I can't seem to find a way to "detach" from it all, to the degree that it's "their" problem, not mine.
SIL with her continual "hints" .. (how much should I pay the housekeeper for transport, .. still can't seem to get the MOW folks to see that mother also needs weekend meals). Hint/hint.
Find a way to "detach" from it all.
However, and this is a big however, sil has demonstrated that her mode of operation is to do whatever she deems necessary- a "take no prisoners" style, willing and able to throw you, your daughter, the neighbors and the housekeeper, under the bus to achieve her objectives.
You should consider yourself free of any need to respond to sil in any way - at all. Period. You can bet she'd do it to you if it fit her need.
Of course, in that, .. she has no way of knowing that on this end, it causes me to seethe .. usually. I answer, if I do, rather benign like.
A good for instance, .. the other day her sending me a text, "Still working with the MOW folks to try to get weekend meals for mother, .. not sure why that's a whole other process".
That got a response of "I'm sure you'll work it out".
She then sent another text telling me about their weather (unusually warm there for this time of year) and I then responded affirmatively that it is unusual for them, but that we're still suffering .. as IS usual for us, .. in the 90's, it'll be that way for a while.
So I do talk to her, if she talks of something other than her mother. Though most of what she texts, has to do with her mother's situation.
And yes, it wasn't lost on me that she sent a text she is struggling with the MOW folks about weekend meals. Hint/hint .. would you care to step up and provide meals for mother on weekends, til I can get this straightened out. No, I didn't offer to do so.
I will, .. if I cook a meal on a weekend, and someone is handy and willing to go that way, cover a plate for DH's mom and send someone with it.
But it's not a commitment that I'm willing to take on, in that it's set in stone, meals coming that way.
My mom, in her 90s, was in IL and then a NH, an hour away from me, but much closer to my POA Bro and his wife, my sil.
SIL and mom got along really, really well. Much better than any of the three of us kids got along. SIL is an MBA/genius at money. Mom handed HER the passwords, although bro was poa.
In the 4 years that mom was in the NH, SIL was my eyes and ears. She was able to stop by several times a week (I was only able to get there on weekends, once a week at best, usually every other week).
Whatever SIL talked to me about, I looked into and decided if it was worth fixing. But I did the fix, or one of my brothers did. I would NEVER have asked her to schlep my mom around to docs, intervene at nh or run to get "stuff" (except perhaps ordering socks on Amazon).
Your SIL is abusing you. This is HER responsibility. If she is not going to treat you as an equal partner, in a triumvirate with DH, then bow out.
Dorker, you are allowed to say "You all aren't listening to what I'm saying. I'm telling you that your mom can no longer live alone. I'm not going to enable this charade any longer"..
And then you stop entertaining her texts.
This is between DH and SIL and MIL.
Step back, dear. Don't listen to the chatter.
Is is indeed someone else's monkey.
You want well and truly off board--ignore SIL. Ignore MIL. State firmly and clearly that you won't be a part of this and then really DON'T BE A PART of it. Talk to DH about anything and everything EXCEPT his mother. Tell them that WHEN she is in some kind of facility that can do all the stuff for her, then you'll be supportive and perhaps even actively involved (to a point). Then really hold to your word.
I am just sitting here, semi-amused at the amazing antics of this old woman! Her manipulation and control from her throne are truly admirable (in the weirdest of ways).
I KNOW that ignoring texts may make you kinda crazy---but take it from someone who is pretty well ignored by her kids: You can get a text and not acknowledge it. My daughter lives in another state. I text her, as she will not often actually speak to me on the phone--and I know she ignores my texts for the most part. It can be done! We're going on 2 months since she communicated with me. And she's not mad at me, she just doesn't want to talk to me, I guess. I don't know.
SIL is going to keep trying to micromanage. That's a known. She is NOT GOING TO CHANGE. All you can do is truly remove yourself from the loop.
As my hubby often says "Not my circus, not my monkeys".
Avoidant .. but also .. one who maybe could be termed as exercising boundaries .. in that .. he just doesn't get into a bunch of drama. Period.
His sister may blow up his phone, .. with perhaps .. something the mother has already informed him of (a need). He is more prone to not respond, at all, ..
That isn't because he is being mean. It isn't, in that instance, that he is being avoidant. It is because .. he's dealt with it, he has addressed it already .. with his mom .. and answered to whatever the "need" may be, . in what he plans to do about it. And so to now have to speak to the issue again .. he just isn't gonna. That's about how he operates.
Leaves SIL twisting in the wind ...
I can't tell you the number of times that the mother may have already mentioned some "need" to him (the sink is leaking, the umbrella on the patio furniture blew over .. you name it). The mom may have already told him about it, and I wouldn't know, I'm not at his elbow constantly.
Me, having no idea he's already spoken to the issue .. via phone call with his mom.
SIL .. then texting him, that mom is concerned about *x, y, z* ...
Him not responding .. at all.
SIL then texting me, "I've tried to reach brother, mom is concerned about *x, y and z* .. can you ask him when he plans to get by and ck on that".
I then tell her, "He's not here .. not sure".
She will then say "will you ck with him when you talk to him, I texted him but he hasn't answered me".
So then when I do talk to him/see him .. and I mention it, and then I hear .. from him .. "I already talked to mom, I know about it .. I told her I'd try to get by there tomorrow".
The number of times that has happened, too many to count.
Not sure why it would be that SIL thinks she has to run it up the flagpole .. in a manner of .. *brother is a child who needs repeated reminding*.
I am going to make it a habit to just not respond, at all. To those kinds of texts. Period.
She can continue to twist in the wind. His mom .. has a voice, .. if she needs him, .. she can speak to him. Don't need SIL up in the mix, from 1K miles away.
The above about describes how he is. It's somewhat avoidant .. (and I can speak to that, as I was the tough azz with raising children . not him .. it was me that was the one laying the law down .. and he'd try to make excuses for their bad behavior . until .. he'd reached a limit far beyond what he should've allowed). He is "avoidant" .. I've seen it myself .. in dealing with him. Not so much in biz ... though even in that, .. he does far too many "favors" for church folks .. far too many. Rather than be "tough" and not be taken advantage of.
He is also one .. as I said .. who just doesn't wade thru the muck. He just isn't gonna do it.
If it were me, and I'd already spoken to mother about whatever the "need" is, and then SIL now texting me about that same need, .. I would probably speak to it .. and answer to her, and maybe not real nice-like. He doesn't. He just ignores it.
I've asked him and asked him .. and asked him ... "please answer your sister! She is bugging the chit out of me, to bug you about it, please for God's sake answer her".
He may or may not .. even then!
He too finds her supremely annoying!
I wish it were a matter that he was telling me, .. "nope .. there's a method to the way I do things. Mom calls me, ... I'm on it, .. I'm responsive .. sister calls me, she can twist in the damned wind". I wish it were that way. It isn't. He doesn't even really put voice to why he does what he does.
Dorker has learned to say no to the ever-increasing demands of MIL and SIL, and she rightly sees that MIL is failing. However, maybe her DH has a good reason not to be jumping to fill in for Dorker. Dorker getting involved in the conversation between him and his sister is really triangulation. Maybe this dynamic between the siblings has always existed. The way DH copes is to ignore what sis says - if mama beckons directly to him, he will come, but he's not at his sister's beck and call.
His involvement in church may prevent many of the demands from being fulfilled, but maybe he enjoys that more than being nagged by sister, the Queen Narcissa, and now Dorker repeating what's been sent or told to her. Maybe his hands off routine will allow his mother to fail/fall at her own hand, and force a family decision.
Or maybe he's just avoidant. I'd like to think Dorker's husband is a good man who really does have a method here that he does not want to talk about. After all, if his mother has to be put in a nursing home, doctor's orders, he can't be blamed by sis or his mother.
You are outside the picture now. You might want to use that as a metaphor for staying there. "nope, not going to step back into that picture frame...going to stay safely out here in the gallery, watching the art.
I just have this vision in my head .. this busybody ... nervous nelly .. never stop ... running circles around all this problem (SIL) .. and bumping into a wall in every corner as she hurriedly goes about one more gadget, one more this or that .. CONSTANTLY .. never stopping.
All, a frantic attempt to not have to "face the facts" and deal with it.
I think of DH .. and he is just .. I'm sorry .. but he is OUT TO LUNCH on the whole thing. ENTIRELY. And obviously .. quite comfortable there.
I hate to paint the picture that he doesn't care about his mother. That isn't true at all. I hate to paint the picture that he is lazy and shiftless. He is anything but.
It's almost as if my mind's eye sees him .. over in the corner watching all the furious scurrying .. by SIL .. at the direction of a crazy azz old woman .. and he . in the corner .. watching it all .. not really engaged but more of a *just staying outta the way*.
And then you have the MIL .. in my mind's eye .. of course .. this crazy azz old woman .. if this were some kinda bad dream, and it almost seems that way as my brain has this today as the mental picture of it all ... this old haggard woman .. as she sits on her perch directing as to her whims/wants/wishes ..SIL scurrying at her frantic pace to do it all, .. all except the one thing she needs to do, she AND her brother .. address it.
But no .. (trying to articulate the picture I have in my own brain ..) .. no no ... not gonna do that. SIL will scurry around like a lunatic, never stopping .. and DH .. over in the corner staying out of the way .. and MIL directing and speaking of her whims/wishes from her perch at the kitchen table.
And then there's me, .. as if in a bad dream .. trying to make sense of it all, and trying to get someone in this bad dream to listen .. "listen to me, none of this even makes any sense ... why are you all doing what your'e doing, you need to do thus and so", ..
And, as in a bad dream .. no one can hear me .. I'm speaking but it's not being heard by anyone as each plays their part above.
This, .. it sounds sad .. and troubling ...
But .. to me, it's funny. It just is comical. Because it's about as accurate a portrayal of it all, as it gets. And it IS actually .. kinda reminiscent of a bad dream someone might have. But .. it's all true!
I haven't heard one iota from SIL, MIL or DH for that matter this morning, on the whole yard debacle. And had already made up my mind that any phone calls from MIL and SIL will be screened and not answered. None have come, thankfully.
Whatever they decided to do with that gal and her son .. their biz .. I'm out of it. That whole scurrying around thing .. (SIL) .. and me on the periphery trying to get someone in it all to listen to me ... pointless and frustrating. Thus .. I'm out.
DH is hunting this morning (I know some will clobber me for that ... hunting ..???!!!!!....HOW CAN HE GO KILL DEFENSELESS ANIMALS). I am ambivalent about the whole thing. I coudln't do it .. I don't go with him .. I'd just go to take pictures of wild animals .. and if he took aim at something in my presence, I'd likely scream "RUN .. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", scaring the animal away. So I don't go.
I am actually glad that he's out hunting, it's something he thoroughly enjoys. It's his "release" .. it's how he unwinds. And so he has gone to the woods for the day and for him, I'm glad. Not so much for any hapless animal however.
I have no idea if he is being bugged about the whole scene with the yard issue .. and if he is, .. that's on him to dispense with it, .. not on me. Not engaged.
And yes, I've often pondered what do the neighbors, "REALLY THINK" ..
I don't know. I don't really know them other than a friendly wave if they are out and about when I happen to be at MIL's. SIL, on the other hand, .. when she comes to town, she stays with MIL and so has gotten to know the neighbors. Not to the degree they are all best of buddies and have each other over for dinner, and such however.
I think if I were a neighbor in that scenario (though maybe I'm not as kind as some) .. and I was getting texts from 1K miles away from a worried/concerned/taskmaster daughter .. my mindset would probably be somewhere alone the lines of "geeze she's a nuisance .. always bugging me, why doesn't she get on down here if she's so worried about her mom".
But I don't know what their thoughts are, don't really know them.
SIL ........... crazy story ........... back before this hurricane was approaching (I'm sure you all will read just what I did in all of this). I was, at least in that point of the story, considering popping MIL on a plane to exit this place .. refuge from an oncoming hurricane. SIL .. (at least giving voice to that as an option .. likely wishing I wouldn't, but not saying that out loud).
SIL is in touch, with the neighbor across the street from MIL. An older couple, the woman a retired high school guidance counselor, husband .. not yet retired. They are the neighbors that told of their church that organized groups to clean up yards. Those are the same neighbors.
I get this text from SIL .. (here we are days before an approaching hurricane and yes, .. me in a lot of stress/anguish over it all, and all who know me, know that I was stressed out about it).
This text from SIL: "I was talking with J across the street from mother .. and she says .. read the this link (sent me a hyperlink) .. this is a guy from her church .. he runs some kinda media organization .. not mainstream something else ... not sure, some underground media type .. and he says that you won't hear it from the regular media, their job is to sell ratings and scare the daylights out of people with this approaching hurricane but he has it on good authority .. his sources .. this is gonna be a nothing of an event .. winds no higher than 50 mph .. you should read this".
I did read it. And yes, .. the guy .. some kinda underground media something. And that was his take, "on good sources" so he said.
Well, as it turns out here .. our city was on national news with localized flooding of historical proportions behind this storm .. and wind gusts over 100 mph.
So whoever this supposed "media guru" nutjob was ..
I did text SIL after the fact and tell her, "your mom's neighbor can keep her supposed media honcho the guy is a nutjob". She answered, "yea .. looks that way".
SIL, also, at that time, .. maybe under the guise of wanting to calm my nerves .. (maybe more to the point .. not have me panic and send her mom to her on a plane) ... her telling me, "J and her husband aren't evacuating .. ".
As I said to her at the time, "J and her husband aren't 87 yo with a myriad of health issues that PRECLUDE Their ability to do so .. your mother IS ... if it gets bad and they HAVE TO LEAVE they are both able-bodied and can do so, on a moment's notice, not so for your mother".
She has that older couple across the street (he of that equation is the one who secured a wall unit when MIL's AC broke and brought it over, but has no clue what to do with it once there, and that summoned DH to the front to do so). They are good people, seemingly. Enjoy yard work .. and occasionally come MIL's way .. just to tidy up her place .. pull weeds, plant flowers, etc ..
The neighbors beside her .. they are in their mid 30's I'd say .. no children, 2 dogs. They are the ones that ydd dog-sits for, when they go out of town, which they do a lot. The husband of that equation cleaned up MIL's front yard of storm debris .. before we even brought her home from here. The wife of that equation is the one that shared with ydd .. that she notices MIL to be more disoriented these days.
I would love to know what they truly think. But I don't know them well enough to really even talk to them. But SIL does, from 1K miles away.
If you really want to mess up SILs mail - send a couple of charity donations (cash or cashiers check) in SILs name and with her return address.
I realize it's not helpful or related to the problem at hand - merely a mean swipe. Dorker, your probably way to nice to do it but wouldn't it feel just a teeny bit good? I don't know how you do it - I would have lost my mind if I were you. I mean, seriously? "Gee Dorker, why did you pay people to do something that I would have gotten done for free?" YOUR WELCOME, you neurotic hag!!!
Someone else said this several posts ago but I could not agree more - Sil is gonna burn out the neighbors - and fast at the rate she's going. She's a real piece of work!