I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Exactly what you feared would happen, did. And the outcome is also exactly what you feared.
I for one, cannot fathom the inability of SIL and your DH to actually come to a decision together and act on it....they seem frozen in time with the "she'll manage, we'll manage" mantra ringing loud and clear.
A young person falls, ouch, you may have a bruise the next day, but your joints and skin and EVERYTHING are young, firm and strong. An elder falls and it's like dry wood hitting the floor. No cartilage in the joints, no fat under the skin...and BAM, you have a mass of bruises and excruciating pain, and often, nothing "broken" to show for it. I BET MIL is hurting. And sadly, NSAIDS don't do a great job with pain of that kind, but MIL can't handle narcotics? So she is really going to be tenuous with her movements. And less moving means fluid buildup, less work on the spirometer will almost assure you a raging case of pneumonia in a few days.
I guess all you can really "do" in the moment is lower her bed. I have to hop to get into my King Bed, too, and it's a tad hard at times. A hospital bed can be rented, but it's bigger than you think and will have to be set up in a different room. (NOT the yellow one!)
Not to be a Debbie Downer, but I'll bet dollars to doughnuts she'd back in the hospital by the end of the week with pneumonia or another fall, despite the close watch of SIL.
Stay as involved as you want...but do not get drawn into ANY discussion of bringing MIL home, no matter what.
As far as DH and his church meeting--is that so much more important than his mother?? I kind of feel like he uses that as a great excuse to not be present. It LOOKS like he's doing "good works" but in reality---he has an ox in the mire, big time.
Hang tough--this is rough, I know. If I were you I would be wanting to slap some sense into everybody around me, in truth, I'd be probably doing exactly what you are doing...just feeling frustrated and un heard.
Bless you---really, I mean that. I hope things work out. So sad, b/c 8 months ago you were saying all the right things and trying to get some movement on this--and no one was listening.
I said those words to her.
Her answer (thus I say ... live it/breath it/wear it, be it) .. her answer, "apparently .. there is no medical need to keep her ... that's what they tell me .. Medicare won't pay for it .. not being able to balance and mobility issues aren't a reason to keep her".
I argued that, "but the fact that she is further compromised now, .. it was already pretty tenuous .. the fact she is further compromised now ... with this injury .. and will be unable to navigate at home .. that doesn't warrant a longer stay".
SIL's answer that she seemed to have inquired at least superficially ... "there's that outpatient label .. and there's no way to change that, .. not unless she has at least 3 broken ribs, not just one .. and/or some kind of infection or something .. and as outpatient .. she has to go".
I dropped it.
Obvious SIL wasn't going to be an advocate for that, .. feeling maybe .. it's not possible ..???....or maybe that she would deal with it all, when she gets MIL home, not sure.
SIL I can say has been in this muck and mire more than she'd like, not so for DH. Though he has pitched in, at times in the past, also, in the muck and mire of it all, .. mostly it's been SIL on the front doing so. As is the case presently.
She is much kinder than I would be. I would be asking my brother, especially in light of the fact that I arrived here .. and began running, to doc appts .. daily (her choice) .. and then this whole debacle befell the whole situation .. and then spent night after night in the hospital (her choice, again) .. and now MIL is home, and the care is on her shoulders ... with the help of her daughter, who flies out tomorrow. I would be asking my brother, "so what's your schedule in the next few days, when can you plan to come spend the night here, and take over, .. me and hubby will scoot out to go see a movie, maybe some dinner out .. and you can take it on for the night.
She hasn't chosen to do that. And I'm not going to urge she do so .. and get all up in it. Nor will I do much to encourage DH .. he needs to figure out where he fits in it all, .. and on the sidelines .. is not so much where I see he should be, but it's not my red wagon to pull.
Tonight would be a great example of where he can maybe pitch in some, but .. hasn't dawned on him. He does have a late afternoon eye doc appt., but then he has a church board meeting. If it were me, I'd be calling the board and letting then know that I won't be there, I need to go offer to help out at my mom's.
That won't dawn on him, unless it's suggested by me. I could easily do that .. but ... that puts me front and center in it, trying to direct traffic .. and I'm not willing to do so.
They both need to see this, the inner pinnings of it all, and how it all works .. (DH's absence front and center of it all) .. and work towards some other goal there, at least IMO.
SIL was asking about a prior time she'd come here, subsequent to a fall by MIL. Yes, MIL had fallen a couple of summers ago .. hurt badly (no broken bones) transported by ambulance to the nearest outpatient ER for exam. That one, DH had to take the doorknob off to get to her, .. she sleeps with her bedroom door shut and locked, .. something we've all tried to persuade her not to do, to no avail. He had to take the doorknob off before he could get to her.
That was the one where SIL called me, I happened to have been on the other end of the earth at that point in time, ..as far as my location .. and couldn't go there .. not that it would've done me any good to do so, her behind a locked bedroom door, me with no tools .. and no proclivity for such things.
She had called her mom to ck on her, and found her mom on the bedroom floor unable to get up ...called me, me not available. Called DH at that point, who left jobsite on the other side of town, headed that way, found his mom on the floor and unable to get up. He did help her to get up .. but she hurt so bad she could barely move.
Xrays done, CT .. so forth. Nothing found, just sore .. I suppose. Discharged from the outpatient ER to go home. There, she needed round the clock care. DH stayed at night, me in the day .. until SIL could arrive here .. setting out driving, . but they couldn't leave until loose ends tied up on their end, took a couple of days .. and then another couple of days to get here, because of how far it is .. and another day or two added because of car troubles on her end, trying to get here .. and having to ck the car in for service.
So . .in that instance, it was DH and I .. working it all, til she could get here, this has been a couple of summers ago.
So he has seen it, .. up close and personal, caring for his mom .. but I don't think .. with him .. it just doesn't' even dawn on him .. clueless ...???....how he maybe needs to look at his own schedule and rework some things ..
Dorker, just so NOT your circus. You've shown them the way, but they simply refuse to see what is right in front of them.
With congestive heart failure and a person that has already presented with edema (fluid retention), there is a real danger that a person can develop pulmonary edema. That is fluid backing into the lungs making it hard to breathe - it requires testing - not done as observation - and is best treated in hospital or rehab. The breathing problems may be related to that. YOU DON'T KNOW what was said to hospitalists. You don't know which conditions that they looked at - a bruised rib on its own is not hospital admission. Severe breathing problems with a congestive heart patient without 24/7 care at home is a different thing. The only good part of this? SIL and DH are seeing what 24/7 care at home of frail elder looks like. They will soon see how much it costs and is NOT covered by Medicare both in hours, bodies, and physical management. If DH is not willing to spell his sister at this point for care? The yellow bedroom should never be an option no matter how "brief or temporary" it is stated.
He. Won't. Go. Out. Of. His. Way. To. Help.
I've had your conversation. All you are now doing is giving his frustration an outlet at YOU for the lack of initiative he and SIL have had. Best response? You'll have to travel up there for respite. HAHAHA. A needs assessment by home health needs to include the fact that after SIL leaves, she is ALONE. Family is not available to cover. You need that in writing.
My mom's hip was xrayed the day she fell. Not broken. But a week later, when she still couldn't bear weight, a mobile seat unit came out.
Yup , it was broken.
I don't, at least IMO, think MIL able to get into the car to even go to the primary care doc. I asked why, as to the ambulance transport for delivery home, yesterday. The answer was, .. "it's too hard for her to even move, .. to have to get into a car at this point, would be more than she can manage". Thus, ambulance transport for delivery home.
This was yesterday afternoon at discharge.
She did, .. apparently .. when the ambulance got there, ... they did take her off the stretcher, and she got her walker, .. and made it from the garage into her bedroom, slowly, ever so so slowly, using her walker.
It seemed things turned south after that though.
First problem, .. at least as far as I can see, and I'm not healthcare professional. She is in "her bed". Her bed, is a king size, relatively high up bed. That presents a problem, .. one has to not just sit down on the bed .. it's too high for that, .. one has to kinda turn around and lift up onto their toes (she's always had to do that, but she hasn't always been injured trying to do that). And then sit on the edge of the bed, from the tiptoes, and use your hands of course, to place them, as you sit your derriere down on the edge of the bed, and then one has to scoot ... scoot back some ... and then, one has to lift their legs to get them onto the bed. All of this, I guess, .. one doesn't realize how much they use muscles in their body to do these things, until those muscles are compromised from an injury. Then of course, one has to scoot on into the position in their bed, .. all of this causing her .. pretty much .. what I observe as pretty excruciating pain. She literally cries, it hurts so bad.
Then, once she is in the bed, .. and situated, .. then if she has to sit up, to eat .. same as above, .. has to have a lot of assistance .. and then can get onto, at least the edge of the bed, .. and eat a little something. But it hurts .. it hurts all the time, apparently, but much much, almost unbearable, if she moves. ????.....(and there's no broken bones???).
Getting out of the bed, is almost worse. They have put a stepstool by the bed, for her to put her feet on to brace, .. to be able to come down from the bed .. but raising up, .. and so froth, excruciating, causes tears.
She has a bedpan there, but opts to get up (which I guess is pretty good, being stagnant would be worse, I'd think). Doesn't wish to use the bedpan. She also has a bedside commode, .. but opts .. wants to go to the "bathroom".
Of course, getting into the bathroom, and then seated onto the potty .. all of it, .. has to have a lot of assistance. Then same, with getting up from the potty .. and then of course, can use her walker, .. and slowly .. slowly .... so slowly get back into her bed, with the above as described problems associated in doing so.
I don't know the ways of the healthcare system. But it seems, from what info I've gathered, just listening .. it seems she didn't qualify for "inpatient" status .. no matter what. She would have had to had .. at least 3 broken ribs, .. for that label .. or some other issue, such as an infection. ????
Very puzzling to me.
Thus, the "outpatient" label slapped onto the situation. And nothing anyone can do to move it to a different status.
Thus .. she had to be bounced outta there. Thus, she doesn't qualify for a stay at a Rehab facility, much to the dismay of the *Hospitalist* in attendance there. Much to even MIL's dismay. For the first time ever, .. she was ready/willing/able to go to a Rehab at discharge rather than home. But nope.
I know yesterday when we were there, .. she'd been brought home a couple of hours before we got there. So she'd been situated in her bed. But soon enough, she needed to get up to use the restroom. She couldn't get up. Had been laying on her back .. with only two pillows under her. She couldn't get up (we forget that hospital beds have the feature you can electrically raise yourself to an upright position) .. and I guess, we don't realize all the muscles we use to do these things, until those muscles don't work right. Fortunately DH and myself were there, and SIL came and got DH from the den, asking to use his muscles to get mom up. So he had to literally raise her, to an upright position .. using his power/strength, she couldn't do it.
After that, .. the propped what seems like about 10 pillows, some of them wedge pillows .. and so when she lays in the bed now, it's really more of an upright position.
I asked, "is there a way to even get a hospital bed, .. that's what she needs, .. one that lowers so that she doesn't have to reach down, to get out of bed, or reach up .. lower the bed .. raise the bed, .. raise the back of it so she's more upright .. can that be possible". SIL responded that there is supposed to be a Home Health Nurse to be coming, that she'll ask that question.
I asked of SIL if she is to check in with her Primary Care doc, and she said yes, but that at this point, there's no way she could even get in the car to go, .. her words, "I don't know what we'd do if we found she needed to get back to medical care, I guess we'd have to call an ambulance, because there's no way she can lower herself into a car .. there'd be no way she could do that".
I just can't believe that this .. what I'm viewing ... is what the medical community, or maybe gov't bureaucrats .. deem as someone suitable to be discharged to go home.
She can't even get into and out of the bed without assistance, much less to the bathroom, or to wash her face, or brush her teeth, or EAT. THIS is what is deemed appropriate to be discharged to go home?
What of the old folks that don't have any family nearby that help out .. what do they do?
The Spiro-meter thing, .. apparently I'm clueless .. as was she. I was in her bedroom visiting with her a bit and she said she's afraid she's going to get pneumonia. The Spiro-meter thing right there on her nightstand, .. I handed that to her, and said, "you probably need to use this as much as you possibly can". She took it, and began breathing hard (as hard as she can, which is not saying much) . out/hard into the tube.
Apparently that's not at all what she should be doing, and I didn't know any better to correct her, and I was the one in there visiting with her, .. no one else there.
I did see that DH .. though mostly his sister .. while completely beyond addled and frazzled at this point, and worn to a nub (her daughter is there, and helping some also) , ... she is mostly going back and forth to check on her mom, helping her mom with adjusting in bed, and/or getting into out of bed, .. and giving her Tylenol/Advil .. and encouraging her to drink, etc. She's mostly on her feet doing and doing and doing and doing. And her daughter also a part of that.
I saw that at one point, .. SIL was sitting in the kitchen to get herself a bite of something to eat, and DH asked her, "what in the hell are we gonna do here, .. she can't be left alone .. she can't even manage". SIL responded, "I may have to extend my stay here, I don't know .. but I will have to cancel 3 doc appointments for myself .. already scheduled in January .. if I stay here .. I may have to send B home (her husband) and me just stay here, .. I had planned on beginning to work on .. maybe getting her to my house in the spring .. I hate to try to drag her there in the winter, .. and I don't even know how she could make the trip ... but I had thought that we'd work towards getting her to my house in the spring .. I just don't know ... I really don't".
DH then said to her, "what are we going to do, .. I mean this can't be all on you to do all the time". I was busy putting some food out, for xmas dinner, .. and interjected, "you'll have to fly up there to give her some respite from it all periodically, that's all there is to it".
With that, something else came up, and that subject got dropped.
Had it gone on any longer, I intended to interject, "She really needs placement in a facility .. you, nor I, nor her son .. are equipped to manage her care .. that's what needs to happen .. and the day has almost come and gone as to you guys and any planning for it all .. you need to get on it, .. like yesterday".
But the whole thing had turned, .. and there was another topic now.
The sister .. is worn to an absolute nub.
There's a part of me, that kinda is .. it feels harsh that I would have these sentiments .. but there is a part of me that finds it absolutely infuriating and astonishing that neither DH nor his sister see that, that she needs a facility for residence. And entering that dialogue, would likely prove futile .. and that frustrates me, confounds me.
There's also a part of me in all of this, that's kinda of the notion, "ya know . you guys .. this is the ramification of all this *she's fine, she can manage* stance that you guys have stood firmly in your stances on ... she's NOT FINE .. all she did was go to lower a bedroom shade .. something so damn simple that probably a 5 year old can do it .. and BAM .. her world is turned upside down .. and SIL's with it, .. with an injury ... now she is confined to a hospital .. and then bounced out too soon and SIL's world is upended by being more of a caretaker than she is equipped to be (she has a bad back and I'm sure this isn't going to be good for it, .. and had hernia surgery of some sort last spring .. and wasn't to be lifting anything heavy .. at least for several months) .. and this is the existence now, at least presently.
But she's fine, she can manage, has been the stance. So fine .. you guys live it, breath it, eat it, .. wear it .. every minute of every day then!
To me, it's as clear as the nose on my face, . someone who is so compromised that they have to be instructed, and she was .. "now just sit here, I'll be right back, I'm going to the airport to pick up M .. and I'll be right back, .. now I've already gotten her bedroom ready .. you don't need to do a thing .. just wait right here" .. you have to give them that instruction for fear they will get hurt .. and then lo and behold they do get hurt, doing something as simple as pulling a bedroom shade down .... THIS IS WHAT YOU FIND SUITABLE TO LEAVE ALONE .. to manage for herself.
See what I mean? Me .. and THEM .......................... two totally polar opposite sides of the whole issue .. we couldn't be further apart.
It's almost like, for me, I look at it all, .. and I see a situation where, if I were stupid enough to "okay sure guys, let's load her up and bring her to the yellow bedroom (I'm not, not by any stretch) .. this is what I'd be dealing with. These two folks that are her next of kin, that don't, IMO, have a real firm grasp of the fact that she is as compromised as she is ... and so it would fall upon me, and the whole notion of "she's fine", would be the order of the day, all while I'm the one doing the heavy lifting ..metaphorically.
Just as a side note, yesterday I was on the phone talking with my SIL from south FL .. on MY SIDE of the family, not at all related to any of the above. She is aware of that whole scene, and my having backed out of it, and the reasons why and supports my decision. Was telling her of the latest debacle (all in earshot of DH who was right here). she was on speakerphone. Her words, "that's great Dorker .. I mean not great for MIL .. but .. ya know .. the more attention you can get on just how bad off she is and can't manage, maybe her son and daughter will sit up and take notice". I responded, out loud .. and I'm sure DH heard me, .. "Oh I don't know L ... I don't know what it's going to take, if anything/ever ... I think they all want her wish to be honored that she stay in her home .. and so by GOD that's what they are going to allow to happen, .. I guess if she falls and splits her wig ... even then .. they'll sew it up and send her home .. to manage .. she's fine remember!!.
I don't know that there's anything that I can say or do at this point, short of offering to go be SIL for a while .. and do what she's doing over there, and I'm not going to do it.
Simply on principle at this point. The principle being .. if she's this compromised that she can't manage .. then ... I guess you and your brother need to figure how to manage it all, and you see how much help your brother is, .. and no I'm not going to fight with him to urge that he do anything differently .. if she wants more of his help (and she rightfully should) then she needs to dig in her heels with him, not me. Thus far she hasn't.
I've said it for a long time, she needs more help, .. this isn't manageable. To deaf ears, .. and so .. here we are, at another precept in it all, .. and what they do with it all, is their business. I'm not hopping in to help.
I will go to Walgreens if they need, .. or I'll go to the grocery if they need, .. or I'll take the niece to the airport if they need (she flies out tomorrow). But to be there doing the proverbial heavy lifting .. nope.
I have to wonder how much of the "don't admit her, send her home" was machinated by SIL. Hospital would certainly NOT have sent MIL home if SIL said "I have to be back at work on Tuesday and am leaving in the morning. My mother lives alone and has no one who can care for her". Or if she had the kind of crying meltdown that is sometimes necessary to get hospitals to do the right thing (been there, done that). Or said "I'm going to have to consult with my lawyer about your refusal to admit her".
My mom was taken, via ambulance to the ER once with a bout of extremely high BP. They examined her, declared everything to be "fine". (Mom was 88 at the time, and in the early stages of MCI). The doctor said "you can go home!". My brother and I just stood there and mom looked at the young doctor incredulously. "Oh, okay, we'll admit her. And run some more tests". Once they got beyond the superficial, they discovered some interesting cardiac issues were going on. You can't just accept that everything is "fine" when clearly it is not.
If she's at home for follow up and had to be moved by ambulance, how would she get additional care?
What can Dorker suggest that will trigger a domino effect here?
I would try to get MIL in to see her primary today, to figure out what is going on. Or to order her admitted to a hospital where he has privileges.
The challenge with this family will be getting MIL into a facility paid for by Medicaid. The problem is that none of them (MIL, H, SIL) have made any sort of inquiries into how to do that. And then MIL refuses to consider a facility, and so far her daughter and son won't push the issue with her.
I hope you had a wonderful holiday with your family, Dorker.
You breathe out, THEN put your lips around the tube and breathe IN. That's what raises the ball.
My mom is in SC, not TN. She's doing fine, and enjoying life there.
MIL now home from hospital. Brought home via ambulance.
I've never seen anything like it. But .. I'm not 88 years old. I have only fallen a couple of times in my life, .. and not at her age. And haven't broken any bones, and was, yes, sore ..
It's hard not to think something else is wrong .. something that hasn't been found. No broken bones, apparently. But what ...???.....
I don't think she needs to be at home .. she needed to stay in the hospital or a rehab place. The latter, apparently, not an option, .. when one is labeled "outpatient for observation", and not only that ... I guess there is some qualification ...???....in order to be "inpatient" she'd have to have some kind of infection .. or I think it was said at least 3 broken ribs ...???
She is home now, but has to have assistance to even even move in the bed ... much less getting out of the bed to go to the bathroom.
Says she feels short of breath. I asked her, "short of breath like when you first fell, .. or worse, .. or not worse". She said "not worse .. not as bad as when I first fell, but I do feel like I'm short of breath, but they did look into it and there was no lung damage .. so I don't know what's going on, but I think something is wrong ... I hurt .. all the time .. and much much much worse, when I move".
I tried to get her to do that .. (don't know what you call it, the thing that has the bubble in the tube that you're supposed to blow that bubble up, .. to exercise your lungs). The bubble doesn't move one iota.
IMO she should still be inpatient.
But I guess I don't understand the way things work anymore. I guess, .. "pain" isn't a requisite for a hospital admit "inpatient".
I do understand the whole "outpatient for observation" thing .. and the reasons that's done these days.
But looking at MIL's situation, what do other elderly folks who are so compromised do?
Presently she has SIL staying there. SIL is absolutely beyond worn out, trying to help.
DH may go stay there tomorrow night, he offered. We will see, but that's only help for o'nite .. one night ..
She NEEDS to be in the hospital.
I agree that H and SIL might have already spoken about Narcissa's future. SIL might have complained that it can't all be on her (and, rightfully, it shouldn't be). So the immediate plan might be for Narcissa to take turns being cared for at SIL's house and Dorker's.
Neither sibling wants to confront Narcissa that she canNOT live alone anymore. The next-most palatable solution for Narcissa would probably be that she lives with one of her children. And, since no one has investigated ALFs or SNFs, those options seem overwhelming now.
If one of the sibs insists on a facility, then the other one who doesn't want that will be the one shouldering the burden (Narcissa will with them). I don't really think that shuttling Narcissa back and forth between two homes will work, either.
The crisis has finally occurred. And no one (Narcissa, H, SIL) has made any sort of plan.
Dorker, stand firm. You have long since done your part in helping MIL (in case anyone suggests you should do something now), and you know that. I am so proud of the way you have set a very firm boundary and have maintained it!
Enjoy your grandbabies and daughters today. :-)
Enjoy your meal prep, get clean & comfy & do your Christmas Eve. 15 people to feed is a lot of work!
I’m sure you will pull it off with grace & warmth.
Thank goodness SIL is here to deal with the situation & who cares how - at least it’s not you.
I wouldn’t bring it up at all, as I wrote before. They know how you feel. Not even with DH. You don’t need to be arguing today or Christmas Day tomorrow.
How & where is your mother? Tenneessee? Hope she & her SO are doing well.
This is brilliant: "kids don't wanna go to school either ... but you do what's best for them, when they are young and don't understand/comprehend the ramifications of their own decisions .. "
I say hold your ground and don't go on vacation. If you do, you might find the Yellow Bedroom occupied, and then you would have to move out. It's easiest if you protect the fort from invaders first. Great job.
While I am so sorry this is impacting your Christmas, it couldn't have happened at a better time!!!! Hope you enjoy your Grandies at Christmas!!
I think that having my FIL telling them I could be present for discharge conversations made it acceptable
Look. Plain and simple ... he .. for the most part, .. only "chooses" to make the time for his mom, to go fix what breaks at her house. And in there, inserted, occasionally, just a visit for no reason .. but not nearly is that frequent enough, at least IMO.
They were the beneficiaries .. for a long time, he and his sister, that I was front and center, trying to manage it all .. for them. They didn't have to adjust their lives .. for a long long time, to suit the fact that their mother was growing increasingly needy.
Until ....
I finally began saying, this is more than I can manage, and manage my own life. That began several months before I finally exited. Trying to get more attention to the matter, and of course, to no avail. I finally exited.
That's where I remain, to this day and intend to stay there.
Firmly.
They've had a long time to realize that things aren't great .. and what should they do, and sit down and have some real discussion and neither have stepped up the plate. That, to me, .. is clear as day .. not my problem.
I'm sorry there are no easy answers. That's a societal problem at large ... a dialogue that needs to go on .. a discourse .. nationwide. Not just here in our little corner of the world. I'm sorry that their mom has lived long enough that she is now in a position to need more care ...
It still .. how is that my problem?
I'm not going to let anyone guilt me. I am assured .. in my own knower of knowers .. I did all I could do, for longer than almost any DIL anywhere would do. They were the recipients of that help.
Their failure to sit up and take notice, when I began to rattle the cage. Still, doesn't make it my problem. And I know that, wear it/live it/breathe it, etc.
DH would have it ........ I guess if he could wave a magic wand and make me change my thought process in an instant ... well there ya go. Problem solved. Dorker will be f/t caretaker. SIL returns to her home .. 1K miles away and her life (which yes, includes looking after a husband with disabilities) but .. returning to her life as she knows it, .. and DH .. to his as he knows it. And Dorker can be the one to muddle thru the minutia of it all, and wipe up vomit when she's sick .. and clean her up when she has incontinence issues and worse .. and manage all her doctors, and meds and so forth, all while her son goes about his life .. and her daughter her's.
Why? Why would I do that?
I'm not made of that kinda cloth, that's the very reason I began to rattle the cage, this is becoming unmanageable here. And no one listened.
Still not listening.
All the way down to the fact, when MIL was last hospitalized .. we had all this hoopla over this "outpatient observation" status label put on it, .. and even then, months ago .. I linked the article to SIL .. and pointed out to her the why's and wherefore's of it all, and that it may be that a more proactive stance be taken in the instance of further hospitalizations. I even said so, yesterday ..
It got ignored.
I would take this all on, and become f/t caretaker, to the fact that her offspring don't "LISTEN" to me, why? I'd be nuts and I'd deserve every nasty horrible aspect that caregiving entails if I was stupid enough to fall into that. I'm not.
Sigh...so sorry your hubby is trying to guilt trip you. Some caregiver he would be. He won’t even go relieve his sister...
Such a mess but it’s their mess. Stay strong!
In 20 years, I'm going to be a major annoyance.
If my own DH wasn't a LOT like yours, Dorker, I wouldn't have believed the "I can't bring mom here b/c of YOU" statement--good heavens!! He cannot honestly BELIEVE that MIL belongs in your home!! I refused to take in my FIL when he got really bad and I heard about if for ages---finally had to just get "mean " with DH and explain just what it meant to care for a dying man--who wanted to go places everyday, was so sick and had a loose phlegmy cough that just made you want to throw up--and he coughed all day and night---sometimes, like you did, you HAVE to say "No, no I won't do it AND I won't take the guilt you're shoveling at me.
Plain and simple, MIL needs to go to a SNF. Period. There AREN'T any workable options. OF COURSE she "wants to" live alone and "manage" but we RARELY get what we "WANT" in life. Very rarely. At 88, some part of her knows that. (You'd think)
DO NOT let DH guilt you. This was your problem for many, many years. You stepped out and there is probably some misplaced anger from DH and SIL about that. That's on them. They have literally had all the time in the world to deal with the future issues with MIL and they simply...didn't.
As far as the fall--even if she didn't break anything, you fall hard at that age and you feel it in every inch of your body. My mother falls a lot and she will be banged up and very bruised, but has never broken a bone. I'm sure if MIL says she's in pain, she probably is.
As for hospitalists--my experience with them has been 100% negative. I know it's a great cost cutting measure, but they simply don't have enough experience or education to deal with the myriad issues they see.
Let MIL stew at the hospital, If SIL wants to sit vigil, more power to her. A Christmas Day discharge is pretty unlikely. If DH does go spell her for a while, that's great, but I wouldn't say another word about it to him. Enjoy your hard-planned holiday with the babies.
Hang tough....it's going to be worse before it's better. Hopefully THIS is THE wake up call for SIL and DH.
Norman Rockwell was WAY off base with his take on Christmas, wasn't he? :)
I seem to recall that early in this thread I said "the fact that MIL refuses to go to a facility does NOT trump your refusal to have her inadequately cared for in your home". I stand by that.
If DH and SIL can arrange for Home Health 24/7, hospital bed, someone at her side for all her needs until she can ambulate again, then that's great.
In NYC, that exists. Not in FL, as far as I know.
How about, have her medivacked to SIL's residence to be cared for there, by SIL 24/7. That works, right?
Infuriating!
DH is going to put this guilt trip on you? He had months to discuss this with his sister and they did not. Nope nope nope. They own the guilt.
So she goes to rehab. What’s wrong with that? If she can’t navigate her own home safely, she NEEDS to go there - yellow room or not. It gives them a few weeks to get their act together & MIL gets therapy and medication management & the rehab ctr. and maybe deep breathing exercises and respiratory monitoring when she doesn’t breath deeply enough b/o her pain.
Yes, let him change & adapt his entire life to care for his mother. Not you.
Is she is a hospital room or still in the ER? I can’t see her not being admitted at this point. She is unable to ambulated & not eating.
Wow Merry Christmas Dorker, with love from your in-laws & DH. Now it’s your fault because you don’t want to wait hand over foot on you husband’s mother? Let her kids hire caregivers 24/7 with the agreement MIL can not dismiss them because her son can’t devote his time to her, ditto SIL.
Keep showing your strength, Dorker doesn’t = Doormat.
Think of all the time you compromised taking care of your MIL out of the goodness of your heart. For that alone your decision should be respected and that means your husband stands by you as well. He’s not married to his mother and his wife’s needs should be first.
If I were you, I’d drop it. Go on with your dinner, enjoy the kids, and ignore the merry-go-round in that part of town. You’ve said your peace. No need to reiterate- it’s your home too and the Lady of the House has spoken.
I am so sorry. Please continue with your boundaries. Maybe that’s been part of the whole conversation. Seeing the real truth about those we love can change relationships. You’ve done your share and more.