I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
MIL has been a game-player since way back.
Way back to when she was raising her own children. Selectively humiliating them for her own entertainment. Thereby creating a family dynamic where honest, direct communication was too dangerous for her now-adult children to attempt with their own tribe. Both past and present.
It’s murky now, because MIL lacks so much physical agency. But her manipulative streak is is still there.
Dorker, painful and infuriating as it is — your prime directive needs to be the fact (FACT, not opinion) that no one in this mix gives 2 sh*ts about your sanity. It’s all on you. And it sukks. BUT you are blessed(?!) with a constant reminder to stoke that fire and fiercely guard your own boundaries.
Also - there’s been a lot of unflattering talk here about your husband. I sense that he’s a good guy and a good companion to you. But MIL’s escalating drama has aimed a mega-watt spotlight at his weaknesses. He doesn’t want to confront this. (H*ll, nobody wants to confront their own weaknesses!) And it’s extra raw for him, because you used to be such a good “patch.”
Hubby had no idea how much he relied on your now-defunct “buffer” role — until now. And if hubby never finds the words to articulate that.... well, he’s human.
This is a rough patch for the two of you. But I see a better future. When and how, I cannot say! But trust that this MIL crud will not define your marriage forever. It just feels that way right now.
Big hugs, Dorker. You are doing an awesome job with boundaries. And yes, it’s exhausting. Stay strong! You have our support. 👍🏼
The visit ended up being just that, a visit. MIL has vetoed the removal of shower doors .. feeling as though .. with nothing there but a shower curtain (vs the shower door that is presently in place) she will be falling all over the place, .. nothing stationary to hang onto or whatever. So, SIL .. with all her gadgets/devices, etc .. now the proud owner of a shower bench transfer seat that will have to be returned.
Sounds like SIL and hubby never did take the opportunity to allow DH to be the caretaker for a little while and make their exit. They all stayed put .. and DH just visited.
And yes, if anyone is curious, "didn't SIL run this past MIL before ordering this shower xfer bench". Yes, .. she did .. and apparently MIL wasn't sold on it to begin with, but .. SIL the arm twisters of all arm twisters, prevailed. Only for .. in the end, .. MIL ... shower bench xfer chair now in their possession, to veto the whole thing. Not surprising.
These are some of the rabbit holes that I used to be sent down.
The stationary exercise bike .. a year or so ago ... stop the presses, have to go get it, PT says so .. that he will work with her (the PT person) on mounting and dismounting the thing .. but it will be so good for her. DH and I both at the time, ... "have you all lost your minds, .. she can barely stay upright .. much less get up on to a stationary bike, .. and get off of it on her own". No no .. per SIL .. no, the PT person says that it will help to build muscles in her legs .. and strengthen her legs .. and he is going to work with her on it .. "But SIL . you and I both know .. she will dismiss PT as soon as you get on that plane to go home, she always does". SIL: NO .. she seems really motivated this time, to do what she needs to do, and he's going to work with her on it, . it'll be good for her".
Off we go, stop the presses, drop everything, run to the other end of the earth to get this oh so great deal on this stationary bike, .. and .. in the end .. I think the PT person did work with her some on it, .. and she .. as she always does, kicked PT to the curb, when SIL left .. and the bike has sat, un-used ever since.
Rabbit holes.
Too many to list here. The doggie diapers .. for when her dog was so sick, .. and my protests that she won't even be able to put the things on the dog, her arthritic fingers ...
Nope nothing would do, but we had to get doggie diapers. The bag still sits in her utility room, never used.
Rabbit holes.
So many of them.
Stupid inconsequential stuff that pops thru your memory bank and you have to make a conscious effort to banish it from your thoughts.
For some reason .. I was in the kitchen this morning .. making a salad for later today .. and it occurred to me, (why does this happen, then you have to make an effort to not think those things). This goes so far back. Somehow, for reasons I don't even know, .. the thought came to mind, this goes so far back.
Back in 2009 when DD was getting married, .. a formal affair that had taken a year or more in the planning and paying for it.
Rehearsal night .. all who are to be a part of things, to be front and center, at the church and then after, for the rehearsal dinner.
MIL just "wasn't up to it". She just couldn't make it, .. it was just too much for her to have to do .. could she please just bow out. Pizzed me off, at the time, and more so, it hurt DD's feelings .. this was an important occasion in her life .. and for her g'ma to say she "just can't do it, it's just too much", ..it hurt her feelings.
And in the end, .. (stupid inconsequential, in the end) ....... she muffed up things on the wedding day. Grands were to be escorted by groomsmen, at the start of the ceremony. Because MIL hadn't been at the rehearsal to know such things .. she just came on in, and sat down where she thought she might like to, rather than in the first few pews set aside, reserved, for family. And had to be asked .. "you're a grand mother, you need to be sitting over there, .. and you didn't wait to be escorted, .. which fouled up things .. so will you now get up and move to the 2nd row up front please".
Just stupid .. nothingness of things, in the end.. but it serves to get your goose as they say .. (anger) you, all over again. This goes all the way back to 2009 ............. that's how long, she's been struggling to manage .. even longer, it's just that's the one that popped into my mind, for some reason I don't even know, .. (probably because we attended a wedding yesterday afternoon, who knows).
Which then also prompted the memory of YD's high school graduation, 2012. A graduation party planned at a local diner .. and that too, MIL just couldn't do it, .. she just wouldn't be able to manage that, it was just too much .. she couldn't possibly go to the graduation (she didn't go) and then attend, the party afterwards, it was just more than she could do. Hurt YD's feelings.
Their grandmother has always been such a good grandmother to them .. and they have had many good times with her through the years. A bond there. But that was truly a disappointment to YD .. that she wouldn't (bear in mind, .. we would help her, .. she knows that, .. it's not that she'd have to drive herself there, get out of the car on her own, navigate the curb up into the place, and a find a seat .. that's not the case at all).
The hurt .. on both daughter's .. when you then realize ..
I think it was 2010 .. that SIL's daughter was getting married. We live in FL. SIL's daughter, getting married in a fabulous resort on the coast in CA ..
Did MIL attend that shindig?
Yep. You bet she did. SIL to help her along, of course .. she flew to IL, and from there, .. then flew with SIL and family to CA .. and SIL there to assist ..
That wasn't lost on daughters here, .. that she can't even come the few blocks to the diner for the graduation party .. but she can fly all the way across the country to a wedding .. she can't even come the few miles up the road to the church and the rehearsal dinner, .. but she can fly all the way across the country.
The point in all this .. #1) why do these stupid things pop up in your memory and anger you all over again, .. #2) this has been going on FOR A LONG TIME .. this whole "I couldn't possibly do that, it's more than I can do".
But yet .. she's been left to spout the mantra .. for years, .. "now you all needn't worry about me here .. I will be fine, I can manage .. ". SIL with all her rabbit holes, and devices and gadgets .. and DH with his firmly indented seat in the benches on the sidelines, sans a call to service, to fix something.
Oh well, .. I am going to work, to get rid of all that, it's long gone, serves no purpose to hash it all out again. And look forward to some playoff football today on TV. Big football fan here. If you like football, and I do .. this is some good *must see TV*.
You need to tell DH (i think you THINK you have, but it needs to be stated in clear terms: i.e., NOT " your mother doesnt. need. to . be" but rather:
"It is not acceptable to me that your mother move in with us, even on a temporary basis. Your mother needs far more care than any one person can provide. The available resources need to be investigated, so that your mother can be cared for adequately either in her home or in a facility. I have done what I can and am no longer available to provide care."
It was really sad because yeah, her dad had built it. But it was rotten and broken. It needed to go away.
SIL and DH (but mostly SIL) are out there with a hammer and tape (!!!!!!!!!) trying to get the trellis to stay up. It CAN'T.
Other than that keep circling apartments to rent in your area and leave them on hubby's pillow.
Put sticky notes on the adds with ists of things you may need. Fully furnished only need kitchen stuff and linens" "Unfurnished will use the rec room furniture but may have to buy a fridge" "Only need a bed so will use the one from the yellow bedroom"
Hubby has heard you loud and clear, he simply does not believe what he heard. he still thinks you will cave when push comes to shove. So add a few rental agreements to the pile by hubby's bed and don't forget renters insurance.
If you have accurately relayed the conversation that you had with SIL - and I’m sure you have - then it seems to me that she was fishing. Fishing for you, Dorker to volunteer The Yellow Bedroom.
Next - I was debating on saying it but Midkid nailed it. Not to be Debbie Downer- but honestly- I don’t think MIL is long for this world, thus SIL moving there would be nuts. MIL will probably pass before the U-haul is fully packed. Just how long is dh expecting his mother to live? Another area where he seems to have his head up his behind. But then again... Who knows? I lost count of the number of times my parents guilted me into visiting my grandma saying “This will be grandmas last Christmas”.
Finally - yes! Do get a pool boy. A tall, six-pak packing, hunk of a boy toy in tiny cut offs. Pure eye candy. Hey - there has to be a silver lining somewhere in this cluster F for you!
This reminds me of one time I was hosting a BBQ for HUBBY'S family--very stressful relationship with his mother--I had 5 little kids running around, trying to get ready for the dinner, DH is napping on the couch. I finally SCREAMED at him "For the love of heaven GET UP AND HELP ME". He washed the dog.
When MIL is next in the hospital and the doctor is giving everyone stink eye because "Ma doesn't want to leave home", it's going to be like the PTA meeting where you're not there and everyone volunteers you to chair the annual carnival. Except in this case it'll be DH and SIL deciding that MIL will rehab at Dorker's "for now." Be ready to remind DH that you will be out if they do that, and ready to follow thru. About the pool...if you want to remove this non issue, you could get the needed chemicals ( algaecide, chlorine) from your pool supply store or bring in a pool guy short term.
OBVIOUSLY Dh and SIL never have learned to communicate. And it's not suddenly going to happen. AND, my gut feelings are that they are going to try their mightiest to get MIL moved into Dorker's home.....they seem to have a bag of tricks the size of a mac truck.
I cannot fathom WHY DH is out "doing good works" for the church--when a HUGE "good work" is staring him in the FACE?? In my mind, you take care of family first--no matter what your church is asking of you. No, you don't get the kudos from your fellow churchies---but if that's the reason DH does so much...ah..what can you say?
Dorker, I'd be a screaming mess by now. Seriously. They are painting a fence that blew down in a hurricane --which has been laying in a field for years, and thinking it spruces up the place...your MIL being the fence in that rather awkward scenario.
This has taught us all one important thing: NEVER EVER "promise" mom or dad or whomever, that you will not have them placed in a "home". I have seen this over and over and it NEVER works out well. Never. Ever.
You MUST stick to your guns. My DH wanted his father to live out his life at our home. We still had 2 teenage daughters at home. The answer was "no" the 1st time he broached this with me and it was "he^&, no" the 40th time he asked me. I was the bad guy and I wore the badge proudly as I did care for his dad in his own home--but never allowed even an overnight stay. (BTW, I'm still considered unbearably selfish for not taking him in, so it's not like DH ever "got it".)
Keep on being strong. I agree, SIL should have her OWN Amazon Prime acct. Good grief, considering what she's spending on all this 'crap' it would pay for itself in a month. And it gets you out of the buying loop. More steps back!!!
In truth, and we all think this, I bet. MIL is going to not make it through this year. She's hanging on through sheer orneriness, now. I guess SIL and DH can play their games and do all the "stuff" and in the end. she's going to fall again, break something, hurt herself so badly that going back home will never be an option for her. THEN DH and SIL will be playing the "shoulda, woulda,coulda game--which is so miserable.
In this sad scenario, NOBODY is happy. Not even close.
Pack that bag. Be ready to flee. Sometimes, it takes a serious smack upside the head for someone to see what's right in front of them. YOU ARE NOT TAKING MIL IN YOUR HOME PERIOD. Dh doesn't think you "really' mean that. But you do.
((sigh)) I feel your pain Dorker. More than you'll know. My sibs don't communicate either, but my PIA mother doesn't live with me and never will.
Thank God for those babies!!! You need that sunshine in your life!
If only he could read this board......maybe by post 1,890 he'd start to get the feeling that he might, just might be asking a little too much from you.
You are doing brilliantly. I don't mean, just not killing anyone. I mean persevering with the gosh I don't know have you thought about talking to your sister oh dearest husband. Stick with it. You will be fine, and if they do take your cue they all will be too.
ARRRRGGGG!
(Where is it?!? Where is my helmet? ...Packed it away after mom died...)
MUST. NOT. BANG. HEAD. AGAINST. WALL. WITHOUT. HELMET!!!
I have a feeling there will be further updates today...looking forward to them!
Amazon: How about taking MIL's cc and address off your list, and when SIL asks again, tell her something like, "Oh, last time you had me order I took off her info from my account since you made it clear you were taking over her care. You can order from your account. You don't have prime? That's ok, you still get free shipping with $25 order and if you want Prime, it's just $11 a month. But you need to have this yourself, as I have removed MIL from my account and I won't be ordering for her anymore."
You've gotten so awesome at setting boundaries everywhere else, but this is one place that SIL has found a weakness. Keep stepping back.
To ask SIL to sell her home and move there is absurd!
And it's ridiculous to spend money on airfare for H to fly to IL to install grab bars. Can't someone local to SIL do that??? H should save his $$ for airfare for when he goes to IL to relieve SIL for a week or two for respite if MIL actually moves in with her.
DH ... I heard him telling his sister on the phone, .. he has to go out and finish up some fine tuning on a job site this morning .. and will then come there, and remove the shower doors per her request, .. and stay with their mom so she and her hubby can run some errands, but that we have a wedding to attend this afternoon.
I told him, "If we don't get to that wedding this afternoon, .. it's no biggie, you know that, right?".
No answer. He was by then, engrossed in a text between he and a contractor on some topic ongoing with a jobsite, and my words, tuned out.
But he then turned, after that, to me, with this question:
"Mom's house is so set up for her, there are no steps anywhere .. other than for her to get from her garage into her house .. that's it ... and there's a grab bar there ... and there are grab bars everywhere in her home. Why is it that sister can't move here .. and help with mom .. and get out of that cold climate where they live, .. they need to get out of that anyway".
I was just taken back ... "you mean you don't know the answer to that question, .. why do you two not talk to one another, why is it I know the answers that would be given if that is approached, and you don't .. you talked to her all of about 20 mins. the other night, .. about your mom not being left alone any longer, .. but that's it .. why is it you two can't sit down and hash out some of these things ... I know the answer you will be given if you ask that question, why do I know it and you don't".
I gave him the answer, I know that his sister will give. Her husband's healthcare practitioners are all (and he has many medical issues himself) there where they live .. and to have that to set up all again, in another location, too daunting ... and .... her husband's family all live in that area .. and they like it there ... their daughter lives there .. a number of reasons. Forever .. for many years .. it was said that when she retires, .. they will sell their home and move down here ... that was the "plan" for many many years ... but somewhere it all changed, and that option isn't on the table anymore .. so no .. your sister isn't going to entertain the notion of selling her home and moving down here, that's not going to happen, .. her husband and his many medical issues and the healthcare practitioners he sees, are all there, where they live".
DH: "As good as sister is at navigating all this and getting mom the help she needs, she could put it all together here, .. don't we have folks here that her husband could then become a patient and see .. can't she .. she's so good at all that".
Me: "Ask her, .. I don't guess she wants to do all that, .. and his family all live in that area .. and for many reasons .. they don't want to leave that area".
DH: "I need to be on a plane getting Sister's house set up with grab bars .. so she can bring mom there .. sister's house has that one step down to get into their den .. mom doesn't have to deal with that in her own home .. she has that one lone step .. from her garage .. up into the living area of her home .. that's it .. she doesn't have to navigate a step anywhere in her home .. sister's house, .. she'll have to navigate that one step down to get into the den .. or if she needs to go back into the other area, step back up to get up it .. I need to be there, installing a grab bar, .. so she can do that, and I guess .. in the bathroom ... ".
Me: "Talk to her .. why don't you guys talk about this stuff .. it boggles my damn mind .. you so busy all the time with all of your goings on .and her so busy with all the caretaking and device/gadget getting .. you two never talk about all the logistics of all this, it really .. confounds me".
DH: Dumbstruck deer caught in the headlights look on his face, .. as he then moved on to the topic of having to go button down that job site .. and then on to his moms, and then to that wedding this afternoon.
GAWD ................ why doesn't he even know the simplest of simple questions, the answer to it. What is so hard about .. I mean simple communication and conversation .. these kinds of points come out .. and you know the answers ...
I never realized until recently . being a part of this family .. all these years .. the absolute stratospheric level of *don't communicate*.
And it's not because either is just dumbstruck and clueless .. and ... living their own party life or whatever. That's not it at all.
It truly is .. truly ... through and through ... it's a matter that SIL can't take off the gadget/fix-it/device caretaker hat long enough to see down the road and have some dialogue .. and DH is so busy with his work/church/hunting ... he doesn't look down the road. That's the crux of it all.
In the meantime .. there is me, who .. as was said in the beginning of all this, hopping up and down .. and waving .. "hey look over here, I've got a few things to say about all this .. hey you guys, both of ya . hey listen up".
I'm talking to two people who are so absorbed in their own roles they play in their daily walk of life .. that they don't hear me, don't see me, .. don't even have enough insight to look down the road.
That one question .. "why can't sister sell her house and move here".
ARE YOU KIDDING ME, you don't know the answer to that, you have got to be kidding me, .. you can't be serious. That's like 101 of this whole thing .. I've known the answer to that one, in all this, for YEARS ................and you don't!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The level of complete dysfunction here .........
You could pat him gently on the head and say "priorities, dear." That's what it comes down to, and as you so rightly say whose mother this is anyway.
No one has even cracked the book open to look at how all this works. We only know the above, the home is vacated by owner, for 12 months .. the bank takes it. That's how it works.
There are numerous things that MIL wants to bequeath to specific people .. and so those items would need to be dived out to their respective recipients. That's do-able.
MIL has occupied the home for 40 years ..and so you have 40 years of "things" in the home. Some of those "things" .. are family heirlooms .. she wants dived out appropriately .. others ... not so much .. and of course, I guess any important factoids she thinks she needs to have her hot little hands on to hang onto, I don't know.
The whole situation has been, for so long, in nurse maid ... caretaker role so long .. SIL arrives on the scene here and plays f/t caretaker .. and no one has even begun to look at the above, nor go through anything of any substance to begin weeding through. Too busy being caretaker to whatever calamity has now befallen the whole situation. Been that way for quite some time.
Yes, DH absolutely needs to go over and relieve his sister so that she and her husband can get out and about to do some errands, but also .. if they'd like, to have a minute of respite from the whole scene over there. Him alluding he has too much to do .. that he "doesn't know about all that".
I'm not going to fight with him about it, .. that's between he and his sister. But ... don't think for a minute it's all lost on me. It's not. THIS is the very thing that would befall the whole situation if I were stupid enough to step up to the plate, I'm not.
He does have a lot to do. He's been so busy he hasn't had a chance to do any invoicing .. needs to sit down and get that done .. and our pool .. it's kinda a green haze .. (not in use at this time) .. and so he wants to get at that, .. and correct it, and clean it out ... he's' got a myriad of things he needs to do today and thus his assertion "I don't know about all that".
Too bad. Your mom. Deal with it.
He even said, .. "she may have to have B stay there with her, and sister can go run the errands she needs to do".
My response to that: "B needs to get out of that sick house, caretaker role he's been thrust into since he got here .. let he and she go and get away for a bit .. you NEED to go over there and deal with it".
I don't wish for anyone to have a squabble here, but how I do wish that his sister would take a stance, with her brother, "I have been here for days in this mess, .. and I need a break, get your azz over here, for as long as it takes, I don't give a chit about your pool or your billing, bring what you need over here, and you can do your billing from here, while mother sleeps .. damnit!".
She won't.
She is .. if there is a word for someone who is patient to an absolute ridiculous level .. it's her. If DH called her and refused to come, because he has "so much to get done here" .. she would just leave her husband there, and off she'd go .. or she'd send her husband out, and she'd stay there, there would be no words exchanged over it.
This morning will be a bit interesting, to see what dialogue transpires here in this household on that topic. I have to go in a little bit to go watch the babies for DD and her husband. DD is working today and her husband there with the babies .. and he too has some errands he needs to run, and would I come sit with the babies so he doesn't have to get them out in this cold. Absolutely .. I'm always up for watching the babies.
Good too, in that DH can't now look at me, "I have too much to do here, .. will you go sit with my mom so my sister can go do what she needs to do". Nope. I have other plans for my day.
Since SIL is so focused on MIL's care and has now mentioned the cost of flying out to see her, it really does seem best that MIL end up in a facility near SIL. SIL will be trying to micromanage from afar both H and the facility, so she might as well make sure MIL is local to her.
What shape is MIL's house in? How much work would it take to put it up for sale? Does it really matter, anyway, since she has a reverse mortgage and when she goes on Medicaid, won't the house be taken, anyway?
Oh, yes, how terrible that DH is now the one receiving the 20 fixit texts per day for MIL from SIL. How selfish of Dorker not to ease his burden. **bigger eye roll here**.
Dorker, you canceled the hotel and stayed at home with MIL during hurricane. Like many, that gave DH the idea that you might relent. Pack a go-bag. I DID. Take $250 cash and put with bag. Find hotel you like and put card with go-bag. Many people need concrete proof that you not only say you will go, but are prepared to. He is “easy way out man”. It hurts to see that this is still there. Sons of dysfunctional mothers were not raised to be separate reasoning beings but rather to follow direction of mama. Not wife.
I agree you need to stay on high alert for any moves at all in the direction of the Yellow Room, but I wouldn't as it happens be too concerned about what he said for public consumption this time, especially as he did meet your eye. Maybe he knows fine well that this particular church lady will be off telling all and sundry "just like a man! Dumps it all on his sister!" or something like that and wanted to head her off.
Too bad you didn’t know about SILs text requests for dh to come give her a break - while you all were in the checkout line. You could have interjected “As a matter of fact - since mom can’t be left alone and SIL has been working herself ragged as her caregiver- dh is going over to spend the whole day with his mother so his sister can get a break. Isn’t he wonderful?!!”
Yea, right.
However, while I think dh said what he said for the above reason - that doesn’t mean I think he is not still considering The Yellow Bedroom an option. Cause I do - I fully believe he thinks that if MILs situation becomes dire enough - that you, Dorker will relent. I don’t believe he has taken The Yellow Bedroom out of the equation for one second. If your serious about moving out if MIL moves in - I’d start making some initial plans as to where you’re going to go - if I were you.
His response: "She's not doing well, she recently fell again, my sister is here taking care of her ... it's bad .. I think the time has come .. she's going to either have to go live with my sister, or *with me* .. she can't live alone anymore".
Very telling .. not sure what is wrong with he and his sister .. his sister with her continual one more gadget one more device, one more this or that, and she'll be fine .. and leave her to her own devices. Denial. And her brother, my husband, .. "......come live with me" .. what the hell is wrong with these people?
I have said it and said it and said it .. and he knows the score here .. he thinks his mom will be cared for by me .. f/t ... it's not going to happen. It will cost him his marriage, I will leave .. I will not do it. He's been told this! Yet those words shoot out of his mouth?!?!?!?
It wasn't the time/place to confront that with anything of the ilk, "NO YOU WILL NOT" .. not in that setting .. I merely shot him a look .. he caught the look.
Later in the car, he was asked about that .. and his response, "I know she isn't coming to our home .. I know that .. I was just making the point that changes are coming for my mom's situation ...".
THEN DON'T SAY THOSE WORDS .. it's not going to happen!
Do you see why I have this underlying foreboding .. that this will somehow circle back to a "Now Dorker, come to your senses here, .. we're bringing mother in for you to care for her".
I said I was backing out of the caregiver role, and I've done that .. that's been evident .. it's not something I've backslidden on .. thus .. it should be clear, .. what I say .. I mean. Yet those words shot out of DH's mouth. UNBELIEVABLE.
Then, get this .. a few more minutes up the road on the way to go home, he then says this: "Sister has been texting me all day ... (SIGH SIGH SIGH) .. I haven't even read all of it, there must be 20 of them .. she's wanting me to come tomorrow to sit with mother for a while, so she and her husband can run out to Trader Joe's and to Bed Bath and Beyond .. and some other errands .. wants me to come sit with mother while they do that ... I don't know about all that .. I don't have time for all that ...".
Don't think for a minute he didn't hear it from me. He did.
Yes, you will go sit and let your sister have a break, and let HER HUSBAND get out from the sick room care that he's been relegated to since he got here .. and if they want to make a day of it, and go to lunch and a movie and anything else, .. you need to make it happen .. she's YOUR MOTHER".
I know she utilizes mine because she knows I have one anyway (always ordering something or other for my grandchildren).
Had a bit of discussion yesterday with SIL.
I KNOW and I KNOW and I KNOW .. this should be up to HER BROTHER to have discussion with her.
IT doesn't happen! I wish that it would. GOD how I wish it would. He just goes along his busy merry way .. with all of his work/church .. hunting, etc. Goes over there as handyman when needed .. offers to take a shift (it gets declined) ... and that's that.
SIL texting me yesterday that MIL is doing better .. she is able to now get around (walker) more .. without SIL standing right beside her. But .. she is also still sleeping with her nightly .. and if the dog needs out . which mostly he does .. but not always (SIL keeps him up later than MIL would normally) .. she gets up with the dog. If MIL needs to get up in the middle of the nite to go to the bathroom, she gets up with her. Said this goes on about 3 x's a night.
She went on in that same breath .. to say ... that she's worried .. her mom has the MOHS procedure scheduled for 1/29 .. and she will have to have some stitches and likely stay off that leg .. some .. which will be a set back as to any PT .. and ... her worried she won't even be able to withstand the MOHS thing at that point .. (squamous cell carcinoma on her lower leg, .. looks pretty hideous btw).
Then pondering, without even taking a breath .. she knows that she will not be on that plane to return home on 1/9 as the reservations were set up .. but whether to send her husband home .. or keep him there with her.
He was set up to go back and do his volunteer tax work he does this time of year .. and that is to commence upon his return there. She worries though, leaving him alone .. who should she leave alone, her husband at home alone (husband suffered a minor stroke back when she was here last, her husband home alone) .. also suffers from some pretty severe BP disorder and is on a LOT LOT LOT of medications .. and is diabetic .. and if he gets manic, .. and he does .. rarely .. but he does .. he eats ALL the wrong things without someone to police him.
At first I tried to just stay benign .. and answered, "no easy answers".
She then went on to say: "and of course, those reservations we made, that's just a loss .. the expense of not returning .. we just eat that cost .. ".
She then goes on to say that .. as she ponders keeping her husband here, what a help he's been .. he washes the dishes, does the laundry, cares for the dog, runs errands .. if he goes home, then it's all on her .. all of it.
Talked about the expense of having made the reservation .. and if they don't go back, eating that cost .. along with the fact they are presently paying a neighbor boy $25 each time that he has to snow blow or whatever
I answered that: "Yes well it does seem every time you come here there is one calamity after another, either you arrived here because of a calmity or the calamity occurs while you're here .. you need your own private yet, sounds like".
Her lamenting, "so hard to know what to do".
I said to her: "your mom isn't safe to live alone anymore, .. the docs told her that in the hospital .. as you know, I've been saying it for months ... she needs more supervised care".
SIL: "I'm not even sure when she can make that trip to my house .. she's certainly not strong enough right now .. and it had been my hope to bring her to live with us .. though that too, will be frought with some problems, but it's the only thing I know to do .. I mean .. eventually . .. an ALF near us .. but for the first, at least .. to live with us ... but I don't know when she will be strong enough to make that trip".
I responded to that: "As we've told you, we will do whatever we can to help facilitate any move that needs to happen .. but .. you all are going to continue to wait until the window on any ability to travel is slammed shut for good .. she can't stay well long enough to make that trip ... between the diarrhea bout that went on for weeks on end, no answers, culminating in a hospital stay .. the fading away sessions she was having ... the UTI .. the hospitalization, the fall that had us nursing her around the clock for weeks ... the window is closing, if it hasn't already".
SIL: "I just don't really know what to do .. I guess we just close her house up and deal with that later .. I don't know ... I wanted to have her up my area .. and eventually an ALF there, so I can keep a finger on the pulse of the goings on and be a part of her life .. if she's in an ALF here .. I will still have the expense of trying to get back down here all the time. I just hate having to uproot her .. it's so unsettling for elderly people, and she just loves her house .. and it's so perfectly set up for her .. there are just no easy answers in it".
I responded to that: "Your mom is going to fall again .. I don't delude myself into thinking that all the gadgets in the world will preclude another fall . it's going to happen . this time .. she dodged a major bullet in that there are no serious broken bones .. but it's coming ..it's not "if" it's when .. because it's coming, she falls all the time. What would her answer be, .. does she want to stay in her home, be damned the nasty horrible consequences that are sure to come .. is that her wish ... ".
She said in response: "No I think she's almost afraid to be alone at this point .. for fear of falling .. I think this got her attention .. and she seems to have a more realistic view these days .. than she did previously .. that it's just not safe. But I can't move here .. and so .. she has to come to where I live .. but can't keep her well long enough to get her there".
My response to that: "I guess these are the consequences of allowing her the latitude she's been given to keep repeating the mantra "I'll be fine, now I will manage here" .. as she's been given for so long ... I said it and I meant it, months ago .. she is not safe to be living alone .. and here we are ... she has fallen .. and this time it is taking round the clock care .. there is no one here that can do what it is you're doing ... round the clock".
SIL response: "Well I know that there is no setting that can prevent a fall, .. she could fall living with me . she could fall in an ALF, but I know ..at least in an ALF there are shifts of folks there coming in and fresh to do their job .. and it's not on one person to do it".
SIL goes on to say: "I just feel so bad for her ... I don't want whatever time she has left on earth to be unpleasant .. I feel bad uprooting her .. from all she knows and loves .. and she feels sad, feels like she has lived too long and is a burden .. and doesn't want to burden any of us".
I responded to that: "Well in my view, .. if she is of sound mind, and she is thought to be .. then she should be pondering how it is she can lessen that *Burden* she perceives herself to be .. and it seems to me, that her care and well being .. under your roof if you are willing/able .. lessens that burden .. to some degree and so she should be willing to make that accommodation. She certainly isn't the first person to have lived long enough that they need assistance .. she's not the first won't be the last .. but she should frame it more, or maybe you can .. that at least she's got a daughter that is willing/able to make her last days as pleasant, within reason .. that can be .. a lot of elderly/feeble folks don't have that as an option .. she should frame it in that light .. and be grateful .. rather than worrying more about what a burden she is, .. and you worrying more about uprooting her, it's about safety at this point ... she isn't safe continuing to live alone, and I don't care how many gadgets are put in place, she is going to fall again .. it's going to happen".
SIL: "I know that it's so hard for her, she has really powered thru the pain here to work to get more stable and recovered here .. but her body just doesn't always cooperate".
Me: "she's almost 90 years old, .. that's a given .. she's not going to recover like someone much younger .. and each time, it's weeks and weeks and weeks or recovery .. no matter what the basis for the latest calmity .. she doesn't need to live alone anymore and you having to hop on a plane and then the expense thereof, .. and/or deciding what to do about your husband .. when the person who is in "need" can't accommodate and make themselves available for that help .. then that person who "needs", is going to have to do things differently.
Your brother isn't retired, you see how much he's out there .. like about zilch .. I am not retired ... I took this on .. for far too long .. caring for your mom .. and I can't .. and won't do it anymore .. she doesn't need to be left there, no matter what gadgets are put in place ..".
SIL: "I know, it sounds like that is dawning on her also .. finally .. but what to do about it .. she has to have this MOHS procedure and then recoop from that .. and of course, there is still this back injury she's working through, and it's the dead of winter, hadn't wanted to move her up there in the dead of winter .. and she's just not well enough to travel at this point".
Me: "Looks like you will have some tough decisions to make, decisions that should've been made long ago .. and you guys keep kicking the can down the road, .. it's not going to get better .. it's going to get worse .. that's a given .. and anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves".
At that, she changed the subject.
This is the conversation that needs to occur between his sister and his mom and my husband. And look at all these thousands of posts .. and all these months.
IT DOES NOT HAPPEN.
I needed to have followed up the above (didn't occur to me til later) .. that she needs to be clear .. she and her mom both .. in the event she finds it suitable to leave her mom here, having supposedly nursed her back to stability (HA!, .. there is no stability in this situation) .. be aware .. should she fall or have some other malady, 911 is on speed dial on my phone and will be summoned, and she will not have an advocate in a hospital stay .. I won't be there .. she doesn't need to live alone and I'm not going to prop that charade up .. I won't be there .. and I doubt seriously your brother will be on that front either, in your stead .. so you make your decisions .. but at least you are informed.
SIL should be cleaning out her mom’s home to get ready to sell instead.
Absolutely correct about putting a bandaid on a huge leak.
And, let SIK get her own Prime account!
So sorry Dorker. It’s not over for you either. You sound pretty firm & I admire you for this.