I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
If MIL ends up back in the hospital for the requisite three days, then you get the advantage of discharge at least giving you a list of places to look at and maybe getting her some Medicare-paid rehab days before she gets admitted as "Medicaid Pending". But if SIL is the one who can no longer do the care-giving, either because she falls ill or she has to return home, a more likely scenario, then DH (deer in the headlights, anyone?) gets to take all that on. Both the "talking mom into going", figuring out how it's getting paid for AND selecting the correct facility.
It's going to be a bumpy winter.
However.
If I were in this position my biggest worry would be - that for some reason SIL is abruptly removed from the situation- either she has a crisis of some sort or her hubby does - and MIL is in no way able to be on her own. So now the ball is sitting on DHs side of the net. And he’s gonna be looking at Dorker and that Yellow Bedroom.
Not wanting to jeopardize my marriage over a standoff regarding that Yellow Bedroom- I would be ready with a list of possible placements.
I know it’s not Dorkers responsibility to find placement. That that job falls squarely on DH and SIL. But they can’t seem to be able to find their own azz’s with both hands and a flashlight.
But that’s just me.
AND why can’t DH take the dog care over until MIL can care for him?
How about going over on a weekend and taking a meal?
Plenty of ways to give the shoulder blade a rub without worrying about the lowering to the potty or losing focus of seeking out a long term solution.
And whose fault is it that it's come to this? Yup.
Just what is SILs measuring stick for determining well enough for travel? Specifically by plane - given that MIL won’t be flying the plane herself?
"I was so hoping she would dig in her heels just as hard with her mother .. that she will need to go to where her daughter lives and be with her there, .. so she can be adequately assisted, . absent anyone on this end to do so.
Not to be.
Mother in law has spoken her piece, she isn't going, not now, not ever. "
So that was seven months ago, and since then there has been a series of medical events, and we all are where we are, and DH at least has concluded that MIL can't live alone any more. Probably ever again.
Which might entitle a lesser person than you to dance round the room chanting "told you so." And is certainly stressful and frustrating for all concerned.
But on the positive side, over the last few months you have at least drawn very, very clear lines and both DH and SIL appear to be respecting them.
Then there remains the question of, okay, so what is going to happen? Well, anybody's guess, really; but you have quite rightly made certain that whatever it is it is not going to be on your back.
Now that you have successfully removed yourself as a resource (which is absolutely right, and you must indeed stick to your guns on that) I do think you can breathe easily enough to allow these two some sympathy. No, there isn't a clear plan, or a clear way forward; it might be a pity they didn't insist before now on MIL's creating one, but they had limited power to do that; these are the consequences that MIL has brought on herself and her children; and they will all just have to muddle through as best they can. "Come what come may, time and the hour runs through the roughest day" as Macbeth points out, and events will carry MIL forward willy-nilly to whatever solutions remain available. Declining to enable any further impracticality doesn't mean you can't give their shoulder blades a rub when you feel like it.
Has there been any real true dialogue along those lines? Nope.
Does SIL see it that her mother can no longer live alone? Has anyone asked her that question, and what her thoughts are going forward? Nope.
Thus my question to DH yesterday .. as he described that his mother is having to be helped onto the potty .. that she can't lower herself onto the potty. My question to him, "is this something your sister thinks that more PT will alleviate .. and she will eventually be brought to where she can then be left alone?".
His answer: "she can't be left alone anymore, she can't live alone".
Have either of you sat down to have some real discussion on this. Nope.
Thus the question that remains in my mind's eye. So is this yet again, going to be SIL nursing along to health here (what I deem as health and well being, and what she does, are two vastly different things). Is this a matter that SIL is staying the course, as she's done countless times, to bring her mom back to health .. and then leave her, .. with the mantra so often spouted, "she manages just fine .. ".
A question that doesn't have any real answers. No one really talking about it all. Other than me, when I bring it up to DH.
Obviously I'm motivated to bring it up, because that scenario looms ever larger, .. status quo .. SIL nurses her to health .. and leaves .. and then .. what of the next calamity .. and the showdown that's to come, me as jackazz in it all.
Nothing gets hashed out.
A scenario that would have MIL to come stay in the yellow bedroom, while SIL flies home to ready her home. Not acceptable to me. Nope. MIL won't even come here for family events, finding it too difficult to navigate here.
A scenario where Dorker gives up her life .. to go stay at MIL's for a few weeks, while SIL readies her home, also not acceptable. I am not too stupid to realize that a few weeks can easily turn into a few months, and then a few years .. while this or that or the other impediment gets ironed out. Nope.
As far as I'm concerned, .. but MO means squat ... MIL can be brought to what SIL or med professionals deem as travel worthy .. and then she and SIL can get on a plane that is a direct flight .. and they will be there in 3 plus a bit .. as to hours .. and if that's the route they are taking, that MIL needs to be living with SIL for a while, and then ultimately a possible ALF on that end, .. then that's how it needs to transpire.
Or .. I will hop on the plane and escort MIL .. or DH can do so ...
I will even (as assinine as it sounds .. and not something that is practical AT ALL) .. we will hop in the car, and make sure precious pooch makes his way there .. so that ... poor MIL doesn't have to also loose her precious baby in it all. And drive the damn 23 hours it takes (not straight of course, .. we'd have to stop some) .. and make sure precious poochy gets to the destination (since MIL will not EVEN entertain any notion of her dog flying, since he'd have to be ck'd with the baggage).
I have said what I'm willing to do as a participant in it all, .. that I will help. And the above describes my version of said help. I might even, if asked, .. help to do some research (haven't been asked) .. as to any setting that they might be interested in. The legwork behind all that, if asked, haven't been asked.
But any scenario that thrusts me into caregiver role, even for a week, is not acceptable to me, .. and I won't go along with it.
But there is no real dialogue ongoing on each other's thoughts/plans, etc. None.
Thus I'm over here with the only thing I've got to go on .. which is the history that has taken place previously .. MIL is nursed back to what SIL deems as appropriate to be left on her own ..and off she goes. I've never seen or heard any other approach that is taking place.
I am the jackazz on my husband's side of the family. There have been several times when FIL got home from the hospital and my MIL was worn down that they have told me i would need to fly out and help take care of him for a few weeks. Use my vacation or take FMLA. I said "NO" and my DH offered to go because he actually had hours he could use, but they declined. Only women can do this. And they refused to hire help. So everytime we visit i hear about the three times FIL needed help and I let MIL wear herself to the bone!!! because i was too selfish to help. I act surprised and say "but i had my own dad to take care of, and your son offered to come out but you said no..... i don't understand why you didn't take him up on it if you were worn to the bone!!!"
Family really has no qualms about telling the women what they will do. I don't mind being the jackazz because caring for my demanding and abusive FIL for a few weeks would have had me homicidal, suicidal or both. Heck - HD and I both get that way hosting him for a weekend.
Here's to the Family JackAZZes!!!!
As to his thoughts on the possibility of a relocation to IL vs here. I think again, that Utopia .. if he could just wave a magic wand .. she'd be in a great setting here, just up the road.
The *Reality* however, is quite different. No, .. I don't think his mom would be attended to by him, .. even in a wonderful setting just up the road. Yes, he would go by periodically .. and visit with her, most definitely (Probably not enough, if you ask MO) .. but he would do so. The other problematic issues that crop up ... he'd be busy with his work, churching, hunting .. and it would go unattended to, and/or it would be directed to his wife (Dorker, me) to see about. That's the *Reality* vs the *Utopia*.
I have never, in all the years that I've known SIL .. 40 plus years ... I've never seen her loose her temper .. ever .......... at anyone .. or anything ... ever. Their dad was the same way, patient to a fault. Never saw him loose his temper, ever. I guess she inherited that trait from her dad (her brother did not, . .he does have a temper).
A great story that defines her .. back many years ago when we were all raising teens .. her included. We'd gone to IL to visit them .. and stay with them. Their daughter, a little older than my kids. Their daughter, .. also a teen ... at that time .. I guess .. she and her mother at it about something. Somewhere she wanted to go with her friends .. and mother balking .. not sure. I guess, as routine in their household (not so much my household) ... the daughter .. who didn't think much of her mom's (SIL's) stance, .. marched out the door anyway, saying to her mom on the way out the door, .. "you're such a B*&CH", and out the door she was .. as SIL shouted back, at her, "Back atcha!".
My daughters, . witness to all this. Their eyes became like saucers .. that an offspring could speak that way to their parent and live to tell about it. That kinda behavior in my household, someone would've been horse collared and not going anywhere, and not for a long long time, for speaking to me in that manner.
Very telling of her . and her approach to anything of any consternation.
I remember asking her at the time .. we'd gone there to visit .. and had gone out to sight see for the day .. and SIL kept dozing off. This was because her teen daughter, in those years .. was keeping her up all hours of the night .. staying out late (she really did grow up in spite of it all, to be a fine upstanding individual ... spoiled and entitled .. but a fine upstanding citizen). Her daughter had been keeping her up all hours of the night staying out late, and of course, as is the case with most moms anywhere, you can't sleep if your kid is out ripping and roaring .. until they come in. She'd not gone to sleep until 3 AM .. when her daughter came in .. and was back up and at it, with us out sight seeing, and kept falling asleep. I remember asking her, .. "don't you institute a curfew?". Answer was that no, not really, all she asks is that her daughter let her know her whereabouts and she does do a good job with that .. and so she really doesn't have a curfew. I remember asking her if she ever puts her daughter on restriction, grounding her. Her answer to that, .. "No not really, hell that's more punishment for me than it is her .. to have to have her underfoot and angry .. and resentful .. no, not really".
Very telling. Saw all this years ago.
Another time, we'd all gone to vacation together at a rented condo on the ocean .. and her daughter (a teen at the time) was sneaking out in the middle of the night to go meet up with some boys she'd met there. This was found out. And so SIL then hatched a plan to leave early .. SIL and family .. and their vacation nixed. I remember telling her at the time, "WTH ............... I'll be damned if I'd let that ruin my vacation that I paid for .. I'd be sleeping right there with her, every night, to assure she doesn't go any where in the middle of the night, .. and she'd have a pretty tight leash as to her whereabouts going forward". Nope, SIL and family left the setting and went on back home .. to MIL's .. nixed the vacation.
And I did, in later years .. when I too found out I had a daughter, sneaking out of her bedroom window nightly .. did what I said above, I slept with her, every night .. and she didn't go anywhere, for quite a while, that her mom wasn't practically leashed to her .. as to her comings and goings.
SIL .. very very very tolerant.
The ONLY time I've ever seen her *correct* her mom .. and yes .. I term it that way on purpose .. because that's how it comes off .. almost as if it's a school teacher correcting a pupil. Her mom, who we all know, has said some cruel things about SIL's husband, had done just that. In his presence. Him sitting right there at the kitchen table, and MIL said something untoward .. about him .. and SIL "corrected" her mother. "Mom he's sitting right there, you can't talk about him like that, that's not nice". Her mom responded, "I'm 80 whatever years old, I can say whatever I want". SIL then ... "No ..no you can't, that's not nice .. you still even if you're 80 something years old, you can't say mean things .. no".
That's as bad as it got.
I guess there is merit in being patient to an absolute fault. I don't know that I could do it. If my mom did the same, I'd likely pull her to the side and tell her we are a package deal, like it or not .. if you can't tolerate my husband, then you will do without me also. And I mean it.
She really really is .. the ultimate enabler, .. patient to a fault .. like no one I've ever seen in my life, .. unless it's her now deceased dad. He was much the same way. If those two individuals possess a gene for any kind of temper .. I've not seen it. Not once.
H has now said several times that she can't live alone, so he appears to have internalized that fact. I think the stage is being set for a sibling showdown, to occur before SIL flies back to IL (which could be a month from now). If H just keeps insisting that MIL cannot live by herself and needs a facility, then SIL's reply will either be to agree or to take MIL to IL or to agree to facility placement in FL. Instead of "in the spring," this move to IL (if that is the agreed-upon course of action) will be imminent (unless SIL plans to spend months at MIL's house, which she may very well agree to). I think H would be very happy to have MIL live in IL with SIL, correct? How often do you think he would take time from working/churching/hunting to go see her?
People can will themselves to continue living, and people can also give up and die. I wonder if MIL will do that when she is forced with the fact that she cannot live alone any longer, and SIL cannot stay with her in FL forever.
(SLEEPS with MIL? Ugh. SIL really is the ultimate enabler, isn't she? Does she ever get short or impatient with her mother? If not, then she really IS cut out to be a caregiver!)
MIL has CHF .. and so she takes Lasix for the edema and Eliquis for the A-fib ..
I don't know .. what would that prognosis be, absent those medications.
And it's really interesting to me. I had mentioned at one point, that MIL says the words, "I really don't want much, I have no appetite" .. as to eating. But if you fix it and put it in front of her, she truly does eat like a horse. That is interesting to me.
So yes, she speaks the words, and I think she truly wishes it .. that she could be gone, to that big cloud in the sky. But she eats .. she eats very good .. has an appetite in fact, in spite of what she verbalizes. And the meds she takes .. not sure how long the course would be if edema took hold and no Lasix to abate that issue .. and/or the A-fib out of control with no meds on board (which I realize, all that does is thin the blood .. in the hopes the A-fib won't cause a stroke).
No, and it's beginning to look as though DH and his sister both are all too willing to put me in the position of being a complete jackazz and the outcast of the family and malcontent and not team player .. when there is another hospitalization and I, the adult in the room, that has been shouting from every roof top . then refuse to be a part of it all ...
Count on it, the gates of hell will open wide .. and it will be ugly .. very very very ugly.
That I would refuse to be any part of it all, sans the involvement behind the scenes talking to any social worker there I can reach .. to let them know she does live alone .. and has no one to care for her, and should not be discharged to go home, alone.
It will be bad, .. and I will be the azz in it all, count on it. It's coming!
I cannot imagine a hospital dxing a patient to home with NO CARE. Those magical words are going to be best thing you can say, next time she falls, gets sick, whatever. She goes to the hospital--you do your utmost to get her in for the full 3 days and THEN when "post hospital care" is mentioned, you shout from the rooftops "She has NO ONE to take care of her." Period. As long as there is one willing adult to say "I've got this" they aren't going to blink an eye, they'll send her home. If you refuse to take her in, and you shouldn't take her to your home, of course, and DH can stand firm (for once) and SIL can't get there fast enough....you might stand a shot at getting her placed.
For someone who wants to die so badly, why is she pursuing a MOHS procedure? Why is she still taking meds and eating? My mother wishes she could die. I pointed out to her that she is 100% in charge of that, right now. If she stopped her insulin & multiple meds and said "I'm done" we'd call Hospice and she'd BE gone in a couple weeks. All her meds are keeping her alive at this point, and it's a miserable, boring, pain filled life.
I posted the analogy of painting the fence that's fallen down..I need to amend that. The fence has fallen down, been blown about by a hurricane and is scattered across 3 states. SIL and DH are hunting down all the pieces and trying to restore the fence...and, they can't. That fence is beyond repair. They just do not get it. So sad, just, so, so sad.
What happens in the event of a hospitalization and they say to the patient, .. it's not safe for you to go home and be alone.
What if the patient basically responds, "Balderdash .. that's precisely what I'm going to do".
They can't detain someone against their will ... can they?
What happens in the event the patient refuses that .. and announces they are going home, period ... what happens?
I did ask DH tonight .. if he would offer again, for his sister to take a weekend break, and him take a shift. He has offered 2 x's previously, offers declined. He said, "she's not going to want me doing it, mom doesn't want me helping to lower her down to the toilet .. sister is having to help with that". I said in response: "She can't even lower herself onto the commode at this point, sister has to do that .. help her with that?". He responded: "yea .. she can't be left alone anymore, .. ".
I asked, "is it a matter that your sister thinks more PT will bring that function back to fruition and she can be left again ... is that the thinking?"
He doesn't know .. said that he has to talk to his sister. That this morning, he found both of them still in bed (same bed, sister sleeps with mom nightly to assist with dog and assist with MIL's needs thru the night). Said it wasn't the time to bring it up .. with both of them laying in the bed just waking up.
I don't know the true scoop . haven't been on site there. But .. I can't believe it's bad enough that MIL can't even lower herself onto the toilet. SIL .. she has a bad back .. and .. this will surely not help that, if the above is actually the true story of the goings on there.
I asked DH .. (me, not the one who always searches out gadgets/devices) .. "do you think your mom would benefit from one of those things that raises the toilet seat higher .. would that help?".
His answer: "She already has an ADA toilet, it's plenty high enough .. she can't be left alone any longer, that's all there is to it".
He then went on to say: "I guess you and I are going to have to load she and her dog up, .. eventually and start out in the car in that direction .. maybe sister needs to fly on home and get her handyman there to begin installing grab bars".
I answered: "Your mom needs to fly there, .. a 3 hour straight flight .. beats the hell out of a 23 hour car trip .. she couldn't withstand that .. one of us will have to fly with her, to escort her .. and I've offered, your sister knows I will help if that's what's needed, .. and then someone else is going to have make that long car trip .. with dog in tow .. (MIL won't let the dog fly because he has to be ck'd with baggage .. as he's too big to fly in the cabin with the passengers.. and he is a small dog, but he's too big).
He only said, "me and sister have got to talk".
I asked, "is your sister's thought that she'll nurse your mom along, and leave her again".
He responded: "PROBABLY knowing her, but she can't be left alone anymore".
He is now gone to a function at church ..
I know how all this goes .. he could've very easily foregone any church doings tonight, and put in a call to his sister .. a call that would be met with, "Oh let me call you back, I've gotta get the dog situated here, and I'm trying to get some dinner together here for mother". So then .. he'd wait for the call back .. and it would come .. but likely nothing would be accomplished .. she would call back and there'd be more hedging and himming and hawing .. and no answers. And nobody takes the bull by the horns here.
He has, to answer the questions .. he has stayed and done night duty in the past in times of crises and yes, .. had to get up and let dog out .. and get up and administer meds at night .. and or help her to the bathroom (I don't think she's been this bad off, in his care, that she can't even lower herself onto the potty). Yes, he's done that. I've done day duty .. and he clocks in at night ..
And as to the other question that was asked, as to what happens when SIL hits the wall, .. will she reach out for a lifeline .. what will she do.
I don't think it's been this bad before ...
Yes, SIL has been here numerous times that there has been a crises that needs nursing along .. for weeks .. and she's done it .. to it's fruition .. and leaving her mom, in what she would call "stable" circumstances, .. various healthcare practitioners assigned (PT, OT, visiting nurse, etc) .. and she's off on the plane and gone.
I would beg to differ that what she deems as "stable" and what I deem as stable, are two different things.
Will she reach a saturation .. since it's so bad this time .. I don't know. I don't know the answer to that. I would've already .. but she obviously has not. DH offers to go over and take a shift and it gets declined.
I think of the one time she was here, to nurse her mom through some marked diahrea that was unexplained .. and no basis for it, that we knew of .. docs wanting her hospitalized .. and MIL refusing .. and SIL trying everything short of standing on her head, diet restrictions, fluids .. OTC meds .. you name it .. for weeks this went on .. and taking stools samples in .. to the doc for testing .. all in a valiant effort to honor her mom's wishes, not to be hospitalized.
At that point, she was .. beyond going another step .. it had taken a toll on her. The only thing that changed it was finding her mom not responsive, slumped over in a chair .. and so EMS was summoned, and a trip to the outpatient ER .. and there .. an hospital stay was in order, against MIL's wishes. But SIL stayed with her around the clock there at the hospital.
So I don't know where her saturation point is, if she even has one.
Yes, if her husband should experience a health emergency of his own on that end, him home now, . .in IL .. that would upend everything here on this end.
And just what is it they propose would be done with MIL? I guess, they delude themselves that Dorker will step in as she flies off to see about her husband.
All these *what if's* and the spiral out of control as to the worry.
I resent it that I have to be put in the position of even concerning myself with it all, when I have clearly said, my time here is done .. and I'm not clocking in, yet nothing changes as to their mom's care. And I have said as much, that I resent it.
Nothing changes.
What a foolish pair of siblings, not to have done any research.
IT IS NOT REASONABLE for an 88 year old woman to expect not one, not two, but THREE people to throw years of their lives away on her "care" (or rather, her dog's care...) just because she MIGHT "feel bad" if she has to leave her house, or because some unknown random person decades from now might say to you, "See?! Your MIL knew what she was talking about!" No. Just no!
Your MIL's demands are NOT reasonable, your SIL's response is NOT reasonable, and your DH needs to get on the same page because we are looking at a HUGE crash in the not too distant future. I'm sure he feels awful watching her. HE IS TOO CLOSE TO THE PROBLEM. She needs to have reasonable care staff who aren't going to say things like, "Oh, she wishes the good lord would take her, we have to bend over backward for every little thing she wants."
From the age of twelve, I heard my grandma talking about how she wanted God to take her, she wanted to go "home with (grandpa)", etc etc etc. When would she say this? When she wanted attention/people to fuss over her. I learned VERY quickly to ignore it or say "Oh, I'm sorry" or something noncommittal. She WANTED people to flip out and ask her how they could possibly make her horrible life better. (And my mother is doing it now, too...)
Just remember, your MIL is physically frail but she is still manipulative. This is a woman who has been nasty to the entire family, right down to innocent little kids!
Dorker, keep us updated. There is going to be a lot of doctoring in the next few weeks, correct?
(And I hope there isn't a medical crisis with SIL's H when he is on his own for these coming weeks!)
And the 5x/night is the norm. Of course SIL is exhausted! Seems like she will be doing this with no respite for the rest of the month, what with the continued recovery and then the added recovery from the MOHs procedure. SIL's immunities will be worn down, and she could come down with something.
And H will still be working and churching and hunting, I bet! Or will SIL eventually accept his offer to help? (I assume he will offer to do an overnight?)
DH was there this morning early for some toilet repair on their end. Said he found them all in the bed still (8 AM) .. that's not typical .. they'd usually be up at that hour. Said they'd been up 5 x's last night .. toileting .. dog and MIL. Said his sister is worn out. I don't doubt it. Not a bit.
He said his mom, I guess he sat and talked to her momentarily before leaving for work, .. and said her words (words she always says) "I'm so ready to go .. every morning when my eyes open I ask the Lord why I'm still here, I'm so ready to go".
I asked DH again (why bother asking, I don't know) .. "what are you and your sister going to do about it all?, .. I can't do what your sister is doing with this round the clock care, neither can you, what are your plans".
Answer: "it's so sad .. it's all just so sad .. she's so ready to go .. and doesn't want to be here anymore".
That's the answer I got .. but then he had to leave for work, had only stopped back through here momentarily for something and so that was the extent of any conversation on it all.
I find it all so frustrating. So heartbreaking ..
MIL who doesn't even want to be here, staring down the barrel of having to make some life changes, drastic changes in her setting .. changes she never wanted to live long enough to see. (If they ever come to the conclusion to do so .. and that remains to be seen).
But on the other hand, so very frustrating. She is not as bad off as some I read about here on this board. She is not absolutely bed ridden .. as some are .. she can still feed herself, by using a fork and her hand .. as some cannot .. she is better off than "some" .. she is better off in that there are those who are elderly who have no one .. their offspring far too busy and uncaring and aloof to give a rat's behind what's going on with their elderly parent.
So very frustrating from that aspect ....
I wish it could be different, for all involved. I wish, for her, that the Good Lord had seen fit to take her before her life became the situation it presently is. For whatever reason(s) that hasn't happened. And so she is staring down the barrel of a life so compromised that living alone . her most fervent wish .. is likely to be taken from her .. and changes will have to take place.
But darnit .. it could be a lot worse. And I hate saying that, because it's easy to point the finger at me, at 50 some odd years old, and say "easy for you to say .. you aren't the one having to up and leave your home and become someone's burden to deal with".
My only answer to that, .. "if I live long enough I will be staring down that barrel myself, and I can only know .. and I do know it .. I will not be the stubborn old cuss she's being causing all this anguish to those around her". And I won't.
How sad that DH has to hear that every time he's in her presence anymore, I presume SIL also hears it, but I don't know. "I don't want to be here anymore, why won't the Good Lord come get me". How sad. It makes him very sad for the whole thing .. sad that his mom has become so infirm that it's a life she doesn't want to live any longer .. but has no choice, as she's still here. Sad .. that he too will have to face making some tough choices that she won't like. Sad that her waning days on this planet are to be spent in being uprooted .. from a life she so wanted to live out in her home. Just sad.
I didn't tell him, and maybe I should . she could be writhing in pain from some horrible cancer sans the dose of morphine that can be administered periodically .. it could be a LOT LOT worse.
But then you hate saying those words .. because the finger can be pointed right back at ya .. with the whole, "Easy for you to say .. you aren't staring down the barrel she is, .. you are young and healthy .. you may not feel that way if you live to be 88 and have the problems she has .. ".
Nobody has said that to me, those words, but those words do play out in my head .. and I very much realize .. the finger can be pointed right back at the person who tries to say "it aint that hard folks, get with it".
I'm glad you are keeping busy, focusing on your family while this unfolds. The thing to remember, as you are, is that you had done this hamster wheel for years. The facts are not that Dorker "doesn't want to" because she is selfish and unfeeling. The facts are that Dorker "can no longer provide the level of care MIL needs. She requires 24/7 care and that is not able to be provided in the yellow room".
By staying out of it - you are keeping up the pressure on SIL who will at some point have to cry "uncle" and find another alternative. What has she decided for BIL? Thanks
I never heard anything beyond that point. I know that SIL .. at that time, .. struggling from afar, .. as to how to get her mom to and fro doc appts .. and enlisting YD on this end .. *some* .. but YD works and so is limited as to any availability to do that task .. and .. the housekeeper also pressed into service. But see above.
I'm sure she still comes and cleans or I'd of heard otherwise. But she does the mopping, vacuuming, cleaning the bathrooms, change the bed linens .. etc etc. She isn't there daily, to do the dishes after each meal, and throw in the laundry .. and the errands that SIL can conjure up with her endless rabbit holes. I'm sure she's grateful she isn't there *every day*, or SIL would press her into service.
And yes, MIL does have a couple of neighbors there. They have offered, in the past, .. *to help*. I'm sure, as any good neighbor, . or I might do .. I wouldn't mind picking up something at the pharmacy, or the hardware store, or the grocery store, ... every once in a while .. or maybe if the dog has gotten out, go in search of .. or any number of other things a neighbor might assist with.
I don't think any of the neighbors ever intended to be pressed into .. weekly errands and whatnot, inclusive of numerous doc visits. Last I heard on that front, SIL was going to approach one of the neighbors as to transport for a doc visit and MIL had a fit .. and told her to NOT BOTHER THE NEIGHBORS .. that she'd be fine, she'd manage on her own, LEAVE THEM ALONE AND DON'T BOTHER THEM.
So .. anyone else that might help .. with all there is to do and see to, .. not really in existence, . .not in the end.
SIL is the only one on the face of the planet that I know of that will work herself to an early grave .. like a slave ... around the clock on this whole thing.
I feel for her, she is so very diligent and so thorough (too thorough). And she is working like a dog. I'm sure she'd be so relieved if Dorker would step back in and be the step n fetch in it all, ...
But I wholeheartedly disagree with the approach being taken. And has been said so many times here. I can't change them .. and their thinking, I can only change me. And that change has taken place. So I won't be stepping to the forefront to lead the charge .. or to even assist in it. And if SIL wants to continue to work like an absolute slave in all of this, .. and she is, make no mistake about it, .. she is .... then go for it. Knock yourself out.
Hate it for her, but it's certainly her choice. She has other choices, she chooses not to avail herself of, for whatever her reasons.
Yes, SIL has postponed doing anything because in the end she really hoped that either MIL would go to the cloud OR an event would happen that made it impossible to move MIL to her home. So much easier to blast in for 2-3 weeks 1-2 times per year than the DAILY GRIND of caregiving. About the thoughts? Prairie Dog Thoughts, I read description in a book once. The thoughts pop up under your nose without warning. Your brain reminding you that it was a shared decent relationship that slowly declined - that SIL was the preferred person - that SIL's refusal to see is the reason she is the one now bearing the burden of decisions about long term care. You didn't expect SIL to plan for your daughter's help for the twins and 4 year old - or to participate in support. When she is in town, SIL doesn't take care of your grandchildren or children or your mother or father in crisis mode. You've done your part and propped up the situation for a long time so that DH could be the overworked businessman, big man on church campus or famous hunter. I don't agree that DH behavior is avoiding pain from his mother. I have a husband that is a good man with manipulative parents that gladly has me do the paperwork of his life, do the majority of child-rearing of a disabled child, arrange events and gifts, and loves to go work on cars with his brother rather than house chores. He also works very hard 50-60 hour weeks and makes most of the household income in exchange. My in-laws are the ones that really thought they could maneuver us into caregiving as they declined - and my husband kept saying "how high should my wife jump". I've shut that down, but I did the same thing for a long time filling in the gap. It's hard to make people understand that you are not here to take care of their responsibilities long term. DH and SIL are the ones that have to make choices, and it sounds like MIL is still up to her old tricks with the shower bench, etc. No one is looking for assisted living between food prep and potty breaks, and no one will. Fill up the yellow bedroom with stuff that would have to be moved and leave no room for guests for the next month - it will happen soon - surgery etc.
I think, for him .. and maybe his sister .. I guess .. in their views, at least in my observation .. this is a can that can be kicked down the road indefinitely in the hope that their dear mom will pass before any hard decisions have to be made. Uprooting their mom, .. when they know know know it .... is not what she wants .... a hard decision, they'd rather kick the can down the road. I think that's the assessment of both of them. They "hope" (don't we all) .. that her wish can be granted, that big cloud in the sky comes to get her .. and all of the messiness of the whole thing .. can be avoided for all involved.
The likelihood of that happening, .. not real high .. but that doesn't seem to dawn on either of them .. the two who need to sit down and have some earnest discussion and plans being made.
I really dislike it when the thoughts I was having yesterday implant themselves in my psyche. Why that happens, I don't know. Why does our brain take us to such unpleasantness. I chose to make a concerted effort to remember instead, the fact that she was the best of the best grandma's to my daughters, in their younger years. She really really was. Having tea parties with them, in the floor .. and watching them for me .. and spending quality time with them .. going on hikes, taking them to the tennis court to bat balls around, taking them for day trips to the beach ..camping, .. you name it, for years .. she thoroughly enjoyed our daughters. And they her, for a long time.
So why those thoughts invade my brain space, is beyond me. I don't wish it to be that way.
It was only in the later years .. when her health began to be an issue .. that she would pick and choose her participation .. and our daughters .. left with the short end of the stick a number of times, as to any participation on her part. But .. all of it, also .. to cement .. my feeling that she has had a lot of support for a long time .. in me ... to help prop up her wish to remain in her home, and she did ... a lot .... and that the stories that invade my brain .. are further proof that she has been compromised for quite some time .. but for a lot of that time .. she had me propping things up ... that is no longer the case, and won't be.
I think, as another poster pointed out, that was .. the other day .. with SIL and her worry/pondering over her mom's upcoming MOHS procedure .. and the worry there, .. that will sideline her mom (stitches in her leg) .. and the recoop from that, pondering whether to send her husband on home as per the reservation for tomorrow .. I think the other poster was accurate, .. a fishing expedition on SIL's behalf.
I have heard little from her since, if anything. She may have been attempting to put some feelers out, as to whether she could even ponder the thought of leaving her mom in the coming weeks, .. and what kinda support would be in place in her absence. She didn't get much from me, other than an empathetic ear and some *in your face* reality as to the tough decisions ahead. A reminder to her, .. literally, in my words, .. as she anguished over the plight at present, .. her mom's frail condition .. and her weighing .. send her husband to be home alone, or leave her mom, at home alone .. and my words to her, "I guess these are the ramifications of having allowed MIL the continued latitude for so long, that she will manage, she'll be fine .. she hasn't been fine .. for a long time ... and I've said it and said it".
Yes, there's a part of me, I'm human .. that kinda feels like, "in your face! ... deal with it, these are the results you get when you continue to allow this latitude .. now you're there .. working around the clock ... trying to nurse her back to health and having to weigh what to do going forward as to your mom's care, vs your husband's care .... so .. yea .. in your face, live it/breath it/wear it/be it, it's what you asked for (inadvertently)".
DH ... in his defense .. did .. the last time MIL was hospitalized, .. he went there, in conversation with his mom, that some tough decisions need to be looked at. What he got from his mom was pretty much banished from her hospital room, with admonishment that she doesn't NEED him making decisions for her, that she will be fine .. she will manage, and that if he thinks she is going to stand by like some village idiot and let him dictate what goes on, he's got another thing coming".
Now rather than SIL .. maybe chime in WITH her brother at that time .. SIL did the opposite. She chalked it all .. hung it all .. all of it .. on the UTI .. and that if we nurse her back to health .. she will be fine, she will manage. And she even went so far as to chime in WITH her mother, .. her mother who had shared with a niece, . at that time .. that her son (DH) had been unkind to her, and been harsh with her, .. and saying that some decisions need to be made, and that she told him what for .. that he'd been mean to her .. she told SIL this .. as well as the niece .. and the niece related this to us .. outside of MIL's ear (niece knowing full well that DH and his sister both need to step up here and make some decisions) .. and that SIL even said the same thing, .. that her brother had been unkind to her and harsh with her.
So .. yea .. in your face then .. and don't come this way looking for feelers on what I may or may not be doing as to support in all of it.
Sounds like SIL is indeed putting her husband on the plane to return to their home tomorrow, so it will now be all on her, .. as she'd weighed in conversation with me, as she weighed whether to keep him here, at least he helps with the dishes, errands, laundry, etc. and her lamenting that if he goes back to their home, it will ALL be on her.
That's what used to be the case here when a calamity would befall the whole situation .. and I would be on the front there. DH would come do night duty and spend the night and relieve me .. but I'd be there during the day .. for ALL of it .. and somehow managing my own life also .. here, or trying to. But she's fine, she will manage.
Thus I stepped out .. and status quo continues .. even all these months later. And so SIL on a fishing expedition (perhaps) to see what kinda support remains .. in the event she nurses her back to at least leaving before the MOHS procedure.
None, .. your brother still works for a living .. and can't be there .. and I won't be there .. so .. in the end, .. none.
Maybe it's not so much about him shirking his duties, but he's actually created boundaries with her, in that he *will not* hands on do a darn thing for her. Boy, that's what I'd do after she insulted my kids over and over. He relied on you, Dorker, to make him look like he was the devoted son because of his internal conflict between being mamas boy and being a real man. He allows sister to do everything because she's always been the favorite, so now she can *pay* for being favorite. I like that notion!
How about we start looking at DH's (in)actions as defensive instead of ignorant? Let's support him by encouraging mil to move in with SIL up north so he no longer has to deal with his pita mother. Both his and Dorker's problems will be solved.
My MIL is the same. She can never, and I mean NEVER be to anything of my kids'. She has not been a part of their lives, really, and while that hurt ME, b/c she opted to be practically living with her daughter & her family--she ignored my kids. Consequently, they have no real feelings for her, and she has no clue as to who out 13 g-kids are. She literally does not even know their names. I don't know if it's worse when she sees one and says "Who are YOU?" or fumbles around trying to remember their name. "Averly? Everest? Amberly" Who IS this child?" (Avery, and no it's not just a boy's name, thank you for pointing that out to her).
All we can do is take a deep breath and try to let ALL these little ( and not so little ) slights go. I don't do that very easily. My DH is also a master of the No-shot regime. He is so no interested in her, her health, anything. I'm pretty sure he's been written out of her will simply for marrying me. Oh well.
One kind of funny thing, hope you can enjoy the humor: at Christmas, for about the past 20 years, she simply hands my DH an envelope, a Christmas card with money in it. Sometimes it's addressed to me also, but usually just to him. He opens it and sticks whatever money was in the card in his wallet and I never see it.
This year, she just gave him an envelope that the bank sticks your money in when they give you cash through the drive-thru. Super sweet and thoughtful! He was at our neighbor's doing some work on the garage and I saw the envelope peeking out of his pocket. I said "Oh, hey do you want me to take that home, you're going to lose it in here." He pulled the envelope out and my neighbor saw it and said "Hey--did she give you money?" I laughed and said, "No, it's for B, not me." DH said. "stop being a stinker, just open it and put the cash in my wallet." I opened the envelope....and it was empty. I had been telling my neighbor how much my MIL dislikes me and this was like perfect stage timing--DH and he both seeing at the same time that yes, the envelope was empty.
I'm pretty sure she didn't mean to do that, but we got a laugh that was worth $100.
We cannot change these toxic people. We can only change us, and that's hard enough to do. I'm failing at it, but keep trying to not be hurt and frustrated by aging mothers who will probably outlive us and drive us insane on the way.