I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Dorker, à propos, while we're doing our threat assessment, and seeing as there's a lovely young lady newly arrived on another thread who's facing just this scenario...
What if God forbid something happens to SIL? Nobody can allow herself to be indispensable.
If DH is thinking that mother would be fine if SIL weren't creating so much turbulence - oh yeah? What's a little vascular dementia and heart disease between friends, hm? - perhaps he might like to consider where he'd be if SIL were "hors de combat" for any significant length of time.
God forbid, again. But I do wish he'd stop seeing himself as a helpless bystander and get, well, a bit masterful with his womenfolk*, perhaps. Are we even allowed to *think* that nowadays???
*Not you, obviously. Goes without saying. Don't even try it.
It is *monumentally* frustrating for you. But you have urged. You have advised. You have warned, alerted, suggested. In short you have already done all that you can, far more than you reasonably could have been expected to, and what happens next you can only sympathise with.
It's a tribute to your long-established fondness for your in-laws that you do still care, which of course is why it is still so frustrating.
[Strangled scream]
I just don't know what there is left to wish for. Obviously nobody *wants* MIL to die, but one can be forgiven for thinking that if SIL were to go into her bedroom one morning soon and find that a stroke had carried her gently away in the night... God forbid, obviously, I take the thought back. But what's a *good* outcome here?
Do you think that might be a question to put to DH, to concentrate his mind a bit? "What would be a good outcome to all this?" Get him to think of something to aim at.
That's what happened the last time, this past summer, when he suffered a small stroke on their end, at their home in IL, and was hospitalized.
And yes, .. it's going to be the same elder-care, in IL, as it is here, 24/7. But that too, is within SIL's choices.
She puts voice to (but no action) that she wants to get her mom to her home, .. (in March ...????......) .. and from there, .. at some point, an ALF. Her mother, would need to establish residency in that state to qualify for Medicaid dollars. SIL's assertion is that any ALF placement, she wants it to be closer to her, so she can keep a finger on the pulse of the goings on, and be a part of her mom's well being.
If her mom were placed here, she'd still need to be flying down here, routinely, to do the above. Thus, it's her assertion that she wants her mom up near her, and that is to commence (so it's said .. but nothing gets talked about, no action taken) with a transport to her home, in IL, and then from there, .. at some point, I suppose, an ALF if necessary.
So yes, SIL will still be on the hamster wheel of elder/dog care .. just in her own home, rather than here. Obviously, it's no cake walk, to be here doing all she's doing for her mom, .. and the dog .. and her home 1K miles away with the bills that need to be paid (can be done online) .. or various items that home ownership entails, and her 1K miles away here attending to her mom.
I do feel for SIL. And the argument, *what was she to do, tie her mom to a chair and coerce out of her a plan".
Obviously no .. but in a room full of mature adults that can reason .. it's my assessment, that some dialogue, some honest dialogue should've transpired .. particularly/specifically coming from her lips, .. as she is the one that runs this 3 ring circus. She's the one that has taken this thing .. and flies in here when her mom is ailing and is on the front at doc visits, coordinating specialties and incoming PT, OT, etc.
For a long long time, I was here, and in me, she had a set of legs and eyes and ears, and some helping hands. When I began to make some noise and pushback on it all, .. she should've *listened* and heeded .. and she didn't. In fact, deflected, was far too busy, etc., at requests to *let's sit down and talk about some of this*.
In a room full of mature reasonable adults, .. there should've been some stearn discussion on the topic. And long since, that should've occured. It hasn't.
Look no further, when MIL was hospitalized this past summer, ... DH tried to appraoch that topic with his mother, in her hospital room, and he was summarily dismissed by his mother, with some anger and hostility that she will not sit idly by and let him "make decisions" on her behalf like she's some village idiot. That she knows what she needs to do and she'll do it.
(but she doesn't, she can't)
His sister had every opportunity at that juncture, to weigh in, on the side of her brother .. and maybe the both of them .. come up against their mother, that this current setting is not sustainable and begin that discussion.
SIL chose not to, .. she chose to side with her mother, that DH had been in there, and been harsh with her .. and that she will be fine .. she just has a UTI .. those are treatable, blah blah blah.
Somewhere in all of this, is the bed SIL is making for herself. And all the side anguish that I feel, is unnecessary. Have to get back to that point.
SIL is making this bed for herself ... in her refusal to sit up and see the light shining brightly on what is the situation and it's reality. Further, she is .. in her refusal to sit up and take notice/action .. she is lessening the options that will be available.
She finds it important (honorable of her) that her mother be close to her .. that in the event an ALF become a necessity, that ALF be located near her, in IL. Well that window is closing, and I've said so (but of course, my words, I'd do better to go talk to the brick wall outside). The window is closing on MIL's ability to be transported anywhere. She doesn't stay well/strong, long enough.
As is the case with a lot of the elderly/infirm .. I'm guessing, any illness/malady, pretty much sidelines them, and for weeks. For me, a case of the flu or a stomach ailment, .. I might be okay in a few days and back at it. Not so for MIL. The above minor affliction, can sideline her for weeks, if not worse, .. resulting in a fall ... and then PT and OT, and so forth all coming forth, for weeks.
The above is what is the case, with MIL. It's one thing or another, that then sidelines her, for weeks. Only for things to settle back to the normal compromised state of being, til the next calamity. And this goes on and on.
MIL .. where in there ...???...where was her well being such that she could've then been transported to SIL's in IL? That window is closing.
She will be, .. I guess, .. in the end, ... hospitalized for whatever the next issue is .. and if I have anything to say about it (though I don't know that it'll be possible) that all important "inpatient" label will be slapped on it, .. and from there a stint in Rehab .. and hopefully .. from there, .. a placement. But that would be "here" in this locale, not in SIL's neighborhood. SIL will then find herself having to travel back and forth .. something she has said she'd rather not have to do .. she'd rather have her mom close to her.
The window on that availability is closing.
I asked DH again last night, "what do you hear from your sister as to your mom's situation?".
His answer: "I haven't talked to her, I guess I need to go by there and visit with them".
My response: "I talked to her the other day and she said the PCP is pleased with her recovery .. sounds to me like she's still on the page to nurse your mom to health and leave her".
His response to that: "Well if that's what she does, then so be it .. and until the next fall or whatever, .. and then we just get that inpatient label on it all, .. and a stay in a Rehab facility".
My response to that; "You act like it's just a matter of checking which box you'd like on a form, it's not that simple, .. from what I heard .. this last stint in the hospital that *inpatient* label wasn't possible .. she was warned by the hospitalist there, .. she needs a safer setting .. what are you and your sister doing about it".
His answer: "I haven't heard anything, the two of them are out there, just clinging to survival that's all I know .. SIL is doing all she can at this point just to keep the situation stable .. that's all I know".
I dropped it. Why bother.
Where is he today .. he has gone hunting.
And in his defense .. if he needs any ... yes, he could've gotten up this morning and gone over to his mom's house .. and maybe sat and visited with them, and waited for an opportune time to sit and talk with his sister on all this .. only to hear her with the words she cites routinely, "She's doing well, I really don't think we need to uproot her and try to transport her anywhere .. she's going to be fine .. we've gotten her, via PT and such .. she is ambulating better at this point, I think she'll be okay".
So what would be the point in him even trying. If SIL, who it appears drives this train .. isn't on that page .. and supportive of any further setting other than the status quo .. what would be the point in even trying to talk to her about it.
So in all of that, somewhere in it all, for me and my own psyche .. is the realization .. that she drives this train .. it's her's to decide, .. obviously .. and whatever she finds tenable, is what shall be. So be it.
And it's going to, obviously, in the end, .. come down to Dorker being a complete UNHELPFUL PITA .. and the malcontent and not team player .. and poor poor pitiful MIL if only Dorker would step up to the plate, .. now look at the mess, .. poor poor pitiful mother .. now she needs to be put somewhere that she's so unhappy and if Dorker would only step up, but Dorker is cruel and uncaring.
That's what will be the ultimate showdown in all of this, in the end. Dorker's refusal to open up the yellow bedroom for welcoming her .. and my 24/7 care-giving hat. That's where this is all heading.
And let's not forget, MIL won't even come here for family events anymore .. finding it too hard to navigate here. Let's don't forget when she did stay here, the last two times ... (1 because her heat quit working at her home, last winter) and the other for the hurricane) .. both times, she slid off the edge of the bed .. striking her head on the bedrail .. citing that the bed here .. is too soft, not firm enough.
Yes there are things that should've been said and done .. and they continue, left undone. It will come down to the nastiest of showdowns .. that's where this is all going in the end. The writing is on the wall.
Eventually, of course, MIL will move beyond that, as indeed will we all. Then, I'm afraid, she will get what she's given because there won't be anything else on offer. Too bad.
I agree that Dorker is wise to keep her guard up; I actually think DH is doing that too in his own way. He's still huntin', workin' and churchin' every hour at least partly as a way of avoiding sitting with his mother; he doesn't want his life upended even more than Dorker doesn't.
But I really don't understand why everyone's shooting at SIL. What was she supposed to DO about her mother's intransigence? Midkid, you know exactly how difficult it is to get someone moving on this, you even spell it out - shoved, cajoled, practically forced. And most of the time SIL isn't in the neighbourhood, and when it came to shoving and cajoling she preferred to rescue instead. It's a valid approach, just a rather masochistic one if you ask me.
Crunch time is coming, Dorker will keep out of it, and what happens, happens. It's better to hope that it isn't a total car crash than cheerfully predict bloodshed.
Really--the craziness of the denial in play here is almost unbearable. ONE person causing all this kerfuffle.
And yeah, March is really coming up fast. SIL should have a place situated for MIL already, not saying "oh, in March we'll do this and such". In March, nothing will be different, MIL will be worse, after the MOHS procedure (they have her BACK on Lasik to reduce edema she's supposed to be controlling daily??) What if the 29th comes and her leg is way too swollen to perform the surgery? SIL hangs around for a few more weeks?
Is there NOT one single adult presence in these people's lives that they WOULD listen to? Obviously, not Dorker, but somebody? A pastor? A neighbor? A Doctor? (anything my mom hears from a dr is like super-truth).
As always, Dorker, hang tough. I really think DH and SIL are planning that you'll cave. Pack that bag and leave it out where DH can see it.
But, as time went on - the needs grew more than the back of Dorker could continue to support. She handled it all like an adult - no tantrums just "MIL needs more help" and she calmly stepped out of it.
And we watch the hamster wheel of SIL keep running and DH keep avoiding. Do any of them wonder how things will be different if MIL lives with SIL? This hamster wheel of elder care will just be relocated not reduced or changed. MIL still won't be able to move much with out help. She will still need all of the services (doctor visits, dog food, etc) that she does now. Sad really.
Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter what the decision (or non-decision) is, doesn't matter what the excuses are. Because they won't require you, and - yes, be appreciative that there hasn't been any kind of unreasonable recrimination thrown at you, by all means, BUT - the reason you won't be involved is that you have rightly, sensibly, moderately drawn a clear line. You didn't stamp or scream or tip soup over anybody's head. You just started saying "no" to stupid ideas and stayed firm. You are a lesson in How It's Done, and I hope you are very, very proud of yourself.
MIL, meanwhile, is a lesson in what choices you have left when you've refused to make any choices. Having said that... I'm not sure that matters so very much, in the scale of things, either. She wouldn't pick any of the options because she didn't like any of them. Will she be any unhappier with what's left? Dunno - how do we measure it?
SIL will have to do her best, that's all, until MIL runs out of road. Well, that too is the choice of a consenting adult. So, okay.
I mean. Suppose DH and SIL had, one Sunday, tied MIL to a chair, shone lights in her face and refused to let her go until she had signed a springing DPOA and agreed to a care plan in principle? Which of them would be happier than they currently are? MIL isn't incompetent, so she'd still be (not) making decisions, and the care plan would be gathering dust.
I could hear your teeth grinding as you recalled all that - well, what else do you call it? - sheer bloody *work* you did to keep MIL - HA! - so "fiercely independent." Oh my goodness yes, how much irony do you take in your black comedy? But it wasn't a waste, you know. Lots and lots of good karma. And don't forget, in spite of everything, you and MIL go back a long way and you ARE family. You played a blinder for her, and again that is something you should be very proud of.
So. Here we are, and enough has been enough.
By the way. I don't often actually pray, not as in thoughtfully pray. But last night I happened to be outside late staring at - possibly the plough. Orion? Astronomy not my strong suit. Anyway it was quite twinkly - stars, and I did offer one up, for MIL to have happen whatever will really be best for her.
It'll all come out in the wash. You'll all get there.
Quite sure it can be corralled by 1/29 .. the edema..... not sure of the motivation to get it done sooner if that's possible. Maybe that's so that SIL can nurse her from that ailment and find her suitable to be left alone again ..????....or maybe so that SIL can nurse her from that ailment, and then .. make plans to take her to IL with her .. I really don't know the answer to that.
It hasn't been talked about, to my knowledge. As I said, DH on the treadmill of life .. working/churching/hunting .. and nothing gets discussed. He offers to go relieve SIL and it gets declined. SIL .. on the hamster wheel of nursing MIL along, as well as phone calls, .. to docs, .. and/or specialties coming and going .. and whatever else she does that keeps her running full tilt on the hamster wheel. Nothing gets discussed in the interim.
I would presume, what will happen, absent any awareness that there's been dialogue on it all. MIL will, once again, be left on her own .. having been nursed back to health (subjective term). Until the next calamity befalls the situation.
That's been the history .. and there's no reason to believe that the future, will be any different.
Not to hash out old grievances here, because it's pointless .. but that's what got the cart rolling with all this some time ago. SIL would nurse MIL along .. from whatever the latest calamity was, .. and off she'd go, .. both of them, she and her mom with the "I'm fine, now I don't need any help here, now I'll be fine, don't you guys go sending anyone over here, I'm fine", and SIL with the, "Well she is managing, she's doing well".
This was beginning the cart rolling on my sentiments on it all a couple of years or more ago. Then SIL would get on the plane and be gone. And directives coming from afar:
"Can you get mother to the doc for her B12 shot".
"Can you take mother for her lab work"
"Can you run by and pick up her specialty treats for her dog".
"Can you go get her vegetarian dog food for her dog"
"Can you stop by the grocery and pick up __________ and _________ for mother"
"Mother doesn't seem to be feeling well, I think she needs to see the doctor, are you available to take her"
"Can you go take mother to her doctor appointment on such and such date, .. I think she needs to talk to them about so and so, and sometimes I don't think she's able to clearly articulate what needs discussion".
"Can you take mother for her shots in her knees, that's an awfully hard area of town for her to get around".
On and on and on it went .. and in between, if any hiccup occured, .. such as a virus, or a sore throat .. or whatever. then it was all hands on deck, .. attending to her.
I jumped to the beat of the above .. and more, for a long while, but began to grow weary of it, and then began asking, "I thought everyone here is on the page that she's fine .. why does she need all this assistance if she's fine .. if she needs someone attending to all the above, then she's not fine .. she needs more help than I can give".
Began tooting that horn .. some time back. All the while growing more and more weary and feeling as though "I'm not being heard here". As she'd come in town again, to see to whatever .. and waltz off again .. and more directives flying in my ear, from afar.
All the while, my outcries, growing louder and louder, "why all this need for help .. if she's fine .. to be left alone .. then .. she needs to be managing the above, .. if she can't, .. then she needs more help than I can provide alone"
This is what started the cart rolling downhill faster and faster, as to my exit from the whole thing.
All, culminating in the pregnancy of DD with twins .. and her needing my presence, more and more, as to the care of the 4 yo and/or help for DD .. and the upcoming birth of twins.
It was about that time, that I really dug in my heels and tried to get the parties above, to realize .. we need more help here .. can we not enlist the help of some neighbors on some things .. neighbors who have been so kind to offer to help in some way .. or maybe some of our church folks, fully aware of the situation .. can we not enlist some help outside of just me .. I can't keep doing all this .. not and manage my own life and help my daughter .. who is heavily pregnant with twins and needing my help routinely .. I can't keep doing it".
That was met with .. a stearn .. MIL with her finger pointed, "Now I will be fine . you all needn't worry about me .. don't you send anyone in here, .. I don't want your church people coming this way .. I don't need you all bothering my neighbors .. now I will be fine, I know what I need to do here, and I'll do it".
And SIL with her: "Well she really . she manages .. I mean .. she does okay .. she falls off the rails sometimes and I have to come .. but other than that, she manages".
Me over here with the: "Then why are you constantly blowing up my phone with need, .. she needs this .. she needs that .. I can't keep doing it, that's what I'm saying .. I have enough on my plate here .. she needs more help than I alone can continue to provide".
SIL waltzing off yet again, on the plane with the "I know, she's so stubborn, I don't know what to do with her .. ".
There you have it. Until I finally got to my saturation point in it all ...
Nothing has changed as to MIL's capabilities, in fact, there have been numerous maladies along the way rendering the situation even more dire in my view. And my having exited the scene.
There were no harsh words, there wasn't any big blow up .. I just merely announced that I cannot keep doing this, if she's fine to be left alone, then she will have to manage ..
And the result has been SIL patchingwork, piece mealing .. together, from afar .. as best she can.. assistance for her mom. Absent my part in it all.
The only thing that has changed, is that my phone is no longer blown up on a daily basis of the latest need du jour. And for that, I am appreciative.
Every once in a while I think there's a line of bait dropped . in SIL's lamentations of how hard this is to manage .. and so forth ..
I think it's a line of bait being dropped in my direction to see if I'll bite the hook and offer to help.
I don't offer.
My feeling then, and now .. if she is managing on her own .. which is the latitude allowed by her daughter and her son .. then she can do so .... (apparently I'm just a few bricks short of a load .. and the problem is mine .. that I don't see her as able to manage).
If she needs all this help that you are now lamenting that you have a hard time managing for her, then why do you continue to leave her in her own home?
And I have said as much to SIL and to DH.
The answers given are generally about like this:
SIL: "She's so stubborn, I don't know what we're going to do with her".
DH: "She just is so fiercely independent and doesn't want to give up that independence, and have to uproot her life .. and I hate it for her, I wish that big cloud would come get her".
To my answers to the above: "She's stubborn, I can be just as stubborn .. and it breaks my heart that you guys continue to find it suitable to leave her to manage, when she obviously doesn't".
Or the other answer to DH: "FIERCELY INDEPENDENT?!??!?!? What planet are you on .. there is NOTHING independent about her situation .. she can no longer cook for herself .. she struggles mightily to get to the store to get anything ........ and if she's sick or otherwise ailing in some way . that's out the door, it's not possible for her to do it ... she struggles to get to the vet to pick up all the specialty crap for her dog .. she struggles to get to doctor appointments and your sister blows up my phone all day every day .. in that need .. she can't manage her own home anymore .. what's INDEPENDENT about any of that??!?!?!".
I backed away from it all, self preservation .. but also in the hopes that they'd see .. this really is not at all managing .. she needs more help.
That hasn't happened.
I had hoped SIL would find herself constantly bombarding DH with what she used to bombard me with. HE would get a belly full of it, a lot faster than I did, specifically because he doesn't have the time .. between his work .. and his churching .. .. he would find all the above *need* constantly being blown up on his phone, .. untenable .. and fast.
But .. that isn't what has transpired since I exited, not really.
Oh DH gets called upon when the toilet won't stop running, or the faucet is dripping, or a piece of privacy fence has blown over, or a light bulb has gone out .. or whatever else that a handyman might need to go see about. And he does, go see about it, and sometimes even incorporate a visit of sorts with his mom in the process.
But is DH called upon like I was, with all the need. Nope.
How has that need been met .. with my absence in it all.
Well I know for a little while, she was enlisting the help of the housekeeper. But I ran into the housekeeper a few months back, .. and she was telling me she'd picked up add'l clients for housekeeping and wasn't going to have time for the errands and transport to docs for MIL . and would be talking to SIL about it. I didn't hear anymore on that.
I know that she has also called upon YD here ..and YD has obliged a few times.
I know that the neighbor .. on a couple of occasions . just "conveniently" happened to be going to the grocery store *at the same time* as MIL and wouldn't she like a ride. Wink wink. Orchestrated by SIL from afar.
It has been piece mealed, patchworked together, from afar .. as best as she can manage, .. all the while, on occasion I get a fishing expedition dropped in my direction .. that gets unanswered to. I will always, if pushed, .. default to, "I thought she was fine, she can manage", and SIL knows that, .. so it's not often that fishing expedition gets dropped in my direction and pushed.
And so .. here we are. MIL was hospitalized last summer, .. for what was some .. oh I don't know, at the time, she was beckoning DH routinely that she couldn't think, felt as though she was in a fog, .. and so forth .. couldn't remember what a key was for, to start her car .. got out and got stranded, at least for a bit, .. as she struggled with .. ok, now I"m in my car, now what do I do .. and struggled with her tv remote .. and what to do with it .. and what it's for .. and struggled with the telephone .. could hear it ringing, but connecting the dots on what you do with a ringing phone .. (you answer it) .. lost on her, .. beckoning DH .. that she can't think, feels as though she's in a fog. DH would come from jobsites and sit with her .. and look after her some .. and at one point even summoned rescue .. who didn't find anything wrong .. and tried to persuade a hospital visit, to no avail. They all left. DH included, only to be summoned again. This time, DH did take her himself (this was last summer). She was hospitalized, .. looking for stroke .. whatever. That's where a small minuscule brain bleed was found .. also some evidence of further stroke .. but who can say when .. and also .. very telling in it all, a UTI found.
That's when SIL arrived here and chalked all the above up to the UTI .. and nursed her mom via some at home PT and so forth, back to health (subjective term) .. and off she went again .. her husband .. having suffered a minor stroke himself and now hospitalized in IL.
And here we are at this precept now. SIL and her hubby had merely come here for xmas. And MIL fell, nasty fall.
And SIL nursing her along. DH over here saying, "she's not safe to be left alone anymore, I'm going to talk to Sister, we're going to have to come up with a plan".
But it doesn't happen.
SIL busy on that hamster wheel, running it full tilt .. as is always the case.
DH busy on the treadmill of life .. and nothing gets addressed.
There you have it ... and my having exited the scene .. and for a while there, I'd gotten to where I said very little .. to DH or to his sister on it all. I have, since this latest malady .. said more .. but .. as always .. it falls on deaf ears.
In the b'ground of all this was SIL saying that she'd hoped to get her mom up there, in about March ..
Well, .. the way I'm looking at things here .. she is staying the course, obviously, to nurse her mom along here .. and her mom is set for MOHS on 1/29 .. (if they can't get her in sooner, via a cancellation) .. and SIL will obviously need to be here on the front to help her mom recovering from MOHS (considering she has severe limitations with her mobility even on a good day). And so .. I'm guessing, at least from what I presume .. she'd need to stay here at least another couple of weeks into February to nurse her mom through that ..
So .. then you are upon March.
What will be the excuse at that point, that March is upon us .. yet there is still this, leaving her here to "she can manage, she's doing okay".
I'm wondering if, to have a decision made, SIL flies off and H says he will stay with MIL? That might even be more palatable to MIL than being flown to IL. H might try bringing MIL to the Yellow Room, but there's at least one step there that she can't negotiate, right? Of course H will be off working and churching, so he might STILL be assuming that Dorker will cave in and be MIL's caregiver.
Dorker, do you think H will back off on his stance that MIL can't be left alone anymore? Or could that change if SIL can nurse MIL back to somewhere near her normally compromised self?
After all of this, I think that I would let it all go, pack my bag and leave to live somewhere else.
Wonder why ? Hmmm...🤔
If you're inclined to go sub-rosa, you could call the case manager on the next hospital stay and tell her the rest of the story. You could ask for her to discuss the inpatient status with the hospitalist with an eye to the end result of rehab for MIL. Lay it on thick about how when SIL goes home, MIL will be back in the hospital, possibly very badly injured or ill. I suspect case managers are adept at dealing with stubborn patients and families in denial.
One other thing - the last set of EMT's said they want to see people putting their DNR or Full Code paperwork in plain view, like in a plastic sleeve on the fridge.
I know for certain that no one has pushed any agenda with her, that it's no longer safe for her to live alone.
Do they intend to push that agenda? I haven't a clue. DH busy on the treadmill of life and his sister on the hamster wheel or 24/7 caregiving. No one addresses the big elephant in the room, sans whatever I say to SIL and to DH .. (the only adult in the room apparently). But what I say falls on deaf ears, as no action then proceeds forward.
For all I know, status quo is the order of the day here. MIL will be nursed to health (subjective term there), and then beyond the MOHS procedure upcoming .. and SIL will board the plane outta here, MIL left again .. to "she manages okay".
DH seems of the ilk that she cannot continue to live alone, but has done zilch to approach that topic with his sister or his mother. Zilch.
Does SIL feel that way, or is she going to continue to delude herself, that her mom "she's fine .. she manages okay".
I really don't know.
I don't know how else to get their attention on the matter, other than what's been said and done. I've removed myself from it all, that's plain for all of them to see.
In fact, I think SIL's little missive from yesterday .. maybe even another fishing expedition as she lamented that she misses her husband there, to do all the chores he was doing when he was on site. May have been her small attempt to see if I'd bite the hook, and at least step up to the plate as to the dog care, the dishes that need washing, the laundry, the errands, etc.
I didn't bite the hook. I feel horrible, because truly .. I could be of help there, on that front. BUT ... a BIG BIG BUT .......... these are folks that given an inch they take a mile . and I'm not going there. That and .. when I've been thrust into the role (though it's never been this bad) .. with MIL, the role SIL is currently playing .. it was all on me, during the day hours .. errands that needed to be run, phone calls that needed to be made, .. meals cooked, .. dishes done, laundry, dog concerns .. just as it is presently with SIL. I didn't have her husband there to help with those various sundry items, nor did I have my husband, he was working.
So .. in a sense .. SIL needs to see why it would be that someone (me) would say "this is all too much .. I can't do this and manage my own life too .. she needs more help".
It has always fallen on deaf ears for me to say that, and continues to. But .. for me to step in and be the relief valve for all the above, negates what I'm trying to do here, which is to get MIL in a safer setting .. and one that doesn't then have it all fall back on me.
I agree that whatever transpires it's going to need to be another hospital stay and preferably one with an inpatient label, rather than this observation status crap the hospitals are pulling now. I get why they do it, .. but boy does it complicate things.
How to get that inpatient status is beyond me. Yes, enlist the help of her PCP .. but the way hospitals work anymore, at least from where I sit viewing it all, PCP isn't at all a part of the whole thing. There is a "hospitalist" assigned ........ has nothing to do with MIL's care, other than to coordinate specialties, and order tests, monitor, etc. .. but has nothing to do with her history or any other thing. PCP would .. I'm guessing, if contacted, defer to the hospitalist.
I don't know how to get that all important inpatient label. I know that I will be absent any further hospital stay. Other than my putting in my two cents with social worker, "She has no one at home, to care for her". If that doesn't then warrant an "inpatient" label on whatever her stay is rooted in .. then I don't know what it would take to get that label on a stay there.
I think SIL is motivated, .. at least when she's present .. to make sure MIL isn't confined to a Rehab facility .. even if it means she has to work like a dog .. and she has been. BECAUSE .. to have more eyes on the situation . .might warrant that someone else in a capacity that knows these things .. speaks up and says the same thing her "hospitalist" said when she was last confined to a hospital. The same thing I said, for months now, "it's no longer safe for you to live alone".
SIL .. if she can keep her confined, to her care only .. (sans the professions doing home visits) .. then maybe her hand won't be forced as to taking action.
I did 2 things that eased MY mind and set boundary on my involvement in terms of explaining to my husband what I'd do.
I found 2 elder lawyers in the area that my in-laws lived that specifically cited Medicaid experience and elder law experience. I checked and both were board certified. I wrote down the phone numbers, names, and website.
I found the website with reviews on Medicare of rehab facilities near in-laws' home. I wrote down names of 2 that accepted Medicaid, one for profit and one non-profit.
When it became apparent after 2nd hospitalization that rehab was coming, I gave the sheet with lawyer names and rehab names to my husband on day 2 of hospital stay (in-patient). I told him that this was my gift to him and that he, his brother and FIL would have to figure it out.
This was subsequent to my MIL stating at dinner table a year ago that their lawyer that did wills (prior to need for Medicaid and who DID NOT handle Medicaid) that they were so fortunate that their DIL (me) was CPA and that I would handle ALL the paperwork for Medicaid when the time came. It was one of the biggest fights that my husband and I ever had later. I told him flat out NO. But my husband is like yours, just leaves it in the hopes that I will handle. I knew the list of 2 names and 2 rehabs satisfied any research obligation that I felt kindly needed and the siblings could figure it out. Gee whiz, FIL and they did...FIL paid the lawyer and griped for months to husband (too bad) and MIL is in Medicaid facility griping about shared room and lack of amenities (it's medicaid people).
"Well," I thought, "many, many average people are no better at organising their documents than they are about eating healthily and taking enough exercise. There must be millions of Americans whose assets and income will eventually make them eligible for Medicaid, and hundreds of thousands of them won't have created POAs, and so this must happen every day. What do they do?"
So I spent an idle half hour on Google trying to find out. And the first two pages of 285,000 results from "filing for Medicaid without POA" all said, in effect...
I wouldn't start from here.
All the same there must be a way - there are, after all, lots and lots of vulnerable elders who don't even have any children or other trusted individuals to give POA to in the first place. But that part of the flow diagram seems to take you straight to emergency applications for guardianship, not a route DH or SIL would want to embark on if they have any choice left at all, I imagine.
So Dorker if you want to do DH one more signal favour, wordlessly hand him the telephone number of a lawyer who can get this *done*. This week. Today.
MIL absolutely has to have another (this time inpatient!) hospitalization, with the resulting in-facility rehab covered. Those weeks in rehab are the time that SIL or H will have to get busy and do the necessary paperwork for Medicaid. (But can either of them even file for Medicaid on MIL's behalf if they don't have her POA?)
There will be no hope of facility placement otherwise.
At least, that's what I would expect of someone who is a mental health professional. That, or getting mom's doctor to deliver the news that living alone is no longer an option. Given that MIL has started to listen to others who say that she needs to be in AL, I would have jumped on that, not dithered around with circular reasoning about when she could travel.
Does SIL KNOW about the residency requirements in her state for Medicaid?
I think what we all are waiting for here, is not someone to force POA down MIL's throat, but for the siblings to sit down and make a plan. THAT's what isn't happening.
SIL texted me earlier this evening, just to inquire about my back (have not been known to have a bad back, but I'm really outta whack right now, .. don't know what I did to it, but it's really been bothering me this week, badly, painful, lower back). So she was inquiring if my back was getting any better.
I responded that it is, as long as I don't do anything, like "life" requires.
Then, I asked her (I guess I'm my own worst enemy, shouldn't of asked). "how goes life in the geriatric care ward?".
She responded that they'd gone yesterday (that's an improvement, they were unable to get her in the car to go any where), to the PCP for a post-fall/post-hospital ck up, and the PA there is pleased with her recovery. The PA expressing that recovery from even bruised ribs, takes quite a while.
Further responding, they've now taken her off Ibuprofen per cardio doc instructions, and is only on Tylenol for pain relief, and is now back on her Lasix .. attempt to reduce the edema .. .so the MOHS procedure can be done later this month.
She then goes on to say, "I sure miss B, he was a lot of help".
That is where it's hard for me to remain civil. But remain civil I did.
I wanted to say to her (but didn't) .. I know fully what you're referring to, the times I've had to do what you're doing, it's been on my own .. her son is working, and can't be there to help me .. so .. I understand completely what you're enduring .. it's a lot, too much for one person.
But I didn't say that. I only responded with the following: "Glad she's slowly getting better, I'm sure it is going to be a long haul. I know it's a lot when it's all on you, and B not there any longer. Your brother has offered to come relieve you and take over for a bit .. you might should consider that offer and take him up on it".
She then said, "yes he has offered to spend the night but wondered how he would manage with helping her with toileting, so have declined. But we are both sleeping a little better now and mom is becoming a little more independent getting herself to the bathroom at night. It's more about the busy daytime duties, chores that B would do when he was here and helped with, and coordinating the visits with home health folks who come often and arranging their visits and calls".
I only responded to that: "What in the world would she do without you there?".
I WANTED TO RESPOND: " ........................and what do you propose will be the setting in the event of the next calamity and you aren't here".
That's what I wanted to say .. but my harping/suggestions, .. all of it, falls on deaf ears. Why bother.
I only responded, "What in the world would have happened if she didn't have you here"
Her response: "I really don't know, thank goodness I'm able to help her. She is very appreciative. She's my mom and I want to do what I can to help her".
I find it hard to choke out the above .. when what I WANT TO SAY is a whole lot more reality based and harsh ..
But it does no good, so I don't.
The only thing I have any control over is myself. I could go visit every facility anywhere near here, and find the finest of fine settings .. it would do no good. First off, there is a lot of underlying work that needs to be done to qualify for Medicaid placement, none of it's been done .. at all. And .. not only that ... if that's not the direction this is going, I'd be wasting my time. And that's the likely scenario.
The only thing I can control is me. I will, I suppose, in the event the above is what transpires, nursing her to health and then leaving her once again .. I will .. be ready, with my bags packed, in the event of another calamity. So that the dial doesn't then turn in my direction as to a relief valve on it all. If anything is said, I have the words rehearsed. "you guys have known this was a high probability of occurring again .. I'm not pausing my life .. to prop this up .. said and said it and said it .. good luck to all of ya, I'm out".
So badly I wanted to say to SIL in that back and forthing: "Good .. sounds like she's getting stronger, which might mean you can go ahead with your plans to take her to your house".
I didn't say that. Only because I didn't want to hear it, for her to respond, "Oh I think she will ultimately be okay here .. she just has to get stronger".
I think my head would explode, thus I didn't say that.
Just keep remembering, the only thing I have any control over in any of it, is me. That I can control, and I will.
The worst is yet to come. You will need to be a rock. A rock with unbeatable self-preservation skills.
Hee-hee! In fact, wouldn't it be an interesting exercise to line up all those judges and check which of them have not yet "got round" to writing their own wills or appointing their own POAs :)
I think you're being a bit pessimistic about SIL's attitude to Dorker. The constant bombardment of FYI texts stopped some time ago. There are no more errands coming her way to do with doggie diapers or (will I ever forget it) vegetarian dog food. Neither SIL nor DH has stirred a step in the direction of hinting that Dorker might like to give SIL a break. I think Dorker's message has been fully taken on board, which is quite a feat of diplomacy on her part but also shows that they accept its fairness and rationality. I think, too, that by this point DH is bloody glad that he can use Dorker as a kind of portcullis keeping his mother out of his house - it saves him having to turn her away himself, and it must have dawned on him by now that bringing her to live with him and his family would be catastrophic.
Not to be complacent about it, of course; but there's quite enough trouble ahead for the family as a whole without looking for more. And I completely agree that Dorker and DH together need to guard against any "just while..." suggestions. Zero tolerance on that score.
There is absolutely no excuse for one or the other "kids" to NOT have POA except that MIL knows that they might wield it's mighty power over her---as well they should, when she needs it. Which is now. She's being manipulative to the bitter end.
IF she would just accept the inevitable, make and follow through on a decision to move to AL of some kind, she might be happier, more involved, and MUCH LESS OF A PIA to her family. But she won't. we all know that.
It's really too bad there is not one person in the world who could corral all 3 of these knuckleheads and tell them: This is not working. MIL must be placed somewhere safe and clean. NOW! SIL needs to be in her marriage and taking care of her DH. Dorker needs to have her own DH and life. Everything in the world doesn't revolve around you, MIL! What must this woman have done over the years to raise kids so dependent on her mercy and mood!
The tippy toeing, the frantic emails, the sneaking off to hunt or 'church' and the incessant fussing over one woman's wants has driven me crazy....and they live clear across the country from me! (It's hitting too close to home, that's why. We can't get Mother to acquiesce to ANYTHING. Similar, but not as bad dynamics here. I DO blow up, frequently, and as such, have removed myself for a few months to let the MIA sibs see just what I am talking about.)
Dorker--you have, once again, and always, my deepest sympathies. Pack that bag. You are sadly, going to need it.
Any MSW worth her salt would have all this stuff (POA, researching facilities both in IL and in FL) and starting the conversation with her mom underway.
The whole "for just a couple of weeks while we prepare our home for MIL's arrival", could completely unwind in a matter of moments, a simple fall, a little TIA, or even her dog getting sick, which we all know how temperamental dogs can get when out of their home environment!
I'd be ready for the inevitable, to cover my own Azz, or be prepared to pack a bag, and make your stand That Way. I'd hate to see you put on the spot, as It Will Happen!!! Coming from one who put up with their FIL living with us for Over 13 years!!! Its an awful place to be, all in the efforts to save your marriage, and in doing " The Right Thing"!!!
Take it from Me, It is Most Definitely The Wrong Thing!!! Which is one if the reasons why I am fully standing in your corner! I only wish I had taken the stance that you have Dorker, defining your boundaries, so the responsible parties develops theirs. Hold steady to your convictions Love, eventually this will all work out, if only because You are being the Responsible One in All of It!!! I'm rooting for you!!!