I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Well, things are moving, but as you said, let's wait and see.
Your stepping away was the RIGHT THING to do. If you had not, you would be six feet under by now--what with the twins and the needs of your own family eating you up along with MIL and her absurdities. You absolutely set boundaries and stuck by them!! Be proud of that!
Yes, I can see that you'd be sad to see MIL go so far---but it's only for a few months and her plan is to live in some kind of ALF when she returns? Use those months to breathe and relax. This is SIL's shining moment--in a weird way, she really IS in charge.
As far as that dog--my DH travels a LOT and he read to me the new rules regarding "service animals" and wow, they are going to crack down, big time. I highly doubt that MIL's dog qualifies in any way shape or form as a service animal. There are some serious guidelines being laid out by at least Delta Airlines--and others will follow. An ancient, incontinent ill tempered dog won't make the "cut". It can still fly on the plane, just in the cargo with all the other dogs.
Oh, and her comment that she's not going to die? Just a jab to your heart to make you feel bad. Don't take the bait.
At least you are feeling bittersweet about this, throughout all the drama--you have maintained that you do love this very difficult woman. Kudos to you. Most of us would have walked away years ago.
As to the MOH's and healing. From what I have read about it, in particular, lower extremities, (as is her case), can be slower to heal. I had MOHS several years ago on my upper arm, for a Melanoma .. and I don't remember it being anything really remarkable as to the healing and so forth. But .. I'm a lot younger, and it wasn't a lower extremity. So who can say how long that will take, as to healing.
Having had a little time to contemplate a few things over it all. One of the things I overheard MIL saying to DH on the phone, resonates with me, a bit disconcerting. Maybe I'm expecting more mindfulness and insight than someone almost 90 years old is capable of. But it did, when I heard her say it to him, cause me a bit of anger.
Her words:
"Well I will do what I have to do, I've always said .. whatever works for *me* ... this has to be something that works for *me* in my time .. this is all about *me*".
She said the above words. Now my thoughts as I heard that, .. where was the "you know I really have to take into consideration here, .. I am becoming so needy .. I have to take into consideration what works for others' and their ability to help me, it's not fair of me .. this insistence to stay here living alone, not when I watch that my daughter has to routinely upend her world and come to my rescue ... you guys .. having to upend your world ... I have to do what works here, for all of us, not just me".
Where is that in any of it? It wasn't said. And I'm sure, the sentiment is absent, in hearing her remarks. Maybe I'm expecting more insight than an elderly compromised person is capable of exhibiting.
Doesn't matter in the end, what it was that caused her to come to this conclusion .. that she, in her words, "will never live alone again". Point is, .. she has come to that conclusion .. or at least .. at this point, puts voice to it.
Just pondering the above piece of the dialogue that transpired, it was even more proof (If I even needed it for myself) that the course this is all taking, and my exit, was absolutely 1000% necessary. For so long, her mantra, "now I will be fine here, I will manage", and her daughter's "well she does seem to manage okay" .. and my words interjected there into the scene for a while (before I exited and quit saying it) .. "she needs more help here, .. she is growing increasingly needy and I can't do it all, not and manage my life too" ... her failure to see that, .. and apparently ... only until recently .. did she see that she "can't live alone anymore".
It makes me sad for her, .. for SIL, but mostly for her. How much nicer this would all be, if her mindset was a positive one .. that she is fortunate she has this option .. that she will be where she can be looked after better, and not then causing the upheaval that her life causes because of her infirmities. It makes me sad for her, that her mindset isn't at all the above. She is plain out and out sad, to have to take this path. I know, and I know and I know, .. I know her .. this isn't anything she ever wanted, to have to leave her home. But I also know the alternative would've been that the big cloud in the sky would've come for her. She is aging .. and becoming more and more frail. There isn't a magic pill she can take that will restore her youth and vitality of younger years .. and thus .. this path has to be the road ahead for her.
I feel bad for SIL and her husband .. as their lives will now be changed .. in a big way. Hopefully, .. I hope hope hope .. it will be a more stable setting going forward. Rather than SIL having to hop on a plane to get here and run the hamster wheel .. hopefully stability can be the order of the day with her mom being looked after .. more routinely, at least until things take a turn for the worse, and they will, if she lives long enough.
It has all made me wonder, .. had I not stepped away from it all, and continued to forsake my own life and wants ... just how much would I have been on the front of it all, in the pursuit of allowing MIL her most fervent wish, which was to not have to leave her home .. how much would've been hoisted upon me ... and without even so much as a thought or care by MIL but more importantly by DH and his sister. I think, a LOT.
I plan to, at some point .. particularly since none of this was imparted to either us via SIL (which is interesting to me, that this turn of events has taken a more foreseeable approach .. and yet SIL hasn't seen fit to impart that info to her brother or to me) ... I plan to, once again, as has been said in the past, .. impart to SIL that I'm happy MIL has come to the conclusion she has .. and that I'm sure their hands are full trying to figure the path forward .. and ridding the household .. of some things, and/or going thru things .. and that (as has been said before, but doesn't seem to get any notice), we will of course do whatever we can to help facilitate said move.
Not sure why, since things have taken this path .. SIL hasn't seen fit to mention it to either of us, and maybe begin making a list of things we could help/assist with ... MIL even mentioned to DH that at some point he will need to come over and go through the garage to take anything that he would like (tools and so forth that used to belong to DH's dad). Why hasn't SIL seen fit to mention that this is the path that is being approached and there are numerous things to see to, as to the household and emptying it, .. and that she will be in contact with us, for some help.
Next step is the MOHS surgery, and how long MIL takes to recover from that.
Keep us updated, Dorker!
MIL's acceptance that things are on the move is the big, big deal. Never mind the dog stuff, never mind the back in a few months stuff - these are just tactics. The *strategy* is the important part, and your withdrawal and SIL's pulling and pushing have changed the strategy. "Never mind how, Mom, we'll get Doggie to you, never fear. We'll put him on the seat next to you on the plane. We'll hire him a stretch limo. He'll walk. Whatever. You just get there, and we'll figure out the details."
You are of COURSE right to believe it when you see it. It's like selling and buying houses: what happens is nothing nothing nothing until you're ready to swallow your own tongue, and then all in a rush you're signing papers, packing china and figuring out your new bathroom's shower controls all at once. Just keep on keeping on, as you have been, and doing your breathing exercises, and it will happen.
Or, at least, something will happen. The things that could actually prevent the move would be the sort of things that will change the whole set-up anyway, and you don't wish any of those on anyone, least of all MIL.
DH should stop questioning the details and cheerlead for the move. Say reassuring things. Be pleased and happy for MIL that this is the best way for her to get back on her pins. Once she's there, and let's say she does recover some ground health-wise, she will also feel a lot better about life and health in general and more amenable to making the relocation permanent. It's all good!
You did all this, you know - if you hadn't recognised the need to change your approach, MIL's situation would have gone on getting worse and worse and nobody would have done a dam' thing about it. Be proud of yourself.
It seems it has sort of come at the cost of some *distance* as to any relationship here .. even maybe with DH (who was never really on the front lines of it all). To have heard his mother's melodrama .. as he imparted to her, the words that anything they need .. as to his participation in helping/assistance, and her responses ... "Oh I will be needing you H .. for sure I will need you, now you need to know that I am going to need you, and if I ask, you know that I need you", .. kinda melodramatic if you ask me. Just the inflection in her tone.
She did sound sad to have reached this conclusion. Him having said to her, . .. "well it does sound like that's a good plan .. and something has to happen here". And her response "Well if I'm not going to die, and it looks like that's not going to happen for me, . then I have to do what I have to do here".
It does seem as though the only way this ship would've turned course is if there was some distance there. MIL now maybe .. more aware than ever, .. that my help is not at the ready, and more to the point SIL.
Is there animosity? If there is, I don't know it. No one has been ugly to me. Distant maybe .. yes. So be it. I can only presume that if I hadn't backed out of it all, I'd of been even more on the front of an increasingly needy situation .. as her son and daughter both continue on with their lives. That isn't right, and I'd grown resentful of it, in the end. It has to change.
***I am reserving judgement, til I see the proof in the pudding***
There have been too many false starts in all of it. I'll believe it when I see it.
They are trying to do it on their own.
You wish they would include you and DH in the planning and implementation.
SIL acts as if this is none of DH business. Maybe she has to be mad to get it done. I know you don’t think she gets angry. I very gently suggest she is human. At the very least she plays a masterful passive aggression game.
I saw the recent news coverage of untrained dogs being passed off as service animals causing problems on planes. I think they said a letter from the dr etc was necessary these days 48 hours before flight plus pet certification. Not sure if that was for all airlines or specific ones.
You have a little time. Do you intend to plan a send off for MIL? You and DH are going to miss her being close by. I’m glad you are seeing a therapist. It’s good MIL is willing to go to IL for a few months and allow SIL time at her home.
You have accomplished your goal. MIL receiving 24/7 care.
Thanks for the update.
In this case, my "take" would've been that SIL wants to be the one with eyes/ears/hands on it all, solely, for the purpose of selling it that MIL is fine to be left to manage. No one else there, hands on to dispute the goings on. But I don't know.
When DH got home from church and was apprised that SIL declined all invites she and her mom, and/or just herself, etc. He picked up the phone, to call her. I assumed he was trying to reach his sister .. but his mom answered (speaker phone). She plead that she just isn't able to go and do, .. just can't do it, .. but that she'd tried to encourage SIL to go but that she wouldn't do it.
I don't know how the conversation turned, but it ultimately did. To the topic .. what the future holds.
The *plan* according to what I could hear his mom telling him .. SIL is staying through to see the MOHS procedure through and it's healing. And then she and SIL will be on a plane to IL. For her to stay with SIL *for a few months* and then she will be back (I think this is a ruse .. on SIL's part perhaps .. that it's *for a few months* .. not sure .. I wouldn't know, and obviously DH doesn't either). She said to DH that she has come to the conclusion that she can no longer live alone .. and so *they* will return in a few months. Her words, ... blah blah blah, and then ..............."everyone was telling me I need to have a *PLAN* .. so there you have it, that's the *plan*".
It was all really kinda melodramatic .. listening to it. He was questioning, .. "return in a few months?". His point .. but he didn't get it out, got interrupted by MIL, .. "return?, you aren't gonna be up for that" .. ( shh'd him a bit .. ) MIL then interjecting, "well there's a lot to see to here, .. and it's not going to be done overnight .. and so we will return .. but I won't ever live alone again .. I don't want it to come to this .. but .. I always said I will do what works for me .. and when I'm ready .. and so this is the route we're taking at this point, this the *plan* ... "
(I've never been so glad to have stepped away in my life, when you hear this part). He then asked, .. what about her dog. And the answer given, "Well SIL is going to be working on a special permit to get the dog to be able to fly on the plane with us, .. and not in the cargo hold .. so once we get that .. then we'll just take him with us".
WTH?!?!?!?!??!
I know that "service pets" have been allowed on airplanes .. forever. And I also know that forever, .. the airlines were being duped with this whole "service animal" business and so tightened the noose on that whole prospect. Good luck with the above. THANK the heavens above I'm no longer in the thick of it. I thin, beyond a doubt, this is likely the biggest, deepest rabbit hole yet in this whole scheme. I would be SO NOT pleased to have been asked to follow this rabbit hole. There's no way in hades that's gonna fly. But whatever .. knock yourselves out.
I've said it and said it .. I will do whatever I can .. to help facilitate a move if needed, and yes, if that includes getting in the car to drive what amounts to 23 hours worth of driving in total, to deliver a dog to the destination .. then so be it. I have offered, to do that and more, and I stand by that offer. Haven't been asked. Somehow I guess they think they will get that label for the dog "service pet" and all will be resolved. Go for it.
Further .. MIL just talked of them going thru papers there, and SIL visiting a shredding site, to rid of some papers there .. and going thru things .. to begin the process of riding the house of what's not needed.
It was all .. I can't really articulate it all, but rather dramatic and melodrama like. Whatever.
You did right to invite them, and right to not plead or cajole them into coming.
SIL sounds much like a martyr, much like my brother who cares for my mother. There are 4 more sibs who can and will step up to help and he has now set the rules that we are NOT allowed to do A SINGLE THING for her. He says it upsets her and she gets angry. Well, he likes being the "one" who is in control and gets something out of this self imposed martyrdom--what, I don't know. He practically has mother under lock and key. She feeds into this, much the way your MIL does. Loves it, but hates it at the same time.
I've run this dynamic past my therapist a few times, as I feel I 'should' be helping more. My therapist said we could spend hours and hours dissecting the mental illness at play here and still not get to the root cause. No point.
Mother belongs in a SNF, but she will never, ever go. Even as we discussed as a family the increasing needs she had, he insists he can handle it ALL. But, he's not.
We also are all waiting for the big "boom", as we call it. The final fall, the final bout of pneumonia....and brother sits in the tower, calling all the shots.
This sick dynamic with brother/mother and his adamant refusal to let the rest of the sibs help out has fractured our family beyond repair.
I just have to promise myself I will NOT do this to my kids.
My aunt used to say: "it's nice to be *asked*." You asked. SIL said no, but a) that's no skin off your nose, really and b) suppose you even were in the mood to push it? Being under pressure to go out and have a nice time doesn't really work, does it - it's just more stress! So you were right to ask her, and very nice on top to suggest the means, but also right to take her "no thanks" for an answer.
She knows you're thinking of her. I really don't see what more you can do.
Taking the stuff round to MIL's house at this stage, I personally think, would look like you were making some kind of tight-lipped point. So not only is it trouble you don't need, that too might be counterproductive. Let it be, you're right.
No, I didn't ask .. "did you say that to your sister?!?!?". Why bother asking.
Interestingly enough (and I did this because the last I heard on the whole front with MIL's fall, and convalescing from same, the PCP PA was "pleased" with her recovery). We are having a cookout this afternoon, and DD and family coming this way to partake.
Texted SIL this morning, "Hey DH says that if it'll help, he'll be glad to help you to get MIL over here, we're cooking out today and watching football and the babies will be here .. do you think you guys would be up to a visit over here?".
Got back an answer some time later, "Thank you for trying to include us, but mom is really working hard to try to recover and she still has that MOHS thing coming up and I'm sure that's gonna be a set back, so I think we'll just stay here. Of course, she's encouraging that I go and join you guys, but I think it's probably best if I stay here with her".
I then answered that I'd be happy to reserve a plate for each of them, if she feels inclined to come this way to retrieve it later. She declined, .. but thanked me anyway.
Oh well.
I did tell DH before he left for church (we'd discussed trying to get them over here to join us), my words to him, "she won't come, but we'll invite them .. she never does come".
His words, "maybe sister will come and leave mom for a bit".
I said, "perhaps".
His words, (telling) "if sister won't even leave her to come over here for a cookout for a bit, then mom just can't be left alone .. that's all there is to it".
He's at church right now, .. so I don't know what his take will be on the above. Probably more of the same. That seat on the sideline firmly indented and warmed and ready.
Whatever.
I can only offer.
There was a time when I'd take the feast that way ... and prepare it all.
BUT ................
That was before twin babies. The mother of the twin babies, .. the truth of it all, .. she almost doesn't go anywhere, to anyone's house with twins in tow .. unless that site is set up for babies. Such as pack and plays for them to be laid in .. and a bouncy seat to sit in to play .. and some toys .. and diapers and wipes and formula and so forth and so on. I have all that on hand . DD does come here .. routinely .. with babies in tow. But she really, .. it's the God's honest truth, .. goes almost nowhere with the babies .. if that somewhere isn't set up for babies.
Thus, I used to ... I'd take the feast to MIL's and prepare it there ..
But .. seasons change. This particular "season" of my life, is about accommodating my g'children.
So be it. Yes, I would've enjoyed having SIL and MIL here to visit and enjoy the babies .. but it is what it is. MIL perhaps unable to navigate that ordeal. SIL .. for whatever her reasons .. not willing to depart that setting to enjoy the festivities here. It is what it is, as they say.
I've noticed that my own SIL changes the subject much more quickly when her mother is behaving especially badly.
Though I have found that buttoning my lip and making her fill the awkward silence does sometimes let her express thoughts she'd reject if I tried to winkle them out of her.
E.g. "I do think Mum can be a bit selfish, sometimes." HA!!! A bit??? Ya think????? Not that it's got us anywhere so far, alas. Anyway.
I think you may be onto something there, Dorker; that "she doesn't like to leave mother" is an easier thought for SIL to have than "she is afraid of what you might want her to talk about."
Well, she might say no. That shouldn't stop you asking her - but only as long as you genuinely would like her to come out with you, don't do it out of duty.
If she's worn to a frazzle doing as DH says "eating/living/breathing this chit" .. that ought to be an indicator, a strong strong indicator .. to her, front line to it all, that it's too much.
If isn't that "strong" indicator .. that's very telling to me. She likely has no intention of doing this for any real lengthy period. Meaning, she is nursing her to what she deems an appropriate state of being, to leave her.
DH sees it .. he said it himself following the above remarks he made, "Mother needs to be where she can get around the clock assistance".
Does he make that remark to his sister?
Not to my knowledge no. Why? I will never know. I have all but quit asking. Everyone that knows me, they know the page I'm on. No need to continue beating a dead horse.
I no longer invite her for a lunch out, a movie, a pedicure, etc etc etc. Things we used to enjoy doing. The last SEVERAL times I've done so through the last few years as things progressively worsened with their mom .. it became evident to me (maybe I read too much into it all) that she wasn't interested in any setting where she'd be one on one with me. Why would that be? Maybe because she knows I am going to voice my agenda. She declined invites the last few years, .. for anything that would separate her from her perch as watchful mother hen to the setting there with her mom. Saying the words, "I don't feel right leaving mother", as her excuse to decline any number of invites for various things.
(((No, not lost on me, that she would then go .. within a few weeks of that .. if not less .. and get on the plane to leave her mother. Wouldn't leave her for a few hours, to go see a movie, go to lunch .. whatever .. but will go get on a plane and leave her mom, .. with the whole mantra "she seems to be managing okay", . only to then be .. from afar throwing directives this way as to the *need dujour*.
No, I don't invite her anymore for any kinda outing.
I could, of course, .. be very creative and arrange it that MIL's son go spend the afternoon there, so there is care and watchful eye upon the whole thing, and then ask that SIL accompany to whatever, to get a break from it all. But I still think she would decline. I'm pretty sure there is motivation, as fatigued as she is .. and I'm sure she is bone tired .. there is motivation there to not let too many watchful eyes upon the situation .. lest she have to hear the words she doesn't want to address. "Mother is not managing". Stay there and work like a fiend .. in the pursuit to manage it all yourself and keep any one else that may have contrary opinion on it all, keep them at bay. That seems to be the order of things .. at least from where I sit.
It's almost like, .. all was well, as long as I'd continue propping it all up .. by being in the road in pursuit of whatever the need was .. almost daily ... things went swimmingly.
When I began to question it all (which was before I stepped away) .. and perhaps bring to the table that there needs to be some further discussion on it all, the need is growing too great ... suddenly there was more distance there, than had been the case prior.
I don't ask her anymore. I don't hate/dislike her .. I truly do not. Clueless? Yes, but not someone I dislike.
Yes I stay busy with my own life. I am working presently for a few days at the clinic stuff .. and prior to that went to watch the babies for DD for a couple of different things she had going .. and spending time always with my 4 yo beautiful g'daughter that I so enjoy. Had the whole family over for dinner on Sunday .. so we could meet a "special" b'friend that YD has hooked up with (her term she uses). Seems to be a nice young man.
I could go run groceries there, I could go there and throw in some laundry and fold it and put it away .. I could go get the special (confounded) dog food/treats ... I could pick up rx's .. any number of things I COULD be helping with. But I am not. For the very most basic of reasons.
You want to wear this hat .. wear it ... dress it up .. parade it around town .. and live it/breath it/love it.
Not because I dislike you, I dislike your decisions.
SIL doesn't want MIL in her home long term. SIL has made NO efforts to investigate services, funding, eligibility etc. in Illinois.
SIL has been struggling to maintain MIL in MIL's home and tried to co-opt every member of Dorker's family to do so.
Don't keep mentioning move to SIL's house. Ain't gonna happen.
Don't keep mentioning move to local facility - until the fall, stroke, heart attack, sepsis happen, SIL will by gosh and by golly keep MIL in MIL's home. Because that keeps MIL out of SIL's home.
Dorker, how are the twins and 4 year old doing? How is youngest daughter's school and new job? How is your part time clinic job? You are so busy I am sure that you are having to focus on keeping well and rearranging your home so that the Yellow Bedroom is now a storage closet. I suggest again moving every possible object in your home into it and block the door.
Just keep the go-bag ready. Your DH will never get the message that his life enabler is not going to take care of MIL long term. He's never had to face it and he never will. You'll have to move out to get him to believe it.
The saying that comes to mind - after reading Kimbers very accurate observation on DH and sil - and dhs really wanting to remain on the sidelines- while sil is being the martyr from hell? All the while him making offers of assistance and her turning him down? Both really acting as their own agendas dictate?
“Actions speak louder than words”.
And the dysfunctional dance continues to spin in place.
If you were to step in now the problem would still be there. You will have applied only a bandaid when you need an ace wrap!
Any loving caring person at this point would feel as you do. It’s only natural. But you don’t have the power to fix this. Ultimately it is MIL’s children that need to come to that realization. Yes, it stinks! But these very difficult decisions need to be made and not by you.
These siblings need to begin a conversation about their elderly mother’s care going forward.
It’s pretty sad but it is what it is.
You have done your part both in caring for her and asking her kids to think of a long term solution months ago. That’s all you can do.
You are assuring your MIL’s safety by not stepping in. Else she’ll be left alone to fall and really hurt herself, whether she is alone at home or even with you. She needs care you can’t physically provide.
The siblings will have to make a decision and soon. Why they can’t talk about it we’ll never know.
You are doing a wonderful job. We are all cheering for you!
What the stress does is roil up a whole load of earlier sore points that you did previously let go - MIL's crashing tactlessness, her thoughtlessness (though to be fair I think a lot of it might more have been her losing her grip), SIL's inability to stop tearing around the kitchen like a blue-arsed fly to save her mother having to lift so much as a teaspoon. Things get on one's nerves, under extreme stress, that normally one would overlook without even thinking about it.
You made very necessary changes, because it had got to the point where you were banging your head against a brick wall. And isn't it wonderful when you stop?
The progress you've made, and the lines you've drawn, have been seriously impressive. Really. Don't underestimate the challenge of stopping pleasing people when that's what you've always done, and do give yourself credit for the fair, moderate way you've done it.
So now that your head has recovered a bit, you've got that little bit of distance, you can see SIL's situation clearly and you have spotted small things you could do that would support her. Now, normally you would love to support her. But this situation is not normal. It will pass. You and she have time ahead, and God willing you will grow closer again. But right now, the crucial thing is to assess what kind of support is actually going to HELP.
Supposing you had an afternoon with nothing better to do, and without any particular difficulty you could go to MIL's house and tell SIL to have a long soak in the tub and a nap while you manage MIL for, say, four or five hours. Just suppose.
That would be a really nice thing to do. It would give SIL temporary relief. But would it, when you think it through, actually help?
You have withdrawn your contribution to the whole situation for one supremely good reason: that enabling MIL's increasingly chaotic, risky choice is not in anyone's interests. Not MIL's, not her children's. And these are the people you care about.
Viewed in this way, you are being the opposite of selfish. On the contrary, you are prepared to be unpopular and look "selfish" - which is hard for you - in order to guide them the right way. Isn't it always so much easier for most of us to go with the flow? We say yes because we want to be nice. It's hard to stick to being right, instead.
You shouldn't babysit MIL. Not doing hands-on care is a critical boundary and you mustn't blur it.
What else could you do that would give SIL a hug without endorsing MIL's choices?
Suggestion: can you take her out for a girls'-only (no MIL!) lunch? And say nothing, just let her talk out what she's thinking?
It does feel *selfish* to be "behaving" in this manner. There are things I honestly could be helpful with. And it doesn't help my psyche on it all, when DH comes in reporting from having visited over there, and talking that his sister falls asleep while talking to her. Not anything of serious substance. But she falls asleep. Says she isn't getting good rest, between helping mother in the night, and the dog. His words, "She is over there eat/breath/sleeping/chitting this stuff, 24/7".
I do feel bad. Especially when .. in the end, there are things I certainly could step up and help with.
BUT .......
This is no different than when I was raising kids, .. the same principle .... they forget their homework or their lunch or whatever, .. and call me to come to the rescue. Eventually .. they have to be responsible for what is theirs to be responsible for. Same thing here.
I don't know what SIL's intentions are here. She doesn't discuss it ... she doesn't put it on the table, and DH and his sideline seat .. doesn't either. Is the intent here .. that MIL be nursed back to her normally compromised self, and be left to her own devices to manage. Is it to be nursed back to her normally compromised self, and then transported to IL to reside with SIL. Is it to eventually work to find placement, . .. what is the choice here, . the plan .. anything ...???.....nothing......what is it?
It's their mom, their choices. In lessening the burden, by stepping up, .. I am kind of in a sense, providing carte blanche that I agree with the set up, and I do not. Thus, I stay out of it.
Not an easy decision on my part. It feel selfish at times. But it's also real real easy to remember how infuriating it can get, when you get to close to the flame.
SIL has been able to keep the hamster wheel going because (up to now) it was limited to 2-3 weeks and had support from, DH on a project/minimal level, and your daughters conscription. In the last several months, that has changed. MIL's health has gone even further downhill. And the lack of planning will bite the siblings in the behind. but you can't "fix it". You can't make anyone do more. Glad that you have a lot to do and yes, SIL is probably resentful and so is your husband. How selfish of you (big EYE ROLL HERE) to not make it all work for them.
Another big lesson though on this? Don't expect the children of your mother's latest husband to take care of your mother. Or any stepchildren of your father's wife to take care of your father. Make some back up plans of your own if you suddenly get dropped in the middle.
MIL really needs a facility where people working in shifts can care for her, where she sees other people her age and can socialize, where her medicine will be given on time. You know this. You are helping SIL start to understand this. Stepping in and helping will only cloud the reality and why should you? You did all of this for years, you told them it wasn't supportable, and it isn't. If SIL starts to get resentful - good! she'll probably start facing reality and start looking at nursing homes.
Just been busy the last few days with other things ...
I think there may be some ill will, .. unspoken, as it's been eerily quiet.
The last I heard from SIL, was a kind of fishing expedition, (or so it seemed to me) and I didn't bite the hook. Her lamenting all she misses that her husband did, in his presence there.
Has been eerily quiet on that front, ever since.
But, reconciling myself to the same ole mantra "not my circus, not my monkey". She has a brother .. and if those chores that her husband used to handle when he was here .. if they are burdensome, she can certainly call upon her brother to assist. She hasn't seen fit to do so. Thus, "not my circus, not my monkey".
I also presume, there's nothing new to report from that end, and haven't asked DH .. it would be pointless. I know his seat of the sidelines of it all, is kept nice and cozy as he stays firmly entrenched on the periphery of all the goings on. So be it.
Sounds nice, eh?
I wonder how well SIL could micromanage MIL's care from afar if she were to be placed in a local facility? I know people do it long-distance, but it seems it would be much easier to do it if it were local. And wouldn't she still be ordering H around to get his mother this or that?
SIL needs to find one of those windows of opportunity to move MIL, and when she finds it, load her onto the plane to IL.