I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Also, love how much more direct they make channels of communication. SIL has her brother's phone number, has she not? Well, there you are then.
You were very kind to her and to MIL and I am SO proud of you.
SIL inquiring of me yesterday via text, .. had I heard when the appointment is for the neurology consult. I answered her question, there is an appointment for 4/10. I happened, at that moment, to be at dance class with the 4 yo, who had spent the night with us, and had plans on the radar after that, she and I to go to lunch and then to a kids craft class at an arts/crafts store.
She had asked if the g'son has had anymore episodes, and I told her, none since the original one. She then went into explaining that her husband is to fly into town on 3/13 (wasn't this when they should have been talking of transport to IL .. and/or .. some other setting). No I didn't ask. She went on, in this text to explain that her husband has bought a one-way ticket for arrival here on 3/13 .. and that they hope to, .. sometime in April, if possible .. all of them, dog included, fly to IL ... and take MIL with them. That they have their own doc appts to see to coming up and that she misses her husband .. and that he's so helpful, it will be nice to have him back there to help out.
She goes on to explain that MIL is very sad .. it's a hard time for her, scary .. and .. that she just gets so sad at the thought of leaving her home, .. but that they are working on her stamina .. and getting past the MOHS thing .. with that wound site healing. And that the visiting nurse now wants MIL to transition to outside PT rather than in home PT, thinks it would he helpful .. and that she is getting MIL outside on the deck daily for a while, for some fresh air and sunshine .. and to the driveway to walk a bit, with the walker.
I responded that I'm glad to hear she's able to get outside some, and the walking on the driveway .. that can only be good .. it will hopefully help to increase her endurance/stamina some .. good you're there to help here. Went on to inform her of what was on my radar at present (as a means to kinda impart to her, that I'm preoccupied at the moment with g'daughter, at dance class, then lunch, then arts and crafts, etc.). Then went on to say to her, .. ."sad for her, that it troubles her and causes her grief, I know it was her most fervent wish to not have to leave her home .. but she just needs so much support .. ".
SIL then answered that with, "yes it is sad, .. I hate it for her .. where's H today (referring to my husband), .. we rarely hear from him, .. but I know he stays so busy all the time".
I answered that he's at home mowing the lawn and doing some things around the house and hopefully resting some.
That last little bit of dialogue. It struck me like a light bulb that turned on. THIS .. is what boundaries look like. Clearly defined.
There used to be a time that I'd of been haranguing in DH's ear, .. "you need to call your mom, have you been to see your mom,.. hey I have planned for us to do thus and so with your mom, we're going there on so and so date .. have you called her, when's the last time you talked to her, why haven't you called her", on and on and on it would go. That used to be the case. All while I was jumping down every rabbit hole and wild goose chase and other legitimate need .. haranguing him along the way to be more engaged. That used to be the case, very much so.
Word from SIL, along those lines, "we don't hear much from him", .. used to be, would've prompted some action on my part, .. even though I'd already been hounding him, it would now ratchet up my angst and it'd land on his ears .. and cause discord here .. in my world. This is how things used to look.. And not only that, I would've likely chimed in with SIL .. "yes .. I wish he'd be more attentive to the whole thing, I try .. but you know him", .. trying to minimize, trying to mitigate .. whatever.
Now however, .. boundaries ....
I didn't even speak to the fact that statement was made. "We don't hear much from him...". Didn't even respond to that. Told her what he's doing at present, which was mowing the lawn .. and actually felt relief, .. real relief, and leaving that other statement to hang. A very real realization on my part, .. that's your brother ... you can call him and ask him what he's up to today .. and you can mention it yourself to him .. that you guys don't hear much from him. It was such a relief to not be a part of that dynamic at all. I no longer hound DH to call his mom .. I no longer make plans to make sure she is engaged in our lives, as I used to do, and I no longer make apologies and/or excuses as to his whereabouts and/or lack of being engaged in it all. That's up to her, .. if she desires that he somehow stick his nose more in it all, ..then fine .. get on it, he's your brother, deal with it. If not .. that's fine too.
I kinda have an inside seat to the whole thing .. and .. yes DH could and should do more to be a part of it all, and engage .. but ... but ... it's very much a circus that's run by his sister and it is a circus .. and he has long ago .. maybe come to the conclusion that he's good to go fix lightbulbs that blow out, or fences that blow down .. or faucets that leak, or toilets that clog, or sprinkler heads that leak .. but outside of that, he's not gonna get in the muck and mire of it all, .. let sister lead her circus the way she wants.
So, .. I do see .. in some respects, having an inside seat to it all, the reasons he isn't as engaged as he should be. But I'm not even gonna argue that point with any party involved. That too, between them. It works for them, for whatever their reasons. He sits on the sidelines .. and makes a dent in the bleachers and goes when called upon for handyman stuff .. and periodically gets a hankering that he hasn't seen/talked to his mom and does . of his own fruition .. make a plan and see it through (maybe not as frequently as he should). She runs the circus to her liking ..and he stays on the periphery.
It's just .. that one missive of dialogue .. struck me like a lightbulb turned on. THIS is how it looks when there are boundaries.
I am nobody but, I would caution you to not get involved with any "team" effort. You have created and stuck to boundaries, don't weaken now. SIL and BIL are both adults and can make there own choices and live with the consequences. Have dinner out, be kind and loving from a distance. Your own family needs to see good examples you are setting.
Kitty has always been an indoor cat so she doesn’t seem to mind how small her world has become. She’s also always been a one-human cat - hubbys cat - so the lack of other human contact doesn’t seem to bother her much either.
At times it bothers me how small kitty’s world is. I’ll go down and give her a scratch under her chin and around her ears, but after a few minutes she gives me a warning look - “go away now. I just want to sleep in my spot in the sunlight and wait for my Daddy to come home”.
Our cat is 17 years old. It has occurred to me - that this current living situation, this small world that kitty has - expending so little energy, eating as much or as little as she pleases - spending most of her time sleeping in the limited sunlight - that kitty could easily live another several years.
Well, SIL has dug that hole and is firmly entrenched. MIL WILL have another fall, or something and she WILL wind up back in the hospital, we all know that---if she can't move a step without her walker--she'll forget and nobody will be there to catch her.
Did SIL and DH once upon a time promise her she'd NEVER go to a NH? For the life of me, I cannot figure this weird situation out, and I have kept up with all the posts, out of sheer curiosity.
How hard to stand on the sidelines and watch this sinking ship.
It's been a long time, Dorker, so glad you stepped out when you did. I know you feel some measure of guilt, we all would, but realistically? the way she was living, dragging you down could not have gone on much longer.
MIL is managing - she has roped the enmeshed SIL and soon-to-be slave BIL into her personal care servants. SO BE IT.
It's amazing how much my husband's desire to help his parents changed when *I* quit doing the research, etc. Your DH will get the phone calls when, not if, the chores need to be managed at MIL's house. You are correct - if you relax your stance, they will attempt to drag you right back in. The only reason SIL is there managing the day-to-day is that you REMOVED yourself. The only thing you could change was your response, and *lookie here* SIL is there and MIL is getting help. One would hope it would not be at the cost of her daughter's entire future, but hey MIL is a narcissist. Metaphorically eating their young is just one of the services they offer. Enjoy the babies, and leave MIL to her own children. You have enough on your own plate.
MIL had that MOHS procedure on her leg, and all went fine. But as part of that, it was imperative she remain on her Lasix .. to keep edema in her lower extremities at bay. That was done. Also, imperative that she keep Lasix on board as the site of the wound heals. This ongoing presently.
MIL & SIL talking of how nicely the wound site is healing .. and that then brought on the remarks about her having to stick with the Lasix .. to keep the swelling down in her legs. MIL then turned, and said to me, "you know, there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not wetting on myself, . sometimes several times a day .. the indignity of it all".
SIL then piped in with, "yes, those Depends .. are a Godsend".
Just interesting, this particular exchange also. I remember the round and round and round and round we'd go with the whole Lasix scene. MIL .. not taking it as directed, edema increasing .. then she'd double up on it, to rid herself of the fluids on board .. causing herself to dehydrate .. and get weakened .. and fall, .. round and round and round this would go. No one there to "manage" the above.
Now, however, it sounds as if SIL is there, and however she's accomplishing it .. she is making sure the Lasix is on board daily. Yes, the indignity of it all, .. having to wear Depends ... that your life has now become that. I can empathize.
But what a difference. I can remember the wars with the Lasix issue. And I would, being unable to be in attendance there daily, as SIL is .. I would argue the point with her, that she has to take it daily, as rx'd .. and her argument would be that she just can't be running to the bathroom all the time, and that her mobility is so bad .. she can't get there in time, .. and wets herself, and I'd respond to that, "that's why we have Depends here for you, .. you need to consider wearing those, .. you have to take the Lasix .. you can't keep doing this, .. and not take it, and then double up on it, and cause yourself dehydration and getting weakened, that isn't sufficient, that's not gonna work".
Round and round and round the above would go, time and time and time again. BUT .. I wasn't there daily, around the clock to supervise. And yes, I'd be called to the front, time and time again, to help manage the fallout.
Things, in many many ways, are much more stable .. with SIL here in attendance to her mom's well being. Many ways. But isn't that what I said ...???....she needs more help than I can provide her.
Yes, SIL had remarked, when she talked of her husband coming back this way in March, her words: "Yea, I told him, .. I need him here, to go get groceries, to walk the dog, run errands, pick up rx's, .. do the dishes, .. he's so helpful .. it's hard when you have to do ALL OF IT".
I didn't say anything, (always tactful, but my brain screams to lash out). I wanted to say, so badly: "That's what I WAS SAYING SO MANY TIMES, from every roof top I could find and shouting it ... to deaf ears ... I can't keep doing this ... I can't be here to do all the cooking, the errands, sit with her, mind her meds .. her doc appts .. her procedures/tests .. her dog's needs .. not and manage my own life too!".
I said nothing though. Remained quiet.
MIL looked good. She is obviously being well cared for. She is frail, as always, but she looked much better than in the weeks following the nasty fall she took.
See, the shame of it all is this. I had screamed it to every corner, that I can't keep doing this, as SIL would waltz off yet again .. and the tried and true mantra spouted time and time again, "She seems to be doing okay", and off she'd go .. then send directives my way by the dozens ..
I backed out of it all, entirely.
Now if the plan going forward (which I'm not aware of) is that SIL and her husband will reside here, to care for her ... if that's the plan going forward ... then maybe somebody needs to get us in the loop here. If there is assistance to be had here, as to the management of MIL and her well being .. then fine .. I will step in, in some ways of my choosing and my ability, to offer SIL and her husband some respite from it all. I can certainly pitch in on occasion .. and haul MIL to a doc appt., or go pick up a dog treat .. or an rx .. or whatever, .. more than happy to do it.
IF .......................
It's not all on me to do, ALL OF IT ... ALL THE TIME.
If the plan is ... "oh we're going to just stay here for several months, and then go back home and take mother with us when we go, but we will just plan to be here for several months out of the year, going forward".
If that's the plan .. then yes, I would be willing to engage in some of it, to help her.
But, as of right now, .. no one has brought us up to speed on any plan of action, at all.
Thus, I am not eager at all, to step up to the plate, lest it be seen that Dorker has decided to turn course, and take the bull by the horns again and run with it. Nope, Dorker has not seen that as a course of action, .. not even slightly.
I will "help" .. if that's what is to transpire, .. but I'm not doing the bulk of it, as was once the case. Not by a long shot.
Ahh but that same ole, .. nobody talks to anybody, rears it's ugly head. This person, SIL, who can move mountains when it comes to the well being of her mom, and run faster on that hamster wheel than anybody ever known to man. She can't .. sit down and "talk" about what the plans are, if any, and maybe let's make a game plan of who can do what, to help.
Absent any knowledge (and no I'm not going to probe the whole thing .. that has been done in times past ... my trying to get more help, all to deaf ears) , absent any knowledge of what the plan is going forward. Status quo as to my participation. I'm out of it.
If someone would like to bring me up to speed as to what's the path forward, .. then maybe there could be some brain-storming on how to best work with the situation.
Sounds like SIL has realized her mother cannot live alone anymore but SIL doesn’t know the solution.
My mother too used to say she had no appetite- but when she visited with us and was served at our table she would polish off the entire plate!
Keep us in the loop and enjoy your day.
We'd gone to meet with MIL & SIL last week, for a dinner out. Was surprised that MIL actually did get herself ready to go, .. clothes changed, make up on, etc. She did this without assistance.
However, .. as we were all standing there ready to leave the house, to head to the restaurant, .. she .. on her walker, .. let go of the walker momentarily, to grab the tv remote from the table right at her side, and over she was going. Fortunately DH was standing right there, to steady her, or she'd of been in the floor.
I gasped, standing farther away than DH who was right there. SIL heard this and appeared from the other room, cautioning, "Mother remember you have to hold onto that walker, you know that, if you're standing, you have to hold onto the walker, .. you can't let go of it".
Something that simple, that harmless, .. .just a moment of taking your hands off of a stable source, and over she was going.
If anyone thinks she is a candidate for the same ole mantra, "Now I'll be fine", they should think long and hard about it.
She isn't. Just that fast, she was going .. from just a mere momentary lapse of letting go of her source of stabilization, the walker.
Heard nothing of any plans to uproot MIL, while at this dinner out. I didn't ask.
But .. I did hear that SIL's husband is to return here next month, and MIL said, (wish I'd of asked her to elaborate) .. her words, "I sure hope he's bought a one-way ticket".
Of course, my thoughts on that, (but I didn't ask for any expansion on the topic) ... "so I guess the stance here is that SIL and her husband then uproot their lives, to come here, so that you don't have to leave your home ... indefinitely ...??......I would imagine that's gonna wear thin in time. But I didn't say that out loud.
I'm not part of any solution here, thus I'm not gonna stick my big nose in it and be a problem either.
I found it all kinda interesting. Hard to articulate but it was almost as if SIL was trying to make light of any shortcomings/deficiencies evidenced in MIL and her demeanor and functionality.
At one point, MIL clamored to find from her memory bank (unsuccessfully), what item was it that so and so ordered the last time we were here at this restaurant, it was so good, I wish I could remember what that was ... my asking her, "was it an appetizer?", her responding, "No, I don't remember", me asking, .. "who ordered it, was it one of us?". Her responding, "no I don't remember". On and on this went for a few minutes, MIL stating, "you know I don't have a damn brain anymore, I can't remember anything".
SIL then chiming in (minimizing what is being evidenced here .. ya think) .. "Mother, now you don't have that problem when we're at home, .. what's going on with you, .. that's not something you struggle with".
Minimizing.
Further, MIL looking over the menu, pondering what to have for dinner, and she said to me, specifically to me, .. "you know, I really just don't have much of an appetite any more, I really don't care much, I just don't have an appetite". SIL then chiming in, "W-H-A-T .....?!?!..... Mother, you eat everything I fix for you, every morsel of it, I'm doing all the cooking, and every time, you eat every bite of it .. you have a great appetite".
That last exchange, particularly interesting to me in the respect that was one of my beefs .. before I exited the scene there. Saying she doesn't manage, my mantra. She didn't eat well, .. because her mobility impedes the ability to do so. Her nutrition was poor, sans the one meals on wheel she gets daily .. and I suppose she picked at that, but outside of that, .. and before that was a mainstay of her daily existence, her nutrition was horrible ... and it was precisely because her mobility is an issue. This too, an issue I shouted from the rooftops. She wouldn't eat good, not healthy nutritional value foods. She'd routinely eat a few crackers and a grape or two or three, for dinner, and call it done. That's fine, .. for a night or two here or there, but not as a mainstay of one's diet. It would result in her growing weaker and more frail, .. no energy at all, no fuel on board. That too, an issue I harped on, .. to no avail, for too long. The fact MIL will eat, .. she indeed will, and does have a healthy appetite, as long as she has someone to prepare it for her .. and even better sit with her.
But now, SIL is living it I suppose, being the one there to prepare all meals. And then MIL lamenting she has no appetite any longer. Quite the contrary .. she's always had an appetite .. even when she didn't have anyone in attendance there daily .. as long as someone else would prepare it.
Was sharing this last tidbit with DD .. as she'd been there in the days prior, kids in tow, for a visit. She remarked, of the above discussion, DD's words: "Yea when I was there SIL made lunch for all of us, and SIL remarked, that MIL will eat it, if she fixes it, and that if she isn't there, . she guesses MIL just wouldn't eat ...".
DOH!!!! Maybe Dorker wasn't so wrong afterall! Ya think?
All in all, it was a good visit, a brief one, but a good visit. MIL seemed to thoroughly enjoy having our company and an *outing* of sorts. It did wear her out, like you'd see, I suppose, from someone who has run a marathon. She even remarked, that on days when she does her hair, that's all she does .. it's all she can do. On days that she showers, that's all she does, it's all she can do. And she was completely spent from this one outing .. it was all she could do. I'm sure, to her, it did feel as though she'd run a marathon.
I guess MIL and SIL have stumbled upon yet one more ... procedure/device/treatment, whatever. Her bad knees. She has horrible knees, knees that need to be replaced. But she doesn't want to undergo TKR (wise choice IMO). What she has done instead, is to go every 3 months for steroid injections to deal with the pain of bad knees. That does offer her relief, for a while. But this last visit to the ortho doc .. they asked, if there isn't something else they can do, short of TKR .. and they were told of some substance that can be injected, .. congruent with steroid injections, this .. is supposed to offer her longer periods of time without pain. They are to begin that regiment.
I didn't ask a lot of questions. There'd of been a time I'd of been front and center, .. on all things MIL and treatments/procedures/devices, you name it. That ship has sailed, for me.
If it offers her relief, all well and good. But that is to begin .. I don't know shortly ..and so SIL in attendance, as the above commences.
I don't know of any plan to make any big moves, but I didn't ask, and don't intend to.
I've been working my little p/t job .. and playing with my grandchildren .. and helping with DH's biz . and we have a trip on the radar to see my mom.
That's about the size of things on this end, at this point.
I know you're staying out of it (as you should be doing!), but I was wondering if you've heard anything further, perhaps as an aside from H.
When I read your latest, i felt like I'm not the only one. My dad's pat reply for everything is "what I want, when I want, how I want and that's how I want it, PERIOD." No regard for the consequences or how his choices affect or impact anyone as long as it's his way. I wish I could say, not my circus, not my monkey, damn he is my monkey but I try to stay out of his circus.
You help me stay strong in my resolve to not get sucked in, I just want to say Thank You for sharing your story, it helps.
PS: I wish I had to little g-babies around to wear me out listening to baby belly laughs, you are blessed to have 3 dear babies so near to give you joy amidst the drama mama MIL.
That ole dead horse that has been beat to death, it serves a purpose. In my case, .. I don't ask for it, .. I don't seek it out, .. but the recollections of the things that brought me to the point I'm at, .. the things that pop to mind, .. they serve a purpose, at least for me, .. to re-cement the mindset of why things have turned in this direction. I guess, in the end, the beating a dead horse thing .. it's not all bad.
I was recalling one of the last times I was involved in her care, .. the hospital confinement. The one that happened, .. about the time the newborn twins were a few weeks old. The fine folks in this forum imploring me to stay back .. don't go .. stay detached. SIL not yet here in attendance to the whole thing .. and DH .. far too busy .. and so off I went .. to the hospital.
In that setting you found a furious MIL .. because there was an alarm on the bed, and she, prohibited from exiting the bed without an attendant. This had her most upset! She wanted to be given clearance to get out of the bed if she needs to, without having someone attend to her. And that was her gripe. And oh did she ride that gripe!
I remember speaking to an attendant in the hallway out of MIL's ear shot .. and expressing that to this attendant .. as a gripe of her's .. but that she truly is so very unstable, .. maybe they could at least, for show, .. evaluate her ability to do so .. and that would then maybe satisfy her that they hear her, and a decision could be made, based on that merit (which I knew wouldn't change the order of the day .. she so unsteady in her gait).
I don't know if it was because I initiated it, or because she'd griped enough .. or if it was ordered anyway .. but soon enough .. here came some PT folks into the room. Their visit was to ascertain her abilities (or lack thereof) to be able to navigate out of the bed, to the restroom on her own, and if she passes said eval .. then they will remove bed alarm and she can then get out of bed on her own.
Thank the heavens for these two individuals that showed up. They were so .. there was a good cop/bad cop .. they were so very professional. I think of the one gal, .. very professional .. a take no chit sort .. but ... very professional about it. The guy that showed up of this PT team, the good cop .. very kind, soft spoken, said little.
If you can just picture, .. now they arrive on the scene there .. and they explain to her the purpose for their visit . that they understand her disdain with the whole bed alarm process and they want to afford her the opportunity to be able to navigate on her own, if she's able, so their purpose there is to evaluate that .. and a decision can then be made.
I was sitting right there, in the room as all this was going on.
The gal PT .. asked of MIL, "how do you get around at home?". She said, "Well I use my cane .. but I try not to .. I don't want to have to depend on that" (like you get some prize for being able to walk without the use of a device). I chimed in at that point, "uhm, she has been urged by all her docs that she needs to use a walker, 100% of the time, but she refuses, .. she uses her cane .. when she hasn't left one of the 10 she owns .. at the other end of the house .. in which case, she walks around holding onto furniture".
This got a look shot at me, .. to shut up (via MIL).
So the PT gal said to MIL: "Alright, well here's your cane, what we're going to do is have you get up on your own here, and get yourself the few steps to the bathroom and let's see how you do .. we're going to stand by here and watch in case you need help .. ".
Well MIL . now you would think is her moment to shine .. so she can finally have the bed alarm, the cussed thing removed from her existence. So she is instructed to sit up on the side of the bed, and here's your cane .. and go ahead and let's have you do that.
She gets to the side of the bed, cane in hand .. and up she attempts to get .. and falls back onto the bed ... and she then verbalizes, "oh I have such a hard time getting up .. I usually have to really work at it, to get up" (you would've thought she'd be cognizant enough to shut up and not say those things .. if the purpose here is for them to evaluate that she can actually get up and make forward progress on her own). But no, she verbalizes out loud, how hard it is for her to get UP .. her words. She then .. attempts again, .. and back onto the bed she falls .. again lamenting out loud, how hard it is for her to get up. I'm sitting there now, silent, not saying a word. Finally on the 3rd or 4th attempt she does now get upright .. and the guy PT .. standing right there, this I suppose .. both of them right at her side, but not hands outstretched .. I suppose only in case she should begin to fall .. the guy PT .. standing right there, she then grabs ahold of his arm, now that she's upright .. and says to him, "would it be okay if I just hold onto your arm here .. if you will just let me hold onto your arm here .. and I'll go ahead and make my way here with my cane, I do so much better if I have someone to hold onto".
I'm sitting there thinking, but not saying anything out loud, "THIS IS WHY THEY PUT A DAMN BED ALARM ON ... you can't even get up right and make forward progress with a cane, this is why they want you using a WALKER 100% of the damn time ..". But I said nothing.
The guy outstretched his arm for her to hold onto and they made forward progress and then turned to return to the bed for her to sit.
The gal then got a walker, .. now what I want you to do is to use this walker, to hold onto .. I want you to get up .. and then use this walker, and we're going to walk as far out as into the hallway here .. we just want to see how you do.
Of course, the same as above, the struggle to get upright .. still present. But that finally achieved and now she is progressing forward, holding onto a walker .. and out into the hallway they go, and then back and onto the bed again.
This is when the gal PT said, "you see .. you really need to be using that walker 100% of the time .. your doctors have told you that .. and you see, that cane is just not steady enough for you any longer .. you had to hold onto this guy's arm when you were using just your cane, that isn't steady .. you need to be using this walker 100% of the time, .. will you do that?".
Her response, .. an exaggerated .. exasperated .. "well yes, okay .. if that's what you want me to do .. I'll do it", .. very much said with sarcasm dripping off it. And that was picked up by everyone in the room. I then chimed in with a demonstrative shaking of my head, that no .. she won't ... and said out loud, .. "this isn't the first time this issue has been visited .. she wont' do it ... what do you do with these folks .. they need that for their stability to ambulate but they refuse to do it". Said it, out loud, in front of her.
To that she turned in my direction and said, "you are in cahoots with them .. and you can leave ...". To which the PT gal then chimed in with a whole explanation about the devices and measures that one needs to employ to keep themselves safe .. and so forth and so on .. (fortunately .. she diverted that verbal onslaught from MIL) and the conversation then turned to what the PT gal was describing as the things we do to keep ourselves safe and from hopefully a fall, .. and so forth. MIL not buying into this. her main concern again that she kept circling back to, .. well can I get out of the bed here .. will I now be able to get out of this bed without waiting for someone to assist me here". And that was denied her, no they wouldn't be putting that as a recommendation for her.
They stayed a few more minutes discussing the ins and outs of what we need to do as we age .. as to keeping ourselves safe, etc. And then they were off and gone.
MIL .. was none to happy with the whole situation and I think to a lesser extent displeased with my input into the whole thing. I didn't care.
She then turning to me, after they'd left the room, "you know these people, they can send in here any number of whoever they want .. and they can recommend whatever they think .. in the end you know, I'm going to do just as I damn well please".
I responded to that, "Well I think what they are saying makes sense, .. that's the reason why your PCP has recommended the same, .. and we're always stressing to you, that you need to use a walker, all the time, .. a cane just doesn't provide the support you need any longer, .. I agree with their assessment".
She then saying to me: "Well I don't care who agrees, I'm going to, in the end, do as I damn well please .. these people aren't going to be in my home when I get back there, to make me do it and I will do just as I please once I get home".
I then (futile) trying to reason with her, .. "don't you think it'd be a better option to keep yourself safe if you would come to the realization that a walker makes it more stable for you to be able to move about .. and keep you from falling .. doesn't that make more sense to you".
Her responding now in the same exaggerated exasperated dripping in sarcasm tone, "well yes, .. that's what I'll do .. I'll just do just as I'm told then".
You could tell she was done talking about it and now being a smart azz.
I thought to myself ... why am I even here ...???....
This is after I had all but stepped out of all of it .. the twins now here, mere weeks old, DD recovering from a hysterectomy .. and I'd been on that scene but had been pulled away to attend to MIL now hospitalized .. SIL not yet here from 1K miles away and a thousand questions .. that needed someone in attendance there, to ask .. and help to navigate .. and DH "far too busy to be there on the scene for when the docs come and go". So off I'd gone.
I sat there and thought to myself, "Why am I here?, ... I don't want to be here, I don't enjoy this .. I didn't enjoy arguing with my kids when they were little and I knew what was best, and this feels much the same, arguing with someone who doesn't even know what's best for them .. only it's not even my mom .. and I have newborn g'kids and a daughter that needs my attention and here I sit arguing with a recalcitrant old woman .. why am I even here".
The things that pop into your brain without you even summoning them. The dead horse that has been beat to a bloody pulp at this point.
The things that pop into your brain as reminders of how/why things have gotten to the stage they are presently.
The same hospital visit where DH had been present and said to his mom that there needs to be discussion as to what the plans are going forward that it's no longer safe that she live alone .. and her snapping at him that she is not a village idiot and can make her own decisions and if that's how he "loves" her, that he thinks he's going to come in there and run roughshod over her and tell her what is to be done .. then he too can leave .. and him expressing to her, "but mother .. you don't manage well, when things get derailed, it's me you call upon .. and you want me to leave and not bother with you?". Her telling him, "well if that's how you think you need to be a part of my life telling me what you're going to do as to my well being .. then yes, I won't call upon you any longer and you can go". Just ugly.
And her having told SIL (and SIL bought it) that DH had been "ugly" to her.
I wasn't there when this conversation took place between he and she . but it sounded eerily familiar to about the same demeanor that transpired as to the above with my presence, a walker vs a cane and my input into the whole thing. I doubt that DH was "ugly" to her, .. probably matter of fact .. probably cut to the chase .. probably not all cushy and warm and fuzzy .. but not "ugly". Yet she'd gone on to tell SIL that DH had been "ugly" to her, and SIL bought that . .. she'd gone on to tell the niece the same thing. Niece did not buy it .. niece has seen her own rodeo with two parents that she's dealt with.
These things just pop into your head .. along with remembering her refusal to take her Lasix as she should and the routine fallout that would occur along that issue. The refusal to follow a diet that would be better suited for those with Diverticulitis and the fallout that would ensue along that issue ..
Just all of it that comes to mind again . beating a damn dead horse with a club ..
All of this, the latest to crop up in this brain of mine .. all because.
DH .. he and I sitting and watching some of the Olympics on tv .. and out pops the following remarks from him out of nowhere:
"I've GOT TO get myself out to see my mom".
Me: "Is your mom finally up to an outing .. do you know .. could we maybe meet them at that seafood place we all so like to go to .. do you know if she's up for that these days . or is she still housebound?".
Him: "I don't know .. I just know that sister was telling me that mother gets SO sad .. at the thought of having to leave her home .. she just doesn't want to have to leave her home, she's so sad".
Me: "Oh you talked to your sister, when did you guys talk about that?"
I'm thinking he and she have been in touch. Nope.
Him: "The other day when we were by there to work on clearing her gutters".
Me: "Oh .. was MIL sitting there and you guys talked about how it makes her so sad to have to leave her home?".
Him: "No, she was inside, SIL and I were outside on the deck talking .. and she said that mother gets so sad at the thought of having to leave her home ... that she just doesn't want to leave .. she loves her home .. but she also knows that she NEEDS sister and sister can't stay here forever, sister has to go home ... ".
Me thinking .. ahh so there is a plan then .. and wonder when this is to transpire. But I didn't ask, why bother. The answer would've been "I don't know". I didn't ask.
Me responding: "I hate to say it, because that's your mom . but you almost wish that big cloud in the sky that she's waiting to come get her .. you wish it would come .. just so she could avoid the sadness this causes her".
Him: "Yea .. you wish she could just pass .. from her home .. where she wants to be".
Me: "But .. if that isn't gonna happen .. it's sad yes .. I hate it for her .. but she has needed help for a lot longer than this .. she has been able to stay in her home a lot longer than maybe was safe for her to do so .. so yea it's sad .. it's unfortunate .. but there are worse things".
Him now attuned to what's on tv .. and no more dialogue on the above. I dropped it.
So it was later .. .the above all came to my brain .. popping along as just a further cemented reminder of how/why things are at this stage with Dorker far removed .. and SIL dancing on that hamster wheel turning it ever harder, and DH .. the indent on the sideline bench growing ever deeper.
And yes those precious babies .. they are a lot of work that this ole gal wears out from routinely but I so enjoy them. They are absolutely the light of my life, their smiles, their giggles, their downy soft hair, listening to them breathe in excitement when something excites them ... watching them as they navigate around .. the boy just rolls wherever he wants to go .. he's a tanker of a little kid .. and the little girl .. so slight, so petite .. and she ... now crawling ... they are absolutely precious. They WEAR ME OUT ........ but I am alone with them a lot, helping DD when she needs someone to sit with them. Just had them all day the other day as DD and YD worked to do YD's hair into a different color and cut her hair and style it, etc etc. I did baby duty. Sitting them in the high chairs to feed them baby food, and getting an actual giggle out of watching them .. they are so impatient .. .wanting their spoon of food shoveled in ... and I've got one hand, to feed two babies .. and one hollering if the other is being shoveled some food. It's just hilarious. And the 4 yo .. taking her when I can .. to do something interesting and enjoyable, .. she is such a love. I'd gone over the other night to watch all 3 of them while the mommy and daddy ran out to do some things. Pulled up into their d/w and out comes the 4 yo running to me, in her nightgown already bathed .. and running to me with open arms, "NANNA!" .. couldn't get to me fast enough. Melts my heart to nothing but putty. Thank GOD I have g'children here in this same city and a daughter that calls upon me routinely for help .. I so enjoy it.
What I meant is in the context that SIL lives 1000 miles from her mom and that you probably live close enough to at least keep an eye on your mom more easily than SIL would, as she resorts to texts and micromanaging from afar.
Through my 39 years of being a RN I have learned that you can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink. I’ve spent years trying to educate people and will never give up as it is my job, but I can’t browbeat them into doing what I think is the right thing. I’ve also been burned many times trying to guide family to do things my way and don’t think it’s worth it anymore. People are going to do what they choose and my way is not necessarily their way. I can only control me. But I’ve also mellowed with age + career and choose to let things go that I can’t control. That doesn’t mean I don’t step up if a family or friend needs my expertise as I can be a typical New Jersey in your face girl, but I reserve that for when needed & kindness and politeness has failed.
It’s all good - everyone has their own way and it’s not for me to judge them one way or another.
One time my mother called me a bully - in trying to reason with her - someone who had become incapable of reason from dementia default. Ummm, seriously? Just which tree did she think this little apple had fallen from? But I am learning and am much improved. After all, beating a dead house just makes a terrible mess and leaves the club holder sweaty and exhausted. Anyhooo -
Another personality trait or nasty habit I’m working on is somewhat related to the dead horse- I’ll call it phase two.
That’s when phase one - the horse - has proven to be a complete fail so you take matters into your own hands.
I could or could have (past tense) no more sat on the bleachers and watched this cluster-f than I could fly. I would have been on the phone, on the computer, driving all roads and byways and hyways doing whatever necessary to get MIL out of my hair and off to whatever type of facility- or SIL home - wherever - since DH and SIL seem incapable. No matter if it made me angry and resentful- no matter if it made anyone and everyone else angry and resentful. A bully? Yeah, probably.
The honest truth is that I admire Dorker, your ability to step back WITHOUT screaming “I told you so” or “CANT YOU PEOPLE DO ANYTHING”, etc.
Dorker, you have the patience of a saint! Do NOT let anyone make you think you are in the wrong or that you’re a bad person. After all, that little kid in the crowd was right - the emperor was indeed naked and if he had anyone at home who really loved him - they would have told him he was naked before he had left the castle and embarrassed himself with all his junk swinging in the wind.
So how do you reconcile the two - saying “umm...naked” and not beating the poor dead horse? Exactly as Dorker has. With grace and patience. And by visiting those grandbabies and getting a great big snootful of that fabulous baby smell - the good stuff right on the top of their downy soft head after a bath. Best calming effect on the planet. What are they now - about seven months old? That’s entering peak adorability!
The prevailing thought here seems to be that it's SIL's and Dorker's H's fault that MIL is in the situation she is in. But is that really fair? I'm not sure why SIL should be embarrassed if the medical professionals find out MIL is living alone.
MIL is competent, and so in full control. SHE is the one who insists on living alone. We know she doesn't like all the fussing done by SIL. So she probably has no intention of ever moving to IL to live with SIL.
I DO tell the medical professionals that my mother lives alone. About a year ago (when I was still going into the dr. appts. with my mother), I brought up the dizzy spell a week earlier that had my mother clutching her rollator for quite a while before finally dropping to the floor and crawling to the phone (her life alert button was in another bathroom).
After I told the dr., she asked me if I thought my mother should be living alone. I said that my brothers and I were starting to question it. Then she told me my mother needs social support and someone to call her every day to see what she needs.
I just looked at her. I don't take slave assignments from medical professionals. And now it's a year later, my mother is more unsteady on her feet, and her hearing is failing even more. My mother makes all the decisions. She has chosen to not hire someone to help her. That's fully her decision.
I don't really understand why Dorker's MIL is a different situation.
The other analogy I keep thinking of is "she ain't heavy, she's my mother." SIL is flogging herself along because her mother only needs "a little help, a little support, a little carrying" to lead her "normal" life and, er, manage.
Well I never did find that war story very satisfactory. All very touching and noble and on-message, sure, but what about the realities? How far did the brave self-sacrificing soldier get, hm? Did the two of them make it home, do we know?
Truth is, MIL is quite heavy and getting heavier, isn't she SIL, let's face it. And even more to the point, she is not your mother.
Home health care providers usually will not make a fuss about an elderly person’s living conditions if, on their visits, the Senior appears fairly well kept, appears safe, there is food in her refrigerator and she looks clean and groomed.
In my capacity as a home care nurse that’s what I would assume, although if there was any doubt the senior (or any of my patients) were unsafe I had a few options; get an order for a social worker to come in and evaluate the situation or call APS, which I did have to do a handful of times.
SIL can very easily keep up the facade that MIL is cared for 24/7 while she is here.
And...if SIL IS or IS NOT actively making a plan to move her mom “wherever”, I would think she would, out of courtesy at least, let the family know what her plan is. That’s why I, at this point, think there IS no plan. SIL would realize she needs help to clean out the house and get DH involved, as well as begin to get copies of MIL’s medical records & other personal paperwork ready for the move. There’s just no activity on that end. Also, common courtesy would be for SIL to inform you and DH that this is what’s going to happen & ask for help to facilitate the move.
SIL lack of communication says it all...nothing is planned, MIL will get stabilized, SIL will get a plane ticket home, & it’ll be status quo until the next event.
SIL wouldn’t be spiteful and omit telling you and keeping you out of the loop, would she, Dorker? I hope not.
I would stay detached, Dorker, as DH apparently is a bit clueless (or so you think because it appears that his family does not communicate & you don’t really know otherwise).
It’s an awful spot for you to have to cope with their inability to plan anything because, again,it’s not your mom & it is SIL & DH’s responsibility after all, not yours.
I wouldn’t even bring it up anymore. If DH begins to discuss a plan then I would hear him out and support him only to get her settled in an AL or to IL.
I would be so disgusted & pi*#ed off by now that if I were you, I would just ignore them, or else every day of yours would be ruined. They need to get their act together, and if it requires MIL to crash and burn, they can’t say they were not warned.
Hang in there Dorker and go about your life enjoying your grandkids and whatever else keeps you busy and happy.
I myself don’t believe in beating a dead horse. Let it, and them, go. Go visit your mom soon too. Keep us posted.
Congratulations. You’ve just talked yourself back in from the ledge once again.
I so admire your willingness to examine your motives and not allow yourself off the hook without taking your own inventory.
The pattern has been one of, SIL trying to make all appts for a time when she is here and can facilitate same.
I know there was a cardio appointment that MIL was to have seen to, in SIL's absence here, .. this was all bandied about, about the time of the storms here .. and MIL not wanting to go. And SIL trying to urge (this is after I stepped out of it all) that I take her .. and MIL .. (MIL staying here to weather the storm at that point in time) her demeanor was one, she didn't want to go to the appointment. MIL not aware that SIL was trying to *nudge* me into taking her for said appointment. SIL's words at that time, "it's just too hard for her, I hate for to miss the appointment, .. but it's just so hard for her to try to navigate this stuff .. it's just too hard for her". I remember wanting to scream at SIL at the time, "but she's fine, she manages, RIGHT?!?!??!". I declined the push to facilitate said visit, and MIL cancelled it, thinking she'd be on her own to get herself ready and get there to said appointment.
That's just one for instance that comes instantly to mind, of where MIL will cancel an appointment if it's on her, solely, to get there.
I know when I used to accompany her to appointments, it was never asked of me, "does she live alone, does she have to manage all this on her own?". That question was never asked.
I suppose, SIL doesn't get asked that either, .. and SIL .. apparently .. not proactive in seeing to it that her mother does live alone, and should she ..???....what's their professional opinion .. I presume she doesn't state that fact to the healthcare folks.
Just so much of this recollection alone, brings into focus, why I stepped away. SIL leaving, .. the whole mantra each and every time, .. "she seems to be doing okay, she's managing", and MIL with her, "Now I know what I need to do here, and I will do it, I will be fine" .. and me in the b'ground, "BUT IT'S NOT FINE .......... ", and no one listening to me. And SIL then beckoning me into service continually. And my protests of "but she's supposedly fine ... she's managing, then why am I in the road constantly for all this need, if she's managing .. then she can manage it". Met with a response of "I know, she's just so stubborn, I don't know what we're going to do with her".
I guess healthcare providers, ... maybe they're busy .. .and over worked .. and understaffed, I don't know, who knows. But for whatever the reasons .. it doesn't seem they ask that poignant question, "how do you manage all this ...??.....do you have someone that stays with you to help you?". That question never got asked, at least when I was on the front with it all.
I think of one of the last times I was on the front with it all, and a doc visit. MIL had been so sick with a stomach virus, .. diarrhea .. etc .. for days. Now weakened .. and even further compromised, .. this after hauling out to her (her refusing a doc visit) ... the BRAT diet things .. and staying with her, to try to keep her hydrating ..and help. She finally did cave in and agree to be taken to the doc. There, they wanted her to provide a urine sample, .. they wanted her to go to a separate location for a CT scan, they wanted her to go a 3rd separate location for blood/lab work. She couldn't do any of the above. Even though I was transport for same. It was too much for her .. she was far too weakened. Any of us would find that troublesome, if we'd been sick for days, but probably navigable. But she was far too weakened to withstand that, and she began to cry and plead that she can't do all that, she just isn't able to do it. The doc then suggested that she go right across the street to the ER .. would I take her, .. and they can then do all the above, in one setting. That met with much protest on her part, as she thought they'd keep her, "admit" her. It was explained to her, that unless something grave is found, they will let her go .. this all to try to determine what's going on. She finally acquiesced and across the street to the ER we went. Spent most of the day and into the evening there.
That was one of the last times I was on the front with the whole saga that is MIL's "managing" and her existence.
I remember thinking at that time .. "what would they do if I wasn't able to handle all this with her?, she'd of no sooner been able to get herself to a doc visit than the man on the moon, much less get across the street to the ER". And THIS is what they call "managing, she's fine .. she manages".
Didn't seem to matter how much I protested that she DOES NOT manage.
I was recalling another time that I was there on site .. and MIL was supposed to be taking her morning meds .. and she was eating her breakfast ever so slowly .. that's fine, eat slowly .. but get your meds out and begin to work on that. No, she'd do it later ... she'd browse thru the newspaper, she'd take another bite .. she'd stop and talk some, .. me reminding her .. incessantly "you need to get those morning pills out" .. and on and on she'd go .. no ... not taking the pills right now, then a long diatribe about how much she hates taking pills, that she isn't one of those pill poppers .. and so on .. and it now approaching late morning .. and pills still not on board, .. and my reminders met with, "oh I'll do it in a little while".
That was just one instance, when I was there . on the scene. I can imagine what happens when no one is there, to force the issue. In fact, I know what happened .. she didn't take them consistently. And when you ask why, the answer would be, "Well I hate taking pills .. you know that Lasix stuff .. that makes me have to get to the bathroom all the time, .. and you know I can barely get one foot in front of the other on a good day .. and so I hate taking that, .. and that other pill, .. that one .. I have to take it with food .. and I didn't want anything to eat .. ", on and on it would go. But this is someone who "she's managing, she does okay", or her words, "I know what I have to do and I will do it, I will manage here".
Sometimes, reflecting back on some of these things and more, .. it cements my mindset that I did the only thing I could do, step away from the madness.
The results haven't been what I thought they'd be ...
Thus the reason I suppose, that I fall into the pitts of, "maybe I'm the one out to lunch here, .. what do I know, I'm not healthcare professional, .. maybe the fact that even the healthcare folks don't seemingly recommend they look at alternatives ... maybe it's just me .. and I'm clueless here".
But reflecting on the above and so much more, .. it cements it all again. She doesn't manage .. she truly does not .. and it's not my fault that her offspring fail to see that and address it, for her own safety and well being.
She is doing relatively well presently .. so I hear. But .. she also has SIL there in attendance, .. there is no need for her to get in the car to go get specialty dog treats and dog foods, vet visits, dog grooming appts., .. SIL is doing it. No need for her to get in the car, .. or GOD FORBID .. accept grocery delivery ... SIL is doing it. No need for her to have to navigate on her own, doc appts .. SIL is there to facilitate same .. no problem with taking meds, SIL is there to see to it, it's followed through.
Maybe on some level .. it would've been nice to hear the words or some semblance there of .. "gee ya know you're right .. I'm here doing everything but breathe for her .. she really just doesn't manage on her own .. it's really not good .. we're going to have to get her to sit down and make a plan here .. a plan that doesn't look like, her living alone any longer".
To hear those words .. would've been so affirming. But I haven't, and won't be, doesn't look like.
I guess, for whatever the reason .. it suffices (it wouldn't for me) for SIL .. that she walk every step, breathe every breath and manage her mom's life ... like she is presently doing and has been doing since she came here, only intending to stay for xmas and then return home.
Feeling better about it all though, in the long run.
Whenever Mother had PT/OT afterone of her numerous surgeries, she made sure was dressed, full makeup and full "flirty" mode on. Told the PT guy she was "working so hard" (when in fact she never did an exercise w/o him by her side) and I know he didn't buy it.
After mother's last hip surgery, she was in a walker. She could stand straight and tallish..when "cutie Rudy" was there, the second he walked out the door she'd slump back into her usual "c" curve. I walked him out the door on his last visit and I asked him "What are the chances mother will be able to stand straight?Her back hurts her so much?" He said "I can see her through the window when I leave. There is ZERO chance she'll even touch those exercise bands again."
Truer words. 4 years later the bands still sit on her kitchen counter,cobweb and dust enshrouding them.
It's not that OT/PT doesn't care...they are just doing their jobs. What good would it do for them to report this to a SW or DR.? They KNOW MIL and SIL by now and know not to waste breath on their weird dynamic.
You're not out to lunch, Dorker. Far from it. Sometimes I think being clueless would be easier all around!!
And it's easier to just leave things be, right? The medical professionals don't have to deal with an elder in a dangerous living situation if a child brings her in. Assumptions are probably made that the child or other relative who brings her in takes care of her. And the therapists/nurses who come into the home assume that the relative who is there then is always there.
Even something as simple as the Coumadin clinic makes a nurse assume that I am much more involved with her than I am. A couple of visits ago, the nurse called me back after the INR check (remember, I just drive her to medical appointments and sit out in the waiting area, per her demand). She wanted to tell me the change in my mother's Coumadin regimen and wanted to print out a copy of the schedule for me, as she thought someone "oversaw" the medication for my mother.
I told her my mother lives alone, and I do not deal with her medical issues, and that she was responsible for and took all of her medications on her own.
I didn't end up getting a copy of the new Coumadin schedule. I'm sure that nurse wanted to tell me that I SHOULD be involved. I could feel the disapproval.
Well, my mother DOES take her medication according to the directions (as far as I know). And she does not want me involved. So be it. Until she's declared incompetent she will continue to run her own life, even if she makes choices that don't seem wise to others.
Detachment is good for taking a cool analytical view of a situation and seeing it clearly. But at some point the people who aren't detached - SIL, PCP, nurses et al - have to get in and grapple with MIL. And as Tolstoy put it "no plan of battle ever survived first contact with the enemy."
So less thinking you are not worthy, and more thinking "thank God she's not my mother", is how I should look at it. MIL reckons she can manage. Well, they will ALL have to manage MIL's managing. Their problem. As long as they don't attempt to make it yours, they have my sincere sympathy.
Thus, I think, always her mainstay .. one more pill, one more procedure, one more device, one more one more one more. Probably was about her existence in her long career as a school social worker. Employing and engaging numerous services, devices, etc etc .. all to the service of a child and their various issues.
Surely SIL, being on the front here and coordinating with the various clinicians assigned in the whole thing with MIL, she's had ample opportunity to seek their opinion and professional advice. One would hope anyway.
At this point, in order to lessen my own frustrations in it all, I'm telling myself .. if the folks who are professionals in this business aren't stressing to SIL that alternative arrangements need to be made, then who am I to question it. Maybe I'm the one out to lunch. I'm certainly not hands-on, there on the scene. If SIL deems it appropriate to leave her to manage, .. surely the advice and counsel of those who are in the know on such things, has been sought.
I kinda think the picture is skewed .. the picture the professionals see, .. in that SIL is present and doing everything but breathe for her mom. But surely those folks who do these home visits (PT, OT, visiting nurse) .. aren't they adept at picking up on those things?
The bottom line is .. I don't know what their plans are. For all I know, all systems are go, and there will be a big trip to IL in the coming weeks .. and MIL fully aware she will never live alone again. I really don't know, ... and have purposely removed myself from it all, and glad that I did so.
The absence of any real knowledge on it, from the horse's mouth, leaves me to the conclusion the status quo will more likely be the arrangement going forward. And MIL will be left to her "Now I will manage here, I know what I must do, and I will do it". If I've heard those words from her mouth once, I've heard them a thousand times. She doesn't, in the end, "manage", thus she falls off the rails and SIL swoops into town .. and does all but breathe for her, .. and then leaves again .. and possibly even skewing the picture along the way. So that those who are professionals in all of this, healthcare providers, .. aren't even actually seeing just how compromised she is in her daily functionality.
But I guess, as a means to deal with my own frustrations .. telling myself that the healthcare providers who are certainly more skilled at all this than lowly me, .. if they think it fine to leave her be .. then who am I to question it.
24/7 aides in her home? Not going to happen. Too expensive!
What surprises me as well is that SIL was a social worker in her career. Doesn’t she know the cost of 24/7 care?
Yep, she’ll leave MIL to DH and by default, Dorker. How selfish of both DH & SIL. And rather obtuse of them both as well, having been at her mother’s home now for almost 2 months and noting the fact that Dorker has indeed stepped back.
I don’t know what else to say that hasn’t been said already in this thread except Stay Strong, Dorker!
This has been such an eye opener for you. No doubt you’ve seen a whole other side to this family’s dynamics.
I think SIL & DH will do nothing but wait until “the event” occurs which will force their hand and put MIL in the position that MIL will have to agree with a long term plan devised by a discharge planner at a hospital recommending LTC so that SIL & DH won’t be viewed by their mother as “the bad guys” that forced their mother into LTC.
So be it.
If they are willing to take that gamble to leave MIL alone where inevitably she will meet her demise, then let them go.
I don’t think Dorker should answer that “3am” emergency phone call to her home from EMS or the hospital they take her MIL to.
Oh boy, this drama continues.