I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Okay so SIL leaves .. and the approach going forward is that we're to chip in on this "transport" service that'll be lined up .. so she can get to the grocery .. so she can get to a doc appt. Gotcha!
Okay so what happens when she falls ill from some bad cold, stomach virus .. and needs to go to doc, who does that? I guess the above service is a "car in waiting" .. is that correct? Doubtful. Who will do the above in the event of an illness?
Okay so MIL needs more of her lotions/potions as to her makeup and so forth, who is to go retrieve that? Amazon .. oh okay ... and what of the special this or that, and it's not available there?
Okay so .. who is to go get her dog's vegetarian treats for her?
Who is to go and pick her up her specialty dog food from the vet?
Who is to take her dog to the groomer?
Who is to take her dog for vet appointments. Does the above "car in waiting" service provide for this? VERY DOUBTFUL.
MIL gets ill and needs someone to go and stay with her, . who shall that be? Not you DH .. surely .. you are far too busy with your work and churching .. that doesn't ever happpen? Your daughters are all otherwise spoken for, so who? I have spoken my piece on it, and I don't support this arrangement, so who?
MIL gets hospitalized, .. who then goes to retrieve the dog and take him in? Us? And then who goes to the hospital to navigate all that goes on between health care practitioners and info provided, tests done, so forth and so on? Surely not me, .. I'm here watching precious pooch to make sure he doesn't somehow get into the other dog's (horror of horrors) normal off the shelf at the grocery store food, and that he gets let out at least every couple of hours to alleviate himself. So who? Who goes to the hospital to help your mom .. navigate all the goings on? That "car in waiting" service. I DOUBT that's gonna happen.
Your mom DOES NOT want to have to leave her home. I get it. So the decision is made she can stay there .. and a "car service" of some sort will be enlisted. But what of the above scenarios .. where does that get addressed at all? The dog suddenly falls ill or has some growth crop up (happens) and so who takes the dog for a vet appointment?
If she's going to be given the latitude to live alone .. and stay in her home, the above should be provisioned as to how it will be addressed.
My voice doesn't get heard.
I've said some of the above in times in the past .. and it's met with DH's .. "I'll just have to step up more", .. but see that hospitalization last summer, when I wanted no part of any of it, and DH was all about, "Well you have to go .. (as to the hospital) .. go get the dog and bring the dog here .. to our house .. then run out there and see if you can catch the doctor in .. and find out what's going on.. I can't be there, I have this project I'm under the gun here .. I have to get it done, and sister isn't here yet".
Off I went.
DH's famous line, "I'll have to step up more" (as opposed to actually digging in his heels that the above isn't viable) .. "I'll have to step up more", .. translation - when the water hits the wheel I'll push Dorker to do it.
I wouldn't ask this of him with regard to my parents .. if I couldn't address it, whatever "it" is, .. as to need with one of my parents .. the parent would be made to understand they will have to figure it out .. I wouldn't expect him to turn/re-route his world to go and do.
No one "expected" of me to do all that I did do for so long. I did it of my own free will, very much so. UNTIL ............ I got sick and tired of it all, and said that's it, I'm done. But then, as stated above, a hospitalization rolls around .. SIL not here .. not yet .. DH busy, under the gun, .. well who will care for the dog, who will go talk to the healthcare folks, ..
I'm sick of it. I'm at a point in my life that I've been there/done that, for a number of years .. and when I said I was done, I meant it, I'm done. She needs more care. Everyone here gets that, except the two people that need to "get it" and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
DH walked away. I did some begging and pleading and threatening, but he knew her better. She developed an aortic aneurysm, called 911 and had very ill advised surgery which advanced her dementia. She refused to so rehab and ended up starving herself to death in a NH.
She got her way. There is NOTHING you can do to change MIL. Clearly, DIL and DH see this also.
Let MIL have her way.
I would communicate to both siblings what a bad plan this is - in fact, it’s no plan at all. Shouldn’t Dorker stand up for herself and her own needs?
I would get DH and SIL together in the same room and unload on them. No more pussyfooting around.
Just my opinion, but someone has to be the adult in the room. DH & SIL are hugely in denial.
Sounds like they are talking about VA Aid & Attendance, which can take months for approval.
Dorker, before SIL leaves I would present a bullet point checklist and ask SIL & DH to write on paper what plan they have in place to fix it - from dog food to doctor visits. I wouldn’t let DH off so easily as when SIL goes and DH has to handle MIL, it’ll all be on Dorker and Dorker’s kids. Maybe they need a visual aid to see the complexity of daily care.
I would certainly let my husband know that clearly he & SIL are setting MIL up for disaster as well as DH compromising their marriage as it appears DH has no respect for his wife’s feelings or well being, at this point.
I would go down kicking & screaming. It’s obvious DH, SIL & MIL are living in a dream world.
JMO but I wouldn’t keep my rage suppressed.
Group text both of them and let them know you don’t appreciate being deceived as you thought both saw the importance and urgency of getting their mother 24/7 care and how returning to the status quo spells doom for their mother. If it starts a hoopla then so be it.
Your plan is working. Just be patient. SIL stayed 4 months this time. Next time she may have to stay 6. Her decision. Point being you have made great progress. If SIL wants to call what she is doing “balance” then it’s her willing to make the concessions. Not you.
I agree with Barb. Don’t respond. You’ve had your say and it is working.
You are not involved. (Even though SIL is still trying).
MIL would rather die sooner than later if it means leaving home.
She has her daughter to support her in that decision. That’s all she’s needed to keep it status quo.
It will be interesting to see what MIL comes up with to not go in June.
I haven't responded. And likely I won't. I have nothing kind or even diplomatic to say at this point. I could rip DH's head off his shoulders over it all, and her's too .. so I will say nothing at all.
I said all I have to say, which is that I don't agree that she should be left to live alone and that is known, my thoughts are well known .. and her needs are greater than mere transport to and fro a grocery and a doc office.
Ruined my day. And yes, I figured there'd be a way that this would all be maneuvered that MIL can be left again .. once again, on her own. As DD put it, "Ma .. you can't own someone else's problems more than they own what is theirs to own .. if they are okay with it you gotta be too .. you do what you can/if you can .. and be damned the consequences, that's all you can do".
Yes, Kimber, SIL is returning to her life .. in IL . she's been here 3 1/2 months and she has worked like a slave to right the course of it all. A stay much much longer than has been the case prior, but her mom fell this time .. and had to be brought home via ambulance .. and wasn't mobile at all, and she had to stay longer. So now, she is returning to her life .. in IL .. and I presume, .. she thinks this mere alignment of transport services will service the need for her mom, and if she thinks she will engage me in it all, from afar, think again . not going to happen. Not yellow room, or otherwise.
I am not completely without heart .. if there is need and I am available, depending on what that need is ... I may accommodate .. but I may not also.
Let her children figure it out. If she falls, don't go the the hospital. Let discharge planning do it's thing
Stay out. No dog treats or damn vet visits. No cleaning up the dog poo. No running MIL a cantaloupe because she forgot one. No taking her to the DR. Leave them to figure this out. Ignore texts from your SIL - apparently your DH feels comfortable doing this. No yellow room as even a temporary option.
You don't have to engage. If your MIL's own children do not care enough about her to be realistic and force the issue - they can deal with the fall out. My prediction - within 2 weeks of SIL going home and dog sitting for her daughter - your MIL will fall and break something - she will be in the hospital and likely start failing and end up in the nursing home. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED TO MY VERY STUBBORN DAD.
I whispered, "is there a problem somewhere?". He .. with chagrin, responded, "sister".
I let it go.
Then after church, I asked him, "is there a problem with your mom, everything okay?".
He pulled his phone off his hip and looked at it again, and read .... it read in part that her husband is returning here, today as a matter of fact, .. and that he has a pinched nerve in his back that he will have to have some PT here locally to deal with it, .. and that their mom .. she is now receiving outpatient PT (btw .. she will cancel that outpatient PT as soon as sister isn't here to see to it, seen it, worn it, been there/done that, too many times to count), it read in part about the outpatient PT that is now in place, .. he put the phone back on his hip...............???............I think ..... having not read it completely and went on with whatever else was on his radar, never to view it again.
So yes, she probably did send that long winded/long winding text to him a few days ago and never got any response.
He put the phone back on his hip saying this: "Why is she texting me on Sunday morning .. she knows I'm in church", and never looked at it again.
Now the above observation. There is a point where I made a conscious decision to not even push him. I, of course, at that point, this was on Sunday .. wasn't aware of all the above. I did see him pull that up, after church, sitting here in the den, .. and his almost annoyance at why is she bothering me at church ..
I did have a moment of "well maybe you better read the entire thing, why would she just send you a report of sorts ... ".
But I, out of the loop, no dog in this fight, no voice in it, . left it be .. didn't push him (as I'd of done in times past) to read it all, .. and ask him to elaborate on what was sent, .. etc.
I let it be.
And then it lands in my ballpark this morning.
"Not ideal I know. Wish we could live in a perfect world. I'm just trying to do and provide the best I can considering/balancing her needs and wishes too. She's not a person with senile dementia or Alzheimer. That would probably make some things easier in some ways".
I haven't responded at all. First off, I'd like to blast her, .. "WHEN AND IF you care to make the time to actually talk to me face-to-face, I've got some thoughts to share with you, but that won't be done via text so ta-ta".
But beyond that, I'd like to blast her. "Balancing her needs/wishes".
How about you balance the fact that she doesn't think rationally. But no you haven't ever had THAT aspect assessed fully have you? Might mean that her thinking isn't, in fact, as clear as would then allow you the latitude to continue with status quo as to her well being. No .. go run to every gadget/device/pill/lotion/potion you can think of, but leave that aspect out .. don't bother with a full-on cog assessment ... as was advised by her attending physician.
I want to blast her with, "She's your mom, it's on you and your brother .. good luck, hope you can live with yourself .. it's coming it's not IF . it's when ..".
But I haven't responded at all.
SIL is a real piece of work, dropping her demands again, so she doesn't have to deal with mom, MIL knows full well SIL will call with all the can't dos so her saying that daughter of mine is manipulating B'S. I would let sister leave then call APS, my concern is for you and your family knowing she can not live alone and not intervening using the social services, could you potentially get into trouble for neglect or? MIL needed to be transported via ambulance home? Why didn't she go to rehab?
Please do not let these two selfish women come between you and hubby. SIL might see that as solution, brother could live with mom, then both women get their own way. Block SIL number, dont rise to the bait. I think a bulleted list of why MIL can not live alone is a great idea. Keep a copy to give to APS. Your mom summed it up in 1 word, SELFISH. Keep out of the wheel, don't offer to do anything or else SOL will be manipulating you from 1k away, again. Enough is enough this old lady needs a village, period end of discussion. SIL and DH can't stand up to her, so this needs to be turned over for her sake as well as protecting yourselves from some charges because she can't live alone.
But why the bloody hell ISN'T DH reading his sister's texts?
And why the bloody hell doesn't SIL pick up the phone and TALK to him?
Sheesh!
MIL - still not your problem. But my God I find this bloody infuriating and they're not my DH and SIL, even!
MIL found to have some cognitive deficiencies and the attending physician there, wanting that better assessed .. wanted her ..full battery of cognitive assessment, (I concur 1000%).
Result of the above.
SIL takes her to the follow up visit to neuro where she then is seen by a NP not the neuro doc who isn't available .. and NP that had never met with MIL. NP signs off on SIL's assertion, .. which is one of ... "why do they even do these screenings in an inpatient hospital setting, the person's world has been upended, they don't feel good, .. they should never do these screenings in that setting .. yes .. she had a UTI and those are known to cause confusion and disorientation .. ".
And no cog assessment ever done.
So .. yes ... I guess the assumption is that MIL is of sound mind (I disagree 1000%). And as such, can make her own decisions. So no, there is no one in any of this that is going to take the bull by the horns and maybe look at whether there is indeed cognitive impairment. She will make her own decisions and SIL just rolls with that as the plan ..
But just how exactly does this get done when MIL hasn't been deemed mentally incompetent? She and Dorker's H would have to talk her into it. And it doesn't seem likely that that will happen.
That generally puts me in the middle, to where I am now harping at DH .. "why haven't you called your sister back".
Firm sideline sitter ... on the periphery, always on the periphery.
Here's the response she got from me, from her long winded/winding text:
You know my thoughts. I don't agree with an approach that leaves her to live alone. Her needs are greater than mere transport to and from grocery and doc visits, in my opinion. I love you guys and will respect your right to decide with you think is appropriate for your mom. I will do what I can/when I can".
No response from her as of yet.
DH happened by here, earlier, ... me seething over it all. I called him to my attention for just a few minutes. Told him as much, that I am seething. Here's about how that dialogue went:
Me: "Got a long winding text from your sister this morning, I thought the plan here going forward was that your mom would be returning to IL with your sister. Not so apparently ... and why haven't you answered the long text she apparently sent you the other day and now has sent to me, having no response from you".
Him: "What long text, .. what'd she say?, what's going on, why is she sending it to you".
Me: "I guess because she got no response from you".
Him: "Well what is she saying".
I pull up the texts and read them to him, .. all to point out that she intends to return to IL around the beginning of April to see to her own doc appts she's missed out on, on her end, .. and to dog sit for her daughter, who has to .. .A) move, but also ..B) travel to Thailand for 10 days .. and that she is trying to line up some service via the VA where transport can be provided for MIL to get to the grocery and doc visits and that we may need to contribute monetarily . at least til the VA program is put in place.
Read the whole thing to him, explaining to him that I am livid ... that his mom DOES NOT need to be left to live alone, and I thought we were all on the page here that she is to return to IL with her .. and that as recent as just a few days ago, there was a phone message from the vet .. indicative that the letter is ready to certify the dog as a an ESA .. so the dog can then board the plane with them, when did all this change.
Him: "Well first off, there's no need for you to get LIVID over this, .. you have washed your hands of it all, .. you've departed it .. so ... you don't have a dog in this fight ..., you don't have a voice in it all ".
Me: "I never did have any voice in it, even when I was mired in it all, .. tried to get you guys to sit up and take notice, but no one listened, still don't".
Him: "Why is she sending this to you?"
Me: "I don't know, I guess because it's been sent to you days ago and there was no response".
Him: "I'll deal with it"
Me: "We were just out there a couple of weeks ago and your mom merely .. just merely let go of her walker momentarily to grab the tv remote .. as she stood there, and had you not been standing there to catch her, she'd of fallen ... this is who your sister thinks it's okay to leave her?!?!?!".
Him: "Well things change I guess, I'll have to make that assessment, she was weaker then".
Me: THAT WAS a mere couple of weeks ago H!!!!! She wasn't managing before, your sister lines up some service for her to be hauled to doc appts and the grocery store, who is going to manage her meds, .. who is gonna manage her nutrition .. your sister herself said, if she doesn't fix it to eat .. mother doesn't eat ... ".
Him: "Well I'll have to go out there and make that assessment .. and see what my thoughts are, that's up to me and my sister, I gotta get back to work".
And off he was gone.
Talking this over some .. because I am so furious .. even still .. talking with DD.
"Mom you can only do what you can, let it go ... ".
Her, telling me, .. "maybe you and SIL need to sit down and have a face to face conversation".
Me: "I have tried, countless times .. and she won't make the time for me to sit and talk with her, .. ".
DD: "Well then you've done all you can, you've washed your hands of it all, .. she is going to fall and some other something . it's going to happen .. and it will be on SIL .. not on you .. you've done all you can to get them to sit up and take notice .. now just leave it be .. and don't drive yourself nuts over it, .. we'll all do what we can/when we can .. ".
I said to DD: "Yea, it's things like .. like before, the one crux of the nail in the coffin .. when MIL's dog got so sick and was having diarrhea all over the place and all hours of the day and night and making MIL sicker and weaker taking care of him and the messes and I said to her to leave the dog outdoors more .. so that there aren't as many trips to the door to let him in and out . and messes to clean .. and she looked at me like I had four heads .. as if I'd asked her to leave a defensive baby outdoors unattended .. that kinda thing .. you think about that kinda thing as upcoming .. SIL leaving, dog gets sick .. can you take the dog to the vet for her, .. and so you have the time you go do it .. then the next day .. it's *mother is sick again .. she is throwing up and can't keep anything down, .. could you go and get _________________ and ____________".
DD: "and if you have time and can do it, you'll do it, if not maybe one of us can .. and if not, then SIL will have to call for grocery delivery".
Who is gonna go get her specialized confounded vegetarian dog treats that have to be retrieved from a specialty vet .. who is gonna get her specialized confounded vegetarian dog food that has to be retrieved from yet a different vet .. who is gonna go get her specialized probiotics she has to have (they aren't on Amazon .. none of the above are, it's been checked) ......
It's not just the transport to and from grocery and doc visits.
It's much more than that.
I am still so livid I can't see straight.
I'd be livid too. Beyond livid. MIL is barely back to what she was before the fall. You all know she's in no way, shape or form to be left alone.
Well--CM has the best answers!
Sadly, you may HAVE to step in long enough to facilitate a face to face with SIL and DH. I think CM's idea of a bullet point listing of ALL the important facts would be helpful. Keep them on task. I know you've stepped away, and done it well--but sometimes, darn it, we have to step back in and be a squeaky wheel. Just for a minute, then back to the "new norm".
Or, do nothing and MIL will most assuredly fall, be non compliant with her meds, or do something crazy that will land her back in the hospital. Count on it.
I wouldn't put it past SIL to have had the vet send the message to your phone, just to ruffle your feathers. She never really had any intention of taking MIL to IL, and doesn't ever plan to. I'd call her out on that. She certainly doesn't HAVE to, but if she's not going to, she needs to be on board with placing MIL against her wishes is a safer environment.
A few moths of relative quiet, and then this. I think nobody who has followed you will be very surprised.
I am SO sorry for you, though. You must feel completely invisible and unheard.
Text SIL "You need to talk with your brother, SIL about what the plan is. It's not my place to comment".
" On what ED planet has it been determined that your mother can return to living alone in her home?
With your constant presence, and with considerable effort over no less than four months, she has been returned to a state where she can now cope with outside services coming in. In less than a week, that will no longer apply. What then?
For the avoidance of doubt: a woman of MIL's age in MIL's state of health cannot manage the activities of daily living, the tasks of household and medication management, the personal care, the communication and the co-ordination of support required to maintain her safely at home. This has been clearly demonstrated.
You now propose to return to IL. MIL will therefore be living alone. Quite apart from the undesirability of setting a precedent that you and DH foot her bills - or "chip in temporarily", as you somewhat romantically put it - the proposed support doesn't even come close to the intensive assistance you have been providing. Without it, your MIL's living independently at home cannot be sustained. The first time she falls will be my cue to call APS. I am sick of this spineless arsing about that you and DH have both been up to with an elderly woman's welfare."
So you go into the garden and yell those things uninhibitedly at a sack of compost or whatever object that can stand in for SIL.
Then you sit DH down in a chair, hand him a nice cup of coffee, smile sweetly, and ask him what the ED he thinks he's playing at. Did he get SIL's text? Is there any particular reason he didn't deem it worthy of an acknowledgement, let alone a considered reply? And at what point was he planning to mention it?
The thing is. The issue of expecting, or at least asking (which isn't unreasonable), DH to contribute to this services pump-priming idea is only a problem BECAUSE it sets a dangerous and water-muddying precedent. For MIL to access her maximum entitlement, it is very important that she is assessed as an independent economic unit and NOT as a little old lady whose children can be leaned on.
So of course it is up to DH and SIL between them to decide IF they are going to pay; how much; and on what terms. But they need to be aware that in practical terms it is a poor strategic move.
Next: is MIL moving to IL or isn't she? Four months of faffing about and suddenly we've got absolutely ED nowhere?
Next: what do you, Dorker, do.
It is a nice thought, isn't it, that you don't have to do anything. You could:
text SIL back saying "bon voyage, speak soon."
text SIL back saying "I'll ask DH to call you."
Or, you could:
take DH warmly by the ear, march him round to MIL's house, tie all three of them to chairs round the kitchen table and refuse to release them until they have had a meaningful conversation.
Here it is:
MIL moves into long term care in IL
or
MIL moves into long term care in FL
That's what was supposed to be being arranged. Unless they all know something you don't know, that is still the aim. Nu?
And if it is no longer the aim, if MIL is to have her wish to remain living at home, if SIL and DH after FOUR MONTHS of buggering about have decided to preserve the status quo ante because it is the line of least resistance, then there it is and they must do as they think best.
Not your mother. Not your broken hip. Not your catastrophic stroke. Not Your Problem.
You won't have to do anything, and DH won't do much if MIL stays in FL.
Don't be livid. She's not YOUR mother. Let the chips (or the MIL) fall as they may...
Don't say anything to anyone until you have your breath back.
Going to re-read now. Need coffee first.
Don't respond to her text. You need to train her that texts are not a way of communicating with you.
I am furious on your behalf also. I think DH, MIL and SIL are involved in a web of dysfunction and denial, brought on by years of history. They probably are doing what these years of history with each other has trained them to do, not with bad intent, but with resulting dysfunction. Do not get sucked in again.
I got a long winding text from SIL this morning ... at the root of it all, she plans to return to IL .. and leave her mom here ...
Says she is working to get in place some VA funding for .. some kind of in home care services (I don't know sounds like transport services/funding of some sort) but that it doesn't kick in until one pays for same ... and then becomes retroactive and is funded by VA, .. not sure. I don't know, don't understand, .. and bottom line, it's not up to me to understand and navigate.
She goes on to say that we may all have to chip in .. to at least get this thing going and services in place, until the VA will pick it up to pay for it.
I don't have a problem with that. I have a problem with leaving her here .....
I thought we were working towards that as a goal. I haven't even responded to the text.
She goes on to say in the text, that she'd sent all of this to DH the other day but never heard back from him, that they don't hear much from him these days.
Goes on further to explain that she has already put off some of her doc appointments she has for herself, .. and will need to return to IL in early April .. that will have been 4 months she's been here, and that her mom is back to where she was, as far as using the walker (never a cane). That her mom has started outpatient PT ... and is doing about like she was before she fell. (I guess, all justification to leave her again).
She goes on to say .. that April is too soon to take her to avoid hurricane season (something we've discussed that MIL needs to be out of this region during hurricane season). My thoughts .............. WTH????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!........ Her words, .. "April is too soon to take her out of here, to do the six months here, six months there thing, to avoid hurricane season".
I have explained to her, that the epitome of danger as to hurricane season is long about July thru September .. I have explained that countless times. By the way I count, if you leave here ... April .. that six months equates to end of September being Six months .. that encompasses the time frame that hurricanes are at their most active.
But nonetheless. She goes on to explain that her daughter (she dog sits her daughter's 3 dogs ..) .. her daughter is moving the beginning of April, the building her daughter rents has been sold, and she has been advised she has to move, .. and so the daughter has to move the beginning of April .. that she will need to be there to help and that her daughter has a 10 day trip planned to Thailand .. and so she will have to dog sit for those 10 days for her daughter .. and that it will be too much to have her daughter's 3 dogs and her mom's dog there ...
All .. all of it, round about and winding text basically to tell me that we will all need to chip in as to this home care agency .. and I guess that equates to her assessment being that her mom's only need is transport to and fro grocery/doc visits, etc .. I don't know I haven't asked.
I'm about to blow a gasket. That is NOT the mom's only need. She falls ill, .. she doesn't manage ... she doesn't manage her meds .. her nutrition .. hydration, etc etc .. absent someone there 24/7. I have said it and said it and said it and said it ... and I'm about to blow a gasket.
I'd like to return a text having her to CALL ME ON THE PHONE, let's sit down and talk face to face like I've asked of you oh at least 1000 times.
I'm trying not to blow a cork here. Guidance/advice from you good folks here.
I realize this isn't mine to navigate .. and I have removed myself. Obviously her brother (my husband) has rec'd this same text, .. as she indicates .. a few days ago, and it hasn't been responded to. But him being on the periphery .. always on the periphery of it all .. always ... he'd just rubber stamp his approval to whatever .. he isn't mired in it all, never has been, never will be.
I can see where this all goes, thus my feeling I will blow a cork, thus my .. not responding, not yet anyway . to her text.
She leaves, .................YET AGAIN .....................
And status quo returns. MIL not managing .. as I've said and said and said and said .. and SIL now in IL ... and wringing her hands of from afar .. and texting her brother, no response .. then texting me .. and I am then in his ear, .. "respond to your sister......this isn't my problem".
I am absolutely boiling mad right about now.
Let me tell you, .. just the other day .. we'd gone to a concert .. and I noticed on my phone, I had a voice mail. I played it back .. it was a message from the vet's office .. for MIL's dog. The message indicated the letter they needed .. as to the dog being a support animal .. that letter is ready and can be picked up anytime. Not sure why that voice mail arrived on my phone, other than I used to be the *go to* source in all things with MIL .. and so they know me there and have my info. I didn't respond to the voice mail, I forwarded it to SIL .. stating, "not sure why this was left on my phone, .. not anything I'm working on with them".
She obviously listened to the voice message and then responded to me, "yea not sure why they left that message with you, .. I'd asked that they prepare a letter that I can substantiate to the airline to get the dog on the airplane and that was them responding the letter is ready".
So as recent as this past Friday .. I was under the impression that was the angle this whole thing was being worked, and not aware that there was ANYTHING AT ALL in the works as to leaving the status quo .. and MIL will now be left here ... as SIL goes back to IL.
I do know that MIL has made a lot of noise to whomever will listen, that she doesn't' want to have to leave her home. But absent any dialogue to the contrary (of course there is no dialogue, nobody talks to anybody in their family) ... I was under the impression that the works were being performed, to get MIL on the plane headed to IL with SIL.
Now I find out that isn't the case.
I don't have a problem in the world contributing towards some sort of home health care transport service or whatever that is about .. not a problem. But that isn't HER ONLY ISSUE .............. and hasn't been, and I've shouted that in every direction I can ..
And now for this to land in my ear, via a 12 page text from SIL as she explains she'd already sent this to DH a few days ago and never heard back from him. I am livid.
Absolutely furious.
Have I not asked, countless times that they sit down and talk, face to face, .. have I not asked, countless times that I will be glad to be a part of that discussion if needed, .. have I not asked countless times that we all get on the same page here.
I don't even know how to respond to her text this morning .. thus I haven't done so.
The difference in caring for one baby, vs two at the same time, ASTOUNDING. Enjoyed having her, such a little pleasure.
So far, .. no indication of any other problems .. we're praying and crossing our fingers.
I'm working some these days and that has me not as available to DD, unfortunately, but she handles things with 3 kids .. like watching a juggling circus clown. I couldn't walk in her shoes day in and day out. It wears me out.
Glad you got to see your mom.
How is your grandson?
Well, glad you got away! And hearing your DH talk about MIL is heartening, he's not completely clueless and that has to count for something, right?
Life is tough. We pretty much never get what we want. I can't believe that MIL at age 88 still hasn't figured that out, but she's also not likely to, ever. Sheesh, I think the first full sentence any of my kids said was "that's not fair" to which I of course would reply "nope, it's NEVER going to be fair".
Well, you are maintaining boundaries, that is great! MIL is still wrangling for total control and can't have it. I really hope she doesn't "come to harm" before she leaves with SIL. I wouldn't put it past her to manipulate a fall.....requiring SIL to stay even longer.
How sad, really, for the universe of so many people to spin on it's axis over one angry, cranky, selfish woman. The poor pitiful me routine (grinds my gears too) is just beyond-beyond. My mother used guilt to "corral" us kids and I still get sick to my stomach when she starts in with the "nobody thinks of me--nobody would care if I keeled over and you didn't find my body for days".....she keeps saying it and it's gonna come true.
Hang in there---here's to hoping she boards that plane with SIL & BIL in a bit and you can take a semi-deep breath.
There, at my mom's, she asked DH about his mother (she's aware of the whole saga).
The conversation went about like this: (which I found interesting, hadn't heard this latest).
My mom: "so how are things going with your mom?".
DH: "It's not good, .. she's so frail, so feeble, .. I was out there to work on the a/c unit .. and she said to me *I really just don't want to have to leave my home, .. this home is perfectly set up for me, with all the grab bars and it's where I'm comfortable, this isn't anything I ever wanted to have to do, go to live with your sister*, mom really is struggling with not wanting to leave her home.
My mom: "I don't know why she's so opposed to AL facilities .. when my time comes, .. that's where I want to be, I DO NOT want to be a burden like she is being .. not to my kids, .. I think she's being awfully selfish".
DH: "I told her *ma .. I know you didn't want to ever have to do this, but it's just not safe for you to live alone anymore, you're going to fall .. you dodged a bullet this last time, next time it may not go that way .. you need to be where you can be looked after*. But she said to me, .. well just let me lay there and die then, if I fall, just let me lay there, I'm ready to go .. I don't want to go to any damn hospital .. just let me go. I told my mom, .. *mom that's not realistic .. you and I both know, sister calls you 3 and 4 x's a day to check on you, .. you fall, she can't get you on the phone, who is she gonna call, .. me .. that's who .. and I'm gonna come over to check on you, .. I find you sprawled out in the floor and I'm supposed to just walk away and leave you there to die, and live with that the rest of my life?!?!?! That's not realistic ma".
So .. it sounds like MIL is still pressing .. at least to DH .. can't she just continue to live alone and stay in her own home. I have no idea if she's doing likewise with SIL who is there in attendance. I would imagine she is.
Who will win this push and shove tug of war. Does she stay or does she go?
DH hadn't mentioned any of the above to me, but then I don't ask anymore. The only reason that I was privy to the dialogue that had transpired, I was in the room when my mother asked of DH how are things with his mom.
It makes me angry that she is still pressing that button. Why .. why doesn't she see the impact that her inability has on those who have to pick up the slack? Why is it all about her, .. "this house is set up perfectly for me, it's where I'm comfortable".
BUT ....
She doesn't manage on her own. She truly does not. She needs someone overseeing her meds, her nutrition, her hydration, .. transportation to and fro doc appts and the give and take as to the info there. Yes, maybe her home is perfectly set up for her (she's right, it is, grab bars, everywhere, single story home). But that IS NOT THE ONLY FACTOR that determines what the best setting is.
Grinds my gears, even still!
I think, initially, .. he maybe thought the world would come to an end, and how could I, but didn't really even give a whole lot of lip service to that sentiment, as he knew, it would be futile, more than likely.
No, it was never at his behest that I was on that hamster wheel myself, at one time.
This dynamic was all, very much so, a triangle between MIL, SIL and myself, .. and directives mostly coming from afar via SIL as to need on the front with MIL. That's about how it worked, .. for a number of years. It was only in more recent times that things began to get to the point that I was being called into service more and more and more .. for varying rabbit holes and wild goose chases, .. along with legitimate need. Of course that would be the case, she is aging and her health deteriorating.
It was only the result of my inability to get anyone to sit up and take notice, that this isn't working any longer, she needs more help than I alone can continue to provide. My pleas fell on deaf ears, .. in the direction of MIL, as well as SIL and DH.
DH ... see above, indifferent .. through and through, detached. He's always been johnny on the spot as the fix-it handyman, when something goes awry. And .. he would even, . in more recent times as her health began to decline more and more, and more and more maladies befell the situation, he'd pack a bag and go stay overnight, and I'd do day duty.
Attempts to get him to sit up and take notice, she needs more care/support than I can continue to provide. Fell on deaf ears. He didn't take the ball and run with it, to back me and convince his mom and sister, the status quo isn't working any longer. When I would protest at having yet again, day after day, being called into service to whatever the latest problem du jour was .. usually from afar (at SIL's direction) .. he would say things like, "Well I'll just have to step up more .. that's all". But when the water hit the wheel, him being a business owner, and ...overly involved enmeshed in church biz .. he never had the time to do it, so it would default, repeatedly back to me, .. as the only one here, the only one she would allow to assist, .. and SIL wringing her hands from afar, as to whatever the need was, .. and MIL's refusal to allow anyone to help, unless i would do so.
Usually all directives coming from SIL.
Didn't even have the .. decency .. I guess you'd call it, to .. why are all these directives coming from IL .. from SIL .. MIL LIVES RIGHT HERE, she knows how to reach us .. if she NEEDS this or that or the other thing, why can't SHE CALL AND ASK.
It was an odd dynamic. If you would ask MIL, "Hey your daughter tell me that you have to have some blood work done and haven't been feeling well, and that you might need someone to go and take you .. and that you have some rx's needing to be picked up and some of that special dog food, .. do you need me to come pick you up".
You'd generally get from her, (from MIL) .. protestations .. of "THAT DAUGHTER OF MINE!. I WISH SHE WOULDN'T BOTHER YOU GUYS!", along with, "all I do is merely mention that I have a doctor appointment for some blood work, .. and that I haven't been able to get those rx' and that special dog food, haven't felt up to it . and suddenly she's in your ear about it, I wish she'd leave you guys alone".
You would then say to her, "well if you think you're okay to handle it, then I'll leave well enough alone" .. but that would be answered with, "If you don't mind, if you have the time, I really haven't felt up to it, .. I could use your help .. if you could come and get me".
It was all fine and good for a number of years .. as she was more able to manage on her own, and maybe only needed my assistance at times when she'd be rendered unable to function from some procedure of some sort, .. but outside of that, could mostly handle things on her own. That began to wane as she grew more and more feeble, and my protests that I can't keep doing this and manage my own life and responsibilities. No one listened. Over several months.
MIL with her, .. "Oh now I know what I need to do here, and I will do it, I will manage" .. all while SIL is sending directives my way as to the latest need.
All while DH ... if I protested, would say .. (lip service) "well I'll just have to step up more", . but see above, .. him engaged in any number of other endeavors that precluded his willingness/ability to actually "step up", and meanwhile I'm the one fielding numerous texts from afar .. 1K miles away .. "mother needs _____________, and while you're going that way would you pick up _______________, and look at so and so when you're there, she was telling me about such and such, but I can't figure out what she's referring to, if you could ask her and take a look at ________________, oh and she has rx's that need to be picked up and that special dog food is in, at the vet's office, and I know her dog needs to get into the vet .. she just hasn't felt well .. and so maybe if you could work with her, on when/if you can help her with that too".
I would protest, .. "SIL if she is able to manage . and that's what you both say .. as you come in town to button things down and stay for a few weeks, but then leave again .. and both of you spouting that she manages .. if she manages, then why I am repeatedly called into service, almost daily .. for all the need, I can't keep doing this"
SIL's answer generally along the lines of, "I know she's just so stubborn".
Unfortunately all the above resulted in my exiting, completely. I no longer am the "go to" source as to all things need and MIL. Not even in the slightest.
Had they maybe been more amiable to my pleas ..let's please let some of the neighbors that have been so nice to offer to pitch in, some of our church folks, .. fully aware of the burden this is and have offered to help .. let's let some 3rd parties engage in some of this need .. I can't do it all.
But that was met with .. "No, now don't you go sending anyone over here, . I won't answer the door, now I know what I have to do here, .. and I will do it, I will manage".
But then .. she'd merely mention to her daughter, as described above .. as to the need .. and her daughter then blowing up my phone to service said need .. repeatedly this would go on, almost daily .. with various rabbit holes and wild goose chases, and some of it legitimate need.
I finally just announced I'm not doing this anymore .. at that time I was expecting twin g'children to be delivered (locally) .. and I knew I'd be busier than a one arm paper hangar .. trying to help my daughter .. and the babies .. and that was indeed the case, when they arrived, as I knew it would be. I exited the scene with MIL and haven't looked back.
If DH had much of an opinion about it all, he didn't really weigh in a lot ... I guess aware, that as I told him, "this is YOUR mom, not mine" .. and his inability to see to much of it.
Oh he and I went round and round about the "yellow bedroom" (a guest room here, in our home, unoccupied). "Can't we just bring mother and her dog here to live". That was met with, "absolutely no .. not just no HELL NO ... she is not my mother, you are busy working and/or churching all the time .. .and it would fall to me to do it all .. and I'm not doing that .. she has a daughter .. a daughter that is retired .. you and she need to put your heads together and figure out whether she needs placement in a facility for more help and if not that, then maybe SIL needs to figure out how to be here for her mom, or take her mom home with her, to IL".
And so here we are .. at that juncture.. I have exited the whole thing .. and haven't looked back .. and glad that I did so .. as it appears .. at least at this point ......... not only was I right .. she needs more support, which I never doubted for a minute ... but that support is now being provided by an over worked, beleaguered SIL .. a SIL who didn't come here intending to stay for months .. a SIL who was of the mantra .. "she manages okay .. she's just so stubborn and so fiercely independent, I don't know what we're going to do with her", and off she'd go again, to IL and then send directives my way .. from afar .. .that SIL is now here, .. in attendance, having abandoned her life in IL ... and stuck here, since what was supposed to have only been a short visit for xmas .. and now has extended to these months later .. with various other issues that precluded her ability to leave her mom and return home, absent my engagement in it all.
Had I not .. had I not exited the whole thing I cannot imagine what would've been the case with a MIL who fell just before xmas and really/truly/honestly ..was not able to ambulate at all, for weeks afterward. Brought home from hospital via ambulance .. and had to have .. literally 24/7 care .. I couldn't of done that. I have other responsibilities. And then the scheduled MOHS procedure .. which has taken some wound care and so forth, med assistance .. that SIL has been here on site, to attend to, .. and then .. now, presently, a stomach virus ongoing. I couldn't of done what SIL has been stuck here doing.
Nor should I have to, .. .she is not my mother.
DH .. as I said, .. if he weighed in at all, very much, it was the pleas to "can't we bring her here to the yellow bedroom", and there were some real tensions over that, for a period, but I stood firm, and still do, the yellow bedroom here is not an option. This shouldn't fall to me to deal with .. I did deal with it all, for 15 long years .. and as I said, it wasn't always as needy as it currently is .. and I was happy to do it, of my own free will ...but it got to the point the situation was increasingly needy and I was growing more and more resentful.
As I learned here, talking to the good folks here, I can't "make them" see what I'm talking about and "make" them change. But I can "change" what it is I'm doing.
And that's what I did. I exited.
But I'll take it. At least the light dawned on the situation. Or so it seems. The plane hasn't left yet with all on board.
Thank Goodness, SIL is here. The latest is that MIL seems to have been stricken with some kinda lower GI virus today. Low grade fever, nausea .. diarrhea. Well aware of what used to be status quo when the above would occur. Her, unable to "manage" (though she protested mightily that she does "manage") .. she would soon dehydrate and then in a weakened state, fall.
SIL here in attendance however, . the above less likely to be the scenario as was the case in times past. One can hope anyway.
I do feel bad for SIL. She merely came here for xmas. Then her mother took a horrible fall and it has been the recoop from that .. then the MOHS procedure and recoop from that, .. and now this latest with some kinda virus. She only came here for xmas and was to return home.
But .. indicative of what I'd been shouting from the rooftops .. she is too old/feeble/frail and doesn't manage on her own.
I would guess, that's now evident. Seems to be, to me anyway, but has been for quite some time.