I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
What continues to perplex me is why everyone feels it is your responsibility to care for your MIL. She is NOT your mother! Her kids should not dump her care on you.
How selfish of SIL & DH to even think of asking DD to help in this situation. The woman has 3 children under 4 y/o!
DH & SIL recognize MIL’s need for care (or they wouldn’t be getting DD involved) but yet continue to act like she is ok enough to “manage” in her own.
I agree that you should block SIL texts and refuse to be the middleman going further.
I am so sorry that this issue persists almost a year after you began posting.
As Barb stated, that no one took any time to get POA for MIL during these past months is a huge fail. Another of her children’s poor choices.
They think you “hate” MIL? Wow, they are obtuse. I understand your resentment as it appears your feelings do not count. I don’t blame you for being hurt when your husband doesn’t stick up for you.
Can you make time just to speak with DH about why you feel as you do? Wife to husband? Nobody really talks to each other in that family, & due to this, there is confusion, anger and hurt.
You say DH “understands” you have stepped out and apparently shared that with his sister and mother and that has caused more hard feelings as you look like the villain.
Do you think DH would attend marriage counseling in an attempt to teach you both how to communicate and listen to each other?
You are damned if you do and damned what you don’t. If anyone has any blame here, it would be DH as his lack of interest and involvement contributes to the continued confusion as he refuses to even read texts sent to him about his mother. Nothing gets done. He is MIA when in fact while his sister is in town they should be meeting regularly to devise a long term plan for MIL & involve MIL in making that plan.
I will bet that today you are just emotionally & physically drained. Take time for you, and yes, maybe go visit your mother for a few days.
This is a convoluted mess. It’s like Russian roulette because we all know that eventually MIL will suffer a disaster if left to live alone.
What this shows is extreme INgratitude for all that you did for Narcissa over the course of 15 years. I would be angry, too!
If SIL and H won't sit Narcissa down and give her the straight facts about how it is very unsafe and impractical for her to live alone anymore, then they both need to back off and let Narcissa die just the way she apparently wants to do. It would make them feel better if you would step and fetch again, of course. But that you can't (and I hope won't!) do.
BTW, will DH be okay with your mother moving in if she needs help? She already lived with you once, right? I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't allow it. I hope your mother doesn't depend on you for money and care at some point.
Of those eight, four were brilliant. Heroes. Way above and beyond. But of those four, three were caring for their wives, only one for his mother - and he also took care of his dependent sister, and he wasn't married. And, by the way, two died before their wives did.
The 50% who were married and responsible for their mothers, to a man, although they all fulfil/led their responsibilities: in terms of hands-on care, they were/are rubbish. They hate/d doing it and they were/are crap at it - chicken-and-egg situation, there, I suspect.
I am not my MIL's greatest fan. I am always polite to her, I give her the same respect I would any lady in her eighties, but that's her lot. Except that at the last family gathering, when ex-DH was getting her ready to take a cab home, he lost patience with her so quickly and so unkindly that I intervened; and it takes quite a lot to make me feel sorry for a bullying narcissist. Now ex-DH is not a nasty man, and he won't hear a word against his (horrible) mother, and intellectually he understands perfectly well why she fusses and clings and whines as she does - and he STILL can't cope with it for five minutes.
So Dorker while it is always tempting to think, when a person is asking why such-and-such is a big deal and why can't you "just" get on with it: "well YOU try it and see how you like it!" - it isn't a fair comparison. DH loves his mother very much, but he can't stand her in action. You have no obligation to love her, though you do as a matter of fact, but you have infinitely more aptitude for gentleness and patience, and infinitely more experience of handling dependent human beings.
What you DON'T have is even one iota of obligation to do any more for MIL; and in any case, as we have already discussed at length, it is not in her best interests to maintain the pretence that her situation is tenable.
So. DH loves his mother, he is not a bad son. He is not going to make any useful practical contribution to her support, however. So what should he be doing for her instead?
He should be making himself unpopular, is what. He should be doing the logical planning. He should be participating in discussions, and being the voice of reason. And those he *can* do, he just doesn't want to, because his mother wouldn't like it. Sorry, but tough!
Let "talk to your sister" be your mantra. You can do no more good than that.
Then suddenly .. it all changes.
Bottom line .. there's no "bargaining" with any of these folks. Yea I go step up again, in exchange for, ..........A) a firm date that MIl will be under SIL's wing in IL .. and that date then comes and goes, and no transition in the works, I'm right back where I am presently, disgusted, ...........B) there is no bargaining in this situation.
MIL has spoken her piece, she is taken for sound mind by all concerned (her offspring) and there ya have it. Her will be done!
I think Patooski is spot on. They are all hoping that Dorker will step back into the fray again and the sooner the better, get to steppin and fetchin. Only it hasn't happened, and it's not going to.
After, what is now 2 days of all this .. white hot rage over it all and hurt .. it's once again clearer to me .. this is not my decision .. it's not even her offspring's decision .. it's MIL's. The fact that the offspring will expect enabling of it all, is also, out of my hands.
I will, as we go forward here .. lets give a for instance. I hear from DH that MIL is suffering some stomach ailment .. and oh woe with her, .. and she's likely not keeping foods down and/or fluids. I can very easily run to the store to secure some items to assist with that, and have it ready here, on hand .. and DH can take his tired azz out there with supplies when he comes in from work. It's his mom. Not mine.
Get word, the dog is sick and in need of vet visit .. answer will be, "I guess she better be finding a mobile vet somewhere maybe? .. don't know what to tell ya".
Get word that the dog hasn't been groomed in so long, and *somebody* (hint hint, dorker .. get to steppin and fetchin) .. needs to help her .. the dog needs to get to the groomer. Answer, again .. "I guess she better seek out a mobile groomer .. don't know what to say".
When it gets heated, and it will, with the whole "FOR CHRISSAKES CAN'T YOU JUST ............". Answer, .. "your mom, you've all had ample opportunity to make alternate arrangements, you sign off on and rubber stamp the approval she stay in place, this is what it looks like .. I'm out, that's what I'M OUT LOOKS LIKE".
Another worry that I hear tossed around quite often, when SIL is not present. The dog . aged dog .. he gets up at all hours of the nite needing to be let out to relieve himself. You have this feeble old woman who can barely navigate at all, and now stumbling from the bed, .. in the dark .. thru the house .. to the security apparatus to disarm it, to let the dog out, waiting .. waiting for the dog to finish .. now dog back in ... stumbling along with her walker to go arm the house again, then back to bed. Only to be awakened again . say . in another two hours, same thing, rinse/lather/repeat. This goes on. I hear this bandied about as a worry when SIL isn't present.
SIL, when she is here, .. she stays up later than MIL does, thus the dog is let out later at night, and that seems to alleviate the above circus. When SIL is not here and present on the scene .. MIL routinely goes to bed, lights out, .. sometimes 8 PM or even earlier perhaps. The dog then waking her, .. all thru the night, .. midnight .. 2 AM .. 4 AM .. so forth... MIL not getting adequate rest thru the night.
SIL will leave again, and the above worry is going to be bandied about .. and the hand wringing will begin anew.
Answer if put to my ear: "Yep .. one of those numerous provisions I asked about .. have they been considered, and I was told I don't have a dog in this fight ... good luck, peace out".
Trying to in my own mind, cover some of the contingencies that are to come.
It's like .. this decision gets made .. based solely on the fact that MIL doesn't wish to have to leave her home. No consideration at all, for the millions of variables that need to be considered in it all. The stupid confounded dog treats and specialty dog foods, .. the vet visits, the groomer visits .. the dog getting ill, her getting ill, her needing supplies in the event of sickness .. so many different variables that should be considered in any decision that allows her to continue to stay at home .. living *INDEPENDENTLY* (HA!). But none of that is even considered .. and then ... it's all a big chase after your tail when SIL leaves. The very point I've made all throughout this whole 3000 posts ..
Hate it that this is all coming down to what will equate to a damaged relationship between myself and his family. But that's precisely where it's going. I did my due and then some, for a very long time. When I said it was becoming too great, and they failed to sit up and take notice/action .. that then doesn't mean that I suddenly see the light in a different way and step up again .. I still maintain she does not need to be living alone .. and the fact they refuse to address it, is going to leave a whole lot of loose ends unanswered to .. and thus .. the finger pointing at me with the whole "FOR CHRISSAKES can't you just ...........................", and an answer of "NO" .. and a damaged relationship as a result.
I didn't choose this path. There are any number of different paths that could've been entertained in it all .. and none have been considered.
So go on and continue pointing the finger back at me, with the whole "FOR CHRISSAKES CAN'T YOU JUST .......................". Nope, I can't. Won't.
As Barb put it ... I won't enable a situation that is reckless and dangerous .. not going to be a part of it.
Someone needs to sit down with MIL and point out that if she's knocked unconscious and gets taken to hospital, with NO HCPOA or DPOA, family might not have the authority to ask for or withhold certain treatments. Decisions might be entirely up to medical staff. Family not able to be involved, at all.
There needs to be one person who can oversee, manage and pull the plug when that is the action that is needed ( by "pull the plug" I mean have the hard talk with mom about what has to happen next. That the family can no longer provide all the care she needs.)
There need a to be some organizational structure to this venture and not Dorker chasing down rabbit holes.
If there was a schedule
(Dorker, say, one day a week took mom to appointments, shopping, get dog food, whatever, or two half days), dh went on Sunday afternoons, daughters each gave a half Saturday every other month, that MIGHT work, but only if MIL agreed that if her needs out weighed this plan of action, she would agree to either going to live with DIL or placement in an AL. And if she is able to express and list her needs (shopping lists, etc) in an organized fashion. Not lots of last minute "emergencies". When my mom was still at home, with Mild Cognitive impairment, she was able to keep a list of things she needed each of us to do/get.
Dorker, you might want to use a plan like this as a bargaining chip.
I wouldn't. I'd have been gone long ago, but that's me.
Instead of saying "you have to talk to your sister" present a fully formed plan that YOU'D be willing to commit to. It demonstrates your willingness to help. It forces DH to have a conversation with his mom, one that has form and meaning, not these vague threats.
I'm sorry. I so hoped he had set and was enforcing boundaries. Not so.
Maybe have a bag packed to go to your mom's when sister leaves for a short visit. Let the chips fall where they may.
A perfect example, I can recall a time a few years back .. before things got so dicey with it all. MIL had a doc appointment, there was a conflict in schedules and so I went to DH to see if he could accommodate getting his mom to said appointment.
DH of course, far too pressed with other endeavors, now studying on his own schedule/agenda and how he can make the above happen .. if he can at all. And he threw into the mix, "I'm not stopping for lunch afterwards .. I don't have time for that". Fine by me. He did end up taking her .. (that's how seldom this went on, can recall it), .. and ... as a result ... it was said after that .. by the mom ... anytime there'd be a conflict as to a doc appointment and who can make it happen. If it began to look as though DH might be the candidate for said project .. she would lean against that as an option, opting to then .. "Oh I'll be alright, I'll just take myself .. I can do this .. don't you guys worry about it".
Further discussion on the above, it came to light that MIL opts to not have DH be the go-to for said mission. Why?
DH .. is not one for small talk, as I'd entertain with her .. DH certainly not one for stopping for lunch afterwards, as I'd allow. DH also .. generally/typically .. otherwise occupied. Yes, he may very well be driving the auto in which she is riding, but he is on the phone with some business cohort and directing traffic on whatever that project may be, and not engaged with his mom .. and certainly not making small talk. Further, .. when MIL would get called to the back, something I would always accompany her to .. and ask the appropriate questions and interact accordingly with the practitioners .. not DH. DH would stay in the waiting room, and/or .. drop his mom in the waiting room and go to his truck, to conduct business .
I remember fussing at him that he would take the whole endeavor in the direction he did. His answer to it all, (unyielding) "It's a work day .. she's lucky I even have time to pull off the project to do this ... I still have work to do .. I can't just sit and make small talk, I have to get things done". Unapologetic about it and unyielding.
For quite a while, .. I bought into that. Poor MIL .. let's, at all costs .. figure a way that either SIL when she's here or myself .. one of us be the ones to take her to said appointments. Poor MIL .. her ungracious oaf of a son .. that he would just be so otherwise preoccupied and not even engage with her and or her healthcare folks.
For a long while I bought into that myself.
So, yes .. he's had about zero as to any exposure to that particular aspect of her needs. He did it, maybe once or twice, and the above was the result . and so he was never really called to that front any longer, as I continued bending my world to try to accommodate the kinda thing above.
What he has little experience with, (and anyone here knows .. having done it) .. you arrive on the scene to take MIL to the doc .. and she's still in her pj's ... and waxing and waning on as she shuffles around the bowl of cereal in her bowl in front of her .. turning thru pages of a magazine, telling you story after story as she shuffles her cereal bowl around a bit more, still in her pj's ..
You've arrived there .. knowing you have at least a 30 minute drive in front of you to get to the doctor on time .. and that appointment is now 45 minutes from this point in time, and she hasn't even gotten up from the table, .. an endeavor that in and of itself will take at least 5 minutes alone.
Then she needs to feed her dog, then she needs to let her dog out, then she needs to show you this one more article in the newspaper that she cut out for you and tell you this long story about the guy in the news article that she knew him at one point and his whole story ...
All the while you are reminding her, "We've got to go .. you aren't even dressed, you're still shuffling your cereal around in your bowl .. you've got to finish here, so we can get going".
Finally you convince her that she has to get up, you've already now taken on the dog task and gotten food out for the dog, let the dog out and back in .. and you've snatched up the cereal bowl and juice glass and the banana peel to trash it . and the napkin, making your way to the sink to wash the few dishes .. and she hasn't even made it out of the kitchen yet, to get to her bedroom to brush her teeth, her hair, get dressed .. all of it.
Finally you get her in the car, dressed/ready to go. And off you go, with what is now about 10 minutes to get to what would normally take 30 minutes to get there. You arrive at the doc office 20 minutes late. Now have to find a handicap parking space .. and then get her out of the car, ever so slowly and navigate to the doc office .. and then get her signed in ..
Then they call her to the back .. and they begin talking of what would be the reason for her visit and she sidetracks it talking of everything but the reason she's there for. Repeatedly, continuously .. having to redirect the conversation ..
Finally you finish at the doc office, rx's in hand .. and you make your way ever so slowly back to the car, where she then asks if you have time can we go grab some lunch somewhere. So, .. as used to be the case, and my feeling so sorrowful for this shut in .. off we'd go to some lunch locale .. and out of the car and into the restaurant, ever so slowly .. and then we'd eat our lunch and visit/chit chat .. all of it ever so slowly .. have all the time in the world. DH .. his response on that front, "I don't have time for that, I'm not doing that, if I take her, I don't have time for that".
Then .. she wants to know can we drop off the rx's and will I take her home and then run back and get them for her .. and bring them to her .. (all the time in the world, yes .. of course .. I have nothing else pressing on my radar today sure .. no problem).
She wants to know, "oh since we're going to pass by the bank, can we stop there on the way I need to cash a check".
Oh that pet store is right there, can we run by there, I need to run in (she doesn't run anywhere) and get a few things.
Oh yea, if you don't mind, could we stop by the grocery store .. I need to just grab a few things. And for a long long time, my feeling sorry for this shut in .. I wouldn't insist that she let me go in and grab the few things . no .. I'd amble around with her, ever so slowly as she went in to get whatever few things she needs and chatting up every living breathing human that encountered her path .. (all the time in the world, sure .. I don't have another thing to do with my life, at all).
These are the very things that DH has yet to experience ..
These are the very things that YD .. who will accommodate said requests on occasion .. generally comes home in a FOUL AZZ MOOD having weathered ... "Now my whole day is gone .. it was one stupid frickin doctor appointment, and it's taken all day to do all the *oh can we stop here can we stop there* .. and she will get cured .. for a while .. of stepping up to that plate again .. until .. eventually she goes there again ..
DH hasn't had the above experiences. Only to then later learn .. "oh that rx we had to get you quit taking it, why? did you call the doctor .. no you didn't .. so we went for that doc appointment why? If you weren't going to take the meds they rx'd then why did we do that remind me".
Oh yes, how I would love for him to get the experience and numerous times .....
What worked for him for a long long time was my willingness and soft heart for what is an old feeble woman who can't go it alone .. and needs help .. and his .. "I have to work, you like having a roof over your head don't ya".
Not gonna work anymore however.
Next? Your DH and your SIL have acknowledged that you have stepped out of this mess. Get yourself out of the middle of this mess.
Now - for all of the small tasks "for chrissake can't you just....." that will come your way - because SIL won't change (micromanage from afar) and DH won't change (prefers to work and church) and because DD won't be able to do what you have for 15 years (3 kids!!) - there is NOTHING that is an emergency. Dog treats? they can deliver. Dog groomer - they can take the van and go in. Grocery - they can delivery. If MIL doesn't want to pay - she can make other choices.
If there is an emergency - MIL fell - dial 911.
It is clear that DH harbors resentment and anger toward you - apparently he didn't really understand all that you did all of those years - but I have a feeling he will - as he gets sucked in to the maelstrom of MILs needs and wants and SIL beating the drum from afar.
Be pleasant to him, don't discuss this any more, focus on your part time work, your church, your grandchildren, your DD.
As for not helping MIL "I wouldn't buy an alcoholic a drink and I'm no longer willing to prop up the fantasy that it is OK to leave MIL in a dangerous situation"
I have a feeling that things are coming to a boiling point - especially after SIL leaves. Good luck!
You didn't throw in the towel. You recognised that a situation was unsustainable and stopped recklessly propping it up.
Suppose you and he were on a tandem. And you stopped pedalling, because it was becoming silly, and the tandem started to roll back down the hill. You would have revealed to the world that the "lead" person had not in fact been pedalling at all, wouldn't you?
How embarrassing.
He is behaving badly because he is
stressed
worried
at a loss
ashamed
feeling sorry for himself
These are very human responses to being in the wrong, you know. As is lashing out. The milder you can keep your responses the sooner you'll get the apology you are most certainly due.
Tell SIL that you have asked DH to call her, and you hope he will; but alas you have not the power to make him. She would therefore do better to persevere with contacting him direct.
You like and love your MIL. This is a question of how best to look after her. Take comfort, because you are the one who is actually taking that question seriously.
I am going to, the next time that a text comes in from SIL with regard to the whole scene (though I think DH likely did finally respond to a text from her ... finally ... after all this time and maybe even he told her, to leave me outta the loop entirely) .. I will .. tell her, as Kimber put it, .. no I don't know . call him. And if she persists, with the "well will you ask him about ...................". No I won't .. it causes problems on this end when I get in it, so no .. wait for him to call you back.
As Kimber put it, .. I get stuck in the middle of it all, .. by him ignoring pleas from his sister as to whatever the problem is .. and then she texts me .. then I go at him .. and he bites back at me. FOLKS, this ain't my mom ... why am I feeling grief for problems that aren't mine to own.
And no, I wouldn't forgo any funeral setting and hanging my head in shame, that I stepped off of this whole thing. Everyone we know .. cannot believe how much I did for how long .. as nothing but a mere daughter in law ... that most daughters in law would turn and wish you well as they go on about their lives.
At this point, how I wish I'd of done that myself, oh about 15 or so years back.
I wish I could articulate the hurt that I feel today. Yesterday was white-hot rage, today is just hurt.
I keep telling myself as others put it here, it's just his projected anger .. he fails to do as he needs to with what is his own mother and her care .. for whatever his reasons .. and so easier for him to project that anger at me. I keep telling myself that's what's at the root of all this. But somehow .. somewhere in it all, should be some nurturing for my own hurt feelings in it all. It should be more of an understanding and true appreciation for that which I did do for so so long .. and that ... when I stepped off it was for good reason .. and that should be the approach.
Instead what I feel is just really .. truly ... just venom about the whole thing. I feel as though .. coming from SIL and MIL's corner is hurt and bewilderment and a lack of any understanding on their parts .. and they obviously don't care to understand .. I'm a phone call away and have asked repeatedly to "let's sit down and hash some of this thru" .. my requests go nowhere. Done asking.
From DH's corner I feel animosity and venom spewing forth .. that I would dare to step off, as he put it, "throw in the towel when the going got rough on it all".
As a side note to it all, apparently some brief dialogue yesterday between DD and DH on this whole debacle. I do know that DD and her thoughts on it all, is that SIL is shirking what is her responsibility in allowing the status quo to continue and it will be on her to wear it, her and DH both .. that they refuse to sit up and address it that the mother won't allow for other settings as to her well being, won't push the point. I do know that is her sentiment, she agrees that MIL shouldn't be living alone .. and further her angle is one of, "Mom just do what you can/when you can/if you can and let the rest of it go".
I know that there was a brief conversation yesterday between DD and DH on this whole debacle .. both of them of the ilk, that I am over the top unreasonable and unapproachable on all this and that I have stepped away .. so why all the anger ...
I know that DH said in our heated exchange last night that he and DD will figure it out going forward .. that DD has said she will help, when/where she can.
I didn't even argue the point with him. DD mother of 3 kids under age 5 .. and school schedule for her daughter .. and the very real premise that MIL .. or at least SIL when she's here ... is VERY VERY VERY cautious about having DD and crew in their vicinity .. sans those germ bugs that the school age child travels around with, hop onto MIL ..
I know that DD .. were she called upon to get MIL to a doc for a stomach virus .. she'd recoil from that, not wanting to expose her kids. I know that DD .. would have to hedge any help with the fact that she has kids .. and one of them has a runny nose at the moment, the other one was throwing up the other night. That kinda thing.
I didn't even argue that point. Whatever. You guys do what you will .. let's not make sure that Mother is seen to by her very own daughter, .. a daughter AND HER HUSBAND BOTH RETIRED .. no let's lump this onto DH .. (who we know ignores texts and the like as to the need on that front) and further onto the mom of 3 kids ..
Mom of 3 kids is a grown adult and can make her own choices and decisions .. and I will stay out of it.
I just hate all of it .. it's being seen that I somehow "hate" MIL .. that I now "hate" her and want nothing to do with her. I don't "hate" anyone! I hate this whole situation that no one will step up and push the agenda that she needs more care .. and in that failure to address it, she is left to her own consequences of her decisions .. but more to the point, that this drama/saga continues on, unabated .. and will land in my corner, repeatedly with need that .. as someone else put it, "For Chrissakes can't you just, it's only _________________, for Chrissakes".
I don't think I could respect someone quite that cowardly.
I CANNOT BELIEVE your Dh's responses and attitudes. You've stepped out and so you're to hang your head in shame when MIL dies, you go to funeral and everyone KNOWS you didn't 'go the distance'?? That just made my blood boil. (if you care--people will probably say "wow, she did WAY more than expected!!)
He's deflecting HIS shame, HIS lack of help, HIS guilt, on to you. Don't accept it!
As a church going man--doesn't 'care for the widows and young' apply to him? Or can he not see the huge beam in his own eye, for looking at the mote in yours??
Good grief--his own mother should be his first priority--as far as service!! I know they had a rocky past---but he is willing to let you jump into what he knows is a tough situation, and is happy to let you do so (for the past 15 years!!!). And, in my experience on this earth, God's hand is usually seen as somebody here doing His will. Yeah, MIL wants to live in her house at her direction, until the cloud comes to get her. Sorry, she's not going to get that. She's going to fall again. She's going to be back in the hospital--and this time, somebody better d2m# well step up and say FIRMLY--"she has no help at home, she will NOT accept outside help" and then maybe you'll actually get her where she's belonged for years. But not w/o a huge cost to you, and your marriage.
I would suggest that you now totally block SIL's calls and texts. Tell her you are more than happy to sit and face to face with her, but no more texts directing your life. You simply won't be receiving them. TELL her that DH simply doesn't respond to the texts, so she can continue texting him and he will continue ignoring them, and to expect that. TELL her that she can twist in the wind, but you aren't going to be involved in this hot mess anymore. Period.
Sadly, you know if you jump back in with a big toe, they'll have you right back in the driver's seat within days. It's too bad they can't see the big picture, but they can't and also, they won't.
I'd suggest your daughters also do the same--although they seem to have pretty good boundaries set up already.
SIL's word isn't worth the air it's written on. She never intended to take MIL to IL. She kept thinking you'd hop back in, all energized. Well---that's on her, and DH.
I think you are completely welcome to your feelings. Feel what you feel for as long as you need, then move on. (I have a 4 yo grandson who gets upset, and one day I asked him something--he was just in a bad mood, and even tho he WANTED to do what I'd suggested, he said "Nonny, I am going to say no to everything until I feel like I can say yes." Wow, wisdom for the ages. And he's 4!!!!
This too, shall pass. The damage left behind, the anger--will last a while. I hope you can strong for whatever time remains.
Personally, I would have thrown something at my hubby. And made dang sure it hit him too. And I am one of the calmest people I know :)
{{Hugs}}
My mother used to say "have you heard from P?"
What, this year, do you mean?
My SIL was forever asking me what my student children were doing for the various holidays. What, like I'd know? Ha! If you find out, do pass it on...
I sympathise very slightly more with SIL on this, because DH is being bloody rude and keeps hiding instead of talking, and she goes through you in desperation. After all, she DID text him first and he - as everyone can, nowadays - glanced, didn't read, and scrolled on.
Mind you. When my (other) SIL at last nagged my brother into calling me to discuss respite care the conversation went extremely badly. This, I now understand, is what happens when you force someone to have a conversation he doesn't want to have. He will f*** it up. Almost on principle.
SIL needs to contact DH direct, because going through you is a dead-end. You can't make DH talk.
DH needs to contact SIL, because there are conversations that NEED to be had.
You could put those two points in one text and send it simultaneously to both of them?
Though DH probably won't read his... sigh... 🙄
Now when my inlaws try to use me as the intermediary i flat out tell them - "No, I don't know if he get your text" Well - can you check. "You'll need to call him" He didn't return our calls. "Well if you have texted and called then you just need to wait for him to get back to you" Can you talk to him about ... "no, i can't. It's between you all and he gets angry when i insert myself". It has taken alot of holding firm, but the last thing i need is DH ignoring his parents latest demands, then his parents mad at me that i didn't make him call back, and DH mad at me for my attempting to get him to call them back. ENOUGH.
Good luck - take care. Deep breaths.
This weekend I had a similar conversation with my husband but one thing has changed.
"This is a partnership - I cannot care more and do more for your infirm family members than you have been willing to do over the years."
My Army nephew calls it "mission creep". You start with a list and trying to do your best job and the next thing you know you've got the entire platoon's job on your shoulders while they're drinking beer.
Or churching:)
You are not unkind. You do care more about what others think of you than is good for you. I have found that other's people's opinions, good or bad, never picked up a dirty floor, changed a loaded diaper, or picked up dog food for me or my loved ones. Opinions are like a$$holes, everyone's got one and they're frequently smelly and unclean. Block SIL's number. Block MIL's number. They are wearing you down and won't contact your husband if they can get you because DH will IGNORE them. If it's ok for him, it's more than OK for you. Put one toe back in the water, and you'll be drowning for sure. I told my husband this weekend that his brother and his lack of planning will no longer be my responsibility. It's gonna be ugly in the next year.
You are in a tough spot now. You are in what my cousin calls the 'it's only..... for chrissake, can't you just......" period. She retired from teaching five years ago about the time her IN LAWs started decline but chose to stay in their house & leapt at the fact that she was retired. She was running to doctor, grocery, bringing in this or that. She rebelled and tried to quit. Her DH didn't support her - he has a roofing company and was in the field for 12 hour days. She convinced her in laws to use the senior transport for doctor appointments and delivery for groceries. but it is all of the million small items that are the small razor cuts - the dog food is gone and there are two dogs. Her husband "It's only a bag of dog food, for chrissake is it too much to ask that you pick some up when you are out today?" Or her absolute hated ones - her FIL not managing his meds right with the mail delivery. he is out of heart meds. He needs them today - so she is on the phone with the doctor to get a prescription to a local pharmacy then has to pick up and deliver the meds.
She and her DH fight about this all of the time. She has started to restrict her time to Wednesday afternoons. She will run errands during that time but if anything comes up during that time - they'll have to wait. Or, if the damn dog food runs out - she'll get it, but she'll wait until DH gets home hungry and tired and make him run it out to the IN LAWs. It is a constant battle because her DH and inlaws think that since she is retired she is the one with the time and she is being selfish for not giving that time.
I think clearly your DH thinks you are being uncaring and selfish. It is going to be very tough to hold your boundaries without his support because this is going to be between you and him. "I'm working to put food on the table Dorker, and you can't even run a small errand to get the damn dog treats out to Mom? You know how she loves that dog......" and you are going to be the bad guy for saying no.
In a perfect world, i would love to hear you say "you and your sister have had plenty of time to deal with your mom's needs and you haven't. Your lack of planning is not my emergency". but i think your marriage is going to be tested now as never before.
Good luck and God Bless, my friend. Vent here - keep us posted.
It's okay, you know. Everything he said was actually about him, not about you.
"You walked away" = "you exposed the fact that for years you had been compensating for the job I should have been doing. I don't want to talk to you about it." When, actually, he doesn't want to talk about it at all. He wants God's hands to intervene, magically, in some way that is kind to his mother and avoids disagreeable conversations.
"When the going got tough you threw in the towel..."
Oh the poor lamb. You did the easy bit, and now he's having to do the hard bit..? Oh poor him.
When the going got dangerous and irresponsible, you called a halt. Actually. This going is not "tough." This going is - remind me? Oh yes. Preposterous.
Feel better. You are RIGHT.
I think of the bullet points and how .. yes .. in normal situations that might work perfectly. Make an outline of a rudimentary set of daily things that have to be seen to .. and put it on poster board for God's sake with blinking lights all around it.
I don't have the energy and wherewithall at this point to give a chit enough to even put it in writing .. much less try to organize it all. I'm just .. as I said .. withered at this point.
Would it matter anyway? Probably not. Why bother.
You are amazing. Look back. You have built good boundaries from scratch - from none at all to fine, robust health - in nine months. Very, very few natural-born carers (as you happen to be) are capable of doing this. It is a tribute to your practical common sense and firmness of character.
You used an extremely good word up there: preposterous.
The notion that MIL - leaving aside the question, which is a question rather than a current certainty, of her soundness of mind - is capable of managing independently is indeed preposterous.
As an exercise, you could bullet point the tasks involved in a typical week: the ADL's, the errands, the general running schedule. No comments or descriptions, just what they are. Add a note at the end: "This is a conservative summary of MIL's everyday maintenance requirements. To suggest that she can manage it independently is preposterous. The three of you need to think again." Pin it to their respective foreheads, metaphorically speaking.
On a philosophical note, MIL's soundness of mind. Well. Especially in her category of decline, it isn't only a question of whether her brain is working, it's whether it is in active use. The physical and mental fatigue she experiences - you were right, again, about this - is likely to mean that although she is aware of what needs to be done, and that someone has to do it if she can't, she simply isn't up to solving the problems she identifies and following through. It isn't a lack of understanding, it's a lack of the energy to implement. Internally, it all goes in the "too difficult" tray. As we all, don't we, think "oh I must get round to..." and then just don't, because we haven't time or can't be bothered or anyway haven't worked out the how; so she is doing that about whole swathes of tasks. She's knackered. She hasn't the basic energy. She is just too tired.
That is no criticism. It's a condition of her age and her health profile, it isn't her *fault*. But there does come a point where her consent to assistance becomes academic, where you don't hang about waiting for her permission to support her, you just do it. That seems to be what SIL is failing to recognise.
And quite where DH's head is at, God knows. If he spent as much time talking to his sister as he devotes to wishing all this away they'd probably have solved this early last year.
My premise, .. I've asked you (not recently because I let it go, seeing there isn't to be any movement) ... that you sit down face-to-face with your sister and talk this all through. How is it that a "decision" is made, there won't be any move to IL for MIL to be looked after, and that decision doesn't encompass those on this end, .. who have to support/prop this situation up.
This caused "words" here on this end. His premise, "consult with who?!?!?!, you backed out of it all, you don't have a say in any of it, .. you backed out, you washed your hands of it, it doesn't impact you whatever decisions are made, ... ".
My questions to him. Who is going to go get her God Forsaken specialty dog treats and dog foods .. who is going to haul her dog to the groomer, who is going to wash her dog for her routinely, .. who is going to get her to the doctor in the event of illness, .. who is going to get supplies to her in the event of illness, ... does anybody in any of this take those things under consideration .. no ... it just sounds like your mother's want not to leave her home ... and stay firmly entrenched there is the only consideration given the whole thing .. nobody talks/weighs out the whole scenario and how it will look.
Again I'm told, "it doesn't matter .. you walked away from it all ... you have no dog in this fight".
My responses to that, "DH .. they say themselves they rarely hear from you, I know you, I know your world .. some of that is because you simply are over taxed period and don't have the time .. some of it is because you don't MAKE THE TIME .... and so . it surely isn't you they figure will take up the torch to answer to the above dilemmas .. you won't even go, I've asked you to go out there and spend the night with her, .. just simply because she's lonely and you frown upon doing that and don't do it, ... I've asked you to scoot out and go have breakfast with her in the morning .. just because she's lonely ... and you won't do it .. I've asked that you make it a pattern that every other Sunday after church, it's your duty to go and have lunch with your mom.. mark it in stone .. you won't do it ... and we know damn well that you don't have the time to attend to the ill conceived need of a bunch of dog treats and dog need .. and much less when your mom is ailing. This decision gets made without so much as consulting anyone else .. and there are others that are impacted by this decision.
I don't want to fight about it all, but that's just what is happening. I see the crystal ball, as it has played out in the past, .. it's coming again. MIL falls .. and is now ailing and can't ambulate well, around her house ... or MIL gets sick with some stomach bug and isn't adequately caring for herself .. as to intake of fluids and so forth ..
DH isn't gonna be johnny on the spot and sit and hold his mom's hand thru the trials listed above .. nor is he gonna be one to go out of his way and deliver special dog treats and dog foods and dog grooming services ... it's not gonna happen.
The only answers he provides are as follows:
You stepped away from it, you don't get to call the shots ...
This isn't about you Dorker, .. it's about my mom
Maybe the good Lord will see fit to take her right from her home, where she wants to be
I'll have to step up more (see prior posts on that as an approach to it all)
As I told him, you have yet to dig in your heels on it all, and take a firm stance yourself that you don't sign on for this as a plan going forward.
His answer to that is that he did .. his mom was saying to him recently .. a week or so ago, that she doesn't think she needs to have to leave her home, a home that is perfectly set up for her. That he talked with her, and said to her it's no longer safe for her to live alone, she is a fall risk .. and that she agreed .. and said she's going to have to put it in God's hands, ... him talking .. and so I let it go .. I'm not going to yell at my mom and scream at her, and tie her up and put her on a plane .. and I'm not gonna gonna scream at my sister .. hell it's been all on her this past four months that she's been here, I haven't been out there doing the duty she has and I feel awful about it ...
His approach ... as he says it ... we can't plan for every possible contingency .. we just have to take day to day .. and do the best we can ... we know .. they know .. you are out .. you want no part of it, they are hurt that you took this approach ... I sat and talked to mom about it, .. and told her that Dorker is out of it, .. and she was trying to understand why .. and I told her .. "Mom when Dorker takes you to doctor appointments and you don't follow through, you don't take your meds like you've been instructed, you don't follow through with PT or whatever .. she feels like she's wasting her time .. and she feels like you are no longer safe to be living alone". He said, she listened/acknowledged and seemingly understood .. but he goes on to say they are hurt and ... that the whole thing ... the whole set up .. with my absence in it all, really throws a major kink in the whole thing.
My response to that is this: "Why has there been NO .. ZERO .. effort at any compromise, it can't be all about your mom and her wishes in it all ... I was literally in the damn roads every day meeting need ... ill conceived need .. wild good chases ... and rabbit holes a plenty ... in some cases ... I implored that we need to engage outsiders/3rd parties, that I can't keep doing this, that fell flat .. MIL asserting she knows what to do and she'll do it .. and yet she doesn't .. she fails at med management, hydration/nutrition/follow thru on doc orders .. continuously ... and so I suggest that she doesn't need to live alone anymore ... and that too falls flat .. and yet now I'm to deal with the fact they are hurt and bewildered in my absence in it all ... and has anyone picked up the phone to ask that we sit down and talk face to face, so that my concerns in it all can be aired. Nope. Even though I've asked.
The bottom line here is that the barbs are being slung in my direction at this point, for my failure to continue to prop up an untenable situation. That's the bottom line and I'm being made to be the heavy in it all.
I guess a decision gets made that MIL be allowed to continue living alone .. no real efforts .. at least as far as I'm aware .. certainly not from DH's corner ... to persuade otherwise .. and the fact that I'm out of it all, .. and not propping it up .. short of stepping back in to be the fetcher and go-to in it all, finds me less than and the real chit-azz in it all ...
As I told him, "maybe it's not me that's the chit azz here .. maybe it's your mom and her absolute dug in refusal to see things from the prism that when one needs help as much as she does .. she needs to figure out how she's going to accommodate those that are in the position to provide that help".
He says that he will be going out there (ha .. they already run it up the flagpole that they hear very little from him) and he will voice his concerns, the concerns I listed, but that if they are dug in firm .. and entrenched that the approach will be to leave her here, .. then so be it, . .. he's not going to let it be a problem .. and he will just have to take it as it comes .. as to need and otherwise with his mom, going forward.
What would I do differently if it were my mom?
My mom .. would be told, that it's no longer viable that she live alone .. and she can either come live with me, ... and I will assist her (its' my mom and I'd be the one hands on .. vs .. this situation .. this isn't my mom .. ) ... I will assist her until I'm not able to anymore, .. or her situation is not one I can continue to help with .. or she can choose a facility (something she now says .. at a completely healthy and functioning 76 years olds) she says that she doesn't want to be this problem to her kids .. and g'kids, that MIL is being selfish and should be called on it .. upending everyone's world .. how dare her .. and that if it's her time and she can't function .. find the nicest place we can and get her there .. and just come see her. That's what she says ... and of course, .. that gets thrown in my face with the "yea she says that now, she may feel differently when it's her at that doorstep". But my approach would be just as I describe.
I wouldn't be running to her rescue everytime she falls and/or has diahrea .. or her pet needs (rabbit holes) .. she would find that she has little to no help in managing it all, she can .. do as she indicated she wanted, .. go to an AL facility or hire the help she needs ...
Vs what goes on here .. the dog needs treats I can't go get .. the dog needs the specialty foods I can't go pick up .. the dog needs grooming and I can't get out to get there .. and then the host of other issues that have to be attended to.
Withering tension here. Short of my stepping back up to the plate and swinging for the fences, I'm the chit azz in it all, that's about the sum of it all.
As I said last night ... "I was in it! I was in it all for a long long time, 15 damn years . and I always said .. all thru it, .. until the need got too great ... and that's where it got to, the need got to be too great and I said so .. but no one would do anything any differently and I can't make them change anymore than you can .. but I can change what I do .. and that's what I did".
That gets responded to with the following:
"Yea you hung in there for 15 years but when the going got tough .. you threw in the towel .. I thought you did what you did out of love for my mom .. for my family ... when you love someone you don't throw in the towel you walk the walk .. and you do it and see it thru so that one day when there is a funeral you go to that funeral with your head held high that you stayed the course .. you stuck in the trenches with it".
I disagree. I vehemently disagree with the above sentiment.
So that's where things stand .. at an impasse.
I do realize that no one can make anyone do anything .. that includes MIL and getting her to go with her daughter to be looked after. I get it .. .can't "make" her do anything.
But does that mean that I have to be *in service* to a situation that is a big fat nothing but a charade .. no it doesn't. This is a person who ... yes .. if all is going well, she stumbles around there on her own .. and things rock along .. but the dog gets sick .. she can't manage it .. heaven forbid she gets sick, all bets are off ... she falls ... all bets are off ... she can't manage the pet she owns without assistance .. she can't even manage herself and her well being, absent someone there to hand her pills to her and insist she take them .. she can't even manage to eat decently .. unless someone is there to hold her hand and sit with her ...
But yes .. let's all prop it all up .. and everyone jump thru hoops.
So I'm being made to be the chit azz in it all, because I don't rubber stamp my approval in it all .. yes by all means .. she's doing splendid let's leave things as is and not have a problem with it. I'm the adult in the room and also the chitazz realist in it all.
Let MIL have her way."
I totally agree with BarbBrooklyn.
MIL is of sound mind, so no one can force her to do anything. You say that the testing to show cognitive decline wasn't done in the hospital last summer. So be it. There have been other opportunities and neither SIL nor H seem to think it's necessary.
You have mentioned a few times helping as you can...that is dangerous wording for you, Dorker. Don't get sucked back into helping prop up MIL in her "independent" life.
You say you don't really have anger towards MIL, but rather towards her children. Remember, they are only doing what MIL wants, which is to be left to die in her own home. YOUR vision of what she needs isn't THEIR (or MIL's) vision of her needs.
I think H knows that you won't be helping out with MIL anymore. But you seem to think he will still expect it?
I am curious, though...what would you do differently if this was your own mother?
My mother has failing cognitive skills. She isn't doing what she should do for her own good. For instance, she should have someone monitor her showers (very bad balance, neuropathy in her feet) and help her get dressed. She also needs someone to do some light cleaning.
What would you do in my place? I suppose you would go twice a day to assist with dressing/undressing/showering? And you would clean her condo?
Well, I refuse to do these things (even though I live just 2+ miles/7 mins. away). My mother can well afford to hire help, and she refuses. I suppose many on this site would think me a bad daughter. How could I let my mother be unsafe?
I'll tell you how I do it. I have set very firm boundaries with my mother. It is true that I would do more for her if she treated me better. But after I'm told that I don't do much for her at all, that I am "not right in the head" and that my time isn't worth as much as my golden boy out-of-state brothers, I just want to distance myself. My brothers also think my mother should in an ALF, but she won't do it. So they care about as much as your H cares about his mother. They won't push the issue with her. (And why should they, since *I* am the one who is boots on the ground?)
Keep firm with your boundaries. I sense some waffling in the future, once SIL goes back to IL. This is not your battle. Just stay out of it.
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Reinhold Niebuhr
Dorker, one final thing (I think I'm signing off on this thread, as addictive as it is). My mom told me early in life that to nag is "unlovely". My mother and I had a fraught and not always friendly relationship, but I will tell you that THAT is the truest thing ever spoken.
That and "when someone is ill, you need the lying down person and the standing up person; the lying down person just CANNOT do what needs to be done".
Even with dementia, she was very, very wise.
The only thing that ANY of you can do in real time is to let her experience the effects of her denial of her condition.
She thinks she's independent? Let her have her independence. Provide her with phone numbers of services.
If she hasn't been diagnosed with dementia, and if the AAA still thinks she can be maintained in her home with external support, then let her do it.
It's just not in your locus of control to change this.
What's the AA saying? The strength to change what we can, the something to see what we can't change and the wisdom to see the difference?
Don't nag your husband. It's his mom.
He cares or he doesnt. He knows what can and can't be done.
"I'm sorry, you'll have to make other arrangements for that"
SIL also informs that her son and family intend to visit the states end of June into July.
So no, I don't see SIL making a trek back this way to load up mom and dog, to bring them on board there in IL, as a welcoming crew to her son and family.
August would be about what I would be looking towards, if there is to be any move.
Wasn't it originally to be in March that she'd be back to load her mom up and start for the long haul. But then her mom fell at xmas .. and then all bets were off, as MIL then convalescing from the fall, then the MOHS procedure on the books. And so April was mentioned as the next date to mark on the calendar.
April is approaching and now we see where it's all going.
I wish there was a switch in me to turn off this ugliness and vile anger that I feel.
I feel resentment that MIL and her refusal to make any move, then impacts my world.
No it doesn't have to, .. I realize that. I can simply refuse, as I have done the last several months, .. to be a part and parcel of this whole charade.
But that doesn't then negate the very real scenarios that do go on, that pull at your humanity. Her ill with some bug/ailment and no one there to care for her, at all. I know, her choice, she could/should, willingly go with her daughter .. and then she has someone there to care for her in the event of illness. But she won't, .. thus .. the maladies that crop up .. and they will ... with her living here, all alone .. and you feel the 'pull' of this poor helpless feeble old person .. and somebody needs to help her.
And just FWIW ... as to the dynamics of this whole thing. I am not even sure that MIL is the one that should be the target for any anger in it all, as the thing plays out in it's daily existence.
MIL .. is just merrily doing her thing, exiting in her home, that's how things play out .. truly. Merrily doing her own thing.
SIL checking in with her mom 3 and 4 x's daily if not more, .. MIL .. nothing really to talk about, she doesn't go anywhere, do anything, isn't able. And so she happens to mention .. "oh ya know, I've got to get out and get that dog food, they've called me a few days ago that it's in .. and I just can't get there, haven't felt up to it".
OR
Just happens to mention to the SIL: "Ya know I just haven't felt good the last couple of days .. I just, my stomach is really bothering me .. I just don't feel good".
OR
"Ya know .. I really haven't felt up to it to get to the store recently and I'm going to have to push to do that .. and get some thing, I'm just about out of everything".
These kinds of things might get mentioned in one of numerous check ins by her daughter daily ......
It's not MIL that is in my ear, .. with the above "need" (valid or not valid need) ... MIL doesn't call me. SIL would be the one putting that on my radar through the whole thing.
"Mother says that dog food is in but she hasn't felt up to getting it, just wondering if you have some time to go pick it up .. I know she's about out of the food she already had for the dog .. and she just hasn't felt up to it, to go get it".
OR
"Mother says that she hasn't been feeling well, some stomach problems .. I just wonder if maybe she has the right things to eat there, .. do you think you could run out there and/or maybe go pick up some things for her, some bland rice, .. maybe some bananas, some jello cups .. ya know, just something, .. so that she is at least putting something in her stomach ... and not getting too weak, maybe just check on her ... I'm trying to get her to go to the doctor, .. maybe if I can get an appointment could you get her to the appointment".
OR
"Mother says she is out of almost everything in her house .. and hasn't felt up to getting to the store ... do you think you could check with her, and maybe get a list of a few things she needs and run it out to her".
These things come from afar, not from MIL.
I have been so consumed with it all today .. I guess having let myself be deluded into thinking she'd actually be well cared for under her daughter's watchful eye, in IL. Shame on me!
And now I find out (should've known all along) .. that isn't to be the case.
So SIL now goes back to her life in IL .. and will be talking to her mom from afar, 3 and 4 x's daily if not more and the perceived "need" that crops up .. it will be my charge not to bite the hook again.
As I'd gotten so good at reminding all involved .. and will now have to once again walk that tight rope .. "Uhm .. I thought she was good to leave alone to manage ... no .. won't be going to the grocery for her, saw her as a matter of fact over the weekend, shame she didn't mention that when we were there". OR .. "No .. I don't have time to go pick up her specialty dog food that's been in at the vet for a week now, hope she feels better soon and can be up to doing so".
I guess, for me, .. it all boils down to .. and that's what makes my blood boil ... if she's okay to leave alone .. then she's okay to manage the above and more .. IMO. And then beckoning others into service routinely to meet that need, isn't viable. And it makes me absolutely white-hot mad.
Go away again .. and then beckon with all the "need" perceived and otherwise. Just because you happen to talk to your mom 3 and 4 x's daily to check on her .. if your'e that worried about her, then why do you allow that she continue to stay home with no assistance?
And I don't even think MIL does this maliciously .. as in a *I know, I'll mention it to daughter in one of her numerous phone calls daily ... yea .. that'll do it, she'll then get in Dorker's ear about it, .. and someone will come running lickety split and get it all done for me and if I'm lucky maybe there will be an outing in it all for me, yea that's it, that's what I'll do".
I don't think MIL does that with malicious intent. I think it truly does come down to, MIL has nothing to talk about .. what does any damn body have to talk about in 3 and 4 daily phone calls. You run out of things to say. MIL doesn't go anywhere, to an interesting restaurant or movie, or play or anything of the sort .. so she doesn't have those things to reflect upon to tell her daughter just in passing conversation.
No, all she has to talk about is the so and so she sees out her window, that she so wishes she could get out there and take care of (weeds, fencing that is leaning, tree limb hanging, area that needs to be re-sodded, you name it) or any of the above .. dog food, groceries, feeling ill, etc.
It's all she has to talk about. SIL then takes it . and runs with it .. and then it's her charge to, from afar, run it up the flagpole here on this end .. to get it met .. whatever "it" is as to the perceived need.
I was even thinking earlier on it all, okay .. she's been here for almost 4 months . it isn't fair to her to give up her life entirely in service to her needy mom .. a mom that CLEARLY does not want to leave her home and will almost at all cost .. stay planted firmly where she is. SO SIL .. shouldn't be expected to then give up her life entirely in service to this debacle.
I began to think, "well maybe it's a matter that SIl stays here 4 months .. and she is hands on, .. and takes care of it, .. then we take over, she goes home for 4 months and we take over .........
But that isn't even viable. MIL when there is a de-railing of some sort, requires 24/7 attendance. There is no one here retired and able to do 24/7 hands-on, all hands on deck care, as SIL has had to do the almost 4 months she's been here. So that isn't even a workable solution, not really.
I guess, just trying to articulate why I am so blood boiling angry over it all ...
This puts me right back at square 1 of trying to distance myself from it all .. where I had thought there'd be no need to do that .. fooled myself I suppose that there'd be a true re-alignment of it all, MIL safely tucked away under SIL's care in IL. Not to be.
So the "need" will begin anew when SIL departs .. and it will be this "azz" here (me) that has to then stick to the hard line approach "gee, I thought you had all those bases covered, in leaving her and allowing she continue to live alone .. no I won't be going to get her dog food reach out to your brother".
Answer forthcoming (been there, seen it) from her: "I texted him a day or two ago and he hasn't answered, could you ask him to take care of that, or maybe have him give me a call".
Both of which then cause anguish in my life and then responsibility has been handed to me now to see this through. DH comes in from work, .. "Oh hey your sister has been trying to get you, something about the dog needing to get to the groomer, .. and your mom not able to do it, she wants you to see if you can get with your mom on that".
That gets me with, "I don't have time for that CHIT dorker .. you know that .. hell I've been in after dark every night this week .. I don't have time for that .. ".
Me: "Okay well let your sister know, I'm outta this".
Him: "Just let her know that I'll get with mom .. ".
Me: "Ok, .. just let your sister know that you'll touch base with your mom, I'm outta this".
Next thing ya know another text from SIL a day or two later, "Did you ever have a chance to talk with my brother about the dog needing to get to the vet (or the myraid of other whatevers it might be) ... I never heard from him".
Me: "yes I told him".
SIL: "Did he say if he was going to handle it".
Me: "Not sure, he said he'd get with you".
SIL: "Strange haven't heard from him ... I know mom wants the dog to be washed and groomed .. I hate for her to have to do it herself, .. I worry she'll fall, trying to bend over and deal with washing him and such .. I just wish he would answer me".
Me: "I'll remind him".
Fast forward to when DH walks in from work, now with more urgency and venom in my tone, "talk to your sister damnit .... she's back in my ear again", ..
And round it round it goes with the above scenario playing out again ..
I want out of it all, that's why this all makes my blood boil. This isn't my mother and all her perceived need .. this isn't my mother and all her whims of what she can and cannot manage on her own .. (dog needs, etc.) ... and her son .. a son that lives here in the same city .. a lot of times is indeed too over-taxed with work .. but not always .. but also can fill that time quite nicely with churching and/or chores around here ... So I get the wrath when these .. what he would consider to be inconsequential needs crop up .. the dog needing to be groomed/washed/specialty foods to be picked up .. you name it ...
For a long long time, I ran interference on it all, and it all worked swimmingly well, .. MIL's whims/needs (ill conceived need or not) were met by Dorker running the roads and hauling her hither and yon ... and all was well with the world. SIL could waltz into town hop on the hamster wheel and work like a slave for two or three weeks and waltz out again .. and directives begin flying this way and Dorker is johnny on the spot taking care of it, and DH outta the loop entirely.
UNTIL .....
And now, .. here we are .. yet again .. MIL being left alone .. SIL even admitting it's not optimal .. but off she will go and the directives will begin flying.
It's one thing to care for and assist with an elderly mother in law who is prone to varying degrees of need dependent upon whatever the latest calamity is. Quite another to also now care for her aging pet .. a pet that has all kinds of specialty shampoos and foods and treats and grooming need .. and such and so forth. It's enough to care for the elderly person .. and do for them (some) .. but now add into it a pet .. that's a bridge too far for me.
So can I then call upon the daughters that live here.
A) why is that my responsibility to coordinate, this isn't my mother that I choose to leave to live alone and manage a pet she can no longer manage.
B) that still puts the onus on me, to see it through as to the care and completion of whatever that need may be.
Get with OD .. she works all the time, .. literally like 12 hour days ... six days a week and the one day off she gets, .. she's not prone to be stepping and fetching for anyone/anywhere. It's her decompress day and she will tell ya that, quite quickly.
Get with DD .. mother of 3 kids under age 5. Yea okay I know busy you are DD, but would you mind loading up all 3 kids and going to get MIL's dog to haul him to the groomer .. she can't seem to get there . isnt' feeling up to it .. and quite frankly I will help with some things but pet care aint one of em .. sorry that means we then have to ask you to load up 3 kids into car seats and lug em around .. how's that work for ya?
Preposterous .. and ridiculous is about how that all falls.
Get with YD .. "Mom I have to work every day this week, and then I'm going out of town this weekend, don't have time".
So now, .. whatever chore dujour it was that was on the radar, is still unspoken to as to anyone to meet that need.
And yes I've suggested .. numerous times, .. there are dog groomers in mobile vans that come to you, sit right in your driveway and groom/wash the dog .. why don't we do that .. seem she struggles routinely to get her dog adequately cared for in that arena .. let's go ahead and have a mobile groomer come to her.
Response to that, "oh she'd never pay for that, .. that place up the road from her, they do it for like $20 .. those mobile groomers they want like an arm and a leg for it".
So you want to scream, .. "THE PERILS OF OWNING AN ANIMAL YOU CAN NO LONGER CARE FOR YOURSELF ................... NOT MY PROBLEM".
As you can tell this one lone text this morning this one lone long winding text has sent me into a tailspin. I have been over wrought all day with it all. Needing to unload and burst an aorta over it all. But where, .. try to rant to DH . his response will be, "well we'll all just have to step up more, including me .. I'll just have to make the time". See past posts on that whole saga .. it doesn't happen.
Round and round it goes, .. and my charge is to stay off the crazy charade of a merry-go-round. Once again. And once again, wear the Jackazz that won't cooperate hat.
"I really respect how you (DH) have made boundaries with your mom. It's been hard to understand sometimes, but she has not been reasonable, and you, DH, have allowed her to make those bad decisions for herself out of respect. It's so considerate and loving of him to allow her that dignity for so long. That you had to do the same thing and make boundaries when the twins were expected, and that has really helped you not resent her intruding on your life, that you can love her like a mother in law. He is such a good example to you for letting people live with their bad choices.
"We want to be united, and I just need to remind you, DH, to stay strong and remember that you are not available to tend MIL 24/7, with work and church obligations. We are both on the same side, and Sister does not seem to understand yet. She has no reason to know that if you moved MIL in here, I would have to move out to keep my sanity. As a social worker, she should understand boundaries.
"We should tell Sister that we respect her need for taking care of her family, as that is exactly what we have been trying to show her all along. MIL cannot understand how difficult this is. We respect that Sister has a life of her own."
Then you can see what your dear husband wants to do. And you remind him, "Oh no, I'm not getting involved with that again. Boundaries keep me sane."