I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Me: Oh and let me put it out there, you guys do with this info what you will ... the stepmom . maintains and with much fixation there is an addiction on his part to oxy .. I don't know one way or the other, the validity to that beef .. I can't speak to that, . I don't live there in their HH. But .. I will tell you that it is a point of more combativeness and hostility in their world, her insistence there is an addiction to same. But I can also share with you . FWIW . she seems to have a fixation in general as to pills . and the supposed dangers of "all" pills, so whether or not there is any validity to that, I can't verify for you. I stay out of it, . my feeling is that docs . not reputable ones .. aren't going to over-rx opiates . not in today's climate . and so .. if he is getting legitimate rx's ... that's good enough for me, ..
Her response as she looks over the chart: "let's see, . pain management .. okay yea I see here .. no . it doesn't look like it's problematic . nothing I see to indicate that".
Me: Ok, .. well, just bears mentioning IMO .. as to the bigger picture in what goes on in their world.
Moved on from that.
As to what is his deal that he finds it suitable to leave his wife out in the cold, . and knowing . fully well .. how anchoring he and his well being and his presence is to her mental state. I can only speak (not making excuses for him, because while he is presently ill, yes . he wasn't .. weeks/months ago . not as ill as he is right now) .. I can only state that dealing with her .. when I say it's combative and hostile .. to even say much of anything to her, . that doesn't jive with what her agenda is .. much less any topic that approaches, "gee, let's get you seen/evaluated by a neuro psych" ..
I can say also . that the first I became aware of this was back in 2018 . and dad no . not sick at that time . other than his back malady that had been problematic for years and years . and worsening. That's the first I really became aware of any mental slip on her part, . .and that was because we'd gone out, all of us . .out to dinner, for what was their 50th wedding anniversary . and my dad having warned me in a phone call prior (see, I wasn't around them much . still am not) . .that her brain is slipping . and that may be evident when we are together, to enjoy dinner out, and it was .. as she really kinda leaned into him as to menu selection .. (seemed to be more than she can do to look at the items listed on the menu and make any informed decison as to what her palate might be in the mood for . and him having to make that decision on her behalf) ..
That was back in 2018 ..
No he wasn't as ill and compromised in those days. Why did he not take the bull by the horns and get a psych eval on order, ... when he was more able bodied . to insist on same? I don't know, he didn't. Maybe a hope springs eternal . that maybe she'd loose her mind completely like her mother ultimately did and he wouldn't be twisting in the wind .. with . all it takes to deal with her, and him also so compromised .. I really don't know. Only mention that to note an awareness of her mental faculties slipping back 2 years ago . and yet even at that point, no real move to address it.
At this juncture, .. in today's world . with what he has weathered, .. on that one, I do get it, that he is too weak to stand in that fight at this point, far too weak . I get it.
I also get it . that he had to make the move to go "confidential" .. maybe .. I don't know . if maybe her daughter has brought her up to speed, "Mom . he blocked your ability to even know where he is, .. everyone's ability ... no one can know .. yes he is safe, . yes being cared for, but not in communication with ANYONE . that was his own doing .. " .
I have no idea if her daughter has maybe imparted that to her by now, I haven't asked. The likelihood she'd remember
The answer will tell you what you need to know about HIS cognitive skills and reality testing.
Its one big demented merry-go-round.
EXCEPT -
this ride doesn’t keep everyone rotating in a status quo environment. This ride just gets worse and worse with every rotation.
DH and I have been here with this. It sucks. But someone needs to grow a pair and help K. (Not you. CTTN probably nailed it with the “someone to blame” theory.) K is a seriously compromised individual, terrified and confused, all alone at home, whose husband is basically throwing her to the wolves.
Oh, and daughter would probably be helped to understand that the routine in an AL/Memory care environment will probably HELP her mother. It will be true stability and routine... nothing like she has now at home. It is a mercy to mitigate the fear, not a curse.
Not to mention helping to ensure K doesn’t set the house on fire or ?
She is ill. I can understand how you want no part of her because of the territorial stuff. And you are right to be that way. But he has no right to be that way. As her spouse, he is responsible at this point for her well-being.
He is weak and yes, this is overwhelming to him. I get locking down contact via phone to stop incessant calls. But, withholding himself completely from her? Wow. And even if that is a viable option, one would expect him to at least get in touch with her from time to time... to suck it up because he is her HUSBAND for God’s sake.
If he is in truly in his right mind, this should be disturbing to everyone. Her lack of care for him due to dementia is a very different animal to his lack of care for her. In other words, he knows better. Or should. I still have doubts as to his cognition in some respects.
This suggests to me that he has either hit the place of profound dysfunction in empathy or that he wants her to be the bad guy. Because you and he have a common enemy if she is the bad guy. Which makes you more malleable over time because he can make you feel badly for him... He knows your (very understandable) frustration with K. He may start to use that as a tool.
You, Dorker, are doing a good job of what we call on another discussion board “rinse and repeat“.
And he can sign full POAs in the hospital... even in lockdown, they can be emailed, printed and witnessed. So, he could change those (for himself) without even discussing it with K. If he doesn’t want to do that... well, I can see why you don’t want to pull in to this.
Especially, since he is still talking about home being first choice. NO. At home is the only place where he is at a physical disadvantage to her. He needs to protect himself from being in that position again. That option needs to be removed. I have come to a point where I do not think caregivers at home work when someone exhibits the behaviors that K’s level of dementia causes. They just need to be replaced again and again until right back at square one.
If I were him, I would set up AL right away for when he gets out of rehab... for both of them. She will be more malleable... someone picks her up to bring her to see him there and there they stay. Hasn’t she always wanted to stay in the hospital with him... he can pretend AL is a hospital. He will be physically stronger then. Anyway, that might be an option. Then, if she fights and fights later... cross that bridge then.
None of this is yours to own:) I am just venting ideas... and concern. He KNOWS full well that woman is lost without him. The lack of care of that on his part is... if he maintains his own abilities, well, it’s like a parent not giving a crap about their child’s well-being. Even an annoying, ill-behaved child doesn’t deserve such lack of regard.
And, Dorker, my prayers have been with you for the DD situation... for you, for her, for the family. You and DH have handled that as well as anyone can... hopefully, God can take that mess and build something more beautiful from it that is maybe hard to see right now. I am always in awe of how that can happen:) Take good care.
Plan B Do not. Go somewhere else.
Both are valid destinations.
Plan A may or may not be a quick stop before it loops back to ride around again though.
CTTN's got it. Sounds like he is nearly ready for Plan B... but he wants someone to blame. Someone else to say 'it's time'. Someone to tell K - not him.
This person should not be Dorker. It can be himself - he's even said it - but he needs the case mgr or social worker to help him. It may be one of the hardest things he ever has to do.
Instead of thinking he will ruin K's life by not coming home, maybe he could start to think about getting K the care SHE needs, right now & also after he's gone.
Now that's a good legacy for him. That he leaves K adequately housed & cared for.
Worth planting that seed?
He always gives in to K, and wants to make you the scapegoat. I doubt case management is going to help much here. Once his rehab time is up, they will just want to get him out of there. And as long as he is of sound mind, he will make the decisions. Sounds like he's going home again. When K throws a fit, he will acquiesce, as he always does, because he's so weak and doesn't want to anger her even more. It will get to the point where there are no caregivers once again. And then another crisis and hospitalization once again.
Dorker, this is the way he wants it to go. If he really didn't, he would have done something about it. And he didn't.
Anything agreed upon by K and him, even if facilitated by you and stepsister, will end up falling apart, as usual.
Good that you suggested he talk to case management himself. He should be the one to tell them what it's like living with K. Keep saying no to him -- you are doing great!
Were this a scenario where there is a sweet timid wife . and readily admitting this is so out of her ball park to manage . and any/all help brought to bear, is accepted/welcomed .. that's a different matter . there are things that can be done to help . but she is combative/hostile . and wratchets up your anger in her incessant demand she can do it, . she can't . she has a broken brain . but refuses to address that issue . and acquiesce to the fact her capabilities aren't there, to help you . and it puts me in a role that I'm not willing to weather on your behalf or anyone else's .. I don't care to stand in that gap and fight with her, .. I simply will not do it".
I hope he heard me .. I will keep saying it in case, he didn't hear me.
I wish he was more afraid FOR his wife and her well-being. Dorker, does he see her as just annoying or does he realize that this is dementia?
I have no clue how these things work, even having walked the walk with a MIL who was recalcitrant in any managed care setting as an arrangement for her well being.
All I know is the experience there with MIL . and in that setting .. it was for a long long time . from the corner of those that are her next of kin (SIL and her son, my DH) .. fought . "she'll manage, .. she says she'll manage" and that as status quo ..
UNTIL .. SIL took her to IL to care for her, and just about keeled over doing it . brought her back here, .. the thinking still on SIL's part that she'd stay the course, manage her mom's care (but about to keel over in a heap doing it) . here locally and then they'd return back to IL . it would just be jockeying back and forth between IL and FL .. and her mom in her care ..
Wasn't until her mom stricken with a UTI that rendered her out of her mind . and her mom hospitalized . and subsequently sent to rehab post UTI stay . and there, broke her hip . in a fall in that setting ... that SIL threw in the towel .. and so the progress forward from there . began . from a behind the scenes .. placement . .. at first short term rehab . for the broken hip that then progressed to . LTC (to ostensibly continue rehab for hip) .. and . MIL thought . that meant she was to work on walking again . and that she'd go home . but that was being worked behind the scenes that no . she wouldn't be returning home, ever.
I don't know the path forward .. as to how does one impart to a person with a broken brain and have them retain that information . "No He will come to the home to reside, but there will be a c'giver on site, daily .. every day . and that will be portion of his setting . and that is doctor orders .. and there will be no negotiating that point going forward . it's doctor orders . absent that as any plan . then a different setting will be his residence" and how to make that happen.
I don't know. I don't have the road map for it all, but not only that, not real motivated to dive in and dig through it all ..
I'm no village idiot . I can and often do . dive into issues that matter in my world, and find the finer points and see it through to fruition .. so I can dog a point to it's conclusion without problem. But not real motivated to do so in this case.
You have a wife of his who is of broken brain . through and through .. and .. not really able to process and retain that which is told to her, by any dam body . doctors . or Jesus himself, for that matter . she knows best . just ask her, she can do this . she can care for him . and any offer of assistance that comes in that realm . is seen as intrusion . and no one, nobody . can make her see otherwise, and she refuses to be seen for eval as to her mental capacities . and no one has been able to push that to get it done . and I dam sure don't care to fight that war .. I just don't care that much . in the end, I just don't.
Also an awareness on my part, as has been told to me countless times through the years .. from every professional encountered, and even here on this site, in the end, the person gets to decide what they want . not their daughter, . not their spouse .. that person . if of sound mind . unless one wishes to go fight for guardianship (and not on no, h377 no) .. that person gets to decide their path forward . and that's my dad. If he wishes to return to his home setting . .. and thinks it viable that she can be made to buy in as to on site c'giver and stand firm with that .. there's not a dam thing I can do (or care to do) to redirect that, aware of that fact.
Obvious from his words, . that would be choice #1 in his view. And I can't change that.
Workable plan ..???.... highly doubtful.
But powerless to change it. Nor do I even care to stand in that gap and try to redirect it.
As I said to my dad and I hope he *heard* me . who knows: "Dad . were this a scenario where
you're more articulate at describing it all than I can be at this point . and so I'd like, if it's possible, to set up a conference call and have all of us on the line"
Me: "As to your returning home . to that environment .. I don't ascribe that to that dad . it's not suitable that you be in her care,... the only way I would find that agreeable, is if she is informed by healthcare professionals and heeds it as told, that you will have a c'giver on site . and that must remain a part of the setting . or you will be opting for a managed care setting as alternative.
I went on from there, to describe to him the many points, point for point, in what my observations are, as to the reason(s) she isn't able to adequately address his care, listing point for point. He agreeable to what it is that is my description.
Me: "So . I'm not opposed to your effort to return home to reside, .. if and only if .. there can be agreement . that a c'giver remains part of the picture daily .. and that is without exception in my view .. I don't know that anyone can bring her to that page though .. she is very territorial . and any assistance, is seen/perceived by her, as an intrusion . and so .. I'm not sure that's going to be doable in the end .. even with docs advising as part of any care plan going forward . not sure you'll get buy in from her . she doesn't retain that which is told to her .. and we all know that .. I would almost like it, if it's made part and parcel to your return there, that she be assessed as to her mental faculties and that issue get adequate attention . but I can't wage that war, won't wage that war, not my wagon to pull".
My dad then expressing some: "Well, . what I'd like to see ultimately is that there be some conversation . I don't know .. maybe you and myself and maybe even stepsister . that K get brought up to speed . as things stand right now, I'm not in contact with her, and that is the way I want it for right now . she has to be out of the loop . and that's why I've put myself in the status here that I'm in . she has to be out of the loop . for now . but ultimately I'd like there to be some conversation that includes . perhaps you, perhaps case management, perhaps stepsister . and myself .. with K . as to how this thing all looks and expectations going forward".
Me in response: And I'm not at all sure any of that is going to prove fruitful and I'm not a fan of wasting my time, or my resolve to maintain some peace and harmony in my life .. I'm not real motivated to get into any adversarial role with her, as to your position dad .. that's not up to me ..
Dad: "yes I understand I don't wish to put you in that role, that's why we need maybe some guidance from case management as to how to proceed going forward, some conversation . .. if this thing needs to go in the direction that she and I go our separate ways .. I need to have some knowledge of how that looks, how that progresses . and what that looks like".
He then goes into some dialogue having to do with his LTC policy and the wording and such of it . as to what/how it plays in it, .. in any managed care setting . and .. that he realizes there will be some front end cost . as to his care, . but that .. not a problem . assets .. somewhere in the range (so he says) upwards of a million dollars available . should that be necessary as front end cost .. and so . the cost is not a factor in the progress of all this ..
Me: "Ok, well let me run I've got some things I have to attend to here in my world this morning . I'll put in a call to case mgr and ask that they come talk to you, in the end, my words ring pretty hollow in all this . what is needed here is that you express to them what your expectations are going forward and ask where/how they can input with the whole thing . and I'll reach out on your behalf and ask they contact you/visit you there, and you do the same, you're there on site.
With that, we hung up.
That is a topic she had harped on .. and no amount of explanation was changing it. For all I know, our busy work, of printing out a manual that clearly explains that aspect of the home appliance .. still doesn't compute, even to this day. I really don't know.
My ultimate response to the whole thing in the end, "dad call out a repair man . yes it's gonna cost you .. but call out the repair person . have them show her, .. write the check to pay for it .. either that or have someone you know go to a junk shop somewhere and buy a "used" washer from days gone by . one that fills to her satisfaction .. that water conservation aspect, it clearly states it in the manual . is gonna be the case with any new washing machine you buy . .so she's gonna be on that topic stuck on stupid .. so either pay a repair person .. to tell her the same thing she's been told a hundred times, or find someone to buy a used washer from days gone by .. and I'm out of this".
The c'giver that was on site for months, .. the person who did laundry there . and so out of sight out of mind for K, . once c'giver dispensed with and sent packing . laundry now K's charge .. and that topic . harped at .. like a dog on a bone . incessantly.
Yes, stepsister was able to secret the LTC policies out of the house and into the hands of her husband who works in insurance . for him to decipher what the finer points are. To my knowledge, no one has POA to talk to any entity on their behalf about anything. Maybe I'm not in the know and POA exists out there somewhere, fine by me.
This morning's phone call from my dad. Him imparting he'd like me to reach out to case management . and the ground needs to be covered . that status quo cannot continue . as to his living arrangement .. that he wants it imparted to his wife . and me a part of that conversation . as well as any case management/social workers, . that deem it appropriate along the way in the progress of this .. that there will need to be some changes.
Me: "Ok, and what changes are you referring to?"
Dad through his feeble, marbles in his mouth, barely intelligible voice: I am willing to go back home and give it a try . but it's going to have to look different, . the days of old, will not be suitable, if that doesn't work, then going into a managed care setting .. and how to get things moving in that direction . some of that conversation needs to be had with case management here . and some direction forward".
Me: "ok, .. well dad .. .I can't direct any of that for you, you are thought to be of sound mind and as such ..it is you who gets to decide these things. I have already spoken with case management and expressed my concerns and given numerous examples of the ways in which she is not equipped to care for you .. that has already been shared with case management by me, .. in the end .. I have no legal standing in all this all I can do is express what I know to be the case, and I've done that, . and yes . they will need to talk to you . and you express to them . some of your concerns . and I will phone case management and let them know you'd like to speak to them, but you also can do the same, there on site, . let your nurse, care team there, let them know you'd like a visit with case management"
Dad: "what I'd like to do if it's possible is set up some kind of conference call, between myself, and you and the case mgr .. you are better to articulate some of what my concerns are, you have a pretty accurate depiction of how things look on the ground, in real time there on site . and expressing some of that, you're
It will be interesting to see what the rehab place says about your father after their Tuesday meeting.
Your father really does figure you will bail him out, becoming HCPOA, probably POA, paying his bills, getting his stuff, taking him home when the time comes, etc.
So many other issues to be concerned about. I can imagine the headaches regarding the bills. A call to the company that sold any LTC plan would be most important. If at all possible it could be helpful to speak to the insurance agent who sold the policy. It sounds like the perfect chore for K's husband. However once again there could be alot of spinning of wheels if no POA is in place.
But my sister's Doctor actually told me *do not help her*. I am to call that Doctor if she cannot cope : eg is sitting in the dark without power bills paid, no food or medicines, no money to buy them etc.
Different but same.
K actually does need saving from being home alone unable to cope - or will soon.
Yes it's more a social issue than a medical one?? But it would be true enough to state "she is distressed, confused & needs help" if you have to call EMS.
When being told I would need to pay some bills, arrange some money transfers & deal with emailed invoices for my sister - something went all tight inside me.
I now recognise that feeling as *my boundaries have been crossed*.
So I bought some thinking & research time. Two things became clear 1. I had not been given any POA or financial powers. 2. This was not actually MY problem.
If I started paying, I had no power to get reimbursed, would set up a dangerous pattern of dependance & would get into problems with the banks as they had no legal permission to deal to me.
So I bundled up the whole category called 'financial' & passed it back to owner. "This is yours". If you can't do it, get help. I don't have legal authority, so I can't do it.
The pressure continued in small ways for me. You could see how it would be easy to be roped in. A medical bill here, a another bill there. I said no. I am not a walking credit card.
Just a few months ago I was asked for my address for her bills to come to me if she had not paid. I asked why? Was told so I could pay them. I explained they would be sent back unopened as I had no authority to pay them.
Push this back under the column marked 'Dad'. He obviously cannot go find his own financial administrator company right now, but this also gets noted to his case manager. *Patient needs financial management asap*.
Do NOT start paying any bills unless you are happy to take on the financial POA role. Not sure he would be competent to sign one at present?
I wondered if Dad was wanting his brother to come to town, of course to caregive, but to maybe help him get his affairs in order, top secret, classified, Dorker would never know kinda deal. Why do they do this? Because they think with these papers we can throw them in a facility and go on about our business.
I didn’t mention it because I thought he was too ill to string the thoughts together but, he was able to string the thoughts together that no way in hell did he want K to be any part of this present crisis.
So, by asking about an attorney, I should have clarified, if he starts asking for one, his idea, would one even be permitted into the facility. Just weirdo me being curious.
A local case: elderly parents out of town, doing ok. Little bit of cancer (him) little bit of memory loss (her). He has a fall, goes to hospital, starts to decline. Adult kids go to stay. Whoa! *The Game Changer* had arrived. She goes nuts without him. Wanders at night halfdressed sort of nuts. Unable to function at all. They had been bluffing & covering up quite successfully for a long time.
He passes away. What to do with her? She won't eat or drink. Gets dehydrated or uti & brought into hospital for observation. Falls. Breaks hip. Strong pain pills. Found crawling, naked, down hospital hallways in night looking for him & home. Just heartbreaking. Couldn't get any cognition back to eat & she passed away as well.
So that's the game changer I have as a reference. My own father has zero papers in place, POA etc, ability for anyone to manage his affairs. Only (undx Vas dem) mother to sign.
I have warned & warned & warned.
That's why I have such empathy for Dorker's situation & greatly value the comments from others that have ridden the rails...
Either you’re pregnant or you’re not. No such thing as “a little bit”...
There are zillions of tiny flashing warning lights coming up needing attention but if the focus stays there, on each bill, if K's lights are on etc Dorker will be head down hard at work when the train crashes.
Decide now. On or off this train.
complained about the thing the entire year they've owned it . that it doesn't fill sufficiently . and so he wanted that printed out, so he could at least go to where . what to do . to make it fill more to suit her .. and .. have one of us work on it, to get it to that point. It was HER, that's the whole reason he was going to the trouble to print out the document.
Next problem . he needed tennis balls sliced and put onto the walker legs . and .. his neuropathy negates his ability to do so. Didn't say why it is that she can't do it, but that too . once I set out to do that, take care of it, . her at my elbow insisting she can do it, . now he shouldn't of bothered you guys with that .. I can do all this .. I don't know why he bothers you guys to come here to do these things . I can do this . I can do it.
Needed me to do an Amazon order, for another supply of tennis balls . to have on hand for that walker and it's legs. Did that . that too . her insisting she can do it . right at my elbow .. and this, the person who doesn't know where the power button is or that one exists.
I'm gonna take it several steps higher on the rung of what she sees as her .. "I can do this" as to bills? Nah .. not interested.
If you were to find a service to pay your Dad’s bills, you would need the bills. How to get your Dad’s bills without having to have anything to do with K? That’s what the whole conversation was about. What we resorted to to get our parents bills. Not that you should go over there and tangle with K over the bills.
No Way!
Do I feel motivated to try to wrangle some way around all that, to get an atty in there . to get some matters front and center. Not a prayer . no. Especially .. considering I'm really pretty pizzed my dad pulled this crap. I didn't ask for any of this.
No, there's been no further fallout today in it all . in fact, I haven't heard from anyone on that front . and that is fine with me, of course, . nor have I reached out to speak to any of them. I've enjoyed a peaceful day.
Yes, as to the bills, that's what SIL did to get MIL's bills forwarded, . she simply filled out a change of address, . they are forwarded here. Had she told her . .not a doubt in my mind, MIL would've balked, and a "oh now make sure I see those bills" or something similar. Nope, didn't ask her, just did it.
Do I feel inclined to do so .. as to my dad. Not a chance in h377.
I have no clue what goes on in their world. My knowledge is this. They each have separate bank accts, and each are responsible for their own bills. What are those bills that each pays out of their respective accts? I don't have any idea, no one has ever approached to make me aware of same.
I can imagine perhaps things might be a mess already as to his bills.
But ya know, .. I'm sorry . I know that being angry serves no one . but I am .. I bridged all this last year . and the time that he could've/should've stepped up to the plate to right the course of some unfinished biz . has come and long since gone. And he didn't do it.
Is stepmom over there in danger of suddenly having no lights . .because he's the one that pays the light bill and didn't do it. Might be, .. I wouldn't know.
I don't know who pays what in their world .. and I can only imagine the nightmare of trying to sit down and have any kind of sensible setting where that kind of information is imparted in any kind of practical way . and her running interference, as that's "her territory" and "she will do it for him" . and "you don't have to do that Dorker, I'll take care of that" and "B why are you having her do all that, I can do that" . .and him getting wratched up in anger and frustration with each word uttered from her lips ..
Folks, really .. ??.... I wanna be a part of all that why?
Let me repaint the pic that went on weeks ago . him in need of me to come and take a look at some computer issues. I'm no guru at techie stuff . so I enlisted DD to go with me, . .she's no guru either, but she's far more knowledgeable than I am.
Of course, we get there, . pull out the laptop try to begin .. assessing what the problem is . and the whole time . "now you guys don't need to do that, I'll get that figured out, he doesn't even use it anymore, I don't know why he even bothered you guys with it" .. all the while, this is a person who doesn't even know what a power button is on a CPU or otherwise. Yea, and she's gonna fix it. Okay.
Next problem he wanted assistance with .. print out the PDF instruction manual for the washing machine purchased about a year ago at their HH. Well, .. hit print on the document and the printer . well wouldn't ya know, out of paper, out of ink.
DD set out to work on that, remedy the paper and ink situation . and at least with that stepmom did know where to locate more paper and more ink . so that was helpful . at least. But the WHOLE time . she was at DD's elbow . . "now I'll do this . you don't need to worry with this .. I don't know why he wants that instruction manual .. we don't need it .. he's got some bee in his bonnet he wants that instruction manual .. driving you guys crazy w/it all".
It was HER as the reason he wanted that instruction manual printed out . she is the one that uses the washer .. he wouldn't know which end of the washing machine is used. But it's a newer washing machine and she has bi&ched and
No Regrets
ob·fus·ca·tion
/ˌäbfəˈskāSH(ə)n/
noun
the action of making something obscure, unclear, or unintelligible.
Yep. Obfuscation. Guilty
Postal fraud? Yep. Guilty as well.
Both without regret.
We do what we have to do.
If my mother knew that she was paying 5-6K per month in rent for her modest IL apartment....Dad's dying instructions to mom were "don't EVER sell the house. Don't pay HIGH RENT". (The amount of hazmat stuff that had to be remediated in the house....I understand why he said that. Also all the unlicensed plumbing fixes....)
My dad was a smart man, but couldn't have seen what was down the road. Fortunately, my brothers and I all decided that obfuscation was the very best policy.
I don’t think the post office forwarded obvious junk mail. K might not notice.